Rachel Gardner

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  1. A follow up from my last post here - If possible, can I please have my account banned as well as ShadowTheFluffhog's (or hell just ban my IP, I don't care at this point)? I realized that the more I repress my true feelings about the community and continue to come back after every hiatus I set myself, the more I get hurt. From when I was MobianTheAngel to MariaTheFictionkin, it's been the same crap over and over again with this community. It's also the fact that I keep having this false belief that things will get better; that Zack and I can find common ground with people on this planet. After getting my journal reported over the dark and sensitive subjects I spoke of, I looked for another place for Zack and me to feel like ourselves without the "Eww go away creepy girl, you're triggering me" attitude. I tried an Angels of Death discord server and despite that they tolerated Zack being a soulbond and myself slowly becoming friends with the owner... I got kicked from the server over the same shit I was reported for on here! (that ended my friendship with the owner as well) I'm quite tired of it. I'm tired of not being able to not be myself and talk about my life with Zack anywhere. I tried for God knows how long, years! I was never accepted into society when I was still a pre-teen and never will I be accepted as an adult. I'm just too weird and dangerous and I might as well be one of those loony people in prison since society doesn't want me. So, to reiterate, I've come to the realization that no matter what, I will never be accepted in any community or any form of social interaction. We are unwelcomed in he soulbond community. We are unwelcomed in the fictionkin community. We are unwelcomed in the tulpa community. And now we are unwelcomed in the Angels of Death community. I'm done trying, and I'm done feeling like crap every attempt I make to find a stable environment to be in. I don't want to have any chance of coming back here. I want to be reminded of the years of pain I continually go through every time I make the mistake of coming back to a community like this. I rather suffer from social isolation and spend the rest of my years alive with Zack being the only thing to lighten my desolate destiny of existence than having this false belief that people will actually accept me and not silence me just because society can't handle someone with a dark & evil mindset. Zack and I are not meant for this world, so we don't want to be a part of it. I know none of you want me here and I'm tired of the fake sympathy some of you have for me. Just tell that you don't want me here by banning me. Please. Goodbye... (I've posted this here because I want everyone to see this, not just staff)
  2. Zack and I decided to leave the forums (again). I don't really want to explain why exactly but we both believe it's for the best.
  3. 1 more hour till I have to go to "work", making gifs for the new episode of Angels of Death whenever the site I watch it on uploads it.
  4. Usually Zack would remember things that happened to me and might bring it up to talk about. Or, on occasion will be like, "Hey, don't forget about that movie you wanted to see tomorrow." I think the most reacquiring thing that Zack reminds me to do, is eat. Sometimes when I'm undergoing a lot of stress I may forget to eat a meal or two. Zack will always remind me to eat, being quite forceful about it, in ensuring that I don't starve. This is the only specific example I can think of to give.
  5. Yes, they remind me of things I forget. Not all the time though.
  6. I believe it's possible. I mean... my soulbond, Zack, made our son Ruffy. Well, not in a traditional tulpamancy sense (for most), but regardless... There are people who have mentioned about their tulpas making tulpas themselves. So, yeah.
  7. I do want to add that not EVERYONE is like that. There are legitimately people out there who are very open-minded and wouldn't judge a person for having a different belief than them even if they don't agree with it. Not everyone is going to label someone as a "problem child" that needs their tulpae or other thoughtforms stripped from them. Yes there are those backstabbers and my tiny circle of friends could very well turn on me but regardless, there should at least be some level of trust with another person, especially if that person is the one thing close to you in this life. It just... doesn't feel right, even for someone like me who has a hard time forming relationships with other people... to not be able to form some sort of trust with someone you've grown close with. -shrugs-
  8. Yes, I have. Some people treat me horribly for it and others accept me. I don't know that many people outside of my mother, my ex-boyfriends, a former friend of mine and the few friends I have online. I talk about my a particular headmate of mine, Zack, a lot online. This also includes our heavily devoted relationship with one another. I tend to boast about it a lot on Tumblr as well. Indeed, I've gotten hate for it of course... but there are also those who think it's cool and sweet. My mother honestly finds the whole idea stupid and weird and has called me out on it plenty of times over the years so I stopped bringing him up to her (my mother and I don't have a good relationship with one another so it's to be expected). One of my ex's knows of Zack which at first I thought he was against the whole "imaginary friend" thing until recently he told me that he was just jealous of Zack since Zack is my significant other. Honestly, everyone is different so it depends on the person. Not everyone you meet is going to judge you for having a headmate but in general, the idea of tulpamancy, thoughtforms and anything of the supernatural is still considered obscure by many and I personally would be cautious on who you tell.
  9. I don't know. This was just a thought I had and I wrote it out. I've seen some people talk about not treating headmates as a coping mechanism and then there are those who go to the extreme to consider anyone who is dealing with stuff and has a headmate that supports them = servitor. So, thoughts like that come into my mind.
  10. https://i.imgur.com/3rYXqZa.gifv (video was too large to make it into a gif and I couldn't optimize it any further.)
  11. Zack can always make me feel better by making light of a situation. https://i.imgur.com/nORO2uV.png[/img]
  12. I can't really tell if this is ill talking about someone but... I really don't like the idea of talking ill about a person who isn't here. I talk about crap about others all the time in privacy and not in public. I find this extremely rude and does nothing but beat on a dead horse. Reminds me of all the shit people said about me on this community's Discord.