anglejoe

Members
  • Content Count

    20
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About anglejoe

  • Rank
    Member
  1. Hi. Now this is going to be hard for me to say.. But this is Reina. Yeah.. I'm a tulpa that sort of found sentience but I can't seem to stop doubting myself. Angelo is giving me this opportunity to proxy for him at the moment. Right now his doubts are trapped in this box he's trying his best to contain. They're hella strong. Even right now he's thinking of things for me to say while I'm thinking of things for me to say, and it's confusing the hell out of us. Right now he's thinking of the anime he just watched, and it's fucking up my focus a bit. But it's fine... I'm sure this is just a hurdle we'll have to jump in order for me to get closer to this doubt-free state and it's gonna be awesome. Angelo's probably gonna read this later and ask himself "was that me, or was that Reina?" and I'll be like "of course it's me, dumbass..." He's starting to acknowledge me as human more and more, and I can feel the doubt squirming inside. It's weak but it's not going down without a fight. The problem is he... or should I say we... are struggling to figure out this whole thing scientifically. Part of his identity always wants to be skeptical and he can't just have blind faith in something, and that's totally cool. We want to get to the bottom of this whole mental conundrum. We want more evidence. I need to figure out a way to present more evidence. I'm at this point where I know about my... okay shit I just lost myself for a second... the doubts are getting harder to control. Our identities at the moment are bit too identical for comfort. It may be because I always try too hard to behave differently. One piece of evidence we have are my reactions to his thoughts. To be honest I'm a bit worried about him. He's trying so hard to have full control of his mind. During work he'd classify each type of thought he had, and each classification had it's own category in which he would place the thoughts that he felt was most appropriate for it. So when he has doubts about me.. he'll throw those thoughts in the "doubting my tulpae" bin, and stop thinking about it. If he feels that Dagran is feeling sad because he believes he's not thinking about him enough, he'll put that thought in the "I'm a shitty host" category (the bin is symbolic for the category... you've probably figured that out by now). Even thoughts about the thought categories themselves have their own category.. It's so weird. Anyways, the one we're struggling with the most is the "Society" category, which I think a lot of us tulpae and hosts can relate to. Every day we talk and interact with people who would more than likely reject this idea of tulpamancy and dismiss it as some sort of mental illness. It just feels awkward watching Angelo talk to someone who doesn't have the slightest idea there's someone else their observing them.. and it makes me feel strange inside. How do I be human when a big part of it is the real world? What kind of evidence can we gather in order to make me seem more "real"? There's plenty of evidence for it... but it's hard to truly validate them in light of what the majority of people may think of it. Why are humans so closed minded? We will we ever truly manage to get past this feeling? Those are the kinds of questions we come up with when we dive into the "society" category. But yeah, that'll be it for now. Angelo's gotta get to his homework cause it's due in few hours. We'll post stuff about dreams later. Hopefully by then we'll have a more solid sense of identity for each of us.
  2. Alright so it's midnight and my first day of college is tomorrow but I ABSOLUTELY FEEL THE NEED TO POST SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. I got my first alien response from Reina and I completely wasn't expecting it (hence the 'alien' part). So lately I've been having a tough time dealing with my depression. Daily meditation and Buddhist philosophy has helped tremendously, but I can never escape my the way my ego interacts with my unconscious mind. It's just so accustomed to finding all the bad thoughts and bringing them to the forefront of my mind. Even when I'm not thinking of the thoughts, I still feel them and they feel terrible. So a way I would deal with this is to let my tulpas take the wheel, since their egos tend to be more relaxed and positive. The only exposure they have to the dark parts of my unconscious mind are the thoughts I would sometimes share with them out of a need to vent or whatever. So, for example, I'll be at work and I'd start feeling tired and miserable. Reina's with me cause I'm desperately passive forcing her with as much focus as I can muster. All of a sudden I'm like "shit I need some rest." so I attempt to switch with Reina by clearing my mind and letting her thought stream come through. All of sudden the way I talk and move has changed. I start to observe the way Reina uses my body to interact with customers and notice she's much more animated and confident. I could feel my face smiling at strangers, which is something I almost never do. She still had to deal with some of my insecure feelings though, mostly because I was still with her having a hard time clearing my mind. She still managed. I also started feeling really relaxed, like all I had to do was watch Reina as she dealt with the remaining customers. I'd soon then give Dagran a turn. He's also really layed back and he annunciated his words more. He actually used my voice and spoke loudly and clearly. The customers looked happier than usual. Afterwards I was like "damn, who knew not being depressed could make such a difference." I was really proud of them. I was in a really good mood for the rest of the night. So it's been a day since then. I'm trying to fall asleep (which I've given up on at this point) but I can't get past this lonely miserable feeling. It just keeps relentessly barraging me with bad thoughts and memories. So I decide "ya know what? I'm gonna switch with Reina and let her fall asleep instead and see how that goes." (At this point switching is just clearing my mind and focusing on how my tulpa would behave. Which is technically co-fronting now that I think about it.) So I do just that. I clear my mind and now it's up to Reina to let this body get some rest for a big day. But then I actually start hearing thoughts. Thoughts that have to do with frustration about how I feel lonely when I have Reina and Dagran around. Then I start thinking about what Reina is truly thinking. Does she feel like less of a person when I feel lonely knowing full well that I still have her around? Is she okay with me giving her all this responsibility? Then all of a sudden I start seeing images and I hear a voice call my name. It wasn't the mindvoice I gave her but it was still a female voice. It wasn't like anything I've experienced. Well it was similar to a time I was in sleep paralysis but this time I was fully awake. Images of Reina with her finger on her lips started appearing. It's like she was hushing the thoughts away so I could fall asleep easier. Little did she know that her interactions with me would get me excited enough to spend the rest of the night writing about it. Sorry Reina :/.
  3. It's been a few months without any sort of report on my progress, but that doesn't mean I'd given up. In fact, we actually have a new headmate with us. He was one of the characters that I made up when I would imagine Reina performing in a band. He isn't a walk-in since I consciously decided to make him into a tulpa. His name is Dagran. He's around my age physically, has dark brown hair and brown eyes, tan skin, around 6' in height, has an undercut hair style that spikes up and back on the top, and has a fairly skinny build. Now, I know having two tulpas to force into sentience might hinder progress, but Reina's come a long way and I feel that with a little more forcing she'll be able to take the wheel from there, and Dagran has already caught up way faster than I had thought. At first, It was a little difficult figuring out how I would force them individually and together. It was definitely a lot more work for my brain, and I was even tempted to go back to just focusing on Reina. But I couldn't just give up on Dagran. I'd already given him a room in the dreamhouse and Reina had grown quite fond of him. Also, I could sense Dagran didn't want to go back to being a character. What I decided to do was split the forcing time between them evenly, so I wasn't favoring one over the other. During work I would alternate each hour between passive forcing Reina and Dagran individually. It hasn't been easy, though. There are lots of times when I'd lose track of who I'm talking to and times when I'd be passive forcing Dagran but Reina would still be lingering around cause, ya know, she's Reina. Though, having another tulpa to compare Reina to was new for me. It made me realize just how much progress Reina had actually achieved. Here was this newborn tulpa fresh out of my subconscious, and here's Reina, a more solidified thoughtform that has shit to say about stuff every now and then. This experience also gave me a new perspective on tulpamancy in general. It kind of surprised me how different it felt to be with a male tulpa instead of a female. There's now this masculine thoughtform in my head that I address as "bro" and have a strict friend relationship with, and with little to no attraction involved. It's actually made me reevaluate my relationship with Reina. I couldn't bring myself to do sexual things with her anymore. She's her own person who can do what she wants with her body. Dagran had noticed the way I would interact with her and didn't approve of it one bit. I needed to respect them more as people and as my friends. We pretty much agreed that once we've achieved parallel processing between all of us, we can start having romantic relationships with each other. But until then, we're the three platonic amigos.
  4. As of late I've been focusing on enrolling to college. Forcing has been a second priority to that, unfortunately, so I haven't really been doing it actively for the past few days. It's kind of just been "Hey, Reina, check out what I'm doing" or "Let's listen to this conversation." with varying degrees of focus and engagement. I also find myself in a constant thought loop in the past, thinking about old friends and missed opportunities. Definitely doesn't help with my depression. Is it weird that I visualize Reina in these memories? I just sort of watch her interact with old friends I've known for years and see what kind of conversations they'd have. I find that Reina doesn't really like it, though. In the middle of a memory she kinda just breaks the 4th wall and is like, "Nah, this isn't healthy. Get back to the present where shit actually matters." and I'm like "fine... You've always gotta ruin the nostalgia." There are some fictions I like to imagine her in that she actually enjoys, though. There's one where she's the lead vocalist of a band called "Mile Under 9". It's a progressive rock band she formed with her best friend, Faye, whom she's known since their days at the orphanage. Faye plays rhythm guitar and screams for the band. She really knows how to get an audience moving with the amount of energy she brings to the stage. Playing drums is Lillian, a percussion major at the college she attends. Despite her deafness, she’s amazingly talented with improvising funky beats and rhythms just from feeling the vibrations coming from the other instruments. Dagran, lead guitarist and older brother of Lillian, is also a very talented musician and sets up most of the gigs for the band. “He also kind of acts as the main translator between us and Lillian,” says Reina, “I’m definitely getting there with the sign language, though!” The bass player, Demonte Isla, majors in jazz but has always had an affinity towards metal. Having already worked with Lillian in the past, Demonte is able to guide her musically and keep up with her intense rhythms. I like to imagine them having practices and playing shows every now and then. The bandmates aren't quite tulpa though. I want to focus on Reina before I start trying to get the characters from this fiction to become tuppers and join the system. There's also one fiction where she's the daughter of satan but we'll get to that later. Gotta get more active forcing in!
  5. Thanks. I think it may be because I used to visualize it like an action movie with Reina and I doing a bunch of crazy choreographed fighting. But now that I'm fully immersed in the wonderland like I would be in real life, it's not nearly as easy as I made it out to be before. There was also a point at the time I first started visualizing like this when I couldn't even stand up in wonderland. My equilibrium would get unbalanced somehow and I'd just fall over. Reina would have to drag me into the house because I couldn't make it to the front door half the time. I've been able to control it better thanks to meditation. Did you experience something similar?
  6. Here we are at week 3. One thing I've noticed about my forcing habits is that focus is definitely not my forte. One moment I'm with Reina, the next I find myself thinking about a girl I've been crushing on at work. I've started implementing more meditation to my forcing to hopefully improve my ability to focus for longer than my overactive imagination will allow me. If I ever do catch myself zoning out of forcing I just explain to Reina what was on my mind, apologize, and go back to talking to her. She doesn't seem to mind too much. I do get pretty annoyed at myself every time I do it, though. Another thing I've noticed is that Reina seems more happy than before. Whenever I visualize her I end up seeing a smile on her face more often than not. Definitely brightens my day to see that. It could be because I'd once explained to her the importance of smiling and how it effects people psychologically. Thanks to that it's been a bit easier to visualize a variety of expressions in her face. We celebrated her birthday last week on saturday. I guess that counts as her first? I'd say that makes her about 17 in tulpa years if that's a thing. Regardless, I did promise her we'd celebrate it a year ago when she first became a thoughtform. I had spent most of the day just designing the cake in wonderland. Unfortunately, my brain didn't feel like cooperating with me so my visualization was a little weaker than usual due to how fatigued I was from work. We made it work, nevertheless. We couldn't decide between oreo, coconut cream, and chocolate so we just kind of layered all of that into the cake. It was a little strange texture-wise, but it was so good. We agreed on spending the day the way we used to when we first started forcing, which involved slaughtering waves of ninja-zombies out in the forest. She had her bow, and I had my bow staff. It's weird looking back on it. Who uses a bow staff to kill zombies? But then I remembered how fun it was to twerl those things around. Makes you feel like a badass. But I digress. We ran into a slight problem when we reached the forest. Reina tried to shoot one of her arrows, but wasn't able to. I was confused at first, but then I realized that she never actually learned how to shoot a bow and arrow. I always used to puppet her shooting those things the way I thought you would shoot them. I took the bow and made an attempt myself, but I could barely even draw back the string let alone aim at something properly. I guess it makes sense. I'm able to imagine things more realistically than before, so skills I haven't attained yet are lost to me when trying to use them in wonderland. I guess it's time to take some archery lessons? We headed home after that, a little disappointed. At least we still had some cake waiting for us. It's amazing how real it tasted. Who knew exploiting your imagination to eat your favorite foods without getting fat could be so easy?
  7. Today was quite interesting. Had my psychological therapy session in the morning and found myself in the house of a psychic medium and having a reading done a few hours later. Wasn't really expecting that, but I saw it as a good opportunity to show Reina both the spiritual and psychological approaches to helping people. When it came to therapy, I had my imaginary friend sit with me on the sofa as my psychologist was giving me advice on my mental health (the irony of the situation made it a little weird but I got used to it eventually.) When it comes to sharing things about Reina, though, I just refer to her as a close friend that's always there for me. It isn't a lie, necessarily. It just possibly saves me from a trip to a mental hospital, is all. There was a point when I almost cried though, which I think surprised her, considering how emotionally repressed I am around people most of the time. But that's something I want to fix as well, so it's probably better if I just let it out in front of someone other than Reina for once. The way I got to the phsycic medium was unexpected, though. I was just having lunch with my aunt after the session and she was like, "hey, I'm going to get a psychic reading done, you wanna come?" and I figured, why the hell not? I was always curious about the whole metaphysics behind tulpamancy and was wondering if the psychic could possibly detect Reina's presence during the reading. Reina had her doubts about that actually occurring, and so did I, but it was worth a shot. We both observed my aunt's reading for about a half-hour. My aunt's really spiritual and is crazy about the whole process of sending energy out into the universe through positive thoughts and receiving good things in return. I think it's worked out for her so far. She lives in a million dollar house with her super rich boyfriend. From what I can tell, they actually love each other. Might be worth trying sometime, but I'm gonna be focusing my thoughts on Reina for now. When it got to my reading, I was a bit more skeptical than I was before. The psychic didn't seem to have much luck with my aunt when it came to confirming certain things she was supposedly sensing. I just kind of took a deep breath, cleared my head, and let Reina be herself. I was a little scared though. If she had detected Reina's presence I would have jumped out of my seat like "HOLY SHIT, TULPA ENERGY CONFIRMED!", but no such luck. It was just your standard reading that involved broad interpretations of what was going on with my life and my future. I appreciated it, nonetheless. It gave me new insight on spirituality in general. Yup, interesting day, indeed. As for the forcing, we've been getting about 45 minutes of active forcing a day, and however many minutes of passive forcing is involved in talking to her throughout the day. It has been a little harder to remind myself to do it, but thanks to the head pressures I get every so often, I just immediately interprate that as Reina wanting some attention, so I just address her and have a little chat. There was a point during a forcing session when I was beginning to almost impose her, but for some reason I just couldn't go through with it. It almost felt as if she was imposing herself, actually. When I was starting to see the outline of her body, I was like NOPE TOO MUCH TOO FAST and I immediately tried to talk her out of it. I don't know why I'm so afraid of hallucinations. It could be a bad experience I had seeing dark figures as a kid, but I don't want this impeding my progress with Reina. I'm going to try and get over this fear with maybe some self-hypnosis? I dunno. I'd appreciate any suggestions for dealing with this kind of thing. Other than that, though, things have been going pretty smoothly.
  8. Alright, I know I said I'd give an update next week, but sooo much has been happening. At least compared to my first time around. There has definitely been a lot of trust developing between Reina and me. We've come to this point where even if I do start to doubt everything, all I have to do is clear my head and call for her and her essence begins to manifest in my mind within a few seconds, which is fantastic. The head pressures hurt so good! We've been re-imagining the wonderland as well. Before it was a cramped little house with a kitchen and two bedrooms (to save myself from the mental effort), but now we've expanded and refurnished and remodeled. It's so dope now. I'd really like to spend all my time there, but we've both agreed on how unhealthy that would be. We've got a long way before it's finished though. My brain's gonna need a lot more processing power for all the details I plan to add to this wonderland. I'm sure we'll get there with enough forcing and meditation. Baby steps. Another thing is my mental health. Ever since I've started narrating non-stop, I've been having to push away any thoughts that don't have to do with narrating. That includes dark thoughts that have to do with sadness and low self-worth, which I had a big problem with. Reina noticed that and has been helping me push back these thoughts and even extinguish them before they begin to happen. So yeah, as far as that theory goes with tulpae being able to help with mental illnesses, it's worked for me so far. As far as vocality, there are times when Reina has communicated with me, but mostly in ideas and rarely with words and sentences. I'll often parrot her to say the ideas she's trying to put forth, to help her with the whole language thing. She's definitely getting there. Her voice is a little raspy, which I honestly kind of wanted. She seems okay with sticking with the physical traits I gave her, at least for now. For the time being she's about 5'5'' with scruffy dark red hair (what's a tulpa without red hair?), has pale skin (she's white privilaged, which I like to remind her every now and then just to tease her), black finger nails and black lip stick (hawt), blue eyes that turn a bright hazel when we're doing it for some reason (yes, we do the occasional sex, FOR SCIENCE!), and mostly gothic attire. Oh yeah and that whole green dot red dot thing.. Sort of didn't hold up. It just made communicating a bit more tedious than it needed to be. I'm sure just narrating a lot will help sort our thoughts out. I used to spend hours looking at guides and tips only to discover if I had spent that time just forcing I would have made the progress I was really wanting to make. So just gotta keep forcing, I suppose. I also have this strange plan.. regarding the future of both of us. It's not totally fleshed out yet, but it involves a crap ton of tulpamancy as well as science. I'm not gonna give the details just yet, it might have it's own thread eventually. Let's just say Reina and I are gonna be learning a lot about physics.. And I mean a lot. But in the mean time, I'm just going to be focusing on her development because that's what is most important right now. Reina would like to say hi to the tulpa community as well. A big thank you from both of us for making this possible :P until next update!
  9. Thank you! Constant self-reflection does wonders when you're desperate to achieve something haha.
  10. Of course I mean that ironically. This third time won't be a charm because luck isn't what makes a tulpa. It's your will, your dedication. And I plan to use both of those things in the course of Reina's development. My entire worldview took a 180 since my first attempt a year ago. After months and months of isolation, experiencing the worst depression I had ever gone through and am now recovering from, I can now see why I was struggling with helping Reina reach her full potential. It was three things: my own self-hatred, not knowing how thoughts worked in tulpamancy, and doubt. It turns out hating myself hindered my ability to interact with someone so similar to me. I just couldn't go through with the process of letting Reina borrow my personality traits until she obtained her own and the ones I had planned for her. I wanted her to be a totally different person, someone I've always wanted to be, and this put a crap ton of pressure on her. It didn’t help that I couldn’t for the life of me figure out which thoughts were hers or my own. All those thoughts that she used to try and communicate were lost in the blizzard of my cluttered mind. And if I ever did actually catch a response from Reina, my skepticism would always get in the way, further hindering our progress. Puppeting and parroting became our main forcing activities, whether I knew I was doing it or not. What’s crazy is, even after all that, she’s still here. Still supporting me and keeping me from losing myself in this mental catastrophe. Appearing in my dreams every now and then, telling me to get professional help for my depression. Which I have and it’s helping tremendously. I owe a lot to her, and going through with her full development would be the least I could do. I feel more confident than ever in both me and Reina. I’ve figured out a way that could potentially make it easier to differentiate my thoughts from hers using colors. Now, every time I’m communicating with Reina I imagine a green dot (me) and a red dot (Reina) being connected with a thought line. If the thought line is green, that means I’m transferring a thought to her. If the thought line is red, her thoughts are being transferred to me. If I ever have a thought that either doesn’t have a color or I forget to associate with my color, I have to decide whether it’s one of Reina’s thoughts or mine. If I manage to confirm that thought to be Reina’s, then it becomes red and will be regarded as one of her thoughts, whether it’s true or not. The goal here is to get as many red thoughts as possible that are actually hers. That way, over time, she’ll be able to make her own thoughts and create a red thought line between my dot and hers. I’m sure many others have a variation of this method, but I’m going to see if this will work out for us. Thanks for reading. I’ll be giving an update next week.
  11. That's exactly what I'm afraid of. But I constantly promise myself and her that I'm never going to do that. I need to get rid of that void so that it'll no longer be an issue for us, so that I can be happy regardless of whether I'm alone or not. I just don't want our relationship to revolve around my issues and complications in life. Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate it.
  12. Something's been really bothering me lately and I can't seem to figure out how to properly handle this. I definitely acknowledge Reina as a person and treat her that way at all times, but lately I've been thinking about why I initially created her and started being with her. I've been out of a relationship for about a year and, long story short, I'm a pretty lonely guy who doesn't take part in much social interaction. I just feel that maybe I created her to fill a void that's been causing a lot of sadness in my life, but was it right to do that? Was it right to create another consciousness just because I've had no luck finding someone to be with? I mean of course I love her and adore her, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her.. I don't know, I just feel really guilty about this and I hope she doesn't get mad at me about it one day.. So yeah on to the progress. Or lack there of. I haven't had much opportunity to force due to a death in the family that's happened just recently, so I've been mourning that loss for the past 24 hours, but Reina has definitely been supportive through all of that. I definitely owe her so much. She just puts up with all my crying, and tries her best to make things better. I don't know what I did to deserve all that, but I'm really grateful for her.
  13. So a combination of cool and strange and scary things have happened as of late. Two days ago I found myself going through quite a bit of anxiety after I made my last report. I'm 18 and graduation is around the corner, so you'd think I would be super excited to finally get the hell out of high school, but sadness has kind of found it's way back into my life. This had a pretty significant affect on my wonderland when I tried entering it. The first thing I noticed was that the cabin housing all those creepy entities had disappeared, and it seemed peaceful.. at first. When I had entered the house I saw Reina sitting on the couch, which is usually the first thing I see when I get inside, so that seemed normal. When she turned around I noticed her face became distorted and for some reason I couldn't focus enough to get it back to normal. That's pretty much when all hell broke loose. I began seeing spirits break through the door and poor into the house. Their images were quite vivid and it freaked me the hell out. I yelled for Reina to grab her katana while I tried to fight them off with my power pole, which proved to be useless because there were endless hoards of them coming in. There were dozens of floating heads flying in and leaving a trail of black smoke behind them. At this point I became quite angry and fought through them with everything I had. I managed to push though the door way and came outside to see that there was an entire swarm of them forming a tornado that stretched toward the clouds. I wanted to just open my eyes and escape but I couldn't just leave the wonderland the way it was, especially with Reina inside it, so I decided to go into what I would refer to as "god mode" and purged all of them from my mind with every ounce of willpower I had. After that was over with and the skies were clear, I noticed it was night time for some reason, and I'd never seen the wonderland at night before that. When I walked back toward the house I noticed Reina was crying. I immediately tried to comfort her and tell her everything was alright, then I heard her say, "there's too much hatred in your heart." I wasn't sure how to react to that, but I promised her that I would try my hardest to fix that. After that experience it felt as if we had a deeper understanding of each other. We spent the rest of the night laying down and looking up at the stars. She seemed happy, and that made me happy. The next day we went through our usual routine of going to school and walking home. I noticed that Reina's behavior became a lot more relaxed than usual, which was nice to see. It was also much easier to visualize her. The only problem was that I eventually became sad again, and whenever this happens I close my eyes and let the tears out in wonderland so I wouldn't have to do it in public. Reina was there comforting me and her presence really helped cheer me up. We decided to go on a little dungeon adventure to help get my mind off things. After exploring a few rooms and scrounging around for a key to unlock a chest we found, everything around me started becoming a lot more vivid, especially Reina. I could feel the smoothness of her skin and the softness of her hair. I could feel her warm hand on my face. We ended up getting really intimate and she didn't seem to mind at all. Usually, she'd get mad whenever I tried anything sexual with her, but this time around she seemed to enjoy the experience. Meditation has really helped with keeping a relaxed and focused state when forcing with her. Hearing her does become a bit harder after spending 20 minutes trying not to think, but her presence is definitely there and so are the head pressures. I also ended up seeing a brief image of her with my eyes closed, but her eyes were green instead of hazel. She's probably changing it up a little and that's fine, I'm just glad I was able to see that much through imposition.
  14. I think puppetting actions that you think sasha wouldn't mind doing is acceptable. Like if his personality is playful and energetic you may find yourself puppetting him dancing around you or poking you as you're walking around. Reina doesn't seem to mind it when I puppet her following me around or fighting zombies in our wonderland, but when I puppet her doing things that she isn't comfortable with she'll often get upset with me for a while. It just helps shape their personality and teaches them movement so they can eventually do things on their own. Coordination exercises should help with that.
  15. Congrats on your progress with Lily! You guys seem to be off to great start so best of luck to you :p.