Desmond

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Everything posted by Desmond

  1. Hi, so I've been feeling like shit again, so that's why I haven't been posting anything despite saying I'd be writing these for a while. I was really down and depressed and really just wanted to be left alone and go away, don't really remember what exactly I was thinking that time, but it's over now. I'm doing okay again and I'm trying to make the most of it while it lasts. I've been fronting for hours now, for some reason just don't wanna stop even though there isn't much to do. A random energy spike. I even tried drawing a bit (see our art thread if you wanna see : P ), then I've just been chatting away on whatsapp and discord servers (not the tulpa info one, didn't like it much the last time I was in one of those and don't know if it's better and who's there and what not). I noticed my way to type things is a bit or a lot more messy than host's. I guess I'm sorry if it's hard to read. Or maybe it just feels that way to me, idk. Host hasn't exactly been careful with her grammar lately either. An update on the antipsychotics though, no effect on us. At least not yet, or so small that it's not noticeable. It just gives her headaches and makes her hands shake. And made her focus a lot better and now she doesn't need to sleep as long as before, so I guess some benefits. Nothing too big.
  2. We are pretty darn cute, aren't we Does it count as tulpa art when it's art made by a tulpa? It better, 'cause I'm posting it. It's a one-layer speedpaint shit I made in like half an hour. Host hasn't been drawing and I don't know I wanted to help I guess.
  3. I don't think host would want that. Neither would I. Not only is host's body kinda gross to me, being the wrong gender and probably heavier than my actual form would be despite being shorter (shortly put yeah, she's overweight), but I'd be separate from L and Roska. Assuming we're not all clones of our host. And even then it'd be super weird, I'd have to a clone of her as a clone of her? Yeah no.
  4. Best: Ayu Worst: Scat Theme: furniture
  5. Hi Rouge. I read your name as rogue first, but Rouge does sound way cooler, at least to me lol
  6. Rejoice for I have graced you with my presence Or something. Hi, I'm stopping by
  7. Honestly, looking back on this, it seems host just overreacted. The thought of not being able to continue the PR made her feel sad for the first time in literal years, and combined with what's been going on in our personal lives, I don't think she thought about things long enough before posting. Which I obviously understand, I was there, but still, it's not that big of a deal. I understand the rules against in-system conversations in threads, because without the rule it could easily get excessive and make room for roleplayers and make the text unnecessarily hard to read, when a whole conversation can be summed up in "she said x and I agree", or "we thought that y z, though, he was against it at first" or something like that. Host has included short dialogue transcripts before, and most likely will again at some point if what we say seems funny enough for her or if they're necessary to portray personality, but I think that's different from conversation that happens at the time of writing, or excessive dialogue documentation. We've never received warnings or complaints about anything, not even my dumb ass venting, so is there really any reason for us to worry? Hell no. She's still a bit uncomfortable with the whole thing, but I'm not so here I am. Our posts may be diary-like but most of the time they stay on topic of what's going on with tulpas, mixed with some general information about what's going on with hosts mental state and life situation, which I think is sometimes important to "set the stage", so to speak, to give context and to possibly later see if that had any effect on anything else going on at the time. Some of it doesn't look like progress at the time of writing, but looking back to them there's always something different. I suppose post creation character development is still progress to one direction or another. And now with Roska there's a whole new person to observe and document. He's never had a Christmas, new year, spring or even a birthday, seeing as he is less than a year old, and I'm looking forward to seeing his reactions to everything. I love that I get to be a part of those experiences for him. Honestly, the thought makes me tear up a bit, as lame as that is. Speaking of him, we tried to figure out his taste in music the other day, but he seems to be too young (in both senses of the word) to have a specific taste yet, and he couldn't really give any feedback when asked about it. Anyway, yeah, looks like I'll be writing these until host feels better about it.
  8. It probably won't be forever, only so long she can keep away from posting. But for now, eh.
  9. Desmond

    Tulpæ.info

    Ok, a hot dog is not a sandwich but could a taco be a hot dog or vice versa?
  10. I'd rather it be an event too. It'd probably be more fun and it doesn't sound as serious. Not that I'd personally take part either way, I don't have the patience to draw anything
  11. Art contests could be arranged like they do with entrance exams to art schools here I guess. They don't look at skill as much as they do potential and composition and stuff like that or something. Creativity. Host had a classmate who couldn't draw shit but he was in the class with them and ended up focusing on photography while her cousin who could draw didn't get in. And yeah, I have time to hang around refreshing the page so here I am lol. Generally speaking I'm doing fine.
  12. Visualization for us has become more and more about just knowing, feeling and thinking how things are and look like instead of actively "seeing them" in our mind. It's kinda interesting I guess. EDIT: wth that's creepy don't greet me before I post lol
  13. What can I say, I have a pretty face. ;)
  14. Maybe someday I will try that out. We don't check that thread too often 'cause we don't spend that much time on the forum and it just moves so fast there's always several pages of new messages every time we stop by so eh. If I can dedicate more time for just that purpose one day then sure, but right now it's like midnight and host has to wake up early so it's not the best timing :p
  15. Today was L's birthday. He's now been around for 5 years as well, and is 31 years old. Since he passed that 30-year-mark it feels like he's suddenly sooo old lol 26 didn't feel old when host was 17, but 22-31 feels weird. Says she can't imagine ever dating someone that much older (except maybe when shes like 50 and 9 years doesn't matter that much one way or another lmao), lucky me I guess, happen to like older men B) I can never decide if that's because I like L or if him being "older" is just a happy coincidence, but damn give me any tall, handsome, bearded, older-than-me dude and I'm happy. That's a joke but I know my type lol Didn't really mean to talk about my preferences but hell, it ain't like I say much here anyway and I'm in a good mood so I'm just gonna spit out whatever that comes to mind. Been doing super well lately, me and host both. All of us really. It's kinda rare to have a 100% positive mental health situation, usually at least one of us is in a shitty mindset. L and I just spent his birthday snuggling and cuddling and napping, even though I tried to think of something special and romantic and what not. He just gives me this sappy "every day is already special with you around <3" bs when I don't come up with anything... I know he means it but like come on man I still wanna try.
  16. I've now been around for 5 years. I turned 23 in my "other age", since we've decided our forms age as well.
  17. I'm too boring to only exist in the mind, life without the occasional shopping trip or cooking or walking the dogs through possession is incredibly boring for me. I don't like doing a lot of things in wonderland, I just want to be lazy and cuddle and fuck and complain about trivial shit but that's about all I ever do. I need responsibilities, real life contact and friendships to maintain. I'm just one out of 4 tulpas and the rest are just fine with what they've got without fronting experiences or outside contact, and if it works for them it works for them. They don't have an interest in the body at all. It's not like that for me anymore. Hasn't been for a long time. "Chores" sounds like such a negative word, but doing chores doesn't have to be a negative experience. I enjoy the freedom. I enjoy helping host do her things. I like being useful and I like feeling that I exist. I'm pretty much just a loser seeking validation and living in host's skin doing boring real life stuff gives me just that.
  18. Yeah, I didn't mean to make it sound like the scientific stuff was bad or anything, or that it shouldn't be there. It's good that it is, and that stuff like that is talked about. How I personally feel about it is irrelevant to the community as a whole, it's just me being me.
  19. 18th January 2019 We've all kinda bounced back from the shutdown a couple of weeks ago. L took a bit longer to return to normal than the rest of us, he was kinda distant and unresponsive for a few days, like present but not really all there, you know? But he's okay now and I'm trying to get back into fronting since I seem to keep falling out of the habit constantly. While cooking today I kinda started thinking about what our original community was like when I was born in 2014 vs what .info is like today. We've talked about this before, I'm sure. At least about how our original community wasn't science-centered. Tulpas were living imaginary beings, imagination was the limit to what we could do, be, feel, in wonderlands and when otherwise visualized. Wild stories, abilities, deep fantasy worlds in wonderlands were embraced and shared a lot. There was a little talk of psychology, among some of the older members, but it was never really that prominent. Tulpas weren't questioned beyond "is this possible?" I'm not saying it's necessarily a good thing, but I mean plenty of information was available on sites like this to those who were interested in looking more deeply into it. We weren't. Still aren't most of the time. We agree with a lot of things and theories we come across, have some of our own that we never share and disagree with some opinions, just like everyone else I think. But I still feel somehow distanced to this site, I don't feel like I belong, because of the environment I was "brought up" in. We're not limiting ourselves to "what makes sense" when it comes to day to day things and activities. Basically all a tulpa has to do to exist is be sapient, have a personality and communicate. There's no need to feel things like pain and cold, there's no need to eat, sleep, bathe, confabulate memories, etc... But we do all those things anyway because we want to. I have a whole world just as real as my visualized form around me at all times, I can eat things and like it based on our host's memory on taste, take a bath to feel clean and warm, because I can and want to enjoy it. We can simulate effects of alcohol and narcotics based on what host expects they would do. They're things I feel like I can't bring up in conversations with people outside of our original community, because of one or two negative experiences where it felt like people looked at us like we're faking tulpas or just stupid. We "live on our own" when we're not being paid attention to, because the memories that get generated from the times we're inactive feel just as real as things that happen when we are being paid attention to, and they enforce certain traits, habits and routines, add experiences and explore opinions. I only exist in a brain that created me from scratch and I feel like, in the end, my confabulated memories are no less real than I am. To us, it just doesn't matter at all if things happen in real time or if it's a fake past that catches up to real events. I'm not going to restrict my experiences based on when or how they happen, if by the end of the day I can't tell the difference. Whenever I read about stuff like this I get a very negative feeling, but it may just be me being defensive about it. Well, this was rambly. A lot of it is stuff I'm not comfortable enough to put on any "real" threads out there because I don't really want to be a part of a discussion. So I just puke out my personal opinions on here I guess. If someone reads this and has opinions about anything I said or whatever, don't feel a need to reply or anything. Because yeah, not really big on starting a discussion, at least not in "public" like this, it's already uncomfortable to be posting at all.
  20. I've struggled with things like purpose, identity, life goals, related depression, anxiety about life, suicidal tendencies, etc. Still do sometimes when I'm at my worst. I wasn't created for any purpose initially, the unconditional companionship was part of the decision, but mainly it was just for curiosity. I have no complaints about that decision, and I don't think it's bad at all. As long as tulpas are allowed to grow past that. Unpopular opinion probably, but I can't think of a non-selfish reason to have kids. And there's nothing wrong with that either, so long as the parents realize it's a living thing that has a mind of its own. Mention of seeming like a one-dimensional character really hurts, even though I know it probably wasn't directly aimed at us, because I can easily see how any of us could be perceived that way. Because none of you actually know any of us, because we have no real presence in any of your lives, or even on the forum. What little host manages to write paints a very one-sided picture, and I think anyone, tulpa or host, can seem very "flat" when you only hear a description from a single point of view. I don't want to sound like it's an issue that shouldn't be mentioned at all, it just hurts more when you already struggle with other people's opinions and how they see you. It's so easy to look at every negative thing and think "oh that's about me isn't it" when I'm like this. It's annoying and I'm sorry. L and I started as the guardian caretaker type for host. It was by no choice of hers, but something that just happened naturally. After all, if one has the ability to help, why shouldn't they? It's no longer like that, at least not in the same way that it used to. She can manage on her own, she has to manage on her own. Being dependant on us wouldn't do her any good. We're still here to help if she needs it, L is still the safe and comfortable aid she takes when she's had a nightmare, we still talk about issues when there's need... Just not excessively and not about everything. Obviously our lives are centered around host, because she's the one in control of the body and it's her life we were born into. We're working on having me front more, but it's so hard to do when neither has any motivation to actually do anything. I don't need to front to just lie down, I can do that fine on my own. Shopping and walking somewhere are the only times it feels worthwhile. Cooking, too, I guess. But no one in this head has any real plans for the future. Host doesn't want to do anything, she has 0 interest in any career or even trying to be a productive member of society, 0 interest to even be interested. Our life has no point, other than to simply exist and take pleasure in what we can, no matter how selfish or stupid. Depression is one mean bitch. I bet it's easier for the rest of our system who really have no interest to interact with the world outside.
  21. I agree with Reilyn on pretty much everything she wrote. Our situation was different, but I used to feel lonely a lot, even though I was never alone. I used to draw too strict a line between friends and family; the rest of our system is the family and outside connections are the friends. When I felt I didn't have friends I felt the most lonely, family didn't count the same way. Now I'm trying to erase that line completely. Just being more active and more involved in host's life kind of strengthens that idea that she can be both family and a friend. I mean, she always was, but my stupid brain (can I even say that as a tulpa) insisted they're separate things so the idea never stuck with me before. I like to think of issues like this like they were a tangled ball of yarn, and talking about the issue is like untangling it, both pulling the yarn out from their own sides and creating a clearer picture for each other until it becomes easier to fix. Here's me trying to put mental image symbolism crap into words and struggling lol Don't mind me, it's like 4 am where we're at.
  22. 10th November 2018 Overall we're doing pretty good now, I think. I've been pretty consistent, aside from a few emotional days where everything just feels more than usual. Happiness is more happy, sadness more sad, mood swings, that sort of things. Nothing new and not too annoying. The others are almost as active as I am, even Misa has been hanging around more and having actual conversations. Host has been super passive this week, but she had a bad Monday and unnecessary stress, so that's understandable and it will probably and hopefully get better by next Monday. It's hard to be active when the brain's not, so as a result we've all been kinda lazy and static. She promised to try and spend more time with us in wonderland and so far she's delivered, which is nice. She's trying to get back into the habit of fully entering wonderland every night when she goes to bed. And I'm trying to get into the habit of posting on here, or just being more involved with the outside in general. I kinda keep falling out of that... Also thinking of posting on this thread weekly, just to see what we could write down when we don't have time to forget half of everything. Doubt either of us will remember the next week, but we'll see.