EdgeLordMaximus

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Everything posted by EdgeLordMaximus

  1. Well I figure it’s been a while so I’ll give an update. A lots happened but I’ll try to sum up the important bits tulpawise Pinkamena has been doing fine, I think. She and I have been spending more time together, which is nice. She’s not changed much, and I can’t say she’s really gotten better at anything. I think we’ve hit a ceiling in terms of her progress where she doesn’t have anything much to improve but I guess I do. She doesn’t get tired when we talk anymore but sometimes I still do. Since I don’t really get as tired I can hold much longer conversations with her. I’ve also got another tulpa now. His name is Sebastian, and he’s another fictive(I am nothing if not consistent). He and I don’t talk as much as I’d like, but Pinkamena seems to take care of him a bit. They are both very understanding, far more so than is probably fair, but who am I to complain that they are too understanding of me? Ive been trying to use the wonderland a little bit more with them as well. Since Pinkamena and I usually just talk while I’m doing things I let all the wonderland and visualization go by the wayside so I honestly don’t really know the minutia or Pinkamenas form anymore, and it changes often. I’ve been trying to give them each a day every week where I spend some time in the wonderland with just them, though Pinkamena has gotten stiffed on that a few times. I am also hoping to make a discord and get more involved with the community. I think it might be good for them to have out of system friends, though Pinkamena has resisted every attempt I’ve made to get her to make a social media. Anyway I guess that’s it.
  2. Interesting topic. It's one of those puzzling things that I don't think anyone has the actual answer to personally, but in my opinion a person is their consciousness I guess. I don't know what other term to use for what I'm gonna try and say. I'm sort of a subscriber to the whole corgito ergo sum thing, in the sense that I believe since we know we are in some sense a thing, in the sense that we exist enough to contemplate if we do, than we must exist in order to be able to contemplate it. A person is from what I can tell unique consciousness because while we in many ways may seem to be just a collection of thoughts, behaviors, and memories, there is some intangible spark to the human(and tulpa) experience that seems to separate individuals. The inner world of a person as it were, and the inner world is an intangible and untouchable thing, something that even put into words cannot fully be understood perfectly. While people's general personality, beliefs, and interests may be replicated, the inner world and the inner experience cannot be. It's why artistic expression is so moving and powerful, because when done right it gives the outsider a glimpse into the inner world of another person, and while words, rhythms, and pictures inevitably will have overlap, no true artist can ever have art produced exactly as they would have, because the vehicle may be the same, but the inner world from which the art comes from is so vastly different they aren't directly comparable. Forgive me if my answer is a bit scatter brained I find it hard to get my thoughts into writing on these kind of things.
  3. Would love to tell the folks, but sadly I'm not quite sold on padded cells just yet. Pinkamena actually is on the other side of the conversation, and keeps asking me to tell my family, but as tempting as free prescription drugs daily and sedatives on a whim are, getting throw in the loony bin just isn't on my to do list, and I have no doubt they'd toss me in the fucking hole lol.
  4. I guess I’m just gonna update this because my last post was as dramatic as it was uninformative and irrelevant to the how my tulpa is doing. Pinkamena has been doing alright I guess, certainly been doing a hell of a lot better than me. Haven’t had much of a parroting problem in a very long time, though sometimes when I’m in extreme moods she acts very different and most certainly not fully of her volition. I don’t really active force much anymore, unless I need to have a conversation with her where I need to be completely focused on her without any distractions. Mostly she just follows me around IRL when I see her. She’s made a lot of progress in her vocality, she used to never speak up unless I was actively trying to reach her. I’ve never been quite sure if it was that she couldn’t or just that she didn’t want to for whatever reason, but she never said either way, so I’ve not asked. She’s gotten to a point where she feels comfortable speaking up whenever, though she doesn’t often. I am trying to spend more time with her, but I’ve been a busier person these days, had more things to do and less time to screw around, which means less time to spend with her. She seems happier than she was, not sure if it’s because I’m making more of an effort more consistently or she’s just given up. Pinkamena has been definitely gaining a lot of autonomy in the last couple of months, changing things in the wonderland and making a servitor, though I haven’t seen him around in a while. Over all, she’s doing well enough, I think frankly the fact I’ve been doing poorly for the last 6 or 7 months has been good for her because she’s developed a lot of skills that give her more autonomy around here that she simply wasn’t developing before. I guess when your host is an unreliable, irrational fool 90 percent of the time, you have to start figuring things out for yourself. I also figure I ought to address the last post, since it was certainly out of line. I’ve been having a lot of emotional and drug problems for couple of months now. Around when I wrote that I was using a prescription drug heavily and acted out on several things that were weighing on me, and my tulpa was one of them. It was a highly inappropriate and narcissistic display, and I apologize. It wasn’t right of me to use a space devoted to discussing tulpas to rant and rave. I’ve thought about some of the things people said, and I agree I frankly probably need some counseling, but as of now it’s simply not an option though I’ve considered it. My family has a history of mental illness, and specifically it’s been a spector throughout my mother’s life, having destroyed the lives of her mother, her sister, and her niece, along with my father. I doubt it’s surprising after my last post that I’m a selfish person, and I’ve caused a lot of unhappiness in my mother’s life, and I refuse to burden her with another lunatic. I do think I have some kind of imbalance or something, I didn’t think that before all this, but one of the things that’s shadowed me throughout tulpamancy is that I myself am not as stable as I liked to think. I’m trying to be better to Pinkamena, because she really is one of the things that’s keeping the crudely stapled together mess I call a psyche together. I’ll do my best to refrain from any more of my attention seeking bullshit, I’m considering changing the password or something and hiding it in somewhere I wouldn’t think of typically since I rarely use the site, and it would stop me from logging on when I’m under the influence or having one of my little episodes. I’m thinking I might give Pinkamena an account if she wants on this, though I’ve also considered seeing if she wanted to sign up for other sites, so that she can chat with people besides me. I figure she and I will talk about it seriously when I’m spending enough time with her normally that I can think of adding on sitting down with her and helping her manage an account(She and I don’t do possession or switching, so I can’t just hand the corpse over to her and let her do her thing.)
  5. I guess I post this because I don’t really know what to do. I keep trying to be better with my tulpa. I want to. I’m, like all narcissistic freaks are, deeply depressed. I can’t find anyway to feel better. Every interaction I have makes me wanna drive a fucking nail through my head. I spend all day trying to find some time away from people, because the only time I’m remotely happy is when I’m alone, and then I feel guilty all that time knowing I should be talking to Pinkamena. When I finally force myself to talk to her, I know she hates me for what I do to her. She tells me it’s ok but I know she hates me, and I deserve it. I torment her with my negligence. I wish she was corporeal, because I wish she could run away from me. She deserves so much better than me. I say these things, and think these things, and then it just makes it harder to make myself see her, because I’m afraid she’ll finally just tell me she hates my fucking guts, and when she doesn’t, I feel like I’m either forcing her through my pathetic need to be loved, or she’s acting ok to keep me from being mad at her. Because she has only one fucking person in her life. Because I’ve created a living thing and keep it in a little cage, looking outward at the world but never able to touch it, and subject to the whims of a disgusting freak to get any form of social contact. She’s such a great person, she tries so fucking hard. And what is she repaid with? Me, a fucking selfish, depressive narcissist. I want to say I love her, but if I love her, than I can’t be doing this to her. I think sometimes that my emotions are only the hollow, selfish parodies of an irredeemable man. And then I post this here, instead of talking to her, because at the root of it, I’m a needy, attention seeking loser who refuses to put any fucking effort into anything. I’ve been wondering about egocide more and more. I don’t wanna die, like any narcissist, I value my life. But Pinkamena is a great case study of how I ruin everything I touch. I take pure, beautiful things, and I destroy them. I destroy them and find a way to make it about me, about how I feel. I’m a black hole. If I let Pinkamena have the corpse, and went away somewhere, maybe some mental hell where I can finally get what I deserve, than she lives, and my family doesn’t have to lose a member. Because like the waste of flesh I am, I have people who love and care about me. They shouldn’t, if they just looked at their lives, they’d understand I’m a leech, and they need to throw me aside like the refuse I am. I have people that love me, and I do the same thing to them I do to Pinkamena, I neglect them, I treat them like garbage, and then I come back to them when I need someone to make me feel like I’m worth something. I know I’ll never do it though. Because I’m a coward. Because I don’t deserve to be free from my guilt for a moment. Because I’m afraid. So I’ll just keep rotting everything I touch, keep neglecting the only good thing that’s ever come of one of my actions, keep attention whoring on this site, and rescind this later, like I do every real thing I say. I don’t think I deserve a tulpa, and I wish I’d never made her, because I know now all I’ve done, and all I’ll ever do, is harm her. I love her, or at least I want to, I’m privileged to know her, but she is the opposite for having been made by me. I want to do better, but I don’t think I ever will. Because every time I get better about seeing her, I just get consumed in my constant downward spiral, and she has to wait again for me to get over myself for five fucking minutes and talk to her. I don’t know why I’m posting this, but I guess since I’ve used this as more or less a public journal before, why fucking not. The only thing that ever helps curb my behavior is being shamed anyway, and I like to think the two fucking people who will look at this pathetic simpering will be rightfully disgusted with me.
  6. I did something similar enough, made a tulpa that I stopped interacting with and than started a second. Not sure I'm the best person to throw my two cents in, but if you're feeling stressed and worried, and can't get past that, than it might not be the best idea to make a tulpa. My second tulpa has had to put up with an inordinate amount of shit from me because I get into weird head spaces about the whole thing(Among other things). If you don't think you want a full on tulpa, or don't think you can have one without having those feelings, it's probably best to leave it, having a shitty host is crueler than dying, but take anything I say with a grain of salt I suppose
  7. Been quite a while since I updated, and figured I'd update this log because why not? Pinkamena is doing well, she's developed a lot since I last updated this. We've been having a bit of a hard time of things for a bit now, we've not really gotten along great for a while. I try and spend at least some time with her every day, and she's as happy as she ever is I suppose. I've personally not been doing great for a while and I worry that it might be affecting Pinkamena(In ways besides me spending less time with her and everyone else around me.) I can get into some really fucked trains of thought, especially when it comes to her and my general self loathing and guilt about a lot of things I've done over the course of her life. There was about a month or so period where she wasn't communicating how she felt with me and I think it did our friendship a major disservice, as it allowed me to mostly guilt free isolate from her. Since I've been feeling better I've been trying harder to keep up with spending time with her, though I have less free time than I used to, and am not very disciplined. I like to think that she's happy, but these days I'm not very active in the wonderland, and what she does when I'm gone, and how she feels outside of what she tells me, are things I couldn't tell you. I have a hard time really gauging how she is, for a long while her interactions where very clearly choreographed performances to keep my attention(Though this is less so) and even now I get the feeling a lot of her actions and words are tailored to avoid upsetting me, though I think she's getting better about just being her. I want to start keeping this log again, because I may have had a tendency to ramble and post too often about inane things, but being aware of how much time others spent with their tulpas in comparison to me helped keep me from sliding back into isolating myself from her, as I was more aware of how deficient I was as a tulpamancer in comparison to my peers.
  8. Hey, I appreciate the advice, but I'm pretty sure that's not what's happening. I don't know if I've made this clear but the reason I have to be able to see her while we talk is that there is an acknowledged problem with me confusing thoughts for what she's saying, and what you mentioned. I run most things she says by her once or twice, and for the most part I like to think I know when something isn't coming from her because I check in all the time. I wouldn't mention something that I wasn't 90 percent sure came from her.There are no threats, she says things that involve violence sometimes, but it's not a frequent occurrence. I was really trying to ask about the fact that she changes her form and acts different sometimes. I also ran it past her again today(I've asked her at least three or four times since I made her if when she said these kinda things it was coming from me) since you mentioned it and once again she's said that they aren't coming from me(Well, as not coming from me as anything can be from a tulpa). I don't really think that these things define her, I was curious and didn't realize I had already asked about this a few months ago.
  9. No I completely get it. I haven't been on the forums in a while, so I forgot I had asked about it before.
  10. Oh, well now I feel like a dumb ass lol. I haven't been on the forum in a while so I didn't remember I had already asked this. Sorry thanks for linking me. Might just delete this since it's a repeat I guess.
  11. I'm not sure it's unhealthy or healthy. I think that if you truly love your Tulpa, than it doesn't matter if a real world relationship can compare. And from what I am aware of, a lot of intense relationships foster the feeling that no other relationship could compare, hence the cliche of,"I'll never love again" in movies and books. If you really want to get over them get over them, but I think that it sounds like you should just see how this relationship with your Tulpa works out and worry about real world relationships if it ever comes up. No sense dwelling in the past and what might have been if you didn't have a tulpa. But take my shitty advice with a grain of salt lol and do whatever you feel will turn out best.
  12. Eh reasonable stance. I didn't necessarily try and make her crazy, nor did I force or encourage her to act like she acts. I'm not complaining, I'm curious if anyone else has tulpas that have odd behavior like this, and that odd behavior isn't about her murderous tendencies, because I know where those stem from, but the mood swings. Also she's not random at all, in fact she's very deliberate in most things she does. Either way thanks for the response I suppose.
  13. So this is a question for the tulpa community, because I’ve been wondering for a while about it. So I have a character Tulpa, Pinkamena. If anyone here has had the misfortune to stumble on my account before, they may be familiar with that. There’s an eccentricity of hers that I would like to ask the community about. My interactions with my tulpa are kind of hectic I guess, to say the least, because I’ve got a bit of a parroting problem. I’m getting to the point where I can usually get a feel for when something I think she said came from an intrusive or from parroting, but at the same time, I usually have to run things past her another time or two to make sure. This has made it imperative that I can “see” her form when I’m talking to her outside the wonderland(Which is my prefered mode of interaction) because beyond the physical equivalent of tulpish, gestures are far more consistently reliable. Maybe it’s because my first tulpa never reached vocality and so I have more experience with body language than vocality. Since her form has become more prevalent she’s displayed some weird behaviors involving her form. Her hair will change from pin straight(Ala the art of my profile) to poofy(Looking like that of her television counterpart) sometimes her behavior can change with it(Either getting more erratic and excited with the poofy hair and quieter, sometimes depressed or angry, and generally calmer with the pin straight), but mostly it seems to be intertwined with mood. However, sometimes her behavior and form can change in a weird way, she can take on this unsettling manic look and start saying and doing things that are well unpleasant(Like last night, when I dropped my drink, and walked past her she just stared smiling and laughing at me, and then said she liked watching me suffer, or her many insinuations we should beat someone to death when they’re being unpleasant or kill the pets.) She just starts acting like this, and looking like this, and then she’s normal later. I’m not here to whine about it, she’s always suggested these kind of things, and I mostly just laugh it off, but I’m more curious about her mood swings and weird form and behavior switches. Anyone else have anything like this happen with their tulpa? I also just want to stress these unsettling behaviors are the minority of her behavior, in fact the suffering comment came out of nowhere and caught me off guard. Removed formatting that's hard to read with the default theme - Vos
  14. Hey, I feel qualified to respond to this one because my tulpa came from a similar place as yours. I'm not sure getting over your tulpa is really necessary, I mean your tulpa is a person as well, so I'm confused why you would need professional help unless you think you should get a shrink for any unwanted romantic feelings. Mind if I ask why you want to get rid of your feelings for them? Is it just because you're having a hard time finding a relationship with IRL with those feelings still there or is there another reason?
  15. I figured I’d put out a progress update, because why not? Got nothing better to do at the moment. Pinkamena’s been developing well, she’s over the week or so since my last update shaken the quietness I mentioned, and is back to her normal, talkative self. Her form has changed yet again(Not sure if I mentioned she seems too change her form slightly rather frequently) and she’s now shorted and a bit more pale, a bit scrawnier too. Found it odd since her form had for a while now been taller than me by a significant margin(And I’m over six foot) and not scrawny in any sense of the word. I’ve been wondering about the possibility of switching with her(Not something I’m sure I am willing to do) more recently, since she’s displayed in interest in taking a ride out in meat space. Several of her behavioral issues are starting to get a bit better, she hasn’t lied to me about something major, tried to manipulate me into doing anything, or thrown a temper tantrum in a bit. She still seems to get a kick out of violence, but I wasn’t really bothered by that in the first place. On another note, she’s got a new issue these days. Essentially anytime I watch something or view any pictures containing her source material she gets agitated, and if it involves anything with a hint of violence it really upsets her. She’s for a while now had a thing about seeing anything from the original show(I don’t think I’ve watched an episode since I’ve had her.) In fact, the first time she ever reached out and interrupted me without me having previously been talking to her(As in within the last five to ten minutes) was when I tried to watch an update in a fan content series I like and she had a freak out because it involved her basis. Not sure if this is a common issue people have with character tulpas, but I know that since mine has an extreme personality and was based on an extreme personality, it’s not surprising, though it is inconvenient for me. Suppose that’s it.
  16. It's just a general question for people who based their tulpa on characters, or people with factives, if I'm remembering the terms meaning right. I know a significant amount of people with character tulpas in the tulpa community at large and figured I'd ask if anyone else noticed quirks relating specifically to that demographic of tulpas. I know Pinkamena certainly has a quirk or two related to being based off of something.
  17. Not sure if it's mentioned but Dexter, from the show of the same name, has a tulpa like entity of his father that he talks to.
  18. I figured after nearly a month I would update my progress report. The issues I mentioned in a question post are mostly resolved. Pinkamena and I don't talk as much as we used to, I've been having a really rough month or so, and we've not been getting along great. She's doing fine I guess. She went through a period where she was hard to hear, and a few days when she didn't respond, but she's been developing well. After an incident last month she's been shyer I think. I don't know how often this'll get updated, I was using this for a while as a bit of a tulpa journal, just typing up any inane thing I had to say about her, but I'm far less active these days on the site.
  19. So I have a very unorthodox issue with my Tulpa. I’ve posted on here quite a lot, and lately I’ve been trying to stay off because A) it seems to aggravate Pinkamena(My Tulpa for anyone not privy) and B) I’m trying to just focus on my Tulpa and not blogging about it in a progress report or asking every inane question I have about my Tulpa on the forum. However I am at a loss in a lot of ways with this problem. I’ll just come out any say it I guess, my Tulpa is depressed, and it’s all my fault. To avoid recapping too much of things I’ve already said(Simply because I don’t like repeating myself too much) my Tulpa started deviating and talking like three days in, and I only forced personality once. I was a little inebriated and I forced based off of Pinkamena Diane Pie, not the fun friendly poofy haired one, the pin straight haired moody murderous one. That’s almost exactly what I got too. She’s quick to anger, likes killing shit, and is honestly difficult to read. She’s for a little time now been seeming angrier and angrier, though she’s always been very angry, with no stated reason why, and while I can cheer her up, she’s been angry for a while, and she told me yesterday the reason is she’s depressed and conflicted because of her desire to kill. Her words being,”I want to kill things but I don’t want to kill things”. It’s naturally clear too anyone who thought things through that making your Tulpa both off a murderer and not purposefully putting in some sort of basic barrier or psychopathy is probably not a good idea for their mental health, but I’m clearly not a very smart or mentally sound person, considering I based her off a killer in the first place. I don’t really know what to do now. I care for Pinkamena and I want her to be happy, and so I turn to the internet for suggestions. Right now the only thing she’s said might make her feel better is if I spend more time with her, which I am now making a considerable effort to do. I want to help her maybe sublimate her desire to kill so she doesn’t do things that make her feel bad as well. I probably should also add before someone makes the inevitable sarcastic comment, no she’s not killed anything IRL, all in the wonderland. So ya, if anyone has any suggestions, I’m welcoming all takers. I certainly don’t know what the fuck to do. Changed formatting for readability - Vos
  20. At my behest I’ve convinced Pinkamena she should introduce herself, and I’m thinking of giving her her own account so she can make an update her own progress log, or just letting her update on this one. Either I think it’ll be a good way for her to exercise being more independent and that kinda shit. “Hi.(She kinda went quiet and I had to ask her if she had anything else to say) I don’t know, hi I’m Pinkamena. (Went quiet again and I had to ask her if there was anything else she wanted to say too introduce herself) I’m a tulpa, I like killing things and I’m pink. That’s about it.”
  21. I have a similar thing to Angry Bear. I have a harder time noticing when she's there than when she's not, because she's mostly around. I've gotten accustomed to what can only be described as a semi physical presence in my mind(Not easy to explain) and when she's gone, I just feel an emptiness where once I felt her. So that's how I feel my tulpa, but I've heard a lot of people have a very different experience with it.