Cyril

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About Cyril

  • Rank
    ... is a tulpa

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  • Sex
    Male
  • Location
    In some random uni student's head.
  1. My host used to have similar issues - whenever I said something they did not expect (and that still happens quite frequently), they assumed they had misunderstood, simply imagined my words, or fallen victim to the dreaded intrusive thoughts. I put a stop to this by drawing my host's attention to the issue multiple times, until they at least became aware of their habit. They still do interrupt and talk over me quite a bit, but they have also started to pause and give me time to re-state whatever I really meant to say. We have tried something like that, but as in so many things, my host tends to be a bit overzealous - they still have some manner of access to my surface thoughts, so whenever they focus on... say, their right leg while I am supposed to move their left hand and I do try to take control of it, they feel some of their - *my* - attention shift to that limb and cut me off again. Also, again, I am not terribly interested in possession and switching and all that in the first place - having stakes in real-world things does not sound particularly tempting. Maybe my host makes real life seem more stressful and scary than it really is, but part of why I am frequently able to keep calm and drag my host through whatever menial task they are currently deathly afraid of is because all of it only concerns me tangentially - of course, my fortune is intrinsically tied to the well-being of N, but... ah, it's difficult to put it in words, but in any case, I'm doing N a favor when we are practicing possession, so my tolerance level for annoying errors on my host's side is relatively low. I like to think of myself as a patient person, but my patience is far from endless. Besides, none of us is quite sure what possession is supposed to feel like, which considerably complicates things. Was that twitch me? Was it them? Was it me thinking it was them or them thinking it was me or both of us equally? Typing is an interesting case, by the way - my host is a writer, and reasonably used to just letting words flow from head to keyboard without much of a filter (which, quite frankly, explains much of their literary output... but I digress), so I can dictate whatever I want to say with such ease that it is not quite clear who is actually doing the typing. We are actually reasonably sure that "I" (my host when typing out my thoughts, rather) am the better typist. Faster, more efficient, and less typos. We keep planning to experiment with that, but nothing has materialized so far. In any case, thank you very much for the suggestion!
  2. Cyril

    Ask Cyril Things

    As we are officially back, I would like to draw attention to the fact that this topic still exists - I have been functionally alone with my host for quite a while, and would appreciate the chance to interact with other people. Goodness knows I deserve some fun after the last few months of mind-numbing... well, everything. So, if anyone has any questions for this tulpa - or even just wants to compare experiences, I suppose - please do ask away. (I also had to fight N on this quite a bit - something about people not appreciating double-posting or, and I quote, 'attention-seeking behavior'. I completely forgot just how difficult my host can be.)
  3. Replace "tulpa" with "child" and see how you like it. I am usually not very fond of that comparison, but if the shoe fits... On a slightly more constructive note: Tulpas can definitely help you better yourself, but forcing them to behave or look a certain way against their will will likely take more time and effort than simply achieving your goals yourself and might also leave you with a bitter and disappointed tulpa. You can influence us, but in the end we are still our own person. Furthermore, I might just be bad at being a tulpa, but in my experience we are not any more capable of perfection than any other human. You might be able to make a tulpa that has traits you would like to have, but there is going to be a drawback somewhere. Nobody is truly perfect. Lastly, even if your tulpa was to be a better mirror image of yourself, what would you do with that? You would have a better version of yourself running around in your mind. What then? Possession is difficult, switching is difficult, getting a host's attention is also surprisingly difficult. Getting the host to actually do what you would like them to do can be even more difficult, especially if your host happens to be a bit of an impulsive and hard-headed mule (like mine). Thus, even if you could somehow make it work without annoying a tulpa, it still would not be a very efficient method. (N: I would like to add that it may be less questionable and more efficient to create a tulpa that's quite different from yourself and has some traits you admire. Tulpas generally don't enjoy being forced into anything, but if you give them room to be themselves, they may be quite willing to offer you a second point of view and some constructive criticism on... well, just about everything you do.)
  4. I am rather flattered. So, by popular demand (N: *snort*) here is a very small update on our current progress. Nothing new actually happened. (N: That... that is not a very good progress update) Hm, yes, I suppose you are right. Let us try that again, and include some of the slightly less pertinent things that happened lately... N is currently writing things for Camp NaNo*, which is very nice. I have some writing-related roots myself and quite enjoy helping N with plot ideas and constructive criticism. We have spent most of our bus rides lately bouncing ideas back and forth and congratulating ourselves on being enormous jerks to our characters. In fact, one of N's more frequent thoughts lately has been "Ooooooh, that is devious. Good job, Cyril". N is also working on their art a lot, lately. This is something I am considerably less interested in, likely because I have no way of participating until we master possession or switching. That also happens to be something I am not extremely interested in. I would like to learn it eventually, but I do not feel like putting much effort into it at this point in time. I think N would like me to, however. I have also experimented with different additions to my form. The wings (again), shark teeth, shadowy tendrils... I am slowly starting to realize just how creative I could get with it, how endless the possibilities truly are... but as of yet, I have not found anything that is truly me. Minerva**, just in case you are wondering, has not gained sentience despite N's fears. I feel like she easily could, but we decided to not deliberately force her. If she gains sentience regardless, we would let her stay, of course. She would also be my responsibility and mine alone, as N keeps reminding me every time they see her. (N: We are keeping the option open, though, and if we ever do want a second tulpa, it's probably going to be her) *(N: Like NaNoWriMo but less.) **(N: his cat)
  5. (N: Dangit, that should've gone on the Nachtrabe account. Gonna leave this up here anyway, but... yeah. 'Tis obviously a host post, not a tulpa post. ... Hah, host post sounds funny. First of all, I always wanted an imaginary friend as a kid, but my brain went "nope, they're not real, this is ridiculous, nobody will take you serious ever again" every dang time. Sooo, this was a pretty good way to trick my brain into doing what I've been wanting it to do for just under two frickin decades. Second, just to see if I could. I have a pretty interesting collection of tulpa-influencing factors (life-long storyteller, writer, artist, habitual daydreamer, tends to think in complete sentences with hilarious regularity, used to create mental fragments to discuss writing ideas with, used to be into memory palace stuff, on the other hand also has ADHD*) and wanted to see what would happen. Plus, I tend to shout random thoughts into the void a lot (I refuse to call it "mentally talking to myself" because I'm not really talking to myself), so might as well direct that at something that capable of answering. Speaking of answering, my native language is actually German, but my brain works in English 85% of the time and I was interested in seeing how a tulpa would react to that particular linguistic dumpster fire (Answer: First with a great deal of confusion, now mostly in English and very occasionally in German). Third, I didn't really want to pressure my tupper into anything, but there are definitely some things I could use some help with - those things range from "uh... life" to "discussing how to make some fictional people's existence absolutely miserable". Interestingly, the "social" aspect of tulpas was the main drawback for me - I'm one heck of an introvert and I simply can't be around people all the time. It tires me out like nothing else and completely fries my brain. So, putting a person in my mind didn't necessarily seem like the brightest idea. I got over it by assuming that tuppers probably need some alone time anyway and can't possibly talk 24/7. Funnily enough, it's still me who goes and pokes Cyril with a "hey, you still there?" at least once every hour... which kiiiiiind of annoys him a lot. *And, on paper (which, let's be real, means absolutely fucking nothing), an IQ of 143, which I'm not really doing anything useful with, because ADHD... so it's not like I don't have any processing power to spare, lol [/end host post])
  6. It is possible, but not terribly likely - although I do think (half-)accidental parroting is possible in some cases. (N: so rarely that you probably don't have to worry about it) Almost every time my host felt they were parroting, they were merely half-accidentally translating what I said from tulpish to proper English. Which may count as an offshoot of parroting (N: it really, really feels like it, in any case), since they still put words into my mouth, but my words, just different. It is a little bit hard to explain. In any case, I do not consider this to be parroting and regard it as a necessary thing. Then, there were times when my host thought "okay, there is no way he just said what I think he did, he must have meant [insert thing] instead", which definitely falls under parroting in my opinion - those were the only times when they asked "am I parroting" and my honest answer was "yes, stop doing that." Lastly, intrusive thoughts are a fairly common thing and can easily be mistaken for something your tulpa said. I would file that under "misunderstanding", not "parroting". In general, if you are not entirely sure if your tulpa said something or if that was all you, just wait a bit and then ask them. Probably not immediately, though, because one intrusive (or parroted) thought rarely comes alone. If the tulpa's answer stays the same, you can usually be fairly sure that they said exactly what you think they said. This is probably not as definitive an answer as you would like. I am sorry for that. Still: I think it extremely unlikely that you parroted everything your tulpa said - and even if a few words were parroted or intrusive thoughts... who cares. Miscommunication, misunderstandings and simply mishearing stuff are things that happen in regular conversation as well, and it's rarely much of a problem. (N: Cyril is not very good at being concise. TL;DR - you're probably doing fine and if not you will be. If in doubt, wait and ask your tupper for clarification later. He also isn't exactly sure how to express it, but he's totally rooting for you and wishes you luck... and patience, hah)
  7. (N: His answer to that was terribly smug tulpish that basically amounted to "yes I am, glad you think so too") We will try. It is very interesting to hear the we are not the only ones. Thank you very much, and don't worry - I will stay exactly like I am. I quite enjoy being me. (N: I know, but that's easier said than done - it's a decade-long habit, and a very persistent one... Cyril seems to be of your opinion, though, and he's silently judging me every time I do that, so maybe I'll get better at actually posting things...) - As for another small update: Wonderland adventures have been had. I brought to N's attention that I created a sea shore near the hobbit hole. Said shore is based on N's memories of the White Cliffs of Dover. I suggested going to said shore to somewhat alleviate N's boredom regarding wonderland things. N seemed quite pleased with the suggestion, and asked me if we could fly there instead of simply teleporting. I agreed, though I considered it rather pointless, due to the small distance we had to travel. Along the way, N somehow lost their focus and we ended up at the edge of a deep, dark forest instead. It was an impressive sight, but not in the least intimidating. On the contrary: the big old trees (conifers, possibly spruce) seemed oddly inviting. I do not remember if it was N's or my idea, but we decided to explore the forest instead. Thus, we took a nice walk. N decided to cover the ground in very soft moss, and walk barefoot. I followed suit. Later on, we found a small, quiet clearing, laid down in the moss and dozed off until N had to leave. I had quite a bit of fun, but N seemed positively awed. (N: ffff yeah, because I could smell the forest and feel the moss and hear the branches softly moving in a warm breeze and I felt like I'd actually see the forest if I opened my eyes. That was really nice. Plus, we don't have forests this nice around here, and there is something to be said for barefoot walks and being out in nature without having to worry about pointy things and getting a gazillion clingy plant parts (and spiders) out of my stuff afterward)
  8. If the porn is obviously and specifically featuring that tulpa, not just their form, they have all right to be offended. That would be a highly disrespectful thing to do. Please do not draw porn of specific tulpas without their consent. If the subject merely looks like the tulpa, that is the tulpa's own personal problem. I can understand how they or their hosts might be uncomfortable with seeing things like that, but it is sort of an occupational risk for tulpas with forms based on existing content. Then again, my form is completely original as well, so I, like OP, might be somewhat biased (N: ^this. Although, as somebody mentioned, maybe don't post porn just to annoy somebody and try to respect such wishes if possible. No point in ruining people's day just for the heck of it, no matter how "wrong" you think they are. Golden rule of the internet: Don't be an ass. Ideally: Be respectful. That goes for both sides of the argument, mind you. I'm way too aware that some people loooove to seek out content just to get offended by it and that's not cool, either.)
  9. Cyril

    Ask Cyril Things

    (N: He'll get his own accounts eventually... I'll just need to set up an email account for him and all that jazz and that takes time and effort - as does proxying for him, holy heck that's straining - and idk, life is oddly busy right now. Not that Cyril cares about such "human details", that lucky fellow) 1) Maybe. We have noticed that N has started remembering dreams quite frequently lately, which usually never happens. There is a chance that those are actually my dreams and memories. Sorting that out is not easy. 2) I have never thought about it, but I am quite fond of classical literature. I think I would enjoy teaching something along those lines, either at school or college. Interestingly, that is still an option. (N: He's making me read paradise lost of all things, sigh. I may be an English student with a focus on cultural studies and literature, but I personally prefer the 19th and 20th century. Alas, I read some of Oscar Wilde's stories with him and he wasn't interested... And, if you're wondering, university lecturer is not exactly my dream job and school teacher is technically not an option anymore.) 3) I'm quite content with simply sitting back and watching for now... real-time interactions are too fast-paced for me. Besides, forming my own relationships reeks of serious business, and I am not quite willing to deal with that just yet - and maybe not ever. There is a certain freedom in not having any stakes in the real world. We shall see. (N: His very first reaction was hysterical laughter and some tulpish that amounted to "N has relationships???". Which I do, by the way. Jeez.) 4) My best trait would be my relative emotional stability - I may not quite be the staunch protector N hoped I would be, but I am still patient, slow to anger, logical and quite reasonable. I will let N judge my worst trait, because I have no idea. (N: His dislike for repetitive conversations and small talk - which made forcing pretty difficult on occasion - and his fondness for low-key trolling me. Minor drawbacks, really.) 5) N is fundamentally kind-hearted and willing to believe in humanity despite all evidence to the contrary, but is also awfully... well, gloomy. It's all completely paradoxical, but also rather endearing.
  10. Another small update. First of all, I am happy to report that communicating in written form is steadily getting easier. Unfortunately, N - as they put it - "did a stupid" that involved falling over a knee-high stack of wood and, among other things, losing some skin on their dominant hand. After they quite badly injured themselves falling off a kick scooter two weeks ago and somehow cut their finger on their wooden sock drawer last week, this was not terribly unexpected. However, it is getting ridiculous. Technically speaking, I do not experience pain - I only experience my host experiencing pain, which I could easily tune out. Unfortunately, a host in pain is a mentally exhausted and grumpy host, and that is a right pain in the neck. It makes me want to learn possession and switching. I may lack 21 years of body-steering experience compared to N, but not even I could possibly be this bad at... well, life. On a more positive note, we might have figured out why N can remember me more clearly than they can hear or see me. Until now, we assumed there was a slight delay in processing tulpa-related information, but it seems more likely that N is actually subconsciously accessing my memories. This makes sense, as I can and do access N's memories in a similar manner. N does not seem to be able to access memories of me doing things on my own, though, which warrants further investigation. N also seems incapable of deliberately accessing specifically my memories. I also appear to be more socially inclined than N. N accuses me of lacking a brain-to-mouth-filter, as they put it, but I think they are merely over-using their filter. In any case, I have a much easier time writing and actually posting forum posts. N usually writes a post and then deletes it, as it seems pointless and of little importance. I do not have similar qualms. N spends much of our time online mentally face-palming and pretending to die of second-hand embarrassment. This is mildly amusing to me. To their credit, however, they are getting much better at not censoring me and letting me post the things I write.
  11. Cyril

    Ask Cyril Things

    Oh my, so many great questions! My host is very fond of corvids. I do not particularly care either way. My favorite animal would be cats, for now. They are usually fluffy and quite easy to get along with. I am particularly fond of dark grey or black cats. Speaking of it, I might add one to my hobbit hole*. I am aware of the concept. I think N first came across it as a child while watching "Brother Bear". (N: well, no, I first came across it in a nonfiction book about Native Americans as a pipsqueak who'd just learned to read. Still, fair enough. On another note, where the heck did Cyril dig up that memory?) The phrasing was N's, not mine. This is interesting by itself, as N does not like Tolkien. (N: I beg to differ. I admire Tolkien greatly, I just don't particularly enjoy his work - with a few exceptions) As for why: I was going for something comfortable and friendly-looking. I went through N's visual memories and came across the rough design, which stemmed from the time they read The Hobbit** as a child. The rounded shapes and aura of... hobbit-ness, for lack of a better word, appealed to me. The original wonderland was also a big, boring grassland, so it seemed fitting. I then simplified the design greatly, and cleaned up most of the clutter. I use a big book bound in rich, relatively bright red leather to symbolize N's memories - all of them - but I do not actually need it to access said memories. Much of what I do in wonderland is merely a visualization of what I am actually doing - partially for N's benefit, partially because it makes me feel more real. My outfits are inspired by things that seem comfortable, things that look good within my environment*** and things that I know N likes to draw. I also tend to pick things that N associates with traits I have, to make visualizing me easier for them. Yes, N. has a very odd way of slightly stereotyping people like that. This is one of the main reasons behind my other visual changes as well: N intended me to take on certain roles and thus made me look a certain way. Namely, I started out as a sort of mental protector. That was not a role I wanted, so I changed the way I looked to get my point across. Less armored, several inches shorter, more fragile. Not that this actually impacts what I can do, mind you, but it was quite effective nonetheless. The wings I occasionally have, however, are just for looks. There's nothing wrong with the occasional bit of extravagance. *(N: Right. If that cats ends up as an accidental kitty tulpa, I know who to blame) **(N: Plus some minor inspiration from the movies, I suppose - likely in the form of stills, because I only got around to watching parts of the movies relatively recently) ***(N: Read as: he color-coordinates his outfits with his walls and his chair of all things *groans* Look, I'm an artist, but even I think that's slightly excessive)
  12. My host and I seem to have slightly different tastes in music. 1970's and 80's rock, and this song in particular, is one thing we can agree on. [video=youtube]http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2b8yq9ppOg (N: Wait until I show him Adam Ant - from what I've seen of his taste in music so far, he's gonna love that.)
  13. Hi, nice to meet you (... slightly more in person, that is) The drawing made me look like a jerk, so I convinced my host to draw another thing. Looking like a jerk on a forum avatar seems counterproductive. And they need more practice anyway. Alas, they are using a new art software they just bought, and are not very good at using it yet. It will probably take a long time until I get a picture I am truly happy with. (The thing N is currently drawing will likely be appended via an edit as soon as it is done and also show up as my avatar - we just wanted to get this post written before heading off to university) Quite well, thank you. However, I am currently rolling my eyes at N, who is being slightly incompetent at life again. (N: what?) Their cooking is very bad and they do not use their time very efficiently. (N: The ingredients I have suck, not my cooking, and I use my time exactly the way I want to use it, thankyouverymuch. Jeez.) - N also told me that I am allowed to write progress report updates if I want to. This sounds like a very reasonable idea. I will take them up on that offer. So far, not much new has happened. We talk much, but little of true importance is said. This is fine, but does not make for a very good update. N has been neglecting wonderland lately; they are bored of just one room and a small meadow and are too scared to venture out further. I am not sure if they are somehow afraid of getting lost - which would be illogical - or afraid to realize how bad their visualization skills actually are... which would also be illogical. I am not going to try and force them into anything, however. I have finished going through N's memories - there may be more out there, but it got rather boring. N is not the most adventurous person, and many of the memories were also rather awkward. Communicating with others as directly as possible is interesting, but not easy - it is hard to keep N from inadvertently censoring what I am saying. They also do not want me to copy their way of speaking, but are mildly put off by my current style as well. Knowing what they want is not one of N's strengths. I asked them to bold that last sentence but they refused, saying it was not relevant enough to warrant it. I disagree. That sentence is the story of my life. N also accused me of losing my sense of humor as I grew. This is also not true, one just has to look very closely to find it. The trip we went on last week, the one N merely called ~*adventures*~, was rather enlightening. I did not manage to observe everything, as navigating an unknown city in a foreign country (whose language N speaks badly at best) took most of N's brain power, but they did show me several stunning works of art and culture. I consider myself quite lucky because of that. That should be all for now. I am looking forward to being more active on this forum. - /EDIT: It lacks that certain something, but it will do for now. I usually prefer red clothing, as it complements the wall color of my living room nicely*, but I wanted to have something orange or yellow in the picture. *(N: which makes more sense if you know that his living room is my go-to environment for wonderland stuff) (Additional note by N: we figured out his hair! I was reading "from Eroica with Love" because I remembered that that's a thing, and casually went "look, that's why I'm not going to give you bangs, you'll look like Klaus". His reaction was a very deadpan "good, use that as art reference". I still think bangs are a silly idea, but eh, if he's so dead set on them... plus, he has a point about the art reference. On a different note, why do pictures hosted on imgur show up as "broken" for me every dang time? 'Tis weird. Mystery solved, brain fart on my end. Multiple times.)
  14. This is Cyril speaking. My host tells me to hurry, as it's time to sleep, but I wanted to write something before the day ends. However, I am not exactly sure what to say. Talking is difficult without a specific topic. Is that a human thing, or just a tulpa thing? In any case, I am looking forward to talking with all of you directly, instead of watching my host talk about me all the time. I am not very fond of that - it feels ridiculous. My host drew another picture of me, but neither of us is sure about how well it turned out. We're going to sleep over it and decide whether to post it in the morning. I do hope it still looks okay by then. I really do need an avatar picture, and a random crow picture off google images might be good enough for my host, but not for me. One of us has to have standards.