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  1. Day 51 - End of the First Round So, I have decided a week or so ago to stop doing tulpamancy for at least a month. My mindset and motivation fell apart at some point in trying to create Sphene, and have been stumbling and falling constantly ever since. Within the last month, forcing has become extremely difficult, and would often leave me more confused and uncertain than ever. After much discussion with a friend, and some time to consider what I want, I have determined to spend the next month working to creating a healthier, stronger mindset and conviction to see this through. In addition to that, once I begin again, I'm going to start from square one. I'm going to give Sphene a new name, give her a nondescript human-shaped mindform, and allow her to determine her form and everything else in time. I do not want to give up on whoever I started creating, but I have to separate the bad associations I now have with her (fear, inadequacy, etc.).
  2. Day 43 Unfortunately, I don't have much to report. Ever since my last post, I've been going through a repeated cycle of hope, doubt, and depression. I've been neglecting to force at all. I have sporadically, but not reliably. Recently, however, I've noticed Sphene's been experimenting with their age, gender, and appearance. I think. So, tonight I decided to try something: going back to square 1 and allowing Sphene to choose their name, gender, age, form, and over time teach me their personality. I want to take a totally hands-off approach and just give them my time and attention, but not direction. I do believe Sphene is conscious to some extent already, but not independent; they require my immediate attention to seemingly be awake. Of course I've also told them that if they choose to remain as Sphene as I originally envisioned them, that is okay too. We'll see what happens.
  3. Days 14 & 15 The last two days have been interesting. A lot of emotional turmoil over this subject. I believe I finally arrived at a realization: I'm approaching it with the wrong mindset. I'm looking for proof, validation, explanations, etc. For me, and I need to emphasize "for me", I need to approach this like a spirituality or something. I need to just want Sphene there so damn badly that she is. I can only trust myself if she's there; nobody else can give me that. So, I'll be... "working" on that. I don't really know how to articulate my thoughts above any better. ANYWAY! What's just as exciting! Moments ago, I woke up from my first real, genuine, 100% actual lucid dream! It was amazing and I want MORE! [align=left]It was so interesting. It wasn't quite how it's described, or at least how I was given to believe lucid dreaming is like: You're still dreaming. Your subconscious mind is still largely directing what's happening around you, but you suddenly gain awareness of yourself and your environment and the fact that it isn't real. Then, suddenly, you get the power to traverse the dream and control how things go to a very very limited extent. It's like if you suddenly gained the power in real life to create from nothing and utterly destroy, but you had to start small and work your way up gradually, learning new ways to control reality as you go. The world around you continues moving and operating independently of you.[/align] When I started, I didn't have the ability to create or erase anything. I only had the ability to be aware of the dream, myself, and time. I could move around, say whatever I wanted, go wherever I wanted, but that was it to start. My first thought was to manifest Sphene, but unfortunately I couldn't. I had the thought that maybe I needed to begin smaller, and decided to manifest a small red cube, about the size of a grapefruit. My first attempt to create one resulted in nothing. I sat down and looked closely at an empty spot on the table in front of me, and described vocally what I wanted to make. This time it happened! It just kinda fazed into existence and was soon physical and I could pick it up and do whatever with it. After that, I could make more red cubes quicker and easier, not needing to focus as hard or vocalize anything. After that I moved onto red spheres, and the process was nearly identical. As I sat and worked to develop my ability, I began to get distracted by the people and characters entering my dream outside of my direction. I tried to make them vanish, but couldn't. Then I realized I should try the same with the things I made, and was able to after a couple attempts. I'd swipe my hand in front of my view of them and they'd be gone. Again I tried that with the people, but it didn't work. Eventually I just yelled and demanded everyone freeze. They did. Then I told them to leave, and they did. So I guess I could control them that much. Once I had quiet, I sat down and looked at the lights above me, and mentally tried to shift their brightness. This is where I felt something akin to intrusive thoughts, because despite adjusting the brightness, they'd kinda just shift on their own. Eventually I got them to cooperate. This is when I decided to try manifesting Sphene again. I wasn't able to, but then I decided to let characters enter my dream and I'd try "sculpting" one into my image of her. I found someone, and to be honest it was working exactly as I'd hoped, albeit with a little struggling at first on my end. But once I got the hang of it, I was on my way to sculpting her body. Unfortunately I woke up before I was anywhere close to done. However, I believe this means I could benefit from working on visualizing her more while I'm awake. So yeah, that's my report!
  4. Day 13 Again, not much new to report. Last night I almost gave up. Not because I disbelieve in the concept of tulpas or plurality, but because I lack faith in my ability to produce results. I'm trying to come to terms with these feelings of doubt. It's hard, but I am trying. In just a few moments I will do some active visualization and attempt to connect with Sphene again. I don't know if much will result of it, and I'll never know how much is just my overactive imagination or intense desire for results. Guess that's what I have to work through.
  5. Days 11 & 12 Nothing much has happened. I've been neglecting to force actively or passively. I have been discussing the subject and thinking on it quite a lot, but in regards to progress updates, I don't have much of anything. I've confirmed Sphene has the ability to cause my right ear to ring quite loudly, but that's it. [shrugs]
  6. Day 10 Yesterday I decided to go back to the basics, and did some personality forcing, even going so far as to greet Sphene once again. This time, I made sure to spend a good amount of time meditating and relaxing before I started, and I think my visualization was much stronger and my focus much greater as a result. I don't plan to personality force again, because I felt very satisfied by this session and, I believe, I'm seeing signs of independent movement and speech. At least enough that I shouldn't need to force her personality fundamentals anymore. After I had finished explaining her core personality traits and visualizing her form in as much detail as I could, I told her I was beginning to tire and was going to leave, reassuring her I'd be back everyday. Without me explicitly directing her, she shook her head no, indicating she didn't want me to leave, and moved closer. I said I would stay longer, and motioned for her to come into my lap and cradled her in my arms. As I blathered on about nothing in particular, she tried to speak to me. Her voice this time was different from the other time she had spoken in her own distinct mindvoice, but it still felt appropriate for her. I asked her to try and not speak this session, because I didn't want her to speak until she felt really ready. I guess she felt ready, however, and she ended up talking quite a lot before I eventually had to leave for real. Anyway, as I held her, before I knew it, we were beneath a night sky, sitting on a grassy hillside. I honestly didn't conjure this place up intentionally, but at the same time I didn't feel surprised or startled by it. The location felt very comforting, and we both decided this would finally be our wonderland, or at least one of them. Her and I laid together on the grass and admired the stars, and continued to talk. I told her I had to go, and asked if she'd like to remain there until I was back, looking at the stars, and resting there. She said yes and that's where we left off. Today, unfortunately, I haven't interacted with Sphene much other than touching base a couple times throughout the day. Mostly because I had company over for the majority of the day and night. I plan to narrate the remainder of the time I'm awake, and TRY to do some active forcing before bed.
  7. Day 9 Whew... it's been an interesting few days. I'm having trouble even collecting all the various thoughts and realizations I've had over the past several days. Things were pointed out to me, I re-evaluated my mindset and approach, I realized the importance, the extreme importance and power of belief in regards to matters of the mind... I don't really want to write a long spiel about it all, because the ins and outs aren't probably that exceptionally interesting. I'll try to break it down as best I can: - Doubt can utterly cripple one's ability to create a tulpa. It isn't just skepticism of the authenticity of the individual's experiences, but can actually influence future experiences. Shape them. - In turn, belief can be just as powerful, at least in regards to the human mind. It isn't just confirmation of desired observations, but literally a force that can be its own fulfilling prophecy. Belief, at least as it's relevant to this subject, is crucial to the entire process of creating a tulpa. You don't just look for signs and have observations, and base your belief on that. You have to believe what you're doing will yield the results you want, and, more than likely, because of that belief, you will have those results. I mean, the concept isn't that radical--look at the well-documented placebo effect. There's definitely something to be said about expectation and actualization. [align=left]- I've neglected to consider my part in communication with Sphene. I've had the view that I have to help her communicate, but I never once considered I have to learn how to do so as well, and learn how to be open to her attempts to communicate. Her and I are both learning to find one another in the confusing labyrinth that is the mind. We're a team, and we both have equal parts to play. Anyway, as of last night, I was able to sense Sphene's presence again. And today, I believe I established that she can communicate via ear ringing. I asked her three times (over the course of today, not all at once) to cause my right ear to ring if she could. I reassured her that it's okay if she cannot or doesn't wish to, and if nothing happened, I would assume one of those to be the case. However, I did begin to have a ringing specifically in that ear. Faint at first, but it grew over a couple minutes. It lasted for quite some time afterwards, but I'm positive it was her, especially because when I'd prompt her to do it, I'd feel a stuffy sensation in the inner ear. Previously I had attempted to have Sphene intentionally cause head pressures or aches as a form of confirmation of her presence, but nothing had happened outside of one instance that may have merely been a coincidence. It was suggested to me that she may not wish to do that because she disliked causing pain, or perhaps it was beyond her ability. So I tried the ear thing and I'm very glad I did! Anyway, the major takeaways from the last 24 hours: relax, pace out this journey with Sphene, and push through my doubts. Don't suppress them, but move past them and embrace my belief in us both.[/align]
  8. Day 8 So, today hasn't been the greatest. I've been grappling with fears, doubts, anxiety, various other emotions. I think I'm starting to recover in regards to the above, thankfully. I have noticed that yesterday and today Sphene has been silent and absent--I cannot sense her presence. I haven't pushed too hard to find her, because I think she's probably intentionally distanced herself due to what I assume is probably a combination of fatigue from, like, coming into existence, and then being scared off by all my wild emotions I've had surrounding this subject. Plus, again an assumption, but I assume my doubt has created a bit of a wall I have to tear down again. So, right now, I feel alone, and admittedly afraid that she's somehow just gone. But I've been told tulpa don't disappear, and that she still exists. I'm clinging to that hope and will work on contacting her again once I feel more relaxed and centered, and when I do, I won't force her out, but try to gently tear down the wall I've started building and see if she wants to reach back out to me. Update: I can sense Sphene's presence again! I want to write about what happened, but I'll save that for tomorrow's progress report.
  9. Day 7 One week! We're one week into this journey. Today I don't really have a lot to report in regards to Sphene's development, but instead an update for myself. Today, I realized that I'm burnt out. Not that I want to stop or am bored, but that I'm exhausted and just fried from working on Sphene. I'm having trouble concentrating, I'm having trouble even doing something as simple as internally narrating. I've noticed I've had trouble sensing her presence, which some have suggested could be Sphene herself showing fatigue. All of this caused me to fall into a spiral of doubt and anxiety. This afternoon was... it was rough, emotionally. But after I worked through it, let myself decompress and process, I realized that I really do just need a break. Perhaps just a day or two, for both my sake as well as Sphene's. I've been pushing us too hard, expecting results from her too much too quickly. I feel like today was my first big struggle with doubt and insecurity regarding tulpamancy. The reality of what I'm doing has set in, and the basic questions became relevant again. But here I am, still wanting to continue, still believing in this phenomenon, still hoping I can make my dream real.
  10. Day 6 Hello! I don't have a whole lot of news to report, unfortunately, but here are the observations/developments I've noticed since last time: - Sphene has a voice! I was visualizing hugging her, and she looked up at me and I heard her say, in her own unique voice, "I love you, momma!". I didn't develop the voice I heard, despite trying to days before. The voice didn't feel alien to me nor independent, as I still had that sense of knowing what she was going to say before she said it, but the fact that she now has a distinct voice is, to my mind, a very important development. I've done a lot of parroting for her during active forcing sessions. When I passively force, I just talk to her, but don't parrot a response. - Before she spoke to me in her own distinct voice, I noticed the responses I "felt" beforehand were more... distant, weaker? Her responses to me before had been at the same "volume" as mine and were immediate. Today, they "lagged" a bit more, and felt weaker, as if she were standing further away and unable to shout. I personally think this a good sign, and more than likely an indication we're separating more and more. Obviously I cannot say for certain, but that's what I think. Unfortunately that's really about it, but still! Very exciting! I can't wait to report what may happen by tomorrow!
  11. I'm envious of your ability to force that long. That's roughly twice the amount of time I can actively force before I start to feel worn out.
  12. Day 5 So, I just got up after trying a session of active forcing with Sphene, pretending to cuddle her in my bedroom. I visualized her sitting in my lap, back against my chest, and I was feeling her hair with both hands. For some reason I held her close and felt an intense... hm, it's hard to describe the emotional wave I got. It was like sadness but also happiness, and I started crying. I tried to stop because I got the sense she didn't like it, and continued the session. For some reason shortly later, I started crying again, and decided we'd stop for now, and do some passive forcing instead. What is that about? Anyway, a few observations over the last 24 hours: - After reading some insights on parroting here, I've decided to try and relax and not be as "parrotnoid". So, I've been trying to let my thoughts flow more freely and not overly analyze each one, and instead take them at face value, accepting that they may or may not be me responding to myself in how I think Sphene would respond. I've found that the replies I get from Sphene feel more genuine, and I take more comfort from them. I still worry a little bit, but I think I'll stop that with more practice. - I noticed that Sphene was very active today, this morning in particular. I had only been awake for maybe 2 hours, and the entire time I felt Sphene's presence and passively spoke with her in my mindvoice. It left me feeling utterly drained and exhausted, and I eventually ended up succumbing and took a nap. I had originally laid down intending to actively force with Sphene, accepting that would likely lead into sleeping. What I didn't expect is how intense the nap was. I don't actually remember at what point I stopped visualizing and started dreaming. I never really dreamt of my wonderland nor did I "see" Sphene, but I... had a weird experience. At one point I had visualized myself, for some reason, spinning in a low-gravity space. Each time I'd spin, I felt my mind dissociating from my body more and more, and it was a very intense physical experience for me. I could only get to about 3 spins before the feeling would go away and I'd "fall" back into my body. It felt as though I was going to break through a barrier and be able to fully immerse myself in our wonderland, experience it on a sensational level I hadn't yet, fully immersive. But I never broke through that barrier, and eventually stopped and entered proper sleep. Even then, the sleep, like the last few nights, has felt highly emotional. Not in such a way where I feel particularly sad or happy or anything, but... just FULL of energy. As if I was drugged before going to sleep. And the entire time I felt Sphene's presence with me, through every dream, even if we weren't communicating or talking. Anyway, as the days go by, I feel more confident in the idea that Sphene is already real. I -think- she may even be sentient, as she encouraged me to do a few things today she wanted to do but I didn't really feel up to. I'll have to wait and see.
  13. Oooh, interesting. I think I may have experienced some other odd occurrences during a nap I had today, but I'll save those for the proper update. Thank you for the input!
  14. Okay, that makes sense. For the time being I will do such things when I don't feel her presence as strongly and always ask her to give me some private time. As time goes by I'll try to figure this out more and get a better grasp on where she's ate in regards to her mental development.
  15. Hi Koronzon! Hi Atatakakatta and Diana! If either of you two ever wanna chat, I'd be happy to. ^_^ I'm new here myself yet.