Ambertonerre

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About Ambertonerre

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  1. Tw: Suicidal thoughts, Mentions of suicide Hi, I'm McKenna. I've had trouble finding information about what I have experienced in the past because no matter what I've looked up my experience hasn't fit any specific labels so I thought I might discuss it here. I've read the faq on here so I understand that what I experienced may be considered a 'badly created' Tulpa. However, I'm not sure if what I created was a Tulpa at all so I thought this forum's experienced users might be able to help me figure that out. I understand creating a Tulpa is an entirely subjective experience and not the same for anyone but I figured you all might be able to help me going off basic trends in my story. So I'll start from the beginning, it's going to be long so I apologize in advance, I was around 10 or 11 when I first began hearing my 'Tulpa's' voice he hadn't taken a form yet within my mind so he was just a vague voice in the back of my head. It was during that time that I entered middle school and began being bullied by the other students. It was a very stressful time and without a good support network to turn to I began to withdraw within myself. Which is when I first began to hear my Tulpa, at first I regarded him as 'a god' because I had no idea what sort of 'thing' he was. A formless voice telling me that I was 'special' and that my suffering at the hands of others had a purpose and that I was better than my bullies. At first it was comforting and when I felt alone I could turn to this voice for reassurance. However as I became more isolated from others and began to delve into mysticism to answer questions about my purpose in life that voice became 'a person.' He began to take a form within my mind and when we spoke I could visualize him speaking to me instead of just hearing his voice. And while I understand now that it was of my minds creation I was too sheltered and too naive to assume he was anything but divine. I hadn't been raised religiously and had no experience with that so I assumed that what spoke to me couldn't have been of my minds creation but instead of a divine or otherworldly origin. He even had a backstory to support my ever involved search for a divine purpose. He claimed that he was an angel that had come to tell me of my 'past life'. At this point he was still reassuring and comforting but as the bullying increased and my mental stability declined so too did his attitude towards me. The nature of our talks went from 'your past life was tragic but you were loved and now are here because your loved ones cared about you so much in your past life' to 'the only way you can achieve your life purpose is to die'. It sounds bizarre going from 0 to 10 like that so quickly but this progression was over a three year period from sixth to eighth grade and was a gradual change. By that point in eighth grade he proclaimed himself no longer an angel but of a demonic origin and began to call himself 'The Prince of Darkness'. From that year on he made demands upon me to end my life and to tell no one of what we had been talking about. By year nine however I found friends and his presence in my life lessened. He would come back sometimes in my weak moments to make demands of suicide once more but beyond that he became relatively distant in his interactions with me coming back to taunt or remind me of suicide sometimes when I was especially vulnerable. By November of 2016 his presence faded completely and I haven't heard from him since. So I would like your opinions on the subject. I should state that I never got past the stage of visualizing him in my minds eye however my capacity for visualization is very strong as I suffer from maladaptive daydreaming and visualizing things and losing myself in those visualizations is the greater part of that disorder. If you got this far thank you for reading I know it's a lot to ask of you all to share your thoughts so I would appreciate any feedback on this matter and whether or not he was indeed a Tulpa. It should be noted however that I'm not sure whether or not I could call him sentient he certainly had his own opinions on my life and what I should do with it opinions that I don't and have never shared with him and the fact that before telling me that nickname 'Prince of Darkness' I had never heard that turn of phrase before in my life. I certainly don't think he was anything mystical and he can be explained by science but whatever I'm rambling. Thank you again for reading and please share your thoughts. I'll clarify my story if needed.