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About Kersh

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  1. I read in my mindvoice and then listened to her mindvoice reading switching with every other paragraph.
  2. Thats horrible, and not surprising... "/ I was overly medicated for years for psychological issues that just got worse until the day I just dropped all of them and started learning to function being myself instead of escaping. (That said, I completely understand some people have to take meds their whole life, it just didn't work for me) In my experience people with adhd are way more imaginative than others, maybe it does play a part.
  3. Interesting to hear. It must be that every brain works a little different. Sucks that you had to wait so long for the ADHD diagnosis though!
  4. Thanks! Not much has happened when I was away from Nina, just normal life dramas. Basically I was too busy and lazy to see to her every day. I'll try updating here every now and then.
  5. It's crazy! Makes me think of the memory technique "mind palace". It's pretty much what we do with the wonderland only we give it life also. I love the power of the mind!
  6. True! :) So I though i would do an update. Its been more than six months since I last wrote here. I've had an eventful fall and just like the sad cliché Iris fell into the back of my mind. I felt her a lot just being around observing for a few months. Even when I never though about her for ages I could feel her showing up on her own accord not really saying anything. I noticed her picking up things from my subconcious without me even trying. I feel like she was very weak in the beginning and It was just hard holding on to the boring everyday practicing. I felt guilty of course. I was apparently just like all the other non-comitters. But I don't feel like Iris was hurt or angry. I have an extremely easy time creating thoughtforms and even though we didn't practise any she was solid never leaving my mind. So I finally moved to the countryside in January (thank god!!) Wich gave me enough headspace and energy to see her again. I've engaged myself religously for the first time and that delve inte the back of my mind brought her out. I've had such a creative spark aswell and my imagination has been running wild, in a good way. So her name is apparently Nina (don't ask me...) and she's taken inspiration from a character in a book i read a while back. Still looks very normal like a white 20-something woman with long brown hair and hipster glasses. She wears kind of normal clothes like jeans and tshirt. If anybody reads this from the top you can see it's miles away from the black male I started with. I haven't imposed any of this on her even conciously. It's what she's been working on by herself. So last night she took me by the hand saying "come on!" and started running somewhere eagerly. I followed thinking it was just some intrusive thought or mindflip. And then we arrive at the house by the lake that I imagined and literally haven't given a single though in half a year. Walking through it I realized It was exactly the same! It was the craziest experience. I just assumed it would dissapear for some reason. Or that I wouldn't be able to imagine it again exactly the same. The house and surrounding area had turned markeably grey (or it was what my mind looked like this summer) and inside it was like an untouched colouring book. Black and white. We immediately started redecorating and re-furnishing. Making any change to my mindscape was like magic in my hands! It was delightful. Nina brought out wallpaint and went crazy on her own. We put up lamps and bookshelves and a new fireplace and loads of stuff. I could even change the weather outside and light with no difficulty. Nina aswell, she chose a thunderstorm. When we were done she sat down by the fireplace with her laptop and didn't want to leave. It was a nice feeling leaving her happily there. Similar to my previous post I still have some difficulty with my self-doubt showing up through Nina. It really feels like her sometimes going "that's wrong" "ugly" "you look like shit" etc. It surprises me how I outside of my mind would never ever criticize me or anybody like that in a million years. But I guess when I give a human voice to my subconcius it's not uncommon that it slips through. I try to remember that it's me and not her saying these things. Hopefully it will get better when she can voice sentences independently. Personality-wise she has turned out to be a intelligent, independent and theoretical person. She likes to read and write and learn a lot. She doesn't share my interest in nature or religion wich actually calms me that she is her own person and not just "agreeable". Although I can see that she has had to self-study from my mind these last few months and It's not always what I would have wanted for her. Anyways, we're back. I even feel her presence so strongly now it's hard to imagine she could ever self-dissipate.
  7. So I started reading about tulpas a few days ago and almost accidentally created one while doing research. The placeholder name of my tulpa is Iris for now, and she was created on 18th june. At first I made her to be a black male, but after less than 24h I saw her again and she had already changed herself. She now was a white female with blonde straight short hair and lime green eyes. Her clothing is very casual and the only thing that sticks out is her eyes really. I was surprised to say the least to feel any response from her so early. She told me very strongly that she wanted to look very normal and have a very typical name from our country, wich was a bit dissapointing for me since i had plans to make her "special" since I thought I had a free hand in her creation. Still I very much appreciate her strong will and everything she choose to do I respect of course. Her name is still undecided, I've shown her some of wich she likes but none has stuck yet. What I have done so far is to just imagine her with me at all times. It's been a good time to make a tulpa since I'm basically free the next few weeks, and I've got more alone-time than I've had all year. One thing that's been fun when it came to vocalization is reading a book together. We've been reading The Alchemist where I read a sentence and she does the next. We take turns that way and it has really helped some distinguishing wich mindvoice is hers and wich is mine aswell as hearing her voice in different ways and imagining what she looks like (gestures etc) telling a story. When we read together I could feel she was more into the book than I was (I already read it). I felt my eyes glued to the pages basically and it was more her than me. That was a really interesting sensation and I tried "hanging back" as much as I could. I made a vague frame personality to wich she can experiment with wich was basically that she would be kind, intellectual, artistic and value honesty. One thing that caught my attention was that she is much more playful than me. At times when the radio is on and some crazy violin folk music comes on (wich to me is like listening to chalkboard scraping) she will get so happy and dance around. That is a truly odd feeling, hating and loving the same song at once. ? I realize now this that creating thoughtforms (specifically imposing) is something I have done all my life to the point where I have had to develop the ability to make peace with my subconcious when that happen and stop them from haunting me. Especially when I was a child I had tremendous difficulties sleeping for all of the presences in my room. And even though I also believe in ghosts, guides, spirits etc. I'm pretty shure now that I created them. I never realized it would be an ability that I could use in a positive way! But yeah, here I am. I feel really positive towards this process and I really trust and care for her. Her presence is always here (and growing stronger) in a very comforting way. Also, becoming aware of her mindvoice has made me aware of my own and how much negativity i send to myself all the time. Like constantly pointing out when i did something not good enough or in the wrong way, when I'm lazy and not a perfect human being. I'm really gonna work on being kind to myself sence it doesn't only affect just me anymore. Iris just wants to say hi and that she think this forum is really interesting with a lot of cool stories from other people and tulpas! Hopefully we will be more active here since it helps developing Iris and she likes to read the threads here a lot :) Any tips and tricks are always welcome too!