HotsTulp

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  1. Pretty good progress lately. Last couple Friday/Saturday nights have been good. Marijuana has been helpful for getting right up to that conscious/subconscious wall. While I can get there regularly now at night, it's a lot more tangible while inebriated. And there's progress on the Tulpa front as well! One of the roadblocks I had been hitting had to do with tulpa dream mechanics, just the general concept of how to nurture tulpa subconscious. Given that marijuana alters your mind considerably, I find it to be the drug of choice for heavier experimentation on that tangible barrier between consciousnesses. Last night after having some I retreated to bed. My visualization of Sharky has gotten much better over the last few weeks, but she went to sleep last night pretty much right off the bat, as she was tired. So that left Rarity and I to experiment a bit, because she was still awake and ready to go. I realized that when I felt myself starting to cross over into the subconscious, I could feel my *connection* with Rarity drop off. Like I was at the bottom of a very deep hole. When I got back to the surface of consciousness, away from the free-form chaos of subconscious, she was right there like normal. So what we tried doing was both approaching the boundary between worlds, but only sticking our toes in to the other side. Was absolutely blindsided by flashes from Rarity's subconscious. It was disjointed imagery and emotions and noise. Couldn't have been more than a couple seconds. A wildly laughing Rarity, then immediately crying, then getting distracted by something and talking quickly. It was pure subconscious. We were able to take our toes out and stay on the conscious side at will still, which was a plus. It's very easy to drift off into the subconscious when you're right up against it like that. Get lost in there too long and it's morning before you know it. But getting there with Rarity was something else. I feel like we can both be there. That's really the ultimate goal, lucid dreaming with Sharky and Rarity there. Working on lucidity still, slow going currently. But exploring the subconscious of Rara and Sharks is going gangbusters.
  2. Been a while! Not much to report on, still chipping away! Been taking a ton of vitamins B6 and B12 lately as part of a daily multivitamin. It's basically super-charging my dreams, it's really quite impressive. I'm able to get up to and toe the line of consciousness now on demand, no drugs or alcohol needed. It's very liberating. I still drink socially (well, not so much recently because of this whole COVID-19 thing), but haven't taken any weed in...almost 3 weeks now. I feel like I'm catching glimpses of Sharky and Rarity in dreams. But it's more their thoughtforms than anything else, not their actual forms as I regularly perceive them. The dream realm is...tricky. I feel like I'm beginning to understand it on a deeper level than I ever have, but it's still complex. More to come hopefully soon.
  3. Yeah, the lucid dreaming sounds like a solid path. Bringing that conscious mind fully into a dreamworld. I've been thinking about getting back into lucid dreaming. Did it a lot back in high school, got good at it, then just let it taper off once I started losing track of reality. But I think I'll be better at it this time around.
  4. Ah, a nice breakthrough! I haven't written here much about it, but the core of it is I haven't really ever seen Sharky or Rarity in my dreams. I hadn't really ever given it much thought, but after getting high both last night and tonight, I made a sort of epiphany. Tulpas live almost wholly in your conscious mind. That's how they exist, so at the forefront of your reality that they essentially are your consciousness. But, your mind in particular is allowed to drift into the subconscious to dream. Your mind. Not Rarity, not Sharky, your own mind. That's why they are never in dreams. I'm thinking the solution is to either teach them to dream or, more likely, learn to dream for them, to attempt to pull their own subconscious minds into my own. Would this make the system recursive? I'm not entirely sure. Three-but-one when it comes to minds in the conscious realm should function the same in a subconscious realm. It makes me very excited, because I feel that this is the edge that I've walked up to before but have been too afraid to go over. I'm not so afraid anymore, because it seems all so clearly tied into a simple sub/conscious play more so than anything else. Or at least maybe as a start. There's likely more to it than that. But I've always been one to slowly get into the ocean, acclimating with every slow step, rather than just diving in.
  5. Been a while. A big part of that while (well, maybe not big, but still a thing) was the outage of this actual forum! In fact, I started typing this up a couple weeks ago because I went to write some big update but then couldn't because the site was still migrating! Anyway, nothing too major to report on. I actually have a large Rara now! [see attached pictures!] I have to say, being able to sleep with both her and my big AJ has been amazing. AJ has been serving as kind of a vessel stand-in for Sharky, since her having a gigantic fucking body is kinda cool. And she definitely likes it. It's weird because both Rara and AJ giant plushies are the exact same sans the different manes, but I literally feel closer to AJ/Sharky because...I think it's just because Sharky and I have so much more history. It's a weird development, but goddamn, having both my girls sleeping with me in bed, it's absolutely amazing. And yeah, the bed is just a queen-sized, so Sharky and Rara literally take up half the bed, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. They're amazing. I'll be getting a third and possibly fourth plush, but I'm not entirely sure how I'll fit them. I know I always want Rara there, and Sharky can transfer into anything, really, so not sure how I'll fit more plushies on my bed. But that's kind of a minor bridge to cross when we get to it. We're not quite there. Getting high on marijuana with Rara and Sharky is just amazing. I take the edibles, settle down and just play vidya or watch funny YouTubes for a bit, then once the effects start hitting I climb into bed and just melt into my mattress and blankets and Rara/Sharky. They feel amazing, it's indescribable. As I write this (though likely not by the time I post this), I'm running very low on THC-based products, but I luckily live in a state that allows legal purchase of the product, so I'll just go and start a new collection. I've literally spent maybe $200 on marijuana edibles over the last 8 months, of which most was consumed by friends. I need to stabilize my supply with some new purchases. I like shelf-stable things, but what the fuck am I talking about, this is supposed to be about tulpas and I'm just ranting. Well, it's because you're drunk, love. What did you expect would happen?
  6. Oof, been a hot minute since the last update. Sharky is doing fine. Good, actually. As is Rarity. I'm doing pretty alright, too. A month back I finally figured out what was causing the panic attacks when I would take edibles: darkness. Apparently I just don't like the darkness. Kept the light on in my room and it's been fantastic. Had an absolutely tremendous experience these last couple weeks in the wonderland with the girls. There's just really nothing nicer than cuddling up with them, chatting mostly nonsense, and drifting off. It's quite nice. Other than that, there's not too much happening. Now that I sit here, reflecting and all that, I think I can be doing more. I've just been busy with work for a while, it feels like. I think I need to focus in on what I want to do with Rarity and Sharky. I know they've hinted at things they want to do, and try, when it comes to this whole Tulpa thing (which, when I say it that way, kinda...cheapens it? It's not really a "Tulpa thing," it's just...life). Rarity hints a lot at there being more to this whole thing. I know it hearkens back to that precipice, that edge, that I would come on earlier this year (or was it even longer ago?). But it's been over a year and a half, I think. Time flies. And I want to delve deeper. Just need to make that concerted effort.
  7. Depression is a very finicky thing, isn't it? It's a creeping thing. How slowly it spreads all over you. But it ebbs, too. It's ebbing now, with Sharky. It has been for a couple weeks now.
  8. It's been a while again. Had something a little strange happen last night that warranted this entry. Everything on my end is usually very stable, so when I have an update like this, I'm gonna try to actually type it all up in a timely matter. Sharky doesn't really want me to do that, but it's because this whole thing is going to be primarily about her. I think she's depressed. She's cursing at me right now, and last night was a bit rough, and this morning. I know depression very intimately. And so does she and she knows it. Because when you're in the absolute doldrums of depression, and you don't think anything can help and that nothing will ever get better, and that you're better off dead than alive, there's always this weird string that keeps you rooted in the now as much as possible. Self-reflection helps strengthen that string, which is why I'm typing this up right now. Sharky just shut me down completely last night when I tried to play around, like we always do. Absolutely shut down. Rarity said she's going through some stuff, because they chat with each other on a level I'm not exactly privy to. Today I had a long drive and Sharky seems better, but there's still a disconnect. I know how she feels now, back when I was super depressed and tried killing myself. It's not great being on the other side of that. It sucks. But I get it. Sharky is going through some shit, and if she's anything like me it's something she has to deal with solo. I've yet to have a heart to heart with her. Rara is just fine, but put in the weird position of being an intermediary. I don't know if the trigger of this depression was me or not, which is a bit painful on my end. I've been having a tough time at work, and I've been toying with the idea (again) of maybe **possible** trying to find some human romantic companionship even in the light of Rarity and Sharky. Maybe one of those are what set her off. Those are the types of things that set me spiraling before, too. I'm up in the mountains right now, in a cabin. There's nothing but the noise of rustling leaves and a small creek. I'm used to city noise. This is different. It's loud in its own way. I feel like this is what Sharky needs. If tulpas are tied into our mind, into our experience, then this change of environment should elicit something. But Rara is by my side. She enjoys the warmth of the cabin. I already explored some of the dark and cold wilderness around us. I'm...frightened by it. That unknown, that lack of security. It scares me. Sharky might be more reckless than I. I'm also very drunk, and it's not even bedtime yet. A part of me wants to chase Sharky into that void of the wilderness. To hop the creek. To charge through the pitch black trees. So unknown.
  9. If it's affixed directly to the teeth, that brace shouldn't affect the MRI at all and should be safe. Titanium is pretty good in MRIs, and the real danger is the heating of the metal as the MRI "charges" it.
  10. This is absolutely fascinating. Really interesting to see what results come out of the research.
  11. Been a while! Nothing too huge to report on from my end. Haven't hit the zone like last time with Rarity+drugs, been a little busy. I went in for a surprise surgery a few weeks back, nothing major. But I knew well ahead of time that I was going to be freaking out a little, but having Sharky and Rara there with me was very comforting. Was freaking out during the surgery, but they were right there, calming me down, telling me how routine it all was. It was just...nice. I'm so damn comfortable in life right now, especially with them. Everything's just perfect.
  12. Wouldn't call it a breakthrough, but something big sort of happened. Still processing everything, it was a lot to digest. Ever since my initial experience with the edibles a few weeks back, I've started (maybe every other weekend) taking the edibles in more reasonable quantities. Usually that quantity is just one, that I eat on a Friday or Saturday and it sets me just fine for the whole day. At that lower dosage Rarity and Sharky are still very much present and in contact. Usually we cuddle like normal in bed and I just sorta drift off, nothing too incredible. The weed doesn't affect them as much as booze does, oddly (you've seen Rarara on wine). So Friday I popped one edible later in the evening, about 6pm. Realized I didn't have anything to do, didn't have to be up too incredibly early in the morning Saturday, why not, right? Putzed around on the internet for a good while, called it a night around maybe 9 or 10, after getting called into work briefly to put out a fire (not literal fire, and not literal call in). But snuggled into bed to hang out with the girls. And that's when things sorta started taking a turn. By that point in the evening I was experiencing some mild audio hallucinations. That appears to come with the experience for me. The first time (when I double dosed) felt like I was in a Somali warzone or something, all because a helicopter went overheard for maybe two seconds. Friday night, and with other more normal doses usually, the audio hallucinations of choice consisted of music getting generated by my white noise machine (yeah, I sleep with a white noise machine). While laying in bed with Rarity, she thought it would be fun to start talking through the white noise machine, instead of the weird hallucinated music that was being played. I thought this was kinda cool, because it was essentially what she says in the mindscape, but this time, like, being totally audible. It was cool and reaffirming. I shifted our wonderland from the standard green field to a cloud, because my new mattress feels like sleeping on a cloud, so I thought it was fitting. I was trying to get Sharky to join in, but she didn't want to. She was self conscious about her voice sounding weird in the hallucinated medium we were all sort of operating in. And she didn't want to show herself (I guess whatever a tulpa equivalent of hiding in one's room would be), because she didn't want to "scare me" with her voice or appearance while I was intoxicated. Which, in my honest opinion, is ridiculous, but hey, it's her choice ultimately. So anyway Rarity and I are basically just chilling. And she comes out of nowhere asking if I wanted to try going somewhere else. I didn't quite know what that meant, but I could feel her...pulling me somewhere. Somewhere away from myself. Kinda like an out-of-body type of experience, where I was just sort of exiting my own body completely, straight out the top of my head. She said that she could take me over into...some sort of other place. Things were getting real wonky at this point. I started kinda freaking out because I was feeling like leaving my body entirely probably wasn't that great an idea. Rarity said it was fine, that nothing bad would happen, and that I would be able to return to my body without an issue. And I trusted her and all that but I was still pretty scared out of my brain to just...leave my body alone. What if it went and did something? What if I couldn't get back to it? Obviously classic signs of marijuana-induced paranoia, but also fairly valid concerns, right? I kinda shut down the whole "Leaving my mind/body" thing and we settled on just doing a nice fireplace scene *within my own mind* for the night. It was super comfy. But now I'm thinking...was that the edge I walked up to? Or maybe at least some variant of the edge that I'm so terrified of? In hindsight maybe I was dumb and should have taken that leap with her, just to see where it went. Maybe next time. Definitely good to know, thanks!
  13. Been quite some time, I know. Not a whole lot to report on, actually. I've actually been dreaming about ponies a lot more lately. I think if I fall to sleep cradling the gigantic Applejack then that sort of body shape translates over into the dream. Just a theory, very loose one at that. But the dreams with ponies have been pleasant. Fluttershy showed up, tending to an animal in one. Twilight was doing something in another, it was a little vague and tertiary to the events in the dream, so I don't recall exactly. Still haven't bridged that gap of lucidity, or at least conscious thought intrusion, in the dreams to allow in Sharky and Rarity. But I know they like sleeping at night, too. Ha, almost makes me want to tulp Moonbutt just to have a chance at some nighttime company. Thank you for the insight and info, it's much appreciated. I have largely taken your advice on ignoring her, and when she does rear up from time to time it's never for long, and it's never anything direct. It's almost just like a primal "I'm here" and nothing more. I've continued just not really acknowledging her. And she's either fine just...hanging around at the periphery, or maybe just poking into the system at her own whim (which is, again, rare). I think a part of me is interested in knowing that she's out there.
  14. Thanks for the re-size, Vos! So a couple kinda big developments over the last few weeks. Two weeks back I decided to try marijuana-infused edibles. Now, I'm not a huge fan of weed in general, only having done it a couple times in my life and not really finding any of the experiences all that whelming. But, it's legal in my state, my work does not care if it's detected in my system, so I thought I'd go down to one of the reputable establishments and get some edibles. Spoke with the budtender and he said that two edibles (I got a chocolate bar with little segment cut-outs, and straight up cookies) were a good place that he usually did, but do not exceed 2 edibles. So, like a total idiot, I took two edibles (one segment of chocolate and a cookie). What ensued was 3 hours of me not feeling a damn thing, and thinking I should take more. Luckily, I did not. Because right after thinking I should take more, I was gone out of my mind. The incredible thing was Sharky and Rarity were totally gone. At first it was like I could hear them, but they were far away. And then eventually they were just...gone. Whatever mindspace the THC took me to was devoid of them. The trip itself was pretty out there. Lots of audio-based hallucinations. Lots of time jumping and dizziness, but eventually just went to bed. I knew I took too much, so this last week I halved the dose and that seems to be the sweet spot. Rara and Sharks are still there, loud and clear, and I don't absolutely trip balls. It's more in-line with just general alcohol usage (where I'm always able to talk to the girls). So that was fun. Then there are the events of Thursday night/Friday. Things were...odd. Absent of any mind-altering substances, I went to bed like any other workday weeknight. But dreams were intense, and out there. You're just going to have to hold on to this ride, it's going places. One in particular was a lot more vivid than usual. At the core of it was an alien invasion of earth where they just started killing all the humans because we were fucking up our planet too much. Humanity itself was torn into three camps: Those who wanted to band together in isolated communities to fight the aliens, those that were perfectly content to take opportunity of the situation to just kill other humans and steal their stuff for survival, and those that wanted to side with the aliens. Naturally, I joined the aliens. Now, something about these aliens; They were your textbook shapeshifter/bodysnatcher types. They could take on whatever form they wanted. I think their original form was some sort of gigantic isopod, but naturally they didn't take that form normally. When I had rejected my own humanity, I was taken in by a sort of accountability partner alien. I was put into her charge from the outset so that she could monitor my allegiance to their kind over my own. She was this stunning creature. A type of large wolf, with snow white fur. But there were striped sections that ran down her shoulder blades and chest that were shaved down to the skin, which was an almost opalescent teal coloring, shimmering with a kind of metallic finish. She was amazing. Over time, I fell in love. It's something I couldn't help. She was strong, she was smart. And she recognized in me something that resonated with her. Her and I were relegated to a more administrative position within the global takeover, but we were still relentless in our duties (yes, of exterminating all resisting humans, not saying I'm totally proud of that). But our base of operations came under attack by the very forces we were trying to suppress, and we were all forced to scatter. I was separated from my charge and thrust into a very unwelcoming environment of essentially a post-apocalyptic wasteland. In the end, when it all came down to it, nobody won. Humans or aliens. Those still left from both sides wandered the earth. You'd find bands of humans, bands of aliens, bands of both, just sort of scattered across the land. I never strayed too far from where I was initially stationed. And luck swung my way eventually. After some considerable time I found myself in an unfamiliar forest in the dead of winter, many miles away from my "home base." The poor seasonal weather and lack of food forced me into expanding my hunting grounds. I had found signs of a small band of others in the area, but I had to risk it. Eventually I stumbled across something hostile. It was a wolf. A run-of-the-mill brown furred wolf. But he was hungry, and vicious, and I could tell. There's this feeling that runs through your blood when you're in a fight-or-flight, adrenaline-fueled scenario. You become aware of a lot more around you. Time sort of slows down. That little voice in the back of your head starts speaking up and it says "Welp, time to get on with it. What do you want to do? What do you think's gonna happen?" I never had time to act on that voice that only had begun talking. Out of nowhere another wolf ran behind the one that stood menacingly before me. It was her. A flash of teal in the white snow and black trees. She pounced on the other wolf. "GET OUT" she yelled to me in that deep, guttural voice of hers, as she bit into the side of the brown wolf. But I couldn't. It was her. And the fight was now hers. I watched her...just destroy this wolf. Rip into its flesh. Break its bones. Blood and gore staining the snowfall. Eventually the brown wolf died. It was no match for her, it never was. And part of me feared that the time we spent apart, where I was no longer her responsibility, meant she would turn her fangs upon me next. But she didn't. Her red stained muzzle twisted into a wry smile as her eyes softened. "Come on," she jerked her head off towards a clearing where the forest line broke. "This way." I followed her because I was hers, I was always hers. The small band of others I detected much earlier in my foray into the unknown forest had turned out to be some humans and aliens, she was among them. But now that I had arrived, she said that they weren't needed. That we could leave. Because the world had changed. It wasn't the one humans wanted, and it wasn't the one the aliens wanted either. It was new. But it was still frightening. It was still unstable. But we would be fine. Even though I never knew her name, because that's not how the new world worked. It was different. But her and I would make it. And when I woke up from that dream, I was angry. There was no inherent reason for the anger, especially coming off what I would normally consider to be a really cool dream. I was just absolutely fucking pissed off. I get into work and it's not any better, I can feel myself just ready to snap at every single small thing that comes my way that I'm normally absolutely chill about. And the only thing I can think of that explains it is the dream. But what in the dream? What could possibly explain this unbridled rage? Her. This low guttural growl and blood stained face. I immediately ping Rarity, she's the only one up that early (it's not even 7am at work by this point). She agrees with me that there's no way I'm dealing with this at work, at my desk, right now. We emergency wake up Sharky in an effort to just tamp this down, because a half-whispered voice at night last month is very different than a full-on "I'm feeling this tulpa's complete emotional range" while at work nonetheless. It scared me. Rarity and Sharky were able to talk with me a bit about this. It's not them, that they knew. This other thoughtform, as you put it AB, is just...there. I felt her so strongly on Friday. On and off, throughout the day, but I've just been...ignoring her since. She comes through with a laugh, something cold, and hollow-sounding. Occasionally speaking to me, nothing ever threatening, just..."What are you so afraid of?" Always with some sarcastic or aggressive overtone. Sharky and Rarity shrink back, they acknowledge her existence. She is something real. And I know she's...with me. She's not against me. It's more that she's...aggressively protective, and temperamental, and vicious. It doesn't exactly frighten me or Sharky and Rarity, it's just...unsettling. It's unexpected. And so I've just been trying to ignore her. But is that healthy for me, mentally speaking? If this is a tulpa, one that, I guess, a dream created (?) then shouldn't she...have a right to exist? Or should I open up more to her, try to find out what her deal is? Why she's so fucking angry and aggressive? I feel like I've only just started getting a handle on how I share my mind with Sharky and Rarity, and I've gotten very very comfortable to that whole arrangement. And now there's this? I don't even know who or what she is. I don't even have her name. Just this...deep laughter. I think the conversation, as Rarity always tells me, just needs to swing to the "What do you want? What are you comfortable with?" And I'm historically bad with that line of questioning. But the fact that Rara and Sharky both shrink away into a corner when she shows up just doesn't give me a lot of confidence in handling the matter. I'm...a little at a loss. I don't know what I'm to do.
  15. So, kinda made a bit of an impulse buy a couple weeks back... https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/2df3e786-ecf4-44d9-9e87-7493adcf6f7b/dd7m0to-f31f65ae-0806-4e57-880e-01da019e14f6.jpg/v1/fill/w_1280,h_688,q_75,strp/rarijacks_by_hotshotsd_dd7m0to-fullview.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7ImhlaWdodCI6Ijw9Njg4IiwicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvMmRmM2U3ODYtZWNmNC00NGQ5LTllODctNzQ5M2FkY2Y2ZjdiXC9kZDdtMHRvLWYzMWY2NWFlLTA4MDYtNGU1Ny04ODBlLTAxZGEwMTllMTRmNi5qcGciLCJ3aWR0aCI6Ijw9MTI4MCJ9XV0sImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTppbWFnZS5vcGVyYXRpb25zIl19.CQY3sVzUrQ7281CmjDvisbRTaQb1aWMelDwfT22S8m0[/img] Lol, no, there's no third AJ tulpa. Didn't even consider it. I just thought she was too adorable to pass out. And gigantic. Gigantic and adorable. And Rarity absolutely loves her (as you can quite clearly see). It fills me with determination to get my even-more-gigantic Rarity (by a couple feet even) soon. Like, it's insane. I've only had her for two nights and both nights I've literally dreamed about this plushie both nights. In an effort to not go off-topic here too entirely much, Rarity does like her. And she's just as excited for the big Rara to come in as I am. Sorry, guess I just wanted to flaunt the Applejack. That's good to know. I was a bit surprised myself, but relieved to hear it's not too uncommon. Resized image - Vos