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Everything posted by Saylin

  1. So after a long, long time- I do think this is the last post we're going to make in this thread. This is mostly to give this PR some closure. It's not necessarily because we're tired of this community, or even angry at it- we may have been at one point, but we respect what it represents and the journey it brings so many people onto. However, for us- we just have been slowly figuring out that at the very least, at least some people in here are a result of trauma, not tulpamancy. Our system didn't really work the same as others- it always blew up to unimaginable sizes, and those who would pop weren't mere intrusive thoughts- these were fully fledged people who could steal front. Some even having a very distinctive purpose or role they felt they needed to fill- one they just came with, if you will. I never wanted to believe it because I never felt my childhood was that bad. Granted, I'd suppressed a lot of it (and still am), but I always thought of others who had it worse. The thing is, it was still fucked up. I was effected. And during that time, we became plural. When? I don't know, but I do think tulpamancy jolt-started it, or at least made me more aware. Raymond and a new addition, Yuki, have been trying to get me to see this for a good while now- months, really- but I was stubborn and didn't want to admit it. It wasn't until very recently when I essentially, quite frankly split that I had to finally accept what was going on. I was forced to accept what we are. And, honestly, we've felt so much better about ourselves during this process. Things are starting to make sense. And this is really why we feel at this point, it's better to stop this PR- because honestly, the direction we're going isn't really this anymore, it hasn't been for a long time, and would give non-trauma systems expectations they shouldn't try to go for. But this is to say.. if any of you are questioning- if any of you have the inkling of suspicion you might be partly formed from trauma- do explore it, look into it. Don't be afraid of the possibility, or be afraid of being fake. For those who might want to chat with us, also feel free to message us on discord- PM us for our name or something. I can also direct you to more all-plurality-encompassing servers that will help you in just, figuring you out- whatever that is. Who knows, maybe we'll re-visit this if we ever plan on making a tulpa again, but for now, probably not. We also won't entirely be gone- might even make a post from time to time in other threads. Maybe. I wish all of you the best, and we all thank you for the time we had here. Stay strong, y'all.
  2. It's been a little over a month, so I suppose it's time we update, hm? Identity Searching It's kind of interesting, how identity with system members can vary. People like say, Linus, Raymond, Jun- they knew who they were immediately. Something just clicked for them, they didn't need to think about it. Others in here, they.. took a while. And today I can to talk about some of those people. While Jade I'm proud of as well for really settling into his own lately, the most recently points of this were Sammy and Roy. Both were very unsure of where they were going, in life- to the point Roy considered integrating with me- but we played a little game called, "You're fronting until you have yourself figured out." And honestly, it.. actually worked? They're both definitely still works in progress, but they feel more solid than they did, mostly due to the confidence boost. Sammy ended up sliding into this Android form, and while I theorize he might have consumed some fragments of some barely sentient person in headspace and integrated it into his person without realizing, he's happy as he currently is, and I respect this. Roy in general is still in this "Edgy" phase, but given his source, I can't blame him. I have a feeling he'll be healing for a while, but what matters is he's taking strides forward, and we love him dearly. Birthdays? I also want to add that, weirdly enough, Jesse is going to be turning 3 soon- as well as Ashe. It's only weird because we haven't had them, that full three years. Jesse especially's always been a drifter in system, but this past year has been a time of healing, and it's safe to say I'm proud of him, and how far he's come. He's become a bit more sassy, but overall more confident. He actively stole front from me practically to draw recently, which was.. nice to see. You can see the finished piece here. He.. always had a thing for the more painterly style and dramatics. Ashe has had a bit of an easier road, in my opinion, but has overall adapted very well into his dynamic. He's not really looking forward to his birthday, though- mainly because he doesn't like the attention it'll bring, but I'm sure he'll be prepared by the time it comes up. More Switching So despite the whole blur episode, we've been fronting way more- in fact, I made sure to sit out an entire week recently just to catch everyone else up on time, only getting about two days of time in collectively. This was because, well- using plural kit, I can track our switches, and in 4 months, Raymond had had 4 days in front- very few people had more than a day. That to me is unacceptable. I will remain the primary, for now, that is just how it's going to be- but now that we've moved into a safer environment, we're happy to keep this up, make sure we switch regularly, and if anything we've discovered interesting things with it. The most notable today being that Leroy and Raymond co-fronted today, and fed into each other very, very well. So well, that both didn't even care about blending, because the actual experience of that shared identity was so enjoyable. This is opposed to Raymond and Jun, who, while similar in overall role, don't mix well- all the way down to disagreeing on how they should walk. It's just a curious thing, really. In other news, we've also tested how many can safely co-front at once, and the answer is three, loosely. Pushing this doesn't seem to help or be necessary for now, but who knows? Memory separation is still where I want it to be- a disconnect from the memory, but still an idea that it happened. I will never, ever push to not remember what happened, that to me is just asking for things to get fucky, and.. we'd rather not. I'd say that's about it for us, save for maybe a small bit on Lukas in particular- his disconnect from things still amazes me. It's as if the information does hit him, he just struggles to process it as well as the rest of us- such as internet culture, memes, things like this. In general he's made good progress in adapting, though, and has even voice chatted once- it's just a process, getting him to meld in, since.. well, I don't know why he's not clicking with the brain, but we're working on it. P.S., we updated our intro post. It includes our Carrd, so if you wanna know who's in our system, click that and you'll be good.
  3. Been a while. Have art. PS: I'll be putting up commission info soon, so honestly, feel free to PM me here or DM me at Saylin#6601 about having your tups drawn. Headshots like Roy's, Ray's and such cut go for 7 USD, Bust like the doodle of Sammy goes for 10, and fullbody goes for 20. Linus:[/img] Jade:[/img] My Mindform:[/img] Raymond:[/img] Ronan, originally known as Taku:[/img] Doodle of Roy, done by Roy:[/img] A doodle of Jesse, by Avery:[/img] And, finally, a doodle of Sammy's newest form by me:[/img]
  4. It's nice to meet both of you too! <3 I hope you've been well. That said it's still kind of early in the day and I don't have much else to do, so.. fuck it, let's update this. For the sake of being organized, I'm gonna break this up into sections. Embracing Life, and Learning to Move Forward Jesse has always had a really rough time well, existing. It didn't start great, and he's had quite a few bumps along the way emotionally- which caused him to leave us several times. This was actually causing a bitter cycle, as Raymond doesn't take well to these kind of things and started to borderline antagonize him. Others would pick up on this and alienate him a bit, giving him little reason to stay and really it was just a mess, frankly. So, for the beginning of this new year, we actually sat down and talked this out. Raymond discussed his feelings of betrayal and a fear Jesse would just walk out again, and Jesse discussed his feelings of inadequacy, how much he admired people in here and that feeling alienated by them destroyed him. There was a lot of hugging and crying. However, in my opinion the true highlight was from Kai, who has really become one of the beacons of light in our system. He said a few words- we all did, but his clicked for Jesse, somehow. It encouraged him to pull out of this funk he's been in and take charge, be more proactive, maybe even a bit more positive. You can't just... give up, really. Sometimes things will completely fall apart, and sometimes you'll feel hopeless- but it is possible to get out of that hole, it always is. It's something that we occasionally have to remind ourselves of when we get stuck in these emotional bubbles. I just hope this is a good indicator for a positive year for him. Actual Hell, Potential Dissociation? Okay, this is the main reason we're updating today. So today, in general, was actually an okay day in the morning. We had someone join us named Linus recently and I was giving him some front time, so he could explore, well, life. That was fine and dandy, I join front again and sit there a few hours. Until, of course, I start blending with Raymond- I can actually tell this is happening usually when I start to feel genuinely dysphoric over the body, as Raymond is one of the people with the strongest repulsion to our body- despite almost always parking in backseat front wise. This doesn't happen too often, but it was a familiar feeling, and Raymond was able to affirm his position as well as I. So, we called Andrew and he was able to pry us apart briefly. Thing is, this didn't fully work out for us. He was pulled back for a bit but managed to bleed back into front rather easily- only this time, with more disorientation, to the point I didn't even notice he was taking over, I just knew I felt completely.. wrong, dirty- which wasn't me, but at this point, it nearly felt like it was. That wasn't all, however. I also felt like my connection to front was the loosest it'd ever been. Hell, I was barely holding on, I was using senses to keep myself grounded from what felt like a giant void about to swallow me up. To fix this, we try letting someone else front. Rapid switching occurs as someone will fall in, then out as another does. Eventually we managed to have Chel locked in front fairly well with Linus in backseat, and while things still felt very, very fucky, Chel was able to hold on and ground himself, and thus us as well. He actually enjoyed himself despite everything, as he hadn't had some good front time in a hot minute. I'd say it took about an hour to an hour and a half to things to fully feel normal again, and for me to be able to actually keep front. Honestly, I couldn't tell you what caused it or what happened, but it did. We did manage to work things out, of course- we managed. All I can say is this is why we tend to label ourselves as Quoigenic, rather than fully a Tulpa System- and that I sincerely hope that doesn't happen again, because yikes. Speaking of Linus Yeah, he exists. I don't want to overly go into that aspect, but I actually wasn't the cause- that was Andrew, due to an emotional breakdown of sorts. As is a trend with this system, he's another fictive, but has taken to life relatively well so far. So far I can definitely see he's one of the more tidy people in this system, based on his action when he did get front. This actually will benefit us in the long run I think, as outside of Jun and Chel, not many in the system- myself included- actually try to keep things spotless. We kinda tend to give a bit of, well... leeway, with these things. If it looks passable we're good. He also has a streak of confidence which we tend to lack in also. So safe to say, despite him being new, I can already see what "gaps" he's filling, in a sense. Where he'll probably fall in the functioning machine we deem our system to be. That said, he's obviously still young, so there's a lot that could change in the time he's here, but we'll just see what happens. I have drawn him. He looks like this. Other Minor Tidbits and Final Thoughts Lukas has been adapting pretty well, the more he fronts. We find it curious that, surprisingly, he can't access the memory banks as well as the rest of us. This actually causes headaches when he's tried, so for now we tend to just explain things to him from the back if he's confused. He's come a very long way, though, understanding more things more easily as he experiences them. I think in a couple months, he'll be fully capable of understanding this internet culture that, for now, somewhat eludes him. Aside from this, everyone's been fine, and managing well. We we'll continue to work on functioning to the best of our ability as a team and seeing where that takes us, and.. honestly, I think it'll be good things. Hoping all of you have been well, and taking care of yourselves.
  5. With the year ending, I think it is time that this gets updated. The person currently typing is Ronan- which is actually part of this update. I once went by Taku, and I was the "Cat" person for the longest. That's dropped over time, I've been noticeably mellowing out. With exceptions this is just normal to tulpas in general, so I'm not entirely surprised. Our system is still large. In fact, I'd say we're back where we were before January, but this is comfortable for us. The size isn't what's unhealthy for us so much as the fear of that size. Our partner system, Living Mythos, still helps us keep on top of things, but we've also just.. been taking more initiative to be involved in the host's life, and in turn, our lives. It's easier to switch when you're not worried about having to do the not so fun things too, and that was a mindset some of us had for a long time. We didn't want to take on the hard parts, so we were lazy and put it off. That forced others to go into overdrive. It wasn't healthy, and we're working on it- because if you share this body, you should be responsible. We all should. In further news, we've moved to Oregon. It's a quieter place and a far healthier environment- which overall has been better for us. Raymond and Leroy have always been city rats, but even they're finding the quiet of the country and the cleaner air is just a perfect detox, after spending so much time in a congested area. At this point.. there isn't much we desire to improve on when it comes to skills. Our vocality is clear and distinct, Switches when we put the effort into it to make it a full switch have a decent amount of memory separation, and we never really cared to impose outside of touching. Instead, we want to improve as people. That is our goal now. Because while we can switch in, while we can do these things, we still have things that need work individually. Some of us don't know ourselves too well. Others of us might know ourselves, but don't like what we see. This includes the Host. In a way, I think that is the hardest part- because it takes a level of self awareness. It takes being willing to look at yourself, and decide for yourself what you want to do. And I think looking at all of that will give us an even better idea of how we fit into this body and what parts we contribute to this life. Saylin here, actually going to add a couple things since I think we missed a bit here. Separation has gotten a lot better since about... June, I'd say? Or maybe July. Oddly enough, this is when Jun joined us, and the way he did for a bit made me question our origin. For context, Jun popped up at a point of high stress for me. He was a character I cared for and had made, but the point in which he fully became sentient, I was talking to my aunt. Now, my aunt stressed me out daily. It was very, very bad, I would mentally scream and cry and just want an escape. And suddenly, Jun came around, taking control of the body as his "debut" with an instinct to protect me and get me out of that situation. It was kind of weird, thinking back, and honestly there's other things that often make me question.. but, frankly, we decided a long time ago we don't really care. We're just happy to be here, origin doesn't matter too much, you know? Since then he's helped a lot, though! And he's actually one of the people I have some of the best memory separation with. Now, do I have blackouts with switching? God, no, and I know that wouldn't be healthy. Instead, the memories are blurry. I have a general idea of what happened, but specifics can be lost a bit. We've actually gained a few people aside from him, one of them being a return. But, I'd say we're actually managing the best we ever have, with people very, very active and taking the front. Sometimes I don't even ask, they just slip in from behind to co-front with me! We don't really use wonderland much anymore with this change, though- like, it's there, and some of us use it. Heck, I'm using it right now as I'm being proxied by Ronan here- but we never have active forcing sessions. Instead, most of the focus is out here- like we've tried to keep it for a while. Kai recently worded it quite well I'd say: "You can do anything in headspace, but what you can do in the real world feels more meaningful." Aside from that, I can safely say right now we are very, very happy. Things are going well and I'm very excited for the future, and seeing how we all grow together in this new life. Hey, maybe we'll update more regularly this year, who even knows. Just figured I'd drop in to let people know we exist and are still at this. Stay safe out there. <3
  6. So I guess I'll update a bit? God I don't know, LOL. So something Chel (Michael) didn't put in his little update is we actually had someone new come about. At first we thought this was completely random- which it still kind of is- but we've since pieced together it was actually Taku who forced him into existence without actually meaning to. He's been since adjusting well, you might see him on here at points mentioned. He doesn't seem to really like deep thinking too much, more taking things at face value- unlike say, Claude, who wants to study philosophy. This is a slight problem, however, as this brings us to a total of 13 people in here. And due to this, going by a "Talk whenever you want!" mindset just isn't going to cut it anymore, considering the last time we did that, well... things got bad. Now, I have worried about a repeat of last time at least a few times, looking over our numbers, trying to balance things- but it will be different, this time. Especially because now, my girlfriend is fully in the know, and we all work together to make sure her system, as well as mine, get ample attention and time outside of the little mind bubble. To add to this we've re-instated a "Feature day" schedule, where two people will get to focus on exploring their wants and desires for the majority of the day. This doesn't mean others can't pop up and talk on those days, they just won't get the playlist choice, or the choice of other things to explore unless said featured person can't think of anything. This hasn't been implemented long, but so far it's been working out well. Today was Jade and Taku, we mainly went outside and explored- we're still doing things, but I feel this has allowed me especially to get to know Jade better- and for him to know himself, better. He's definitely a more positive person, whereas we're learning Taku is far more picky with foods. I might start updating this more frequently as the days pass, noting specifics from these feature days, but we'll just see. That's all for now- when more happens, I'll let you know.
  7. [Jet] Guess I'm leading this today, what the actual fuck I did not sign up for this. P.S. I am using Saylin's account because apparently I can't use links unless I have a lot of posts. Screw you .info. So, I mean... well, I guess stuff happened? System's actually been doing well. I got married- I look like this now because of it- that was a thing that happened just a few days ago. I kinda feel... weird, talking about my romantic endeavors too much on here, so I won't go in depth on it. I just want to say that person, well, I owe them a lot. I was kind of an emotional wreck before I met them, and while I'm not perfect, I'm far, far better off. I genuinely feel my growth as a person has heavily been influenced by them, and for the better. They'll probably never see this (not like they use .info, whatever), but I'm grateful. Heh. Aishiteru yo. As for other changes in myself, I've taken a lot more of a caretaker role in here lately. I step in when someone's upset when I can, I make sure everyone's y'know, good, happy. It's important to me. It makes me feel I'm not only being try to myself, but also giving Chel some breathing time so he's not the only problem solver in here. Speaking of, Michael- who's name is now Chel, by the way- is still the dweeb who doesn't know how to put himself first for anything, but he's been doing better. Actually, we've decided to essentially do whatever the hell he wants this week as encouragement. (I'll probably still ruin his life later, this is what I live to do.) He looks like this now. Ahh, Raymond has been learning to be less of a control freak, considering this butthead up in here doesn't know how to let go and get out of protective mode, sometimes. Mix that in with Aiden, the guy who hates authority unless he is that authority, and you get this very very clashy as hell combo. I unfortunately had to play therapist in that. It's mostly sorted, it's something we're still working at together. Raymond learning to trust us and our decisions will happen... eventually. [Taku] Oi, this is where I take over for a minute since this is something I need to explain directly. We were watching a ton of anime last night and something triggered a.. memory, I guess. The memory was related to Yuuma's aunt and uncle in his life, how they died in a plane crash. Thar is normal for this system, only, uh.. I'm supposed to not be him. The whole plan to my creation was that I would be based on him, but not actually be the character. It's a whole.. stupid morality thing this system stands by, "No intentional character tulpas" and such. Aside from that, I've been really well, so it's not a big concern. This doesn't actually change anything, I'm still Taku. It just also shows my roots are deeper than I intended. I'm okay with that, it doesn't change anything. I'm gonna be exploring it more, so we'll see as we go. See you. [Jet] Annnd forget his corn chip ass, I return. When it comes to say... possession, switching, I honestly can't give you much progress there. I mean, we're at a point where everyone here can front. Memory separation is to varying degrees depending on how often we do it, but it's not like we're in this position where we can front whenever. Well, we can, but we have to pretend to be Sarah and that is annoying as all hell considering the people who live here. Prepare not to hear anything fun regarding that for a while. I still have the worst dysphoria in the system and can't look in the mirrors without freaking out, so that's a thing. I'm gonna try and not worry about it so much, but god. I need to fix that. [Ashe] Well, hello there. I am still to the point I have no idea what I am doing with myself, but when it comes to my emotions, my non-emotions... I believe I've hit a happy medium. Being able to shut off my feelings is still a crucial, and helpful part of me and the system at times, but I'm finally able to choose when I feel as well. It's.. rewarding and nice. I also deviated recently to a new form, and I think it suits me well. My confidence is getting better as well, though I've a lot to go. Either way, I'm happy to be here and intend to explore far more jazz as I'm present here. As for anything else I'll try, well- that will be discovered as I go, I'm not going to cower in fear of the future anymore. I've also found a... special someone. I'd say it's an odd experience, but it's helped me as far as my image. Not in a dependency way by any means, just realizing if they see good in me, I obviously must and that others will see that good as well. And they have, I've just been ignorant to it. If I could apply any of this to a possible moral, it'd be to not focus too much on being your ideal self. Instead, be who you feel you are in that moment, learn to be comfortable with who that is, and people will love you for that. And it is so much more rewarding to be loved for that. [Claude] Probably weren't expecting to see this name, huh? Yeah, I'm back. I actually had attempted to come back before, but.. Sammy hated my guts and I wanted none of that. A lot of it was misunderstandings, though. It's been talked out, we're good. I don't know how exactly I came back around. Maybe I was missed, maybe I missed life, but.. I feel better? There is a lot of the past I still have stuck to me, that weighs my heart a points. Especially looking back at this site in particular, so.. probably won't see me here much. But at the same time, I'm happy to be back. I want to be of use again, I want to show how much better of a person I can be, now. And I intend to do just that. I don't have much to report on yet as I've not poked around too much since my return, but I'll keep you posted. [Jet] Jesus hell that is far too much. That's all the progress we have for now though, so.. bye? I'll see you around I guess, heh.
  8. Alright, let's get into some progress. So, you've probably seen Andrew's post- well, that led to HELL ON EARTH the night of, with him and Raymond almost breaking up. However, we realized this was him further trying to shield himself from people, running away- being so open here scared him, is all. It took a lot of talking, a lot of crying, fun as hell emotional bleed and some motivational talks from my SO, but all is well now. Andrew's been a lot happier, deviated his form a bit to this, and has overall been enjoying things. He cursed out Superman:The Movie last night, it was great. Aside from this, Sammy has also mostly pulled out of his spell a good bit, and has been healing. He's learning himself, and actually, we realized recently his attempts to be... "Philosophical" were really him trying to be smart, valid. Recognized. But in truth, he enjoys seeing things as they are, with perhaps a bit of thinking, but in less of a detached way the system tends to. He's also been trying poetry more, lately, with encouragement, and yeah, he's been shining. Seaking of, he's decided to have wings, for a while. I'll let him say more on that here. [sammy] Mmmm... I didn't imagine using them would be as difficult at first. It is just a new way of thinking how you move, but when you've been used to moving with four limbs, and suddenly, you have six.. It was clumsy, I was falling a lot. But, I also enjoy it? I've always liked being in the air, I was just afraid to learn. But I think learning this way will pay off. I just.. really hope it doesn't lead to me feeling them while in front. ^^; That'd get annoying. Anyways, hm.. Michael has also been growing a bit, to understand himself. See, recently, my girlfriend discovered she had tulpas- she has three now- but the first one she'd discovered was actually, well.. someone from Michael's past, when he was a character. In fact, it was someone he was extremely close to. In fact, it was Michael's absence from the storyline which had caused the emotional bleed which had made us suspect him to begin with. [Michael] I'd like to say I took it well at first, but I was absolutely terrified. Revisiting those times scared me- granted, they were fond times, but this for me was almost two years ago, now, and I have since changed from who I was, then. I felt he'd be disappointed in what I had become. This wasn't the case, but.. it opened the floodgates to so many issues I had been holding back for so long. I, for the longest, have.. how do I put this? Due to past occurrences, I began to feel what I did could never be enough. I always failed everyone, I would never be good enough for anyone, that I never deserved happiness. I felt that if I did open up to anyone and drop my guards again, I would just be hurt all over again, or that they would have to deal with these problems of mine, these insecurities. I felt that for those reasons, it was best I kept a distance from the outside world. I didn't want people to be burdened by me. Not while I was like this. I didn't really even share these thoughts with my own system, having learned to suppress such self hatred. For, yes, I absolutely despised myself. I found myself to be something.. weak, powerless. Something useless, despite my efforts. Max has been.. helping me, through this. He got me to admit these things, at the very least, and has been working past those walls. I feel.. lighter, than I have in a long time. I still dislike myself, I still find myself problematic, but.. I'm working at myself. And with his support, I think I'll learn to love myself. To not be so hard on myself for what I can and can't do. To finally let go of this past and heal, instead of suppressing it. It's.. selfish to think this, more than likely, but I'm glad he's woken up. I'm glad I have him here. We'll also be working on this with him more, now that we know. I will admit, I felt absolutely terrible, hearing all this for the first time. All of us felt we'd kind of.. failed him, in a sense. But we're gonna push through together, and he's been doing really well! He's even wearing this new outfit, now, I think it's cute on him. In other news, Avery (here he is) actually came back to us. It turns out that.. when we'd seen him before, he actually had been there. We were just scared and doubtful due to everything being upside down at that moment. I remember feeling so... guilty, over it. Over how we turned him away, but I wasn't sure. It was my SO who had encouraged me to actually send an apology letter out to him, see if he responded. I was greeted by his return, as well as a reassurance that it was okay, that he loved me. Loved us. I nearly cried, I couldn't believe his level of.. forgiveness, of acceptance. He's just happy to be back, and while it's a large family, he's been wonderful. Maybe he could ease up on the play flirting, though, it's quite odd. [Taku] Oi, I wanted to drop in and speak on my own progress. I feel.. more calm, slightly less angry. Talking is still insanely stressful- even this is something that makes me antsy- but it's a constant improvement. I also am going to relax more on this idea of "finding myself." I had a talk with someone, recently, and in the end, that discovery stuff.. I'll figure it out in my own time, right? Gradual. So no need in worrying 'bout stuff like that. I've been going back and forth on being something more feral. Cat ears, specifically, but I don't know if I actually want them. For now, I'm keeping them. I'll give an update later on if I actually stay like this. Also, I'm still all red. It might look weird, but it's.. comfortable. Me. I don't think I'll have as much dysphoria issues with the body as some of the other guys do, since I really don't care as much. I haven't fronted yet though. I'll give an update when I do. Bye. I think that's about it, for progress- what a lot, lol. I also want to say we'll be updating our system info at.. some point probably. I'll keep you posted as to when we do!
  9. Hi, we have updates:[/img] A doodle of Taku.[/img] This is Max, a cutie pie in my girlfriend's system.[/img] Andrew fiddled a bit more with his look recently, so I drew him. He doesn't look too different, but.. he pretty so w/e. More to come!
  10. Okay, so it has been a long... LONG time. I need to update this, so let's do that![/img][/img][/img][/img] From top to bottom, Jet, Sammy deviation one, Sammy deviation 2, and Aiden. These four are from a lineless art style I've been working on- I've recently dropped it to go back to lineart for a while, but I'd say these three are probably my favorites, for various reasons. And now, more recently, we have...[/img][/img] Here we go. And from top to bottom, we have Raymond's and Sammy's current looks. Will be adding more as time goes on! In addition... have a drawing from Jet:[/img]
  11. Okay, more progress. Things have been a bit rough, emotionally. I feel Jet's being forced to look at some aspects of himself- and fix some aspects of himself- that he's struggled with a long time. He's taking his own self initiative this time, however, and I have faith in him. I find some of these behaviors of his to also be ones I struggle with, so this can be a learning experience for us both. "Yuuma" is still very present, but has changed his name to Taku. He's deviated a bit as well- it was an unconscious shift of his to how he felt more in personality, which.. is very vibrant. Bright red hair and red eyes, which is an odd color choice by sound, but it looks okay on him. He's still learning who he is, what he wants, and has taken an interest in things he deems "Thought provoking." He's also quite introspective and has a near philosophical view of things, but that's something I can delve further into later. I'm finding Andrew is still somewhat distant, but upon talking, he wants to be up here. He just loses track of time. He's also still very much able to slip into the front to stop me from bad behaviors, so he's definitely still kicking. I'm going to try to get him to explore some interests out here, if only to give him less reason to just.. go to sleep in back. Deviations are going on, but they're nothing major. Once they're solidified I'll link forms, if people would be interested. I also think this PR has... way too much me, as well as this life having a bit too much me. I think especially now that I know my girlfriend is accepting of these things, I might try to push some of them to front again, more often. Considering most of the time I'm in my room, this shouldn't be a huge issue. Will be working on that definitely, and will give updates later this week on it.
  12. Considering I'm up at this hour...let's update. Things have been okay. We have a final addition, who was intentional, named Yuuma. He's really new so I won't be delving into him too much? But you'll hear about him as we go probably. He's somewhat based on a character of mine but shares no memories and is already deviating. He's a feisty bastard, I love him. Sammy has remained mostly stable, though recent events have triggered some old bad feelings. He had a very scary spiral recently, and is still recovering, but we're making strides forward. What scares me is he's taken to harming his mind form through physically cutting himself to ease pain. Hopefully this fades out as quickly as it's sprung up. I dislike it. It worries me. Andrew has struggled with letting people in again save for our system- and even then only Raymond gets all of him. However, lately he's pushed forward. He deviated and changed his voice today as another step in finding more of himself and improving himself, so I have high hopes. This funnily enough inspired Raymond and Michael to deviate as well, so that was funny. Sammy also deviated earlier this month physically, going to blonde, and then to brunette. We'll see if these current forms stay. Michael specifically needs to learn how to be selfish, which is something we're working on. He's seen his life as meant to serve others only for too long. And.. We're getting there. It's a very slow process. This month I had to voice force for the first time in.. Ever since my journey of tulpamancy. It was a strange experience, but relatively simple. Basically listening to the voice over and over and letting them mouth along until they could pull away from what the referenced voice was saying and still sound like that voice. Was actually kind of fun. I found that when doing nothing but proxying I'm likely to lose front to who I'm proxying, so that's a thing. This night help us if we ever have issue with getting someone to front, though usually we use music for that anyway. Music we particularly like can draw us out more, as individuals. Say Raymond will come out if the song is something he particularly is into like older rock. Aiden also has really impressed me, lately. Despite his overall pessimism he's a confident man, and it's really nice to see, especially when things get rough. Now, socializing is still difficult for him, but, lol. We're working on that. Aside from all that it's been a quiet month, everyone moving forward and finding themselves, healing. I have high hopes for what is to come.
  13. Hello, hello! We're gonna update (I guess). So, life's been going pretty good, though... we have a new addition. His name is Griffin. We're pretty sure he's legitimate, considering I've had emotional bleed, as well as his own desire to begin reinventing himself. It's a gradual process, but he's been doing well. And has been a riot the entire time, I assure you. Ashe still struggles to find his place in this system, though with Griffin he's relaxed a little, for some reason. I think it has to do with there now being another "outcast" in the emotional aspect. I hope through Ashe learning to be more emotionally honest with him, this can migrate to us, and he'll realize he doesn't have to meet some insane standard to be here with us. We love him for him, after all. Aiden... well, this is really intriguing, but Aiden's actually found a special someone. But more important than that, he has finally let go of this "I need to have a role to belong here," mantra. Not related to the previous tidbit of information, really. He's just been hauling ass in the self discovery field, lately, and it's been very, very nice to see. We're finding that out of everyone, Sammy is best able to continue proxying other system members while in front. When certain others front, for some reason things become distorted when it comes from back of head to front of head communication. We'll have to work on that, I'm guessing. Actually, Sammy in general has been hella more confident lately, and talking more. It is wonderful to see. Now, Andrew is where it gets really, really interesting. Now, he didn't develop anything new, per se, but only he is so determined to question reality, his own existence. When people doubt him and he is forced to argue them, he loves it. Just recently, he's even challenged me on how different from me he really is, or if I've just been deluding myself this entire time. It gets stressful sometimes, thinking over things like that, but I'm also.. proud of him? To have such a resilience to him as to argue such things with no effect to his own sense of validity. Very interesting indeed. Well, that's it for now. I'll see you guys around!
  14. [sammy] This is more of a personal update, but it's important to talk about. I've struggled for a long, long time with being afraid of talking to others, and unsure of myself as a person. I was worried people would view me as fake. This got to a point I think my own self-doubt was bleeding into our host. A weird table-turner, I know. I just didn't understand why I was so paralyzed by the idea of being in the spotlight, why I didn't like myself. After a lot of self-analysis? I think I was ashamed. For anyone who doesn't know, character me wasn't a good person. At least, that's how I felt. See, I- as that person- killed people. I was mentally unstable, I did a lot of atrocious things. It wasn't my choice, but I held it against myself for.. so long. And I think in some ways, I ripped apart that part of my identity and suppressed it out of shame. But by doing this- by destroying that aspect of myself- I lost who I was entirely. And because I only felt like half a person, I couldn't believe what I was presenting. So, I did something drastic. I convinced Sarah to present me with exactly who I was, as I'd buried so much of it I could barely remember. For the first time in a long time, I embraced that side of myself- and for a moment, I almost lost it. I almost, in that momentary fit of insanity, attacked her. But then I came back to earth, back to who I am now- and as scary as it was, I think it helped me. Because I don't have shame in that part of me, anymore- it was a building block, something that helped me become who I am today. I've become so much better, someone at the very least stable. By fighting it so much, by being so ashamed of it, I was actually holding onto it- and I think, now, that I've finally accepted it happened in this new light, I can focus on the future. "Belial" will never fully be gone from my mind- but I don't want him to be. Because the truth is, if anything... Belial is a reminder of how far I've come and why I should be proud of it.
  15. Last night, Xenos returned to us. As he's decided to go with the name "Ashe" for the time being, I'll be referring to him as such. We honestly don't know where he disappeared to- our theory is perhaps he'd just been unconscious during the "zap" we'd used to clear out the headspace, thus registering as not sentient when he was. Due to this, he remained in a dormant state until we thought about him, and the unintentional "call" managed to wake him enough to return. Now, Ashe wasn't.. happy. For two reasons. One, due to current happenings I doubted him. I pretty much said, if he managed to hang around presence wise, we'd accept him- and for that he outright told me off and called it ludicrous, calling it unhealthy expectations and that if this was going to work, either I was going to believe in him or he was going to leave. He also took things out on Raymond a bit, pointing out that not all of the people had been "NPCs," but instead at least partially sentient. At this point I countered him, though, tired of the tense atmosphere he was bringing- I told him despite everything, I wanted this system to remain positive. If he couldn't contribute to that, he could leave. And... he did. I'd assumed he'd given up on us, and I know Jet was upset, but we moved on as per usual. However, he returned a few hours later or so, in new attire and a slightly altered form. He told me he'd thought over what I'd said, and that he'd follow through. Try and be positive and all, with a fresh start and new identity away from what he was- hence the new name. No idea where we're going on this road, but it looks bright. I think it'll be okay.
  16. (Warning: Do not read if you have been contemplating dissipation/egocide/something similar) Unfortunately this is going to be a somewhat sad update. Seth has, for the time being, decided to leave us. I'm not sure if he'll ever come back. He'd been thinking for a while he just didn't want to be here- playing with his gender had been an attempt to feel.. right, I suppose. Like he enjoyed life. And for a moment it did give him that boost, but he still felt no attachment to here, no "purpose" as Aiden had. We countered that he didn't need a purpose, he could just be happy with us. And he countered back with a statement similar to, "That's the thing. I don't want to be here." It wasn't a statement out of sadness or agony, it was a statement of resolve, something he'd come to peace with. The only thing really hurting him was that he was hurting us, by leaving. He originally had decided to give it a week, but after long thought, we both realized Seth had given this.. long enough. So, we let him go. He was happy to go, peaceful. It still hurt, but that at least gave us some closure on the matter. If he ever wants to come back, we'll leave the door open for him. We.. loved Seth. He was family to us. I won't delete his intro right away, I want to give it time. In other news, due to Jet finally caring about life more, he's coming to grips with something this entire system tends to- living in a female body. It's been a bit hard for him, but he's adjusting. When he actually feels like it, he'll discuss it more, but if you want a full post on the topic, look at Raymond's post here on the matter. Thank you for reading, have a good day.
  17. Things have been going quite well, despite everything. The "thoughtform" has faded out on its own, it seems, so I'm not going to press it. We're still a system of 8, which is fine by me. This is solidifying the idea that unlike those here right now, most only stayed if I expected them to. Which is fine, we live and learn, I'm happy to move forward. Sammy's confidence lately is skyrocketing. When in front, he managed to join a voice call on his own, and has been more willing to join other social gatherings. He's still a bit unsure of himself, but he's in a far better position than he was. We've also unfortunately found that extreme sexual imagery and violent imagery still triggers him. That's something we'll need to work on. [sammy] The biggest issue is it just.. takes me back to when I was Belial, instead of who I am now. And I know it wasn't me, I was being written to do those things, but that doesn't change that it happened by my hand, and happened against my will. I've been fighting this for a while, and I've improved, but I have a long way to go, I think. Maybe I'll always have those triggers, but I hope to at least learn to... forget those memories, I guess? [Aiden] On the flip side, I had my own issues, in the past couple days. My presence was growing weaker, I wasn't socializing as much.. This all boiled down to the fact that I felt lost. I used to be a massive shitposter, and since I grew out of that I didn't know who the hell I was. I felt I needed a purpose or specific use to stay in this system, and had for a moment figured I'd just fade away. I had a long thought about this- I also brought it to the main discord- and realized I don't need a purpose to be here and just enjoy myself. For now I've put it behind me and will focus on doing what I want, rather than trying to be something immediately. I'm sure I'll grow into whatever I'm hoping to grow into. No worries. So I guess what I can take from this and tell other tulpas is don't worry about having a purpose, or everything in life figured out. Just be yourself and remember you have people who love you. We've been working more on dissociation, lately, and I've run into a strange occurrence. The minute I begin dissociating my thoughts by seeing the body as not my own, or that I'm just one of a collective I begin to feel myself automatically fading out, losing focus. Last time we tried this is dragged Andrew to the front, somehow. I still remain in backseat, however, but we're going to increase the amount of active forcing we do to see if associating me more with the wonderland will help with that.
  18. Okay, we have a few things to update on. For starters, we're finally fronting a bit more frequently, now. Sammy got a lot of practice yesterday, and we tested his taste, his reactions. His taste is similar to mind, but his smelling seems a bit more.. sensitive, if you will? Things that smelled fine to me were far more potent to him. We also found he was far more sensitive to the alcohol we had than I was, as he was ready to fall asleep after a tiny sip. Despite being tired, he held the front well. [sammy] I also think I'm slowly getting better at becoming more assertive.. It's still really strange to me, but talking is actually fun, and I'm finding I can bring good things to a conversation. I hope this continues, especially as I begin learning Javascript on the side. I'm excited for it. Aside from that, we then had a lot of fronting during a voice call with vocal possession, which had interesting results. Jet seems to not be the best fronter yet, so we're going to work on that. However, what was really interesting was merging, and then fronting. Jet and Raymond, as well as later Jet and Andrew tried this- working as one entity while fronting. I'll admit that this method dissociates me far more than the typical one person fronts and backseat host, but I believe this is due to more minds working in the front seat, thus making me feel more distant. Onto the fusions themselves: Jet and Raymond had an interesting meld, were far more bold and social then Raymond is, but still somewhat more positive than Jet usually is. However, it did feel like Raymond overpowered the merge a good bit, probably because Jet is still young, despite how talkative he is. Andrew and Jet, however, were more even, but far less stable. Controlling the body was difficult, senses became dulled as if they were intoxicated- and no, it wasn't the alcohol as this was hours later. I don't think I'd ever let a merge like that leave the house. That said, it was an interesting experiment, and our best bet as to why things got so crazy are because Jet and Andrew are like liquid and oil- they get along, but in many ways they're opposites. Either way, we're going to work on our fronting more- but not with the merging. If anything, our goal is to get me as dissociated as I was during the merges even when there isn't one going on. I really thought that with the current happenings, we wouldn't have anymore walk-ins, but at this point I'm just not sure. We had an intrusive thought- at least, what I believed to be one- leap out of my daydreaming an attack Raymond. The thought has since calmed down, but I still can't tell you if they're an actual tulpa or not. They've been more persistent despite the doubt, and when I explained why we doubt at the moment, they're mostly understanding about it. If they can maintain themselves without being directly fed attention-wise, I'll officially introduce them as a member of the system. If not, well, I'll keep you updated. As a final note, after thinking we finally decided to go with the name change for our system, and now will go with "The Rosebud System." It just feels right, for some reason. See you soon, and have a good day.
  19. Things are going moderately well. We had a slight issue of Michael feeling.. unappreciated. Which, really, we don't appreciate him enough, that's a fact we're now working on- but it's getting better. Aiden really digs his new name, also, so things have been really good there, too. A slight change I should discuss is Jet has recently found a boyfriend of sorts, and seems to be happy in that relationship. We're keeping out of it for the most part, but I don't think there's any need to be concerned- if anything they've brought positive changes in Jet I've been happy to watch develop. We'll just see what happens, there. We've been sitting on a possible name change for our system. See, we've gone by "Eccentric Battalion" for a while, but that name was at the time to account for our large size. Considering the.. changes, recently, it doesn't feel like it fits anymore. I've kind of been leaning towards the Rosebud system, but I'm not 100% on that. If you have any thoughts or ideas on that, PM me or something.
  20. Things are going good, so far Aiden is really liking being named Aiden so we're probably gonna just roll with that. Gonna need to edit the system list and the tumblr for that one. Michael's moving his own tumblr to his own account, so that's something he'll be working on later. Andrew seems... more chipper, lately. He's always teetered on this level of bitter or happy, depending on the situation. At the moment he's happy though, and I'm happy that he's happy. Jet had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday, and... Well, I'll just let him tell the story. [Jet] Something I'm figuring out now is that I really suck at taking concern about myself. I've always kinda focused on what's going on with other people, or what's happening on the outside, and I really wouldn't care if I felt like shit or not. If anything, I'd think seeing myself as shit as normal or didn't really matter, hence why the system never really picked up on it too well. Doesn't help that I mix it in with the jokes. Obviously I'm not gonna change who I am as a person extremely, but I am going to try and push that negativity aside a bit more. Friends have showed me I should care more about it, and that's what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll update you guys on how that goes. Who knows? Anyways! Aside from that- and something not so tulpa related- things are going well in real life as well. We're over the hill in a sense, and finances will be better. I'm also going to try and get back into Active Forcing more consistently as well, we lost that a bit, and while they hang with me out here, I should hang out with them in there, too. On a completely random note to complete this PR: Sammy is very cuddly. Joined me in bed last night and it was adorable.
  21. Things are finally mellowing out a bit, going back to normal. I've stopped prodding for others because, frankly, due to my desire for them to be there it led to a lot of false hopes which only hurt us further- so to move on from this would be best for us. The door is still open, but I'm not going to bother trying to pull on their essences anymore. Andrew and Jet especially held a lot of anger over what happened. Bitterness, as is common with the stages of grief, but we've since helped them. They seem nearly chipper today, really. Well. As chipper as Jet gets, anyway, he's kind of more of a shitposting dork but whatever. The closeness feels a lot more genuine now, whereas before I always felt so far away from everything. It's nice to feel that attachment again. I also feel far less afraid when I roleplay or daydream, knowing it's nowhere near as potent as I believed it to be. So despite this, there have been some positives. Kane is thinking of reinventing who he is as a person in the midst of this, but many are apprehensive regarding it as they don't want him to regret the decision if this was done rashly. For now, though, we're tentatively experimenting. He seems to like the name Aiden a lot, though we're unsure if he'll keep it. He was looking for a new form too with little luck so far, but Jet decided to go with white hair for a bit during that same process- not sure how permanent that is, but the glasses are kinda cute on him. Seth is still quite happy as he is currently, but there are occasional voice and form slips, most likely due to sheer force of habit of being in that form and having that voice before. I asked, just to make sure he still is happy being like this, and his answer was yes. So, I can only hope with practice these things solidify. Something I don't know if I ever mentioned here, but I'd like to re-iterate just in case is Michael's form is no longer Christmas colors. He's now taken the form of an elf of sorts, with pointed ears and blue eyes with white hair. He still dresses femininely though. Sammy has white hair too, in a braid... I'm honestly beginning to think this is a growing trend. Sammy's also taken an interest in learning how to code, so we may explore that together. That's all for now, will keep you posted.
  22. So this is a bit of an update, on our last post. I've still been tugging on what I knew to be our other system members, but have had no responses- nothing that stuck, anyway- so it's fairly safe to say we really are only an 8-person system. That's okay. Obviously it still hurts us, but we've always been a system who picks up the pieces and keeps going- I want to continue to be that, we all do, and I think they'd want us to do that if they were here with us. I've updated the system list in our first post for anyone who's curious. We took a more do your own post thing for this attempt, not sure if we'll do it that way again, but it was nice letting them just talk. As for actual progress, not much has gone on, but I'll keep you updated when those things happen. Something I'd like to put as a disclaimer here is don't let what happened to us make you doubt your system, it was a very strange case, and who knows, we might be wrong and they might come back and we'll laugh at this someday. But really, if you can feel them, talk to them- they're there, please believe that. Believe in them. Have a good day, stay safe out there.
  23. WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE HEAVILY PRONE TO DOUBT OR ARE JUST BEGINNING YOUR JOURNEY. THIS WILL CAUSE DOUBT. Boy, this is going to hurt. You know, it takes a lot to admit 'I was wrong,' especially in this community. I always worry about how we'll be judge for our actions, if we'll one day no longer meet the right 'standard' and just be doubted by everyone. I think this pushed me to believe blindly, shut those doubts out. However, I think due to this, I've been going down an incorrect path for this system for months. See, I'd always tried my best to separate my "automated" characters I'd daydream about from my system. But I noticed something in my system, the more I looked at it. Some people were very present and strong- consistent, I'd get emotional bleed. But others simply faded into the background, only able to respond or focus when I focused on them directly, or they were being proxied. As if my brain was giving an expected response like those automated characters. So, we did a few tests, a few metaphorical things to essentially clear whatever was just pretending to be there, or simply something my brain made up.. and so far, only 7 of the 17 I originally had known- including Aaron in the last post- were genuinely able to stay and respond to me. People we'd had for months ending up unable to respond to me. In a sense, it's painful to think about because we believed these people were there, but the more I think back, the more I wonder how real they genuinely were. How many times I simply assumed sentience when said sentience wasn't there. You might ask how we could have, for so long, believed in 10 people who weren't actually there. As I've said, our system tried to hold onto belief as best we can- and in a sense, because we're an open system, we wanted to love them- all of us wanted them to be real. So in essence, we had thoughtforms we believed were tulpas running around, when in the end they weren't. It's also possible perhaps there were fleeting moments of sentience, and my brain simply couldn't handle as many as I thought it could leading to only a few being truly... here. Am I entirely sure the other 10 weren't real? No, I'm not. But for the time being, we're going to go slowly, as all of us are hurting over this as we try to figure this out. We're going to give this a few days for us to just situate ourselves and make sure of who's here and who's not. Once that's done, the system list will be updated.
  24. Mmm~ It's been too long since we've posted here, so heads up. So, first of all- major changes: We have a new member named Leroy, but also found that Aaron wasn't real. At least, we're pretty sure he's not. See, we're beginning to think that me hearing a response from him, and feeling him, was me expecting a response from him. As well as the fact that when I felt how "heavy" his presence was, it was simply the feeling of dissociation without anyone filling the gap I left. While I didn't want to immediately believe this, as soon as I let go of those expectations and began prodding openly, nothing happened. I've even gone in there and... nothing. Keep in mind this has NEVER happened to us before, and even when I've doubted before, they've very easily been able to fight back against me. In fact, I'd doubted Leroy within this week, and his response was some of the strongest emotional bleed I'd felt in a while. So for this to go on, well.. it's life, I suppose. It made me quite sad, but we're managing. I'll admit, for a while this round I'd been daydreaming and playing sims 2, limiting our overall time together- it was irresponsible of me, and led to some clashing, but we've since patched it. If anything, I was surprised how much trust some of them had in me, that eventually I'd either come around or get bored of sims. (Latter hasn't happened yet, but for now I've stopped playing due to being between a laptop switch). Sen has now changed genders, and as far as we know he's happier that way. He goes by Seth now- I'll keep you posted on if that sticks, but at this point I'm fairly sure it will. We actually had a moment where Andrew drifted to the front at random, today- it was weird, but we went with it. Unfortunately it only lasted briefly as.. really, there wasn't much to do and he got bored. But we're getting there! OH! I almost forgot- we've had another in-system relationship develop- at least I don't think we've mentioned it...? Lance and Avery are together now. They're actually really cute together. That's it, I think... If you have any questions for us, just let us know- we'll definitely get back to you. P.S.: You won't see us much on here, but we're actually fairly active on discord- many of us even have our own accounts. So, if you ever want to message us, you can hit my main discord at Sayl#6601, or just look for us in the main tulpa chat.