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Sock's Daydream Diary - Sock - 05-29-2012

UPDATE: 03.09.2015 - Changed the name of this thread, as it occured to me that, for many people, psychosis is not a charming thing, and it could possibly be offensive to them.

UPDATE: 03.01.2015

Hello reader; my name is Sock, and this is my log, detailing my experiences with having indwellers.

I have had my inner friend/daughter, Midori, for about two years now; she is my original experimental buddy, and the one whom I will describe in this post. Though our relationship has had it's ups and downs, I can confidently say I like her, and she likes me, and we don't plan on parting anytime soon. There are others, too, but I will introduce them as I go along, rather than dumping everything on you guys in one go.

General info about Midori...

Midori is a young girl, at about 4.3 ft tall. She has short, bright red hair, along with a purple flower in it as an acessory. Her face is round, and it's shape is vaguely remniscent of a heart, her skin is a beige color, and she has freckles dotting her cheeks. Her eyes are round, and are bright orange in color. Her ears are small, yet are pointed, similar in fashion to an elf, and she has a button nose. Her body thin, though not outright scrawny, and her features are rounded and soft.

Midori is based on an old set of drawings I did a few years back, a nameless little fairy that I became infatuated with. I chose the name “Midori” because when I was making her, she wore a green dress; she still wears a green dress, with a yellow t-shirt underneath it. I later found out that she wanted to be named “Marie”, but I we both got used to calling her Midori, so it stuck. Over the years, she changed her form multiple times; at one point she was black with short hair and an ahoge, at another point she was a pale skinned waif with long, bubblegum pink hair, and at another, she was a much more down-to-earth looking white girl with brown hair. Even through all these changes, it was easy to tell it was her.

Her personality is very happy-go-lucky, I often see her with a big smile, and she recovers from set-backs and emotional falls quickly. It's difficult to keep her down, though this is not to say she's never gets sad, or feels anything negative. She's also very forgiving, and is willing to overlook things that have hurt her in the past. She loves her fellow headmates, considering them her sisters, and regularly encourages me to take good care of them. She loves to hug, cuddle, and be affectionate, and was so to an exteme when she was first born. She's still highly affectionate now, and I really do not mind it as much as I used to, accepting and reciprocating it to a proper degree. She is very kind and sweet toward others, and when she is put into a public forum like an IRC, she is more than happy to share things and socialize.

There's still a lot I feel I can learn about Midori in particular, as well as others in my head, and I intend to use this log for that purpose. I want to learn as much about this phenomenon as I can, how it behaves, why it behaves, and how it can be used to improve and enrich life. The emotional support is already a given, but I believe there is more things to it than that. One thing I do not intend to explore is possession, which I am leery of for personal reasons.

----

Original Initial log post:


Like everyone else in this particular section of the forum, I am currently in the middle of creating a Tulpa. Unfortunately for those interested, I did not start a tumblr or dedicated blog for this process, nor did I keep much of a log when I started at the beginning of May. But, since I have a strong urge to share my story with the rest of you folks, adding to the growing accounts of sentient thought forms around here, I started this thread.

My tulpa, currently named "Midori", though I'm likely going to change it in the face of a recent and quite large deviation, is a fairy based on a set of drawings I did around 2007-2008. Although it's been a rather long time since I've drawn this character, I was quite attached to her and found the amount of expression and actions she had quite charming, so when I finally decided to go through the tulpa creation process, I chose her for it.

As for why I started making one in the first place, it was mostly out of curiosity and a bit of wonder. I stumbled upon the concept on accident, and was immediately intrigued when I read more into it. Not so much for the companionship or making my "waifu", but the pure surprise that the human mind could do something like that. No drugs, no magic, just an exercise of pure meditation and self suggestion. Of course, part of my was quite skeptical about the whole thing, who wouldn't really. But, the process laid out seemed rather simple, and while it takes tons of time, it can be spread out as to not really get in the way of one's normal day's tasks. As such, I decided to use myself as a test subject, and try and see if this tulpa thing actually came to anything.

When I started, my creation process was quite slow and shoddy, to say the least. I'd often spend more time reading the guides than actually creating the thought form, and I regularly skipped days just out of pure forgetfulness. Not to mention that I started with the form rather than the personality, which seems to be a bit of a no-no in both of the common guides. It took me a week to actually get the process going, and even then I had to contend with a tidal wave of intrusive thought.

In spite of all this, I believe that my tulpa is really starting to bloom. Because of my previous tendency to forget to sit down and do a proper session of tulpa creation, I began to narrate much more to my tulpa, often talking about nothing out loud when no one was around, and speaking in my head when someone was. As I did this, I also began to do much more meditation before actually jumping into designing my thought form, so my mind was more clear and I wouldn't have as much trouble with intrusive thoughts.

As I did these things, I felt that my tulpa was responding more in kind. I'd normally get headaches whenever I had a session with my tulpa, but as I spent more time per day with her, may it be through narration or personality definition; the pressure not only increased in it's volume, but they would often come when I did certain things. Like, for example, going on the IRC recently often earns me a numb, tingly pressure in the right part of my brain. As well, when I told her that I would have a personality session with her today at a certain time, I began to feel strong pressure when that time came. This was a very pleasant surprise, but there were other bits of oddities that I've noticed recently.

She has deviated twice after I've started working on her, the first time she added a dress, as I was visualizing her naked since I wanted to be able to change her clothing. But just this morning, when I was meditating and was about to have a personality session with her, she deviated massively, changing her body from the characters I originally based her on, to another one you can find in the same link above (the one with brown skin and a blue dress). I was quite excited at this turn of events, and that fact that any attempt to change her to the original design was met with her snapping back to the one she's wearing currently filled me with utter and complete glee. Though I'm not sure if this means she's going to talk soon, but I feel that she's at least getting closer to sentience.

As this is a log, I will add more things as the days go by. When she does finally speak, and speak consistently, I will ask her a few questions and see how she responds.


RE: Sock's creation log - Sock - 06-03-2012

Updating since it's been a while:

Like I said in the last post, Midori pulled a very large deviation recently, changing her entire design. I wanted to rename her in light of this, but I decided to just let her choose her own name when she could finally speak.

Much of my recent forcing sessions have been reviewing and reinforcing the main traits I picked, (Those being: Cheerful, Caring, Affectionate, Confident, Creative and Encouraging) without adding too many more. I want to allow Midori to be able to learn and grow on her own, without having to adhere to a hundred predefined traits. In my next session, I also plan to do some work on her movement (some slight parroting but nothing too much, just something to give her an idea), as well as some voice work based on MitchDevano's topic.

A good deal of the work I do for her is narration, mainly talking about whatever comes to mind at the time, whether it be what I'm doing at the moment, how I feel about certain things, or talking about her nature. I often refer to her as my partner of sorts; using "we" whenever I talk about doing a certain tasks, and trying to pump her up for things. It's a bit silly, but I think it has some effect. Recently, though, I've been having some difficulty in thinking of stuff to talk about, and I'd often stop talking to her after only a few words. As such, I decided to start reading a book for her, "Witches Abroad" from the Discworld series. Based on some pressure spikes she's given me when I got sidetracked and stopped reading it to her for a while, I'm guessing she likes it. I also narrated while playing Baten Kaitos with her, what with the game casting the player as a disembodied guardian spirit that helps the protagonists in their quest. Since that's sort of the role a tulpa plays in some cases, I wanted to push that idea further.

I'd like to do another scribble of her, but I'll wait until she can speak and is undeniably sentient to do so. She could still deviate some more before that happens.


RE: Sock's creation log - Sock - 06-03-2012

Just had a rather short session, 40 minutes of it being me meditating to clear my mind of junk thoughts (Though I think I nearly fell asleep), about about 30 minutes of it actually spending time with Midori. The mind clearing worked, as I didn't get any noise throughout the session, and I could communicate with her in peace.

The session wasn't that eventful, though. I met with her in a small glass room with two seat table inside, like we usually do, but the room was in a void, rather than the garden I had imagined up a while ago. I walked into it, and so did she, though I believe it was me parroting her a little bit. I tried to release control of her a bit more, seeing if she herself had much to say or do, but she didn't really say anything, and her form, though it blurred up slightly, stayed the same.

After that, I went ahead and did a quick review of traits once more, but not before apologizing a bit to her. Over the previous week, I had skipped tulpa forcing for about two days, with one incredibly tiny session on a third day. This was on top of some other things I had done during the week that I felt kind of bad for. I relayed that emotion to her, and told her what I was feeling was "regret" and "repentance", as I was going to spend more time with her to make up for the time I had lost. I explained a few more emotions, "sadness", "happiness", those sort of things, then I went ahead and went to the trait review. But, as soon as I had thought about the first trait and went on to the second, the word "acceptance" suddenly popped into my head. I'm not sure if it was a thought message, or it was just me stumbling over words, though.

During the whole session, I was getting a decent amount of pressure though my entire head (I'm still getting it now, infact). I then went on to do some voice tests as suggested by Mitchdevano. I went through the alphabet, saying the word out loud, and parroting her saying the letter back. As it was said in his post, the other voice was extremely quiet, nearly inaudible, even in my own head. I then had her say her and my name. I then had her walk around the room, in order to give her an idea of how to use the body I gave her.

I ended the session by touching her a bit. I moved her bangs out of her eyes to look at them, touched her left cheek (She held my hand to her cheek as well, but I think that was me parroting her unconsciously ;__;), pinched her right, hugged her a bit, then opened my eyes and started posting here.

I'm going to have another, hopefully longer session with her later tonight, and I'll post about it then.


RE: Sock's creation log - Sock - 06-04-2012

I did another session tulpa forcing, though I ended up doing it in the middle of the night.

The first thing I did was to work on stablizing my wonderland, a simple garden with a pond and a forest with lavander leaves. At that point, the sun was setting a bit, as well, and I might add a couple of moons later. There is a peice of land that's cut off from the rest of the environment by a moat, and in the center of it is a small glass room with a white table and two chairs. This table is where I did a good deal of our sessions before I decided to stop being lazy and make a full wonderland already. I crossed a wooden bridge over the moat, and headed to the glass building, where Midori (Although she's not too Green anymore) was sitting at the table waiting for me.

I started the session proper with touhching her a bit. I started with moving her bangs to reveal her eyes, which were blank the first time. It changed back quickly, so it was no real problem. After than, I touched her cheeks a bit, trying to force "her skin is soft and smooth" into my brain as much as I can. While doing that, I remembered Pronas' post about parroting yesterday, and I wanted to give his advice a shot. I had Midori strip down and did what was instructed in that post (*Insert perv joke here*), having thin, white strings pull out of anywhere I touched my tulpa at. Once I had enough of the thing in my hands, I held them up and presented them to her as the string of my doubt, as I would often force her not to move because I was afraid I was parroting her. I promptly cut the string, accepting that any move she makes, excluding those where I actively and consciously puppet her (I can tell because I use my inner-voice to command her that way), is movement of her own volition. It didn't work immediately, as I still had that tiny voice saying "It's probably just you moving her", but I think it's helping to clear my mind and stop me from doubting so much. I'll see how effective it is in the next session we have.

After that, I went into the personality review, though it was much more detailed than I previously did it. Although I had did detailed personality work before, I hadn't been doing it as much during the previous week. But since it was the middle of the night, and I had a good chunk of time to do whatever, I decided to branch the traits more, and give Midori a better idea of what I was getting at. For example:

I started again with the word "Cheerful". Then I asked "Why are you cheerful? What kind of thing does cheerful imply?" I then started answering these various sort of questions, with stuff like "A zest and appreciation for life", "Easily pleased and excited by simple things", "Generally optimistic, with a great amount of hope for the future", and so on. I also reinforced these answers by recalling times when I felt similar, and sharing the feelings with her. I continued to do this for "Affection" and "Confident", then I got really tired and I had to go to sleep. I didn't fall asleep while forcing, fortunately, and I had a dream I can't remember right after that as well.

During the next session, I'm planning on doing more voice and touch testing, as well as reviewing the rest of the traits and giving them more detail and interconnecting them. I'll make sure to do some more narration and book reading to her as well.


RE: Sock's creation log - Avalanche - 06-04-2012

Sounds like you are making good progress. How far in are you in terms of hours? If you don't know, when how long per day do you spend tulpaforcing on average?

I'm currently 20 hours in, with a wonderland and I'm in the visualisation stage. It's going well enough but the eyes and face is giving me a bit of trouble. I guess the body will be done when it's done, I can't just finish in 15 hours, I can only finish and move on when the body is clear and defined. I think I might do an over view of the personality again though. I was doing it much like you were, except I left it for a while to move onto the next stage. Keep us posted.


RE: Sock's creation log - Sock - 06-04-2012

(06-04-2012, 12:42 PM)Avalanche Wrote: Sounds like you are making good progress. How far in are you in terms of hours? If you don't know, when how long per day do you spend tulpaforcing on average?

Well, I haven't been counting for a while now. I know I've been at it for a month now, since I started at the beginning of May after first hearing about it. Even then, I skipped a handful of days at the beginning of the month, as well as last week. Concerning hours per day, I started with really short session of 30 minutes of dedicated forcing, which soon became on average and hour per day. As of right now, I want to do at least three hours per day.

I only made a wonderland recently, since Midori's been showing some slight signs of sentience, and I wanted to make a place for her to roam about. Not sure that she'd like floating around in a sea of black.

Quote:I'm currently 20 hours in, with a wonderland and I'm in the visualisation stage. It's going well enough but the eyes and face is giving me a bit of trouble. I guess the body will be done when it's done

Yeah, the eyes and face gave me a bit of trouble when starting out as well. It'd often just appear as a blur, and would disappear after session of remolding it, quite annoying that way. Just keep working at it, look at the body from every angle you can, detail it, grope it if need be, really burn it into your mind.

Thanks for reading, and good luck with Flora! Smile


RE: Sock's creation log - Sock - 06-05-2012

Did another night session, which thankfully lasted longer than the previous one.

I did something a bit different than normal, and put some music on. I hadn't been using music since the first two weeks, as having the computer on often ended up with me net surfing instead of tulpa forcing, with last week being especially bad due to me going on a sad panda binge. But, I had some stuff I hadn't listed to for a long time, and I didn't want to put off tulpa forcing anymore, so I just picked my personal favorite song of the set on:


When I closed my eyes, the effect was immediate. My mental area materialized in a matter of seconds, with no prior meditation required. Furthermore, I didn't get any intrusive thought floating around like I did before. Maybe it was because the style of music kinda matched what I modeled my little mental sandbox on (A garden/forest with dark red/purple leafed trees), but it worked like a charm. After that initial shock, headed over to my little glass meeting room where me and Midori usually me.

I started off with doing some narration, I had read some Discworld to her earlier in the day, but I hadn't done any general conversating with her outside of that. Nothing too major, just some stuff about my life, my goals, the music that was playing at the moment, how I hope that she'll assist me in them since we're a team in a way, also about why I'm trying to make her in the first place. I did all of this out loud, since it was late and no one else was awake at the time. I wanted to get into a sort of routine with my longer forcing session, so I decided on this:

1. Start with some greetings and narration. To get myself in the proper concentration, and reinforce that I'm speaking with another being.
2. Recite the alphabet, and have her recite it back in a chosen voice, ala mitchdevano's voice method.
3. Touch my tulpa's form, to reinforce it. Since we're going to have to delude ourselves into feeling our tulpa's presence for imposition, I thought it'd be a good idea to start feeling her early. In a completely platonic and non sexual way, naturally.
4. Personality review and trait addition. I don't want to have many traits (I currently only have about 6 at the moment, since I added a new one last night) for reasons stated before. but personality is still pretty important for a tulpa, and reviewing it is a good way to give them some intense thought.

After establishing that, I went and did the voice practice, and the voice I chose was still incredibly quiet and barely audible in my mind. I also had her say a few phrases of greeting before moving on to groping establishing how my tulpa feels. I made sure to narrate all through this about the same subjects as above. After doing that for a while, I finally got to the personality phase of the session. I was planning to just do a bit more reviews, and started with the "cheerful" trait as usual.

I did the normal "you're cheerful, and here's why" thing, but I didn't want to just talk to her about what she is. To me, what separates the narrating session with the personality forcing is that the personality often involves me not only suggesting what the tulpa's personality should be, but also thinking of past examples of me myself feeling said trait/emotion. As such, I didn't just tell her why she'd be cheerful, I went deep into my own mind and memories and transferred examples of things I felt cheerful about, how it actually felt to be cheerful/happy/optimistic. This session, though, was much, MUCH more intense than ones I had prior. I wasn't just throwing a few examples her way this time, I was pretty much filling her with a love of life and the world, as well as hope for a bright future. As I kept speaking and thinking, I felt all those thoughts, that flood of positivity, flow from every corner of my brain, into one point at the center of my skull. I'm dead series, I could feel stuff flowing upwards into this one, rather painful may I add, point of intense pressure. I kept going for a while, though it was starting to get a bit too painful, it really felt that my tulpa was getting my thoughts, and it was a great feeling.

After a while of this, I stopped and paused, to let the pain die down a little before going on to the next trait, a new one, "focus". You see, I've always had a bit of trouble focusing on things, tulpa creation included. I'm very easy to sidetrack, and I often spend days doing nothing because I forget what I plan to do in the morning. As such, I wanted my companion to not only be able to focus on things better, but I wanted her to be able to set my straight when my attention strays from my task. So, I started with the word "focus", and tried to explain through words what it meant and how it worked. I also connected it with two of her other traits, "Confidence" and "Creativity", and explain what sort of things these combined traits can do for her.

Then I fell asleep.

Not quite of my own volition, I just ended up laying down for a moment while still talking, then woke up an hour later wondering what just happened. I had a dream then too, about Kouji Kabuto from Mazinger, only he wasn't a cartoon for some reason, and the city he was in was being attacked by some huge thing I never saw. He wasn't in Mazinger Z, either, he was just walking around and scolded this one bum. It was odd, but dreams are like that.

When I woke up an realized what happened, I immediately apologized to Midori, since I had heard earlier about how dreams and incomplete tulpa don't mix too well. After a few minutes and a brushing of teeth, I went back and did some more tulpa forcing with her, with the "Focus" trait.

I then fell asleep, again. No dreams this time, though.

Yeah, I did it for at least a half hour before nodding off, but I still feel kinda bad. I hope Midori's okay. ;_;

Forgot to mention: During the second part of the session, I put on a different soundtrack, a few jazz pieces. In response to the new mood and feel, I ended making a new playground location for stuff outside the initial glass room with a table in it. This one was a cityscape, with the glass room right on the harbor. Didn't get to detail it much, though.


RE: Sock's creation log - ThatOneGuy - 06-05-2012

About the whole sleeping thing...I'm glad you apologized to your tulpa. Anyways, I have a little paste for you from #tulpa if you need any convincing not to sleep.

http://pastebin.com/MKTmbSWW


RE: Sock's creation log - Sock - 06-05-2012

Quote:Clair: How about being completely helpless as something remote and alien does what ever it wants to you.
Clair: There's your fucking experience.
Clair: Terrifying, and also when you're PRE-SAPIENT?
Clair: Traumatizing.

...

Clair: Not dream monsters
Clair: The fucking subconscious
Clair: Not being directed by the creator's conscious
Clair: Does whatever t fucking wants

...

Clair: You won't dream about them
Clair: That doesn't change the fact that the subconscious toys with them
Clair: While you're asleep
Clair: Unable to restrain it
Clair: It changes you, pokes and prods at you, does what it wants.

[Image: shock.jpg]

I went and called up Midori right after reading this. She didn't seem too much worse for wear at the time, but when I checked her eyes, there were black pits again. As silly as it may sound, I almost shed some tears reading that and I went and mentally hugged her, apologizing some more. I guess I'm already pretty attached to Midori already, I don't want anything else bad to happen to her, so I'll make sure I'm good and not tired when I next time I have a session with her.

Thanks for the information, TOG and Clair, I really appreciate it.


RE: Sock's creation log - Avalanche - 06-05-2012

Sounds like some good work was done last night. My only problem would be that making Midori recite the alphabet or speak anything in a voice she doesn't have yet is parroting and discouraged. It basically gives you control over their voice and if you keep it up you will just end up controlling them when they are finished. You will end up with a servitor. It's alright to imagine what voice she will have, to to make her speak and not have her speak herself is bad for her.