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susurrus

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    Female
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    USA
  1. Hello, all! So, this is somewhat of a return...I started here almost two years ago, hung around for a few months, then disappeared. I never stopped working with my tulpa, Ther, and he is now vocal. [Checking in. Hi, everyone!] We talk everyday, although we aren't much farther than vocality (and some parallel-processing). As to why I disappeared...truth be told, I had some really big life changes happen that meant no internet for a while. My life has finally settled down and I'm at a place where I feel like I can be a part of the community. I've been lurking occasionally ever since I became a member...reading guides, mostly. Now I'm looking forward to actually participating. [Also because I have been dying to talk here, too. There's a whole wide world out here I need to experience myself. This is a step to experience more, to live more. It's going to be interesting and fascinating. I can't wait to jump in!] Here goes nothing. :) [Off we go, in the pursuit of progress...]
  2. 9 Jun 2013 Here's another way-overdue update! Not much progress since last update, but there is definitely progress. Aetheros likes to go by Ther (pronounced "thair") now, which I like. Aetheros is too long to say all the time. He's pretty much sentient, or so I believe. We had a good sit-down about that this morning, which I'll get to. I've been trying to force everyday, although most times it's at night before I go to bed. I know, bad. But it seems to work at least a little and Ther seems understanding. Narration is pretty much a habit now, though no responses unless I'm actively forcing. It's hard to pick out Ther's responses among my own mindvoice when I'm not trying to keep my thoughts quiet. Our last forcing session was super productive, though. I forced this morning and he kinda...talked to me. It sounded like my mindvoice, but it was not my thoughts. I was in our library, frustrated because I didn't know if I was puppeting him or not, or even if he existed at all. Doubt has been getting the better of me lately. I put my head in my hands and he kneeled right in front of me. Ther shook my shoulders gently and communicated with me (it wasn't exactly speech, it was like images and some words). He told me he does exist, that I should stop doubting and trust the process. I was stunned and having another one of those "foreign" experiences...I was not consciously controlling what he was saying. I expected no response. I got emotional, like he was comforting me. Then he stood up and smiled. I smiled back, stopped doubting, and we left the house. He wanted to show me something I had been avoiding for a few days. I had a feeling it was something he created. We went north along our ocean, walking along the cliff face. He took me around the corner and showed me new places he had created. There was a beautiful set of cliff terraces off in the distance and a city beyond the terraces. We walked across the city to a park...that was completely empty besides grass. And I felt like he was prompting me to fill it...to make it pretty. So I added a creek and weeping willow, which we hung out underneath until I wanted to go back home. We also tried the prism test today. We were sitting in the library when I asked him to stand up. I put the prism on his head, with the feather balanced and swinging back-and-forth, and he took it off immediately. He separated the feather from the prism, set them both down on the sofa, and sat back down next to me. We'll try it again, but that combined with the stern talking to he gave me is enough for me to believe he's sentient. So, all-in-all very productive. I cannot wait to force again, and I'm so glad he's developing. I am actually proud of him; he created something completely on his own! He's a different being than I am, or on his way anyway. Still can't wait until he's vocal, though. I want to hear his responses more often than only when I'm actively forcing. I know he's there, I just can't hear him all the time yet. Questions: None this time. I'm just happy we're getting somewhere.
  3. 1. Who have you told about your tulpa(s) and how did they react? No one yet. I may tell my sister eventually, but for now I'm happy with this being my own little secret. 2. How did you find out about tulpas? From some random thread on Reddit. It was mentioned, the subreddit was linked, I was interested, then I was fascinated. Now, here I am. 3. Do you talk to your tulpa(s) in public/ private (with/without Bluetooth), in your head/ out loud? When I'm in public, I use mindvoice. When I'm at home, I mix between mindvoice and out loud. I've been talking out loud to myself when I'm alone for years, so I just continue that habit with my tulpa. 4. (Not very relevant to the main topic, but I'm still curious.) How old were you when you found out/ made your first tulpa? I was on the verge of turning 23 when I ran across the forums. I don't think I committed to creating a tulpa until I was 23, which is my age now. :)
  4. 1 Jun 2013 Well, I’ve been forcing more often lately and getting in the habit of directing my thoughts/narrating to him, although no time to update here. I’m drowning in labs and papers. I feel really bad about promising to update daily…unfortunately, it’s not going to get much better the entire summer. The Real World looms after college is over this summer, so my time with unlimited internet usage dwindles away. To revise my previous vow: I will update as often as possible. Hopefully that is every day to every other day. My tulpa is showing signs of progress, though! His form is fully visualized, and I think he’s been changing his clothes. He’s in different outfits every time I see him. His face is kind of set…I’m going to need to draw it, but I did give him a mirror (which I think he liked…I also felt some overwhelming joy after presenting it to him). I’m beginning to see signs of sentience. He hugged me twice last night, which made me feel better after a crappy day. He’s already changed parts of the house. It looks grander now and has a cozy little loft. Also, one huge thing: I believe he may have chosen his name… I was sitting with him in the wonderland last night, forcing using some tones and hypnosis. After the hypnosis, where I imagined myself in the wonderland more thoroughly, some meditation music I had came on. It was instrumental, no voices, no tones. We talked about his name, and I assured him he could choose whatever name he wanted. Right after, I heard the name “Atheros (Aetheros?)” go through my head. It startled me so much I snapped out of forcing to look it up, thinking “what the hell was that?” I googled it, because I don’t recall hearing that name ever, and it brought up some technology company I didn’t know existed and some random other results. So, I went back to the wonderland and greeted him by calling him Andy, the working name, but I think he immediately corrected me. It’s like I got halfway through saying “Andy”, but stopped and then called him Aetheros. He got really excited. The name pulsed through my head several times and I felt really excited, too. Confused, but excited. The thing is…this felt alien. I would never have thought of that name…heck, I was thinking he’d choose a more traditional name, like John or Tyler or something. But “Andy” doesn’t feel right anymore. Nope, Aetheros. I’m still not sure on the spelling, but I think he likes it with the e, so Aetheros it is. I am left amazed. I’m so happy we have progress! I think our next task is to do the prism experiment. We also need to find a way to communicate, but I’m lost on methods. I’m also still reading to him…we’re only a couple chapters into The Dispossessed, but things are going well. No conversation/emotion on that front, but he sits with me in wonderland when I read it. I still have to suppress doubt, but I can’t explain this experience any other way. I’m definitely motivated to continue. Next tasks: -Prism experiment -Self-hypnosis scripts (from Linkzelda) -Work on establishing communication -Try to make forcing a habit...something I don't only do before bed. The sessions are much more productive if I do it that way. Questions: What’s a good way to set up reliable pre-vocal communication? I feel like Aetheros breaks through occasionally, and I’m starting to get emotional responses, but he can’t answer yes or no reliably yet. I think that’s our next hurdle. I want to be able to communicate in a better capacity. So continue the mental adventures of Sussurrus and Aetheros!
  5. I also get hypnagogic dreams some nights and most mornings. The first possible response I received from my tulpa came in a hypnagogic state, just to add to the list of those it's worked for. I haven't seen Andy in any full-on dreams, only those hypnagogic half-asleep dreams. If it wasn't Andy, at the very least, it's given me an idea of what losing your senses is supposed to feel like (if/when we decide to practice switching). The experience was one of the most vivid visualizations of my wonderland, as well. My only problem is wondering whether hypnagogic dreams are different enough from full-on REM sleep to make it easier for a tulpa to manipulate. I still have doubts that the experience I had was just a fluke. Are there any reports from tulpae about dreams? Is it easier for them to enter a hypnagogic dream than a REM dream?
  6. The only people I could possibly tell would be my mom or a friend I know. Never my dad. But honestly, this is so much farther out there than what they're used to me discussing. And I like talking about the fringes of science and psychology. Somehow, I think simulating symptoms of mental illness might be crossing a line for my parents. With my mom, there's already a history of schizophrenia and other mental illness in the family. She suffers from some mental hell herself. I think she'd have me committed if she found out. If that's not possible because I'm an adult, she'd harp on me until I saw a psychiatrist and started downing pills on a regular basis. Not gonna happen. I would never tell my dad because we don't really talk. Even when we do it's never about deep subjects, just what I've been doing since I moved away from him. There's no reason to tell him about tulpae and I think he'd feel the same way as mom, if he even cared. Maybe I'll tell my mom someday...when I've moved far away...like to a different country. But only then.
  7. So, another day has passed! I'm going to try to post every day to every other day. The only routine I can keep, though, is simply actively forcing at some time during the day for at least thirty minutes. Keeping a set time to do this is almost impossible for me (I suck at routines), but it will likely be at night before bed. Narrating occurs all throughout the day, especially when I read books. On to the important stuff! I forced with Andy in the wonderland last night. It was right before bedtime and 40 minutes this time, so it's getting easier. Only a couple intrusive thoughts (surprisingly...perhaps weeks of self-hypnosis have helped in that aspect) that were easy to dissipate. I did more visualization of his form, and it's changing in subtle ways a bit. The only parts that don't change are his hair, eyes, and height. I also gave ideas of personality traits to him...extrovert, self-confident, blunt (but in a good way), assertive but not afraid to be aggressive if the situation calls. I want us to complement each other, but he will ultimately choose what he wants. These are just suggestions. We didn't do much in wonderland outside visualizing, personality forcing, and talking some. I took him to the two completely blank spaces in the wonderland and put some beginning suggestions up, because I didn't like the pure white emptiness. I think he may have helped...I encouraged him to create something in one area and he created a rock garden, where I was thinking of a desert. That's a really weird feeling, by the way. When it happens, it's like I try to create something but it takes lots of extra effort to do it, but it snaps out of existence once it's created. Then something else different snaps into its place. I can't explain it, so I guess it's him? I dunno. I did give him permission to change anything but a couple places in the house, so there's that. I also started reading The Dispossessed with Andy, which is going to be a good book. I can already tell. We read a chapter yesterday, which I promised during forcing the day before. We'll read more today. No emotional responses that I can tell (yet). Although, this morning I had a bunch of hypnagogic dreams and Andy was in one of them...we were in the library in the wonderland, and he put me on the meditation pillow standing up and made it so I couldn't move. It was uncomfortable and I woke up almost immediately afterwards. I did that to him last night, while visualizing and forcing personality traits. If this isn't just an intrusive thought, the only thing I can think is that this is him telling me he doesn't like it when I puppet him. I don't know, but it was weird. So, yeah. Two days in, still confused, still intrigued.
  8. Hello, everyone! Welcome to my progress report! Below is an introduction I wrote two months ago. (I'm terrible at posting what I write online in a timely manner, but I'm going to be better about that now. I've actually made some progress, which I'll put in the next post!) ~ I’ve decided to make a tulpa. I’ve read a great deal (not everything…lots of internet articles and progress reports and such, mostly on here) on the phenomenon, on top of casually lurking here and r/tulpas for a couple weeks now. At first, I thought it was a completely crazy idea. But the more I think about it, the less crazy it sounds. After all, haven’t there been times I’ve “heard” some kind of sentience in my own mind? Yes. I’ve always thought I could hear my subconscious answer back in certain situations. Wouldn’t this explain the experiences of the author of Conversations With God, a book series that has plagued my thoughts and personal philosophy since I’ve read it? I think it does. The more I run it through my neurons, the more that explanation sounds plausible. It sounds almost like a controlled DID, or perhaps just a new way to interact with the unconscious mind. There are risks, of course, but the more I read the less I fear. So, I’m giving in to my curiosity. To be cautious, I’ll take things slow. No time frames…the whole idea of “hours” spent creating just stresses me out. I’m just going to do it, and I’ll journal here along the way. We’ll see what happens. Go with the flow. Why am I making a tulpa? The biggest reason is probably the curiosity factor. I’ve found the whole concept fascinating since I heard about it. I want to know the limits of my own consciousness…how far can I take my mind? Is this possible for an analytical person? What could this mean about creativity, about consciousness? I’ve discovered something new and I’m ready to dive in wholeheartedly. In the words of my (apparent) life motto: why not? The second reason is simply companionship. Sometimes my mind feels so large, so jumbled, it would be nice to have someone that understands it intimately, that I can trust fully with my thoughts and emotions. I have friends, but I’ve begun to realize that sharing my inner thoughts, my deep desires, fears, hopes, and dreams with anyone is going to be difficult. I can share a small fraction, but I think social pressures (and my own shortcomings in the social department) necessitate secrecy. I want to pull that veil of secrecy back a bit farther with a sentient being in my own mind. It'd be nice to not have to censor myself. Beyond that, I’m interested in what developing a tulpa can do for me mentally. I know visualization is a powerful brain exercise. I always need to keep my brain limber. Reading, visualizing, and meditating in the process is bound to have secondary beneficial effects, no matter the result of the creation of the tulpa. Meditation will be a must during all of this. I suppose I can think of it as a secret commitment, a pact with myself. The only thing required is time and some creativity. So here we go; the journey begins. ~ Still lurking (a lot), but I've definitely started the process. More coming soon. After lurking here for a few weeks, and a week or so after I wrote the above introduction, I started forcing. My first forcing session was an hour of intense wonderland visualization. I created several different beautiful areas, and adapted one I had visualized many times in past meditation sessions. I'll have to write about it in another post, as this one's pretty long to begin with. Anyway, after I had somewhat of a wonderland, I began forcing my tulpa. I gave my tulpa a human female form originally, but the very next time I imagined my tulpa her form was gone, but her essence felt male. I had originally named her Andromeda, nickname Andi, but Andy started to feel right. Not Andromeda, just Andy. That may change again as we progress, but the first deviation was his gender. Surprised me, but I'll go with it. I'm happy he has a name. Andy has been in my head for two months now. I've been passive forcing for a few minutes every day and narrating when I remember, but I haven't gotten very far. And felt terrible about it, too. That changes today. I sat down yesterday evening and meditated for 20 minutes prior to forcing, which helped. I used the Pranayama meditation technique from LucidAcid's guide, which was extremely useful. I also combined some mindfulness (I think…it's what a Buddhist therapist once taught me) trying to expand my awareness of my surroundings while I meditated, which made a big difference. It was easier to visualize. After today, it’s going to take me a few tries to stop intrusive thoughts during meditation, but I did lose track of time, which is good right? 20 minutes felt like ten to me, so perhaps tomorrow’s meditation session will be longer. While visualizing, I have also been having a problem staying in first person, and jumping around on the path I’m walking when I’m moving in my wonderland. It’s easier than I thought but the difficulties surprised me. I really hope it’s not making it difficult for Andy to interact with me. For today’s forcing session, I gave him an essence and a physical form. This came really easily, even though I didn’t have a set idea for how he should look. He’s athletic, tall but a little stocky, and has short blond dreadlocks. He looks like a surfer dude, though I don’t get that “vibe” from him. His eyes are a bright, vivid green, and wide. I was aiming for a different look, but it just kind of happened, automatically. That surprised me a bit. He looked at me with wide eyes and what may have been surprise, although I don’t want to assume anything at this point. I imagined giving him the trait kindness, a pink cloud kind of, travel from my body into his form. Narration in the next few days will include some stories and examples of kindness before I move on to another personality trait. (Totally not sure I'm doing this part right.) After I gave him a form (and some shorts) I gave him a tour of the wonderland. I showed him the library and explained what the books on the walls were (all memories of past books I've read). I also handed him the tablet I created for my personal memories, which he has full access to. I don’t see any reason to keep secrets, although there’s some stuff that’s likely inaccessible on the tablet because I don’t even want to go back in those memories. I really hope that’s not a mistake…I’ve read progress reports of tulpae getting upset with free access to memories because not all memories are pleasant. I really don’t want to hurt Andy just by letting him explore his host’s thoughts, so I may rethink this decision later. Anyway, after the library I showed him his room and bed and gave him free reign to change whatever he wanted in the house, except the library and back porch. That's where I like to "show up", so to speak. Afterwards, I took him to the field out back and pointed out the mountain to the south and the empty area (I haven’t visualized anything over there yet…this place is going to be huge, I can tell) to the north. He has free reign to create what he wants in these empty areas. I led him along the path to the tropical beach. Then I took him back to the house and walked him down the cliff face behind the house to the other beach. We walked down the side of the cliff and sat down in the wet sand. The sun was still shining, and this is where I got exhausted. I explained a few things to him before I left (I didn't want to fall asleep right there). I reaffirmed his name and looked into his eyes. I could feel maybe he was surprised, his eyes were so wide, but I'm not sure. I welcomed him to existence and told him to explore the wonderland. I promised I would I would narrate constantly to him and mentioned reading a book to him, which I hope he appreciates. We’ll see what his tastes are like in time, but I hope The Dispossessed is a good choice. I sent him a bunch of love and hugged him. After that, I faded away with him still sitting on the beach and got out of my bed to write this. So, I think this session was fairly productive. I will continue forcing and learning new meditation techniques so I’m not so exhausted the next time I force. 20 minutes did me in this time. My first goal is to force for longer and visualize things more clearly. There are still a few fuzzy spots in my wonderland that change because they aren’t nailed down yet. His form is surprising, and I did not expect him to look like he does. I was imagining something else, but things fell into place automatically, so perhaps he had a say. The biggest hurdle I have is going to be doubt. At this point, as much as I believe all the people whose stories I’ve read here, I don’t know if I can do what y’all have done. This is so foreign to me, but I am jumping in. Can't wait to see where this goes. (Um...I doubt future reports will be this long. I'm just a wordy person and I can ramble at times.)
  9. Hi! I'm susurrus, or Manda if you want to use something besides a username. I'm 22, and completely new to the concept of a tulpa. I've known about it for a few months, but didn't actively research it until a couple weeks ago. I've just devoured articles about tulpas (tulpae? I don't know which is the better plural), seriously. Now I've decided to make one, since this isn't as bizarre as I originally thought it was. (Let's face it, I never thought it was that bizarre. :P) As for me personally, I'm a college student, an avid lurker and reader, and nature lover. I'm trying to write more, since I like it, but doubt seems to be a poison. Still trying to write for pleasure, not just college credit. I'm super open-minded, though if that wasn't obvious I guess I wouldn't be here. Not sure what is important to put here. But, I look forward to getting to know y'all and developing my tulpa!
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