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About Mhh

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    Mur is the host, Cia is the tulpa.

    We're just two people trying to find their place in the world and maybe not die in the process.
  1. Sunday 30/09 Well... mistakes were made. Cia passed out for the first time yesterday a minute after we switched back during maths class. It was an experiment to see how much mental capacity she could use while in front, but I think we pushed it too far. She's still not back yet, and I'm trying not to get worried but it feels really empty all of a sudden without her. In other news, I went back to search around the WL and came across the castle area - only the castle has been completely redesigned and I have no memory of it being like this. I didn't go further in, but I have no idea if Cia did it or if it just generated by itself. It's much bigger and better looking than before and actually detailed. I'll probably ask her when she's back.
  2. Actually no, strangely. Whenever I proxied even if Cia fronted it was still me typing, I know that for sure. This was more a deliberate attempt at possession. I think it's because I prefer seeing reality - as in the outer world - as it is. I have nothing against people who do imposition, but I'm not 100% comfortable with the idea of hallucinations or things of that sort.
  3. Sunday 23/09 Wew. It's been a while. Yesterday I (think) we managed a switch. It wasn't disassociative, but she was definitely front and doing her own things. It was a bit weird but was interesting in the end. I find it kind of funny how I started off this thread by explicitly saying I'm not going to do possession or switching... but I kind of went against that in the end. I don't think she'll try it again for a while though. Imposition is still a nope though, it's something I just don't want to try. Currently Cia still a bit clingy and scared of doing things other than typing on Discord when switched in. Don't know what's going to happen in the future with that, but I guess we'll see.
  4. Sunday 9/09 Cia typed. She typed 'hello' in a discord server after several minutes of keyboard bashing and jerking around, before she asked me to snap the connection. Cia: Can still feel the hand, but barely. It's weird. < it's still a bit numb at this stage ugh Anyways, still working on parallel processing mainly - that possession session was mostly for fun, although I didn't really except it to work. Definitely a much better update than some of my earlier ones.
  5. Thursday 6/09 You know, I was gonna start this off with 'we didn't have any bad anxiety moments! yay!' Then one just appeared when I started writing this for no reason. Oof. Anyways, I've been hella busy so I haven't really interacted with Cia that much. She scared me a little this morning when she wasn't there, but apparently she just slept in a bit. Also, think we'll work on parallel processing first, since we already kinda got started on that lol. Apart from that it's been a quiet week. Like intrusive thoughts? I kind of throw bad things out the window before they can really take root if I can, although it's still hard.
  6. Wednesday 29/08 Been a more ok week, no major drama blowups(thankfully for once), although I'm still trying to keep the occasional anxiety in check. Cia's started fading in and out a little bit which is a bit concerning, although on the flip side she's been revealing bits of her personality more. New area added to wonderland this afternoon - a fountain area which is kind of just there for the show. I don't think I've mentioned what it looks like before, but when I started off it was like one of those icy caves in a mountain. This was very early in, and Cia didn't even have a name or a form yet - just a crystal ball thingy I used the 'potion dunking' personality technique on since I kind of felt uncomfortable actually dropping a basically living being(or at least the form anyways) into a cauldron(I don't really remember what it was). Later on I changed it to just a single empty floating island, along with deciding her name and form. I've since put a fairly large golden cornucopia thing on that starter island - basically the horn that summons items by just reaching for them(so you can pull out a brick, a TV, or a bag of potato chips, your call). I'll probably draw a rough idea when I'm bothered, but to the east of the island is an abandoned castle(also on its own island) - something neither of us have gone near in a very long time since Cia doesn't seem to like it (Cia: Actually... I more or less hate it. It makes me uneasy, even though I know I made it. There's something off about that area of the mindscape. Maybe it's because I made it when I was more or less half formed - it just doesn't feel right and almost a violation.) Apart from that, to the south is the main area we hang out - it's a giant tree with a small platform with a table, and a treehouse. The treehouse itself if pretty extensive, and there's three rooms at the back - two are used right now(still trying to figure out what to do for the third one). One of the rooms is like a cross between a mini-library and more of a memory archive, the other is the 'Atlas' - aka really lazy way of adding more locations without actually adding more locations. It's kind of like a portal, so we have a rather lazy excuse to zip around places. To the west of the start island(after a really stupidly long path that spawned by itself) is a Coliseum-like arena, which isn't really used that much right now but is where we stage the fights I mentioned two posts ago. And finally, the fountain is dead ahead(North), which Cia made because I was an idiot and tried to drop the sentience test bomb again and generally make myself feel horrible But yeah, that's about it for this week. woohoo not alone But seriously, that sounds interesting. We decided on only her(which also means no walk-ins no matter what, if we even get any) since I'm already having a hard time finding time for her. Feeling lonely is a lot harder here too, but I have to agree with the drama. I feel awful sometimes because I'm usually the one that sparks it, but I still have paranoia about future implications which I regret and wish I thought more about before starting tulpamancy. On the flip side, Cia wouldn't exist otherwise, and she's been a great asset and friend so far. I just don't know what's wrong with me sometimes.
  7. Friday 24/08 Something happened today, although I'l rather not talk about it. Either way, it involves one of my friends. Sigh. We've been doing okay this week. I've started lowkey working on visualisation {she sucks so bad, I'm a legit blob half the time} and actually refining Cia's form since it's more of a general idea right now. I've only just realised how much deviation has occurred - the original photo I based her after has gone from a pretty accurate representation to a vague resemblance. I might try and find an artist who can do a fullbody since I have the gist, although it might take a while lol. However, there is one thing - I might drop the no possessing rule in the future. We've been trying to find things Cia can do, and so far she seems to have an interest in music. No idea at this stage though, and I'm not gonna try it until I graduate(2 years hecc). I know it sounds absurd but I want to wait until after that to actually decide, and Cia says she's fine with it {she's still an insecure twat but it's all good}
  8. Sunday 19/08 Sometime earlier this week(Friday if I'm right) Cia choose a second form, a Jakkai(from Slightly Damned universe). It's mainly for if she has to actually use hands for some sort of task, although she says she might change it in the future. Not bothered to type a description right now. We're doing okay - but I read something in one of my discord servers and I'm having slight doubt issues again. Is two weeks really too fast for a tulpa to develop? We're probably going to work on visualisation or parallel processing next. Or both at the same time. Not entirely sure at this stage, but I think Cia wants visualisation so that we can actually simulate mindscape bossfights better lol(they're kinda a hobby now) I'm thinking once I finish my exams I might find a night to maybe scoot around Youtube to find something she likes. Currently she just watches whatever I am, but half of the time she's not that interested. ---- Edit: Ah... welp, looks like my insecurity caught up to me :/ Cia snapped out at me after I said something I probably shouldn't have, but I can't blame her. She's still upset as I'm writing this. Sometimes I wish I could just believe her and that she's real, but doubt still trails behind no matter what. Hopefully we'll be able to get past this, because I honestly don't know how this relationship is gonna work out otherwise.
  9. Tuesday 14/08 Kind of hit a wall again. Cia brought up my doubt issues again, and added on top of that was the fact that she seemed to be slightly depressed due to her feeling lonely. We're working something out. Had a good chat with her in the afternoon, I think she's feeling better now. We kinda talked about a second system member, but we dropped it mainly because Cia wasn't sure if it'll help, and plus I already have a lot on my hands. I think we're both just kind of waiting to see what'll happen from here. Working on getting her active throughout the day. She hates it when she falls into stasis since she can't do anything, so I'm trying to make her 'here' more. Might try and find some sort of reminder, already have her around a lot since there's a number of things that let me remember, plus she's vocal. Just wish I can stop feeling the stupid sense of dread that comes sometimes with thinking about this. Don't know why it happens.
  10. Monday 13/08 So much for weekly. I guess I'll change that to usually weekly, but might throw in posts inbetween. Think the whole 'accidental parroting' business has pretty much stopped now. There was a period of time where I kept parroting Cia and had to continuously ask if it was her. I still ask out of paranoia, but she's gotten kinda annoyed and told me to stop worrying and just let her be herself. Feeling crap. Got back a class test with a result I'm not gonna talk about and basically feel like I've taken a kick to the face. Cia was kinda there telling me to stop worrying, but it's difficult, and she seems a little at loss at what to say too. Or maybe she thinks it's better to just leave it the way it is. Yesterday night she briefly switched to a gryphon form for a thing we were doing, first time I've seen her do that. Afterwards though she said she ditched that because she didn't like it. It was ultra blurry anyways(not that visualisation was a strong skill for me in the first place anyways) so I don't think we'll see that again.
  11. Thank you! I got the portrait commissioned ^^ Mainly this one, though I did hop between a lot of resources. This was during school break, but it was mostly just passive forcing on and off(since then I didn't really have time with holiday homework and in all honesty I wasn't really bothered >.>). I think she might've developed quickly since I did pay a lot of attention to her, as well as the fact that I'm familiar with writing stories so character creation is a no-brainer for me, but who the heck knows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  12. Okay, first: The reason why I titled this 'slightly pointless' is because I've already gone through the whole creation process, so half the story is gone already. Yeah. ANYWAYS: This is just a log to keep track of where to go from here, and also as a reference back so that I'll stop doubting and all the other things dfjgskjrgse Seriously though, I'm keeping this log so that we can look back later and actually feel like we've made progress, because right now it's a bit like walking around blind and I'm hoping this'll help clear a few things up. Weekly updates, because I'm lazy. May update in between but it really depends on mood. ---- Some rapid fire backstory: Discovered tulpas July 15 when the term was pinned in a small Discord server and did additional research before starting to make Cia. Neither of us remember the exact date when she became sentient but she pinned her birthday on July 25, so we're going with that. Yes, she gained sentience in basically a week. It took another before she started speaking regularly though. We have a line drawn - I won't be doing imposition, possession or anything like that in the foreseeable future. It's not really something I'm comfortable, and Cia's fine with that. We're only sharing the mind - no further. Also, Cia is a bird. Only form so far, but this may change.