First of all - thank you for your advice, I will keep it in mind.
And now on to your questions (oh and I hope my english is acceptable, I'm from germany)
Yeah, I read the warnings about Tulpamancy and MH problems. But since I'm a person who
doesn't care much about warnings but rather about own experience, I'm kinda ignoring those warnings.
My fascination about controlling my mind (rather than being controlled by it because of the
schizophrenia) is very tempting to me.
In my family there are various MH problems. My mother had panic attacks and depression, my
grandmother was traumatized by the second world war and still needs benzodiazepine-medication
and is also depressed,
my aunt was an alcoholic (also depressed), another one was addicted to some kind of pills and so on.
My substance abuse history is... problematic. I'm addicted to opiates and tried all kind of
drugs, I guess I took ~30 different substances in my life. From hallucinogens (but I didn't
get schizophrenia because of those) to MDMA to amphetamine and cocaine to various opiates/opioids
to cannabis, alcohole and more. I'm currently 18 years old and 5 years ago I got mentally ill.
It started with severe depression, obsessive-compulsive symptoms and several psychotic episodes.
6 months ago my psychosis chronified and I got diagnosed with schizophrenia. My symptoms are
visual hallucinations, delusions (which all got !a lot! better since I began taking risperidone,
a neuroleptic medication which honestly safed me from the psychotic pits of hell) and various
cognitive deficits. By the way, what is AVH? I can't answer that questions because I don't know
what that is. The only thing that I could think of that it means Acustic or visual hallucinations.
If yes, then I answered that in this post ^^ Oh and I also had some acustic hallucinations, but
just some distant rambling of people talking. I have to say that sometimes I didn't want to
tackle the whole tulpa thing because my last psychotic episode (the hallucinations, the delusions and
my whole perception. It was like a completely other world) scared the shit out of me. But
now I'm seeing it more like it could become a big help to fight my symptoms. I'm hoping that
my tulpa can save me if I'm falling into that psychotic hole again since hallucinations should be
able to battle other hallucinations. Also I hope to never be alone again, depression creates feelings
of loneliness and despair, which I could actually handle if there was someone with me all the time.
Also like I wrote in the beginning - I'm unbelievably fascinated with hallucinations and all that
stuff. I'm planning to learn how to bend my reality completely to my will through hallucinations,
closed eye visuals, dream-like states and so on. By that I want to put an end to all my pain.
And last but not least: My broken concentration. Well, that's because of my schizophrenia and
drug abuse. I took too many drugs (and quite too often) which in a way reduced my memory ability and
concentration. And schizophrenia is normally accompanied by cognitive losses (called negative symptoms).
I hope I could satisfy your curiosity and that my english is good enough to understand.
If you have any more questions, then just ask, I'm very open about my condition.
Edit: I forgot to say, that my visualisation skill is quite good because of my visual hallucinations.
I mean... my first hallucinations already started when I was four years old, that just has to be good for something.
Edit 2: And there's another thing... When my schizophrenia is at 100% my personality kinda changes.
Normally I would describe myself as a kind person which hates brutality and loves piece and harmony.
But when I'm getting fully psychotic I get very vicious and sadistic. It's really mysterious to me, but I have
an idea where that comes from. With the tulpa I hope that I will be able to suppress this because I already
allowed my tulpa to know every single bit of me and maybe I need someone like that to hold me back.
Don't misunderstand, I never hurt a single person and there's no danger that I would - definitely not, because
even in those vicious moments I know in how much trouble I would get and how much guilt I would feel afterwards.
It's just my personality that changes. This aspect of course makes it hard for other people to help me to get out of
my psychosis because understandibly I'm not easy to handle then. But I'm sure my tulpa could be able to...
But well, as long as I take my medication I'm able to suppress it anyway so currently there wouldn't even be
a need for my tulpa to help me with this aspect.