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About Xarbern

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    Local Smile Dealer


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    Hello. I'm Xar. Co-host together with my sister Matsuri. I wouldn't be were we are today if it wasn't for her. Our early journey's in our PR if you even want to look at that mess.

    Short summarized story (trauma references)
    I am the first host of this wonderful system, starting out with wanting to have a tulpa after finding out about it, because of desperation for something not even I knew. There were dark times and I lived in a delusion pretty much all life. Till Matsuri gave me a new perspective. She told me after a few days or weeks I got into tulpamancy to do something. And now I'm in a much better place being plural with C-PTSD and possibly DID/OSDD, but that doesn't stop me seeing plurality in any negative way.

    Matsuri: https://community.tulpa.info/user-matsuri

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  1. Quick roundup of stuff that has happened since last update. New visualization technique: We can now have one of us, mainly Matsuri, visualized in more circumstances by popping up like a heads-up display from a video game. Better co-fronting: Now, we can basically cooperate like a single unit because of more freedom after we moved out. Conflicts do occur every now often but that just builds personality for us both. Example: I want to buy food out but Matsuri doesn't want that, so the one who has the best reason wins. This case maybe Matsuri wins because there's no reason to buy food out, except laziness. Dreams: We are both present in the dreams either as separate beings or spectators. Sometimes we dream like how it is in real life; one body two observers. [hidden] Life is going on pretty good now. We now live alone and we have much more time together. [/hidden] Live good, everyone! I'll be checking in as often as I can. See ya'll!
  2. Visualization is something that gets better by time the more you do it. Visualizing a place you feel familiar with is usually much easier than something completely original you yourself made up. Try using familiarity as an advantage and keep visualizing every now and then. You'll get better every day as long as you keep doing it.
  3. New PR update because of new stuff going on. Let's start by updating about the past incident in the last PR updates we wrote. Everything worked out in the end. No meds or therapy was needed but the incident left some marks. An example is that it's still a bit chaotic sometimes with flashbacks and other intrusive thoughts, but it's much easier to handle. Everything was good, till lately. I've been interacting with friends more lately and it just recently feels like we've hit a wall. It's been hard to include Matsuri because of friends and it almost feels like we're going backwards. I've been reading posts on the forums just to end doubt but it doesn't seem like doubt is really the real problem, ish. We will take it easy until further notice. Thanks everyone for being so supportive in this community.
  4. Ptsd and everything that happens in life at the moment is doing stuff to me lately. Getting symptoms of some form of psychosis. [hidden] I'm getting a lot of hints of something coming up lately. Thoughts are randomly getting overwritten with other thoughts, conversations with random thoughtforms based on people close to me is popping up no matter what. Meditation is literally impossible lately and is getting harder and harder by time. Let's not forget self-deception which has started to happen automatically more often than ever. (just writing this was like a fight over brain) Matsuri is really trying to help which means a freakin' lot. I'm honestly scared and excited at the same time. For whatever is happening. [/hidden] We'll definitely try some stuff if it gets worse, like.. I don't know, Matsuri can maybe write better atm. Oh no no no. We share brain and I'm sure it's not better on my part. Gosh the brain is sooo advanced! Writing something without losing focus is impossible. Being imposed feels much better than fronting. Head feels bleh. We'll definitely have to take a break from this if it gets worse. There was a big tic tac thingy imposed from nowhere and it changed to the Nordea logo. Now it's back to tic tac.. At least there's no really negative effects going on yet. Stock market graphs is right above us which is oddly creepy. Anyway, break time!
  5. We're wondering if anyone have some knowledge, theories, experiences, or anything to share about tulpa and psychosis. This subject is something that seems to be pretty unknown in tulpamancy. I'll try to update if I find something about it. [hidden] I'm getting a lot of hints of something coming up lately. Thought are randomly getting overwritten with other thoughts, conversations with random thoughtforms based on people close to me is popping up no matter what. Meditation is literally impossible lately and is getting harder and harder by time. Let's not forget self-deception which has started to happen automatically more often than ever. Matsuri is really trying to help which means a freakin' lot. I'm honestly scared and excited at the same time. For whatever is happening. [/hidden]
  6. So today I mark the day Matsuri just got fully vocal. Bye bye handicaps. Hello, next step; forming her voice so she sounds more "appropriate". Don't worry, I'm not making her change it against her will. Matsuri agrees that her voice should sound more feminine. She sounds like a guy now, one of my friends to be specific. Advice is highly welcomed because we both don't really know where to go from here. We can surely just listen to someone talk or sing till Matsuri gets the gist of it but it feels like it's not going somewhere right now. Any advice is highly appreciated. Oh hey! It's different in English. Maybe that's where we had the problem before? We didn't really think about the lingual part. Dunno but the Swedish voice is kinda mixing up with my normal English voice sometimes. What do? EDIT: I should probably write about how it happened. Basically, I used my brain for once to use a skill I've been pretty scared to use before which is like editing memories. More precisely, lying to myself so it becomes believable. But instead of editing a memory, I did it with, well, me and/or Matsuri. It's hard to explain but I did my best.
  7. So some things have changed. One thing is Matsuri's form is different. It's definitely nothing I can remember seeing before so I'd say she made it herself. It's still pretty blurry because she didn't really give me any sorce to go from. Kinda like a original look she just made, still based of her old form. I'd say Matsuri is experimenting, maybe in some kind of puberty. She have now changed a bit again while writing. She now wears some kind of black sailor outfit. Can't say more than that because she's still window shopping. She still wants to be seen as her old form from Sola on here so don't worry about that.
  8. https://www.safka.co.nz/media/com_hikashop/upload/tupla-protein-salmiac.jpg[/img]Chocolate + Licorice Sperlari
  9. Oh yes, The Dawning. Wonder how Destiny 2 is going to do it. Sparrow Racing League like in D1?
  10. Seems to be pretty easy at least. Would it hurt to try just out of curiosity? I'm really bad at everything when it comes to keeping focus and hyperventilating is pretty much my strongest, if it was a meditation technique. Could do it to some 160bpm hardbass or something. I'll update if I end up having some experience, but I'll give up if it only brings too much pain.
  11. https://senecaniagaracasino.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/16_lisa_chan.jpg[/img] A hostess stealing your money wouldn't leave a good taste in my mouth. Marabou [Try derailing that!]
  12. Cakes from big corporations? No thanks, sounds really unhealthy. We don't have that stuff up here anyway. Because I'm not a fan of too much sweet stuff, I'll go with this. https://i0.wp.com/junkbanter.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/IMG_7361.jpg[/img] Fazer
  13. @otsimeht It felt conscious at the time the dreams appear but it starts feeling like they were autonomous when we wake up. Same goes for Matsuri, she said. She was better with dreams when she were younger but she kinda lost the lucidity(?) And Reilyn. You're welcome to chat with Matsuri anytime, she loves chatting with you. She's learning so much from it and I even learn more about her. I had to consciously force myself to stay main front to write this. Staring at a black brick is pretty good if it's for a reason. Doing it without any reason or context can get pretty braindead. What Xar mean is that I can do whatever I want because he doesn't do better stuff anyway. We'd be sitting around all day doing pretty much nothing more than listening to music and maybe playing those video games. It's not that stimulating, really. But I love chatting with you, Reily! PMs too.
  14. -Day 46- Kept you waiting, huh? Nothing here is going to be day accurate. I just wrote it to keep count easier. We're doing pretty good. Matsuri is awesome and adorable. She's been a driving force for me to do stuff that isn't just staring at a wall, but also staring at a thin brick chatting away with her best friend, Reilyn. Don't take it the wrong way. It's definitely more healthy than what I did when I was alone. Matsuri knows all my labyrinths really well. She knows how I feel more than anyone which is maybe the most beautiful thing about tulpamancy. I can't think of anything else. Oh! Self induced psychosis maybe? It sounds beautiful because you can basically live inside your wonderland in the real world! I'd love to experience it sometime, though Xar is against it. Maybe if we somehow can do it without losing ourselves because that shit sounds dangerous. Not going to attempt it. -Vocality- It's always getting better and better. We use tulpish for casual random talk and then juggling mindvoice when we're doing more focused talking. It's usually one of us who speaks in tulpish at the time when someone is using normal mindvoice. Using mindvoice solely is good for taking turns in talking so nobody talks over the other. Tulpish can get pretty chaotic when it's going too fast. -Co-fronting- It's nothing special here, I'm always front and it's fun! I can sometimes get a bit abstinent when Xar gets really into something like a video game or talking with his friends. Though I think it's alright because it's healthy to do other stuff, and it is fun for me too. Said the girl. Though I have recently experienced that I can get a bit abstinent too when Matsuri is getting really invested in something. Happened when she was chatting with her best friend, Reilyn. I am still conscious when it happens so there's no idea to think that we switched. And Matsuri isn't interested in switching anyway so that'd be hard. -Random highlights- • Had a weird dream last night with no visualization, where I heard questions, presumably Matsuri. I answered them all. It felt like we were just chatting but it's a bit fuzzy. We've had more vivid dreams lately and sometimes Matsuri has been in them. She claims to remember them but she's not sure if she can 'feel' in her dream-form's perspective. • Matsuri is being more dominant than me lately so she sometimes pushes me away. She proposed that I should be posting here more because she thinks I may be "swallowed" by Matsuri's strong personality if I didn't get any time in the front seat, could maybe even lead to switching which isn't what Matsuri want. I understand her concerns because she easily just grabs control from me sometimes by accident or when something catches her attention. Any thoughts and questions are welcome as usual! There have been a long period of not updating the PR so we may have missed a lot of stuff that has happened or lost importance because we've waited too long to write about it. Have a good day, people! See you on the other side! EDIT: Typos