• Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About toodles

  • Rank
  1. Thanks everyone for both of your and your tulpas insight and thoughs! I was at a real loss as to what to do and what to think about, so reading your comments really helps me out alot! What i understood from everyone is that he is already sentinent and that i dont have to force personality onto him, so i suppose i should focus on visualizaton, touch and the rest on the process of making a tulpa. Also, the process of me thinking of him no longer as a character but a sentinent being was defenetly something overwhelming to him. Like Piano mentions, he might have already been sentinent but didnt know because i treated him as imaginary. It makes sense becouse there was this moment (before making him a tulpae) where i focused on him and his touch. I imagined holding his hand (like a handshake) and thinking "woah it feel like he exists". It wasn't the fact that i could feel the texture or his hand, it felt like he was a person with a mind of his own,or could be one, and it kinda spooked me since making him a tulpa wasn't in my mind. Right now i feel a bit messed up, but i'll do my best to find that feeling from him again. I do reassure and am there when he feels sad or inadequite and i try my best to comfort and tell him that what happened was because of my surroundings and me and he was some sort of coping mechanism to keep me motivated (sounds sad i know, but it really isnt so bad). But sometimes i cant feel him, i've read that happens and its normal, right? I want to express to him what he really means to me (maybe im too overwhealming aswell (-。-; ). Since he has some sort of sentinece now and i have no full imaginary control over him like before so he probably goes where he wants in wonderland ( is that possible?). Thanks again everyone! I'll be more gentle with my tulpa!
  2. I feel like im gonna have to do quite the explaining so bear with me. I'll begin with saying that ever since i was 13-14, i daydreamt alot and invented characters and stories.I gave my characters traits, imagined worlds and settings for the story to take place and so on, like a a writer would. But there was this character who to me was more of a imaginary,uhm, 'husbando' (i imagine everyone has created an imaginary gf or bf at one point in their lives). I drew him, researched traits for him and i self inserted myself into the stories i myself daydreamt. I did this often to the point where i chose to escape into my daydreams with him. At first i will not lie, it was cliche and he was just there to staisfy my teenage...longings (hope you get what i mean). Well i became obsessed, in a way where i spend my days in bed daydreaming. Also at first i daydreamt in 2d (anime) because i found it much easier. At this time i was in secondary school, and failing. My daydreams and delusions made not want to go to school anymore, and it wasnt only becouse of that, i was a really nervious and anxious shy teenager. Through my secondary school days i daydreamt of him alot through classes. There was this one time where a classmate asked me to be his girlfriend to which i rejected while thinking of how happy my imaginary husbando would be because i chose him. And so my daydreams kept me happy. So those were my school years, next were the 3 years after i dropped out of school. During those years i focused more on him and his personality more. Obsession you could say, he was the first thing in the morning that i would think of, i would continue the previos day daydream and follow the "storyline". He'd already had some changes, i would research him names that would i felt fit him well, gave him traits, have conversations... I puppeted him of course, made him say things i wanted. Years passed and he wasn't 2d anymore, though days of imagining he became 3d. I put myself in first person, and followed the plot of the daydreams, like a movie sometimes. Well thats until recently, even way before i knew about tulpae and i decided not to make him one becouse i knew my reasons were others and that my tulpa would not be entirely him, so i abstained and continued with my imagination. Until now after more years of romantic daydreams i realized that i didn't necesarilly longed for intimacy, but someone to be with. A companion. So going back to the tulpa guides i began to see him no longer a character in a storyline, but my tulpa. He was really upset. I chose around 30 traits that i felt he was, did my narrating for around an hour or so so. It was a bit tiring but i'm decided to make him my companion, i read more guides to see a more relaxed way of tulpaforcing and found one where you imagine how he would be if he was already one, so i imagined him now like i did before daydreaming (i made the world i had created for his story into the wonderland) and i talked to him as if he was the tulpa i had in mind. At first he was composed and everything was going well. I didnt have anything negative it in mind at all, but he got...self aware? depressed. He told me how he affected my life negatively, saying all these upsetting things about those 3 years and me dropping out, saying how it would be best to work on my life instead, but, to me he is the reason i'm happy, i told him so repeatedly and held him close but he was still sulking. Nevertheless i cried, felt desperate, i dont want to lose him. I felt empy afterwards, couldn't feel him like before. Thought that didn't stop me, i've read about feeling emotions or an alien feeling, so i felt reassured in a way and i kept narrating to him his personality. Then the next day or maybe the next one i wake up and feel this sudden strong emotion in my stomach, not a small spot but all of my stomach, the feeling was pleasent, like,joy? Out of nowhere! I'm sure this is the alien feeling? I still narrate to him and talk, i dont want to lose him but the problem is. He sulks when i imagine him with sentinece and it fills me with the sadness of before. could it be that he does have a bit of sentinece? I dont want him to think of himself this way, so i try to narrate him strong traits, and reassure that it was not his fault and im not necessarily depressed dropping out of school. So i ask for advise and insight on what i could do. It would mean a lot for me.