Dear God almighty
It's been almost seven years...
I rediscovered this PR from so, so long ago, and a whole load of memories came flashing back. I'm almost 22 now, and I've nearly graduated from college -- I mean college college now, not community college. My life is so different now, and I'm so different. I'm living with my girlfriend now, and I'm doing pretty well for myself. We're happy and genuinely stable, and we talk about all our feelings openly, all that "good relationship" stuff. I had a lot of growing up to do, I guess, and this post just kind of served as a reminder of everything I used to be. I guess I just wanted to reflect, after all this time.
I was a really troubled kid, as you can no doubt tell by reading a single one of these posts. My parents were abusive, so I never really had any way to express my anger, which is probably why this whole thread reads the way it does. I just wanted a friend. I lived out in the middle of nowhere, and my parents put me into classes with forty year olds at age fourteen. That was a huge mistake, 'cause I had absolutely no one, but I guess I just felt so stupid all the time that I presented myself as so much smarter than I actually was. So I took "being a college student at fourteen" like some sign that I was the messiah or something. After all, nobody had ever really cared about anything about me, except my ability to regurgitate facts and anecdotes like nobody's business. And I'll admit, I was a truly clever kid, but I was never a genius like I told myself. I only told myself that because I needed to cling to that expectation -- because without it, I'd just be another friendless kid whose parents beat them. And I couldn't have that. Not at all. Hence the utter rage that I expressed here. Reading back on it, I'm shocked so many people put up with it. 83,000 views. Oddly enough, not the most views I've ever gotten from an online project, but while my art could technically be called impressive, this is the most unique thing I've ever done that got so much attention. I think about that a lot.
The reality is that, outside of a few wayward conversations, Kat just kinda disappeared after a while, leading me to wonder if I ever really had her, or if I just wanted it so bad that I pressured myself into believing. I have no idea. I genuinely believe in tulpas, though I'm scared to admit it to my girlfriend, even though she's been so wonderfully accepting of all my other BS, so I suspect one day I'll mention it. She'll want to diagnose me though, considering she's going through her masters' degree for Psychology. Anyway, I want to get back into the narration (or as teenage me called it, "merping." God help me), but I guess I'm intimidated by the thought of having a whole other person in my head. In fact, I think that's probably one reason why Kat slipped away from me over time. It was too much. Sometimes I wonder if she's still up there, but I can't tell. I've been looking into servitors recently, mainly because I've heard they can help with mental illnesses like anxiety, which, sadly, I've come across so much of recently. So I might hang around here a little while longer.
Oh yeah, also I was trans the whole time. Fun stuff, right? I became an alien to my whole family when they found out, but then again, they hurt me so much when I was little that I don't feel too bad hurting them just by being myself. Maybe that's toxic. I used to be pretty toxic, so maybe I haven't really changed much after all. Anyway, my name's Ellie. Hi.