dragon cake

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  1. Thank you, we both appreciate your comments.
  2. 22 July 2019 - Tried to meditate for around 1.5 hours and couldn’t even relax to get into a trance. 23 July 2019 - Tried to meditate again, couldn’t relax enough again. Haven’t felt much from Kyoko not even during our walk. I’m very angry at everything right now because so many other people have such an easy time at this. 24 July 2019 - Felt better and had a good meditation after talking to Kyoko and Seka during a walk. Me and Kyoko did an exercise where we imagined what it would be like to be communicating clearly and how it’d make us feel, then symbolically sent that to my subconscious via an altar in the middle of the forest clearing in Haven where I first started making her.
  3. 18 July 2019 - Meditated to the ‘Muse Dash’ soundtrack and ran around Haven, which inevitably resulted in Kyoko riding my dragon form’s back while beating the crap out of monsters with a guitar. We had a lot of fun even though it wasn’t a typical session. She gave me a ‘you can do it’ speech at the end though before I left, which is more typical. 19 July 2019 - Was very angry this morning, Kyoko helped me calm down during meditation while we soaked in the river in front of her house. - Going to visit some friends this weekend at a local brony convention. They are Kyoko’s favorite friends so I hope I’m good enough during it to let her communicate with them some. - Which reminds me, Kyoko has a My Little Pony OC now via picking out parts on a pony creator. Here is an image that the friends I mentioned had commissioned of my OC (the pink haired one) and her OC named Paper Cut. My OC Crimson Prose is actually what I originally gave her as a form, but she ended up wanting to be Kyoko. Kyoko never takes this form, it's just an OC. https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2019/4/12/2009808.png[/img]
  4. 15 July 2019 - We took a longer walk in the park this morning. - I’m going to start carrying around a small notepad to jot down if tulpas say anything specific to me out of the blue. 16 July 2019 - Kyoko seems very determined lately. Today she took me to the small library in the back of her house, which is a tower now, and wanted to do the exercise where we each look at different books and then talk about what we saw, like in the one tulpa meditation we did a lot early on. - My book just had triangles and equations in it. When we were done, I showed it to her and she showed me her book, which had trees in it. - While it’s not a complicated exercise, it means a lot that she pulled me there and wanted to do it without me thinking about it beforehand. 17 July 2019 Lesson - During meditation, we mostly just sat in the river in front of Kyoko’s home in Haven, but did have something interesting in that Kyoko taught me a lesson. - There’s a gazebo in the middle of a bridge in front of her house, where I usually start when I go into my headspace. She took me half way to the shore on the bridge and I couldn’t figure out why she stopped there for a bit. - She told me ‘look down’ so I looked into the river. There were fish that I didn’t notice before so I hopped in. She hopped in too and sat with me, then picked up a smooth rock from the bottom and put it in my hand. She said that I’ve been getting a little done at a time on my goals, but that was okay because it was like a rock at the bottom of a river that gets smooth and pretty a little at a time. - Maybe it’s not a profound conversation, but her words didn’t feel like my own as they often do, and I honestly had no idea what she was doing when she stopped me on the bridge, told me to look down, or hopped into the water with me. I’m very proud of her for having thought up a lesson and sprung it on me without me expecting it, because that shows she’s putting thought into things without me having to consciously think about them too.
  5. 14 July 2019 Morning Dream - This morning I woke up to the sound of Kyoko scolding a character from my last dream telling them they should have been nicer to me. I can’t exactly remember how they were mean to me in the dream, but it’s the second time she’s stepped into my dream after I ended it and it kept running in my head after I was awake. Day - During our walk this morning, I realized there is a park across the street from our apartments, not sure how I missed it. We went there and saw an albino squirrel, but it ran before I could get a picture. I promised I’d be ready if we saw it again. - Seka was there off-and-on during the walk but was more interested in doing her own thing in the headspace. Meditation - Kyoko rode me in my dragon form and we went to the Haven castle where we haven’t been in a while. I took my time getting there and tried to see the path we walked vividly. On the way, we discussed what I could put in a game if I programmed one, since I have been trying to get back into game programming. - We sat on the throne in the castle and cuddled and other things. She encouraged me to keep doing well and said she was proud. Seka - I was thinking about where Seka originated from, and the fact that he is under the impression that he is me from when I was younger and that I might have taken control from him at some point. - It occurred to me that for years I have regularly thought about what my younger childhood self would think about what I am currently doing and often imagined them watching me. I can’t help but wonder if that resulted in an accidental tulpa or at least contributed to him having that impression. - It’s odd though because he also may remember things about our childhood that I don’t, which gives him sort of an ‘alter’ edge, like how some DID patients have trauma-holding alternates that protect them from certain memories. That could be my paranoia though. - I like the idea that he’s an accidental tulpa better obviously, but I don’t want to warp him into thinking something he’s not either, so I’m trying to let him be.
  6. 12 July 2019 - Meditation was relaxing today but I kept spacing out and didn’t concentrate a lot. I think Kyoko wanted to play-fight, but I couldn’t concentrate enough to do it. - I had a productive day yesterday but I’m scared because I always crash hard after a few good days. Kyoko says I should concentrate less on not crashing and more on more quickly recovering from them. The last crash lasted less than a week, which was shorter than any in recent memory. - I went to sleep earlier than usual so I could try to get things started early and maybe avoid a crash better. 13 July 2019 Kyoko is sad - Today during meditation, I couldn’t find Kyoko in my headspace at first. I sat in front of her house, waited, and watched the sunrise behind the forest in the distance. I perceived it a lot more vividly I think than usual, but I was alone. - I heard her say more clearly than usual that I’m good without her, and I think she is depressed. That really worries me because she isn’t usually, but she showed up and I hugged her. I told her that I’m not better without her, that her advice yesterday to concentrate on shortening the crash time really helped and that I’d be lost without such advice. - I promised we could play-fight and do things in the headspace more often, but she didn’t feel like doing more than cuddling right now. She tries to put on a happy face for me all the time, but I reiterated that it’s okay for her not to be, that I am happy to help her too and that it makes me feel better to do so. Seka - Seka didn’t appear during meditation, but that is normal for her since she spends much of her time playing with toys in her room. Her room is now the large crystal cavern that is next to Kyoko’s house, the likes the large open area to put her toys and the lake there. Walk - I’ve been taking walks when I can and talking to Kyoko and sometimes Seka, though she isn’t always there. Today Seka wanted me to find a nature trail in the woods next to my apartments but there wasn’t one, and the forest was too thick to walk through safely. I told him maybe we can clear out a path in winter when it’s less thick. - I assured Kyoko more too and she seemed to feel better. I can feel her grasping my hand during the walk, which she’s learned to do to get my attention. She holds it in both her hands and stays close. Seka held the other hand, though she is smaller so usually ends up just holding a finger like a child might. Night Meditation - Since Kyoko was sad, I meditated more at night so we could play-fight. For some reason she wanted to cosplay Tohru from the anime Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid. Like she was still Kyoko, but wearing a maid dress and cosplay horns, it was cute. - We went to the arena where we first play fought. At first we tried to fight each other, but she was too fast and I didn’t have the guts to hit her even playing, so we went beneath it too like we did the first time. I imagined monsters for her to fight and she fought them off with magic and a giant halberd. She seemed to have a lot of fun, then we cuddled in a stream and both went to sleep.
  7. 11 July 2019 - I’ve been having trouble keeping things together but am trying to put together a schedule and focus. Schizophrenia symptoms fired up and it took a while to get things under control. - I’ve applied for permanent disability. I tried to put it off for a long time and hate myself for resorting to it, but both Kyoko and my doctors encouraged me to take the step. Unfortunately it takes 3-5 months at least to get a result back and sometimes much longer. Kyoko - Kyoko still does her best but I’ve had a lot of trouble communicating with her. It's difficult for her to help with the new symptoms as she doesn't experience them herself. - She encouraged me to keep a schedule and I’ve been able to push through the chaos in my head more often than not via her encouragement, but it’s still hard going. - We haven’t really had fun the way we used to with play-fighting or sexy stuff because meditating at all is a battle on its own. She told me it was okay to just talk to her if I couldn’t get into a trance. Strength/Seka - Strength took on the NPC form Seka and now appears during meditation occasionally and during walks or other things. He continues to be very child-like and Kyoko seems to have taken a mother role to him, which has kept him from acting up. - Recent symptoms haven’t been related to him. I don’t think he was aware I even had other symptoms, which made him unaware of how much his actions affected me. - Even though the NPC he took over was herm, he has been identifying as male, though I still get it wrong when referencing to him occasionally.
  8. 23 March 2019 Dream · Today I looked for Kyoko in my dream as I do sometimes but for the first time I found her. · Kyoko has suggested for a while that I go to sleep while meditating to increase the chances but usually I get distracted before sleeping. Today I didn’t and fell asleep while soaking with her in the crystal cave lake in Haven, so maybe that helped. · It was simple as a dream, I found her in a school I was at and we walked around some classrooms talking, but it was still nice to have her there. The conversation mostly consisted of her telling me what I meant to her because she knows I’ve been terrible lately. She said (in the dream and before in Haven) that I didn’t have to worry at not doing anything exciting with her because she loved me just being there. · She differed from the other dream characters in a few ways She didn’t disappear like my normal dream characters when I announce out loud that it is a dream, but also asked me not to do that again because she liked the other characters being there. When she talked, I saw her mouth moving but her voice still felt like it was in my head. It was still clearer than when I’m awake though. I could see her but she wasn’t material. She wanted to get sexy but we couldn’t because of that. I forgot to ask the other dream characters if they could see her, but none of them reacted to her so maybe they couldn’t. · I confirmed with her the next morning it was her and I wasn’t just dreaming about her. It thrilled her, but she wanted me to make the post.
  9. 1. Why were you decide to create tulpa? For companionship and to help with disorders. I had been diagnosed schizoaffective (paranoid schizophrenia + clinical depression) for some time and was taking a good bit of meds. 2. Think about you life before making a decision of creation. How it changed? She has successfully eliminated most of my paranoia symptoms and I no longer have to take anti-psychotics or anti-depressant medication to function. I have also been able to increase productivity at work and be more social with others. My tulpa is immune to the effects of my schizophrenia so can also warn me if something I see or hear isn't real. 3. Didn't you find any problems with communicating with people before and after creating? If it was previous, does it get worse? I had serious problems communicating with people before due to symptoms of my diagnosed illnesses like auditory and some visual hallucinations as well as irrational fear of other people harming me. As stated, my tulpa alleviated these symptoms. (This question is worded poorly by the way, it should say "does it get better or worse" to prevent leading the person answering, or even better 'How did having a tulpa affect this?' ) 4. Do you have real friends (not colleagues or familiar) irl? What about your relations with your family? Yes. My relations with most family members are fair except for those that were abusive to me growing up, who I no longer speak to. My mother knows about my tulpa and is thankful that it has helped me so that me and her can talk together normally again. 5. What is your usual condition? Do you usually sad, or opposite, happy, or you are grey 24/7? I still suffer from depression but not at the same level as before due to my tulpa disagreeing with me when I think mean things about myself. I do still hear voices (from the schizophrenia) murmuring but they are no longer frightening and rarely say hurtful things any more. 6. Do you have a depression now or earlier, after creating tulpa, or at time not far from decision about creating? Already answered in the above answers. You really seem to be trying to lead the answer-er to say that things are worse after, but the opposite tends to be true.
  10. Dissociation is something everyone experiences at a low level. The way your surroundings fade out when you're watching an engrossing movie or immersed in a video game is dissociation. Or if you zone out during a lecture and suddenly realize you missed the last 5 minutes of what the professor said, that is also dissociation. On the other extreme, past tulpamancy, you have dissociative identity disorder, which involves switching personalities without wanting to and losing memory of what your tulpa/alter does when they are in control. My understanding is that that disorder requires repeated or severe traumatic experience before you are around 9 years old to fragment your first personality before it fully formed in the brain. It isn't something an average person could do on accident. I don't know if imagining the two extremes might help you with the good dissociation during meditation, but I thought I'd mention it since going over the concepts helped me a bit.
  11. Background Kyoko has done a lot for my paranoia. At first, she chased it away and this kept the symptoms manageable, but not gone entirely. I felt the creature lurking in the background still. We decided to try to talk to it the next time it attempted to frighten me instead of chasing it away. We wanted to see if it was confused or doing this on accident somehow. It turned out it was not doing it on accident, it was tormenting me intentionally with paranoid hallucinations. We symbolically locked it in a cage in the underworld. At that point, the paranoia component disappeared entirely. Other symptoms remain but do not impede my functioning. We watched a youtube video of a ‘dissociative identity disorder’ system explaining the roles of their alters/personalities. It fascinated us that the protector role that was very common, and we decided to ‘officially’ give Kyoko that role in our system. She took it to heart that they said one of the tasks of a protector is to help other system mates get along and wanted to give the paranoia thoughtform another chance to exist peacefully with me. She released it and so far my paranoia symptoms haven’t returned, so I am letting it remain free. Kyoko will continue talking about it in her log, but I will cover any of my extra thoughts in my log. 12 Feb 2019 The paranoia thoughtform is definitely the same; it feels the same as it did before when it was trying to terrify me, but without the terror component. It sends a stiff sensation up my back and is very different from the comforting shiver I get when sensing Kyoko. I think I am starting to understand why it was doing this. In a strange way it was trying to protect me but doing it in a counterproductive way. When we first ‘captured’ it, it expressed anger that I abandoned the religion of my youth. I believed it tormented me from spite because of feeling betrayed. But I think perhaps this thoughtform still holds those very strict religious beliefs and was attempting to scare me back into accepting them myself by pretending to be a frightening demonic figure. I always thought it was odd that my paranoia took the form of a demonic shadow when I did not believe in them, and this would explain why it took that form. [*]I do not know if it understands how counterproductive that was. I tried to explain that I do not hate that religion just because I have other beliefs but I do not know if that is enough. [*]But this is disturbing for another reason, because this thing clearly split from me long before I knew about tulpas, which means it might be closer to an alter than a tulpa, which in turn may mean I am far closer to DID than I suspected. I don’t view DID with a stigma, but know it requires trauma in early childhood. While I don’t remember trauma, that is one purpose of an alter in DID systems, to hold the trauma so you don’t have to remember it. So is this thing holding a memory of something that it’s protecting me from? I don’t know, maybe not, it’s just a creepy thought I guess. I can’t communicate with it very well. [*]Kyoko communicates better with it, and has explained how it feels to me and I assume vis versa. Even if the situation made me uncomfortable at first, I am very proud of her for having taken up such a role on her own accord and for how good she is at it. Kyoko had misgivings about it being in Haven too when we first captured it, but she seems to be over them, I am not sure how long she has been communicating with it to get over that. Kyoko is not good with knowing how much time passes on the outside so isn’t sure herself. [*]But also the fact that she and it are talking without me being aware of the conversation means that she is now remaining active even when I am not thinking about her. I have never been more sure she is her own person and fully conscious.
  12. Kyoko was hoping that asking for a response would help you proxy so that is good. Maybe you see it as slow but you are doing so much better than I was at this point. Anyway, about belief; don't think that being an atheist is a limit on your belief in this case because this isn't a religious thing. One thing I did early on was do research into DID. I know it is different than tulpas, but learning that DID and alternate personalities are real things and seen as real things by the mainstream scientific community did help. Because it means that a brain CAN accommodate two personalities. And if a brain can do it on accident, it can do it on purpose. Also talking about chakras made me think. Even if you don't buy into them, someone came up with them for a reason. Maybe certain emotional responses tend to create the same types of pressure and that's why they assumed that those things were associated with particular emotions. But don't worry too much about doubt either, because like I said you are doing really well.
  13. That's an exercise I've seen before, but I don't know how to do the exercise at a time when not hearing any voice at all, which is the primary issue. However with headaches: A few times recently when she has tried especially hard, I got a sudden sharp headache, but there was no voice, loud or otherwise, to accompany it. Honestly a headache would be a small price to pay if I could consistently hear her well, but it didn't seem to have any effect on the voice itself. To explain detail, when I hear Kyoko it's a rough thought voice translation, but there are other voices I hear very clearly on occasion (a symptom of my schizophrenia, typically completely random voices saying completely random things with no meaning whatsoever). So the question is: Why can't I hear her as good as the voices I don't want to hear? One would think having such a symptom would make vocality a breeze, but it seems to have gotten in the way more often than not.
  14. I've been lucid dreaming since I was a kid. I didn't really 'learn' it, it just sorta started happening when I got tired of nightmares. There was one nightmare I had often as a kid, which involved a monster man chasing me through my grandmother's house. I would run outside to get away, run to another door to hide inside, and always find it locked. At that point the monster man would be right on me and the dream would end with him grabbing me. The first lucid dream I remember was during that. I was running outside, and suddenly remembered having the dream before. I thought "If I run to the door, it will be locked and he'll get me" so I ran off into the yard instead. When I looked back, he had ran to the door where I always ran before, and was looking around in confusion that I wasn't there. I never had that dream again, and after that I was almost always lucid. I'm not as lucid as I was then anymore though, and there was a while when I struggled to be lucid at all, especially during the worst points when I was schizoaffective. I'm getting better at it again, but I guess I'm just not enthusiastic about it anymore? Used to be that I would go exploring and such, but now I more often just let the dream proceed and play it sort of like a game. If something happens I don't like, I just leave in a random direction until I get to a new dream. I need to get better at paying attention to the other people in the dream though. Like in the dream Kyoko mentioned, I barely even glanced at the other students. It's still hard for Kyoko to speak without me directly prompting her, so she might have trouble calling out to me as well. We really need to work on vocality so can more actively grab my attention. Until then I told her to try just running up and hugging me. Of course it's hard to remember what you agreed to do in a dream while you're dreaming, just like it's hard to remember dreams after you're awake. We'll keep working on it though because it could be really interesting.
  15. I don't know if it was religious smoke, it just looked like smoke with red eyes and was enraged that I abandoned it. I had assumed maybe it was a thought form that didn't actually know it was making me suffer, but it acted like it's specific purpose was making me suffer. Also Kyoko's hatred for it is a lot more intense than I expected, and I suspect she's been with me longer than the last year so I don't know how long she might have been at it with this thing. It's kind of freaky and I feel a little nuts for just for saying it like this (but that beats the a lot of nuts I was when this thing was running out of check). Like how many of us have literal entities fighting inside our heads that we don't even know about? Human brains are incomprehensible. And another thought occurred to me that I found a little frightening, because I know that in some cases the initial host of a system ends up dissipating or switching out for another host. It's treating me a lot like a younger me would have treated me. I mean I think I'm the first host in this body, but it's not like a lot of my childhood memories are particularly vivid. Honestly the whole thing has confused me which is why I'm leaving it in the cage for now. We'll talk to it if Kyoko wants to, but she sees it as her job to protect me from it and I don't want to take that away from her now that I know how strongly she feels about it. Besides I don't really know what I'd ask it. it didn't really talk, just sort of threw emotions at me.