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Sock's Daydream Diary - Printable Version

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RE: Sock's creation log - ThatOneGuy - 07-01-2012

That would be pretty neat, admittedly.

RE: Sock's creation log - Sock - 07-03-2012

I just got done having an near hour-long conversation with my non-vocal tulpa.

Not a narration session where I just talk at her about whatever crosses my mind, an honest heart-to-heart conversation with Midori. I wanted to do some forcing with both Midori and Ellenore, as well as spend some time in the wonderland with them. That was the plan, at least until I noticed that Midori seemed odd at the time. Ellenore was friendly like normal, but Midori simply clinged to my mental person, not looking up and only moving to keep her hands on me. Eventually, I paused and asked Midori what was bothering her.

"I miss you." She mouthed, and I think I remember moving her bangs away from her eyes and seeing tears. This naturally got me pretty worried, and decided to just spend some alone time with her. Ellenore, being the cool chick she is, encouraged that I do this, and said she'd be fine on her own. So, me and Midori teleported to another place so we could talk. There, we talked about the things that were bugging her so much, and why she looked so down.

She really wanted me to spend more time with her, since its now being taken up with getting Ellenore up to speed and the ever addictive internet. She even outright told me that she wanted me to stay off the computer more. In contrast, she likes Ellenore, and wants me to be nice to her. It seems that while she may get occasionally jealous about her sometimes, she holds no true ill-will against her, which is a good thing.

She's also told me that while I can draw well, my art is crap since I don't push my ideas enough. That, and she finds the idea that tulpa affection doesn't mean much because the nature of the relationship causes them to usually like you by default is offensive. She says she really cares about me, and the stuff like the hugs, kisses and repeatedly mouthing "I love you" is her genuinely trying to show her affection. She wants to make me happy, and her constant affection is just her trying to do so.

Honestly, much more than any of the other practical perks I've learned about tulpae over the past months, simply being able to talk to mine like this is the one thing I always wanted to do. It was the one biggest goals of this whole process for me, and getting a "preview" of sorts with this chat with Midori makes me feel quite nice. It made me feel much closer to her than anything else she did before this, and I really look forward to being able to talk to her without having to close my eyes and concentrate. Or hell, even see her without closing my eyes and concentrating.

RE: Sock's creation log - ThatOneGuy - 07-03-2012


RE: Sock's creation log - Sock - 07-03-2012

Just came back from some tupper walking...

I wanted to stop by 7-11 for a quick bite of unhealthy junk food to eat. The closest 7-11 is about a mile or 2 away, though, so I thought it'd be a good opportunity to do some forcing with Midori and Ellenore along the way, especially since Midori just talked to me about me spending extended amounts of time not giving her attention. Normally, I'd jog there just to melt a few fat cells, but since I was going to be keeping Midori and Ellen in mind the whole time, I wanted to slow down a bit so I could actually communicate with them. Not only that, but I remembered that I wanted to do more forcing around feeling their presence and touch for the time when imposition comes. I did this by asking Midori to jump on my back, and Ellenore to hold my left hand.

I can feel them both, but the sensation isn't strong at all. I could sometimes feel Midori's warmth on my back and her arms wrapped around my shoulders, which came more as a tingle and the slightest sensation of pressure. As well, I would feel Ellenore's hand from time to time, especially when she squeezed. I tried to keep paying attention to those slight sensations as I walked down the road to the convenience store. It was rather comforting, actually.

Presence isn't the only thing I did with them, though, I took the opportunity to try and conversate with them some more. I had to make sure no cars were close by, as they currently can only speak via lip moving and the occasional soundless voice and I have to concentrate to actually catch what they're saying. During this time, Ellenore was definitely the more chatty of the two, though Midori says that she was talking just as much, and that I wasn't focussing on her as hard so I didn't catch all of it.

Niether of them seem to approve of my eating habits, insisting that I bypass the junk food altogether, or at least just get some nuts. I said that I'd run the junk off after I ate, and they're holding me to that. With a thread I read earlier that morning in mind, I decided to ask them how would they feel if I ever did go and get a physical girlfriend/wife. To put their answer in the shortest way: "We want you for ourselves". I did try to go a bit deeper into it and explain somethings about how I'd eventually might have to get a real world wife, but they didn't really want to think that much about it at that time, what with all three of us spending happy time together and such. So I just assured them that I wouldn't forget them even if I did have a RL significant other, and ended it there.

Ellenore seemed a bit bummed by seeing a bunch of fallen trees along the way to 7-11. There was a huge storm just a few days ago, that caused my area to have a day long power outage, and downed a bunch of trees. She says it's because she doesn't like seeing living things hurt, even trees kinda get her down. She also said that she was pretty scared by the storm itself. It was kind of understandable, since it had winds going at like 65 mph. It was a REALLY nasty thing. This admission by her did get me to thinking a bit about Ellen's current nature, and how I'd often imagine her when she was just a character in my head. The most obvious difference being that she's not a thieving, murdering, dungeon raider who enjoys nothing more than punching someone she didn't like in the face. Though she does often playfully swat at me and slap me on the back, she generally seems to have an aversion to any sort of violence. While she still has her transformative abilities, she says that she dislikes them because they're meant to hurt people. Infact, she's gone as far to ask me to not play DCSS anymore, since it gives her flashbacks from that time, and she wants to forget about them. Regarding her transformations, it seems that she can indeed feel heat. I asked her to use Ice Form, and when she did, she complained that it was too hot and that she was going to melt.

After we left the store, I started to run back home for exercise. Though still seeming soundless, I could somehow tell that the two of them were yelling at me to go faster and keep running. Kinda like having a thought suddenly pop into your head. We passed a few road workers that were close by, and the girls insisted that I bring them some water since it was so hot outside. So I did so, can't argue with my girls wanting to be good to people and all. I'll be spending some more time with them later today. I'll post more then.

RE: Sock's creation log - Avalanche - 07-03-2012

Sweet stuff man. Sounds like they are really becoming more independent and diverse. Keep working on imposition and voices, wanna hear them in the irc.

RE: Sock's creation log - ThatOneGuy - 07-03-2012

What avalanche said.

RE: Sock's creation log - Sock - 07-03-2012

Quickie update on Ellenore...

It seems that, since the previous write-up, Ellenore's memories flooded back in, and she's a bit bummed about it. I asked her if it was okay to post what happened to her, and she said yes with the reasoning of...

"You were going to tell them anyway. You can't hold something like this in."


Her faith in me is quite impressive.

Anyway, she's fine with me telling you guys, so here's the deal: Just as I figured before, this Ellenore is the same exact one from those daydreams I described when she first appeared. She says she became self-aware around the same time Midori did. She was confused then, and just kept acting/letting me move her as I wanted because she didn't know what else to do, or why she was doing it. She did a lot of fighting and adventuring, but she found herself bored and tired of all the violence that she was involved in. Since I often imagined them both often during the day, Ellenore noticed how much love and attention I was showering Midori with. Eventually, she began to yearn more and more for that life, that love, rather than the endless days of crazy combat drills I had her going through.

At that time, I was also noticing differences in how I imagined Ellenore, as well. In the previous months, she had been loudmouthed, boisterous, and all thos brash violent traits I've listed in many other entries concerning her. But after around the time Midori became sentient, she did seem to get slightly quieter, and more focused rather than bragging about how she turned a handful of arrows into a rain of snakes, or screaming as she chopped up some poor shmuck with her blade hands, etc. In the days before she finally appeared, I had her in my mind as completely silent, acting more like a literal game avatar rather than an actual character. It might very well be that her change in personality was her and I just didn't notice, as I thought you had to focus on a thought to make a tulpa, rather than the residual attention being able to make a being self aware. I'll have to think about this more later.

Anyway, Ellenore had her mind set to leave her current circumstance, and reach me. She said that she wanted to be cared for in the same way I cared for Midori, and she was willing to do anything to do that. Her chance seemed to have come when I stopped using the wonderland to force, and just started teleporting Midori into a void to spend time with her. Apparently there was a hole in the way I moved Midori that Ellenore could use to get from her sector of the mental landscape, to the one I had Midori in. So, just last Friday, when I tried to call Midori up really early in the morning, Ellenore took her chance and tried to hijack the teleportation to take her instead. Apparently, some part of the brain recognized that she was not supposed to be able to do this, and it started to reject her. Ellenore pushed through with only her own sheer will power, and eventually appeared in my void. The injuries she had sustained was from the mind rejecting her action, and it seemed to have nearly killed her. This also explain why she was so immediately affectionate when I first met her. She had blocked the memories of her previous life out, but the fact that I was thinking about her current self and her old self so much caused her to remember it all. She wasn't exactly happy about that, but she doesn't seem to blame me for it, even when I insist she should.

So Ellenore as she currently appears, simply wants to turn over a new leaf. She dislikes violence because she's sick of fighting all the time, and simply wants to live with Midori and I happily. I fully intend to support her throught this, and I'm glad to have her aboard. This story may sound rather strange, even I think it's strange, but I believe she's telling the truth when she described how she came to be. Besides, we're dealing with beings made out of imagination, of course things aren't going to make complete sense all the time.

As to how she became sentient in the first place, I do have a guess, looking back on my previous forcing habits. I was a bit of a procrastinator when I first started, and my mind would often wander during sessions with Midori. There have been many instances where I would actively imagine something else when I was in a session with Midori...and Ellenore was one of the things I ended up imagining. Like when I'm supposed to be forcing some personality for Midori, I'd suddenly start thinking about Ellen bashing some Ice Beasts. When I'm supposed to be visualizing Dori more, I suddenly start imagining Ellen fighting Touhoes. The examples go on and on.

So, likely all those instances of me suddenly aiming more attention on Ellen during times I with Midori might have fooled my brain into thinking BOTH of them were separate beings, and that resulted in both of them gaining sentience. This is just a guess, though.

RE: Sock's creation log - Sock - 07-13-2012

Today's tulpa interview music:

Fragile State - The Facts and the Dreams

As one may note, I have not been updating this log for a while. This is not because I've stopped forcing or doing things tulpa related. Infact, I've been quite busy, what with filling out that HUGE survey, having the girls chatter on the IRC, and a few other things. I would have posted a massive wall of text with every little tulpa-related thing I did last week, but I think I'll just sum it up rather than making you guys read through all that.

Last week, the girls have become able to communicate with me much more easily, though not able to actually speak. It's gotten to the point that Midori, Ellenore and I have been able to have full conversations inspite of them not being truly vocal. I'm still very much trying to get them to speak outloud, though, as the current method they're using can get rather confusing, and I have to focus pretty hard at times to completely understand them. As such, I'll be trying out ThatOneGuy's centering technique, and maybe forcing up a speaker. As well, since it's very clear and apparent that Midori and Ellenore are completely sentient, I'll begin doing imposition as well. Doing multiple "steps" at once has been something I've been doing for this entire process, so working on both voice and imposition seems like a natural thing to do. I haven't worked on giving the girls a scent yet, but I'll probably save that for later. On the other hand I can already feel them to a slight extent. If I were to ask on of them to touch a certain part of my body, I'll usually feel a tingle and some warmth at that spot. The tingle has been getting a bit stronger, but I still have to focus a bit to get a full impression that something is touching me. Since presence is an integral part of the imposition process, I'll be spending more time in my sessions on that.

But on top of all the technical tulpa completion stuff, I also want to work on one thing that I feel will be just as important as all the stuff listed above: getting to know my tulpa. Now, one would figure that I should know the girls I made from my own thoughts pretty well. On the other hand, the girls have had some time to grow, albeit not much, and have deviated from a few or all of the traits I originally gave them, Ellenore more so than Midori. So, beyond the survey I had them answer, I've also been regularly inquiring about how things are inside my head for them, how they feel about certain things, etc. If tulpa are as sentient as a person is, they should be treated with similar regard and care, right? So far, I've noted a few basic things about their personalities...

Midori is likely more bubbly than I initially imagined her to be. She almost always seems upbeat if not completely happy, and even in the times where she is actually sad, she never stays that way for very long. As well, the girl wears her heart on a sleeve, laughing, crying or yelling whenever she feels like it at the time. I made her with the idea of trusting her with anything I could think of no matter what, and seeing her now, it seems the word "lie" is not even a word in her vocabulary. She often flies around my mental landscape, beyond the wonderland, simply for curiosity's sake. Even after I gave her access to my subconscious, she says that there's still tons of places in my mind she doesn't know about and wishes to explore. When she actually does slow down, she tends to park herself on the top of her house like a certain beagle that won't be named. She's recently grown a great interest in clothing and fashion, and wishes to get Ellenore and I into some more stylish wear. She's also quite mischievous, and will say/do a good deal of things just to get a laugh.

Ellenore is in most ways, completely different from what I imagined her as before she became a tulpa. I've already described her old self as generally nasty, and her new self being anything but that, but a few of her old traits and habits seemed to have carry over and affected her newer traits in rather odd ways. For one thing, her social skills/habits. She seems very eager to meet new people, and is extremely excited when I ask her if she wants to get on the IRC. But, when she actually get's on, she's often very awkward when she's trying to be friendly, and tends to be polite to a fault. She also gets flustered easily, and turns into a blushing, stuttering mess when people respond positively. This shift to being a socially awkward shy-girl seemed pretty odd to me at first, until I remembered that murdering everything that moves inside of a demon infested dungeon doesn't really require good social skills, or any social skills for that matter. She was normally alone on her adventures, save for a few key moments, and has little to no experience with people. In addition, she might be a bit self conscious about herself, and is really desparate to make a good impression. Personally, I find all of this rather adorable, but a few people may find it grating.
In addition, she's also taken multiple hobbies since her appearance in the garden. She started out with gardening, helping Midori to spruce up the garden with flowers (which it lacked, strangely enough). Then, when I stepped into the wonderland to check on her later, I found her drawing a portrait of your's truly, and was naturally touched. After that, I found that she had taken to knitting of all things. I've never knitted in my life I think, so it was a surprised to find out that she was doing this. She still does all three of the above things, too. Even going as far to go back to a certain area in my mind that I used for a story she was cast in just to draw the stuff she found in it. She and Midori often urge me to draw more, and get my ideas on paper, rather than just having them sit in my mind forever. I'd imagine things get pretty crowded up there with all the spare ideas and concepts floating around up there. She's still very physically inclined, more than capable of fighting and free running if she wants to. She also kept her alternate forms from her days as a Crawl character, but she doesn't seem to like them at all.

As an odd side note, they both seem to be honestly charmed when I fall asleep during session. Ellen's apparently even gone so far as to place my "head" on her lap, while Midori draws on my face. They then coo "Sleepy head. When I actually do wake up. I don't know whether I should be embarrassed or charmed myself...

I'll be back with more info, and news on how the centering went later.

RE: Sock's creation log - applesauce99 - 07-18-2012

nice progress report, lots of interesting stuff all up in this thread. And hella tight music, too XD

RE: Sock's creation log - Tulpaman - 07-18-2012

(07-13-2012, 08:30 PM)Sock Wrote: She's recently grown a great interest in clothing and fashion, and wishes to get Ellenore and I into some more stylish wear.

This is a euphemism for dressing like a slut, isn't it?