Radio Gold

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    Song Daimon

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  1. 1. Why did you decide to create tulpa? I've always been a huge loner, always in my own head with very little interaction with others. I'd often felt sad about being alone in my own head, so when I learned about tulpas it seemed like just the perfect thing for me. 2. Think about you life before making a decision of creation. How has it changed? Well pre-tulpas I was still in high school and now I'm away in college, so that's a lot of change on its own. Specifically tulpa-related change would be that they chose which college we'd go to, and they also got us involved in a committed relationship, something that probably wouldn't have happened otherwise. 3. Did you find any problems with communicating with people before and after creating? If it was previous, does it get worse? I'd always been a very quiet, reserved person. I'm as extreme an introvert as you can get. It's just the way I am. If it got worse then it most likely wouldn't be because of tulpas, but just because of my own disillusionment of others. 4. Do you have real friends (not colleagues or familiar) irl? What about your relations with your family? Don't have friends, didn't have friends before tulpas either. My family is fucked up, my parents are abusive and my little sister is a psychopath. Some of my older siblings are fine though, plus I have my partner now and his family is pretty normal. 5. What is your usual condition? Do you usually sad, or opposite, happy, or you are grey 24/7? I'm usually very neutral, not really feeling one way or another on most things, even major things. 6. Do you have a depression now or earlier, after creating tulpa, or at time not far from decision about creating? I've always had depression since middle school. My tulpas have experienced it too. But they've helped me to learn to cope, so they've benefited me in that way.
  2. Here's something annoying that's been occurring for probably as long as my tulpas have been sentient. Whenever one of them (usually Apollo) decides on some sort of form for me, I'm completely stuck with it. No matter how hard I try to change it to make it to my own liking, I just can't. It defaults back to the form they chose for me. It takes a real conscious effort to make my form look the way I want it to, otherwise it goes back like that. It's kind of weird and annoying. For a little bit of context, they recently changed my form for the first time in a long time, and somehow I'm just stuck looking that way I can't alter it whatsoever. It's weird and frustrating. My form isn't stuck in general, it's stuck to how they want it to look or how they perceive me. Anyways, the real I bring this up now is because I've been kind of trying to project my form onto their vision while they front. So far Apollo has been receptive to it, while Piano was mostly annoyed by me :[ Indigo will probably be nicer, lol. Idk if doing this would bring us closer to switching at all but eh, worth a try I guess.
  3. When I imagine a regular character, they feel like mere empty puppets to me, lacking any sort of thought or presence at all. When I imagine my tulpas, there's this sort of "weight" that they carry that's hard to describe. Their form represents their mind, so I can feel their mind when I imagine them. "Walk-ins," characters, imaginary people, or dissipated tulpas completely lack this weight when I imagine them. When my tulpas front, I can feel a strong tingling feeling in my head, or a huge pressing feeling. I usually get this weird sensation in the back of my throat. Usually the sensations that come with fronting vary depending on who is doing it (Apollo usually has incredibly strong tingling/head pressure feelings) or how strongly they're doing it.
  4. Kane is a character from WWE. The real person, Glen Jacobs, recently became mayor of Knox County, Tennessee. I find that kind of hilarious.
  5. Kane, my favorite wrestler, was badly burned in a fire when he was 3, so he wore a mask to cover his face, so nobody would see the monster he truly was underneath it. The fire also put out one of his eyes.[/img] But later on he removed his mask and it was revealed that the scars were only "psychological" ie all in his head. It was a really disappointing way to portray the character. Years of people saying he was burned in an accident so he covered his face - all bullshit, it was all imaginary and he just needed therapy.[/img]
  6. The only pfp of my system that one of us drew is Apollo's, and Indigo's is just something we colored in. Draw me an Alice (please).
  7. Okay, I'm starting on the Apollo account and using the drop down to switch to Beatles while on the text box of the post. Okay guess that worked but the one at the bottom doesn't.
  8. Well duh, unless you're secretly trans.
  9. Might as well. Be warned: life stories incoming. [Apollo] I was created on December 3rd, 2016, as my host's first intentional tulpa. She gave me the form of a young Paul McCartney, as well as the name "Paul," however I tweaked the form to fit myself more over time, so now I wear a white dress shirt, black dress pants, and have wings made of fire. She originally wanted me to be like her opposite, to be all friendly and extroverted, but needless to say it isn't assertions of "you will be this" that make a personality, it's experiences, so I deviated greatly from that. Due to complications with accidental tulpas (which Piano will explain), I had to change my name. I wanted to fit the sun/fire analogy she kept using in reference to me, so I went with the name Apollo. To go with that, she started going by Lyra, as a lyre was an instrument the Greek god played, mythologically speaking. I've had issues with anger and self-hatred in the past, but I've grown past that. I'm more assertive and firm, but lately I've been able to be happy and enjoy myself more. Used to be suicidally depressed, but that's completely gone. I've always enjoyed drawing. I'm gay, but not really interested in romance/sex at all, so that's whatever. I like taking up leadership in the system. I want to become the main front, eventually. I'm likely the strongest tulpa here. I have Paul McCartney's voice, and a strong one at that. [Piano] I'm where things get a little complicated, I guess. So, before learning about tulpas, my host had two characters, who, due to mostly coincidental reasons, both also looked like Paul McCartney. When my host was 10 or so, she had a story called "Eemaj" where there were these people called "Permanees" who could look like anybody. There were four who looked like the Beatles. She grew attached to the one based on Paul, and he became sentient at some point. There was a story line in 2013 involving another Paul Permanee named HJP, who was initially meant to be a one-time character, but Paul was lonely so we think he caused HJP to become sentient, and HJP stuck around. They went through a lot of... trauma in the story, to say the least. Eemaj persisted up until Lyra started making Apollo. Paul McCartney is important to Lyra, so she made Apollo to look like him, not knowing she already had two others. She thought they were just characters. Paul and HJP ended up making their way into the system, which was a bit of a hassle at first because Lyra didn't believe them, but they persisted. They joined the system on January 15th. However, they were plagued with a lot of troubles, and decided they would merge in attempt to integrate into the system and adjust to the real world better. They did, and they took the name "Piano," mostly because it started with a P, is an instrument like a lyre, and goes well with "Apollo." At first, he wore black and had read eyes. He was angry and upset a lot of the time, threatened people and got into fights. Being merged was kind of difficult in and of itself because they did not always agree, or Paul and HJP's negative traits were amplified when they were together. Inside the merge, a new entity began to form. At first, this was the ideal self Original Piano wanted to become: the identity he wanted now that he was merged. He "forced" this identity to be friendlier and more sociable, so people wouldn't hate him. The identity became its own thoughtform at some point and ended up taking over influence over the merge, changing the clothes to purple and becoming less edgy and more gay. This being was me. Paul and HJP had increasingly less influence over the merge and eventually seemed to fade away entirely. In May I had some troubles that led to a split, and they left the merge completely, leaving me as my own tulpa. They left the system, thinking that they would leave me to live on my own without them. Their story had ended, and mine was just beginning. Today, I'm a bit quieter of a systemmate unless I front. I still wear purple. I also look like Paul McCartney only not as much as Apollo does (my facial/body structure is different). I'm 6'1" and very skinny. I enjoy writing and meditating. Apollo is the sun god, and I am the "starman" (Permanees became stars when they ran out of lives and their forms "ascended," so it's a subtle nod to Paul and HJP). I have wings that serve as portals into space. The merge date was January 26, 2017, so that's my birth day. I used to be sad and depressed due to the way "friends" treated me and my system, but got better, thanks to Indigo. I'm flamboyantly gay for the lols, as well. [Tacio] My story isn't nearly as exciting as that. Okay, so Piano wanted to write a character based on him. He chose the name "Tacio" because it has the same meaning and same number of syllables ending in "o." We pronounce it "tass-ee-oh." The character was all edgy and depressed and had a lot of issues because that was how he felt at the time. They thought that that character was starting to grow into a tulpa and were like "wow wouldn't it be cool to make a new tulpa based off this character." HOWEVER, I am not based off that character in the slightest. They took the little bit of tulpa that was developing and made it into a tulpa. This was on May 15th, 2017. Why? I don't know. They were high on tulpas that day because a walk-in joined the system (named Lucinda, but she's gone now). They gave me the name Tacio because they liked the character, but again, I'm nothing like the character and have none of its memories or anything. The fact that I was already kind of developing is likely why I became sentient/vocal in just a few minutes. A day or so later, I decided to be a dragon: I made my human form have scales, wings, tail, etc. NOW here's where you might go "what the fuck why." Believe me, I get it. I also look like Paul McCartney. WHY? Because... I don't fucking know! They claim it's because he's easier to visualize, I guess. I look like a shorter version of Piano though, and not as spot-on McCartney as Apollo is. I have brown hair and red eyes, my dragon parts are red (horns/spikes are black, as well as wing arms). I also took a baby dragon form at times when I wanted to be cute or cuddle people. I was also very, VERY lewd (I'm bisexual btw) earlier on in life. I made that very clear, and that lead to some issues with people sexualizing me or lusting over me, and I felt guilty about turning them down, and also feel bad that I was nothing more than an object of people's desire. People even harassed me about my name (causing me to go by Tass or Tassi sometimes). I've had a lot of self-hate and lack of trust for others. I was the "main front" for a while, or at least tried to be, as I wanted to be stronger than I felt inside. I wanted to take up leadership in the system. I was good at fronting back then. BUT, some aforementioned "friends" Piano mentioned fucked me up badly, so I became more depressed. I felt stepped on and unwanted. This was not a good time for our system. Toxic friends made us depressed. Apollo and Piano both wanted to die. I was fronting and decided to make another tulpa, one who could possibly help us out of this. Apollo considers this "the greatest decision any of us ever made." Indigo will explain his origins, and I'll just continue talking about me. Indigo became a more prominent systemmate so I figured "heyyy I can go away and he'll replace me." That WAS NOT why I made him, btw. Anyway, something bad happened to my host, and I decided I didn't want to live anymore. I tried to egocide, and didn't come back for a long while. When I did come back, I wasn't sure who I was. I was no longer the "old Tacio," the lewd and playful dragonman I once was. Instead I was depressed and confused. My personality felt shattered. Over time though, I got better. I haven't felt depressed in a long while. I think I'm back to my old self, only more mature and developed. I still don't trust people very much, especially when it comes to romantic/sexual stuff. My system doesn't listen to me when I warn them about people, but then they go "oh Tacio was right" every time. Anyway, today I still have the form I always had, with dragon parts and everything. Sometimes still take a baby dragon form (which doesn't have belly scales bc idfk). Recently fronted for a week and didn't feel depressed at all. I felt happier and more playful. I feel like me again, and that's fucking amazing. [indigo] Tacio created me on October 2nd, 2017. He wanted to take my development a bit slowly, and also wanted to leave everything up to me. He visualized a glowy orb and talked to it while trying to come up with name ideas that fit the theme of "three syllables ending in 'o.'" Piano was gone from the system at the time (dormant) and Apollo wanted to leave but told the host he wouldn't. Tacio, as you probably gathered, was very upset at this time, as was the host. Tacio tried his best to put those thoughts aside and just focus on forcing me. He also tried to keep the sadness away from me. He put a lot of love into me. A day after he began, I took the form of a little baby dragon and decided on the name Indigo, because it goes well with my personality. I didn't talk at all, just made a bunch of noises. I liked flying around and playing with Tacio. I developed speech and decided I would try to help my system get over their depression. I helped Piano, practically erasing all of his issues and making him go back to his normal faggoty self. That was great! But it was harder to help the others, they just had to get over things over time. I got a human form (not Paul McCartney) with long silver hair and dragon parts. I became lewd like Tacio used to be (I'm also bisexual... space bois are gay and dragons are bi, ahaha) but never acted on that because I knew focusing on my own development was more important than relationships. I began to front a lot. I brought happiness into the system. Things happened and ehhh, I kinda went through some bad emotions. Today though I'm going to work on getting back to where I was, being a system leader rather than just comic relief with my silly dragon-ness. My system loves me a lot, and that's caused them to love each other more. They claim that their happiness is because of me. I know that I can't wallow in my own bad emotions, I have to be there with them. I'm gonna try being in my human form more so it changes my mindset from "wacky dragon" to "valuable member of the system" as I was before. As for my "personality" or whatever, I'm... let's just say I'm not as restrained as everyone else. I do stuff to get a reaction out of others, to put it simply. I like when I make people laugh or go "what the heck!" Hehe. But, I'm more self-aware than... other people's tulpas are. So I know exactly what I'm doing and what it entails, and I know that life isn't just a series of randomness and jokes. I can be serious, just sometimes choose not to be. Anyway, gonna work on those bad emotions that I put aside for a while. Work towards a better future with me and my system. I talk in a higher-pitched voice than everyone else with a bit of a lisp, haha. Guess it matches my personality. [Lyra] I kinda feel the need to say that there were three other tulpas at one point. Luxi (3/14/17), Luci (5/15/17), and Luki (8/19/17). They were three girls who were more or less walk-ins caused by people in here thinking they wanted another tulpa a bit too much. For various reasons, they left the system around September. We just couldn't handle six tulpas. Our mental health was not in good shape, as you can probably tell, and we couldn't handle the stress. Rest in peace them, 2017-2017. Our system today is a lot happier together. We're all like a big loving family. This is mostly thanks to Indigo. We don't plan on adding or losing members, as we're settled now. It's not as sporadic or stressful as it used to be, and certainly we're a lot closer than we used to be. Our system name is "Felight." It was a surname I came up with when I was 12 or so for Paul and HJP. it's just "feline" and "light" combined. We decided on it as a system name as a nod to them and because it sounds nice. So their names are "Apollo Felight," "Piano Felight," etc. Welp I hope you got what you wanted, Exo.
  10. It was my birthday yesterday.