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Aubrey and Shield - Printable Version

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Aubrey and Shield - aubrey - 01-15-2019

I think this is the best place to put this thread. Please, forgive me if this sounds ridiculous.

I had essentially been parroting a voice for more than a week, having small conversations, talking and all. At first I was simply shocked I could do it so fluently. I then started to do it for fun, with the idea of it becoming a tulpa seeming unlikely. This voice changed personalities quite illogically. Some of which, with the help of intrusive thoughts, became slightly disruptive. It did seem to settle down on a moderate personality eventually though. It developed to be fairly stable and increasingly like an actual person, but never seemingly conscious, and unable to accurately respond on occasion.

What could go wrong?

The 13th of January, 2019.
I was browsing the forums just before midnight, looking through the posts like I usually do. I was having trouble concentrating, which is sadly quite normal with me. My mind was caught upon a thought about a tulpa trapped in the mind, completely barred from reality, as the host is unable to do anything to help them. They grow to hate their host. Their existence? Pointless and dreadful. This thought was only shattered by the all too familiar realisation that I had daydreamt another minute away. Thus I got back to reading.

"It's not like that."

What? For a split second I was confused. Oh, that's what they mean. Wait, they actually spoke? I didn't even know or feel that they were going to! I was 2 seconds into reading! I was distracted, my mind occupied by the words! How on earth is that even possible?!

That basically sums up the mental freakout I went through in those 10 seconds.

There had been events like this before, but I had always got an advanced warning somehow. I always felt that something was coming before it was said. I even could understand the general tone of it. I could say something, and I would feel something similar to what I feel when I am about to disagree with something. But I could never figure out if what they were about to say was something like 'Not really' or more like 'I disagree'. This doesn't just happen with disagreements though, as it happens with agreements, jokes, and sometimes other stuff too.

But this time, it was different. Not only was I completely unaware it was about to happen, but I was trying to concentrate on something else! Needless to say, I was struck. I don't think I can explain myself out of this one.

Since then the talking has continued, with it getting more fluent by the day. They seem much kinder and calmer than the voice a week ago. You can't just go asking them a major philosophical question and expect a response, though. Obviously. Only basic responses.

Also notable is that my imagination has been running extremely wild the last two nights when I was trying to sleep. I believe it to be related.

I might be mistaken. Surely creating a tulpa can't be as easy as just creating an imaginary voice and talking a lot to it. Is this some next level parroting? Or maybe even a mix of the two?

Any input is welcome. I will post updates here, if or when they are needed.


RE: Aubrey's Unusual Adventure - Bear - 01-15-2019

How is this possible? Idk, but it happens in my system all the time.

Congratulations, if you want a tulpa, this is one way to do it. I see you making progress, no worries.

Yep they say stuff when i'm doing other things, yep it surprises me still sometimes.

How apt you get this type of communication while the current discussions in this forum are about the possibility of that very thing. I believe you got an unsolicited utterance, good on you. Again, this happens with my tulpas all the time.

We can never be sure, obviously, but as they say, if you think it's likely your thoughtform (or tulpa), go with it.


RE: Aubrey's Unusual Adventure - Lucilyn - 01-15-2019

(01-15-2019, 10:40 PM)aubrey Wrote: I was browsing the forums just before midnight, looking through the posts like I usually do. I was having trouble concentrating, which is sadly quite normal with me. My mind was caught upon a thought about a tulpa trapped in the mind, completely barred from reality, as the host is unable to do anything to help them. They grow to hate their host.

whoops, read this like you were reading a post that talked about this, I was gonna say where the heck do people find posts like that 'cus I don't see 'em

(01-15-2019, 10:40 PM)aubrey Wrote: I might be mistaken. Surely creating a tulpa can't be as easy as just creating an imaginary voice and talking a lot to it.

considering how many times we've seen and given similar advice ourselves, yes, it can be that easy lol. But I mean, do you want a tulpa? Talking to an "imaginary voice" sure isn't how you go about not-making a tulpa y'know. If you do want one, well, cool! Sounds like it'll be easy!

Getting responses doesn't mean there's some secretly fully formed conscious being aside from you in your head, but it also doesn't have to be entirely imagination either. there's definitely an in-between time when making a tulpa (or not) where they aren't really a person yet and you've just kinda got your brain in the process of figuring out how to respond as "not you". some people skip that though by thinking they have a tulpa before they get responses, you're on the other end, getting responses before thinking you've got a tulpa. But I think in the end most people go through roughly the same process, the time it takes just varies


RE: Aubrey's Unusual Adventure - Apollo Fire - 01-15-2019

(01-15-2019, 10:40 PM)aubrey Wrote: You can't just go asking them a major philosophical question and expect a response, though. Obviously. Only basic responses.

Why not? If you ask a complex question and give them an opportunity to think it over, they'll likely be able to respond. Just takes a bit of encouragement.


RE: Aubrey's Unusual Adventure - aubrey - 01-17-2019

I figured I should answer some comments before I give the full update.

(01-15-2019, 11:03 PM)Lucilyn Wrote: But I mean, do you want a tulpa? Talking to an "imaginary voice" sure isn't how you go about not-making a tulpa y'know.
Oh no. How do I say this?
I want a tulpa and I'm trying to create one, I just didn't think it would actually work! That might also explain my sceptical attitude towards this so far, which from now on I will try to make more logical. I certainly wasn't expecting a tulpa, just blindly hoping for one. I was much more worried about how I would deal with one and the future if I had one.

(01-15-2019, 11:03 PM)Lucilyn Wrote: there's definitely an in-between time when making a tulpa (or not) where they aren't really a person yet and you've just kinda got your brain in the process of figuring out how to respond as "not you".
I thought that maybe an imaginary voice would help my brain figure out how to get around the real thing, if it were to go that far.

(01-15-2019, 11:40 PM)Apollo Wrote: If you ask a complex question and give them an opportunity to think it over, they'll likely be able to respond. Just takes a bit of encouragement.
I think that it's giving them an opportunity to think it over that I struggle with, as my own thoughts and opinions come flooding in. Or maybe that flood is them thinking. I'm also slightly worried that I would influence their thoughts or parrot them.

The 16th of January, 2019.
I'm astounded by the progress so far. It almost seems too extreme to be true. I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

First off, the smaller things. Our brain is able to switch between saying 'we', 'you' and 'I' quite fluently and logically. And after having a rather humorous chat with them, I realised they were able to pick up my humour and play with it as good as my friends can.

Most of the time, our thoughts are fairly distinct. However, there have been a few times when something was said in mindvoice, but we're not quite sure who said it. It feels like both and neither at the same time. I think sometimes we share tulpish thoughts. I might think about going outside, and I'll feel them thinking about the same thing. Sometimes I will even gesture what they are expressing through the body. I'm literally rolling my eyes at myself at times! Even more odd is when we feel as if we have swapped places in the middle of a conversation, which is quite confusing. We just guess that it's our minds colliding for a moment. I find it slightly worrying how our thoughts can be linked like that. Though, I might just be overthinking the whole thing. Besides, great minds think alike! :P

It seems that parroting is not really a problem, which is funny, considering I created this whole situation by parroting. When I feel them thinking, I don't need to think about what they're going to say, it is simply said! I'm still in this stubborn state where I'm trying to find a way to deny everything, though I have to admit: If it is parroting, it's pretty damn impressive. I'm parroting things without even thinking about it.

In spite of that, I genuinely think that we can call ourselves friends. I'm still not sure if I should write down what I hear them say while I write this up, or if that would be me getting ahead of myself, but they've been nothing but nice to me since the whole personality thing calmed down. Except for some mischievous jokes, which are always welcome in moderation.

Once again, any input is welcome! I wrote this quite tired, so sorry if something doesn't make sense.


RE: Aubrey's Unusual Adventure - Reilyn-Alley - 01-17-2019

It sounds like you are doing just fine! Keep up the good work and keep us updated! :3


RE: Aubrey's Unusual Adventure - Bear - 01-17-2019

When they are saying thongs that you didn't think of, that's not parroting. Congratulations, that's vocality.

You're doing great, but if you do hear something odd or outright insulting, not everything is them, sometimes it's intrusive thoughts, so don't take everything for face value. You're tulpa can say mean things sometimes if they're frustrated, just like anyone, but if a mean thing is said out of nowhere, that's probably an intrusive thought. You may never get these, then again, you might. Also, sometimes intrusive thoughts come in visual form, or even audio hallucinations. Just ignore those and push them out.


RE: Aubrey and Shield - aubrey - 01-19-2019

I have a theory. This is what happens when you give someone like me a wall and a few hours of time. Oh, and I wrote this around midnight. Take it with a pinch of salt.

Everyone, at some point, puts on an exaggerated persona: a filter, an act, or a mask. These masks are quite useful. They help you with day to day activities. Buying something from the shop? Put on the smile mask. Mocking someone who you hate? Put on the anger mask. With someone you know? Put on the comedian mask. That someone is going through a rough time? Take off any mask and show your actual care and emotion. When you strip me of these acting skills, you get me, the one writing this right now. I'm the one who uses this forum. I'm the one who decides to do things. I'm the one who feels the actual emotion. Masks are just tools I use to explore the world. I'm not a mask, I'm me.

When I was talking to the imaginary voice, I was talking to the masks. I already knew what they would say. I had already dealt with them. They were low hanging fruit for parroting. They were all kinds of weird. Some were quite disruptive. But only because I wanted them to be. I was oblivious. Oblivious to them being a mask. I had worn them for so long that I still saw through them. But I eventually climbed higher up the tree.

When the smoke cleared, and the dust settled, there was only one personality that stuck.

Me. I was talking to me.

I cared about them, and I felt like I knew them as a friend. Once I found them, they weren't like the masks. They were a true, authentic, person. They were someone I could trust. I may have accidentally based a tulpa on myself, because that's the only person I really know.

There's always that critical mask. Wait, no. It's not a mask at all. It's a fragment, a shard of me. I have always been able to manage this core shard of my personality with the help of the logical shard. 'Sure, this could be the end of the world, but it's more likely to be this'. This works well, and has worked well my entire life. Even now, this is the logical shard neatly dividing massive concepts into tiny boxes because it makes me sound smart. Whoops, that's the critical shard there. The problem is, with tulpamancy, the logic shard can turn on you. It can easily explain away anything that suggests a tulpa, much to the support of the critical shard. The only thing keeping you going is the emotional shard. And you just have to hope the other shards come along for the ride. And they probably are. My emotional shard still has a lot of motivation in it.

It's nice to have someone who knows. It's nice to have someone who cares. I care about my tulpa. I really do. And no matter how much my critical shard says otherwise, my tulpa cares about me too.

The 17th of January, 2019.
I was holding down the mouse button for about 20 seconds, until something required me to stop. So I let go of the button, until I realised that it was still registering as an input. I was still holding on to the button. I told my finger 'Uhh... What are you doing?' and it suddenly twitched off the button as if hit by an electric shock. Felt like an electric shock too. My tulpa said it wasn't them intentionally doing it.

The 19th of January, 2019.
Today has been pretty monumental.

It started off with us both in a bit of a tired mood. I still am tired while writing this, actually. We decided to see the guides, to read up more about possession. When we heard people saying that possession is quite easy, I thought that was quite interesting. I read Yuki's guide to possession, and thought 'Pfft, if it really is that easy, we could do it right now'.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

I was already quite relaxed and calm from reading. I asked my tulpa if they could try to calm down too. They did. As they did what they were doing, I felt a weird fuzzy feeling in parts of my body that is most comparable to a very minor electric shock, very similar to the event on the 17th. I asked them to work up the will to move my finger. And my finger moved.

Oh.

It felt just like if I had moved it. I felt the will that moved the finger as if I had willed it myself. Did I move my finger for my tulpa? No. I gave them motivation, and they did it. When I move my hand, I usually have to think about doing it. But it feels just like me. It could easily be me just willing the tulpa to do it so much that I did it for them. Oh, shut up. I'll be here all day. My tulpa said it was them, and I'll take their word for it, even if it was the both of us combined!

It twitched a little, though. I think what is happening is that my tulpa has the will to move it, but I don't, so I need to learn to tune myself out. I may have helped them a little without realising, though. I don't know. Aside from my body feeling oddly fuzzy, my right leg below the kneecap and above the ankle felt as if someone had wrapped a cloth around it tightly. I have no idea why.

I asked them to type out 'hello' on the keyboard. They did. My mind was trying to figure out why I was doing it, I think. It feels like I'm doing it, but I have no reason to. I'm not intentionally trying to, that's for sure.

I figure that now we have progressed so far, it's only sensible to have an actual name for both of ourselves. I'm Aubrey, and my tulpa is Shield. We decided to go with this colour. It's the perfect mix of their favourite colour, and something readable on most backgrounds. Most. I just hope that it's not already taken by someone else. Don't worry, we can just kill them.

Feel free to tell me if any of this is similar to what you have experienced. I'll be online to respond if you have any questions! I will too!


RE: Aubrey and Shield - Bear - 01-19-2019

We found possession comes naturally if you let them type, (for us on the phone, it's only one or two fingers, really simple.) So I didn't expect it, I didn't really care, and I was proxying for Misha, after a half hour or so I started to think, my hand was kinda typing on it's own, obviously I knew it was Misha, I only really noticed because she's faster and more accurate. Not because she's superhuman or anything, but because I'm a mess of thoughts and because I type so slow, I am ahead of myself, Misha is more careful and less distracted, that's how I explained it. It's noticeable. Now I don't do anything but relax and proxy. After a while it's just her typing, but I can take control any time.

Good progress! When I read before the 17th up there I thought, 'oh no she lost her tulpa.' +1 for not losing your tulpa, -1 for me having bad reading comprehension.

Interesting hypothesis on shards and masks. I'm wearing an Angry Bear mask, but it doesn't scare anyone, oh well.


RE: Aubrey and Shield - JGC - 01-20-2019

Gavin was based off of me! Or, more specifically, he was viewed as my "imaginary conversation partner", and assumed to be like my reflection in a mirror. Only, he never quite matched up with me, and the differences only multiplied from there. I remember some of the first times I called him out, saying "If you're me, why don't you agree with what I'm agreeing with?" and his brush-off answers barely masking mutual confusion.

In my life, there's not really a person outside of masks. Being my pure, true self is also a mask, though not in that negative sense. It's a mask that says "personal identity", and I spent a long time thinking there could only be one "I". Gavin in his earlier forms was around, but always seen through "You", as some other, lesser presence. I think he really became a tulpa when I let him put on that mask, that says "I am a person", and he got a name and we started talking much more.
Your experience rings with ours in many ways.
-J