BlueDot

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About BlueDot

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    Debating whether to be active or not. It's been a few years.
  1. Oh my lord. I didn’t intend on setting off a whole chain of events here. I think what brought me here recently was the idea that the mind and imagination can be a pretty powerful thing, and that even those things that might not be apparent or tangible can still feel quite real. I tend to have a pretty powerful imagination and fear of the unknown that can set off my mind in unexpected ways. I was sorta raised to question the state of reality and/ or not discount the metaphysical but I tend to dabble more in the scientific side of things. I could certainly believe that someone could condition themselves to have a tulpa without realizing it. I was worried that’s what I could be doing, but I don’t think in my case that I could create one without at least some intention, or I would have had a tulpa in the past few years. I was beginning to have some intention in creating one but pretty quickly realized I’d rather not right now, and the first intention bit was what scared me. If I’m in a state of anxiety about something, I tend to try and fact search to calm myself down. Even the sort of obvious things, like whether I could change my mind. Although this could be a strange thing to worry about, I feel reassured about my situation now. I just needed an outside source for a second to help me confirm this to myself.
  2. First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their advice and support. Second of all, I did not wish to spawn a potential argument about whether or not I'm afraid to use my imagination. I am certainly not afraid to think through and create concepts, characters, and ideas. I have been a roleplayer and writer for some years and understand what it feels like to 'get into the mind of a character' without necessarily having them come to life. I have known about tulpas for a while, and this situation hadn't really come up until yesterday. As I see it, this was just another coincidental chink in my armor that my anxiety saw for a second and immediately glommed on to, as it often does. My main concern today was that this new tulpa idea was a semi-conscious effort that I leapt into, and I tend to have irrational anxieties around things I can control/cannot control as well as things that I color as my own fault. I've been pretty lonely recently and since I put a lot of stock into the idea, I ended up unlocking a few memories that drew me from tulpamancy to begin with. I probably shouldn't have browsed around the forum again until a few more years, but I really am fascinated with the concept. When writing this post, I was debating whether or not having a tulpa would cause more harm than good for me in the long run, and whether I could choose to turn back/ or save the idea for later. I was afraid that turning back or keeping the tulpa concept on hold would be impossible or even discouraged, but I now realize I have more power over my head than I often give myself credit for. I don't doubt that I have a few pre-conceived notions and maybe I could've dug around more here until I figured that out on my own. The worst isn't gonna happen unless I let it, and I'm gonna have to give myself a kind slap on the wrist once in a while to remember it. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection today, of course, and I've come to realize that the idea isn't completely off the table. I'm not saying that I won't ever have a tulpa but it'll take a lot more self-reflection and a few outside strategies for dealing with anxiety first. I want to be kinder to my head. I suppose I meant: "It's not for me, for now." You never really know what's there to come.
  3. I haven't posted in years on this forum. The last time I posted was early 2017. Needless to say, I think I really screwed things up in the whole tulpa process and I wouldn't even delve back into it if I didn't feel guilty over them. I had quite a few anxieties that definitely came back to bite me. In what I write, I have no intention of being offensive to anyone who has a close relationship with their tulpa. So here's a warning for a possible dissipation story and overall disastrous thinking. Back in 2016, I was extremely depressed and I started making a tulpa in the hopes of getting some comfort. However, after a few months it started dawning on me that this whole thing would be a pretty serious secret. I'd have to accept this for the rest of my life. I have parents whom I am very close to as well as a therapist who might both disapprove, and I wasn't sure my self-esteem could take another hit if I let this slip. Our relationship also started getting way too romantic/ or intimate for my comfort and I feared that it would impact my ability to connect with my peers and go outside since I would simply want to spend all my time with my tulpa. I realize I could have tried reasoning with my tulpa and that we could set some boundaries, but honestly the phenomenon itself started making my anxiety much worse. I started freaking out about whether or not having a tulpa to begin with would impact me or my mind development negatively in some unforeseen way. Cue a textbook-definition anxiety-attack. After talking the situation over, my tulpa simply got up from his seat and walked right out of his wonderland space. Whether I did that for him or he did that by himself, I still don't even know, since he was only partially developed. It seemed pretty autonomous, especially since I haven't really seen him since. I could barely remember what he looked like for months. However, I've been much too scared to try and actively force him again. I wasn't really sure if I was ready to open that can of worms and I definitely repressed a lot of the memory until now. Fast forward to recently, where I'm now an art student in college and constantly trying to channel my creativity. I've had roleplay and writing experience, and I definitely feel that I get attached to my characters. Because of this, I fear that I could be creating my own accidental tulpa by interacting with a new character in pretty intimate and dynamic way. I can easily picture her as a real person that I could interact with and I've been selectively feeling her presence a little in order to feel less lonely. As of recently, I sorta jumped on the tulpa idea, and I think I started treating her that way before I could stop and think about the consequences of that. She was pretty likely a non-sentient thoughtform before but I seem to be experiencing a 'mind poke' as of the past few days. Sad to say that this is scaring the hell out of me since I'm not sure if it's ethical to go back or leave it alone now that it's started. I feel that my thinking patterns are a flip-flopping, doubt filled landscape constantly ruminating, fact-checking, playing a game of back-and-forth affection and distress towards whatever the thoughtform is, and I don't think that a healthy mindset to develop a tulpa at all. If I'm going to create a tulpa, I want to guarantee that I'm not going to be scared of them or convinced I should get rid of them. As of now, I feel like unless I can prove nothing bad will happen and I won't get buried under a burden I can't handle, I'm not sure I can provide that kind of healthy mind environment. I realize 'proving nothing bad will happen' is impossible, so I'm wondering what my options are to handle this current thoughtform/ or semi-tulpa given all the history back there. Perhaps I'm already messing up again with this tug of war "It's ok to be here/ I'm a little scared that you're here" that may have destroyed a bit of personality/presence. I'm convinced tulpamancy isn't for me, at least not for now, but I don't want to feel irresponsible or guilty over not finishing what I started.
  4. I feel sad saying that I probably haven't visited my wonderland to interact with my tulpa enough within these last few months. While I was sure that I had enough time theoretically, even in my busy schedule, by the time I actually did get enough time in my day, I was really worn out and continued to put it off in favor of other types of forcing, like narration or trying to spark up a few simple conversations to practice vocality before I went to sleep. Now that I've finished a few major commitments, I'm sure that I actually do have the time and energy for a tulpa. Unfortunately, since I haven't visualized for a very long time, I'm completely out of practice. I can't really focus on anything for more than a few seconds and things are out of focus or shifting in detail. Does anyone know of any methods to start out simple and work your way back into skill, or at least have any tips for focus?
  5. UPDATE: Tried something a little bit weird and it worked. I found an oldish piece of tape somewhere, probably on a folder or something, and wrapped it around my finger. I remembered my tulpa for a good while before I decided to take it off and could feel some of his presence pretty much all day just from thinking about him constantly. Tape around the finger is pretty annoying and constricting after a while, and I suppose that's why it works. Especially if it's an older piece of tape, because that means corners get unstuck and scratchy, and you have to focus on keeping the tape on at all times, and that in turn brings the tulpa constantly to mind. (Just make sure not to wrap it too tight/around bending areas or it could chafe, and also to take it off once in a while to let your skin breathe.)
  6. It's been about 2 weeks since I've started creating my tulpa, and while I've been working things into my schedule (e.g. daily walk with narration, short visualizing sessions) and trying my best to build a habit or thinking about him, I find it really easy to forget about him when I start doing or thinking about other things without focusing my full attention on him. He's not quite vocal yet and there isn't much to go on as far as sentience besides a few slight head pressures when I direct a pretty large amount of mental attention to him, so there's not really much he can do yet to remind me of his existence. It's not so much that I'm upset with forgetting once in a while when I need to concentrate, but more or less that it's not even just a half an hour to an hour, or even 2 hours, but maybe even as long as 4 hours at a time. I've been trying things like wearing a ring as a visual reminder or constantly narrating whenever I remember to do so to keep in contact as much as possible, but I still end up forgetting and wasting opportunity to interact with him. Is there anything else that I could possible try as a more effective reminder? Or is it something that more or less comes over time, habit, and with experience?
  7. I really appreciate the response. I've been trying to do research and whatnot, but since I'm so new to this and haven't experienced a lot of things for myself yet, it's a little hard to sort fact from crap (I haven't read many creepypastas, but rather a few personal accounts. Might have been fake, but who really knows.). I sorta knew that my worries weren't really based on a lot of logic, but I guess I have a lot more control over this than I thought.
  8. I've recently begun creating a tulpa (for about a week and a half) and I find that there's already been some issues in my own mentality. I'm a sufferer of generalized anxiety disorder and extremely prone to panic. I worry about every little thing that could possibly seem to go wrong until I nearly work myself into a fit, and I'm also pretty susceptible to intrusive thoughts. I didn't really know much of anything about tulpas until a month ago and I only looked in-depth around the time I started creating my tulpa. Funny enough though, I may have been subconsciously wanting something similar to a tulpa for months and may have even created a servitor based off of an OC purely for some company and emotional support, which then might have become the basis for my tulpa. Dot already seemed semi-conscious by day 2 and I feel like the very first planning process happened almost way too quick, but I just got really excited, something seemed to click, and I went with it. Recently though, the excitement feeling is wearing off, I'm getting down to serious business, thinking ahead, and I'm putting all the time and energy I can into this, but along with that is coming a bunch of anxious thoughts. Honestly, all I really want is to be the best I can for my tulpa, but these thoughts and fears keep coming in and if I can't work through them somehow, they might cause us some harm to our trust and communication we're trying to build. I've run across downsides and horror stories across the internet, and while I'm taking note of some things/patterns and sort of moving on from them afterward, I can't help but to feel a little bit uneasy. A lot of the thoughts come in with the worry that my tulpa might want to possess me to the point that some sort of balance is ruined and that it's hard for me to regain control. Another is that I might become too dependent on him for support and end up ruining the development of independency, and if I don't pay enough attention all of the time, he'll fade away. There's even a thought where if I ever try imposing, I'll start hallucinating all sorts of terrifying things. Heck, there's already been a time where I've actually worried that this is not what I really want even though I know I've been dead-set on this for months, even without realizing it at first. Sometimes, I can control things using some mindfulness techniques and calm down enough, but the fears still crop up again and again, likely due to my illness. I've even told my tulpa to try and ignore the intrusive thoughts if they seem to get too excessive to deal with or don't really seem to have much reason behind them. I'm very afraid of all this negatively affecting him. Does anyone else deal with a similar problem? If so, did you find your experiences/ any techniques to help with these fears? I just want to trust my tulpa and myself enough that we can form a good relationship with one another, and maybe even feel fine enough with some of the experiments mentioned.