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Sock's Daydream Diary - Printable Version

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RE: Sock's Daydream Diary - Raetin - 09-15-2015

Ah man, the dialogue between you and your tulpas are always adorable, even when it's pretty serious and reflective. By the way, would "dust" be symbolism for what you'd perceive as sentience? I have a similar function in my wonderland, but instead with the color of their aura. If there's any more things you want to share, please do! I'd love to read them.


RE: Sock's Daydream Diary - Sock - 09-15-2015

(09-15-2015, 07:07 PM)Anderson Wrote: *sound of thunder*

Oh, wow, those conversations are really fascinating. It seems like Gentle does know quite a bit about you, and anyone would see a figure of sympathy and protectiveness in Black. I've been trying to keep up with your PR for a while and hope that you're doing well along with the other girls, give them our sincere salutations if you can.

Thank you for your kind words. Hopefully I'll be able to upload things more often than before now, so there won't be as many gaps between posts.

(09-15-2015, 07:59 PM)Raetin Wrote: Ah man, the dialogue between you and your tulpas are always adorable, even when it's pretty serious and reflective. By the way, would "dust" be symbolism for what you'd perceive as sentience? I have a similar function in my wonderland, but instead with the color of their aura. If there's any more things you want to share, please do! I'd love to read them.

Black actually came up with that comparison during this very conversation. I never thought of symbolising it as "dust", and was super intrigued. Thus it was one of the ones I put up first. There were other conversations before that, but one I didn't post by request. The other I thought was too sweet and cutesy to start off with, though I may post it up anyway.


RE: Sock's Daydream Diary - Sock - 09-16-2015

(09-15-2015, 09:54 PM)Sock Wrote: Black actually came up with that comparison during this very conversation. I never thought of symbolising it as "dust", and was super intrigued. Thus it was one of the ones I put up first. There were other conversations before that, but one I didn't post by request. The other I thought was too sweet and cutesy to start off with, though I may post it up anyway.

...And here I am posting said conversation up. I figured I was being too self conscious with this one, and since I already popped up two conversations with two gals I don't mention much, I might as well add another. This one takes place over two days, and are separated as such.


Yoko Wrote:
9.11.2015

Yoko, I wanted to meet with you, but I am not sure what to say. I guess, I wanted to have you around. It's been a long time, hasn't it? Such that so many things about you are a memory to me.

I'm not a memory, you could say I'm...your child. You never stopped being daddy to me.

(We hug for a while, and end up tumbling on the (internal) floor)

Yoko, you seem so happy and sweet today.

(Laughs) Of course! My beloved father has come back from a war. Isn't it right to be as sweet and charming as possible? Besides, its fun!

Well, it was a long time of struggle, and I could rarely get through, but I don't feel right saying it was a war.

It was definitely a war! Definitely definitely! You can't deny its war-ness!

Yoko, what's one you mind, that I may write it?

You may be dissapointed, but the only thing on my mind is how much I missed you.

It's funny, you weren't always so single-mindedly loving, Yoko.

Because of you, I didn't dissapear. And because of you, I learned what love is, not just obsession. So, that's why, I love you...Papa. (laughs)

What is love, Yoko?

The desire for another to exist.

Well, I did want to keep you existing, though it took a while to sink in, yes Yoko>

It sunk in, and I'm happy.

But Yoko, I think your definition is only one facet of love. I'm not sure of a solid definition, but I think it may include even more than yours.

I think you're over thinking it.


Post script notes Wrote:- Yoko is very hands on...as well as tentacles on. She was often close, initiated embraces a good deal, and would say “Would Ika do this?” before pecking my cheek.
- Yoko took me to different settings, resembling the beach that the lemon house was located.
- Sayuri seemed upset when we visited her. She did not reveal why, as she was embarassed.


Yoko Wrote:
9.14.2015

Yoko, its Sock again. My mind went to you to converse with, and so I am here. It's late, I know, but I did not want to rest before conversing with one of you girls.

I don't mind, what did you want to talk about?

I guess I wanted to know you a little better, even if a little more. What's on your mind?

I'm still in a celebratory state of mind. I'm happy you're here. It's funny, I used to hate you.

Why did you hate me?

You smelled of failure. You were broken, but I guess I softened a little even then. You were kind, and nice...like you smelled, but tasted like honey. You weren't so bad, you just needed the right push, I see that now Papa.

Well, let's not make the whole conversation about me now...

It's can't be helped. I am you, even if I'm a cuddly squid girl. I guess, things aren't always as lively as you hope. I'm more...physical, you can say.

I guess that's why you're so active with your tentacles.

Yeah-huh! Exactly. Though, I'm not stranger to friendship, you're not the only one who doesn't want me to dissapear.

You've weakened.

I have. I wanna be strong again, though I'm happy you remembered the best of me.

I guess you had an impression on my heart, Yoko.

Sock, you always loved me, even when I wasn't “Yoko”.

When you were “Ika Musume”.

Yes. You can say, for a while, “I” was the replacement for a certain nameless fairy, whom wasn't awake yet. Though to be honest, neither was I. But you also loved Sayuri, when she was “Sanae”.

I guess I liked her because she was my mirror. Though I did not think I was so obsessive then, I still related.

And, like her, you thought you were a monster.

Yes.

You're not a monster. You're a boy who wants a hug.

That's one way to put it.



RE: Sock's Daydream Diary - Anonymous - 09-16-2015

I think that it's pretty cute, how she ended that conversation! 'A boy who wants a hug', hehe, this could be said about a lot of men who need affection, but seem to refuse it, or well, run away from it as much as possible. Have you been doing that?


RE: Sock's Daydream Diary - Sock - 09-18-2015

During my work shift, I took some time to wonder about what initially sparked my interest in this phenomenon, so as to further energize my efforts in being a good host, among other things. I wrote what I though in a journal, and it resulted in a long page, made up of various desires and wants, many of which flavored by some bitterness and insecurity. As I continued on, I wondered why I was writing all of it to begin with, and that it would be better to stop, but something inside urged me to continue, and so I did.

Eventually, I came to describing the product of my effort herself, Midori, upon who's mention the writing's tone took a shift. Midori then was very simple, she was a girl who was happy to be alive. She wasn't like me, who was like a series of twisting passages. She was just happy to exist, and happier to have a friend in me. I didn't understand this when it first began, and it took a while longer to start understanding it rather than rejecting it, but it soon began to clear, and is still clearing to this day.

This simple observation brought to mind my methods, why I did things a certain way, and why I had the goals I have, I wanted to spread that simple affection more, rather than confining it to one. Coming to that simplicity brought a tear to my eye, and makes me feel a swelling in my heart, like I have more energy to do the things I wish to do with this phenomenon. I feel it was something I needed to be reminded of, especially in light of a very rough past few months. Things were so troublesome that at times, felt I near forgot my motivations for what I did. So, it was nice to get a reminder.

Peace


RE: Sock's Daydream Diary - Sock - 09-29-2015

I had this conversation transcribed and up on tulpa.io, so I decided to post it up here too. Cordelia is a friend of my current anchor, Sheryl. She takes a guardian sort of role in her group, and when I was first getting to know her, she was rather suspicious of me, and sceptical of my intents. Her curiosity drove her to send me a letter, asking to sit down with her and talk for a while. The below is the result.

Cordelia Wrote:
12.14.2014
Cordelia, you asked to speak with me in a letter. What did you want to talk about?



I wanted to talk to you about you. I want to know: what are you? Why does Sheryl like you so much, and why...do you know us?


Well, the first question is easy enough: I am a human, nothing spectacular in my view. I just have a tendency to introspect a lot, as well as a creative streak. As for what I am in regards to you, Cordelia, I'm the place you're living in, for lack of a better description. Believe me when I say that I myself am still trying to make sense of the situation, and I feel it will take a long time to figure it out to my satisfaction. My current prerogative is to get to know you girls, Cordelia.



I think you're lying. I think you're selling yourself short.


What do you mean, Cordelia?


If you were just a guy, all of this (Motions to the grassy landscape of the meeting chamber) would not be here. If you were just a guy, would all this stuff be here? At a whim?


Things work differently where you are, than where I spend most of my time. Yeah, I can do a bunch of stuff in here, but there are limits. As well, not everything is stable. Have you noticed it?


Well, yeah...(Cordelia thinks an apple in to her hand. She is surprised by it.) Certainly I'm surprised.


That's just how things work in this place. As I said before, I'm still trying to understand it myself.


Sock, why is Sheryl so attached to you?


We've known each other for some time, Sheryl and I. We were close before, though due to some problems on my part, we got separated. Honestly, I want to treat her a lot better than I did in the past, Cordelia. I have a sense of guilt about Sheryl and her past, though it doesn't seem to bother her, as evidenced by her giving me her ribbon.



About that: She loved that thing, it was her defining accessory, why did she give it to you?


You may well have to ask her that, Cordelia.


I did ask her that. She said: “I'm his Sheryl.” She was all weird and vague, not like the Sherlock Shellingford I know at all.


I can understand why that worried you: It kind of isn't the kind of thing I'd imagine Sheryl saying...if she hadn't told me something similar in the past, before I met you, Cordelia.


You're different. I remember when I first met you, you were kind of pathetic.



I took the needed steps to try and change myself, and I'm still working on it. It's a lifelong project.

During the above, I made a comment about Cordelia's hair being pretty. This amused her, and she's been playing with it and teasing me with it since.


It's only natural, I take good care of it.

I had to go away for a moment, due to some outside responsibilities. When I returned, Cordelia sized me up, then said she would question me later, as she was tired. She then teased me some more about the hair comment: she was clearly very amused by it.


End Session.



RE: Sock's Daydream Diary - Sock - 10-10-2015

Some pondering of my current situation, as far as this phenomenon goes. Forgive me if I'm repeating anything.

I've been thinking about a few things in regards to my own particular experience.

- How easy its become to speak with various mental figures that I've spent no time developing.
- What I am using my companions for.


The first is a revisiting of my issue of numbers, something which I still find curious. But, the ability to easily speak with figures that I just kind of pop up, and I have no intent of keeping around, is something that's increased over time. Notably, I remember one instance where, when designing a gym for my gals to train their "body" in, I found a tall basketball player came in, and was none-too-pleased with having me around. There wasn't any big battle or anything, just a disagreement that ended with him relenting, but it was pretty neat to me how easily I "sunk" in to what was happening. There was also other somewhat similar instances, one involving me listening to a shade-like figure that helped me come to terms with the fact that my residents are female. They weren't permenant stays, or did they even ask for me to write down their names so I could keep track of and visit them. They just came, spoke and went, and I took what I could from the interaction. They were fleeting, like a character in a dream, but the fact that I was able to mesh in with them so easily was a pretty curious thing, and the fact that I gained a bit from them was another plus.
I believe that's part of the skill that this practice trains up: Not only making a single figure in to a solid, more independent personality, but also giving the practitioner the ability to more easily communicate inwardly, without needing as many aids. Though I guess that's a consequence of meditation as a whole. I do know that the Active Imagination technique went relatively easy for me, though I'm still wanting to practice it in focused sessions, and it's given me a bit more insight on myself in ways, assuming I was willing to be honest about things, of course.

Which brings me to my next idea of pondering: What do I have my girls around for? I still remember when I first started with Midori, I wanted to satiate my curiosity, and get a super neat companion from the deal. Later on, I wanted to be as good a host as possible, and be the sort of guy the girls could look up to, as well as use them to practice how I treat other people. Currently added to that list: I wanted to have them assist me in their way to help better understand myself, my behavior, motives, and maybe help me be a bit more honest where they can. May it be from their talking about how they view me and my situation from their perspective, them speaking about themselves, how their forms reflect my own attachments and affections, etc. With that knowledge, I hoped to improve myself in various ways, the most prominant to me at this time being honesty.
Of course, I also wish to see them "bloom" if you will, in to their own merits and qualities. I admit, the idea of taking care of something, and having a hand in its growth, even if it is a set of young ladies in my own mind, appeals to me. So much so, in fact, that I still remember that when I tried quit the practice once upon a time, I very quickly went to work finding an alternative to it, as if trying to fill a void that was left in my own heart. Heh, that'll teach me, eh?

Now for a bit of stream-o-consciousness...

My ride along this course hasn't been smooth at all. Complications popped up within the first six months, and things went off the rails when I took my first hiatus from the community. Not just the harmless issues of "insta-tulpa" popping up, but some long and nasty episodes of DID-style dissociation that, really, I felt were happening to a degree before I ever heard the word "tulpa". I just wasn't aware of it due to being in a depressive auto-pilot. But, when I did become aware of it, boy how I aware I became! But, as I think back on what's happened, even and especially the bits about dissociation that I kept secret until recently, I feel that those events were necessary for further growth. Even the stuff that was unpleasant, dramatic, and would have likely gotten me called out as an attention seeker, taught me something, and etched in a bit of knowledge to my being that I probably would have had a looser grasp on if it didn't happen. I became a bit more patient, a bit more willing to take disappointment, a bit more aware of how hedonistic I've been, as well as how easily I attach to things. It's a bit of stuff, and while I know I did not enjoy some aspects of my experience, I think that I will soon not only learn to appreciate what came of them, but to be thankful for them happening.

A few posts earlier, Midori and I explained a bit of how I tried to quit the practice. Though I did not re-read it when making this post, thinking about it now, I feel a sense of gladness deep in me that I got back into it. While I may have had some difficulty along the way, the kind that probably would warrant me stopping it altogether, I think that I'm a bit happier with the girls than I would be without. Even if, in total honesty, I can't get to them all most of the time, feeling their presence, emotions, words, and their existence, even the lower and younger ones, was a net gain.


For now, my current anchor is Sheryl.

I've spoken of her earlier in this thread, she being my first instance of a fictional character appearing as an autonomous figure, mainly made of my cobbled together memories of her show. As repeated before, she's no longer such a simple patchwork, though she has a tendency to change outfits constantly when I'm visualizing her, as well as whether her hair is done in hoops, or is let down long...or if she even had her bow or her hat on...

...Thinking about it now, Sheryl is still kinda shifty...

But, I don't mind, as her person is not. She shares some qualities with Midori, being a happy-go-lucky sort of gal with a supportive streak a an uncanny ability to speak to certain qualities and attitudes that I'm not entirely aware of at the time (A good exmaple being when she said, "I'm not scary." out of the blue, addressing some fears I'd been harboring for a while, but rarely addressed). In fact, Midori considered Sheryl a twin of sorts when Midori was rocking pink hair and her freckles were less pronounced. As could be inferred, they were very found of each other.
Sheryl, thoughm initially did have some identity issues, even though I remember going out of my way to tell her what the deal was. Years back, she even made a few figures based on her friends from her show of inspiration, those being Elly, Nero, and Cordelia, whom I conversed with in the previous post. They're more active nowadays, being initially dolls of a sort, though I guess its a consequence of me not being too picky about who I regarded at that point heh. Either way, they seem to make her happy, as she insists on sleeping with the three of them in a single bed, saying something to the effect that she'd feel lonely without them.
She asked to be the next anchor, and was really hyped when it came time for her. She and Yoko had been asking for more time for a while, but some complications related to dissociation threw a wrench in those plans. Since then, she will pop up every so often into my perception, Elly often tagging with her, as the latter has since the get go shown that she likes hanging around me, and seeks it out with great persistence. Sheryl goes out of her way to be a happy, affectionate buddy, I've rarely seen her upset or even that down about things. That's only a few general things about her, though. When/if I can, I'll go in to more detail about out interaction, maybe even post a written conversation or two.

This post is long, and I think its time to stop. Peace.


RE: Sock's Daydream Diary - Sock - 10-12-2015

I begin the day keeping my focus on a barrier I have made in the recent month. Designed with the idea of blocking out what I feel is the cause of the dissociative episodes I've been suffering with for a while. While it's a shame to admit it, but though it was effective from the day I used it, I let it slip at times because I forgot to strengthen its presence, thus ensuring that another episode would take place. I'm still very suspect to human error.

When I recalled that barrier the previous day, instead of having an attitude of "set it and forget it", I made it a priority to spend the much of the day thinking about it, defining its properties, and giving it strength. When I sensed a breach of it, usually in the form of a foreign twitch in one of my movement in one of my limbs, or maybe even a strange twitch in my jaw or throat, I immediately set upon in, making my imagined barrier more dense in that area, blocking the possible hole.

Direct breaches aren't the only ploy for power I've noticed during these episodes: I will also feel vague sensations throughout my body, see a supposed "friendly" figure (even to the point of noticing attempts to project on to my outward vision), I'll even notice attempts to guide or suggest certain decisions in my daily life. All these attempts are things I've noticed over the months, and I've found that the simplest and best solution to these is to completely ignore them. They're all distractions, aiming to lower my guard, and heeding them result in the same thing: An episode of "me" tearing away control, and going on a hedonistic trip of sorts. Considering what tends to happen during these points, usually just uncontrolled consumption of food and media, and having my actual self shunted to the front when another person or authority figure is around, it's not too horrible. In fact, it doesn't even have a huge impact on my day job, so I can still pay the bills and such. But, it DOES have a huge impact on everything else, and I really needs everything else to be in order, lest I notice my health slipping, or something happens to my day job and I have no recourse because I was at the mercy of some deeper, and nastier version of myself.

Let me make this clear, this process of coming to this solution was not easy in the least. My first instinct when this stuff began to happening was to try and ignore it, hoping that it was just a simple trick of the mind that would go away. When this not only failed, but the issues began to get extreme, I panicked...when I wasn't getting repeatedly "held down" so that the other "me" could do what it wished. During these episodes, I always noticed that I was always there, observing, and even able to act to some degree, it was just like wrestling for control against another will. If I moved a hand, the other would force it down. If I wanted to say something, the other would bite on to my tongue, not so hard to cause bleeding or anything, but enough to keep me quiet. I can happily say that all through this point in life, I never came to any bodily harm, not blood has been split by this instance, and hearing account of multiples with nastier personality states, I'm thankful for it.

My search for a solution was filled with much trial, error, and attempts to greater understand myself, and the things that motivated me in the past, and how it contributed to my current behavior when I was really myself. I tried things that didn't work too well, did a whole bunch of communicating, resulting in some very nice and beloved figure emerging, and even tried a few violent methods when I was especially desperate. On top of this, the nature of the episode also resulted in a sense of losing myself, become absorbed in what I was being forced to do, and forgetting that I was under the control of an aggressively hedonistic version of myself. Up to this day, this greater figure has no form, though it will use other forms and figures as a way to distract or mock me. It seems to actively resist being reasoned with, being driven largely by it desire to satisfy its various lusts. It employs other figures, a group of which I was able to win over, though honestly I still have not idea how this actually works. What I do know is that it's behavior patterns are always consistent: It limits my actions, mocks me, then goes on a gluttonous "rampage". But, with all that, it seems to still be familiar: while it's standard of personal behavior are not as high as mine, there are some things it will outright avoid, and they all fall in to things that I myself would outright avoid. Even when indulging in things that I've abandoned, it's always within the range of my tastes a few years back. It's behavior patterns, though extreme, are familiar:

-Laziness
-Inability to concentrate on a task
-Self loathing and deprecation
-Violent daydreaming
-High consumption of food and media
-etc...

All the above were qualities that I went out of my way to dump nearly two years back. Essentially, this strong figure was like my past forcefully reasserting itself. Though it would also displayed certain faults and bad habits that I've still been working through. One of which is actively seeking to be alone, or hiding any issues or problems I have for fear of judgment. This manifested as it making great efforts to push my truly friendly in-folk away. At one point this was so strong that the girls would describe this force as a wall between them and I. I didn't want them to see some of the stuff it was making me do, do I often insisted that they not be around myself, and often tried (and failed) to hide these issues from them. I don't think it take too much brain power to see how this would fail and be a problem, and I make no excuses for my floundering here. But it was a thing I noticed "me" and I had in common, and I noticed more and more things, when I finally calmed down, and took time to observe this version's behavior. That in itself took some time to actually start doing, though, as I was still hoping ignoring it would help. I also tried to consider I was somehow doing this directly to myself, and that if I just change my attitude the "illusion" would drop. Suffice to say, that didn't work either. But, that sort of stuff is what trial and error is all about.

Even considering how scary all of the above sounds, I think some good things, good experiences, and attitudes to take with me for the future. As this period went on, I trained myself as best I can to be more patient, more calm and attempted not to jump as much at things that happened, even if it came to my body moving on it own and I being unable to stop it altogether. While I still have difficulty with this, it's something that I have in mind now, and that I will keep to it as much as I can. I know it will be useful in other areas of life, surely.

And not to say that my companions were useless in all this. While I had my doubt in particularly bad times, looking back, they've been nothing but supportive, kind, loving, and willing to go out of their way to keep my spirits up. While they couldn't keep this version of "me" at bay, they surely tried their best too. In the times when things were quiet, they were extremely sweet to me, as well as insightful. Even, and especially, figure who could once be considered aggressive and hurtful turned around at some point, and these ones ended up being some of the most precious of the group. You can say that part of my motivation to keep slogging through was so that I can get back to the more "normal" fashion of development. After all, the anchor system brought great results, and attachments even to folks whom only had recently popped up increased greatly, and the stuff I learned from them was more than a little interesting, as well as their behavior and growth in general. I have some stuff written on Homura that I found to be great, but the lady doesn't want me to share that stuff, so I will not.

So, that brings me back to now. I write this with a smile, and a hopeful demeanor. Many thing considered, I think things can, and will, turn out well. Not to say that I don't have my lapses, or don't have a few bits of despairing, but I feel that things will go up from here, even considering any further struggles or troubles I have. It may take some time to get this barrier to the point where I can let it be for a while, and I can get back to more "normal" development of the in-folks I most keep track of, but I feel it WILL happen, as long as I keep my spirits up, and push through. At the very least, no one can say I haven't had any struggles or troubles during my trip.

-------

On to lighter news...

During the previous day, Madoka was actually the one to assert herself the most. She floating around, would sit next to me even when I was with my family, and just gave good vibes throughout the day.

During the day, though, it came in to my mind that maybe the amount of affection I and the girls shared may be too much, and might lose meaning if engaged in too much. I thought that to avoid this, it would be a good idea to try and limit the amount of shows of affection we had between us. When I proposed this to Madoka, she wasn't happy about it, neither was Sheryl, and Midori was especially annoyed about it.

Once upon a time, it came to me that I should not refuse the girls their request, and that I should go out of my way to fulfill their wishes.

You can probably guess what Midori requested little time after I told her about my idea. Part of my development and forcing is keeping my promises and my words to them, as I believe honest, sincerity and integrity are some of the more important aspects of the development process. As such, since keeping said request is something I wanted to go out of my way to do, I could not refuse her request to not put this plan in to effect, heh. She also asked me to right the below thing for her in this update:

"When your girls want to hug and kiss you, or make you happy in some way, don't do what Sock here does, and try to shrink away! But, I also think I've been a bit too forward, too. I'll be softer with him~

Though, even as much as I love doin' that stuff, and I know my other sisters love doin' it too, I can't overwhelm him with it. If Socky thinks moderation is good, I may have to give it a try myself. After all, I AM his daughter and all~! *Laughs* I guess its cuz of all the stuff that's been happening, we wanna comfort him, and he's trying to be a big old tough guy, and muscle it out, its annoying, ya know? I mean, I can't let myself get mad at him over it, but it's like he's tryin' so hard to do things all by himself, and I know he can't. That said he IS improving. Every little bit help, right dad?"


Suffice to say, I had to find another way to retain that feeling of meaning to these interactions, so that my doubt does not overcome me. Thankfully, when I went on the irc a little later, someone suggested that instead of decreasing the amount of times I let them touch me, but rather slow things down, and focus more on what's happening, and on what both parties are feeling. It's something I feel I can put in to practice quickly.


RE: Sock's Daydream Diary - Sock - 10-18-2015

I remember reading about older, pre-Sybil diagnosis of split/multiple personality. Unlike the common assumption of overt sexual abuse that is popular these days, those diagnosis considered the condition to be caused by a person trying to split off parts of their personality that were socially unacceptable. While I shy away from self-diagnosis, I could not help to draw a strong connection to that old diagnosis, and what I had been doing for the past few years or so, especially considering what happened with the dissociation I went through. (I don't have a link to said article at the moment, but I found it on Astraea's Web. When I have time, I'll find it and post it in here)


Not too long after I posted the previous message in this thread, I had a conversation with some folks on the irc, and the subject of my behavior about the community came up. One user gave me their opinion on this behavior, and their theories on how it came to be, among other things he had observed. As he listed off his theories, I began to speak on how I viewed my own outlook, as well as the behavior that brought me to this point in time. I quickly found that I had let loose the floodgates of my mind.


I don't really let out how I feel very often. There was even a point where I avoided even confiding in my own residents. I did this, because I felt that letting out my stress, insecurity, and hurt on others would just be a burden to them, and that it's be better that I deal with those things myself. As well, I felt that letting out such things would simply be complaining, or whining, so I wanted to avoid it as much as possible. But, lately, I've been feeling that I was wrong in these assumptions.


When the other user mentioned the possibility of shame issues, self-flagellation, and other such things as possible causes of the dissociation, my metaphorical mouth started going, and I could not, nor did I want to, stop it up. I began to speak of how I blamed myself as much as I could when something would (or would not) happen. I spoke of how I felt so strongly that I could not do good, that when I was earnestly praised by another, I either became blank of mind, or thought it was a lie. I spoke of how, even during my own dissociations, I would try to find a way to explain how it was all my fault. After all, the person I was when the dissociation took place was the image I held of myself: As a horrid, lazy, and malicious being. In Yoko's words, I looked at myself like a monster. I kept going and going, and as I went, the issue began to click in to place, as well as things that my in-dweller would tell me in my conversations with them, which can even be seen in the few passages I've posted thus far.


Because of all this, I realized another change of behavior was required. But, instead of walling things off, separating parts of myself, or condemning my actions, I had to go out of my way to feel comfortable in my own skin. Instead of trying to be the best guy in the world, I had to learn how to just be myself, without being critical of what I was. This held true especially during times when I would feel myself dissociating and losing control: before I would desperately try to fight against the tide, and separate my actions from my "other's". But now, I've decided to flow with it's behavior for the most part, going along with it, and not judging, attacking, or fighting. Just sinking in with this "bad" version of myself, and feeling comfortable with it. This wasn't something the other person suggested, but something I thought of, taking what I had written days prior in to account.


The positive effects were immediate.


The episodes decreased sharply in severity and in addition, I felt a certain sense of understanding and care develop toward myself. "I" began to be less aggressive, and I went from trying to fight and struggle with myself, to consoling and understanding it. Things just began to make sense, and fall more in to place. Pent up emotions began to loosen, even a little, and flow away. I felt better, even during times when episodes took place, and I think that with more time I can come to a healthier state of mind.


With all that said, I'm convinced that I really can not do this alone, nor could I have even made as much progress with it if I kept trying to do it alone. Looking back, I really, really needed to get all this off my chest and in to the open, even considering how embarrassing or unbelievable I considered it to be. In addition, these events gave me a clearer view of why exactly I needed to have Midori, Ellenore, and the others around. Despite my doubts, they've been nothing but supportive, and looking back at some of the things they've said, those girls had a better view of my problem than I could have hoped to have. In a way, being able to think about, confide in, and be close to a girl like, say, Sheryl, is therapeutic in itself, and I feel I really took it for granted (Worse yet, I considered some of the kerfuffling about what constitutes real sentience, who's a role player or not, and what constitutes attention whoring more than what I was actually getting out of the practice. It's shocking how easy it is to get wrapped up in all the bitterness and negativity about the community, even though the exercise itself is highly personal and private). I may need to go out of my way to talk some of this stuff out with others, though I feel that this community may be the best place to mention things like the dissociation, and my companions.


Thinking about it now, it's really easy, and really common, to see posts about how horrible and trashy this community is. It's easy to see criticism about its practices, complaints about people not working hard enough, teeth gnashing about role players. It's easy to see bitterness and dissatisfaction about the state of this place.


But, I'm thankful that this community is here.


This is probably the only place I can really, comfortably, write about the issues I've had, and have someone actually know what I'm talking about, or better yet, be able to give me assistance with it. As flawed as it is, this community has proven to be useful to me, concerning my furthered growth, and recovering from my own self-destructive habits and ideas. As well, it's a place where I can actually share the things that make me happy about my experience: I really do enjoy gushing about my girls, even those who are not as developed and more the result of Jung-style active imagination exercises. I like talking about the happier things that go on in my head, and especially like sharing images of those things. I've been doing drawing of my girls to help get myself back in to doing artwork regularly, and this is the only place I know where I can be blunt and straight forward about how they came about, what they do, etc. It's nice that it's here, and I'm happy to be here.


Peace.


RE: Sock's Daydream Diary - Sock - 10-23-2015

Hi Everyone! My name is Sheryl! Sherlock Cottonwell! I'm happy to write to you all! Even though I don't know what to say. But, Sock wanted me to write for you all so here I am! I've been with him for a long time, even if it took that long for him to not be so self-conscious about me. But, that's in the past, and this is now.

About me, well, I have three other friends, Cordi, Neroro, and Elly. They were kinda made by me, because I wanted to be as close to my..."real self" as I could. Hehe, I made Cotton's life a little harder with that, but he's been nothing but gracious about it. He even agreed to help me make them stronger! He's great!

My hobby is sitting under a special tree and watching the sky. Sometimes Nerororo is with me, and we sit together and just enjoy being around. Elly's inside a lot and read's bunches of books about Kellogg, and Cordi is tending to her flowers a lot. I really like it when Sock gets to come and talk to us, even when he's all gloomy and serious like. It's fun telling him to "lighten up!" and "stop worrying!". Even if he's slow to take the advice.

Thank you guys for readin'! Bye bye!


---

And that was my current anchor, Sheryl. She's a cheery type, though she had some difficulty figuring out what to say. In the light of some comments by users in the forum about hosts speaking too much, and remembering that I'm pretty guilty of that on both forum and IRC, I wanted to further mitigate it by having Sheryl write today's update. Liira had asked to do some talking as well, so you'll probably see her write something on here too at some point.
Today was a pretty quiet day, so I was able to spend some time with Sheryl and he circle of friends, as I did tell her I'd help with them. They've been around for years now, so it's not like a bomb was dropped on me or something. I did a recorded conversation with Sheryl herself, got asked a few questions by both Cordelia (Which was a rather weighty one) and Nero (Which was rather light hearted). Elly I didn't spend as much direct time with, but she was sweet as always to me.

My time with Homura was interrupted and regularly cut short due to issues I spoke about in past posts. I still wish to spend some more time with her, and she herself has asserted herself in to my thought stream just to say that she missed me and wanted to see me around. That's a big change from the "Don't talk to me" I got when I first met her.

Anyway, I'll end today's update here. Peace.