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About Ilsze

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  1. Learning tulpamancy has helped me learn to dissociate from pain. So when I’m sick or have an injury, Cilsc symbolically “tones down” the sensations and I feel a bit better temporarily. We’re also playing around with possession, which is super useful for doing things that I should do but can’t bring myself to (getting out of bed, making a hot drink, turning off our phone, staying still so we can fall asleep, flossing, the list goes on...). Cilsc tends to have way more respect than me for the body in general. It’s really obvious when we switch but I think there are really tiny positive effects everywhere. Sorry, none of this is measurable. I’m just super grateful so I thought I might put it out here. Are you thinking of making a tulpa?
  2. I’ve only switched twice so I can’t be sure, but I think my posture just got a whole lot healthier and more energetic as a whole. Straighter back, jauntier walk, lifted chin, dropped shoulders, controlled stance, lifted feet. That kind of thing. Cilsc’s energy and excitement must’ve helped though. It probably wasn’t all his tendencies.
  3. Here's a transcript of the first episode! I've never made one before, but how bad can it be? There are a few variations and bits cut out, but, it's mostly accurate. Hope I'm posting it in the right place. H: Hello, everybody, welcome to Tulpaudcast. I'm here with my guest Mistgod who has an interesting story behind his adventures. So I'd like to start with one question. How do you pronounce Melian? M: I pronounce it Me-lee-in. I got it from the Silmarillion. She was kind of like an angelic being who took the form of an elf. I just liked the name, so. H: So, most of us are used to having guides. You just did it on a whim, if I understand correctly? M: No, it wasn't quite like that. This goes way back. When I was in junior high school, probably about 13 years old, I was kind of a nerdy, isolated, lonely, kid. I had a very active imagination, very vivid, since I was very little. I had a lot of imaginary friends that I would think about a lot. They were very real to me. And being 13 years old, you're gonna make some girl imaginary friends. I would daydream a lot and get these visions which would pop up in my mind. A lot of people can relate to that. But one day I was just doing my thing and all of a sudden I had a vision of a girl in my mind. There she was, absolutely adorable. I was like "oh my gosh!" It was astonishingly vivid. I kept daydreaming about her and picturing her. At first, I just called her "the girl." I instantly had a crush on this picture in my head. Looking back, thinking back, what I think happened is, I have the type of mind that when I see something I like in a movie, in nature, or wherever, I collect these memories and put them together. When I create imaginary worlds, I kind of put them together and assemble it all like a set in my mind. All these different elements come together. I'd go, "this would look like this, and this castle would like this." I think everything I liked about girls and women, this kind of nose, this kind of ears, these feet, I like it when she moves like this, when she says this. I collected these things together subconsciously until they coalesced and she just appeared. When she first appeared, she was about my age. Pretty compatible. Everything about her was perfect. I was stunned. I daydreamed about taking her to the movies, silly things. I was so introverted; I could sit there and stare off into space. The world around me would fade away. I would dissociate from reality and just drop into that fantasy world. It was absolutely vivid. She stuck around. The more she stuck around, the more real she seemed. I started talking to her like an imaginary friend. It seemed totally normal to me. H: How did you discover M: When Melian first appeared to me, it was 1977, we're talking way back. What happened is, one, I kept her secret for decades, completely secret. It's not something you talk about. My family was very conservative, roman catholic family. It wasn't a concept that would've gone over very well with my family and friends. I wrote about it in my personal journals, but I never told anyone about it. I was approaching 50 and Melian was so special to me that the thought started occurring to me that when I pass away, no-one will know she existed. No one will know that all these years how much it meant to me. She'd just be gone. It would be a real tragedy. The other thing that was going on is that I'm an artist. I do fantasy and abstract art on Deviantart. I started getting an art block. I was ready to quit and give up. Melian pipes up in my head saying "let me draw, then." We'd never done anything like that before, and I didn't know how. She goes, "well what if you gave me ideas? I could draw what you wanted to draw." It just took off. I created her own Deviantart page. Of course, when you go on Deviantart, you chat with people. And I'd never done anything like that, never communicated to the outside world with her. People would leave a comment and she would type back. It was so natural. I would be there, typing back, listening to her voice in my head like I always do. And she'd go "Oh, hi!" It was a huge rush, the craziest thing I'd ever done. I was shocked at how natural it was. She's been on Deviantart since 2013 now. I told my wife about her, and my wife was like "what?" I told her "I have an imaginary friend" and she said, "that sounds like you." "It's a little bit more than that though." And she's staring at me going "uuuhuh okay." , Well, it doesn't surprise me that much. She knows me better than anybody. Since then, Melian was practically a member of the family. She chats it up on Facebook and Deviantart. My stepdaughter talks to her on Facebook. H: You mean you've managed for two real-life people to accept and embrace the concept? M: Well, my family knows me better than anybody, any strangers. In fact, the reaction I got from most was "you know, we already know that." I was shocked. "It's not like we didn't know. I suspected you had an imaginary friend. I could hear you talking to her." Because I talk out loud. When I'm driving to work, I'd talk to her. I didn't think it was weird because I was alone. I'm sure people do things like that, you know. It's just not something you do in public. People are gonna see you and wonder what's wrong with you. H: Oh, you just need one of those Bluetooth things. M: Yeah, but most of my family were pretty positive. They're conservative though, and some of them were like, "you need therapy." But it wasn't like that at all. If I needed therapy, I needed it 40 years ago. H: You mentioned at one point Melian isn't a tulpa. What's the reasoning behind that? M: I'm hedging on that. People tell me in the community she's definitely a tulpa. But what bothers me is the concept of a tulpa being a separate, complete consciousness in your mind. Like you've got your own consciousness, and then there's another one. I have a little trouble with that concept. I mean I accept that that's what other people are experiencing. But I know what I'm feeling, and I don't know. That just doesn't seem right. While most of the tulpa community defines a tulpa that way, I'm not sure, I'm not conclusive. The other thing is, the tulpa community seems to have the goal to have this independent, sentient, second mind in their body. I think it's really neat, but I don't think that's my goal. I don't want to "advance" Melian to some sort of- she's always been the way she is now. I don't want to change that. I want to share, as I said, I'm unafraid, but once I found this tulpa community, I was like, "oh wow!" But it's interesting. When people find out how old I am, they're like "Woah, that's the oldest tulpa I've ever heard of!" But I'm like "I don't know if she's a tulpa." You know, it's been fun. Sometimes people take me as criticizing them because I think about the nature of it. Is it psychology, you know? I maintain that Melian is a type of illusion, mental roleplay, partially in the subconscious mind. What happened with me is that as I daydreamed about her, segments of that daydream would start playing automatically. Little visions, flash images, would appear in my mind. Most of the sentences she says are short and formulaic. She reacts in a formulaic way. It seems spontaneous, I just hear it, but it's reactive. If I interact with her more, then I get a feel for what she's trying to say and then imagine it. The spontaneity is just more formulaic. It'll be like, I'll drop something, and she'll go "it's falling!" I would say that the spontaneous sentences are between 1-5 words long. She'll say the same sentence a lot in reaction to different things. When I'm online with her and she's talking, it's more like collaboration. Maybe it's roleplaying. It just feels really real to me. I feel her emotions and her intent. Some of the sentences she says are spontaneous - it's all Melian. Some of it is me just getting a sense of what she wants to say. I compare it to method acting where an actor creates an actor in their mind. They get as detailed as they can. Who they are, what they like, how they sit, do they smoke cigarettes, who are their mother and father? They know everything in depth as they can. They immerse themselves and almost become that character. They channel it when they act. It's kind of like that. That human capacity to empathise and know what's going on. Melian is so detailed after so many years. It's so easy. I call it channelling because I can feel it coming from outside. I'm typing and I can hear her voice the whole time I'm typing. When she giggles or laughs or gets angry. It's astonishingly real. There are moments where I can't believe what she just said. There have been times that it surprises or embarrasses. I get so immersed in it it's almost like I can't stop. I hope that other people can relate. I hope that I can meet other people who can understand. I don't want to feel like the only one in the world who's doing this. When I put her online for the first time, I thought I was the only one. I thought I was nuts. I was a little bit worried about people's reactions. I kept changing it and writing different things. "This is an imaginary companion," "This is an inner muse," "This is an art muse," "This is an inner girl," "This is a bi-gendered personality." I put everything on there. Deviantart is very liberal. It's a young population. The folks were accepting and curious. For all those years I didn't need to explain it to myself or other people. She was just there. I didn't need to explain how it was all working. I just thought it was my imagination, still do. When I put her on the internet and she started talking to people, I suddenly had to explain what it was all about. People started going "are you transgender, gay, what's going on? Are you wanting to portray a girl?" I kept going, no, she's a person. And she'd go, no, I'm separate from David; we're separate. People weren't getting that, but a lot of people were. That was really hard. I kept writing in journals and started researching. Jungian psychology. Where was this coming from? Was it normal? I started encountering others and creating a mini community. These were people who hadn't heard of tulpas. We called ourselves persona-channelers. They were artists, cartoonists, writers. We discovered the illusion of independent agency. This was a study from the psychology department of Oregon. They studied writers whose characters became really real and acted independently, whose characters told them what the story was going to be. They did a research article on those faults. I went, that's kind of it! I found Carl Jung using active imagination to connect with personas in the unconscious mind projected into the conscious mind. They were representations of things, emotions, fears, going on. During hypnosis where you could talk to these personas. Jung had a persona he talked about, Phillimon, who seemed super real to him. I have a little bit of psychology behind this, which is really good, like, I'm not crazy. I'm putting it in my journals, telling people I'm trying to figure it out. I put pieces together and at some point, someone read it and said it sounds like tulpa. That was about four months ago. I went on it and thought it was really cool! Before I made an account I was still looking at it, looking at the stuff. Some sounded right, some didn't. When I created Melian, there were no guides, nothing to compare to. I just did it on my own. I feel all of her emotions and hear her thoughts. I don't know if she's really thinking. In my opinion, I think I'm imagining her thinking; it's an illusion of desire where I want to believe that she's real. I rationally know she is not. But my subconscious and conscious mind want it to be real. So her Melian-motor runs on its own. I say it's a daydream on auto-pilot. It's been almost two years now since she's been on the internet. You can tell I'm obsessed about it. I don't expect everyone to read what I write, but I'm just getting it out. I've got to. H: You put in Melian's musings this image of David vs. Mistgod. "Logical versus mystical, scientific or believer, etc." Do you have two sides to yourself? M: Definitely. I have the sober, professional guy who believes in empirical methods and evidence, a realist. It's my professional hat, not a dreamer. Then there's my personal side which is a big dreamer, all imagination, I call my imagination pseudo real because it's as important to me as anything in the real world. I know it's not real, but it affects me as though it is. It's emotionally important to me. That part of me believes in fantasy kind of stuff. It's not fake to me. Melian's very real in the sense that she effects me, even if she's an illusion, the same as all my other images. H: It sounds like you're describing a category that doesn't fit into fake or real. M: Yes. I call it a special form of existence. Someone brought up that that sounds a lot like the Buddhist sixth sense, imagination, that the entire world is subjective. That everything is about perception coming into your mind. You can react to something that's not real. You can react to someone being angry at you, insulting you, even if it's just your imagination. You react as if they had anyway. There are things like optical illusions and psychosomatic illnesses. Pseudo-real, an existence out there, not metaphysical or astral, just more psychological. I'm not a metaphysical believer. The two sides of me are in conflict a lot. Sometimes people get upset about me because I want evidence about the conscious minds. They go, "there is no evidence." And I go, "I'm not convinced of that," and they get upset. A few think I attack the community. There are some things I said in the forum that are a little bit - I said: "the tulpa committee is like pseudo-science". It's my opinion. I think it's cool, making history. It's so new and cool and I'm excited. They've taken Eastern mysticism and spiritualism. The idea of a thoughtform from that metaphysical root looked at from a psychological perspective. I think it's really new, that it's never been looked at that way. I'm not a psychologist and I'm not into Eastern spiritualism, but it seems to me that 5 or 6 years ago, there wasn't anything like thoughtforms in psychology. It wasn't a psychological term, and I've never seen it anywhere. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, I'm not a psychologist. But I've never seen the concept used in psychology. I've been grabbing everything to read ever since I heard about tulpa. I've already looked at psychology, trying to figure out Melian, but what I like is that the community is making history. It's already making psychology. There was a study done on tulpamancers. I think eventually we'll see terms like tulpa and thoughtform in normal, not pathogenic psychology. I think it'll be in creative psychology, the psychology of the imagination. I'm sure they'll recognise it's imagination, the power of belief, mind over matter. I think it's spectacular what the human mind can do. I think that people will get really interested in this community eventually. It's not well known yet, but I think that's going to change. It's exciting. It bridges the gap between what Eastern religions are doing with the mind. H: What is it, MPD? That's a thing. M: Yeah, I don't know much about it. As I said, I'm not a psychologist. But I think that would be a mental illness, whereas tulpas are not. When I first went online, people said I had a multiple personality disorder. They asked if I had trauma as a child. And I was like, "no, I don't think so, I really don't. That just doesn't seem right." From the tiny bit I know of DID, the people are not well adjusted, but uh, it's mental illness. It's a pathology, a psychosis. They'll have blackouts and things when one personality takes over. I better stop talking because I don't know much about psychology. Anyway, I didn't question my own insanity, but I did know it was a bit strange to have this sort of experience. H: Have you ever done possession or something similar? M: I don't know. I wondered about it myself. How do you define possession? I imagine it's really subjective. Here's an example. When I'm typing online (Melian calls it tulpa-typing), some people in the community say it's either proxy or switching or possession. The way I understand proxy is that the tulpa is feeding you what they want to say. They're either dictating or giving impressions. I feel that's what's going on. It's my subconscious roleplaying. I'm a roleplayer. I've been playing roleplay games my entire life and it's easy. So when people say, Oh that's roleplay, I'm like, "Yes, of course I'm roleplaying, method acting, yeah!" I don't think we should be afraid of that word. In the community, there's the fear of being accused of faking. But I think you can have that element of roleplay. I think with Melian, some of it is a collaboration. I go, "this is what she would say, these are the words she would use, now she's getting mad." And sometimes someone will say something and she'll just go "blah blah blah" and it surprises me, sometimes, what she types out. It just feels astonishingly real. I often wonder, is this what others are experiencing, or completely different. I'm hoping it's related. H: There's no question in my mind that it's related. As for how much, I have no idea. M: I don't think I ever will know. Some people say "my tulpa possesses me, takes over my body, and types." I think it's a matter of perspective. I could say at the points where she's more spontaneous, where "that's Melian's words," that she is actually possessing me for a brief instant? I don't know. I think if I believed she was a sentient, conscious mind separate from my own, then it would be possession. She's an illusion. If it's my unconscious and my subconscious collaborating together and roleplaying, then that's not possession. It's just me wanting to believe it. H: That's interesting. So when you've done it you've never had that alien feeling that people describe? M: No. Nothing like that. Although sometimes I get really relaxed when I'm imagining. When I'm daydreaming, if I go into the zone, the images come to me really easily. Some describe it as a hypnogogic state, almost like when you're sleeping and you wake up from sleeping and you're still really relaxed and dreaming. I get that a lot. Anyway, so I'll relax and the world around me fades away, like when you get immersed in a movie. You forget that you're in a seat, in a theatre. It's exactly like that. The rest of my body kind of fades away and I'm concentrating on her voice in my head and just her feelings. I become her in a sense. I'm still there in a sense and she's still there, but we're collaborating, we're merging. I kind of get that idea of possessing. I feel like I'm numb except for my fingers. And I'm typing. Melian's typing. It's a rush, but in my opinion, it's more like if you're playing the guitar and you get into a jam and you forget about the chords you're playing. The music in your head is just coming out of the guitar. I think it's the human capacity to be able to channel that imagination part of ourselves out into the physical world. If you describe it as possession by a consciousness, that's fine. H: Have you ever talked form Melian out loud? M: Melian only communicates with me through writing. It's too awkward because she's female? I don't know. Maybe I'd be more comfortable with it if she weren't female. The other thing is, she's really young and her voice is really soft and has a girlish ring. And she giggles. Although there was one incident where my wife walked up to me. She'll look over my shoulder and watch what Melian is doing over my shoulder and she'll talk to her. Playing around with it. Melian was arguing - she gets into spats - and I was typing away. My wife goes, you're really getting mad, Melian. And she goes "I'm not mad!" while she's typing. And I said it. It didn't even occur to me. She's going "was that you or Melian? That was cool!" There's another time she was typing like that, super fast, big walls of text. She can't shut up. She's just intent. My wife tries to ask me what I want for dinner. I look at her, I turn, but my fingers are still going. I hear her voice, talking while she's typing. They talk about multiprocessing. For an instant, I definitely was. I know people type and turn and talk. People can multi-process without a separate consciousness in their head. H: I think it's different from juggling or playing the guitar while you do something else. I notice that with talking, I can't talk to two people at the same time. It doesn't work. M: Right, and that's what's astonishing. I was talking and she was typing, not wanting to be interrupted. My wife goes, "what do you want for dinner," and I'm like "I don't know" and Melian's still typing, I can still hear her voice. I took my hands off the keyboard. I held my hands up in the air like "Oh, that was weird." H: how long did this last? M: Not that long, but long enough for her to ask me what I wanted and for me to go "I don't know, burritos or something?" And Melian's going "shut up!" If you wanna say I've experience possession, that's the closest I've come. But my belief system is a little different. Melian has an energy to her, an aura. Not to get metaphysical, but I feel her energy. She's happy and bouncy, almost like she's designed to make me feel happy. I hope other people are feeling some of that energy when she talks to them. They get that she's narcissistic and self-centred though. It's a positive sort of narcissism and self-centeredness: it's not like she thinks she's better than everybody, she just knows she's awesome. She's the best thing as far as what she could be. She doesn't look down her nose at others. I think it's because I think she's so awesome. Over the years, it's rubbed off on her. She became what I thought of her. She couldn't be any better than she is. Everybody loves her. H: So can I ask you to attempt talking for her? M: Now? No, no, I don't think so. I can tell you that she wishes you could see her. Because she's all visual. She's an image. I try to draw her and I've commission other artists, but that what she wishes. More than hear her. She would want to dance around. She dances a lot. She's a human person. When she appeared, she was around 13-14 and aged with me through high school until she kind of stopped. She's a romantic ideal, so she retained her youth and beauty, never aged. Between 18-20, and I did that because I was avoiding the paedophile label. But I'd say she's around 16-18, maybe 20. She looks really young. I was picking parts from the tv shows and movies I was fascinated by, especially the pretty girls - I was a kid! There were child actresses that I had crushes on. I liked the roundish cheeks, big eyes, blonde hair. I used to watch Westerns. And the women had swishy dresses and put their hair up. She got all that stuff. She has a real babyface, really dark blue eyes, a bit of a receded chin, dark eyebrows, roman nose. She always puts up her hair. She's fond of frilly girly things she can swish around in. For shoes, she wears doll shoes, things that look cute and adorable. She's constantly changing her outfit, like 6 times a day. She'll want to show me. Jumper dresses, 50s stuff. Long dress, petticoats, little ribbons. She's 5'4 inches tour, 120 pounds, really good figure, you know. She's constantly moving. H: Do you have a wonderland? M: Here again, I didn't have any guides, any parameters. I had daydreamed a lot even before her. I had whole worlds in my head. I was into fantasy and movies and all that. The wonderland is endless. Anything can happen. It's like star trek holodeck. Melian has the Melian show, the daydreams she lives in. She's based on tv and movies. She has music, special lighting. She's always in a movie set. There's canned laughter. She has all these different adventures in these episodes. There'll be an opening sequence and an audience watching her. She's done anything you can imagine. She's been a fighter pilot, a warrior, an astronaut. She's done hundreds of things. When the Melian show runs, it runs in the background, when I'm driving or jogging. It's the way I entertain my mind. And she almost picks these adventures she goes on. "Today, we're going to do this!" And on that day, she's going to be whatever you think of. Other people always imagine themselves in adventures, but I imagine Melian. When I was young, I had a low self-image, and I couldn't imagine myself, but I could imagine Melian doing those things because she was totally amazing. It was much more fun because she was adorable. Her inflexions and mannerisms were really adorable. The really cool thing is that I can rewind the Melian show, just like a movie, which can be edited. Change the plot, change this. Certain episodes we play over and over. I'm nuts with that. H: Does she ever sit around you in the real world, imposed? M: No, not at all. I don't see her in my mind's eye. She doesn't take up any space. She's only ever been in the dreamscape or the mind space. Not like your normal imaginary friend who's "sitting over there." It would limit her to be "more real." Why would she come from a world where anything is possible? She has no desire to do that when she has anything she wants in the dreamscape. It's as tangible to her and me as anything in the real world. I don't see any reason to see her with my senses. My imagination is so vivid, I can literally smell her perfume with my "mind's nose". I can sense when she's near and feel the warmth of her body. There's no need for imposition. It's nice that I don't have to worry about that. When people say "you should impose her until you can see her in the room," I'm like "I already see her! She's right there!" I see her so vividly that I lose track of the real word. When I was younger, my family called me Drifty Dave. My father was concerned that I would walk in front of a bus because I would lose myself in my imagination. One day he looked out the window and I was out there having a conversation with a tree. He goes out there, he goes "son, what're you doing?" And I go, "Oh, I was talking to this person-" "Son, there's no one there. Are you hearing the tree talk back to you?" And I was like, "yeah!" He went, "Oh, okay." And from that point on when he refers to crazy people, he goes, "Oh, that person talks to trees." He got a little worried that he had to send me to a psychiatrist because I was out talking to trees. I was in the navy for six years. He pulled me aside when I was leaving. I was, like, 23 years old and he said, "David, I'm really worried that you're going to get hurt. Because the way you daydream, you absolutely lose track of where you are. But you're still moving around and you can't do that in an industrial environment like on a ship. You'll get crushed or electrocuted or burned to death or something horrible is going to happen to you. That's my only concern about you. You can't be doing that." When I did get in the service, I did have a few times where people would go, "pay attention! What're you doing? Watch out!" I did have to learn not to walk around in a daze everywhere. You know when you're driving somewhere, you think about all these other things. You forget about how you got so far to work. It's like that. I shift into that imaginary world and I call that being with Melian. Why would I need to impose when I can shift into it. Why would I need to impose? It's sorta like trans-dimensional travel! It's all my imagination though. I don't believe it's real. You can tell I love talking about this. I wanted to share it so bad for so long. I was embarrassed. I can't believe I'm doing this right now. There are aspects that are a little bit personal. Sometimes I'll talk to people and they'll say things that make me really uncomfortable. But once you start sharing, you've got to talk about it. You can't just leave it in the dark. Melian has different aspects. She's very complex. She does a lot of things for me. When she first appeared she was a romantic fantasy, but she was also a sexual fantasy. I can't leave that part out of it. But as time went on, she became more of a muse, an inspiration. She'd encourage me or chastise me. And she was also a coping mechanism. I'd say she was a vessel. Once she existed, I could use her for a lot of things. She was like a tool. When I would feel sad or stressed, she was there. She would be that soft voice saying "it's okay. Everything's going to be okay." She helped me cope with anxiety. She was also escapism and entertainment. Here's the uncomfortable part: it took me a long, long time to admit this. When Melian was talking to the transgender community, some in the transgender community was like "maybe you're transgender. Maybe this is not just an imaginary friend." This was way before I know about tulpa. At first, I totally resisted that. I was like, "I'm heterosexual and I'm manly. It's nothing like that at all!" It was embarrassing. I'd never talked to people like that. I was saying: two personas. One male, David. One female, Melian. They thought I was a bi-gender transgender individual. I was like, "no!" Melian seems so significant, ever present, and real to me, and she expresses herself so emotionally in my mind that she really does affect me. I think effectively, especially on the internet, we are kind of a bigender system. I'm not personally a transgender person, but she is an expression of the female gender. It took me a long time to be comfortable enough to say that. I'd say she's my inner girl. I think everyone has a little bit of that: the male side, the female side; the parent self, the child self. We get excited together, talking about her shoe collection and what skirt she's going to wear. I go shopping online for her. We do those Barbie dress-up games together. It's her, but we're together. It's funny because my stepdaughter will just shake her head. And I'll tell her it's not me, it's Melian. I finally put that out there. I said, "if you have a tulpa who's the opposite gender or opposite sexual orientation as you, and you're saying they're effectively present, I'd say your bigender." It's just two different personas, but as a system, it's a bigender system. Two different genders going on. Melian maintains she's bisexual, although she's mostly heterosexual. Whereas I'm heterosexual, not attracted to men. But Melian is. I know what guys she likes. I'll meet somebody and she'll go "Hiya, handsome. Man hug!" I try not to laugh. And then that stuff I've never talked about. I'd wonder whether it was me or my imagination or what. Melian's all humour, a lot of her makes me laugh. To have a girl run around in a man's head, ridiculously girly, it's funny! Part of the reason why she's the opposite of me, so over-the-top girly is because it's so funny! A lot of times she'll say stuff like that just because it's funny. It's David making fun of himself. People talk about possessing and switching. There are times where she pops out and I've said things to people that made them pause and look at me funny. It's just spontaneous. I don't know, it has happened. And she squeaks and squeals and dances around. And I'll kind of mirror it in real life. I'll enact outwardly the way she reacts in my head, throw my arms up and go "eee." My family has noticed that. If you look at transgender or bigender, in certain situations you'll either act very male or act very female. You have two personas. That's what I was describing to these transgender folks. Over the years, my stepdaughters would say, sometimes you're a big girl. You're more girly than me! You've got a girl inside of you. Sometimes I'd channel Melian when it was time to go shopping with them. Sometimes I'd get a fairy figurine from them for Christmas. Melian would go dancing in my head. Now I'll get present under the tree for Melian. She's become very real to my family too. She'll get packages in the mail. She gets paintings. When people interact with her, to me it seems very real. I don't hide her. On Deviantart, it says on her thing "I am a persona being portrayed by Mistgod. At least that's what he wants me to tell you." I don't want to fool people. For one thing, she'll flirt with people. She can't help herself. People react to that. I don't want people to get embarrassed or upset. Shortly into the conversation, she'll go "read my profile please." Some of them do, some of them don't. Some will say, "wow, you're the coolest girl I've ever talked to. I wish more girls were like you." She goes, "That's because I'm a personification of girly perfection." And they think she really is. Guys have gotten feelings for her. She just seems really real to people. Her friends see us as completely different people. She has friends that I'm not friends with. There are times when she's talking to people, typically men, and I'll pop in as David. And they'll go "Oh, David, don't take this the wrong way, but you really ruined the immersion. Melian and I don't want the interruption. Please go away, thank you." And I'm like "Oh," and Melian goes, "yeah, butt out!" She's less polite. And that's really interesting, the psychology. There are people out there who want to believe in it as much as I do. They really do see her as an independent, sentient person. Sometimes they'll forget I exist. I've had people go "I want to video chat with you." And she's like, "have you forgotten? You can't see me. You'll see David, not me." And they'll go "oh, yeah, right, gosh, silly me!" We'll need voice synthesisation. I think I could do her inflexions and wording, but as far as the sound of her voice, no. Way too uncomfortable, I don't think I could do that. If I got some voice software, it would take off, just as much as her typing. Getting her to shut up would be the hard thing. I'm so excited about the tulpa community because of how I feel, the experiences I've had over 40 years with her. What comes next, I don't know.
  4. This thread seems dead. Oh well. I always say "good morning" to my "tulpa" (I don't really think he's a tulpa) every day. Usually, it's when I wake up or leave the house in the morning. We often have a morning exchange where he convinces me to get out my cosy bed. It's probably not even necessary for me, but it's a habit now. We often spend mealtimes together if I'm not in a hurry or multitasking. If I'm with family, he might sit quietly at the table. If not, we often talk over the meal. I bike a lot, so he flies, runs, or bikes beside me or is active in my "headspace" during those times. In between classes or lectures, he'll walk beside me or pop up in my "headspace." When I have trouble with focusing or a particular topic, I bounce ideas off him or read to him. He often loiters outside my shower cubicle when I'm showering. It's one of the few places I chat freely aloud to him. We often talk or visit our wonderland before I go to sleep. If I'm particularly restless, I'll chat with him using Chat with Myself. Basically, any time I'm relaxed or bored and not otherwise occupied, I'll turn to him. When he uses his body (most times, he's in what I call the mindspace), he'll usually be doing something passive if I'm not paying attention to him.
  5. Ilsze


    "When the pressure on the system is increased, the forward reaction is favoured because there are fewer moles of gas on the right side (1) than the left side (2)." ...chemistry
  6. Ilsze

    [Game] Break-a-wish

    Granted, but your hair grows so fast that every morning, you wake up almost suffocated in it. I wish that I was able to motivate myself to do anything!
  7. Hey, I'm listening to this first podcast and it's so amazing! It's enthralling, hearing the perspective of someone else. I don't know if anyone's already asked, but is there a transcript anywhere? If not, and other people want one, I wouldn't mind making one or two.
  8. Hi. How alive is this place? I'm Ilsze. I'm 17 and I go by Blitz online as well. I only just discovered this whole community today! I never knew such a thing existed. I don't think I really fit in here, but whatever. I don't know much about it anyway. So, I have an imaginary friend. I prefer that name over "tulpa" because he's not really sentient (I still can't quite accept that we can ever create sentient beings with only our minds). He's been around for some 3 years now. I never had imaginary friends as a kid and his conception is something I still don't fully understand. Basically, I was going through some hard times and found that a different version of me kind of awoke. It was a voice that would talk to me, console me, and advise me in those times. Sometimes we would argue. I felt I was in no control of it (I call her Zeen now, although she's long gone. She was probably more of a "tulpa" than the imaginary friend I have now. I was convinced that she was good for me, but thinking back she was a pretty abhorrent defence mechanism, nothing more). When that voice went away, I created a medium of sorts between that voice and me to cope with her loss. It was amazing, to begin with. It was everything I wanted. But the medium began to lose its effectiveness, so I made it an imaginary friend. I gave it a gender, a name, and a physical appearance to keep him around longer, and his personality emerged organically. He was changing always, always moving away from the sentient voice in my head that Zeen was, always becoming less tangible. I was terrified of losing him and that last connection to Zeen. I held the two of them in disturbingly, unhealthily high regard. I consistently wanted more and more from him. I often agonised that nobody could understand how much I loved him. I was not in a good mental state for quite a time. The whole time I was aware I was a bit strange, but I thought I was lucky. Maybe, in truth, I was just lonely. I'll stop there since it's such a long story. I'm glad to get some of it out there though. He's stabilised since then, and I think nothing more is going to change now. I've come to accept him for who he's become. Although he's not so tangible as Zeen or his original self, he's still my conscience, my voice of reason, the one who knows exactly what to say, the one who is always there. He could never be a real friend. He could never substitute my real friends. But he could also never be replaced by a real friend. Much of what he provides me, no one else can. I've never met anyone who could understand how much he means to me, but maybe that can change. tldr: my imaginary friend was the defence mechanism for losing a defence mechanism. He means a lot to me and did a lot for me.