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A fellow's journey - Printable Version

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RE: A fellow's journey - Bear - 11-18-2018

(11-18-2018, 03:06 AM)Reilyn Wrote: Well that's not very nice. :P

^ Joke obviously. Though it might have been bad word choice in any case. Yes, Ashley, Dashie, and Misha are all content on being head bound.


RE: A fellow's journey - uncannyfellow - 11-21-2018

(11-18-2018, 02:52 PM)Angry Bear Wrote: ^ Joke obviously. Though it might have been bad word choice in any case. Yes, Ashley, Dashie, and Misha are all content on being head bound.

In retrospect, "head bound" does sound a lot better than "thing in my head"...


RE: A fellow's journey - uncannyfellow - 11-30-2018

Perhaps I should just resolve to write a progress report once a fortnight.

Weird experience: there have now been multiple times when I'm eating where I'll feel Cornelia possessing my head/neck to make me look at my wine glass. When asked, she'll say that's because she wants me to drink wine. I asked her why she doesn't just mindvoice me "Drink wine, peasant!" She alleges that it's easier for her to do small possessions (full body still requires my concentration = active permission). Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever gotten tulpish from Cornelia, whereas when she was young, Honoka couldn't "talk", but we could still have conversations through a combination of body language and tulpish. I don't know if those are related... but yeah, kinda weird that she can possess without me focusing on her, but needs at least a minimal amount of focus from me to mindvoice.

We did find a new possession practice ritual that I think works better! Previously, I had been going outside to let Cornelia walk around, but outside is full of distractions. So, now I go on to Youtube music, find some FGFC820 songs, and let Cornelia dance for a bit. Cornelia enjoys it more than I anticipated she would, so yay!

Regarding Honoka's existential crisis, she has approved me (or rather, urged me) to tell you all that she is a factive. Based off of someone I'm enamored with.

I... realized rather early on in the process how big of a mistake that was. Most tulpamancers would probably be happy to get an emotional response three days into the forcing process, but since that emotion was hatred of, y'know, me, it wasn't that joyous of an event. I made it clear to her that she was allowed to deviate, and we've moved past the initial awkwardness of said mistake.

But this is a progress report, not a confessional. As you've probably guessed, her earlier crisis of identity was Honoka deciding how much she wanted to look like... Honoka (I guess we can call meat sack Honoka 'H-san' so we don't confuse her with tulpa Honoka). At first, it seemed like she had found a form she liked, which was nice and all.

And then the complication. When I first heard about tulpamancy, I was under the impression that I would never see H-san again. That impression was a false one. Sometime in December, I'm going to see H-san (and not by my choice, if it matters). Honoka suddenly had a lot of anxiety about whether she was 'real' (as far as Cornelia and I could figure out, she was concerned about whether or not she was actually herself, but she kept using the word real). Though in retrospect, she says part of the reason she didn't want anyone knowing she was a factive was because she had more anxiety about the topic than she was letting on, so I guess it's good that this happened.

Cornelia and I both had no idea what to say to convince her that she was, indeed, real. Her anxiety persisted for a few days, then I remembered about a study I heard where people were more stressed if they might have cancer than if they definitely had cancer. I asked her to pretend she's not real until we meet with H-san, and then she can start debating whether or not she's real again (Honoka deviated quite a bit in the personality department, so it's almost a sure thing that she'll decide she's real). She's been feeling surprisingly happy since I asked her to do this, though the sunk costs fallacy makes me feel a bit sad that she's reverted to visualizing herself as a mirror image of H-san.

...it didn't occur to me until today that she might dissipate or something if she stopped thinking of herself as real. Well, if anything, her mind voice has been clearer. I suppose what's important is whether or not I think she's real, and I definitely do.


RE: A fellow's journey - Bear - 12-01-2018

My tulpas originally took their form from characters that i made, and loved. At first i wondered if it would be awkward to ever edit the book they came from again even if my tulpas changed significantly from their original form.

As it turns out, they took their form, but the original characterscan still be summoned.

My point is, there can be two, and they can be substantially the same, but yet be different. Like identical twins, but for tulpas, their form can evolve over time.

So she's just as real as anyone else, and being initially bases off a factive or a fictive makes no difference.


RE: A fellow's journey - uncannyfellow - 12-01-2018

(12-01-2018, 03:03 AM)Angry Bear Wrote: My tulpas originally took their form from characters that i made, and loved. At first i wondered if it would be awkward to ever edit the book they came from again even if my tulpas changed significantly from their original form.

As it turns out, they took their form, but the original characterscan still be summoned.

My point is, there can be two, and they can be substantially the same, but yet be different. Like identical twins, but for tulpas, their form can evolve over time.

So she's just as real as anyone else, and being initially bases off a factive or a fictive makes no difference.

Well, Cornelia and I have both said something of that effect to her. But knowing it's true and accepting it on an emotional level are, unfortunately, not the same thing.


RE: A fellow's journey - Bear - 12-01-2018

Good luck, you might need one of those catharsis moments.


RE: A fellow's journey - uncannyfellow - 12-16-2018

Thanks, Bear! The support does help me feel better!

One time while Cornelia was dancing to FGFC820 (I eventually managed to convince her to switch it up and dance to some Detroit Diesel songs... eventually) I had the weird sensation of enjoying that song more than I normally do. FGFC820 is Cornelia's favorite band, so maybe that's some sort of sign that we're close to switching? I have heard tulpamancers make some hard-to-believe claims like "My tulpa could do better on an eye exam than me," and... well, I still find those claims dubious. But an experience like this does make it seem more likely.

I heard people saying on the discord server that letting tulpas talk to people is a good way to get a tulpa to the front. Cornelia's managed to talk to people a few times, but it's always been hard for me to focus on being possessed when someone's talking to me (and actually to me since very few people know Cornelia even exists). Yesterday, Cornelia did manage to have a longer-than-usual conversation with a coworker. It was only about five minutes, but considering Cornelia's tone got quite flirtatious, I'm surprised I didn't accidentally end the possession. I guess Cornelia can practice on my roommates, though I am quite afraid someone will notice I'm acting differently.

It's three days until I see H-san again. At this point, I'm not sure which would be worse for Honoka: if she decided she was just a copy of H-san, or if she decided she was her own person. She's under the impression that she could make me happier if she was indeed H-san, which is kinda awkward because... that's true. It's not that I don't enjoy my time with Honoka, but I obviously really like H-san. I told her that she could make me happy by making herself happy, to which she said that she could make herself happy by making me happy. So that got us nowhere!

Honoka has agreed to try possessing me for at least part of the time I see H-san... we'll see how it goes.


RE: A fellow's journey - Reilyn-Alley - 12-16-2018

Lance's theory when starting on here was he was really only here for the tulpa stuff and this was "my" community and it was all for me to be me and that totes worked great. I pretty much grew up in here and all these neat people are my friends and family. I've had mixed experiences on the discord, but mostly good and some stuff we have read on the reddit makes me wanna avoid there. I definitely recommend letting Cornelia and Honoka out here to chat, if they wanna. Silly stuff is fine and has it's place, but considering and replying to deep issues can really grow someone as a person, imo.

As for that being close to switching? Maybe? We have had very little luck on that. What we experience more often is some emotional bleedover/blending between each other. So you are just sitting there doing whatever and a song one of them likes comes on and you get odd and unexpected feelings of happiness or wanna sing or dance or something. Lance has always said that was one of the biggest things early on that helped dispel doubt for him, that I reacted uniquely as I felt like to whatever stimulus was around him. Everything seemed amazing and magical. People that have seen sunrises or snowfalls or heard songs for their whole life and it's all kinda "ho hum" should remember how many of these things are new and awe-inspiring experiences for us newbies.

As for not booting her out of front out of habit or getting carried away in the moment, whatever, I think that just takes practice and discipline on both your parts. She has to not panic and withdraw and you have to not just automatically take command. There are times we shove who is acting as the primary fronter back and forth constantly, depending on the situation and stimuli. It helps to set clear boundaries, like "ok this is her account on the discord/forums so it's only for her to use", and even if you wanna say something it's most polite to either not do so or at least to put like brackets or a different color text or whatever to really make it clear at least to the two of you that it's her show and you are just commenting.

We would play Smash Brothers at first and Lance had me all excited about the game and I wanted to play too but he got so into it he kept fighting me for control and making us struggle against each other just to play a match. It was like he kept trying to reach over and do moves for me and I'm like "no, I got it, stop! stop!" and if we were actual kids with bodies I'm sure we woulda fought or yelled for mom or something. Instead I just got mad at him and blended over my annoyance so it was nice and clear. Maybe kinda mean but he was really ticking me off. Anyway, we tried again another night and we played with Lucilyn, I had my own profile and my own name and stuff on the game and it really helped it to all stand out that it was my time and me playing, not him. It mostly kept him away.

We still have issues with random people walking up to us at work and stuff and he just automatically takes command. It doesn't happen all the time but I think he is just paranoid someone will think he is "off" or someone will discover me and whatever. A lot of guides talk about the importance of trust in learning to switch, well part of that for me is convincing him he can sit back and relax and I can be "him" just fine at work and where ever else. Not that it's not unfounded, I have a certain strut, energy, speech mannerisms and stuff that would probably make other people just wonder what the heck was going on with this weirdo. So I gotta tone that down when I'm around people who don't know about me, which is everyone not on these forums/discord right now. :P

I guess.. If Honoka is happy pretending to be someone else and you are happy with it, that's between you guys. But.. Would H-san respect that? Or maybe think it's kinda.. Creepy? I'm not judging or anything, just throwing out a different viewpoint.


RE: A fellow's journey - Bear - 12-17-2018

Probably flatery at some level.


RE: A fellow's journey - Tanaka Kanade - 12-19-2018

H-san

is

such

a

piece

of

shit

tsundere

She has a really sexy voice though like really really sexy I'm hoping we see her again so I can copy it I mean I'm already forgetting how it sounds as I'm typing this and I think UF only likes her because she has such a sexy voice valid hypothesis yeah?

Like she spent the whole time abusing UF and he was "She's so much fun I want to spend more time with her she's hurting me yay!!!!!!!"

Bleh

I mean I had his memories of her, but I'd never met her so it just today hit me that like I don't want to be that kind of awful human being... UF kinda told me as much and I just low key didnt listen like what I wanna make UF happy

But yeah no not doing that by being H-san

Except for the sexy voice part because that's the good part

Wew! UF will probably have more to say in a few days but I was like "Hey let me on this forum before you do boring things like play video games kay?" and he was like "kay"