YumiBerry

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About YumiBerry

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    Mixed Origin

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    A mixed origin system made of up 8 people, a developing fictive, and a cute little red panda.
  1. Update #5 We haven’t been able to force Quinn for a few days due to getting used to the holidays, but on the way home from seeing my gf off for the holidays with her parents, I had a it of anxiety being around so many cars. So, we hung around in our cafe. Quinn was there and shouted out to me every time I started started spiraling. We started playing our Switch to pass the time. There was a sinkhole in our mario game we were worried to fall into in case of dying and restarting. Quinn said “ Do it! What’s the worst that can happen? You lose a few coins and restart- but it could be a new area! “ So, we went through with it and he was right xD We thanked him, lol!
  2. Update #4 I used a guided tulpa creation meditation to be in a room with Quinn. His form is definitely more defined now. He’s a tall human male with poofy/flowy short white hair, blue eyes, a sky blue shirt that sits on one shoulder and rolls off the other, exposing his right shoulder. He has blue shorts with a black stripe down the side (might switch to torn jeans at some point) and switches between white velcro sneakers and his pink bunny slippers. On his face, he has half of a skull pained in white on the left side of his face. I started out laying in a comfy bed as our merged form, one of our characters, to keep from any crisis in our mind for our identity (it helps a lot). It then quickly changed to Star, which was interesting. She laid down in this bed and once instructed to, examined this new room. We began building his form (described above). We also began forcing his personality a bit more. The trance became so deep we started experiencing what it felt like pre-astral projection (feeling a second body, a numbness in our physical body, room spinning, and then sort of like I had 1 head facing front ((physical)) and one head facing the right ((astral)) We’ve never been successful with it or lucid dreaming). I don’t study tulpas as metaphysical, but it was interesting. I think it drained me a bit, because there were little blips where I almost fell entirely asleep, but I did my best to keep focus on the room and Quinn. He eventually smiled at Star and started talking to her, trying to take on a voice of his own. She hugged onto him tightly and he said “Hey, Kiddo!” and held the back of her head as they hugged. The meditation was starting to wind down, so he picked her up suddenly and carried her over to the bed she first spawned in the room and sat down next to her. He started talking along side in responses to the guided meditation (trying to be goofy) and a few lines actually had bleeds of a distinct voice to it. He seems to be getting some influence from Tai Xiao Long from RWBY, but mixed with Sun’s personality and in the middle of both of their ages. This made star super excited and she squealed, hugging onto his arm and he laughed along with her. As the meditation was ending, he sat down in the corner of the room, before jogging back over and tucking her into bed. She said he didn’t need to do that, but he thought it would be kind of goofy/funny to do. He was right, lol. She got nervous that she’d be unable to sense him again after it was over and he cut her off, saying he’ll always be here. I hope we have a good update soon! This one ended on a really good note, as we always try to. I apologize if any typing here is really long or we made any spelling errors. We’re a bit groggy from that deep trance. We didn’t expect to go that far xD Thank you for reading! Quinn thanks you, too xD <3
  3. #3 (I doubt these will always be daily, but still. It's just something to keep myself up with) He seems so far comfortable with his new off-shoot form of the original character’s design, and since has become and overall more soft and upbeat personality. Silly notes I’ve noticed: - He likes finger guns. I had intrusive visuals while trying to hug him that made me uncomfortable happen twice, so we did that exercise where they become like a shadow shape and one of us slashes or shoots them away. He picked finger guns with lasers xD - He really likes bread? Not that we don’t, but when I was trying to active force with him in a cafe (the one from Persona 5, actually) and see it in 3D space (went really well!) he ended up there with me sitting in a booth together. I imagined a non-detailed figure come over from around the corner to order our food/drinks and I ordered a coffee. He wasn’t speaking that time and I could tell he wanted toast and got excited when I asked if he also wanted butter. Also when I asked him what his favorite thing was from an show we saw, he showed me an image of when there was a bunch if anpan (filled bread) in one view. I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. Maybe that will be a good treat for him. You know how headspace is extremely symbolic? Well this hadn’t happened before, but while kind of rambling about how strained my head was to myself I sort of started getting overwhelmed and spiraling? Well, my form actually started ‘melting’ in a way, like “this is how I feel. I feel like sludge”. He actually put a tiny plug in fan on the table and turned it on, trying to cool me off xD Funny thing is it did help a little, even if I couldn’t feel it. The sentiment was enough. I tried my best to hear the coffee being poured and the toast in the toaster and the waiter was about to come back to us, but then my gf came back from making dinner and I had to eat. Now I just need to work on a name he’d be comfortable with. I don’t feel the need to call him by his original name anymore, but I don’t want him to feel boxed in, either. I guess I’ll just look up random names until one clicks. He can change it later on if it makes him happier.
  4. #2 Our fictive we've been trying to help develop had his confidence broken a bit when learning from the internet that being the person that makes him the most comfortable is a character that is equally well-loved as much as mocked and called 'cringy'. He got scared he'd be made fun of or insulted for being who he wants to be. Sadly, while there was a lot of accepting people, this became true. He faltered a bit and said he wanted to change. We weren't sure, but said we'd support whatever he wanted. He was going with a mlp form for a while with a character we own, but that drive for it seemed to fade after no more than a week. I wasn't sure what to do, so I let it be for a while. Once I gave it some time and turned my mind back to the thought of developing him as that character, I felt that same spark of excitement come from him, thought a little more reserved this time. He's still doesn't fully feel safe saying his name/who he is based on yet. So, out of respect, I'll just describe it. Since then, we've done 1 really successful active force and are trying our best to keep up with passive forcing. We put ourselves in a meditative state with self-guided meditation and some rain noise. After focusing on my breathing and letting go of feeling my body, my mind guided me to an ideal room for visualization building. I was taken to a large, white, square room that had a single wooden stool in it. My mind said to really try and visualize the wooden stool, see any markings on it, feel the sides of it, grip onto it, and drag it out into the middle of the room while attempting to hear the legs drag against the floor. This took a little while to do, but I managed it eventually. Soon after, I sat in my own chair in front of the stool and (while trying my best to stay in 1st person view) did my best to visualize a sort of 3D model of my fictive. I started at the head, eyes, neck, shoulders, etc. Then I began to work on his clothes, trying to get him to give me clues on how he wanted to look, rather then design them myself. I wasn't 100% sure how this character looked with detail as my fictive seems more drawn to the character than I am, so I let him do what he knew of its appearance. He started with a blue shirt that fell around the top of his shoulders, exposing his collarbone and neck. It was a very loose shirt that stopped around a bit past his middle. After a while, the shirt changed around from a loose top, to a tank top, to a normal T-shirt. The color changed from blue to white and it went down to his waist. Then, he worked on the shorts. They were a deeper blue than the shirt was he was clear he wanted a black stripe down the right legging. Then, he worked on his shoes. He ended up going with pink slippers and is still seemingly debating if they will have bunny ears or be regular slippers. Lastly came his jacket. He made it a soft/calm blue with a hoodie filled with white fluff that sat around his head. The zipper was a shiny silver that I imagined I pulled up all the way to his neck, hiding his white shirt. We can't really tell if the jacket's arms are short or long, but we'll assume long and baggy for now. After his form was more well defined, I found myself feeling much further away from him, as now I could see all of him in my view. My mind said to see him raising his right arm and waving to me, then the left, and finally see his head slowly sway back and forth. All of it went much better than I expected. I'd never been able to see so clearly and with so much color before. I did have some issues keeping focus, so my mind would bring me out of the visual, get me doing a breathing pattern through my nose, encourage me, and then bring me back into the room. It normally helped the visuals to become clearer if I did it right. I was told to stand up and do my best to walk completely around him while maintaining 1st person view as best as possible to see him from all sides. It was difficult to walk over without 'teleporting' a few times and keeping in 1st person, but I managed to walk around the right side of him. His eyes followed me, but nothing else moved as I circled him. I took notice of the way his hoodie fell along his back as well as his shoulders, as well as the black stripe on the side of his shorts. I eventually made my way back around his front and sat back down very close to him. My mind remembered a part of a guide we read once and told me to reach out, really try to see my hands, and feel the top of his head. I did so and grabbed onto it and gripped my fingers down a little, trying to feel the resistance of my fingers pressing against his skull. My fingers sunk a little a few times before managing to find a place to hold. From there, I was instructed to move my hands down the sides of his face, around his eyes, nose, and mouth. By the time I got down to his neck, my attention span started wavering too much for breathing to help. By this time it had at least been 45 minutes (more or less). I sat back and decided to ask him what voice he would like. As a fictive, he had a few voice types we could choose from, and he picked one of them pretty decisively, even though he had started out with a different one. After that, I did my best to lean in and hug onto him, pat his back, and tell him we'd talk soon. In terms of passive forcing, I'm doing my best to talk all the time to him as well as ask lots of questions. I'm actively trying to not let my doubt get in the way of me hearing him. If it's not insulting or anything like that, I give him the benefit of the doubt. While my girlfriend was playing Dark Souls 3, she threw down those little prism lights and he asked what they were. I mentioned to my gf he asked and she delightfully answered and explained to him. We then kept talking internally about the game, trying to take it slow. Some small notes: - Ever since finding that room, I can visualize it pretty clearly as well as what happened while active forcing. I imagined while typing this update of Little's red panda pet running around in that room and it came out pretty clear (even though he looked more like a squirrel...). Seems like that place is going to be pretty useful from here on out. Maybe I should give it a name. - Since we hadn't seen the character my fictive's appearance is based on in a while, it was interesting how he chose his clothes. We've since looked him up and the shorts our fictive picked out were blue compared to black, and the one black stripe (which might become two) are white on the original character. Same with the slippers, I thought he wore sneakers, but my fictive managed to find the information somewhere that he wore slippers. Rather than white, he picked pink with possible bunny ears on them. I find that pretty interesting.
  5. (Yay, now I get to add more updates! I'm renaming this thread "Yuki's Progress Reports". as I don't call myself Yumi anymore.) #1 (Long post) There was a long time where I really wasn't sure I'd hear, feel, or sense anything even remotely vividly in headspace, but thankfully that's (partially) over. - As is most things that go along with my system and I's development, progress sort of popped up when I least expected it, stop trying so damn hard all the time, and definitely surprised me. While I'm still having trouble seeing colors besides blurs and grays in our house, Little recently started being her silly self and got a paintbrush and started running around the walls, trailing glowing rainbow paint behind her everywhere she went. I don't think we have the best control of permanence in our headspace yet, because the trail of paint wouldn't last too long behind her before sinking away into the wall and vanishing. Almost like a trail of light, rather than real paint. Little 'claims' it was because she wanted to be polite and not make a mess of the room, but I've known this kid for 8 years and I know she'd paint and put stickers over literally everything if she could, lol. When I brought that up, she just gave me that innocent smile and kept quiet. - I've started doing practices with touch as of late as the next sense I want to get really good at in headspace. It's going better than expected. I've seen tips/tricks mentioning picking up an apple and seeing how it feels, throwing a basketball, and really feeling the texture of them and how they interact with the rest the the world. Whether I'm instantly plucking the senstations from memory and sort of overlaying them on my senses like a blanket or if I'm actually feeling the texture of it with my form's hands is hard to tell. Either way, it's progress. I have a hard time with moving objects like streams of water or things with less solid features. Blankets, beds, hair, clothes, water, soft stuff, etc are all still can't really be picked up on yet. If I were to rest in a bathtub in my headspace room, I'd for sure be able to feel myself push off of the rim of the tub and step into the bath as well as hear all the details of the water, see the steam and shine of everything, and the way water echos the bathroom. I can do it even just as I type it, but the feeling of water and the warmth of the water are a different story. I guess I'll need to work more on that. Taste is somewhere in between those two (as long as it's a strong taste). It feels far more like plucking a memory and remembering the taste of an apple than actually tasting an apple in there, but it's still something. Smell is pretty much my absolute weakest strength when it comes to that. Doesn't help I have unreliable sense of smell in real space anyway xD - In terms of sound with voices, I could hear my fictive's voice while he was that fictive in headspace much more clearly than anyone else's so far. Possibly because of him having an already pre-set voice. Since he's now changed into something without a voice, we'll have to find a new one, but it was cool while it was there. It was like somewhere between auditory imposition inside headspace and distant mindvoice itself. While I'm at it, I should find better voice examples for all of us. - While having a moment to ourselves in real space, I (Nee) closed my eyes and went to see how Little was doing. She got excited and lead me to her room where she's been designing it to have more features suited to her. After a bit of thought, she decided to have one of those wall-castle beds. On the right side were the stairs to climb up, the middle was her bed with sort of rounded crib bars to keep her from falling so high up, and then a closed tunnel slide back down. Under the bed portion was an open space. She thought about putting a large open dollhouse there that she could jump into to play in (I mentioned 'Like Blues Clues?' and she got very happy). She quickly came to notice though she had nothing to do in there and scrapped the idea in favor for a desk she could draw pictures on and read books. I believe from what we can tell the castle is a sort of soft white with soft pink accents here and there. Once we develop more color, she's probably going to add some baby blues in there, knowing her. I know she wants to cover her room walls with her drawings (once we get strong enough in headspace to keep them there and not vanish all the time). She also put a treasure chest on the left side of the room for good measure. She then went up with her pet redpanda and they cuddled, took a small nap, and took turns sliding on the slide. - Small side note to that, when I mentioned the idea of practicing visual imposition with her red panda sometime, they both actually got rather excited. Her pet isn't an entire tulpa itself, but more an extension of herself that helps keep her company. She could probably do this with any of her stuffed animals, but she really loves her red panda. - Tulpa update: I suppose since my (once) fictive no longer wants to be what he chose at first we're going to start over as much as possible, while keeping some core aspects that could easily carry over. He saw one of the pony characters I own and really liked him and the idea of a human version of him as well. I'm giving him time to think it over before I start really active forcing again with him. When he was a fictive, he was sort of all of our tulpa due to the connection we had to that character. I'm curious now if he will remain that way or become more attached to say... Little or Star, because of their connection to the show. Of course, I'll keep just as invested and as supportive as I always have been. Since we are sometimes 'hive-mind' like when not focusing on talking to each other in our day to day, he's most likely to end up as our overall tulpa. At least on the plus side, I can clearly hear hoof step noises in here due to making my hearing better, so there's that if he wants to go that route xD - Completely different update, due to my increased ability to visualize images and movements in my own head due to headspace intereaction, my ability to visualize art I've wanted to make has become much clearer too, including animation. While I know a lot of it is due to practice, I feel this could be a good part of the reason that my art has gone from this (April of this year): (Art by me, April /17) to this (Art by me, Oct '17) And animation like has become easier due to vividly being able to actually see it like a movie in my mind. I dunno, just felt like writing this all down. :)
  6. I'm not entirely sure how to start this, but here goes. Hi! I'm a mixed-origin system of 8. Though, I'm questioning now if I'm more. A few months ago or so, I started questioning if I was otherkin (not what this topic is about, just some background). My youngest headmate was interacting with a group/community online with people like her and many of them identified as otherkin/fictionkin/etc. It did seem really similar to unexplained reasons why we felt so connected to a few characters and not others (as well as characters from their shows/games, but in a friend way). I decided to go into in my own sort of way try and use these connections during meditation to help with relaxation, anti-anxiety, and helping me sleep. I'd imagine myself falling into the character and seeing the world they live in and mess around with it. Since I felt so close to them or related to them in some way, it was comforting to really feel like them. Like putting on a costume and melding with it. I have a pretty good grasp on mental visualization, so it wasn't too hard. The two I've done with a fair amount of detail so far is being Isabelle (ACNL) and FlowerFrisk (Flowerfell). The one I've thought about going more into detail lately is Chise from The Ancient Magus' Bride. All characters I have a strong connection to as well as at least one character in it and the world they live in. (Yes, I know. And I know the rest of this may sound odd or weird, too. Please don't make any unnecessary comments on it). That's when characters relevant to those worlds came into play? I think the first one was when I was getting comfortable in this sort of sub-type wonderland area, almost like a simulation in a simulation, that was made up as an area from Undertale. I was also doing this to help sharpen my headspace senses. I tried to feel the flowers around my feet, hear any water streams, if any echos of other noises were bouncing around, if I saw anything special, things like that. I don't remember when it happened, but I remembered what I think is Underfell Sans walk in and talk to me calmly. He didn't act like what little I know about that character, but I guess more like the original? He was very warm and inviting, possibly from me trying to do this to calm any nervousness I had at the time. He smiled and we talked a bit and sat down next to each other on a bench. I asked him if he was some kind of walk in or some sort of mental program, like all of this was a meditative simulation I was running. He said it leaned far more towards simulation. Since experiencing more simulations like that, if I asked about if he's sure this is okay and that I'm not limiting him. He'd sometimes break 'character' of sorts and say "we" don't mind, as in all of the characters in the meditations that I've spent time with. Example: "We love you, we care a lot about helping you out and we think of you like family. This is what we want to do, and we'll be sure to let you know if we ever want to progress past this. Don't worry or be scared about thinking you're hurting us. If anything says we're upset with you or you're hurting us, it's just intrusive thoughts." He says this, but I still worry sometimes that while he says this is like a mental program, and he/they/it does feel and care for me, and want to help me, that I'm somehow making them say and do these things against their will. I don't fully think this is the case, but the idea scares me. I've been a system for somewhere around 8 years so I can tell it's not entirely me, but I just don't know really what this and what's going on, not that I mind it. Is this what I've heard called a type of servitor before? Or maybe a type of fictive that can change forms for the 'simulations'?... Are there mental 'programs' actually like this? Maybe I just have not-fully-developed fictives? The most developed one by far is Sans, but another one I've spent time with is Amelia from ACNL when meditating as Isabelle. She had a different type of personality of course, but was the exact same type of comforting and "We're more than okay with this" sayings. Almost like a conscious or semi-conscious mental program that has some sort of protective/caring drive...? Like an AI you can put different scenarios into? I didn't intentionally create any of it, so I sadly don't have any answers... While I don't feel the need to say it for the any of the others so far, I sort of feel a draw to call Sans' simulation 'character' a fictive. He never seems to leave or want to leave the simulations and just seems happy whenever I show up there. I'd feel a little odd having him hang around in our main house in headspace, but he I think can talk to me during high moments of stress or fear to help talk me through it (just like in the simulations). I just haven't needed it much and have only tested it once or twice outside of it. I'm sorry for how long and tangled all of this is, I just don't really know what's going on?... My 'subconscious' (possibly) before has done things completely out of control before that changed things in my headspace drastically (like when I was 17 or so changed a toxic headmate and overtime without us knowing into a headmate that now, while sassy, fits in perfect with our family. So... Who knows? ^^" Thank you for reading if you decided to take the time to do so!! <3 Note: I don't feel any sense of hurt/uncomfortably from anyone but me about this and that's just my hesitation. I'm more asking if anyone has this sort of "conscious AI" sort of situation happen before?
  7. I don't know if this is relevant to the thread anymore, but I recently realized the possibility of a tulpa-like-being in one of my favorite book series... >>((Contains spoilers for the book series "Feed: A Newsflesh trilogy". Please read these wonderful books/listen to the audio books if you haven't already! Very interesting take on a post-tragic zombie-apocalypse world))<< In the second book of this series, Shaun, the now main character, lost someone immeasurably important to him in the finale of the first book. It broke him. They were inseparable since birth and they had always planned on him being the first to die at the hands of the zombies, due to his job being far more dangerous. You learn more vividly in the second book just how /much/ it broke him. A completely independent from him (though not supernatural) thoughtform/consciousness formed in his mind to keep himself from going completely insane. It was the voice of that person he lost. It'd talk to him fully as a Tulpa would and was 100% aware she was a mental being, not the real person he loved. She actually mentioned this quite often as a warning to not get /too/ attached or mistake her for the real thing. She'd even realize things before he would at times and call him names to get him to realize what he was overlooking; "Come on, Shaun. Don't be stupid. You're not seeing the big picture here. Look harder.", etc. The closer Shaun got to ripping apart, the more vivid this mindforce would become, even to the point of visual imposition to an extreme detail and feeling her touch if she touched his shoulder or hugged him. She was basically the glue inside of his mind keeping him together and not feel so alone. He admitted he probably would have killed himself if it wasn't for her voice lingering inside of his head. This mindforce, though knowing she wasn't really her, still felt love and care for Shaun. She cared about him, looked out for him, and scolded him when he made bad choices or serious mistakes. She'd also encourage him and remind him of the good times they used to have. It's not good in my mind to make a Tulpa based off a loved one who has passed, but it was never implied that Shaun /made/ her in his mind intentionally, more that she just popped up from his psyche to keep him from imploding, like a self-defense mechanism. I think there's a term for that in the Tulpa-community, but I'm not 100% sure. Anyway, enough rambling from me! I just realized this months ago and felt like sharing when I saw the start of this thread. Thank you!
  8. Ah! Thank you! Well, I'll be sure to let everyone know how it goes!~ <3
  9. I apologize, what do you mean by "You can do some stuff different with a physical focus, but I can't say I've witnessed this happen while I've been around."?
  10. Hi, there! It's certainly been a while, yeah? Due to a lot of stress, I had a really hard time focusing on my tulpa and having the time and physical/mental energy to dedicate to Jane (thanks disability!) due to the detail and everything else about her, so we put that on hold for a while. Now, onto a different idea for a tulpa we got. The youngest in our system, Little, a long while back picked up her then new stuffed rabbit toy (like from build-a-bear) and decided to ask for its name. She immediately got "Tiffany!~" in response, in mind voice, and more distinctive than most any of us have had, and we've been around for many years. We assume it's because Little is more in-touch with her imagination/world/people-building skills than most of us teens/adults in the system, but it caught even her off guard. Since then, Tiffany has become her most favorite stuffed animal, but she never got around to expanding upon Tiffany and what could become of her. Little decided with the help of our GF to try tulpa forcing again, but this time, with Tiffany! We already have an idea/memory of what her voice would sound like and heck, we've got the physical example of what she looks like right here. Little finds a great source of comfort in Tiffany and in extension we all do (being linked in the mind and all that). We're not going to say she must look this way if she ever decided to take a mindspace form visually, she could be just as she is, human, anthropomorphic, neko, or interchangeable. That'll be completely up to her. I also think since we have the stuffed animal in person with all of its details, that'd help with that aspect of her form as when we'll be experimenting with visual-imposition, something we've always been fascinated with. Besides, when Little is physically in control of the body, she really is a true child. She already adores hugging onto Tiffany, so I can only imagine how much more secure she'd feel if there was that level of attachment to the toy. She'd hug her and feel she was really hugging her best (stuffed) friend. That'd be good for a little one who has little to no friends outside of our GF. Has anyone here done this before and have any advice or suggestions? Can we just treat this as your general tulpa-build or is there a better way to go about this for a stuffed animal/object? If not, thank you anyway!
  11. This is one of the first real drawings I've made since I stopped drawing a year or two ago! I'm really proud of it, honestly!~ <3
  12. Thank you both so much and thank you for the code!~
  13. Those in here are my headmates Little (The bunny girl, 6), Nee (The blonde, 27), and Tenebre (The girl in the corner, 19) I may continue to draw these, because Little gets herself into a lot of situations xD She's normally a very well behaved girl, but she does have her sweet tooth xD https://i.redd.it/v9uj4cju7rey.png[/img]
  14. Sure! That's totally fine. If someone else has written one, feel free to disregard this one! It's my first ever guide, so I just wanted to give it a go since it's one of the only Tulpa things I have years of experience with so I'm not really able to contribute anything else xD Thank you for your time, though!