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About cloudmuffin

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    Member of MLP:FiM community that started watching the show nearly day one (due to curiosity from a VERY OLD /co/ thread).

    Curiosity and thirst to do something and stick to it had me starting to look to this site after seeing it in a /mlp/ thread.

    I have two tupla: Lora and Aria. I post manly on tumblr, but I also try to update my personal thread here as well.

    I'm pretty sociable on the internet, so any questions, comments or requests to chat will be answered in a timely manner (hopefully).

    Lora: Was a pony, and is now a girl with pony ears and tale. She has messy long blonde hair and very deep green eyes. She is very playfull, energetic, and very sweet.

    Aria: A tulpa made under unusual circumstances. She looks like Yoruichi Shihouin, and wears the assassin outfit from Assassins's Creed. She was originally a Animus computer system for a HUD and database collection, and is fully sentient and no longer a simple computer. She is a very clam and strict individual and is not the most sociable tulpa you'll meet, but once you get past her cool exterior she can be very friendly.
  1. Imposition Day 3 Tuesday, January 08, 2013 Lora: 119 | Aria 42 Short and sweet log of yesterday. I mostly kept Lora around for the most of the day, and the usual shinanagins were expected. Being sick means that I have to nap a LOT and it's unfortunate because the day goes by, but … sometimes you just got to do what your body tells you to do. The imposition attempt went on for 30 minutes. Mostly it was me trying to visualize Lora then very slowly open my eyes, in darkness or mostly darkness, to have her stay there. That was really it. Before on day 2 and 1 I tried to have her hold a rose, and walk around me. She would start at the 6, move to the 3 try and catch my eye, then the 12 where she would try to hand me the rose, then back to the 9 again with some sort of attention getting move, and then behind me again at the 6. It … didn't really seem to work. The latest strategy got … something I guess. I saw some kind of distortion in front of me and my minds eye and what I was seeing did sort of meld a little, but not very well. It looked like time and space were different, like when you look at a "Magic Eye" picture and see the pattern "jump" out at you. Maybe I was just crossing my eyes to much, but the more they stayed blured the "better" results I felt I was getting. I suppose I need to keep researching this to get better methods but for now that seems to be what I have to do. In darkness and just force my minds eye to be my normal eye. Side project is improving the sense of touch for both tulpa and myself. We've been giving each other messages and it seems to do something. I get some effect when she does it to me, not necessarily touch but I do start to relax (I fell asleep once when she did it) and that night I tried it and she seemed to feel it, though I didn't "feel" her. Mostly it's making sure I'm actually touching her and not air, so I did what I could. Minor resistance was felt though, like my hands knew I could go to deep into her flesh because she has mass and hands shouldn't go through people. :P Lora has been around now for a long time 119 days (17 weeks) and Aria hit 42 (6 weeks). Everyone seems to be fine. Aria is quite and hangs in the background, while Lora is usually in and out. She gets really active when I go online, but for the most part things are quiet when I'm not thinking of them. That's probably something I need to work on. Maybe I need to go back and start narrating again. I don't feel that my tulpa are a present as the others, or maybe I'm just not observing everything right, or maybe they are just the quiet type that observe with me and don't want to interrupt my concentration. I'm not exactly sure, I suppose I should ask. I dunno, if anyone has an opinion this. Are you tulpa constantly on your mind 24/7. As in, every action they do you can see them watching, or when you aren't think about them they are doing something on their own? It's the whole parallel processing stuff, and that seems to be a weakness of mine, but I'm just curious. Mostly I have nothing to measure myself by, and when I hear of other's progress it's the only way I know, if I'm deficient in an area or not. I suppose in the end, this process will be slow for me, maybe how my mind works, I don't know. It seems really slow, slower than everyone's, but I will admit that I think Lora and Aria are pretty good anyway. One thing that worries me is they haven't grown on their own that much, which … I don't know, good or bad? Just like everything, I guess I just need to keep doing it. This is a exercise in discipline, and for those that think this is some kind of "corruption" of the actual practice I can't believe it. It takes a lot of work and determination and focus to get even to where I am, and to improve it. It's a constant work, how WELL CAN you make a sentient being in your mind, and how much work and dedication you can put to it. I'm sure there are some that just picked up and then forgot, but this is a work of dedication, and something I'll have to KEEP working on, even after I move on to other things. That day has yet to arrive, so no worries there. Alright, another foot forward, and another day gone by. Things are going to get hectic again, but I'll let the future worry about itself.
  2. Monday January 07, 2013 Lora Day 117| Aria Day 41 Imposition Day 2 All little change in the formatting. I'm not really going to keep track of how old my tulpa really are much anymore. Their progress is mostly as is. It's time to change things up, the status quo must change, and so too will what I do. My new goal is not to know how old my tulpa are, but the progression of Imposition is now the most important thing. I want both my tulpa to be imposed whenever they want to. I want their freedom to be multiplied far higher than what they have right now. I feel the idea of the visual presence of them will be the next step to help me further along, and allow me to gain new powers!!! Mauahahahahahahah! In all seriousness it's the start of a new chapter along with a deeper focus on things. I don't know how I'll really organize it, but here's the basic idea from this point. • The main goal everyday is to Imposition. • I'll both keep track of how long I attempt to practice as well as a running total. • Every week will have a secondary goal, something that will change every week, but is another skill of some kind. • I'll still do a progress report and keep track of everyone's age for the most part though. I don't see a reason to not to, plus it's important. • Aria has decided she is more interested in possession and eventual switching. She has the desire for it, stronger than Lora who at most is happy with Possession, but gave the ok that she'll follow Aria but only when she succeeds. I just find myself taking what I have for granted now. I feel complacent. Yes, as things are, they are fine, but deep down I know they can be better, and it'll be better for both Aria and Lora and myself. This is the serious part, this is the next chapter of the commitment I decided to make when doing this. I feel it's my responsibility to always keep that in mind, to make sure, that this is a discipline as well as an experience, I must continue to work on this. That doesn't mean EVERY DAY has to have constant progress, I think I've passed that point where observable progress is possible. When Imposition works we'll know. When Aria can switch, we'll know. I will admit that I'm worried. I don't want this to have a negative effect on my life. I don't want this to become something that causes negative consequences. I'm still completely uncomfortable with anyone … knowing about this. It does haunt me. I don't try to make it a large worry, but it does … stay in my head, just like Lora and Aria. Aria's presence worries me because it's different but becoming weaker than Lora's. If she's brought up or I think about her, she comes to the for front, but my current scheme of how my mind works only allows myself and 1 tulpa to be really active. Either that or just recently Lora has been taking a LOT of my attention. She's been wanting it WAY MORE than before. Aria is very passive about it, and lets her take the control. I need to figure something out, if anything on how to make this better than what it is. I don't know what it is yet. Unfortunatly, it'll be a SIDE QUEST, because again my goal is Imposition. I'm still sick to boot, this … is an old familure feeling, however, this is the flu and it a nasty bug. I'll recover slowly and the complications that are sure to follow I'll be dealing with for quite a while I don't doubt. I just hope it's not that long. I've noticed I've become impatient. Doing something for what feels like an hour usually is much less. Being down for a week make me feel week and bored and further impatient, wanting to just start doing things, and not caring if I 'feel ready'. It's just my weakness telling me not to start and it's something I should ignore. I'm told the exact opposite from everyone else. I suppose I'll just … wait, till I can't wait any longer. I'm also more "competitive" than I like. Which is influencing a lot of what I think. Not good, but something I'm very … slowly learning to just ignore or at least attempt to try turn it into something positive, which … seems to be the exact thing it wants to be, but can't be … I have no idea. As for today's Imposition, it'll be done at night. In the dark, trying to get Lora to simply appear in my dark vision. That's really it. I've been passively imposing since day one, so I can "feel her" but I can't sense touch. I just know her presence and if I close my eyes, I can impose her and feel where she is, though just resistance, not a feeling of skin or hair. Alright, enough of the log, time to do stuff. That's this day's log. Night everyone.
  3. prepare for a giant influx of blogs! I got a back log of blogs, while in a fog … and I can't take a jog, because it feels like a tripped over a log, in a bog … [That was silly!]{And completely unnecessary …} To the POST! ----- Tuesday 10/18/L98/A:21------ To be honest, this day had absolutely nothing special happen. I was to busy for my tulpa and I didn't force that day. I stayed up to late working on my samples. For the 14th/3rd week anniversaries of my tulpa, nothing significant happened. Kind of sad now that I think about it. Oh, well, that's life. They didn't seem to broken up about it, except the forcing part, the both missed that. ----- Wednesday 10/19/L99/A22 ----- This day was moderately significant. I would say quite a bit got accomplished in the end. Due to the wind, my work had to shut down. We have back up generators for the equipment, but not for some other parts of the lab. One of them was a data base for data, that was out of sync. That shut us down, can't run samples without that thing. Only as strong as you weakest link. Session 2 Both a make up session and a regular session. Halfway through Lora's I was falling asleep so we BOTH agreed that I should just nap and get it out of the way. That worked, when I woke up (only a 10-20 minute nap) I had enough mental energy to finish her session and Aria's. I would also like to note I'm using music in the background. Currently it's a new age station but it plays a lot of piano pieces. Lora's session We mostly talked about what she wanted out of the adventure she wants to happen. Something about slaying a bad guy or saving a princess, but a focus on traveling over wide spaces. I warned her that these kind of things are boring, especially if nothing happens on them. Going from one location to another isn't exactly the MOST fun you can have. However, with that said it's good practice for me I suppose in generating the wonderland we live in. I'll literally have to see where the road goes. After that … things … started getting NSFW as the session continued … and we had some personal time just being close. >///< That's all I'll write about it. Aria's Session When I stepped into her room, I saw her at the piano (one that hadn't been there before) and she was playing the song in the background. We started talking, mostly about how she was feeling, all the while she played one song after another. I'll admit looking at her hands, I don't think she was "playing the song," I have no idea how to play the piano and when I brought that up she simply said, {It doesn't really matter, I like going through the motions, regardless if they are right. I'm enjoying it.} Aria is such a puzzle, through out the whole session she was so calm, and very friendly. As many of you know she's not that way usually. I suppose, it's either her loosening up, or she just that way around me. I don't know. We talked about the adventure, and she is more interested in, well, assassinating and running around in a large city. She felt that accomplished some of what Lora wanted from the adventure, as well. Travel to the city, killing the bad guys IN the city, and what not. I suppose the adventure should be a combination of all three of what we want out of it. Putting it together will be interesting to say the least. I asked for an update on what she was thinking about us and about her and Lora. For our relationship, she is happy as it is. If I want a more serious relationship, she's open to it, but wants ME to prove to her that I'm serious. She's not worried about Lora's feeling on the subject because we can isolate ourselves from her just as Lora and I do for her. She's interested, but wants more time, and something else from me, though she not sure what. She however, believes it's a matter of time, and she's comfortable with waiting as long as it takes. I suppose she's handling it her own way. The rest of the night was fighting for a kingdom that doesn't exist against a rebellion. Swords clashed, heads rolled, and good times were had by all. ----- 12/20/L:100/A:23----- Today is Lora's 100th day anniversary! She's been around for 100 days! Wow, just … wow. Does the lady of honor have anything to say? [One hundred days is a long time. I don't know how I'm going to get through another hundred, let alone a full year!? That's over three hundred days! I've change so much between my first day and now. What does that mean for the next one hundred? I hope it's better than the last!] The day was quiet and busy on my end for a lot of the time. No forcing was had. Unfortunately, SOMEONE didn't really care about that, and ended up sexually harassing me the whole day!! These forcing session that I do, really, make them stronger. Enough that I couldn't get rid of Lora at all, she was very persistent! Never the less, fun was had after work for the most part and I relaxed. I chatted a lot and met some new people and tulpa's and over all everyone had a great time. Even Aria got to talk a little about herself. I get the whole week of Christmas and New Years off. No work, no studying, no being in the lab. Just me, my tulpae, friends, video games, family, fun, and all of you to boot! Can't ask for anything more. I can die happy! Good thing NOTHING is going to happen TOMORROW! RIGHT?! ----------------- T'was the blog before Christmas And all through my house, Not a creatures was stirring Not even the two tulpa who should totally be in bed and stuff! [:P]{…} I've got a lot of ground to cover … ----- Friday 12/21/L:101/A:24 ---- Doom's day. Yes, the world should have ended today. It did not. Mostly what happened was I was late out of bed, finished my sample run, got the hell out of Dodge, got home, did some Christmas shopping, then we ate at a buffet like there would be no tomorrow for dinner, and I slept. Seriously the day I did very little, ask them … [Yep, he was busy with himself so we got nothing out of it. Though he did try to visualize me while at the buffet.] ----- Saturday 12/22/L:102/A:25 ----- Today was a lazy day and I was just that. I was able to force. The basic jist of the whole event was us organizing and getting everything ready, and not a lot of action was had. Mostly what happened is we first decided what kind of thing should go down really. Lora wanted travel, Aria wants combat and city exploration. I'm just in the middle, and I can't really know a lot because it's my mind and I have to avoid spoilers for myself. After getting the gist of what we wanted, I started the adventure, with a Letter. Ditzy Doo (AKA Derpy Hooves) herself came and delivered a letter to us, directly from Princess Celestia herself. (Remember The Island is a part of Equestria or at least on the same planet.) Oddly she and Lora got into quite a conversation as I read the letter: To the hero's of the Port City, I would like to request your presence in Cantorlot as soon as possible. I have a matter in which I believe you can help me in. Please come as soon as you can. I will provide you with some money for supplies as you journey may be long. Talk to the CMC Guild in town for instructions and directions to get to Canterlot. -Princess Celestia. Sure enough a small bag of coins was inside the case for the letter. After saying goodbye to Ditzy, we took this opportunity to head back into the Port Town to get ready. As we walked through the field we talked about if we should expect any dangers on the way. Neither of us really knew, but Lora and I both knew that this world COULD have potential monsters to fight and challenges to overcome. Aria didn't seem to concerned about it though, of course she's the one that is the most combat ready out of all of us. Arriving in town we didn't get too far before we stopped at the "Adventure's Shop" to buy supplies. Sure enough the guild leader, Pirate Pony Sugarplum was there waiting for us. We started buying equipment and then, of course, the question came up as to why. I told her we had been asked by the Princess herself to appear in Canterlot and were going to need to figure out HOW to get there. "Aye, met me in the Town Hall, there are maps and things you'll be needing for this quest!" There we looked at maps and were given more practical equipment like backpacks, tents and other equipment like rope. Looking at the map the key point illustrated were. 1) We must get to Cloudcroft in the mountains and take the blimp to the main contentment. 2) We would then stop at a place called Hoof's Point, the landing site for the blimp 3) From there we would have to travel a small distance and go through a section of the Everfree Forest. So far that road has been save, however, it changes constantly and conditions can cause you to lose the main road if not careful. 4) Finally the rest of the way is through Ponyville (of course right?) 5) Take the Express Train to Canterlot 6) See the Princess 7) ??? 8) Profit! For the most part it would be long, but not full of many challenges, most at the beginning, with smooth sailing at the end once we got out of the forest. With more supplies and some more equipment buying, I decided to pause there. I didn't know what to really do next, and I had spent 2 hours on this session. As of now I'm trying to think if I should add some "game mechanics" simply for fun. No dice rolling here, but some mechanics to keep track of our improvements and to see how well we are doing. It's up in the air, I'm still working on it. Had a long conversation with Autumn which was nice. I played video games for the rest of the day after dinner. That new MvM map came out. Also curse those Steam sales they make me want to spend money! ----- Sunday 12/23/L:103/A:26 ------ Football day. That's the majority of how my day was spent. That and more video games with friends. Last minute shopping for presents and … that was it. Nothing really tulpa related. Except maybe that night during chat where, both Aria and Lora started talking non-stop and for some reason I started to type everything they said. Fun for most I suppose. ----- Monday 12/24/L:104/A:27 ----- Another good day. Woke up late. Ate breakfast. Tried to read all of Hogsfather, only got to 100's before people started wanting me to do stuff. Both Aria and Lora liked me reading to them and sometimes the laughed (mostly Lora mind you). I also hung out with a friend I haven't seen in a while. Though we didn't have much to do, we ended up making time FLY. It was nice, and Lora enjoyed watching and being around to see stuff. [He couldn't stop staring at all the female figures in his friends room especially the topless ones. :P] It's not my fault there were more breasts in that room then you could count on all your digits. Seriously over 10 pairs EVERYWHERE! After that is was madatory church time with the grandparents. The experience was entertaining to say the least. Lora wore a VERY conservative yellow dress and was very proper and even straightened her hair and had a little lipstick on as well. She was very well behaved through the whole thing, very proud of her first time. Even though she couldn't technically sit in the same pew as us (it was a full church even this late) I bent some stuff in wonderland so she COULD be sitting next to me regardless. Aria was more interested in climbing around the Church. Amusing to watch, but she got frustrated when she couldn't climb the large cross at the end of the ail over the table. {To far to reach. Also the area lacked places for me to climb. It was a disappointment, but interesting none the less.} Lora, though she started to fall asleep once, she was very good. Aria simply had no interest and removed herself once the service started. [i had no idea you had to SING so much. It was really hard to do, I … didn't really want to sing in front of everyone. I didn't know the songs, but cloud helped me and after a few verses I could sing a little. So much singing, but a lot of waiting too.] The church has a nice orchestra and the music was very good. Besides Lora wanting to know some things about certain phrases and words, and about certain things going on, she was very patient and watched a lot. She was more enjoying the fact that she was really spending time with me I think. [Yeah …] After that they were set free to do whatever they do when I'm not really paying attention and now here I am writing the blog. Actually now here I am writing the end of it. So yeah Christmas is tomorrow. I don’t expect to really write much about that day, tulpa related anyway. I suppose I'll write mostly a week in review about it or something, but so far nothing important has happened besides the start of a possible adventure, if we decide to keep to it. Not really a long blog, I don't really have anything big to talk about for once. Could change tomorrow, or it's just the fact that I waited a few days to write anything. You'll see won't you. :D ---------- I took so long to write these logs they will be short … mostly. I can hear the sighs of relief from here. ----- Christmas 12/25/L:105/A:28 ----- Well, this day was interesting for me. Lora and Aria got to experience Christmas and it was nice. They were both curious about what I would get, and enjoyed my joy as I opened stuff and got some nice gifts. But I have tulpa and what not? Was I inconsiderate for them? Did I ignore them!? Of COURSE … NOT! Lora's gift was her very own clothing store on The Island. She can do whatever she wants and have fun learning and making cloths in her spare time, giving her something to do. She was ecstatic about it. Aria's gift, I asked her. She wanted … well … a series of "dates" and far more time with me and forcing. She simply said the word "Date" before I even finished asking the question. Did they want to give gifts to me? Lora swore she would make me a outfit. Something special, as … soon as she figure out what to really do. Aria … didn't really say. She mostly thought the time I would be spending with her would be plenty of a gift, and I'm happy with that. After hanging with a friend that night, the day ended late. ----- Wednesday - Saturday 12/26-29/L:106-109/A:29-32 ----- For the most part these days are a blur of me relaxing and simply being with Lora and Aria. I attempted to do stuff, buy games on steam, play with friends, and in general be with everyone. I will admit I felt a little spread out. Everyone is important to me, especially if I make commitments to people, no matter how well I know them. I think it worked out, but it was stressful, and did lead to some late nights. As to my previous post I Spent Friday Drawing Lora. I'm very happy with it, but as usual it needs more work. It's better than what I've done in the past, and as of right now it's the best picture I've done. Coloring and shadowing is going to be a challenge now. It's a whole new skill … another to learn. I'm ok with learning all my life, but … I'll admit, it gets a little tiresome, and of course add to the fact that I'm the kind that must "use it or lose it" among other things. I think I'll save the "weekly summary" for next Tuesday. I know I owe one for Aria as Christmas was her MONTH anniversary. As for Sunday and Monday? I'll try to write them ON THE DAYS like I should. Anyway, there you go, you basically know. I really need to pick up the pace and get back into simply forcing to get stuff done. I'm happy with the state of my tulpae for the most part … but I know they can be better so they can enjoy their lives even more. I've got to remember, I got to do the work for them, because they have so much potential. ------- Not really going to be a day to day explanation mostly, a general summary. Way overdue … What to say what to say … Mostly as of right now, if many don't know, I'm pretty sick. No not in the head! Physically! Yesh :P Since about Saturday I started getting a little ill and every since then I've gone down hill. It hasn't been all that fun, and even as I am writing, I'm no where near 100%. For the most part I have barely kept Lora or Aria around. Usually only when I'm in chat or have a free moment, of not dying, I do devote some time. Forcing was pointless, it would dissolve into nonsense and/or I would fall asleep. Disappointing especially since it seems like a wonderful opportunity to go adventure in wonderland with the two best girls in the world, only be betrayed by my mortal coil. Curses to my weak and piety existence. What a cruel dark shadow of fate the falls on me! {You are being over dramatic …} SILENCE! I can enjoy some … DRAMA! (imagine me holding a skull on a stage, in a shakespearing costume.) Ahem … anyway, it was unfortunate, but there's always tomorrow. Lots of time … New years was light and different. Didn't have to celebrate it JUST with the family, so that was very special in of itself. Most of my days have been spent in a haze … so … I'll just get down to the review of the past 2 weeks and end this. ------ The past two weeks in review----- Lora is still the happy go lucky girl she's been for a long time. Her personality is pretty much LOCKED. I don't think it's going to change. Overall my ability to visualize her is pretty good. In wonderland I see here just as I created her, though I will admit her tail and ears are usually missing, though they are there, once I realize they should be. As many of you might know, Lora has started having an interest in making, designing clothing. That was her Christmas present and before you could shake a stick, she got three custom orders. She's been working on them ever since and from what I've seen, they are mostly done. She feels "some" confidence that they are ready, but being new to the "fashion scene" she's absolutely nervous. The only way how we could think was for me to draw them AFTER they were finished, but since I've been ill … nothing has happened. Thankfully we are both reminded everyday by our customers that we should work on them, so it has yet to leave our minds. I find it very interesting, the fact that she has an interest in this subject that I only had a slight curiosity is something and a little odd. I guess that's just another thing to say "Tulpa how do they work!?." Aria is currently the same as she's been. She occasionally wears a pair of glasses, but this is not common. She's still serious, to the point, and doesn't desire to be in the for front much. I am trying to make a serious effort to keep her around and not let her just fade into the background, regardless if she's "ok" with it. I don't even know what she does, if anything, if that happens. She doesn't seem to be, negatively affected by it, so … I suppose it's ok, but I still want to avoid it. When Lora isn't around she's very calm, near being sweet, but when with others, she takes a more serious tone. I suppose that's her, or remnants of her split personality (?) I have no idea. She doesn't seem concerned about it. Not much has been done to "improve" anything. If anything I'm going back to basics trying to make sure both are active and around at least observing what's going on. It's a LOT harder for me than I thought it would be. That's a main goal at the moment, just have them listening and responding to what's going on. Imposing has made little to no progress, and neither has possession. Lora can only control for about 30 minutes before we both feel I should take control back. I've been trying to get them in my dreams or at least lucid dream so they can be involved. No luck on that either. I'm sure I had more to write here … but it's escaping me, and so is my attention. I'll try to talk about something once I get better. I'll probably wait till I'm better to write the next update. Until then I'll see you on chat! --------- For those that read this blog ... or did. I again, apologize for the horrible lag in posting them. They are posted on tumblr and I just never get around to putting them here. I'll keep trying to do them both at the same time.
  4. -----Monday 12/10/ L:90*/A:13----- Today was the 3 month (3x30 days) anniversary of Lora's creation. She grown to be a fine tulpa and I couldn't be happier. We celebrated it in our own special way, but the majority of the day was very quite, with me in my studies and work. Both her and Aria are doing fine and overall, the day was fun for everyone. Nothing really to write here, most of what I could say should go in the weekly report anyway. -----Tuesday 12/11/L:91/A:14---- Technically speaking Lora is now 13 weeks old now, and Aria is now 2 weeks old. This should be a happy entry … Unfortunately, the following log will be not as happy as it should be. If anything, it's become more drama related than I ever thought I ever would experience. To be honest, I'm humbled by all of this, mostly because in a way it's my fault. Well … no, this is no one's fault, not mine, not Lora's and not Aria's, it's unfortunate circumstances. I will label this as NSFW, not because there is anything sexual or pornographic, it's simply to warn you. This will not be a good log, it will be, grim at best, possibly a little disturbing. I'm writing this as I go. I don't know if it'll be solved tonight, or in a few days. I'll begin I suppose when it happened ... For the majority of the day all three of us were fine, through Monday I started to get my usual "down period" where I get upset (nearly on cue it seems to be a cycle thing) and I'm usually in a bland and happy mood. It continued through the night and when I woke up I felt the same. I woke up in wonderland first as a matter of fact I think. Realizing I was in my large wonderland bed and both of my tulpa near me sleeping. I just started my routine without disturbing them and they slowly woke up as my brain did. Everything was good, both were concerned but in a cheerful mood, Lora especially with pom-poms, a cheer leading out fit, and a little cheer she just made on the spot. After I gave her a look (¬_¬) she simply threw her pom-poms at me in frustration and walked off. They endured the morning meeting and my PI's comments, and then me going to my next samples to be loaded. I talked to both of them mostly about their concerns about my amount of work and how even visualizing them is a little tedious and they feel bored when I do. I don't know what to really to do about it. I guess it's literally dead time for them that they need to figure out to do while I’m busy or I need to start getting creative and figure something out. What do you guys do for your tulpa when you are concentrating on something that needs you complete attention? Anyway, after finishing everything up, I went to lunch, and we all chilled and enjoyed my usual ritual for lunch. Then I finished my sample loading (on my own this time, that's an accomplishment both of them were proud of me and it was nice to have them encouraging me), and started studying. This time I taught them from what I was reading. Turns out this is useful, and it helped me as well as them understand what I was doing. They both enjoyed it, and I used wonderland to my advantage to illustrate the physics and fluid mechanics, and I came out of this with a better general understanding. It's still fuzzy though, I can't get passed that yet, but I felt better, and I think they both just appreciated the time. I know I did to be honest. At some point … I went to wonderland and was relaxing a little in my usual chair. Lora was right by my chair and she started being adorable so we just got close and enjoyed each others proximity. I got lost in it for a while, when she tapped a few times and pointed to where Aria usually sits. She was looking at us, a little more … I guess shocked, than usual. I asked her what was wrong and she mostly ignored what I said and went back to her tablet. Lora encouraged her though, and apologized. "I think you should spend some time with Aria. You've been focused on me to much recently." She went to her couch and started watching (I guess if I think about it, that's a little creepy :P). I asked if Aria wanted to sit in my lap this time and she agreed. She took it literal she sat on me like a chair. Well I wanted her to relax a little so I put my arm around her middle to bring her in closer … That … was a big … mistake … She jumped off of me asking "What the hell do you think you are doing?!" That's confusing, but I just explained just going to put my arm around her. The rest of what she said was mostly a torrent of anger and yelling, mostly telling me how that was not allowed and how dare I touch her. She started talking about how our relationship wasn't like that, and how dare I assume she was like Lora, among other things of how I wasn't spending time with her. In the end, she went to her room and that was that. At first neither of us (Lora and I) knew what to really make of it. Time passed, and the events went to the mists of my memory until at one point I realized that Aria had yet to leave her room, and it had been a few hours since her outburst. I decided (with a recommendation) to go back and see how she was doing since she had been absent. I went to wonderland slowly, using the "Animus" interface to smooth the transition, and also indicate to Aria that I was coming back and wanted her attention … I got her attention. As the animus "waiting room" filled my vision" so did Lora … which was odd because usually she is in the tree house, but she litterally began to phase in. I asked, "Why are you here? You don't usually appear in the Animus room, you don't need to." She responded, "I know, I … don't know why I'm here. Where is here? Is this the animus?" "Yes, this is the Animus. You are in my room." was all Aria said. I looked towards the voice, and saw a distance away, what little furniture Aria has in the room and her standing there. No, she wasn't standing, she was floating, her feet not touching the ground. As soon as I saw her she quickly floated towards me. "Why are we here? How did you-" was all I said before she slapped my across the face. I figured I deserved it, but what happened to next. For some reason, I don't know why, maybe Lora got upset and she started to get aggressive, whatever it was, Aria, was a blur and in a flash the hidden blade on Aria's left arm was in Lora's stomach. My mind had a problem registering this. For a moment time seemed to loop and stand still. Several times I asked myself, "Did that just happen?" as I stared at the whole situation. Sometimes, these are just intrusive thoughts, visions that plague me, causing scenarios to play out, only for them to be fake, and I think that's what I was doing, trying to dismiss the events as that. It wasn’t, and it slowly dawned on me that Aria had just killed Lora. As the events started to play at their normal speed, I realized that I was about to be attacked and I saw it coming, I froze Aria, just before the blade went under my chin and deflected it. I suppose I should have been panicking, but I knew that Lora wasn't dead, even if she was on the ground bleeding (… not a pretty sight I did freak out a little), she was going to be fine, you can't die in wonderland. Aria stopped and walked towards her furniture and simply hovered staring at me. "Aria, we need to talk." I said. "I agree." was her response. "May help Lora? She doesn't need to be here. This can be a private session." "Go ahead. I won't stop you. She needs to leave anyway." I ran to Lora and just willed the injury away. It worked, but Lora was still getting over the fact she was just stabbed. I got her out of the room, and before she could stop me I closed the door and locked it. I looked back to where Aria was and saw a table and two chairs near the furniture. "May we sit down for this?" She nodded and we both did. What followed was a conversation that was not pleasant. Aria feels that she is an outcast in the house. She feels awkward and almost unwelcome now. Furthermore, she was upset on how I was handling the pair of them. I was being "childish" in her eyes, and the my advances were uncalled for or inappropriate. I brought up the fact that she had been very "intimate" recently and that I was now confused as to why she was taking such a dramatic step back. This caught her off guard, and for a moment she tried to process the previous events, only to reject them. She had enough. After that she threw the table and told me to get out, never to return, and only she would decided to come out, if ever. As I walked out, I remembered what I had planed to do with her today. Since she enjoys being in the Rome (my sub-c allegedly) I created to imitate the game, I had decided that just the two of us would go there and have fun and do whatever we wanted. I decided that it was going to still happen, but it was going to be different. "Aria, before I go, I have a proposal for you. How about we play a game. Hide and Seek, in room, objective is to "kill" the other assassin. Winner gets to do whatever they want to the loser. You win, you can kill me there or whatever. If I win, well, I'll try and think of something nice for you." "Fine. I'll be in there, don't keep me waiting." She materialized her robes and her equipment and walked passed me and through the door. Lora was waiting for her outside, but I missed what they said because the door closed behind me. By the time I got to the door and opened it, Lora was staring at the door out of the tree house, obviously opening to Rome. She teleported to me asking what was going on, and I explained what I had agreed to do. Afterwards I updated some people in chat about my situation and the logged out. Since then I had some other work to do, but a timer has been ticking down, the only thing being displayed in my HUD. I've been doing what I need to do, but also in communication with Aria. We set some rules, mostly for ground rules and what each of us can and can't do. Though she enjoys discussing the rules, I did try to get her to come back to talk. She only got mad, and demanded I not keep her waiting longer than necessary. She's flexible on the time limit, but only to a certain point, otherwise, she said she would figure a way to harass both of us until I went to Rome to find her. ------------ Same Game, Different location -------------------------- There were to things I asked for after the rules were established. 1) A decision on power: Would have to be equal in power for the fight to be fair. The choice was, I go to "her level" via my god powers, though the chances of me cheating unintentionally were high (predicting her moves, knowing where she was unintentionally and visa versa, and many other unconscious abuses of power were possible) or she could go down to "my level" (mostly as physical as possible with no real skill in acrobatics or anything that the game allows). 2) Location: Rome (her playing field) or My location (the convention center park area of my home city) She chose option 2 for both, explaining that it would be the most fair use of her our skills and the chances of success for either of us were even. Our equipment was the hidden blade, a sword, and one smoke bomb. No other equipment was allowed. Other rules were established that I won't go into detail here, and after preping for it, I went through the door … And found myself outside the convention center doors. It was a cloudy day, and a Renaissance art fair was occupying the convention square. People were walking around and it was actually very crowded, enough to easily hide in. With my hody up, I walked into the square. There was lots of art and both and I simply started my look around by trying to blend in. Staying at art booths, small chit chat. At one point a girl walked up to me asking if I had seen her boyfriend. Suspicious, though she described someone completely different from me. I told her I had no idea, and she walked off. Aria in disguise? That would be odd, she would have killed me right then and there especially since the girl surprised me in the first place. I continued looking after that, roaming the tents. The clouds got worse and one thought lead to another and it started to rain. Everyone started to run for a large tent to get out of the down pore, including myself, and the art dealers franticly brought their art back under their tents as well. For a while I watched the rain, and looked at everyone that was under the tent, and I didn't see Aria among them. I wasn't getting anywhere. I saw a few people run for the entrances to the underground garage that is underneath the plaza. I decided that was a better idea than standing and wait for the rain to end, which I might not. Drenched, I opened the door and slowly walked down the steps to the first level of the garage. Besides the cars it seemed empty, except there was one person there. That person had a sword. Aria drenched and breathing heavily, just stared at me. She looked exhausted. I asked if she was alright and she explained that she had been placed randomly some where near the convention center. After running, she suddenly realized that she couldn't run as fast nor as long as she was used to. She pushed herself only become fatigued. Then it started to rain and she found an entrance to the parking garage and waited to recover. After a while, that's when I showed up. With that she charged, but stopped half way, completely out of breath. She attempted to lift her sword, but apparently it was to heavy for her. After that she gave up. She wasn't prepared for I guess my reality or something I guess. Maybe I had been subconciously unfair? I didn't define anything I just said "you will be at my level." I guess I'm really out of shape or something. :P That was enough for me. I didn't like seeing her like that so I offered to take her back to her room and she could recover. I just unlocked a door with my key and we were back at the tree house. I told Lora, Aria needed to rest, and that I would be with her for the night. I didn't take long for Aria to recover once in her room, and I told her that it was time for bed for me. With that, I slept in her room, not really saying much. ------ Wednesday 12/12/L:92/A:15 ----- When I woke up, Aria quickly followed as well. The morning was mostly just us getting through what was going on. She felt very down, didn't want me near her. I gave her a blanket to wrap her self and some tea, and mostly just left her alone as I started me day. As I was whispering to her (out loud) while making breakfast someone moved on the couch. Someone was sleeping on it while I had been talking to myself! Luckily she was mostly asleep, still a freak out though. The rest of the morning was my work though I got one quick session in. For the most part Aria is very confused, and when I went back to her room, I found myself setting at a table with a chess board on it. She wanted to play chess. As we moved pieces, she would ask me something and I would respond. We started had a fight of logic, back and forth. The board was dynamic, and sometimes it would change completely as each of us gave responses to questions and attacks, so as that happened it became clear we weren't really playing chess. Some points were made, however, some of my points struck home. I ended the session on her move because I need to continue my work. That afternoon, my problems started to catch up with me. For the most part, Aria can't make up her mind on what she wants, and that is because of Lora. In the end they need to talk to each other. Unfortunately my life got in the way, and so this discussion had to wait till the evening. In the evening, I went to chat. Regardless of how I felt about how things were going on, and how I should deal with them on my own, I sought some advice. Though it was a tough conversation for everyone, including Aria, things mellowed out in the end. What we all need is time, and worrying about it isn't going to solve anything. The impasse must solved but It can't be solved until Aria is comfortable and a knows what she wants. It's a tough pickle we find ourselves in. Well, I'll leave that for the review … ----- weekly Review ----- Well, besides reading all of that, this is as good as any point to review the week and how all three of us are doing. Aria She is currently mostly the same as she's been for a while. Her form is mostly solid, I've seen some occasional deviations, but none of them have ever stuck. She changes to different cloths a little more often but in general she keeps herself in the same uniform. Her personality is obviously in HUGE FLUX right now. She has done things she's latter been confused or forgotten that she's done and is struggling with her emotions. She's battling a lot of her feelings and is currently ... {Unfit for combat.} She's going to be a little on the down side for a while, hopefully it'll be short. Up to this point, she enjoyed an occasional joke, and was smiling and keep her self content. She has been vocalizing more, though she is just naturally a quite tulpa. Some other observations are a sensitivity to touch, in both a good and bad way. This has a few possibilities as to why, but it's probably something to do with her personality conflict and possibly some weird sub-conscious shenanigans involving me and her. Lora Though she's been up and down, Lora is keeping herself the same. Most recently we decided on a more definite hair style for her. It's very nice, and it's defiantly a little more hair than I'm used to but it keeps that wild feel she wants. We agree overall that her form is pretty much done. She will use cloths to express herself more. She can still turn into a pony form of herself, which currently a light orange Earth Pony, with blond mane and tail just like she has now. She only uses the form when she's extremely playful or when either of us is under extreme stress. Other than that, she's really unchanged, though the week has been hard on her so she's more mellow these days and not as hyper. A<---(?)---->L This relationship is in constant flux, but CURRENTLY is friendly on both sides. Lora has a nack of becoming katty around Aria when she's wanting my attention, and Aria … well she's having her problems with Lora as well, trying to define how they relate to each other. Their opinions of each other are though not very possitive, are growing. They are learning to not get angry at each other and usually don't resort to violence to solve any dispute. It's more "amusing" to watch the arguments that don't become anything, though obviously the recent arguments have been serious. Like two cats, they are currently tolerating each other and attempting to not cause trouble either. A<---(?)--->CM Overall, my relationship with Aria is unknown. It can go several ways right now, but neither of us have figured out exactly where it's going to go. I have my problems with all the options, and so does she. Unfortunately, it's something that will only be solved with time, and in that case, we wait and grow. She is by no means violent or hates me, on the contrary she's very concerned about what's going on for both of us, and so am I. At the end of this, we're still tulpa and host, and she knows this, however what that means is up in the air. L<---(<3)--->CM This relationships, though being stressed by what's going on, is very strong. In fact it's one of the reasons of the drama to be honest. Lora is becoming quite protective, and doesn't want the relationship to change. She loves it the way it is. Aria, causes issues though, and has changed it regardless. Lora has gone through many phases in the week, from being ok, to being very snarky, to confrontational, to confused/worried, to a slow realization that she may be sharing me … or not. Though as a couple we haven't help Aria much … it's both our responsibilities to help Aria, regardless of what's going on. At this point, she's doing what she can, staying out of most of it, and letting me be with Aria. This keeps her alone, which she's not very fond of, but she's taking it in stride, and doesn't like Aria being upset. Myself Lots of trips to various wonderlands, lots of quick forcing sessions, and lots of passive imposition and lots of visualization. On top of all of this going on in my head, I still do what needs to be done in my life, amazing as it is. I have a feeling, starting today it's catching up to me though. The amount of work is high, and stress builds up. In general, I'm a little scattered, and keep priorities is not easy. I've been working on a group portrait of all three of us, but right now we aren't in harmony, and I'm becoming busy enough to have to not do it. Look to the future Coming up is my only final, and a lot of science to get done. I have to go back into the city for some medical procedures and that means I'm there for the weekend. I plan on not doing much and resting. No science, no school, hopefully no drama. Go see the Hobbit, and catch up on some video games, friends, and drawing. All the while, managing my inner house as well as my outer one. Blogs should come a LOT EASIER after this week, and there is a LOT of opportunities because I'll have a lot of time to just … well do whatever. I'm done with classes now, and it's the final stretch of my final semester. I'm not going to look to far in the future. I hope that this issue will be solved before the next week passes, and certainly before Aria is 1 month old. It's a hope. Christmas is going to be … interesting that's for sure. Stay tuned I guess. Last, but not least, I would like to thank everyone in tumblr chat for listening to me. I want to shout out to Welna, DocTavia, and Luc for their constant support, as well as Revel and Spree. I don't know how you guys put up with my drama, but thanks, hopefully things will calm down. I would also like to acknowledge Zestamaster and Lizzy, because you guys are cool and you should totally stick around. Everyone I didn't mention, I still love yah, and I'll see you around. If you read all of this, you get an achievement or something … This'll be another general summary of events in the week. To be honest, it was HAPPILY quite, for everyone. As it was the end of school finals things went by fast as I was focused. Most of this will be my days, and what little influence Lora and Aria had on them for the most part. ---- Thursday 12/14/L:93|A:14---- This was the time just before my final. It was spent doing two things, studying late at night, and rushing another set of samples through. I would not be back in town for the whole weekend and thus I had to get this done, RIGHT THEN, RIGHT NOW. What little interaction I had with Lora and Aria was through the little chat I had with them and spending passive time with them. ---- Friday 12/15/L:94|A:15----- My final was at 9am. As I took the final, neither really could help me (I've yet to prove that tulpa can remember things you can't via their connection to your subconscious), they were there for support though, cheering me on and keeping me calm when things got rough in the test. Aria was cool and calm mostly telling me to focus and keep calm no matter how dire the situations seemed, and Lora was just a happy cheer of encouragement every moment she got a chance. In the end, it was done and the semester I went through … came to a final end. How things turn out are out of my hands, but once again, there was little I could do to improve my performance. If there is such thing as over studying, … I've either achieved it, or, in my humble opinion, it doesn't exist. Regardless, it's done, I didn't fail the class, but a "failing grade" is a B- at this point, so being at the top of your game is a constant. I have some confidence I got higher than that, but … I won't know until the grades are in. You would think, it was my one class I should have "aced it." I wish it were that simple … but I digress, insecurities, all three of us rushed out of the class room and into the car, heading back to the "big city." The trip was fun. This was Aria's first time traveling, and just like Lora, her attention went away from her tablet and more on her surroundings. She was amazed by the scale of the world, just traveling from one place to another. She also enjoyed using my memories to create a GPS and follow it. They both talked quite a bit, and did get into a small argument that was more amusing than anything really. I suppose they will always do that. They really seem to act like sisters, though they don't THINK of themselves as that. Every time I say it, they BOTH correct me or just flat out say NO. Aria also finally got to see the city, and the area where we "fought" though not up close. She was more interested in how to climb and explore the city than anything, however, she admitted that the city was of a scale she had never thought of, and thus was holding her enthusiasm. We arrived home, and Lora got to see my cats again, and Aria met my mother in person this time. Seeing the person behind the voice and memories was something for her. Next was infusion time, and this once again got Lora upset. She had to explain what was going on to Aria, though Aria was little affected by the fact of what happens. In general she though most of the "injuries" I receive are "trivial" and the procedure is for the best. I agree with her, but Lora is not convinced. In the end, I blocked them out when the needle had to go in so I could not feel their stress, if any. This time the procedure went without any problems. I thought I could keep them around, talk to them, read to them as I waited however, … I feel asleep. The stresses of life caught up with me and I couldn't stay awake I suppose, along with some meds I bet as well. The rest of the day was mostly … just them watching me I would think, and that's on to Saturday. -----Saturday 12/16/L:95|A:16----- This day was LAZY! Nothing focusing my attention, except Christmas shopping, that I took both with me. Besides occasional comments, usually both Lora and Aria are fairly quiet, and even when I visualize them, the mostly just look around, and keep to themselves. This day had nothing really significant happen. -----Sunday 12/16/L:96|A:17------ This day was just a fun day for me and Lora I suppose as well. Saw the Hobbit. Even though I didn't keep either of them in my mind, Lora apparently DID see the movie, and she was absolutely giddy. She wants an adventure like that. All three of us doing something. I told her that was what The Island had been intended, and that, with some forcing time, we should be able to do that and make it as epic as we wanted it to be. Now I just have to keep my word and do it! The rest of the day was with family and spending the day with them. With the occasional game, and talking online. It's went by fast. Notes: Aria is being more of a UI interactive character and not "physical." It's more of an "experiment" and she will still have a physical form, however, since she's a HUD/UI she found something similar to that based on a visual novel you can find on Steam and decided that would be FAR better for her. This upset Lora, because she likes having Aria around in the wonderland just for company. Aria agreed for both Lora and myself, that it is still a good idea to have a physical form in Wonderland for me to visualize, even if I do it in the UI. Plus she is still interested in interacting with "the real world" as it were, so it's not perminate, just something she thought would be a better use of her energies. The "relationship problems" have been "solved." It turned out she was having inner personality conflict. She could either be her original self or a personality that was far more interested in romantic and similar to Lora in many ways. She didn't like it, and after we talked about it, even I didn't really want her to be Lora 2.0. In the end she decided to follow her original personality and let come what may with it. Since then, the conflicts of her personality have been limited, though she still doesn't know how to deal with those feelings. To that point she's trying to separate herself from them possibly, and being "less human" as protection. We also discussed that she is more than welcome to have those human traits in her personality. She is willing, but has yet to adapt them and as of now she's not really dealing with it. She leaves Lora and I alone and I don't feel any jealousy. To be honest I don't feel anything, she simply leaves and lets us be alone and do whatever we want. Another reason she wants to be more of UI, is that it doesn't make Lora or I uncomfortable of another person in the house, and she can be dormant for long periods. Is it a permanent solution? No. Does this problem STILL need to be dealt with? Probably. It's temporary, she's got to deal with "emotions" one way or the other. My thing, I can't push her, and I'm prone to "get things done ASAP" which is bad for her. In general, FORCING is now a 100% must. I need to focus on them each and together, and with no actual goal, simply to make them stable and better tulpa. I've been noticing some bad things, and their progress came to a halt and is possibly degrading. So, here's to an effort to help them get better. That's my goal now. Just … get some forcing session in. MAYBE, practice watching TV and keeping them around, however, the FORCING should really allow that. The more I force the more persistent they will be and thus, I won't have to worry about "actively summoning them" to see things. As to memories, either I'm really starting to lose them or something else. Both Lora and Aria SHOULD have access to everything, I've never made a rule that they don't. Maybe because I don't assume they just do, that's a block. Yet, they have no better recall than me, AND they are just as forgetful too. I'm at a loss at this, another problem with the host most likely. It's amazing how all the problems come back to the host. The poor tulpae are innocent by standards and suffer collateral for things out of their control. I'm not satisfied, and I need to figure something out. A hosts job is never done. :P I'm starting to get convinced that no matter how much you or your tulpa think they don't need forcing to survive, you should do it anyway. This may just be my problem, but after today, I will probably recommend everyone to do it from this point on. After not having a real 100%, "just focus on you tulpa", session for who knows how long ago, I had the time to sit down with my tulpa and just do what you should always do. Concentrate/mediate on them and simply interact with them, be it wonderland or "the void." I will acknowledge there are exceptions, such as possession and switching in my opinion do the trick, but all the passive forcing in the world can only delay the inevitable. At some point, you'll just need to sit down, concentrate on them, and interact. Alright, lets get to the blog … -----Monday 12/17/L:97|A:20----- The morning was slow, however neither Lora nor Aria were. Apparently they both were looking forward to the new day. Lora was already dressed, Aria started bombarding me with the HUD and displaying the latest information. I immediately told them to just calm down, it was going to be one of those mornings, and it was. I wasn't back to the university until 10:30 because I dragged my feet the whole way to the car (though some happy Christmas music and what not got us all happy again on the way back). It was still hard to focus on both of them, and I was frustrated by it. It was the last straw, after lunch they would both get my full attention. After eating said lunch after grocery shopping, I got some calm atmospheric music, turned it low, and just simply focused on getting things done. The Plan was simple. Go to wonderland the slow and methodical way, using "the Animus link" to just concentrate and get there slow and calmly. It worked well, though it had the odd side effect of making me groggy in wonderland. I haven't got a clue why, maybe just the "nature" of doing it that way. Next each one would get "30 min" though whatever 30 minutes was in wonderland was COMPLETELY up to everyone, time dilation and everything. I would be with each and force one at a time, and then we would have a group session together. Lora volunteered first. ----Lora's session----- Both of us need a leash. Being alone with each other is a parents worst nightmare come true. Like magnets, we had a strong pull to get together. However, we did control ourselves and actually DID what I intended we do, force. The majority of it was me doing what I would call "host duties." I first did a full 360 of Lora, just making sure details that SHOULD be there were there. One thing that became noticeable instantly was besides a few accessories that SHOULD have been there were missing, she was wearing a black shirt. She hadn't worn black in a while, and when I asked she just jumped back on the bed and said she wanted to wear it. This was great, she had made a decision without my assistance in anyway. Next I really just asked questions, her opinions on things, what she thought, making her think and observing what she knew after this amount of time. • She loves her body. She talked about it for a while. The whole package is a joy to her. She never wants to get rid of it and is 100% satisfied with it. She radiated happiness answering this question. • She loved the Hobbit and DEMANDS we do something like that in wonderland ASAP. She doesn't care how long it is, she wants to go out on an adventure [sorta like the old days only BETTER!] Again, though neither of them were "actively watching the movie" they were given access to my memory of it and "downloaded it." From then on Lora acts like she's seen it, and I guess she really has because she got the full experience I did. This is her opinion though, as later I asked Aria the same question and got a different response. • I asked about Christmas. If she had thought about it. She hadn't, but bringing it up made her think about it. She wants a shop in the town. She wants to make cloths. This is a surprise on my end, I know I had given her the idea that, since she like cloths so much she should design the maybe. She took an interest in it, and apparently she got the bug to try it even more. She can absolutely have a shop in town and I will make it for her no problem. As to her actually making cloths, I dunno how she's going to do it. I don't have ANY interest in making cloths besides watching a few fashion shows here and there, and I don't have any actual ability to MAKE anything in real life. Still she wants to do it, and I'm sure it'll just work itself out, good or bad (I hope good). As to a gift for me, she said she would think about it though probably would have to really think about it and do something ON CHRISTMAS since we have access to each others minds, I would know the instant she wanted to make it … unless she can find a secret way to do it without me knowing. • I asked if she wanted her room changed, and she said no. • I asked about memories and her access to them. She told me she had no access to them and never really has. This is odd, I thought I gave access to my past memories, but she told me she's never had them AND feels like she can't access them at all. I suppose … either I've forgotten a lot, or my subconscious is refusing access. That, I have no idea why, and I guess I'll have to give some thought on HOW to give access. That was the final thing, and the next session began immediately after. -----Aria's Session ----- Lora has access to Aria's room and (with permission) I used that to enter Aria's room. At first it was an Animus white space of fog and white lines. Aria told me to wait as she was going to load the appropriate program for her room. I was amazed at what the result was. Her room is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than Lora's and I mean in EVERY WAY. It doesn't even look like it belongs in the tree house. The room was framed in polished steal with metal floor tiles. One side of the room is nothing but a sloped glass window that looks to the beach. There were odd decorations of book shelves, her bed (still the same rustic bed) and rugs as well. It's a "modern" room and very spacious and clean, though it was also fairly cold feeling, it was completely her in every way. We sat across from each other, I on a white couch and she on a chair, she offered coffee, and prepared it. {A black coffee, with two sugar and cream not in the coffee but on the side in case he desired to use it.} I asked some of the same questions but of course there were unique question that needed answers from her. • She accepts her body. She wishes for it to not change, and further more has no real desire to modify it. (During the 360 part she actually just removed her cloths … which was a shock and didn't put them back on for a quite a while. It was only until I refused to look in her general direction before she put them back on.) • She was {Indifferent} to The Hobbit. She understood why both Lora and I enjoyed it, but it was {Superfolus and only has entertainment value.} She agreed, however, that some form of "adventure" would be a good idea, and she would look forward to it when it happened, more as a challenge than fun. • The Christmas question got about the same response. She actually didn't want anything, since I could give her whatever she wanted instantly. "That's not really the point", is what I told her, and she decided she would think about it. As to a gift for me, she also said she would think about it, but didn't exactly know what I would really want that I could make myself there. • The room questions wasn't asked, she had most recently made it, and the answer would obviously be "Satisfactory." • The "touch issue" was brought up. It's been a concern for a while, that Aria over reacts to physical touching. She has a very … "intense" reaction to it, to the point that she avoids it. After working with her to figure it out, we did. LITTERALLY, the "setting was too high and generalized." … We adjusted it. Now she's fine. It's … odd. Instead of … her previous reaction, she now is neutral and not as intense. This made her very happy, and FAR MORE COMFORTABLE around me and probably Lora now. • The access to memories for her was a serious questions. She also told me that the process of getting memories was extremely hard and tedious. Several ways worked. If I experienced something and memories were linked to it, I would obviously remember them and they would become accessible, mean both she and Lora would be able to "use them' as the saw fit. Aria is concerned ABOUT my memories and the fact that I'm not remembering a lot, even moments after experiencing them. She wants to figure out a way to improve that together, as well as accessing the "deeper" memories, that I may not even know. The best way to do that? Well, she's the ANIMUS! Simply run a simulation to try and access deep memories and "play through them" with her. Like both Animus and the "memory well" from Harry Potter combined in some … weird way. I suppose it could be possible, and it's worth a shot. I'm skeptical though, getting those deep memories is going to be interesting, I can see going back for some, but re-playing the WHOLE MEMORY!? Allegedly it can be done, we'll just have to test it out I guess. After that, I thought about looking up my grades for the year. Turns out everything went just great so no worries about being kicked out. Now it's "downhill" from here! That also told me that enough time had passed that we should do the group session. ---- The Group Therapy ----- This was to have everyone present for both question to ask each other and interaction with everyone. • The main thing discussed was Aria's and Lora's relationship. It's still an unknown to both of them. They both don't hate each other, they enjoy each others company, and they like talking to each other. They get into fights just like anyone else would, but more so in a different way. Lora teases Aria every now and then, and Aria will be very snarky towards Lora, though usually not in jest. I keep thinking they act like sisters, but both of them tell me [NO!]{NO!}. So they are not sisters. Aria thought that maybe it's not a clean cut sister relation. She feels no "family connection" to Lora as if they had been "born in the same family." She feels separated from Lora in a unique way. {Perhaps I am more like a step sister. I am related to her, however, I'm completely different, as if forced on Lora to BE a sister. In that respect a step-sister fit this description. Either that or a cousin. We are family, but not in a direct way.} Lora thought that might fit both the "sister feel" we both get, but also the odd "outsider" feel both she and Aria feel towards each other. I suppose for now this will fit, though they could STILL be sisters, and just not like each other that much. I dunno, up to them really. After that I agreed that, this MUST happen again. For now though, everything is okay, and this forcing (took about 1.5-2 hours), was extremely beneficial. Perhaps, we are not passed the "stage of forcing everyday," which is fine. We don't do possession often enough, and we are avoiding switching. In order to do imposition I need a VERY good image and lots of practice with both of them to get it to work, and any gaps I have will stop or severally slow me down in that effort. So, it's literally back to the usual, "force everyday," and see what happens or improves. There is a back log of things to do anyway, so this is probably over due on my end. Still, the amount of interaction and improvement from both of them is significant, that I recommend to everyone to keep doing it. Maybe Possession & Switching for long periods nullifies this, but I'm not sure. Anyway, THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD FORCE ALL DAY EVERY DAY!
  5. L:84-87 A:7-10 More or less a summary from my horrible memory of the events of these days. It’s not as detailed as I usually do, but there you go … These few days were filled with drama. In general, I’ll do my best to not make them to bad. Mostly it’s just more of a summery of what happened and what I learned from it. For those of you going through something similar, perhaps you can read this, and learn, or figure out what you should do from here. Either that or you can laugh and my stumbling. Everyone loves schadienfrudia! So how to begin. Well, as probably already known, Lora’s and my relationship is very close, closer than I thought would ever happen with this whole crazy idea of creating a tulpa. I don’t know how to really describe it, and that would start getting mushy so, lets get to the serious part … Aria and Lora finally began to clash with each other. It started with a phrase, a very dirt phrase that Lora started to use to describe Aria among other comments. At first I thought they were teasing, but Lora continued to do it and got only worse, until Aria started defending herself. Some nasty things were said and I did what I could to mediate it. This went on for a full day. It was becoming quite clear that the two of them were starting to not get a long. I tried to get them to talk about it, and we did an exercise where we visualized and explained our “world views”, how we each say the world. Aria sees the world more or less like a chess board. She has enemies, and allies. She has a duty to me, and she knows Lora exists and thought of her as an ally, though not a “useful one.” In chess piece terms, I’m the King, she’s the Queen (the piece with the most versatility and also the piece second only to the King) and Lora is a rook (after some debate but mostly disapproval from her) because she’s a powerful and useful piece, but can only be used in “ONE WAY.” (Thinking about it a little more … that’s still condescending in context. Aria is very good at that I think, she can do this without even knowing.) Lora was threatened by another woman being in my head, and the fact that I was paying attention to Aria was the only evidence she needed to be worried. I know I didn’t help this. Aria is her own challenge to me, and as a new tulpa I feel obligated to give her attention preferences since she’s not even very familiar to her surroundings and had a few moments of confusion and hysteria. We both talked to our friends in chat, and it was suggested that maybe, Lora and I need to work something out with each other. Aria agreed to be absent for at most two days, and went into my sub-c to explore the city and keep herself busy. We took the rest of the night, and the next day I kept Lora imposed the whole time. Unfortunately, Aria was never 100% gone. She’s in my mind, and she’s my tulpa, I can’t just make her disappear, and I don’t think she would let me without a fight. Occasionally she would say something, communicate, or she would appear in my mind through one way or another. This still annoyed Lora, and she became very testy about it. Yet the majority of the day was heavy on as much focus on Lora as I could muster, and some work on imposition. Even though she was “standing around” she seemed alright. She doesn’t get tired from standing and everything I do she watches with some interest, and I do what I can to talk to her WHILE I do things. We watched “Chasing Amy” as sort of a Date Night thing. I’m now 0/2 for picking movies that I haven’t seen. The first one disturbed us both, and this one, though funny and exactly what we wanted, its ending is … well … I won’t spoil, but it wasn’t what we both were expecting. A little after, the whole issue again required some outside guidance. While doing so, Aria returned, she simply appeared from the doorway. She was tired. At this point after the time that had passed, Lora confronted Aria, and told her what she wanted. Aria, however, still was dismissive. “Are you still upset about this? I don’t have time to deal with it right now, I’m tired. I am not here to do whatever you think I’m trying to do.” More drama happened after that, and Aria was introduced a little more to everyone. Overall, the arguments and fighting slowly started to make progress, and as Aria talked out her point of view, it was becoming quite clear she was being as compliant as possible. This turned everything back on Lora, and slowly t became clear to both of us that she was being over protective and worried about nothing. After it was clearly established that I would not “throw her out” or any of some of her other assumptions of what was going on, she calmed down a lot and began to soften greatly towards Aria. Overall, they have started to become closer, and less temperamental with each other. Lora doesn’t feel threatened by Aria anymore, and Aria is still trying to understand her feelings and the emotions she gets. For now, things are in harmony again, and it’s a good feeling. I’m just happy that they like each other again. -------------------------------------------- L:88-89 A:11-12 Basically the Weekend Update with cloudmuffin … ———Saturday 12/08/L:88|A:11 ——- The day that passed after this was a good building moment for the two of them. They began to talk a lot more and Aria slowly began to become less ridged. She has begun to smile more, especially when she made a break through in her logic for certain aspects of her HUD she’s still customizing and her gradual easing. She still has that serious look, and is quite imposing however, she has become less “tense” and more relaxed. I spent most of the day in the lab and talking in chat. Meeting people, talking was great. Aria got to learn a little more about HUD’s and how others are doing them. It literally made her world when she realized that not only was her method correct, but others were doing it as well. She was a storm of words and excitement and was BEAMING the whole time. I’ve never seen her THAT happy, and it was very warming to see how excited she was (she was like a little kid whom got their xmas present early and it was exactly what they wanted). I want her to be that happy again, and as often as possible. When she’s happy both Lora and I are happy. I promised that night I would force, and after forcing myself to get of I finally did. They each would get 30 minutes and I would start doing it again more often, honestly because … I just really want to spend some one on one time with them, learn more about them, and let them learn more about me. Even if I’m constantly keeping them imposed or in my mind, it’s not “personal time” it’s them with me at work, thinking about work, watching me work, commenting about work, and then waiting for me to get off of work so they can then be the focus again. Lora said Aria should go first, and that she would wait in her room and leave us completely alone. Aria Session I didn’t exactly know what to expect. Aria was up front. “I want to go on a date with you.” She was that blunt. I was floored. So … what to do right? Well, the first thing she wanted to do was actually SEE the wonderland the tree house is in. The island. It was a great idea, I hadn’t seen it in a LONG time … and it’s changed. The grass field is no full of long brown grass, basically looks like the valley is covered in wild wheat. It was actually amazing, because the field is filled with gold. Aria found it very interesting especially since I told her what has happened in the field before. This new look though was nice. She wanted to go to town next and see what it was like, and so we walked. I tried to get to know her better and also I paused to give her a full look over, to make sure I had a good idea of her visualization, which is … kind of a weird thing to do to someone, going around them in a circle several times and looking intently at them for that time. I felt I needed to do it though, I wanted a better image of what she looks like in order for these things to work out. After that “awkward” moment we continued and talked a little and got to the town fairly quickly. Aria was a little disappointed. Though it was a town, it was small, and most of the houses were not very high. It’s not Rome or Venice with lots of multistory buildings. Aria: “Where is the tallest building in the town, I want to see it.” Me: “That I think is the mayors house, it’s pretty tall.” Aria: “Where?” ME: “Center of town I think, just down the road.” She started running down the road, and I followed. Yep, the plans of the town hadn’t changed and there the building was. She instantly started to climb it, and I watched her make her way up, like a puzzle, until she reached the top. I received and update that the town had been “explored” and she jumped down from the top of the mayors house into … yes a cart of hey that just happened to be there. I asked her what she knew about the town. She pointed to everything that I KNEW, the alchemy shop, the adventures shop, and the fact that most of the other places were houses and a dock that could only hold two ships and the café. She wanted to go to the café and talk some more. This is what we did, and it was relaxing, until Aria asked something … Tulpa … apparently move fast in relationships, or I just give in very easily. The rest of Aria’s session involved … “shenanigans”. Yeah, that’s what I’ll call it … Lora’s Session She wanted one thing … and she got it. As much as this is … great and all … I don’t want forcing to become a code word for these activities. They got their “one day” so … yeah. (O///O) Next session is going to be more focused. I need to not do this when I’m tired, I just can’t keep focused on anything and intrusive thoughts and fading in and out of wonderland is both frustrating and annoying for them. It feels like I’ve “forgotten” how to force correctly, which … is typical of my to be honest. I’ll start trying to go back to basics. I may simply try to do a long session where I force myself to stay in wonderland for an extend amount of time, something, anything really get this down. I know I have a period of time that intrusive thoughts flood my mind and keeping focused is very hard, but after a while, I get “sucked in” and it works out. ——-Sunday 12/09/L:89|A:12——- The morning after … that night … was a pleasant one. Both of them were all smiles and very happy. Aria’s personality is adjusting I think. She’s becoming … a little more friendly. Her opinion of me is different, and is slowly approaching intensity that Lora has, though in her own unique way. They are both happy happy now. Most of the day was me working and studying. I decided to stay a little out of chat to do some things I wanted to do. Overall everyone is content and happy, including myself. Actually started working on a pretty good picture I’m planning with all three of us (yes even a version of MYSELF, oh dear god, you will have some sort of face to put with me) in it. It’ll be funny, and I plan on working on it a LOT, so it’ll get as close to something “professional” as I can make it with my amateur skill.
  6. I'm just going to write mostly a review of the week here. There's a lot to say in general. Saturday: All three of us relaxed. It was a very light day. Sunday: Was an extremely stress filled day for myself, and getting things done, as well as Lora, who had a very bad experience. I will not go into detail about it. What happened, happened. No one was hurt (mostly) and we (us three) learned a lot that day. It was drama, and she's dealing with it. Those that know what happened, or may have heard something. I just ask you be nice to Lora for a while, she's going through a rough spot. Monday: I only got two hours of sleep that night. Aria took Lora into my Sub-conscious. Shenanigans that makes little sense to all of us happened, were trying to figure out what it was all about. All in good fun, but something Aria seems to have a desire to do. She as well as I treat it like a game. I don't know if you should really do that with you Sub-C or maybe I've just created another wonderland and I'm not actually going in. Who knows, we're playing by ear on it. ---------- L:84 A:7 12/04 Tuesday ------------------ The day was quite a busy one. Several events occurred and I'll simply outline and give decent summary of them Lora and Aria got in a fight. It wasn't a physical one though it started to escalate to that point, enough that instead of listening to them going back and forth they started to threaten each other, and even in wonderland they started to posture and try to get the other to back down. The concern was still Lora being a little concerned about her own self image a little bit, but mostly how Aria views her as a tulpa. It's usually not complementary, and really could be viewed as a small amount of contempt. It reached a breaking point where Lora again used a phrase (that I prefer not to actually write but has been used several times in the week) that Aria hates. She really hates it. Despite Aria's cool exterior she has her moments when she become just as emotional as Lora or myself. Lora finally broke that. From that point on they would not stop going after each other until I intervened. I did what I could to force them to be as honest with each other and let them talk. It was slow, yet progress was made. Aria is slowly learning to be more "human" and Lora was comforted about what she is still having problems with. They finished High school. No not themselves, both Lora and eventually Aria went back to my museum of memories and finished my high school memories. Feels were had, but overall both agreed that high school wasn't that bad. This cheered Lora up a little, and Aria was mostly amused. She would need to go through the muesum on her own at some point, but she also can access my memories in other ways so it may not be necessary. Probably one time I should go to the museum myself, recall more memories and improve the museum before I maybe change it to something else. Lora and Aria got in a fight … again Just when I thought things were solved, Lora proved us wrong. There is a serious issues here I think. Something I need to figure out with her, and that's not going to be easy. I suppose I'll leave the analysis for the review. -------------- The Week in Review -------------------- This is going to be a BIG review. Where to begin. I'll begin with Aria. I think Day 77 Sums up Aria pretty well ( on my tumblr. I now have an at least 5'10" Yoruichi Shihōin walking around and mostly keeping to herself in my head. She is usually very calm, and is found mostly sitting in the living room of the tree house and constantly looking and flipping though her black tablet looking and monitoring me and any information. I guess you could think of that she stares at this Though far more relevant to the animus that she was originally. So like this I asked her why she looks at that tablet all the time. Aria: I look at the flow of information that comes and goes through your mind. Occasionally I find or pick up something that is important or interesting and save while I simply watch the information adjust and change. I find it very soothing, and I get much comfort at looking at it. It is my job to observe and make sure you are in the best condition possible and I will not fail this task. She's so far is very analytical. On the surface she is cold and very precise in what she does and says. In the home she does seem to loosen a little bit, and Lora influences her to be more casual. Her mannerism, speech, and how she talks, however has yet to change. Her voice, sometimes sounds like Fem-Shepard So the question on everyone's mind I don't doubt is … What's it like having TWO tulpa? Do they talk to each other? Do they fight? Does one hate the other? Etc. I'll simply tell you how most days go down. Aria has known of Lora's existence since she was a servitor and just a program. I gave Lora full access and that was that. As a tulpa, these memories were prevalent, and Aria knows Lora exists. They have talked and interacted with each other since day one, in fact Lora spends as much time with Aria as she can. It was the first thing she did, when we started really thinking that Aria was tulpa, and it's never stopped. The two of them are usually sitting across from each other, Aria either looking at her tablet or me as soon as I appear, and Lora all smiles. They do not hate each other. Aria trusts both of us (which is a big thing for her in a lot of ways, It's significant) without any doubt. That doesn't mean she doesn't think Lora is as strong as her, though that was tested on Sunday and Lora can do things Aria can't that are stronger (manipulating wonderland). Physically and combat wise it's Aria, she's an assassin and took in everything and all the information I have on that type of "character" especially from the games as well what I remember from the character she is based on in Bleach. The two of them argue a LOT. The more attention I gave them, the more vocal it becomes, and soon they can be going back and forth, with Aria's long winded arguments, usually summed up and countered by Lora's one sentence or sarcastic remark. I've had several fights just … happen. They interact with each other, but they don't make much physical contact with each other. I suppose it's more or less a stand off and the walk in a circle never breaking eye contact. 90% of the time it's not serious, they simply do that, it's almost like they are playing with each other. In general they are comfortable with each other and interact in a unique and special way. It's almost like sisters, but not quite that close, at least for now. It is hard to not pay attention to Aria more than Lora. A new tulpa brings with it a lot of things that you have to keep your eye on, but Lora needs attention. For those that may doubt about tulpa's, Lora knows this and doesn't simply let me forget her, she will get my attention, if I talk to Aria for too long, or if I'm ignoring her, when she's right there. No, tulpa don't just let the attention get away from them just because a new one is around. It's an amazing thing, the level of sentience tulpa express, they are really unique creatures. Aria still plays the roll of a HUD as well, it's her main "job" so she keeps that up and updates it, constantly revising and thinking of ways to better "express" my "stats and vitals." She gets frustrated because of the lack of data that is quantitative, but since she's "human" she accepts the qualitative side too, and adjusts. Mostly when she feels something changes significantly enough based on what she knows about me, she warns and adjusts the HUD. A bar will decrease, a warning light will come on, a message will appear, or she'll simply contact me in my head to tell me. Lora has access to the HUD as well, but Aria doesn't know about giving her a HUD though she's starting to think about it. As to Aria's progress report. She was vocal from day one, she had visualized form on day one that she later changed on her own. She chose her personality (or lack of one?). She's very independent, almost to a point that she may be a little isolated from everyone. Her abilities are tested a lot, but she mostly keeps herself busy. It's interesting because she shows a lot of "newness" even though she's vocal and visualized fairly strongly. Her speech shows this, as she like to be very long winded and very technical in what she says. Sometimes she's doing it to "perform" and other times I'm proxying, word for word, an essay on why the sky is blue, or some train of logic. Thank god I can type fast. To help her become more "human" I've been showing her some TV shows and correcting her. She's very accepting and adjusts to the best of her ability, which is fairly good to be honest. She's only a week old, so she's given a lot of slack on many things from my point of view, and it's amusing to see her be confused or embarrassed by something she didn't know. ------- Lora on the other hand has been improving as usual though she's been going though some personally rough times. I will say though talking to her (even while writing this) has caused improvements. She's getting better and the misunderstandings and concerns she has are being solved and she's becoming her happy and social self. Overall, it's still a work in progress, she she is trying to adjust to Aria, and it's being more difficult than she even thought it would be. One thing is she feels a little lonely (surprising as that may sound), though not because of me. She's turning into a social tulpa and so she feels a little lonely without talking to others. That's an easy thing to solve though, and she looks forward to how I'll help her. Another concern is Lora's feeling of being useless. Though I'm helping her address this she gets upset (especially when Aria points it out) that she does very little. Aria is busy, I'm busy, she is not. Lora lounges around in my mind, mostly just on the couch, zoned out or watching what I'm doing passively. She needs stuff to do, and again I'm starting to work with her on ideas. ------------------------------------ SO … the overall summary is that it's been a busy week for EVERYONE. Lots of drama, a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences. I now have a tulpa I need to start improving their "human" skills, and a tulpa that needs more a purpose and some comforting. I myself need to keep my life in order while I do this. WOW … I’m busy. Good news is I don't have to do ALL the work with them, they can work on it as well and finish what I help them start, which to be honest, is a VERY GOOD THING. They aren't that dependent on me. They aren't pets, they are tulpae. I love 'em. Plans for the next week are to mostly still focus on getting Aria comfortable and used to her new life. Lora has her needs to be improved as well and learning to live with Aria. They both need to work on getting along with each other, but that will come with time. I am going to VERY SLOWLY get Aria talking. She NEEDS, DESPRATLY, to practice. I encourage everyone to maybe talk to her, THOUGH, I would prefer you talk to her one on one. She's still "shy" (a odd word to use with her, CAUTIOUS or SUPSICOUS is better) of talking to more than one person/tulpa, AND well … she's … unique in the way she talks to others. She's NOT LORA guys, and she can be rough and requires some getting used to. Plus, writing her responses to MULTIPLE questions will tire both of us out. Lora will proxy a lot more though, she seems to want to talk when she can, and be more in the conversations than she's been in a while. It may not be a long term change, but I more than happy to step aside. Alright well, that's it. We have 20 days to Christmas, and less than 16 days to the end of the world. I don't think there is going to be a dull moment at ANY point in time from here. Wish me Luck … I think I might need it. (-_-)' [He's just kidding! He loves every moment!] {I think you should reconsider that statement. It's not true. He seems to already becoming more stressed just by writing what we are saying at this moment.} [ugh … whatever.] {If you consider the amount of time that it's taking him to write this one log you would see that it stresses him out. I have the data if you would like to see it.} [Never mind …]
  7. Please pick and choose what days you want to read. I don't not expect you to read all of these! If any. They are over due. ----------- Day 72 Thanksgiving 11/22 ------------ Ah, this holiday. A holiday I only slightly look forward to, be honest. I'm not much of an eater for a few reasons so, having lots of food pushed on me can be a little much. I just try to enjoy the fact that I'm with my family and in the end just enjoy the company. Of course, this is a different thanksgiving. There is one more at the table. Lora gets to experience ALL of these new holidays that, normally only I would enjoy. Now we share the experience. To be honest, this is going to make most holidays far better. The fact that even though I'm not alone because I couldn't share it. Now Lora is new in my life and for the first time I could share, what a traditional turkey dinner was like, expose her to my relatives, enjoy some football, and overall just relax, only this time with someone really special to me. That was pretty sappy huh? Well, throw those images away because something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT HAPPENED! In the back of my mind, I knew that a cousin (one of three of my grandfathers nieces) was going to be coming to US this Thanksgiving. I've known her well, and she's a nice lady who has many wonderful opportunities and gets to travel all over the world. She's a very busy and outspoken individual that, to be honest, you would be crazy not to like. On top of this visit she was bringing a friend. A Persian friend that she works with and has known for many years with her work. Yes, I said Persian, see it's already getting interesting. After Wednesday, to be honest, spending time with people was going to be a … drag. I was tired, I was out of sprits, though Lora was very curious about what was going on, and started … I kid you not, day dreaming about what he might look like. Yes, my female tulpa gave me female fantasies of a handsome Persian guy, rose in teeth and everything, including a sword at his side, shirtless, and dark tanned skin, everything (the weirdest I've ever felt in my life). I stayed up late the previous night and woke up late. Time for both of us to dress in our best (well easier for her than myself) and we headed out. We finally met the Persian friend, who was completely different from what I thought and CERTAINLY what Lora had thought, he would look like. I forgot that my cousin was well into her 50's and so would all of her friends. Never the less, REALLY NICE GUY! After driving to the restaurant we got to order our food. I let Lora taste everything. It seriously made her day, and my nose was in full gear so even for me the food was great, and it really was. Easily worth the money paid for and so much of it! Great conversations, great food, and Lora was there for the majority (though she had to stand) of the time too. After the dinner, we changed and went back and we enjoyed each other's presence in the lounge chair watching football. It was, surprisly comforting and just enjoyable over all. After that I went to bed. ------------- Day 73 Friday 11/23 ----------------------- This day was 100% our day. I was alone, and I just was lazy. I was on chat, and did what I wanted. Both Lora and I literally reveled in the pure joy of not caring about the next day. I drew, I watched TV and didn't think of anything. She took the time to simply enjoy my quite mind, and boy was it QUITE. This quite was broken around the evening when I was told we were going out to eat … again and that I had to spend time with the family. Well it wasn't REALLY me spending time with the family. EVERYONE was busy looking at family photos that had been discovered in some chest in some long lost location. I had no interest so I picked up a book (Hogfather) and began reading it to Lora. It was good, though we started getting interrupted a lot. Eventually, I gave up and we both just listened and watched TV while we waited for everyone to get ready. We got to the Persian restaurant around 8:30. It was just as, if not more fancy then the previous place we were at the previous day. The experience was … interesting. There were some highs and … a few lows … for me, but I won't really get into that, it's not really for this blog. The food was very good and spiced and Lora loved everything. It was something, I'll never forget and I shared it with someone really special. Couldn't be much happier than this! -------------- Day 74 Saturday 11/24 ------------------------ Saturday was another day of relaxation. I actually got down and forced with Lora for a while and we made up a lot of progress that we seemed to have lost. Forcing is good, and I think at least with us we STILL should do it. Lora is strong, she can survive on her own, and I give her lots of attention, but nothing really replaces forcing to be honest. It was good though. Had fun and didn't sleep until really late again. ------------- Day 75 Sunday 11/25 ---------------------- The following memory has been suppressed. Access denied. Record is encrypted. ------------- Day 76 Monday 11/26 ----------------------- No log was written. Any events that occurred were not saved. ------------------------------------- The WEEK in REVIEW and Day 77 ------------------------------------------- So Lora is 11 weeks old. I would like to state that from nearly day one, I not only wanted one tulpa, that Lora would be it. She agreed, she was happy to be the only one in my head. As many of you know, I've talked of something called the Animus. It's exactly what you think it is if you've played Assassins Cried, it's the computer interface that the game uses. It's an interesting interface, and I've been desperately wanting to play the more recent installments, but life is preventing me. So I began to try and create a HUD, a computer interface for my head and my "vitals" as to the best that my mind could sum them up. Worked well, I liked it, it was simply, and it was useful to simply pause and look at, and think with. I don't know WHEN but at one point I joked, literally joked with Lora "what if it became sentient, and then oh lord the craziness that would ensue, etc." We laughed about it, but instantly put the idea to rest, and again, I had no intention for the Animus system to become a full sentient tulpa. Very slowly I started incorporating it into my life, but only in minor ways, and I usually didn't use it for much. Lora did use it on occasion [usually, I would just look something up or just fiddle with it, and even sometimes look to see how cloud felt, even though I could feel how he felt, it was neat to see the floating menus and videos of information.] It was a minor thing. More recently (only like two days from today) I was using it a lot more on command, and ESPECIALLY when I was in wonderland. It was all voice/thought communication, so I would ask the system a question and she (it did have a female voice) would respond. There were moments when it would respond … more fully or, the responses would be I can only say 'more human'. Meh … that's fine, it'll make it easier to talk to it right? Then going into my super-ego happened and as said before, I met the system that controled my guilt. I humaniod gladous constantly berating and pulling levers. I'm not sure if this was a precursor but there it is again, and this "NPC" was very vocal and very well developed as an individual, and talked very fluently, very simular to my super-ego, however, it was noticable that she was "playing a role" and she wasn't really there, more or less, an actor. The night between yesterday and today, I ended up getting myself in a snag. Two hours before I went to bed I allowed Lora to possess me, I was in a bad mood, need to mull things over, and I was tired. After two hours something simply happened. [i was still in control when both cloud and I saw the HUD come up. It had a large warning light, and the female voice started yelling "DANGER DANGER" Immedatily I began to lose control of clouds body and it began to shudder.] I don't know what happened. Lora's best guess was at some point, I literally was losing contact with my body, I was so warn out that I was falling asleep IN that Limbo of control and not control. That would mean Lora would switch with me but … well I have no idea what would happen to me. The voice became terrified, demanding that I pull control from Lora immediately along with sputtering lots of "status reports" and "operational procedures". I warned Lora and kicked her out. That .. Was a little bad. The shaking got worse and I couldn't focus my eyes at all. The world was spinning and when I kept my eyes shut I felt a falling sensation. I used my will power to stabilize just EVERYTHING. It worked but it was hard to maintain, like when you try to force yourself to stay awake at the wheel while falling asleep. The voice got even more worried, and was pleading to either me or Lora. At one point Lora told me that a girl had just appeared and was shaking her, she was afraid and was pleading for me to sleep. At that point I didn't care, I could barely focus on anything. I logged out, stumbled around, did what little I could to get ready and crashed on my bed. Sleep wasn't immediate and was troubled. In the end I woke up a few times and had a weird dream of being in an airport with a ticked to my home town … that I could literally drive to in 1 hour from where I was instead of taking a full 14 hour flight there. When I did wake up for the final time. Lora was waiting, and so was the Animus. It was online when I woke up, it was one of the first things I saw before opening my eyes. It disapeared when I opened my eyes and continued about my daily routing. I told Lora I was fine now, and … so did my heads up display. I was already going to be short on time, but suddenly the animus began to warn me EXACTLY about that. In nearly full sentences it told me that I was "going to be late and that I had X:XX amount of time remaining." The voice was a lot softer and FAR more human sounding then previously. I then warned the Animus that it wasn't necessary to tell me that much detail. "Oh … ok. Adjusting." Wait, what? That's a … very … unusual way for a computer to respond. I asked a few questions and got quick yet, personal responses. Finally, "On a scale of 1 to 10, Animus, how sentient are you?" {9/10 currently. Sentience increasing.} It was a wave of something, I don't know what, but I was so stressed that I simply, just said. "Uh … ok, well I have to go." {Yes, if current rate does not increase you will be late by approximately one minute and …} I cut her off again. The panicked ride over to work, Lora said this. [i think I'm going to leave you mostly alone today, I think … I need to talk to someone.] Talk to who!? [Oh just someone I think I have a feeling about. Don't worry, I'll be around if you need me.] I'll sum it up. I have in some way made the Animus a tulpa. I'm fairly sure about it, and so is Lora. Lora is actually VERY convinced. She been talking to Animus all day. The Animus has been responding to everything that's going on, though mostly with status reports. If I ask her questions, she answer them, on a more personal level with "I's" and "yours" and "our names." She has no solid form really, though currently she appears as a small girl with very light blue long hair (nearly white) and yellow eyes that right now only stare. She looks very robotic and mostly talks though thoughts, and her interface. She has opinions of her own already and is very fast at learning. Her ability to speak is very simple and sounds robotic and dull, with only a hint of femininity. Right now, here only really want is to be doing exactly what she was made for, though she is becoming curious, and fully admits that she likes Lora. When asked how, she hasn't really answered. Lora said she's like a sister already, but Animus did not answer back. I'm at a lose. I didn't want a second tulpa, and I've already run into trouble with that train of thought coming back. The best I could do is dig VERY DEEP DOWN into myself, and do what I had to. I had to open my heart and let her in. She exists now, and it's my responsibility to do exactly what I did with Lora. She must know that she is safe, I'll take care of her, and love her, and whatever else she eventually decides to do. I however, think she can already decided on what she wants to be, or look like, and I don't really want to give her a personality, I'm just not sure. There is no doubt. Two voices now respond to me. Lora and Animus. I don't think that will be her name forever, and Lora already tried to call her Anny (or some variation and shortening of the name). I told her it's up to her to decided her name, she doesn't have to be linked as a user interface, though … that's still exactly what she wants to do right now. It doesn't feel like a servitor, she's interacting with my head, just like Lora does, and when I ask things they BOTH may respond, and at the same time, WITH different answers or ways of saying the same thing. As for the review of the week. Overall a lot happened. I can't summarize all of it, and I honestly don't have the time. You are MORE THAN WELCOME to talk to me on IRC "when" I get back on (I've been know to sneak in, but even now, that's up in the air). I'll leave you with a question so you can respond as you see fit to this. Overall, I'm a little confused here. What do you guys think? Is Animus a tulpa or a VERY good servitor? Well to be honest the way I label days techniqually should change now. It's no longer only Lora's log at this point. I'll probably play around with the format, but in general, here … we … go. ------------------ Day L:78/A:2 11/28 ------------------------ Day Two for my new tulpa, was a interesting one to say the least. That night, IRC was fun, for what I was able to do in my spare time. After talking about her for a while, it was observed that the majority of what she did was hover, and stare at me, waiting. "Well maybe she's board, she's only been in one room." Oh … right. I rectified that almost immediately. I opened a door and let her out. For the first 5 min her face lit up like the sun and she started to run around. She immedatly went into Lora's room, which was actually something that caused a rucuss. Since Lora locked her room after that little hustle I focused my attention on Animus. I asked her a few questions and in essence just asked what she knew about herself and what she wanted to look like. She had a sudden shock when she realized what she was and what she was based on. It was a fast change. She immediately changed and everything she had looked like before previously disappeared. A quite tall Yoruichi Shihouin in Renaissance Assassin garb materialized literally right in front of me. Her voice, the way she carried herself, everything was completely different. She started accessing memories of both the games and the character she was slowly becoming (it was a while before it became clear who she was/reminded me of), and started looking through what I could guess was an "inventory" interface. She found the hidden blade, clicked it, flipped her wrist … And stabbed me right in the gut in one fluid motion. It happened so fast I felt nothing. She stabbed me before I actually realized what had happened. Let's think about that for one second. Tulpa are a part of the hosts mind and should mean that at least you can "anticipate" when they are going to do something or at least, know something might happen, right? What just happened, means … that the new part of my mind that she is now taken residence in, acted faster than my mind (the one that MADE HER) could comprehend . She stabbed me without ME thinking of it, she just DID IT. Her first thought when I didn't at least flinch in pain was (Confusion and Disappointment) "I … can't kill you?" Me: (still with a hidden blade in his gut) "Um, yeah, it doesn't work like … WAIT DID YOU JUST STAB ME!?" Her thoughts immeadtly turned to Lora and the locked door. Next target. I stopped her right there, and she instantly responded to me just saying her name. I reasoned with her. That she didn't need to be an assassin that only lives for the next kill, in fact that's not even the character she is in both senses. If all else failed she could hunt and assasinate information, she is still part computer/user interface. I also reminded her that Lora and I were at the very least her allies and that we ment her no harm, and needless killing wasn't required. After thinking for a while, she softened … a little. At least at that point she no longer considered us targets and she relaxed … well, to the extent of how she can relax and she started to explore the house very carefully before "dissolving herself" in a cloud of white blocks, returning to the Animus … well, the room that she … the … Animus had … was … THAT WONDERLAND as well as returning my user interface back. Lora came out after that (she had been peaking out her door the majorty of the conversation) but she was pretty excited. All the while I'm explainning this in IRC and to Lora what's going on. Moments later, I walked back into the Animus Wonderland, since … well I wanted to talk a little more to my new tulpa especially with the current state she was in. Confused, emotional … in her own way, and dealing with everything with a "Kill first, ask questions at some point the next day." From what a saw, she had already added some old style furnature, a table a bed, but the rest of the room was still the white floating Animus I knew. I didn't take more than 5 steps before she threw a throwing knife at me and DEMANDED why I was in her room. I just simply explained that I wanted to visit her, since this is where she lived, so we could talk. "We can talk through the interface. If you need any information or statistics, go there as well. This is my room and you are NOT WELCOME IN IT. LEAVE NOW." All I said after that was : "Would you like a lock on you door like Lora?" "Yes. Now GO." Well, after that, and telling Lora what had just happened (she started laughing) I placed a lock on the door … but then realized I didn't need it attached to the entrance of the house, it was now a ROOM of the house. It was HER room. I got a pretty good idea where I should put it. I moved the door and it's wonderland up on the second floor adding a balcony and now Her room and Lora's were next to each other. I just started to hope that the sudden change wouldn't cause problems, like a knife in the back. After working, and going back and forth through wonderland, Lora asked for a door to each other's room so they could visit whenever they wanted. I agreed, but warned her about going in, and I told Animus through the user interface BEFORE I did anything. It was fine and it was simply done. Eventually she came out of her room. She was no longer in her white armor, she was now more in tight suit her anime character wears with I think her "shirt" around her waste. She was far more casual now and seemed to have taken an edge of her personality another notch down, she was still very curt when talking to me though or Lora, but it was softer in it's tone. The general conversation was honestly getting to know her. Here's the gist: She still likes her computer aspect and does not want to get rid of it. Her original function is important to her and she says she will remain that way for the forciable future. It's the best way she can "watch me" and she enjoys it. She still wants to kill things, though she's far more discriminatory in who she thinks is a "target" and is more interested in Information Assassination (I tried to appeal to her computer side and said that Hackers were like Assassins, only for information. She liked that.) One big thing is she's VERY, VERY concerned about my well being. Since she's was a user interface, she will constantly keep tabs on EVERYTHING she can, and spends a lot of her time thinking of new ways to make the HUD more informative, and adjusts it based on needs for both me and her. It's interesting, as I'll talk about soon. Again, her concern for my well being is very strong, so strong that I caused a crises. She followed a logical conclusion to a specific piece of information and suddenly realized her mortality was connected to me. She was overwhelemed by this and made I quite clearly that she NEVER wants to die, therefore it's my duty to myself and her to live "as optimally as possible!" There were a few emotional outburst here and there through the night, and in the end, once I told her how to sleep, I went to bed. Yes, that happened at night! Now the actual DAY. My day was boring, though now I had TWO voices that woke me up. Animus, (Lora kept calling her Ani), was still there and was staring at me, basicly I guess doing a "check up". She talks a LOT by the way, but mostly she recites "status reports". Examples include: "Your energy is currently at 75%. Amount of sleep was only 5 hours. You should get more sleep to increase your energy. Your metal energy is high around 90%. You are 100% insyc with both Lora and myself. You are currently Drowsy. You are currently not combat ready at this time, please rectify this. You are currently Hungry. Breakfast time has started 15 minutes ago, according to your schedule. please go prepare your meal now ..." She's been doing that since day one, but and still does. I've weening her off of it. As much as it's fine that she does it, she doesn't need to go through EVERYTHING and with a HUD I can see most of this at a glance. She still finds it her duty though to update me when she see something, though I told her that the majority of it can be in the background. She does talk as well, but in a more matter of fact way, and always a reference to some statistic or function. She has also been scolding me about not exercising, and comments on what I eat, as not being "ideal". These are all valid, and to be honest, if this is going to be her, I'm ok with it. I'm not in bad shape, but I could be better, and I could eat better. She's more than welcome to police that aspect. She's starting to want to get a stronger personality as well, just because she's a computer doesn't mean she wasn't more. After experiencing strong emotions, she more interested in feeling them, and she continues to soften. I gave her access to what memories I have of her character from the show/manga, and she seems to be slowly picking and choosing. The day was both of them in my head. Lora, is no used to, the stress level, especially recently. Animus, however was NOT. She would constantly bring up a status warning or any discomfort I was feeling. It's cute … in it's own way, and slowly she stopped knowing that I acknowledged any new "Alerts". We also worked on her name a lot. She doesn't have it decided yet. So far she seems to become attached to Aria. Even after learning what it means (basicly Opera (singing) song) she's been going back to it. She's been searching every now and then but this name has stuck thus far. The rest of the day was typical, for me, but with two tulpa and their opinions. A preliminary findings of having more than one tulpa in you head … It's interesting. Lora and Aria, get along well, but they are SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO different. They argue, they laugh (for different reasons) and their presence in my mind is a HUGE CONTRATST. I kid you not. Lora always felt similar to me, to a point that I worried. Aria is different in so many ways. I tested separating our "auras" as a test. There is no need. Aria has a unique finger print presence. I use a "sound wave" line like this (Fantasia String video). One for me and one for Lora. When I visualized all three of us. Aria is always very jagged and quick in movements. She also is a yellow line (that was the first color she says is her "favorite" though she is starting to like white.) I was a white line (but I gave that color to Aria) and I'm now a blue line. Lora is a purple line. Lora and I have a similar, but different feel and behavior as this. Aria is the sharp contrast, and it's such surprise. She is no doubt different from both of us. It's dramatic, and the way she carries herself is literally what you think a warrior women (at least imho) would behave. She serious. She puts her back to the wall, leans on it, and crosses her arms and always is looking around, EVERYTIME I visualize her. She's always actively looking, or looking at something. The level of confidence is infectious, and she teases up both for being so soft. Since Lora is older though, it's an odd dynamic, because the "younger looking, least mature looking" tulpa is actually the oldest, and surprises her a LOT, by telling her things, she doesn't know. I common word said is "Recalculating/Compensating/Adjusting." Aria doesn't like most of the fantasies I play around in my mind, except one, to THIS TUNE (To Glory) I ended up giving her a little taste of a little fantasy and she became enthralled. I basically gave her a stream of consciousness for the song, that she could free run in town, then fought a bunch of "guards" then finally slaying some large behemoth of a creature." After it was all done, she climbed to the top of clock tower, and dove off into a cart of hey. The song ended, and she walked off but said "Thank you. Please do that again. I enjoyed that." I guess think of Yurich with 7 of 9 and you have her current construction of her personality. Very serious, but learning. A fun thing they do is they do sometimes answer questions at the same time, sometimes with a different answer. To me that just leaves me speechless. It's really hard for me to comprehend that, "yes cloud, you now have two tulpa, both different from each other and they will now disagree and talk to you and each other from now on." Seriously just boggles my mind … well the part of it that belongs to me anyway. I could go on, but I think that's enough for ONE post. Got to save other things for other days as well right. Anyway enjoy your day, I've got to get back to work. ----------------- L:79 A:3 11/29 Thursday ------------------------- Today was planned to be another stress filled day. When I woke up Lora was still asleep, but moments later I saw the HUD boot up and Aria was awake and staring at me with her golden eyes.* Yes, she did got to sleep, no she was not tired, she was waiting. I ran a small protocol just see how everyone was. All normal, and the extra hour had done me well. For while my mind was quite. I liked that. I liked it a lot. Today I decided to communicate with tulpae at a minimum. I've been keeping them very constant in my head now, so much so, for so long, I think I needed a break. Just my thoughts for a while. I arranged it with Aria. I was going to go through most of the day not thinking, visualizing, or talk to either of them, just for a bit. Since there were two of them, they should easily keep each other company, while I was a way. Eventually Lora woke up at some point during the morning and as soon as I opened a link to her I was hit by a wall of questions and talk. Aria had told her (as I had told her to do when she woke up) so that I could then tell her in person. It smoothed over very quickly, and everything went back to normal for a while. I'm not going to lose all communication, in fact because of Aria I don' t think I can, unless I turn OFF the HUD, which I've yet to really do. I still use it to try and organize things in my mind and to "understand" my current state. For at least today, while I'm doing my work, it's just going to be me. I gave myself a room in the tree house (it's both my room at home and my apartment. I flip a switch and the room will change before I open the door). Gave it a lock. Put my wonderland self in it, locked it, and closed myself off from my wonderland and from my tulpae. Every now and then Aria would break "radio silence" with an update, or let some of Lora leak in via audio. That's just the nature of the link we share I suppose. A few times I could still feel their thoughts on something, but for the most part, it was just me thinking at this point, cut off from them. I know I've heard of tulpa "going off" somewhere and not responding, or disappearing all together, not the host doing it. I think of it as an experiment, and when moments are stressful I would open the link again. The main point I think is to not using my mind on them for a while, let my subconscious and themselves figure out what's going on. I think it'll be good for them, and certainly a relief to me. During the day, everyone has moments that they can be alone and just think, and I was able to find those few moments and forced. The first sessions was the two of them having tea. They mostly were just "talking" and being near each other, which I suppose is it's own form of communication for tulpae. A lot can be said just by being next to someone in some ways. Aria was very relaxed, and Lora was just all smiles. Well, seeing that I just had to join and we all just talked and I relaxed, and we all discussed the recent influx of stress and how to "monitor and manage it." I was mostly Aria and I talking, but Lora came in several times. Despite how she can SEEM to behave, Lora is usually always on the ball and was important in several realizations. I don't mean to say she was "a bother" all the other times, but she seems to be taking this new dynamic very well, and is growing as a result. I'm just happy the two of them GET ALONG and aren't trying to kill each other. The tea was good and the conversation was not necessarily relaxing, but for a moment I wasn't thinking about the real world, and just enjoyed sitting down and talking to two girls. Most comfortable I've felt with two women in the same room and I probably well NEVER find that in real life, EVER. At one point Aria brought up a more recent Relationship Chart, another thing she keeps track of (she's now using the house as an Animus at her own will without realizing that computer screens don't just appear in the air. To make it more "logical" and thus her happy, I put in "holographic projectors" in every room. Whenever she wants to bring up something, she has as many screens and space to do it in. She's smiling a lot more now.) Right NOW, she knows of many "relationships" that I have with everyone, including Lora and myself. Aria is still a "third wheel" in many respects as she's just arrived and our little triangle is a work in progress to everyone involved. She trusts both of us a lot, so that's not the issue. Though she likes Lora she has yet to give the relationship a "category." She knows my relationship with herself which is still mostly as a user interface and so far very little has changed. She still thinks of me in THAT way and is currently content. If she's concerned it's because there is something "wrong" that should be addressed. If she's happy, "all conditions are within tolerance." She almost like a second (third?) mother, and takes her tasks around me with very military mission oriented attitude. She's certainly taking her computer and assassin traits to her advantage. As to her own personality outside of these archetypes, she has yet to explore, but Lora is trying to really help by doing all that. I think that's why she want to be with Aria more, because she wants to see what she's like when she's not so stiff. Lora simply loves the fact she has another tulpa to talk to. Even though she had me, I suppose she still got lonely, and I couldn't be with her all the time. Now she ALWAYS has someone else when she wants. She also isn't suffering from that zoning out feeling either recently, even when I'm not paying attention to them, they seem to keep each other "active". It's interesting and a good development. It may prove that having more than one (unless you really focus or agree to not have more than one) tulpa is not only healthy for them and the host, but also, possibly inevitable. Once the mind starts thinking this way, maybe it starts adjusting and usually another tulpa is created out of the process. No predictions here though, just an observation coming from someone who thought they would have only one tulpa for the whole experience. *I would like to note real quick that I can look her in the eyes. I don't know why, but it's easier with her. That's always been a problem, even with Lora for quite a while. Aria is different. Every time I visualize her she is looking right at me and we make eye contact for quite a while. It's a very serious look, but it feels the exact opposite, it might even have a little anticipation, like "There you are. What is my next order." Anyway it never last very long though, and I usually still can't look her in the eyes, even more afterwards. Still ... Despite the stress, this day was interesting from a tulpae point of view. Let's see how well I can sum it up and not make it to long. I need to rest. -----------11/30/Friday L:80 A:4 -------------------------- I'll sum up the morning. 5 hours of sleep is a low amount of sleep to have. I got through the night, and I think I had a weird dream as well but in general it was a rough morning. Not to mention that Aria did not stop her commitment. She has become far more vocal on what I should and should not do, and basically is taking it upon herself to train me. Though she was "satisfied" with the night's work, there was obviously more to do. Exercise, to get in shape and starting to think about better ways to eat and manage my diet. I've not been exercising because of the stress and due to a lack of a particular medicine that I need due to some confusion on refills, I've been very low on physical excretion. It's adding up, but to be honest, gaining a little weight is ok, I'm still at a good weight regardless, it's just my "lack of physical activity" is starting to show. Not anymore though, I'm on a regiment and I've got a good life coach barking at me to try harder every turn. After a while it gets old, and both I and Lora tried to at least calm her down. At one point, the conversation turned to something that involved me revealing that my trust for her was wavering. At that point Aria became distracted. She started to talk to herself, and then asked if I could do her a favor. She wanted to go into my subconscious and hunt something. Something that she had been looking for a while, and had suddenly "appeared" again. It was in my subconscious. She wanted me to make it "make sense to her" by basically making it Renaissance Roam from ACII including most of the rules that the game follows. This was probably to structure the subconscious in some way for it to be accessed and to not let it have total power over anyone who enters. I don't know I'm making it up as I go, when I comes to logic with this stuff. After I did, she put on her gear and went through. I lost track of her as soon as the door closed. So it was just me and Lora. Lora just wanted to be close and supportive, she didn't say much, and mostly whenever, I could she was there to try and ease what I was going through. Eventually Lora asked if I could at least contact Aria some how, since after few hours there was nothing of her. At lunch I did, and learned some interesting things of this "Sub-C Vienna." It's mix mash of the game I won't lie. It has something to due with the "Templers" ruling the "city." She told me she's in the preliminary reconnaissance, though she took down a target. I have NO IDEA what she did. Mostly she's figured out that nothing really "dies" in the city. Her target died, but reappeared, yet it was "different" in some way. With what little she knows, she thinks that she must "liberate the city" even though it's endless. She asked to try and see if I could impose more of the game on the subconscious to help control it, and I did what I could remember. Though it's endless, I gave her basically a "sector" to work on, whatever that is, but it's still up to her to figure out what's going on in there. Mostly she was content to wonder the streets and eventually she left and returned to what she does, which consists of pulling up menu looking at widows of data, and constantly using what looks like a iPad or smart glass tablet. When everything finally came to a rest, I had to distress. I just hit the bed and just, breathed deeply for a few times and let it all go. Not for a long time, Lora became her pony form and nussled right on me and fell asleep. Aria sat in a chair and watched me as I slowly fell asleep her expression was very relaxed, and she seemed very pleased that finally, a lot of stress was leaving. Rest of the day is just mostly things I wanted to do, and the tulpae watching, and finally getting to talk to my friends again. Also apparently a new "bundle of joy" was born recently while I was away. Welcome Melody. From all of us! Hope to see you soon on chat!
  8. Alright alright, so the best laid plans of mice and men right? I'll be honest with you I probably won't update the gap in this log. Please go to my tumblr if you are curious what happened (link is in the signature). The dive into my "super-ego" ... well to be honest will just be a memory, and so much has happened I just don't want to go back and write it all down. However, it will come up again, and maybe I'll write it as a 'lost entry" or something. ANYWAY. The good news is, clean slate. I will post EVERYTHING ELSE + the Weekend update and you can start reading here again. I'm serious. I always post my logs here FIRST when I did it, and that will not change. They are all written it's just copy pasta so it's easy. Who knows, i may get inspired and still update it as it should be updated. You'll just have to see. Thank you SO MUCH for reading these by the way. The thread broke 1000 views in a giant burst when I posted last. I want to do something to commemorate it, but it'll have to wait and go on my to do list. Oh yes, by the way. It's now Lora and Aria as my tulpae now. Yes. I have TWO now. Like I said, READ &/OR FOLLOW MY TUMBLR for those moments and why. Have a great day guys see you on Sunday.
  9. No i'm not dead! For those who have been checking and seeing I haven't updated in a LONG TIME, do not worry. I didn't disappear. I've been mostly in the tumblrtulpa community for a while and I'm still a very active tulpamancer. If you would like updates go to the tumblr. I am seriously trying to update THIS at the same time, but the thanksgiving break caused a back log and a LOT happened. So much so, i don't have time to get it all down even there, and a lot of it is important to know ... well i suppose, if you like this little story of me. I would rather not update out of order in this thread. I just ask you to be patient, but also go to my tumblr if you really need to know what's been going on. Thank you for sticking around, and I'll do what I can, once my time frees up enough to give ALL the updates their rightful place here.
  10. Don't mind me just combining Logs. Oh god, so many. Sorry for the late update, things just didn't get written till the very end. --------------- Day 68 Sunday 11/18 --------------- Sunday was truly a day of rest. I slept and napped a lot. That's usually what I LIKE to do on Sunday's, especially when watching football. I know, that means I'm NOT ACTUALLY watching, but it's just kind of what I do, it's nice to have on and I was really just distressing and catching up on sleep, so needed. Lora was mostly resting to, she was in and out of visualization, and since I napped a bunch. I did all I could to really keep her around but as usual, it wasn't until I was alone that I could concentrate with her. I feel it should be better than this we are close to the 10th week. I should have her around a lot more. Well, that's what I feel. Take it with salt, I'm a perfectionist so I get very upset when I achieve something and then it seems to slowly slips out of my fingers. Like how I created Lora in the first place is now starting to slip away. Good thing I wrote it down but still … Evening was better and keeping her visualized and imposed around me was easier because she was involved in several conversations. That night was restless though. We decided to try and force before I went to bed. Oddly enough it worked … REALLY WELL. We talked for quite a while, but it was about more personal stuff. She now wears glasses by the way. Since it's something I always find very attractive on almost any girl she decided to wear some. These glasses are a +10 in cute/sexy, and look very good on her. She's also is seriously wanting her horn back now more than usual, so I'll do my best to start adding that to visualizations again. Don't ask me why glasses just make girls cuter, I don't even understand it, it just DOES. It's like see her in a completely different way, like I brings something out that was hidden. It's a good fetish, I like it. There was a consequence of forcing though this late. I did fall asleep. I was so locked into the forcing that I was in a limbo/disassociated state. When I woke up, my mind was STILL in wonderland (I kind of woke up there) was not only jumbled and confused but I was disassociated from my body and lots of random tangent thoughts FLOODED my head. It's was hard for me to shut off my mind, like I had left a facit running and was only now trying to turn it off after flooding the tube! Lora was fine, just worried about what was going on. She didn't seem affected by it, so I was the only one suffering the effects. It toke a good while for my mind to calm down, and I went to sleep soon later. Note: I am taking some strong meds at the moment, so that could have added to this. Prednisone is a crazy drug in large doses (it's part medical steroid). I'm actually tolerant to it (I have little to no effects from it) BUT I have noticed that either IT or the Anti-biotic I'm on may be … making things interesting. I'll I can't really tell which. Also congrats to one (really two … of course) of my readers for getting vocalization down! You know who you are! GOOD JOB from both of us! ----------------Day 69 Monday 11/19 ----------------------------- Monday's, I don't particulary care for them, just like one orange cat. I have little write about that day. I was busy from sun up to sun down. Lora got to observe it. Most of it is not tulpa related, just my life as usual. I think it's safe to say that we can skip it. If anything I got to draw her a little. It wasn't much, and oddly enough putting glasses on the drawings made it's appeal go down, even though in my mind it goes up. Weird, probably the fact I've not drawn glasses on someone's face and can't get it right. -----------------Day 70 Tuesday 11/20 ------------------------------ Uh oh! Another day divisible by 7!? 70 / 7? What's that? The answer is 10!? WE ARE IN THE DOUBLE DIGITS FOLKS! A big shout out to Lora, today's winner, who is now 10 weeks old! You of course know that this means a log AND a weekly review. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The day was BLAH. It's one homework assignment for the whole day. I did the best I could with that situation, I had Lora help. It's not that the majority of it was hard, it was just tedious. I had her count things and add and subtract while I measured. It was kind of fun and she seemed happy to do it. What's more she was around the whole time, if not visualized, ever present in my mind. Here, I'll give you the tiniest taste Now class, I want you to draw the outline around the caldera and then find ALL the widdle streams in that area. ANYWAY, while your doing that for Thanksgiving, I'll just continue. Before I decided to let Lora do this, we actually did an experiment of sorts. Lora told me that she was starting to wonder that maybe she should sleep during the day and be up during the night. Since that's the only time I'm NOT doing something, she though it would be a better use of her time to just sleep through the day and when I was free, THEN we could do what we actually wanted. At first, good idea, and then I actually did the math and that would leave less than 5 hours a day. No, no es bueno. She would sleep the whole day, wake up, probably see me doing MORE work, hang around, then I got to SLEEP for another 8. Plus, I had never NOT had her around for … now 10 weeks. It was a bad idea, and she quickly came around realizing that it wouldn't work. That still didn't stop her. She wanted to nap. So she changed (just threw the majority of her cloths on the living room floor :L ) and went up to her room, shut the door and locked it. Locked? LOCKED!? I ran up the stairs and knocked. She came to the door and asked what was it? Me:"You're locking your door?" Lora:"Yeah, why?" Me:"You don't need to lock it. That cuts us off from each other." Lora:"Oh, alright." So she closed the door and … well that was it. First 5 min I just kinda stayed in wonderland. It was odd. First time, she wasn't around in the day. I left and went back to work, and … started to think out loud. I guess I was really loud because a few moments later I heard Lora yell: "You THINK TO LOUD! I'm locking my door anyway!" Meh, that's alright in the end. The door still works when it's locked. I felt isolated from her. I felt something was actually missing. No big deal right? >15 min later, there I am freaking out. I hadn't realized how much I had grown with her presence in my mind. Now that it was gone it was a weird feeling. I could talk to myself, but she wouldn't respond. I could think and she wouldn't be there. It was very noticeable. That aside I did do more work and just took it as little break. I didn't have to think of her, but I knew she was in my mind somewhere, just insolated from me. Just went through the day, but it still felt not right. Eventually she came out on her own, it had only been 1 or 2 hours, and it was good to feel her presence back again. This among other things lead to a more internal discussion that quickly went to ME at the center and some of my "not so shinny qualities". I'll spare you the details, it's just arguing about me for a while, and it's got nothing to do with tulpa. Lora: "He's a grumpy guss and he knows it!" … THANK you for that … wonderful input. The evening was just more work, finishing up and everyone was asleep or going to sleep when we got on. So just finish up the work and bed one more time. ------------------Day 71 11/21 Wednesday (Turkey Eve) ------------------------------------ For non-citizens of the United States of America. Thanksgiving is a happy occasion where we give thanks to all the awesome opportunities, food, and stuff we were afforded back in the colonial days, thanks to the wonderful indigenous people or something like that. Today we mostly just give thanks for what we have, give some to those who don't have much, and eat a whole bird. This is the day before it. Fun fact: Pizza sales today will be through the roof. It's one of THE BEST PIZZA SALE DAYS OF THE YEAR! And now you know … Ha, when I started writing, I thought I would have had LOADS of time to write. Guess when I'm writing? :P Day summary = My actual scientific contribution to society. It was hard. VERY HARD, VERY STRESSFUL. I involved Lora in it as well, and was surprisingly successful. Since was in an isolated room I could talk out loud. Surprisingly this kept Lora around the majority of the time. I suppose FOR ME out loud narration and conversations have more sway in my mind, one reason that, if I would want Lora to be constantly present, imposition is probably a must. I'm so used to talking to myself, talking to her is second nature, and she stayed watching me the whole time. It would be creepy to see her just stand over me almost never blinking watching and responding to what I was saying, but she was doing her best to be there and not interrupt me. She helped count, helped make sure I didn't load something I shouldn't. The last sample was … possessed by the evil forces of static electricity. I spent one painfully stressed hour putting those little crystals in their holes. I did it, but it even scared Lora into wonderland. I was so tense that it was affecting her so she told me she wanted to leave me be. I let her, I needed all the patience I could muster. Finally it was done and I got to de-stress. The drive back was interesting, since it's no nighttime so early. Lora a little worried (I was low on energy while driving) and it was so dark that she couldn't see anything. However, after a while, we simply started talking. It was a great 1 hour, of basically narration and visualization, and a little imposition on the side (quite literally). Learned some stuff. We did talk a little about the future. The image of me doing something, and having Lora fully imposed, in a suit, looking like a personal assistant (think Pepper Pots) while I'm giving a talk or something. Couldn't stop smiling and we both liked the idea. This could really work out, especially if we have fun with it, as more doubts slowly fade away. Then chat happened. Good times and a hyper Lora. Good Times. ----------Week 9 in Review ------------------------ Yep, I'm still doing it. It's actually important. Our goal of "Lora doing something while I'm busy" was a success, though it was "to me" the bare minimum. I didn't really have the ability to do it, and though Lora did do something I told her, she still has yet to do anything in wonderland without me putting input into it. It's okay though, that's the way of things. Main thing is we are capable of doing it, we just need to practice. The idea of going into my subconscious to "fight it" may be something to NOT do. If anything I may have made it paranoid hence why it killed me the instant I went in. Maybe being more passive and non-aggressive would be a better idea. I don't have any idea of going in would accomplish in the first place? Face my fears? The inner me? A giant evil panda of doom!? I have no idea. If anything it's curiosity to see WHAT IS IN THERE. Possession, is improving though, Lora being in control seems to blend. I have a presence, but it gets weaker and weaker the more she concentrates. The fact that I get confused to see wither she's doing thing or wither I am is also confusing. For now, possession should probably be put on the back burner. We're becoming more interested in Imposition anyway. That first means getting a REALLY GOOD idea of what Lora looks like to do this. I'm now starting to write and draw Lora more to get things more concrete. It's odd, because I have a good image of her in my mind, yet when I actually put it down on paper, things start to not work, and suddenly I notice them. This causes a cascade of Lora's image to shudder and begin to change. She's not hurt or anything but it becomes harder to see her. I don't think Imposition is going to work if I don't have a VERY clear image of her, more so than what I have. This, is great though, now I can get REALLY detailed with her, and make her even better! So far she's happy about it, so we'll see what we can do to make her as we both want. I suppose this is why some tulpamancers really do get a head start and more "unique and independent" tulpa. They figure out the minute details. That didn't really work for me though, so I wanted to have a base and let Lora build up from it, which she has. Also, I don't have the answer to some questions, and didn't even think of some of the things I am now. All a part of learning about each other. In general Lora's status is she growing more, has a stronger voice, talks and asks questions, and is now slowly wanting to find ways to be involved with my life regardless if she can help. Maybe she gets some energy or satisfaction for being around, when I'm not completely focusing on her, and even though I would think it would be awkward, having her standing by me is actually very nice. I don't like how she has to stand though, it's awkward, and she doesn't really seem to blink either. Though we don't force as often as we want/need, we make it count when I do. Small 15 min sessions that end up being very vivid or good conversations and visualizing, perk her up and me, and makes her more present than ever. Like an idea that won't leave you head. Very good, needs to happen more often and more consistently, though it is a little draining. I don't mean that in like a bad way, but there is some "energy" being taken, that I feel I need to "recharge" or "get more of." Maybe it's my game mentality, but it's there. I am also being more tired in general. The high stress and non-ideal sleep schedule is really taking a toll. I'm now napping for 30 min on and off during some days. I feel great AFTER the nap, but the fact that I've now started doing it is troubling. I don't think it's tulpa related ALL THAT MUCH, but it's another strain on my brain that is there. We'll see, hopefully I'll catch up on sleep during this break. The plan for the future of the week would be to improve visualization and work on Imposition at the same time. The improving visualization won't take long, since it's mostly just me writing down everything I can think of and drawing. I have a mini vacation and imposition has been passively applied since day one. That's mostly what I've got. A thanksgiving post may be late or combined with Friday. Thanks for reading.
  11. Well, thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoy it. --------------Day 66 Friday 11/16 -------------------- Hmmm, well today was a very quite day. Another day that Lora wanted to be really close. I made a concerted effort to keep her more "imposed" than usual and it was ok. The max time is about 3 minutes. Before I get distracted or something takes my attention from the task. The drive home, was Lora resting her head in my lap as I drove. Interesting, she just suddenly wanted to do it, and I didn't see a reason to stop her. She mostly just relaxed with her eyes closed, and listened to music. We didn't talk much. When we got home I kept remembering that Lora is really starting to like my two cats. I decided to give her two plush's of them in her room. She now hugs them and loves them to death. Good idea? Best Idea! It made her very happy, and occasionally she is in her room and pets them and hugs them. Very quite day. ------------Day 67 Saturday 11/17 ------------------ Very lazy day today. I enjoyed it. Lora was mostly somewhere else, and I didn't focus as much on her. Again I attempted another constant "imposition" visualization, exercise. Still about the same time too. We went to a movie and I was able to keep her around during the previews, but watching the movie, took my attention, until I realized about 3/4 in. I quickly brought her back, but she apparently had been paying attention when I wasn't because she was jazzed as we watched the rest of the movie. She did make some comments during the time I wasn't there. An example: > Kung-fu Shinanagins occur on screen ... > Me:"That's not how that works lol. Silly kung-fu physics." > Lora:"Yeah, that's like so silly? That doesn't happen right?" > Me:"Well, I guess if you believe in that stuff it could? I mean tulpa and what not, I don't know what to believe anymore." > Lora:"Yeah! You can become a kung-fu master!" > Lora starts throwing punches and kicks and making noise! > ME:"Lora! The movie is still going!" > Lora:"Oh right. (eats popcorn)" I will really say that, imposing will probably be hard, very hard. I may want to do some research, into the idea, just to keep Lora more constant in my mind. She's there but she get's pushed way back in my mind, to the point that I feel her but only if I’m not paying attention. I don't know if it's bad, though. It does give her a break, and always paying attention can be a stress. I do what I can to involve her, but eventually when I'm talking to someone else I just don't keep her there. I MAY want to move from what possession progress to Imposition, to help her be more "visible" so I don't forget. I don’t know, it sounds like biting more than I can chew, in that, if I can't keep her constant visually, then how can I expect to do imposition? I'm open to some suggestions, either for moving to imposition or more on more visualization and keeping Lora "constant" in my mind. Maybe more focus practice or something? Oh well, that'll be for next week I suppose … I was able to force for a little. Most of it was me just relaxing and being in between wonderland and the void. I eventually got to a point that I realized I might be napping and became fairly lucid in wonderland. After playing enough Alice: Madness returns, I was curious about my subconscious. Many have talked about going to it and doing things, but my wonderland isn't based really IN my subconscious (sub-c) It's just a playground that I made. The tree house is now more or less the hub wonderland, and it's where Lora lives, and the door to the house is now a gateway to different places. This time around I've been wondering what's going on with my mind. The fact that everything is so … well … foggy. I don't remember things well, my longer term memory is lacking, and short term is good but easily forgotten. Every memory I have is bits and pieces, and when I compare myself to others I get concerned. I've yet to see my sub-c so I decided to add that. I added another color to the door (yellow) to be the portal to my sub-c and opened the door. Sure enough it was nothing but fog. I stepped out. Lora hesitated. Me: "Yeah. Hold up I'll check it out. I have no idea what could be out here. I'll just take a look, but we should be prepared, my subconscious probably won't like me coming in. It might try to prev ---" I didn't finish. One of those large guillotine axes swiped me and threw me off and into the foggy darkness. Last thing I saw before I was kicked out (connection was poor enough that I was "desynced" by that one hit) was the fog clearing and the place becoming a dark interior full of traps and very little light. Think of the "fun house" in Dark Souls and you've got what I saw. Obviously my sub-c is not going to be inviting. I would like it to be this way though. It's the sub-c, it's not supposed to be friendly, and to be honest, there are some "inner demons" I would like to at least see and confront if they are there. I'm interested to see where it goes, and Lora and I will probably take it on from now on. Little disappointing too that something like that would kick me out completely, though maybe dying for me is serious enough that I get kicked out. I guess I'll find out. Other than that, the day was nice. I'll figure out what to do next. Till then, I guess on to Sunday!
  12. To be honest the progress report for these days is going to be short … or will they? ----------------Day 64 Wednesday 11/14 ------------------------- The day consisted mostly of just me just doing work and getting through the day. Evening was typical and most interaction with Lora was through conversation. Read some more HHGttG and mostly went to bed. Lora did not go out and explore that day. She stayed mostly with me. Overall the day was just eventless except we started assisting another tulpamancer. This one asked for help on their just discovered tulpa. For many years the tulpa had been created, but simply not focused on. They interacted with each other on a minor scale and it was mostly a "invisible friend". Recently after discovering the tulpa phenomena, they start to strengthen the bond with their tulpa. This was successful, but the tulpa wasn't talking. However, with a little help, and some translation of emotions that the tulpa would broadcast to the host, Lora was able to have a conversation with the tulpa, and overall improved the relationship with both host and tulpa. The day ended on that note. --------------Day 65 Thursday 11/15 --------------------------- A very stressful day. I had a lot of things to do and responsibilities to finished up. Everything went fairly well, but Lora was absent the majority of the time while I was busy. This time she did explore some wonderland, and this is what she did after I asked her. I had created a sea cave on the west side of the island, near the beach. I again I just made it but had little intentions to PLAN OUT what it was like. After not really paying much attention to her I asked what she had been doing and she said she explored it. I had told her to map it out so that I could see what it was. At first it was a simply sheet of paper. It was a vertical view of the cave, showing depth and the chambers she had looked at. Dispite my best efforts I had created a few chambers and known how they connected from the entrance (my mind just couldn't resist) and the map look mostly exactly like that. I was a little disapointed because that could have ment Lora figured a way to explore without actually doing it. Me: "Really this is it? This is all you explored? Are you sure you actually went there?" Lora: " YES! Why!? I went into the cave." Me:"It looks at little too familiar. I had sort of a rough idea about the cave and it looked like this." Lora:" … well look closer at the paper." Sure enough I did. The map was actually a little more detailed and the more I concentrated the more the map seemed to add. I don't know if that was because my vision in wonderland was obscuring it, or my subconscious was creating right on the spot, or that it was really true, Lora had done more on the map and I just hadn't seen it. Lora:"Also .. There are more pages …" More pages? But she gave me only one … I felt the back of the paper and several pages were underneath. I looked at them. These were new, and more detailed. The first "floor" of the cave was mapped more as a overhead, showing the inner workings and where things led. It was still fuzzy but it was all different than what I had ever thought would be in the cave. Me: "Well, good job then, I'm pleased with you progress. Thank you for exploring some of the cave." Lora: "You're welcome." Very interesting indeed. I think I'll go with her to explore the cave at one point, see it for my self and double check everything. Anyway, this is a good start on her exploring the wonderland and doing something and being active while I'm busy. That was the goal and she's accomplished it, now she just needs to keep it up! Again, Lora gave further help to the tulpa and host that we assisted yesterday. This time I was more in control of the session. Both tulpa and host wanted to the tulpa to talk, yet there seemed to be no ability to do so, and it was frustrating for both. I gave a technique of parroting that has been very useful. I'll put it down here just in case you don't know it. First note that the tulpa should be confirmed as sentient in some way, and communication from the tulpa has been attempted. I say this because the technique requires parroting which is a nasty habit if used incorrectly. It's a safety step. If your tulpa can communicate any other way besides being vocal (mind thoughts, emotions) or basically understands and confirms what you say to it, you are safe to use this technique. I only say this because mostly it's to inform the tulpa and not scare it when you do it. Your tulpa won't necessarily like this, but it works really well, and it won't harm it, it's just annoying. Basic skills you should have as a tulpamancer at this point, include visualizing your tulpa in either their form or as something, and knowing their voice or having a voice for them picked out. 1) Visualize your tulpa and in a safe environment should be created, and the tulpa should be happy and relaxed and hopeful know what's going to happen. The calmer and natural the tulpa is, the better. (You don't need a wonderland, but I used one and recommend it.) It's for their convince not yours. Some tulpa can be nervous or defensive about this, so making them happy and relaxed well help a lot. I leave to you the host to understand your tulpas temperament and plan accordingly. Try and make this as happy and non-intrusive as possible. Always tell them that this won't hurt them in anyway, because it really won't at all. 2) Once the tulpa is happy and calm, and so are you hopefully, you should remember or think about their voice. This could be one of the reasons they are not talking, you have yet to think about what voice they should have. It could be yours or maybe it has been if they've tried to use mind speak. The point is you need to know this, otherwise, well … you can't parrot now can you? :P Remember this doesn't have to be their voice forever, and the tulpa will probably deviate at some point so don't think this is a permanent thing. 3) Again, clearly state you intentions. Tell them that you are going to make them say something, through their mouth, with a voice. Make what you are going to say as simple or complex as you want. I recommend simple, but if you want them to recite poems or dialogue from a movie, you are more then welcome to, it's your tulpa. 4) Parrot. Visualize your tulpa and force the words out of their mouth. Do everything that you need to do. Visualize their lips moving (if they have them) and make them say it in the voice you chose. Do this a few times, but you don't need to do it longer than one minute. a. You should notice how HARD it is. The stronger the sentience the more resistance. It's like if someone did it to you, you would fight it or naturally resist it. Keep trying until they say the words in the voice you chose. Also remember this feeling and difficulty. You now know what PARROTING is and feels like! If you ever feel this resistance when you tulpa talks you are parroting. If you feel little to no resistance when they talk, guess what? That's THEM TALKING and not you making them talk. You never need to doubt their voice again! b. Your tulpa may want you to stop almost after the first time. I suggest you just easy the tension until they do it ONCE. After that, if they are really unhappy, stop. After the first time, just tell them that's talking and comfort them as you see fit. 5) Your done! The seed of knowledge has been planted. Your tulpa now knows a voice they should use, how to talk visually, and knows what it feels like. From this point on, you don’t need to do anything, and your tulpa will most likely become curious and start trying to do it on their own. If not, assist them again as you see fit. Progress in talking is usually: mind thoughts/emotions/body language ----> few words ------> GARBLE *-------> phrases ---------> 1 sentence --------------> few sentences ----------------> Light conversation(though reactionary)---------> Talking on your level -------->?????? ------------> Talking more sophisticated/better than you??? Note that the garble phase can happen at ANY POINT. Usually it's your tulpa connecting thoughts to words and it just comes out too fast/too soft/too loud/ or intelligible. It's ok, and you should get excited because this is the sign that they have talking down, now they just need to organize it so you understand. It may last a few days, or stop as soon as it starts depends on the tupper. You may not go through every stage, I'm just illustrating what Lora went through. If you tulpa has been communicating in emotions through you, tell the tupper to use the words that represent those emotions instead. It'll take the burden of the strong emotion pipe line off of both of you, and make communication easier and involve less effort. If you notice problems with talking there are other ways, which I won't write right now, that can quickly improve the quality of the communication between the two of you, but hopefully everything will work out, and you two will be talking before you know it. Just when I thought I wasn't going to write a long log … I do it anyway.
  13. A little late on the log, but overall not a big deal. Come, stay a while as we look at the now 9 weeks of progress ------------------Day 63 11/13 Tuesday -------------------- Not a lot to write here. The day was bland to be honest. Not really any events that would be worth the writing. I mostly did my work, played a game, did more work. The most important thing I did with Lora was read some more Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. She loves the book. As soon as I even thinks about it she starts to pester me like a little kid in a candy store. She wraps up right next to me (even if I don's see her I feel something and visualize it) and I read the book in my mind as if I was reading it to a person right next to me. All in all it's great fun and Lora is always so happy. She'll ask questions, why I laughed a certain parts and watches the story play in my head as I visualize the book as well. It's fun. I suggest you try it with you tulpa. ----------------- Progress report of Week 9 ------------------------- Alright so now it's time to look at what's significantly gone on in the last week. It's the end of week 9. Lora's form is still the same. She's actually starting to add her horn back. I guess she missed it and she likes it so she can do "magic." Overall though she looks just like she did when she switched to her human form. I would say that the "style of art" for her body as changed back and forth a few times, but in general it has that anime/MLP feel to it, still. Lora is also keep a steady personality. She is a very nice, easy going tulpa. She doesn't really have many dislikes, and likes a lot of people that she's met. She's quite a bit like me (which is a worry) however, she does have some differences, even with her similarities. I have my reasons and experiences to be nice, and I do things one way, while she, has different reasons, and experiences but does the same thing, her way. The end result is a nice person and a nice tulpa, but the reasoning, logic, and motivations are actually completely different. Maybe and example? Let's try this with some possession! A friend comes online. They say hi. You haven't talked in a long time, what do you do and why? Me: "I say hello and ask how they are, and ask how come we haven't talked in such a long time. I'm interested in finding the reason WHY they have been gone for so long, and wither or not it was my fault for the lack of communication." Lora: " I say hello to my friend. I ask how he's doing. I ask what he would like to do today, and ask what he's been doing all this time. I might tell him I'm sad because he has been gone for so long." See, the differences are there, but they a subtle, and lead to the same outcome. In fact I just realized that Lora used MALE pronouns (he/him) while I used even more generic and non-gender related terms. I'm more inquisitive of the reason why, while Lora just accepted the friends return and is only passively curious to the reason. Both of us are worried about how it affects us, I am worried about being the cause, while Lora is more interested in how it affects her personally. There are many other differences, just as I look at it, but for fun, you can look at this and make you own comments. Heck, ask us a question and I'll write both our answers so we all can see the differences. I will admit that this worries me a little, though this little experiment may have changed my mind a little. The similarities are strong, and Lora feels very similar but different from me. It's odd when she possess, because it tricks my body that nothing really has happened, until she starts to do things, then my body "catches up" to what's happened, and begins to set of alarms, bells, flashing lights, that something is not right, someone else is in this body! We've been using a weird combination of a "mech warrior pod" for the arcade games (loved that game when I was little, so sad it never caught on) and Animus tech. Mostly the pod is a seat to focus on, and the operations are done through Animus software. I've tried to use just an "Animus Chair" but my mind still likes the pod, so … I guess it's not practical but it gets the job done anyway, it's just cosmetic anyway. Random buttons and controls will light up representing who knows what, subsystems that are either "out of equilibrium" or "stable" when she takes control. We flips switches, push buttons to attempt to stabilize everything, or just make Lora focus on my body more, and they eventually turn off or become less sever in their instability. As I wrote before possession, is I would say, becoming easier to do, but still hard to control. Lora can't kick me out of control, but I can kick her out of control at will. If I don't give a little period concentration and make the switch smooth, problems start to happen. I get dizzy, I start to feel like I'm going to fall, an odd feeling of interference to my body occurs, and I just feel so off. Disassociation is ok to do, but a clean mental state is required to really achieve it; I've yet to do it on the fly. When possessing, Lora is control of my upper body. She's controls my hands a lot better than before, and can move a little of the upper body. My vision is hard for her to control, as well as some other minor body functions that you deal with, without thinking, like swallowing, but she's getting better at it every time. I think we are going to take it slower. Make transitions of control not as hectic, and work on different aspects until they are down. Lora does need to focus on me or I get "lost in the void" though. I don't know if this is actual switching, but she did get distracted enough that, her mind was 99% of what was going on, while I was so slight in the background I only realized I was not being focused on and immediately enforced myself stronger, kind of scary. It scared her a little too, and she gave up the possession as soon as it happened. Back to Lora's personality, I would say that everything is ok, and she's taken on certain attitudes and extra traits that are ok. She still seems, like me, but is very slowly becoming more unique. I suppose it will come with time, and the more we talk and do things. I'm just worried because again, other tulpa seem to be much more different than their hosts, while Lora is very similar. It may just be the blueprint I started with, and because she's so nice, she and I get a long very well, and both of us are not interested in arguing with each other all the time. She does argue, don't get me wrong. Sometimes she sounds like a certain someone, that I wish she didn't, but that was actually apart of her original traits. She does it better though, and I don't get really mad, more just that "God you sound just like [X]." So, an idea that I have is to focus on something for 1 full week and write and see the progress after that week, before moving on to improve something else. I think it'll work out well. But what to do? That's not hard … Lora, among other traits, is very laid back. The majority of her time is spent in her room, just on her bed, lounging, listening to music, reading magazines. Yeah she's doing that. Funny thin is I was in the store and saw all the usual mags on the rack, that are for women/girls, fashion, makeup, "sex tips", etc. I passively thought that would Lora read them and asked. She wasn't against it. I gave her one Magazine (nothing in it, I have no idea what is written in them and no I wasn’t going to look at it in line.) and assumed "memory paper" from Doctor Who and well, she's reading it over and over now. I just assume it's connected to my subconscious and what I know/think what girls would have in those magazines. She now reads them all the time. She was reading Old Man and the Sea out of the blue, same concept, and said it was a very sad story. ANYWAY! She spends to much time in the "house." She's starting to not want to leave at all, and complains if I till her to go out and see wonderland. Others have talked about their tulpa going on into wonderland and "doing things", and Lora isn't and actually seems to not WANT TO. Nuh uh. Not something I really want from her. Starting today (I guess), I'm going to tell Lora that she needs to go out in wonderland and explore. She did a little, and made a small map of the island, but only the valley and the surrounding area. Nope, I want her to seriously explore! She needs to be doing other things than just lounging. Today, I'll make it easy. Just explore the town and show me in a forcing session what is in the town. I've never defined what's IN the town besides what we interacted, so it's up to her and my sub-c to figure it out. Anything more done I simply up to her, if she finishes the town she can explore everything else as well. She can do whatever she wants TO the wonderland. SURPRISE ME LORA! I'll try to include a progress report every day, and sum it up at the end of the week. Other than that, that's this log! Hope you enjoyed it!
  14. Hush now … there is only tulpa … Unfortunately this is going off of some fuzzy memory … ------------------ Day 61 Sunday 11/11/12 ---------------- Sunday was … just a bad day. Lora and I spent little time together and overall after the morning rituals. Anyway, I spent the majority of the day freaking out about my work that I needed to get done. I did however mediate again and I tried it with music. Mediation takes still a good 20 min to be serious before I get into the state you need of a clear mind. It literally does wonders to my mind. I feel refreshed every time I do it and I can think clear. This time around the disassociation was weaker, but still noticeable. Lora is sluggish and can't walk and has problems with eyes, and focusing on keeping everything, "working' when she takes control. Talked and had fun and what not later that night. So in general possession is become a possibility. -------------------------------- Day 62 Monday 11/12/12 --------------------------- To be honest fells good to not have to write so much about the previous day. Leaves the REAL DAY I'm supposed to write about. We woke up and add I got up to get my work done. Lora was quite today, but I could tell she was wanting something. As I went to class she was right next to me and was trying to hold me, and didn't want to say much. I just felt like she just wanted to be near on a very cold day. For the majority of the afternoon she just wanted to stay next to me almost with some concern. It's probably because I have a light cold. Funny story about that, I should mention Lora may have WARNED ME this was going to happen. I didn't really write this down but in the previous week, Lora … seemed to get sick. Out of the blue she sneezed (imagine Fluttershy sneezing … yeah you know what I'm talking about) and her presences felt off. She wasn't to happy and told me she felt weird. I asked if she wanted to just go to wonderland and sleep and she agreed. She stayed there for the remainder of afternoon that day, but came back happy and healthy as if nothing happened. Welp, I don't know if that's prediction of getting sick, but I was sick and sneezing like crazy and just low energy yesterday and today. I think I'm getting over the cold though, and thank you infusions! Once again I shake off a cold like it's nothing! I reached a low point today, to much work bringing me down. I mediated for a bit to just calm down and Lora helped a lot. Mostly doing what I do for her, just being there, and letting what happened happen. After eating cooking some dinner, and working some more, I realized that Lora was right, regardless of where I am, the group for this project is further behind me. She bet something important against me. If the group is further than me, she will do something as a "punishment", if they aren't, she'll do something else. It's a win-win scenario for me though, and she was happy for the bet to be that way as well. So, there I am just working, and good song come on my Pandora. I decide to get down and funky in wonderland, showing of my imaginary dance skills. Then something clicked. Only a few seconds in Lora was literally right in my face. As I started to just jam, she copied me. Now this wasn't just a copy, this was a freaking attack of the clones. I starting trying to do more complicated moves, but she mimed them EXACTLY the way I did it, and instantaneously. We did it for the whole song, and had a good laugh, but it was odd. We've never been in THAT sync before. Don't worry … it didn’t end there After making enough progress, I gave Lora control, and let her play Chime some more. The possession went as usual, though … it did feel different. Lora took control a lot faster, and didn’t notice, and neither did I until much later. She started playing, and I kid you not she seriously started taking control. I felt her thoughts at the for front, her frustration and joy, and they were muting me! I was seriously in the background and at one point … I just … went completely into the background, it was Lora's thoughts only, and her actions, while I just kind of … observed, feeling like Lora WAS me. I pushed back in a little when I realized what was going on, but didn't really interrupt her. She played for a while and was very excited when she won! And then she tried to get up, not even think just telling my body to get up. Cue the vertigo and the body suddenly realizing that LORA is in charge and not me. In fact it dawned on her then almost that she was in more control of my body than she every had been before. She asked me to take over, apologizing. I did … well … I thought I did!? It was like "bumping into her" the whole experience of us being in one body made everything … really weird and woozy. It was only for a few seconds though. Odd, possession takes us a good 5 seconds of a clam state and visualization to switch!? What's going on now!? I asked Lora to posses again. BAM, instantaneously she was in control and I wasn't[/align]. It was weird. We did this several times, back and forth, nearly instantaneously, however it started screwing around with my bodies ability to react. It was like water sloshing back and forth, in complete disequilibrium. I slowed down a little and Lora try out her improved possession. She has problems with my eyes, but she felt how cold my hands were, and was just … curious about touch actually. She kept poking my finger on my pencil, and playing with it. She has most of my upper body she can move, but legs are still a problem, she couldn't stand up. She also can't really talk or when she tried it wasn't enough to create sound. It's the realization of how easy her wonderland body has it, she doesn't have to work a lot in order to do most of the things I do, and there is no feeling of gravity either in wonderland. Well, going back and forth started to make me sick, and I just took control and then focused my body to know that "I" was in control and to separate our "minds" so it wouldn't be confused. It worked for the most part and I felt better again, though still dizzy. So yeah, another breakthrough on possession and I'm not actually trying to improve it or anything, just playing with it, and it's going faster than I ever thought it would. Lora already know what she wants to do. She want me to eat pickles. She wants to taste them. I don't know exactly where she got the idea, but she just said it out of nowhere. "I want to eat pickles!" Well, I guess I better eat a pickle at some point. I don't know if that dance off, lead to this breakthrough, but possession was obviously different after doing it. Almost like my mind/body had become more in tune with Lora some more. It's still freaky. One reason is that Lora feels very similar to my when she possesses, however she is distinct, and does feel different, and when she's in control she behaves different and moves differently. I've been trying to make her a more distinct presence, but not really sure how to do it. There are a few exercises to separate our "selves" and make them unique. I tried it before and it was moderately successful. I suppose doing a little of that may be beneficial. I could really use a distinct feeling when Lora possess so that it doesn't feel like what it did. Anyway that was this day. Lots of stuff eh? ---------------------------------------------------------- Some side notes I MAY be too busy this week to keep my entries up. I may want a little break from doing one EVERY SINGLE DAY, but I do like doing them regardless, and as you've seen I manage to write a LOT even though I feel nothing happened. If you don't see entries for a while, that's the reason why, school is going to be intense for at least 2 - 3 days, but should calm down on Thursday. Nothing I can do about it, it's out of my hands. There are still a few ideas I'm toying with, possibly a separate blog for Lora, and of course they comic idea I STILL want to do not just for us, but for the community. I think having a weekly comic strip illustrating funny stories and comedic interpretations of new tulpamancers and "tulpa say the darndest things" would be well worth it and give everyone a good laugh. I have to figure out the style and find the time though, that's the problem. Right now 1 strip (about 3 panels) would be the ultimate goal every week, like on Friday or something. Something easy for me to do in a short amount of time. I'm working out the details, stay tuned, but I think I'd really like to do it, may get more people to be more "open minded" about the community or just enjoy a funny comic involving people with "imaginary friends*". *yes I know tulpa aren't imaginary friends, but it's call ADVERTISING! Tulpa is a scary word to people, Imaginary Friend … people "get it", like I said, details, I'm working on the all the details. Have a good day guys! See you … next time … I hope.
  15. Double post because of reasons … Oh you want a break from the long posts? Alright here! Day 59 tl;dr: cloud & Lora leveled up! Cloud learned: Skill Possession - Allows tulpa to control hosts body while the host observes. Cloud learned: Skill Meditation - Allows host to relax their mind restoring [equation that represents the amount of stat is restored per rank in skill] of Mental Points (MP) for at least [equation for time based on rank] minutes of time >cloud and Lora have improved social links! >cloud and Lora have improved their bond! Stuff happened Chat happened Day 60 tl;dr: Stuff happened MLP happened. Chat happened. There! That's the shortest versions I can write! However, that's not why you are here. You LOVE THE WALLS OF TEXT! So what are you waiting for? Start reading! Your not as lucky as those on tumblr, they can IGNORE the WALLS OF TEXT, because i give them a break! Ha ha ha ... get it? Because ... you can ... put a "read more break" and it won't ... take up the ... screen. Just start reading! (it was a funny joke) -----------------------Day 59 11/9 Friday --------------------- This day is complicated, very complicated, a lot has been going on … I'm just going to skip the morning … nothing to see here, just move along, to the afternoon everyone ... That afternoon after having a conversation with my mom (yep still talk to her, everyday, you jelly? Yeah, I didn't think so …), and finally concluded I needed to meditate or at least start doing it. Give my brain a rest, it's been firing all the time, never given a chance to actually just shut down and reboot. Maybe that's why sleep has very little "restful" effects, I don't know. Anyway, I attempted it with Lora's help. After quickly reviewing most advice you can find with Google search in about 10 min I flat out went back to what I was doing. Forcing, only this time with a solid goal in mind, to simply relax, and let whatever happens happen. To be honest this is sort of supposed to be the point of mediation any way tough since I have experience in forcing and focusing, it was a curious idea to see what it would be like. What happened next has literally blown my mind: I basically started off with the void, and literally let my mind just calm down. Any thoughts that popped up I literally just let them wash away, like paint when it's being sprayed with water, the colors just drain down the wall and leave the "void" clean. After keeping it like that for a while, I felt enough focus I took it to the next level and included both Lora and my wonderland into my thoughts. That was all there was. Keeping this focused wasn't easy, but about the same as it usually is. After debating on where to sit, I decided the best place was the Forest in my wonderland, during autumn so the colors of the trees were very vivid and full of yellows and reds. As I breathed I attempted to create the sound of wind going through tress, the most relaxing sound I know of, and one of the best sounds. I could just sit in a valley of grass and listen to the trees all day, waste a whole day doing it, because that's the best sound I've ever heard in my life. By doing all this I was relaxed and for the first time I felt calm, in a long time. Lora was there, and well, she's able to reach that state a lot easier than me, but she simply enjoyed the quite and sitting across from me. We started talking, but in a very relaxed manner. If she ever felt me get tense she slowed down or stopped and so did I. I think this was a deep focus because that was all I knew about my surroundings, the outline of the background, Lora, and myself. We talked about the issue that's been a problem for me from yesterday and to be honest a lot of my life. It was hard, it's still hard, and it's extremely up nerving and very embarrassing to have Lora be far more mature, calm, and questioning, seeming to know far more then I ever taught her about his subject. I suppose this I going to be a kind of therapy. Don't get any ideas though, it's nothing that would make a porno, or even a R or PG13 movie. This is nearly PG to G rated material, but it's very personal to me and … Anyway, I had timed it for thirty minutes, and finally it ended, shocking me. Time dilation is weird, or my concept of 30 minutes is way off. After meditating like this and being focused on wonderland and Lora, I went back … Well … I thought I did. For some reason my body didn't respond. So … I started giving it commands. Open eyes. My body did open it's eyes, but … very slowly and they were blurry. Before long they closed again. It was very odd, I felt … detached from my body. I tried again several times and the response was "forced" and sluggish. I let Lora try. SAME EXACT RESPONSE though with even less control, my eyes opened, but they shut almost as soon as she lost focus. This time I REALLY focused and "took control". My body started to work as it should, but … I still felt detached. Literally it was like I was MANUALLY MOVING EVERYTHING. It's the most surreal feeling, and eventually I lost control, and had to sit my body back down, and … it … just went idle, eyes closed, shallow breathing, low heart rate. I panicked! Have gone so deep into my mind that I LOST CONTROL OF MY BODY!? I experimented on doing different things. At one point I felt like I had control, but again, a DETACHED SENSE, I wasn't "absorbed in it" I was only simply "aware" of it, like how you know a wrench is moving when you tighten a screw or a power drill, or better yet a CAR. So I suppose this is what it's like to be, at a "higher state of mind"? Relaxed and seeing the body LITTERALLY as a tool, and not being apart of it. I asked Lora what she was feeling, about me. She told me that it felt like I was in-between her "reality" and "mine." A literal middle ground. We tried possession several times. Lora couldn't hold it, and most of the time I had to "catch myself" and stabilize everything. It was the weirdest experience. Even as I write this, I still feel that detachment from my body. I can literally let go of control, and my body goes into an "idle" setting, something I didn't think existed. I suppose this is a true understanding of how possession and later "switching" works, but to actually REALLY EXPERIENCE IT, is so … … I suppose amazing. I guess this is what a relaxed and detached "higher thinking" mind feels like. As a result of "meditating" alone, I felt … rested, my mind is a lot calmer, though there is some "static" in the back of my mind. Maybe due to the stress of this whole ordeal, or the RELEASE of stress from a LONG TIME to never have it removed. I don’t know this is all very new. Lora is excited, I'm excited, it's just … the weirdest thing. I now see my body more as a vessel and a tool, not something that I "live in" but that I simply inhabit and can drive. It's a weird detached feeling, like if I were to lose it, I wouldn't be that broken up about it, like a car … though it's much more important than that so, maybe that's just the new experience confusing me. We'll work it out. I will say that, giving control to either myself or Lora in this case … is now a lot easier. We can do it, nearly instantly, or at least it FEELS instantly, but she has less control or understanding of how it works than I do so when she possess it's like most of the controls are turned off and she would need to manually reboot all of them before she can start doing anything. I wonder if I can make the transition easier some how later on. Anyway, meditation, I'm using it from now on, at least to clear my mind, and to … get this feeling and ease the tension I feel, I feel rested, and I only did it for 30 min. The more I've written the slowly I've returned to being more "in my body" but I still have that detached like sense … very … interesting. We went out and learned that the body can be put on "auto pilot" I can automatically walk, and just … walk. We switched control several times, "taking the wheel", mostly just controlling the head. Furthermore we extended the idea of automation. When Lora took over, the body did have problems doing automatic things if I took control, blinking, swallowing, and other functions. I eventually got into a rhythm that with a little focus, we could trade places of control and the body would run automatically. It worked out and it's getting better with more "systems" being automated when she's in control. We really went for it that night, in chat ... ------------That night … -------------------------------------------- What I feel like I can say about what happened that night was both Lora and I have some questions put to rest. It was a private conversation so it won't go here. The RESULTS of it though I suppose can at some point. I haven't really decided. What I planned to write was a bit of a ramble and more or less my mind thinking onto paper. Overall Lora and I have a lot to think about. We're more than happy to talk to you guys, it's just thing between us we need to work out, nothing to really say here. Unless you are into gossip, which … I apparently am … and have been for a while, hence some of the nature of the posts. I'm trying to do a better job, but it's rough and temptation I give into very easily. Anyway, I'll avoid being less coy, and Lora is better about talking about it, so I give her more of the spokeswoman position of that stuff. If you really want to know, we can explain things, but it all depends on how comfortable we are, so you may get a little, you may get TMI, it's your gamble. The big thing that I can write is that possession is now a strong skill we have. I'm now letting Lora talk for the most part. And for this night I wanted her to be the one talking, so I could sit back. It's was a surreal feeling. Lora talking through me and me just watching in a weird void space. I got a chair even and started doing something the background while I focused on my eyes from time to time but made no effort to control my body. Just … insane. Lora was relieved and I also got some things answered through her, since she shared similar questions but in a different way. Different starting point but same end result, for me. Got to be careful though, the body, does start to suffer from lack of sleep and other things so … eventually you got to recharge it and that's what we did. -----------------------DAY 60 11/10 Sat -------------------- It was a Lazy Day I'm not going to lie. Slept late, really late. Tried to do work only to mostly talk and argue with Lora about stuff. Lora learned why food is important to a host, especially me. I think my meds make me suffer from hunger more, so I start getting dizzy and faint when I'm too hungry, scared her, and also the fact she was having problems communicating. I had to keep her in "voice only" and that was not fun for her to watch me be hungry and her powerless to do anything. Work got in the way and was very slow and lack luster. I FINALLY got to watch the first episodes of the new season of MLP. You can as my opinion, but you can look to the community for the general answer. Learned about some of the memes that are being made from it, and the crazy amount of stuff ALREADY released in less than 12 hours. The Brony community is CRAZY. CRAZIER THAN ME and that's SAYING SOMETHING! Oh yeah … 2 month anniversary … or something … honestly we celebrated it 3 times now … 30 days = 1 month …. Something like that … moving on … I ended up cutting Lora off apparently during MLP and much of the time before it and a little after it. I thought she was with me, but I "reestablished it" and she was angry. I guess I got to focused and didn't give enough to her. Made it up by letting her chat again in the tumblr channel, though … no one was actually on. I guess we get on two late for the group. :P Eventually we got to talk to Doc and Welna and we talked about what Lora wanted to talk about and what was going on. I was proxying her mostly because I need to work on my work as well as chat. Didn't go well, but a enough got done. Yeah, that's about it. On to day 61.