Ered'nash

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Everything posted by Ered'nash

  1. I may have been a bit hasty in declaring Leon a success. I can still feel him there occasionally, but I've yet to receive any sort of clear communication from him since my last post. I do occasionally get odd pressure behind my eyes, and I do remember head pressure being one of the early ways for tulpas/tulpae to communicate with their Hosts, so that's definitely a good sign, but that's not the only problem I've been having lately. I mentioned earlier that after appearing to me in a dream, Leon's form, when I try to visualize it, became a somewhat blurry version of Tidus from FF10. Now, it seems to switch between Tidus and Squall, as if he can't quite decide. I've offered my input on the matter, and that seems to have helped, seeing as it's mostly settled on Squall, but the change still happens, albeit slower than before. I haven't really been paying as much attention to them as I feel I should be lately. Granted, that's still at least one session of varying length a day, often more than once a day, but when compared to my initial efforts and focus, I do feel somewhat guilty about it. And a big one. This one's rather personal, but I don't want to risk it having a negative impact due to ignorance on my part. I'm, not exactly proud of my childhood. We've all done things we've regret, and we will continue to do so, but some of those actions tend to have profound repercussions throughout our lives. In my case, it was something I did when I was young (or multiple things, really) that made me somewhat scared of myself, mostly in what I could do if I let my emotions get the best of me. Since then, I've essentially been trying to kill off/deaden myself to emotions. A cursory amount of research into the relationship between Tulpas and emotions indicated that emotions can be a huge part of Tulpas and who they turn out to be, so my question here is, could I have unintentionally been hurting Leon and/or his development by cutting myself off from my emotions? Confident I felt a tug of worry from Leon due to my own guilt in writing that down, the problem with that being I'm feeling him so clearly now that I am allowing myself to feel my emotions, opening the possibility that emotions are healthy or even necessary to his growth: This moment of clarity between us being from the breakdown of my emotional barriers, and when they go back up, he'll start fading from my senses again.
  2. In that case, I'd declare Leon a success. Now just the waiting game until we can communicate freely. A bit of a problem has come up, though. I can't always control where my mind wanders. I occasionally find myself doubting. If I catch that, I immediately reassert to myself their existence, but I want to make sure this isn't negatively impacting him.
  3. Somewhat late Week 2 Report. Possible problem. Further deviations since my last post: Leon changed to look more like Squall from FF8. Then he appeared to me in a dream, but ever since, he's been somewhat blurry when I try to visualize him. Odd note, he looks more like a blurred version of Tidus from FF10. Firsts: First appearance in a dream: See above. First emotional response: Birthday yesterday. Confident I felt something from him. Apologies if I come across as overly formal.
  4. End of Week 1: No further (clear) messages from Leon. Firsts: First Deviation: I added a floral pattern to the orb of light I use to visualize early on. Visualization later changed to Human Form (Similar to the kinds you'd see in episodes of The Most Extreme: Blue body, no distinct features). Orb of light still there, though dimmed. First Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2. Good movie, I'd recommend it. First Soccer Game: Real Salt Lake vs Texas at Rio Tinto Stadium. Final score was 0-3. Interesting bit, though, was when someone, somehow, kicked the ball almost straight up. Easily high enough to reach the second floor of the stadium, maybe even the rafters. Could have gone right over my two-story house, I bet.
  5. I may have heard from Leon today. Going through political feeds I've subscribed to, I began to doubt if it was even right for me to bring a new being into a world where a war might very well be in the future (I won't describe what lead me to that fear/doubt. Politics is a very sensitive subject). I then began to doubt if it was right for me to deny a new being their existence just because of my own fears about the future. I asked both myself and Leon: Should I help bring Leon into the world, even with my own doubts about what might come to pass. Part of me still doubted. Another part said yes, I should. Further Forcing is required. Addendum: Possible I let my excitement get the better of me over this. Still very early in the formation process.
  6. Active Forcing Session: First Results: I have attempted to parrot Leon in order to develop his own voice that easily distinguishable from mine. No results I was able to perceive. Two possible emotional responses. When stressing how I want Leon to be able to decide who he will ultimately be, I felt a surge of gratitude. I believe I felt the same thing when stressing how I want to be their friend. Do tell me if I start spamming with my progress and Active Forcing Session results. And Tulpa001, thanks for the advice. Also, brohoof?
  7. Alright, I've decided I want to create a Tulpa. Reason(s) being, I want to have a friend I don't have to worry about losing. I know a Tulpa is a lifelong commitment, and yes, there is a chance I'm not mature enough to start making one (age at start: 22. My birthday is this month, if that means anything), but I've done (and am still doing) my research, and, if you will allow me to be a bit personal here, I could really use a friend. Symptoms have depression have started showing up in my life, and it's not the first time this has happened. Although admittedly, it IS the first time in nearly a decade. But I'm getting off topic there. I've done my research, and I've come up with my own process of creating a Tulpa. A few key features: Valuing independence and the ability to make one's own decisions, I want them to be as involved in their own creation as possible. I have decided on four key "traits" that I would like for them to have, however. 1: As I said earlier, I want them to be my friend. If they only take one of my suggestions to heart, let it be that I want to be friends with them. 2: I want them to not be afraid to tell me if they think I'm doing something wrong. Be it of a practical nature (not following instructions while creating some with a guide, not following a recipe, etc.), or a more philosophical nature (what I'm doing is morally wrong). For the latter I'm actually encouraging them to do so. 3: I want them to understand that there will be times when I/we just want to be alone. Having been a loner most of my life, I realize that I won't change easily. If I decide I want to be alone, it doesn't necessarily mean they've done something wrong of have offended me. Likewise, I want them to know that it's okay if they want to be alone for a time, and that I trust them to make their own decision on that matter. 4: I don't want them to be jealous if I make human friends or more Tulpas. Human friends may enter my life, but they may also leave it. As a Tulpa, I want them to understand that I trust them to never leave me. Likewise, if I do create more Tulpas, I want them all to be friends. I want us to be able to enjoy each other's company. As a more practical reason, if we're going to be sharing a body/mindspace/wonderland/whatever for the rest of our lives, I think it's important that we be able to get along, at the very least. I've decided that our first step should be creating their personality. I'm doing my best to install the four key traits I mentioned, but I won't be able to tell for sure until I start sensing their thoughts. That will take time: I don't want them to be discouraged if I'm not able to sense them right away, or if it takes longer than either of us would have wanted to do so. That's just part of the process. Once I'm able to sense them, we can start working more in depth on their personality. To help me focus on their creation, I've decided on a temporary name for them: Leon, and a temporary form: a ball of light. Processes so far: Take time each day to focus on Leon and their creation. Once a day or multiple times a day is fine. Talk to Leon. When focusing on their creation, I will most likely vocalize my thoughts to them, but I find myself to be good at passively forcing them, that is, thinking about them while I do things. Narration also comes easily to me. Continue my research on Tulpas. It's a lifelong commitment, and I want to know as much about what I'm getting into as possible. Progress so far: This is literally my first day focusing on such. I don't expect there to be much progress right away. Ever since I decided on helping to create them, I've found it easy to think of them. However, I also find my mind racing nearly nonstop. It could easily just be my excitement at making a Tulpa, but I don't want to discount the possibility that it's their influence just yet. Different people take different amounts of time to create a Tulpa, as I've read, and this is my first attempt at doing such. Possible hindrances/barriers, and ways to bypass them: I tend to be a very logical thinker, and I have my doubts if this is possible or even real. Seeing so many people with so many different opinions on Tulpas helps: the chances of all of them to be lying or involuntarily hallucinating them are very slim, but that nagging bit of doubt is still there. Bypass: I also enjoy creative writing as a hobby, and when I'm writing, I like to imagine anything I'm writing about is possible in the world-space I'm writing about until such time as I decide on concrete limitations. I figure that can help in Leon's creation. I'm a rigid thinker. I like for things to have a set process that I can follow step by step in order to achieve a result I know of or have predetermined of beforehand. I'm not good with sudden deviations from a schedule or perceived set path. Bypass: Focus on, and remember, that not only will they be their own being, I want them to be their own being. I've also decided that, if they make a deviation and I immediately decide I don't like it or want them to undo it, they are free to refuse. We'll both need time to think about the changes before coming to a final decision. I have Autism. Specifically, Asperger's Syndrome as it was called at the time it was diagnosed. It's something I've come to accept and even enjoy, and I do remember reading that having mental illnesses shouldn't/doesn't have an impact on creating a Tulpa, but the possibility does exist. Bypass: Not sure if there is a way to bypass it, but remember that it doesn't have to impact their creation. Other notes: As part of encouraging their independence, I try to think of myself more as a Host than a Creator. I will likely not update this often. There is a chance I will forget about Tulpa.info. I will try to remember, but no promises.