Seebaru

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  1. Day 53 --- Day 60 We didn't do any particular progress this week. I guessed that, since we were all alone here, we would be able to do lots of things, but I started procrastinating again and Cielo didn't develop much. He is still very understanding - he does scold me, but he doesn't hold any grudges for my laziness and just gives me suggestions about getting some work done. Anyway, here's the news! - Cielo would rather spend time with me indoors and talk to me in those moments than going outside. I assumed he was eager to see more of the world, but I guess he isn't very interested in sightseeing, even in Italy. - He doesn't talk much, but now he can communicate with pretty long sentences without any issues, and manages to let me get the message most of the times. I still get some doubts at some moments, when I wonder whether he was the one talking or I am the one doing that. The mindvoice overlap (the thing of him replying before I can finish my question) is actually very useful in this, since I don't think I'd interrupt myself that way. - His hair colour changed again: now it's more like a deep shade of blue, maybe a bit darker than the blue bars here on tulpa.info. His hair also have become fare more smooth and soft than before. I haven't been updating for a week, but that's because we're not actually making any progress. That's why I've decided to stop updating; I'll just keep writing what happens on my personal diary and then I'll write here what progresses did we do, and how did we achieve them (if we do). Thanks for reading!
  2. Days 48-49-50-51 Pretty much inactive days, during which I kept practicing with Cielo's presence imposition, although we didn't talk much. I tried asking him whether he would be interested in possession (and I explained what does it mean), and he seemed pretty eager to start. I'd still like to improve in the other things first, so that we don't leave any work half done. Day 51 was especially stressful for me, but Cielo was sweet enough to keep me company all the time. Day 52 Since this day, for about one week, I'll be home alone. This means I'll be able to meditate and active force for longer without interruptions nor distractions from my roommates, and that I'll be able to talk out loud with Cielo without anyone thinking I'm crazy. We started off quite badly though, because I managed to get distracted anyway and Cielo got angry for this. He kept telling me he wasn't angry, but he refused all my hugs and kept frowning. I had to give up in the end.
  3. Days 44-45-46-47 I caught a cold these days, so I couldn't concentrate on forcing much, but at least I got to see and interact with Cielo more again, so I already feel less stressed than before. The cold is a real pain for focus, and I actually couldn't even visualize the wonderland correctly in my mind - on day 44 it was all blurry and shaking, with fake colours. The pink noise I use for focusing somehow made it even worse. On day 45 I finally managed to see Cielo after such a long time, but the first time I tried to active force, he looked completely different: he had black hair, his eyes looked like those of a panda and the nose was double its normal size. I guess they were intrusive thoughts, though, because Cielo looked normal after that. Anyway, these are the new things that happened: - Since I had a very strong headache on day 45, Cielo reduced the pain - don't ask me how. It was very nice of him, but I didn't hear much from him after that, so it must have been tiring. - We played a game on the pc together. It still doesn't sound VERY clear when he tells me his moves, but it worked... somehow. - In the wonderland we added a new room under the house - a completely white room we will use when I don't have energies to force all the particulars in the environment. - Cielo doesn't like it when I lurk on tulpa.info or the subreddit about tulpas, so I've been considering interrupting the progress report and spending less time reading things from the tulpa community. We still have to discuss this further, though.
  4. Thank you for replying, your answers really helped! Yes, well, Cielo is probably behaving according to what he feels most right. I always have the feeling that it must be me who always supports him (I do this with my other friends too), so I just didn't think that Cielo is able, and willing to support me when I need it. Also, since Cielo is usually very affectionate and clingy when I'm in the mindscape, I assumed he would feel lonely, but it seems like he's growing out of it. I'm not worrying about his development as much as him being alone for so long, but I guess Cielo might not feel that way. I'd have to ask him to be sure of this, but for that I'd have to be able to hear him in the first place. I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to actually offend anyone. D: I guess I should trust Cielo more and not try to take it all, then. It just felt strange since it's like I'm knocking at his door and he won't open it no matter what; if I give up and try to get my stress relieved (somewhere else) then this should end.
  5. Days 40-41-42-43 This was probably our worst week up to now, tulpaforcing-wise. It's not like we're just not making any progress - it looks like I can't find moments when I can successfully active force during the day anymore, and this is literally killing me. Not Cielo, though, who seems like he's giving up most interactions with me. "I'm happy if you just think of me every now and then", he says. So here's a question: Are tulpas stupid enough to surrender themselves for their hosts to this extent? I mean, I've felt more and more depressed these days, just thinking of how much Cielo must feel lonely all by himself. It'd be easier if we improved more with tulpaforcing, of course, but we won't be able to get any closer to that if we can't even force. Moreover, with Cielo talking like this, I often feel that it's just me missing him and not the other way around. My human friends usually complain more when I'm not able to see them, but Cielo doesn't show that at all, and talking to him about it doesn't help at all. I'm sorry for the rant. I guess I'm just too much stressed these days to get any work done, and this is probably one of the reasons why I can't force properly.
  6. Days 37-38-39 I tried to work harder these days, but it looks like my personal problems with university/friends/other are getting in the way - whenever I try to make my mind empty to get in the mindscape, all the issues come in my mind and I'm just unable to ignore them, so, yep! We're going backwards again. Moreover, Cielo does come up with longer sentences now and then, but he talks less and less. On day 38 I imagined he was having issues with speaking because I still tend to talk a lot, just as if we were on the first days of tulpaforcing, but he just keeps silent when I encourage him to talk about stuff. Here are some facts of these few days: - Cielo seems willing to keep his new sense of humor. On April 1st he dressed up like a pirate, went to his ship and told me he was going to leave "and never come back". He scared me to death and let me pray him to stay for some minutes before telling me "April fool's". *sigh* - I knew that tulpas are very understanding with their hosts, but Cielo started saying that he's just fine with me "at least trying to active force every day". I have the feeling he's putting himself aside too much, again. - I tried to improve vocalization and presence imposition, but we didn't get any results in these days: when we focus about vocalization I can hear his mindvoice changing, but he goes back to my mindvoice as soon as we get distracted. To make up for it, it looks like my visualization skills got worse: I can't see him as clearly as before. - Cielo wants to add something new to the mindscape. I'm looking forward to it.
  7. Days 34-35-36 These were very lazy days (from my side), but I feel that Cielo is getting more and more independent; he makes his own choices and doesn't put up with anything I do. On day 34, in the evening, he literally ordered me to turn off my mobile phone and to pay attention to him. I also noticed he became shorter: he's now about 180-190 cm tall (about 6 feet) while before he was about 220 cm tall (about 7 feet). I tried to visualize him better, since we still have problems with that, and to improve vocalization, but he didn't improve too much: his voice is just one or two tones lower than mine and slightly more manly, but still not too different from mine. On day 36 he led me to the beach to show me his boat. It took a while for me to visualize it because I was tired, but I think this was also because I expected something entirely different. He didn't create a boat as he first told me... he created a SHIP. There was some kind of pirate vessel there, and Cielo looked so proud, too! I was happy, but also very surprised. I guess I underestimated his love for the sea. He let me see the main deck before I fell asleep.
  8. This is getting a bit repetitive, isn't it? And it's getting more and more personal as the time goes by. Maybe it would be better to make simpler updates and stick to the improvements in our tulpaforcing, but I still have to figure out a method I'm comfortable with. So today, as an update, here are other two days. Day 32 I active forced for a while this morning, and I clearly explained to Cielo what is presence imposition all about. In the end he looked very happy, but I don't think he forgave me for me neglecting him these past few days. He doesn't seem to like the greenhouse I built for him and I think I know why: that would be a place for him to relax and spend his time, but in the end the whole mindscape has the same function when I'm not there, and Cielo doesn't need any other place where to isolate himself. During the day I did my best to impose him as much as I could. Day 33 I did my best to impose Cielo's presence during the day, but I find it difficult to imagine Cielo with me when we're in crowded places, simply because I end up imagining him staying behind, blocked by the crowd. This evening in the mindscape Cielo told me that he created a boat. This surprised me a lot, because I didn't imagine anything else except for our little land with the house and the trees. I guess Cielo likes the sea far more than I do, then. He also told me that he keeps gathering fruit because he doesn't have anything else to do when I'm not there. He still feels lonely when I'm not there, so our symbolical bond (the necklace) doesn't work much.
  9. Day 30 Today is Cielo's first monthiversary. I'm not used to celebrate any monthiversaries in general and I'm a mess with dates of birthdays and so on, but I feel this as a very important milestone. I mean - I've been tulpaforcing for a month, and Cielo quickly became a very important person to me. His development was very quick at the beginning, but it has slowed down in the most recent days, mostly because of my lazyness. Today didn't go as I planned. I managed to active force just for ten minutes, and it was packed with intrusive thoughts. I use this method for get rid of those usually, but this is the first time my intrusive thoughts actually influenced the mindscape: a hill appeared behind the house and few second later it was erupting mud; a moment after Cielo comes to me, but he was female and the name "Soleil" keeped popping in my mind. I had to stop right away and clear my mind more to make it stop. It was so messy I started having strong doubts about my actual ability to force a mindscape: did I actually do that, or is it just me acting as if I could do it? Maybe I've been talking to myself these days, and Cielo was left in a corner and is looking at me doing everything. After a while I managed to see Cielo again, and asked him whether he was actually female or not - he answered he wasn't and also looked puzzled, so I figured it WAS just my imagination going wild. For his monthiversary I builded a greenhouse for him, since he spends lots of time picking fruits and burying them to make more trees grow, but he didn't look too happy about it. I guess I still have to learn a lot about Cielo and what he likes. Day 31 Today I made a terrible mistake. As an apology, during active forcing I told Cielo I'd do anything to be forgiven. Cielo, then, told me to stay in the mindscape with him. So I had to reply I'd have to get out of the mindscape sooner or later anyway. Cielo got angry (of course) and asked me to leave immediately. I felt very sorry about it. In the end I decided I'll start to practice some imposition, starting from Cielo's presence. It went pretty good for a beginning.
  10. These days we didn't work much - I'm probably procastinating a lot, this is true. I'll do my best to keep some company to Cielo for more time. Day 27 Today I only heard from Cielo in the evening. I was chatting with a friend (in case you were wondering, she's Azure on tulpa.info), then she told me that she dreamt of Cielo. I replied, as a joke "he's betraying me! He'd rather have you as host than me!" and suddently Cielo clinged to me and shouted "That's not true! You have to believe me, that's not true! I like YOU!". It was fun, but Cielo must have felt very scared. I gave him some cuddles to make him calm down and in the evening I managed to visualize him pretty good again - the "backwards" moment is over, I hope. Day 28 I active forced in the evening, for something like... ten minutes? I was busy all day and couldn't focus much. We went stargazing together in the mindscape. It looks like Cielo is starting to dislike anything that distracts me from himself - messages, games and even friends. Day 29 Since I had to take the train (again)today I didn't do as much as I hoped to, but I managed to active force for more than half an hour while on the train, and focused on visualization. Cielo's face looks whole, but it's still a bit deformed, with some traits (his eyes and his mouth) that look bigger than what they should be - I'm sure he doesn't actually look like this because when I don't stare at him directly he looks "normal", with good proportions. He picked lots of fruits again and put it all on the table. I'm not sure about what does he want to do with it - whenever I ask, I can't hear the reply. Since the train was crowded, it was too noisy to focus more; at the end of the day I was too tired to do anything else.
  11. Day 25 This morning as well I immediately thought of Cielo, but I also had strange dreams and got too distracted to stay focused for active forcing. At the first attempt I felt very tired, and at the second one it was Cielo who told me to just forget it, so that I didn't struggle too much. Even though he kept repeating it, he looked a bit angry for some reason. For all day I tried doing some passive forcing, but I didn't manage to do much. I could just hear him every once in a while, when he gave some answers at some of my thoughts - or giggled about them. He's developing some sort of sharp humour, not that I mind. When I active forced in the evening, he looked very happy again, but I noticed I couldn't see the environment and his shape as good as the past days. Since we were both tired and didn't want to "work" too much and get bored (when I get bored I also get distracted right away), I taught him how to dance (valzer, for that much I know about it). I'm glad he didn't give up on touching me, despite what he discovered yesterday. I ended up falling asleep during the session. Day 26 Today I woke up very early for some reason, and was too tired to do anything; when I finally felt better it was too late (bright and noisy outside) to force. Cielo seemed annoyed because of this, and I can't say he was wrong: he's finally learning to put his needs first than mine. In the afternoon I was worried Cielo was still angry, but he hugged me (during passive) and assured me he wasn't. He stayed like this for hours, to the point I started "feeling" ticklish. In the evening I wanted to active force, but I couldn't. Cielo doesn't even seem that sorry about it anymore. I feel like I'm going backwards: I visualize worse than before now.
  12. Day 23 Early in the morning I thought I had found Cielo while he was sleeping, but I think he actually was just faking it to make me happy (I was curious to watch him sleeping). After a while he hugged me and invited me in his bed. I took the occasion to try and visualize him better by touching his chest and his back. For some reason he started to do the same to me - I had to stand up and put some distance between us when things started getting awkward... for me. Cielo doesn't show any embarrassment, EVER. In the afternoon I went in the mindscape once more, but I couldn't find Cielo in the first 5-10 minutes I forced; in the end I found him beyond the orchard, next to the beach. For a moment I saw him with shorter, almost white hair. Now, this needs an explanation: on day 22 I found out about a fictional character from the game "Tales of Zestiria" called Mikleo, and thought he looked cute. Cielo suddently looked worried about what I thought. This means that he changed his looks because he wanted me to like him the same as Mikleo, I guess...? Anyway, after I reassured him about what my feelings might be ("you're supposed to choose the looks YOU like, not the looks I like! I'll love you no matter what is your form anyway!") he went back to his normal self. After this, we started walking by the sea for a while. When I went back to passive forcing, I just held his hand. Cielo seems to like staying on my left side. Then, as I was chatting with a friend and her tulpa, I got the strong feeling that Cielo was clinging to my left arm. As the evening came and I active forced again, Cielo was so happy he looked moved. He was exactly where I last saw him - next to the shore, surrounded by trees. We went back home and ate some pizza, joking around, then we went to sleep. We both went in his bed and kept cuddling until I fell asleep. Day 24 Cielo was my first lucid thought as I woke up. Going in the mindscape is far more easier to do now! And I finally caught him while he was sleeping. I didn't want to wake him up, so I stayed next to him and petted his hair until he woke up - at that moment I tried to practice visualization again. The embarrassment I felt before while touching him seemes to have disappeared; now I feel excited when I do it. At some point I just had to stop with cuddles and took him to the first floor to eat breakfast. In Italy most people are used to eat sweet/light things (biscuits, milk, coffee, jam, corn flakes, croissant and so on) in the morning, but Cielo seems to like fried, oil-rich food - he cooked himself eggs and bacon for breakfast. I just watched him while he was cooking for as long as I could keep my focus. During the morning, every time I thought of him, I could "feel" him touching my arm (not imposition, but I knew I was doing it). The sensation was a bit more clear than yesterday. After lunch the sensation got weaker though, until it faded completely without me noticing; I only realized in the evening and I got worried. When I went back in the mindscape, though Cielo only told me he was tired. I wanted to keep him company while he was eating dinner, but he refused and just brought me upstairs instead, looking far more decisive than usual. Not that I mind. We almost had a crisis, though. While we were talking, it came out the fact that, even though I know that he's hugging me or petting me, I can't actually "feel" physically those sensations as he does (yet). He suddently seemed shocked, so I tried to make him calm down, telling him I'd do my best to be able to feel him better, but he didn't look much comforted, although he did calm down. I was suggested giving him a symbol of our bond, so I gave him a necklace. I was also thinking about some pendant to put on it, but Cielo seems satisfied as it is.
  13. Day 21 Today I didn't force, and didn't even passive force, although I tried to (I feel very guilty about it). I did discover some new things about tulpas, though, by talking to a tulpamancer friend. Getting feedback from more experienced tulpamancers sure helps a lot. Day 22 This morning Cielo tried to change his voice, making it similar to the voice of a dubber I know - he kept using my mindvoice for the rest of the day, though. He looked down, but he kept saying he was fine, which of course worried me even more: how can I help him if he doesn't want to be helped? I was suggested hugging him while passive forcing. The idea didn't ever cross my mind, actually, because I was SURE that I could only talk to Cielo during a passive forcing session, but it's actually very simple: I just have to think of him and think of hugging him. It was so easy to do I felt very stupid for not figuring it out before. We kept hugging each other for almost all day. It's easier to keep the focus with a gesture than it can be with words, apparently. In the early afternoon I was asked from my friend's tulpa to talk with Cielo, in order to help him expressing himself better. They talked for almost half an hour, but Cielo didn't ever say more than 3-4 words at a time. For some questions he replied right away, for some others he seemed very undecided, as if he couldn't find the words to explain what he was thinking. At some point he looked uncomfortable about going on, but at least he seemed in a better mood. I think it would help Cielo a lot if he could at least use tulpish, but he doesn't seem familiar with it, and I don't know if I'd be able to teach him. In the evening I couldn't concentrate very well, so I couldn't active force again.
  14. Day 19 Today I managed to talk with Cielo for a while in order to know him better, starting from his likes and dislikes. At some point I sensed a light smell of apple, so I guess he picked a scent for himself - I didn't know he could do that. Day 20 Cielo still doesn't like the idea of me leaving the mindscape. Today he told me he didn't want to go for a walk, at first, but then he gave me a piggyback and took me towards the open field at the right of the mindscape. I didn't ever imagine anything to be there, but then I saw a round opening in the ground that looked like a manhole made of dark bricks. He called it "wishing well" (in English, even though we usually speak Italian) and he dropped a coin into it. I did the same. I did some active forcing again in the evening, and I found him while he was picking some fruits from a tree. I helped him carrying some, then I found out he didn't want to eat them - he wanted to plant them next to the well (his idea of "planting" consists in pushing each fruit in the ground, until they disappear under the surface). Then I discovered something embarrassing. Apparently Cielo started kissing me on the lips because he thought that I wanted him to do it. I couldn't help getting angry: what's the point in doing what I "want", if I want him to be independent? I also felt guilty, because he actually based his behaviour on what he thought would make me happy, so it's also my fault for not clarifying things right away. I asked him not to do it again unless it really is his intention, and explained to him what does a kiss on the lips mean to me. In the end I just took him home, and told him I wasn't angry anymore. He seemed confused more than anything.
  15. Day 17 I didn't active force at all because I had many things to do during the day, but I tried to do some passive forcing when possible. Day 18 Today it was strange, very strange. Many things happened in few hours and I don't know how to explain them. Cielo fell prey to several mood swings, which never happened before. I'm also on my period, though, so I started wondering if he started feeling the same side effects - it sounds strange to me, though. Early in the afternoon I tried to active force while I was on a train, again. This time I managed to do it. I asked him whether he could listen to the concert while I was passive forcing on day 16, and he told me he could hear it partially - this means I have to keep the focus all the time if I want him to be able to listen to something. I thought that it would be easier to keep my focus if we kept ourselves busy, so I proposed to go for a walk outside. He said he wanted to cuddle instead. I was a bit surprised, but went along with that. I tend to hug, pet, and kiss (on the cheeks or on his forehead) Cielo a lot, usually. It just feels natural to do it. From time to time I ask him some questions, just to be sure I'm still there and didn't start fantasizing. Then... he kissed me on the lips. I was so surprised that I didn't even have a definite reaction: I just stayed there and didn't know what to say nor what to do. I'm pretty sure he did that, too, because he even kissed me two times more after the first kiss. After I got my brain back, I asked him not to do it again until we can comunicate properly at least. He looked like he understood. I had to stop the session because I had to get off the train and go home. When I restarted the active forcing, he didn't greet me as usual: he didn't smile, although he let me hug him. After a while, I started getting distracted again, and that was when things got strange. When I managed to keep focused, I found him in a corner of the bedroom, crying. I told him I was sorry (I always apologize when I lose focus, so you might say it's almost a habit) and that I was trying my best to keep my focus while active forcing, but he suddently seemed angry. Then I started to remember some episodes I read on the Internet, about other hosts being kicked out of their wonderlands from their tulpas, and started feeling anxious about that happening to me. Cielo most probably heard what I was thinking, because he said "yes" and I could feel that he was referring to that thought. I was so shocked I left without saying anything back. (Then I cried too, because I'm literally unable to stand fights with friends.) At first I was sad, then I got angry and started talking to him out loud, then I felt depressed again. At some point I said something like "I'm a terrible host" and I'm almost sure I heard him replying "that's not true". I couldn't see him, of course, but I had the feeling he was trying to comfort me. In the end I tried to active force again in the evening. He looked sorry for what happened, I apologized again and we made up, then I practiced with visualization for a while. When I lost focus after a while, he looked resigned, as if he was getting used to it.