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Foster

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  • Gender
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  • Location
    Ohio
  • Bio
    I'm Foster, 18, genderfluid. I'm currently working with my tulpa Mos and would appreciate any friends or additional input throughout this journey.
  1. Thanks for the input Shui, and RG. 10/2/2013 - I narrate to Mozai (moh-zay) every day, and have occasionally passive-forced. I had a horrible headache for about two days straight, so there has been little activity. I need to meditate. I listened to some binaural beats the other day, possibly started meditating? I don't remember anything, but I thought I was conscious of my surroundings. However, my dog stepped on my leg and my limbs flailed upwards in one spastic motion and I had no idea what was going on. After removing the headphones, sound was distorted in my ears for about five minutes. I felt very lightheaded. Still getting head pressure. When I talk directly to Mozai, I certainly feel... less alone. I feel like I've really been slacking. I knew this would happen - just have to pick up the pace again, I suppose.
  2. Hey, everybody. I have been too lazy to update, whoops. Better stop procrastinating. 9/28/2013 - The last few days have been, to sum them up fairly quickly, a roller coaster. A few days ago, my tulpa really worried me - he was jerky in movement, sulking, and apathetic. Yesterday, he was... better. Fairly quiet, but seemed to enjoy himself. We played about in a meadow, ended up riding bikes and cloud gazing. I pet his head and touch his hands a lot. His communication is often a bit jumbled - instead of straight up nodding or shaking his head, it translates into a quirky head roll, and perhaps a shrug. My thoughts often race, though, and I have to work extremely hard at slowing them down, or else my experience in wonderland starts off in hyper drive like a video tape stuck in fast forward. The images move faster than I can follow, and erratic occurrences begin that I try immediately to reign in and... rewind, if you will. I've been working on imposition and am getting very good at forcing with my eyes open. Classical music really helps me focus and tune out what's right in front of my vision. Also, I suppose it would beneficial to note that I have once again started speaking to my daemon, Leir, who has helped me read into my tulpa a tad better. Plus, I believe working on the sound of his head-voice will help me to differentiate my own from my tulpa's in the future. They have interacted, and Moze (this spelling felt more proper) seems to very much enjoy him. Leir is a bit more guarded and irked by him. I think Moze has an affinity towards animals. I'm not going to go into to much detail about discussing my daemon, as this is Tulpa.info, not The Daemon Forum. In other news, I conjured up a ball in my mind the other day. Felt the smooth, squeaky texture. It was red. I turned it over in my mind, saw the circular clear plug, and was even able to create a barcode, and recite the numbers back as I had put them there. I've tried to put time aside to try listening to some binaural beats and attempt active forcing, but I am a terrible procrastinator. I've spent a lot of time reading into mental stimulation, disorders, and etc as of recent. I also retyped my personality as INTP using the MBTI (probably irrelevant information, however, this is as close I will ever get to keeping any sort of consistent journal). Still not much progress in terms of blocking out the erratic thoughts that lead my mind astray. I cannot seem to shake the future narration, either. I will begin speaking to my tulpa, or to my daemon, and I will find myself visualizing this forum, and narrating what I am going to type out here. I looked into this and found it is quite common, but it is becoming a nuisance. My thoughts have been patchy and irrelevantly connected. As an example, the other day I suddenly visualized banana bread. I was taken aback by the image, asked myself 'why', and promptly my brain responded: 'bunnies, of course'. And I agreed at first, only after the fact did I stop to think that it was nonsense. My brain tends to ramble; I am not sure if it a lack of mental stimulation (which I would really not understand), but it tends to go on tangents such as the following: 'In accordance to the law we subsequently implement the additional transport of a designated televised broadcast for the sublime feature of infomercials'. Random example right there, but really, how do those make any sense? Another note on this, is it normal to feel as though there are 'layers' of thoughts intruding upon your focus? When I narrate, I can feel a part of my brain starting to focus on something completely different, such as imagining the fridge at home, and then what we are going to eat. On top of that, I am realizing this switch in the train of thoughts. I don't quite understand parallel processing yet, but is this incident a part of it? I tried to test the 'layer' theory. I played a song in my head, and tried to talk over it. I realized that I was talking in the 'breaks' of lyrics, and was going to completely discard that method, then was caught off-guard, as this awareness of the inconsistency happened as the song was still playing in the background. I also found that when I speak, there are the following problems: dozens of pauses as I search for an absolutely specific word, a sudden loss of the train of thought, numerous speech errors (combining multiple words, mixing up letters, etc) stuttering, inability to keep a level tone. It runs a little deeper than my anxiety, maybe I should work on articulation. As for anxiety and depression, it's been zero to nil. I recognize when I start getting anxious and can 'push it off to the side', so to speak. I realize how much I live in the future through my head; I can at least stop the unhelpful behaviour of reacting so negatively to possible scenarios to do with money, life paths, etc. I'm getting a better handle on my temper, and I can easily acknowledge my lower moods, which allows me to recover much more quickly, to reassure myself: 'This is not me. I can overcome this. I am not defined by my depression.' As a result, my self-esteem has shot up from immense self-loathing to fairly normal. I am far more interested in things and carrying (small) goals out. My self-pity has cleared up, and I feel a lot more confident in myself. Getting back to my tulpa, I greet Moze every morning and try to talk to him as much as I can muster. He's changed in appearance, and now has small deer horns. His eyes are hazel (on the green-yellow side), and eyelashes are split black to white. He still is not very fond of clothing, but often wears a long shirt and at times a beanie. Definitely not one for shoes. I was at the dentist the other day, and in the waiting room I could feel the sensation of him rubbing his feet against the carpet. Of course, that's psychosomatic and I believe an empathy reaction, but nonetheless it is exciting. As for emotions, I've felt some fear from him, and at times happiness. Mostly he is quiet. He is becoming more reflective; sometimes I feel he does not wish to interact. I pointed out the moon the other day, how it was out during daylight and was thinking how I associated him with triangles. He held out his wrist and showed me a tattoo: a crescent moon with a small triangle centered next to it. His development is a lot of fun and surprising at times. I am still getting headaches and terrible nausea whenever passively forcing, and especially while imposing. The other day we actually went to his room in wonderland, and played with marbles. Moze loved it. His favourite was the yellow one, and I 'gave' him some at the dentist to hold. They ended up being the three primary colours, which startled me for reasons unknown. I believe that's the extent of it all. I know this is long, but if anyone can offer some input on my disorganized thinking, I would greatly appreciate it. EDIT: Bolded for emphasis on places I would appreciate guidance.
  3. 9/24/2013 - Today was as incredible as yesterday. Just as tiring, too. I woke up this morning later than I wanted to. My head was all over the place and I actually didn't expect to be able to focus on Mos. However, on the way to work I decided to do some more visualization. After about six or seven different tries, I finally zoned in on that tree. Mos was there, grinning at me. And surprisingly, no longer blue! He was taller as well, and very lanky. Besides inky splotched hands and black eyes (including the scleras), he had taken on the appearance of an albino boy. I asked him about his form and he shook his head about it being permanent. His appearance temporarily flashed all black. I let go of my fear of puppeting. And boy, did that help. Out of sheer curiosity, I tried the 'surprise me'. At first he just sort of stared, and then changed his clothing to a navy blue cloak. He proceeded to sit under the tree and began digging in the dirt. We began taking a walk in wonderland, but I was very distracted, and told him so. I felt incredibly bad, like I had not been spending nearly enough time with him. I immediately remembered imposing, and decided to feel and see him behind me. I was always more interested in having a place to 'retreat' to, away from the difficulties of reality, not wholly interested in impositiob, but for some reason the prospect of having Mos close in this physical, familiar realm was now fantastically exciting. Boy, was he hyper. It was almost like a completely different tulpa from yesterday - he really seemed to enjoy my girlfriend and I's puppy, and kept bouncing around the back seat, smiling. He really, really enjoys music. He only seemed to sit still when I would try and focus on close-in details, the easiest thing for me to focus on was his knees, strangely, and then right back to acting silly. He actually made me laugh out loud. He kept shifting off all his clothing, much to my annoyance, and at one point was temporarily wearing a black t-shirt and hat. The variations are all very interesting. I believe I got another communication response today - I felt a thought that may translate to something along the lines of 'Fzlafkslsjdkkad' which was seen as a picture of erratic scribbles. In his room in our wonderland, earlier, I had given him a painting palette. I asked him there if he had told me something in my head, and if so, to write it on the board. I asked twice, and he scribbled random nonsense on the page each time. He's right handed. As for physical symptoms, I got a terrible frontward headache and nausea while trying to impose. I'm still getting head pressure, but he doesn't grasp the left/right to no/yes concept. It's okay, he's trying, and that makes me happy. I got after him today, though, as he was mimicking our puppy in his walking. I explained he should walk on two legs. He's got a jerking, bouncy gait and is very curious about everything. Whenever I get near people while imposing, he hangs back and finds interest in something else. I took him on my route and just talked to him. About emotions, how he can be whoever he wants to be, and that he can look however he truly feels comfortable. We talked a lot about appearance. (I actually think I annoyed him, being too specific in asking 'Is this what you want to keep?' 'Is this how you'll stay with so and so trait?' I need to just go with the flow.) I spent a long while visualizing his ears. I touched them in my mind. Imagine a heated, microfleece blanket embedded with duck-feathers. Dun on the top and a soft, warm pink on the bottom. They actually drooped a bit today when he was sad over my inattention. I described the wind, the weather, etc. Anything I could think of. Words. Phrases. I told him how good a friend he is, how quick of a learner, and that he can take his time in whatever he needs to. He is a very good listener, but impatient with my bad attention span. I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner with us tonight, he shook his head no. I noticed that I kept drifting from passive forcing to imagining myself typing out this very post. I would apologize and focus again, but it would only get worse. Mos is making me realize how cluttered and jumbled up my head really is, how much I focus on the future and not what's right in front of me. Not to mention, how visual of a person I am, and how much time I have always spent in my head. I constantly conjure up images of price tags, numbers, signs I read weeks ago. I was never aware. I even associate sounds immediately with pictures in my head. Self-revelation! Back to the not-so-great side: I was concerned, as when I later attempted imposition, my head would jump erratically into wonderland, to a black space, back to imposition, and then simply what I do to keep Mos closer: shift him to the front of my head. This, for me, means turning my mind's eye like a turntable towards the front, and then visualizing Mos crawling close and residing there. Passing thoughts were really screwing up my mental state and interaction with him. I even thought him to be attempting speech a few times, static-filled hums and hisses of an open mouth, but he confirmed that this was not, in fact, him. I really need to do some mind clearing and meditation. I want to try self-hypnosis and lucid dreaming but even meditation has proved ridiculously difficult in the past. I also gave Mos an amber coloured, capped bauble of my thoughts and explained that some of my thoughts are not correct and very scattered. I told him that while he has access to everything, and that we are in this together, I needed to do some cleaning of my head. During this discussion he uncapped it before quickly shutting it. A stream of words had immediately poured out in an erratic circle. I told him to try and ignore anything that seemed very strange or hurtful, because sometimes I can't control the strange streams of ideas or sensations. I think he felt a little better after this. I am bad with visualizing smells, but that bottle was some awful concoction between cheap cologne and ashes. Not very pleasant. This was a really long update. I'm so sleepy, suppose I won't be trying meditation tonight. Apologies for any glaring grammar issues or unclear sentences, I am really feeling out of it. Might edit here and there with some things I may have left unspoken.
  4. Thank you very much, Ashmo. I read through your and Bud's PR and I would just like to say that your relationship between you, Bud, and your girlfriend is so incredibly lovely.
  5. Thanks for the advice, Shui. We actually made a huge leap of progress today, especially, I believe, allowing myself not to be afraid I was puppeting Mos. I read a lot yesterday about how fearing the puppeting was more harmful than puppeting itself. I'll put up the progress later, but I feel a lot better. I was born, raised, and currently live in Ohio. I however have always loved many aspects of the English, including a lot of their alternate spellings, so I picked that up a long while back. Foster is just a name I felt fit me better than my own and previous nicknames.
  6. My name is Foster or Foss, whatever you would prefer. I'm 18, introverted, and suffer from severe anxiety and depression. This is my first tulpa, and I only learned about them a few days ago. I hope to have a wonderful companion, as well as a guide and confidant in absolutely every aspect of life, especially concerning people, art, and existence in general. Here is where I will be posting my progress for anyone interested, as well as to keep myself on track (I am terrible with sticking to anything). So far open-eyed visualization is the easiest and most effect method for me. 9/21/2013 - Discovered tulpas. Read through the guides and decided after some debating that I definitely wanted to create one. I had hardly any idea what it would be like, though. I greeted my tulpa in my head, a lot of on and off passive forcing. I talked mostly about what I was doing, and why, and that I looked forward to communication and spending time together. 9/22/2013 - I began creating my wonderland and working on visualization. Open-eyed seemed to work best, and I did more passive forcing throughout my day. I described what I was putting in the wonderland. There was still no clear idea of a form in my mind (though a loose one developed), and only scattered, loose bits of personality. I had trouble keeping my head from turning the visualization from turning my tulpa into a puppet'd character. Nothing much to report. 9/23/2013 - Today was a very exhausting and rewarding day. I worked hours on planning out my tulpa's personality, form, and name. I found three names that really caught my attention: Crow, Dove, Lark. Birds. Out of the hundreds of names I looked through. Since the form was so shaky, I envisioned my tulpa as a glowing blue silhouette during my first active forcing. He always appears under a huge tree that I assume to be part of my wonderland. I wrote a letter of all his traits, how they interacted, how his presence will feel, and read this to my tulpa, slowly and deliberately, about four times, addressing him as 'Dove'. In short, he is meant to be an intelligent, confident, and broadminded painter who is more on the introverted side. No response. I played classical music to keep attention, and closed my eyes and let myself drift. A very foggy version of him and I briefly danced in the woods. He smiled. I was concerned this was me puppeting. My job is delivering papers, which allows me plenty of time to 'daydream' and visualize, so of course I decided to work on his personality, appearance, and communication. We have not explored any part of the wonderland besides under the tree, and he was just sitting there, not really moving. I asked: 'Can you hear me, Dove?' No response. I was a bit concerned that he had not moved yet. 'Are you scared?' Light head pressure in the right front part of my skull. I was thrilled, but a bit skeptical. I reassured him that it was okay. I asked again: 'Can you hear me?' More head pressure! I directed my focus on the music in the car towards him and got warmth radiating in my arms. That may have just been my giddiness. I had earlier drawn up a picture of what I wanted him to look like. A human male with muted brown hair, gold eyes, and creamy, gold tinted skin. His hands have black spots on them, similar to a dove's wings, and ear-like feathered tufts on the sides of his head. However, upon passively forcing, and trying to get detailed views, his form altered. He became a little less childish looking in his face, a little shorter, and the ears became closer to horizontal rabbit ears covered in down. And no matter how hard I tried, he rejected all my colour schemes. His form is currently all blue, including his pupils, nails, insides, everything. Different, dull shades. It's actually very beautiful. I wonder if he'll stay that way. I told 'Dove' a story that I made up off the top of my head about why the leaves fall off the trees in autumn. No response. I discussed emotions with him, told him about different feelings, and etc. Whenever I asked him about showing me different emotions, my brain kept trying to make it seem as if he were giving picture responses in my head. I just went with it, and would explain why an image could represent said feeling, but how the image could also mean something else. He didn't answer, but I know he was listening. After some silence and a sudden feeling that I was with someone, I asked 'Dove' if he was there. Except when I directed my attention to his form, I could not remember that name until stumbling a few times. I tried asking again, and realized I was getting different feedback - 'Mos--'. I'm not sure if that is short for Moses or Mosaic, (maybe even Mozart? but that's just a joke) so I have taken to calling him Mos. I got head pressure after asking if that was correct. Funny, I was never partial to the name Moses, and Mosaic is certainly different. The deviations were definitely getting me excited, though. However, I felt extremely exhausted and irritated all of a sudden, and excused myself from him, saying my thoughts were not in the right place, and I was not in the right mindset. I got amazing communication results hours later, as I pulled out a stack of uncounted papers. I began counting, and then paused, remembering Mos and thinking to him that I was excited for when we could work together to remember things and tap into our subconscious. In my head, there was an immediate response of: 'There's 20 papers'. Granted, it was in my voice, my thought, but I know one hundred percent it had been his suggestion. Guess what? 20 papers, on the nose. I couldn't have been more proud or excited. I sat with him for a while in our wonderland, still under that tree. He smiled briefly, but then gave me a look of pure anguish. I petted his head, held his hands, stroked his hair and hugged him, careful not to move him around dramatically. I am nervous about puppeting and I need to stop. Sometimes I imagine myself going off to do things with him, and then it flickers out and goes back to the image of us under the tree, as if it were a poster uncurling off the original wall image. Is it really him I was going with, or an imagined scenario? He was so upset, would only shake his head at me. Maybe he's exhausted, or I did something wrong. Perhaps I'm repressing him by ripping down those 'posters?' That's all for now. I'm really getting pumped over self-hypnosis and lucid dreaming. I have never been able to accomplish either, but I am sure with time I can make it work. Cheers to a new commitment and life with tulpas!
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