chimes

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  1. Fantastic advice, y'all. Thank you. I feel a sight bit better than I did a couple of days ago when I made this post. I think I will continue on with making her and above all else, try to keep my mindset positive and confident. It's very helpful to hear that tulpas can in fact tell intrusive thoughts apart from me, and will understand that this is just an issue I'm trying to work out. This reminds me of something I read in one of the posts Tewi linked. That no one else thinks your intrusive thoughts - on some level they are still you, right? So yes, making peace with the root of the thought, and realizing that thoughts CAN be controlled... That should be something I start actively working on. Thank you all very much!
  2. Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I don't so much fear the possibility of her leaving me at this point, but more the general issue of having these problematic and intrusive thoughts and how that would affect her while she's forming. My mind is cruel in that it starts shouting his name - that's all that need be said, at this point - whenever I start thinking about tulpaforcing. I don't want his name being the resonant mantra banging around in my mind as she experiences her infancy. I want the space she is made in to be happy, safe, and comfortable. It's like... Let's examine an example of personality forcing. Things might be going just fine for a while, but then the discussion will become like this: "Tulpa, you're a compassionate person. You like to help people, and make them happy. (Intrusive thought.) You like [insert friend's name here.] No, you don't. (Intrusive thought.) You don't like [friend]? You're right, you LOVE [friend.] No. Stop it brain. (Intrusive thought.) You like [friend] more than you like [me]. Please. Please stop. You like books, you find them very interesting-- (Intrusive thought.) You want to run away with [friend] and leave [me] behind." I guess what I could do is just trust that the intrusive thoughts won't be picked up by the tulpa. That she will know that isn't really what I want her to think or feel. It's just hard to feel like while I'm trying to concentrate on what should be such a fun and lighthearted activity, I am bogged down with thoughts that won't go away. They taunt me and it's exhausting. It was such a peaceful and exciting prospect to make a tulpa, and this whole thing has killed so much of the naive enjoyment I had for the process.
  3. Immediately apparent to me is the old advice that with things inside the mind, it is always how you perceive them that they shall be. Ergo, if I don't believe he broke Tulpas for me, then they wouldn't be. But it just isn't that simple, sadly. A few years ago, a close friend of mine made an offhand joke that has haunted me ever since. We were talking about progress with our tulpaforcing, which we both fell out of shortly thereafter. He made a quip about how he was going to invite my tulpa over to his wonderland, because she'd been saying she preferred to be with him instead. Just a bit of antagonistic banter. Guy talk. I knew he was joking, but I am a naturally neurotic, anxious person, and it put a seed of doubt and fear in my mind. I had subscribed wholly to the metaphysical perspective of tulpamancy and the thought that she might leave... It scared me. I think the thought of that put me off forcing, and he stopped forcing perhaps because it bored him. I dunno. While I've since overcome the fear of abandonment, and realized that a tulpa wouldn't just up and leave like that, my fear has mutated into something much more plausible and also much more arresting of any serious venture into tulpamancy: My friend's offhand comment has now become virtually inseparable from the concept of tulpas for me. I have intrusive thoughts about it whenever I think of tulpas, and my own process of forcing, and as a result, I just don't force. I don't work on any part of the process. My deepest worry is that she will, having been raised in an environment where my mind keeps shouting my friend's name, become that which I fear. She'll prefer my friend over me, and I'll have a tulpa who actively dislikes me. And of course, such thoughts are self perpetuating, self fulfilling, and in the mind of a person with OCD, almost impossible to quell. It has defeated both my faith and my interest in making tulpas, even though that thought causes such a deep despair in me... I really wanted to make this tulpa, I wanted to have this friend and not be shut off from the world of tulpas. But what exactly can I do? I don't want to raise a tulpa who dislikes me, who shouts the thoughts my mind keeps echoing, leaving me even more broken and alone than I already am. I don't even know why I bothered writing all of this. I don't think this is a situation I can solve. I keep trying to just push through it, to read the guides and maybe do a little bit of forcing here and there, and hope I can silence the intrusive thoughts, hope that they won't affect her, but she can fucking hear them, it's not like she'd be deaf to all of it. I don't know what to do and it hurts so much. It's my own damn fault, too, for being so OCD about everything.