• Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Florence

  • Rank
  1. I've actually seen Z in a lucid dream once - didn't push it too much, I just felt he was supposed to be there. (Not 100% lucid apparently) We actually exchanged some codes that we agreed to "check with each other" when we actually meet, I'd write down his code and he'd write down mine and we'll know for sure we're making no mistake at all... *Sigh* That's so not going to happen. But I carefully keep those codes in my memory nonetheless. If I see Z in lucid dreams, I'll want to get such info from him, that much is for sure. To "load" an responsive image, or to actually "meet" him with all unpredictables, is completely different, and even though I believe only the former is reliable to create, I'm in fact hoping for the latter. And thinking about him isn't going to make the latter happen. It takes sth that I don't know, a miracle maybe. Do understand that I have seen miracle before, that he promised me a gift in my dream and I received it in real life. Why else would I trust dreams so much? Why else would I see tulpa training as but a charade - sth superficial and fake (just for me, of course), while hoping for sth else that doesn't sound sane? It's almost like the Avantasia songs: ... Chase your dream! When all comes breaking down around it What a day for a pastel dream That's coming to life... ... ... Down I must contain the wayward fantasy Where did all those wicked dreams come from Pictures in the dark they seem so eerily Winter night, I pray my mind is wrong ... ... Wandering barefoot into nowhere Just another winter's night And I don't fell gravity anymore You'd never lie, never cry Never talk me out of dreams And a dream is what remains ... I have no idea why this band is so into mysticism, and why their songs make so much sense to me, I understand all of their songs just like how clearly I remember Z (and some other memories too). I know what kind of story they're telling (or maybe I just wrongly assume so). It feels very comfortable, at home, "one of us", "dear author, I see you have been there as well", etc., as unexplainable as my Z; some kind of gnosis, the "knowledge"; or in Avantasia lyrics, that would be - ... Asking, wondering, look at me: waiting... prompting... I may be drawn to something That I can't phrase for you Even though it's true ... Anyway, I'm mentioning these songs because the original lyrics are much more poetic than my own words, especially when read as a whole album/story. If you're ever interested in power metal, or metal opera, or maybe just fancy and mystical lyrics, that might be your thing too xD
  2. Ok! Some progress, or to put it more accurately, some very weird experiences. Will take record of it right away before the details flee. ----------- So I was taking a nap and tried to practice plain meditation before I fall asleep. It didn't last long, I fell asleep quite quickly, but the process feels more like entering the dreams smoothly in a lucid state. Not actually a lucid dream - I have some lucidity with me but not 100%. As with all my previous lucid dream experiences (rare as it might be), I notice how I can "float out of my body" to an extent, gravity doesn't fully work but is still there, can focus and make thing happen (or change a bit), etc. Nothing new so far. Then I remembered what I was doing. Hey, I should try visualization training right now! So I did, and saw some very colorful and shiny triangles. See pic 1 attached. It didn't last long, and it was eerie. The triangles disappeared and I thought "Hell, it's a lucid dream. I just want to find Z, is all. Why don't I just try to 'see' him?" And with this thought, an orange/white webpage appeared before me and started scrolling. It was full of text and way too fast, I couldn't see a thing. It seemed to be in Chinese (my native language). Didn't help with the readability though, with such a speed. All of a sudden the page disappeared and a very loud noise started right next to my ears. It sounded sth like "don-don-don-don-don-don-don-" and repeated forever, way too loud, almost giving me a headache, while I saw two rows of people walking/floating at a very high speed on my left and right side. See pic attached - they were supposed to look like real people, the pic is just a vague description. And they disappeared too, with the noise, then suddenly someone grabbed my feet and started flinging me around. Before I could get my bearings and thought of sth to do, this person/creature? started dragging me "down". I could feel the sudden weight loss feeling in my guts. It was a sick feeling. I got anxious (maybe I should have earlier, but nightmare is common for me and it's hard for me to get spooked) and thought "No, I have to get out of here." Then my lips - the exact left half of them - started twitching rapidly and fiercely. It was so bizarre and uncomfortable that I concentrated purely on this, and quickly woke up. It was still twitching a bit when I was fully awaken but stopped very soon after that. ---------- So, this is definitely eerie, but cool (hell yeah I may not need to take drugs after all - I can do it with my brain!), and it's the first time that I remember to pick up my training/plan in my (half-lucid) dreams. Also, I learnt that I have the power to spontaneously twitch half side of my lips to get out of very dangerous dreams... No no of course not. I have no idea what happened, but that was cool as well. What is the dream trying to tell me though? It's almost like it's torturing me on purpose, not telling me a thing while trying to kick me out of it by all kinds of unpleasant stuff. Yeah, whatever, it's not like this is the last time I have a (half) lucid dream. I'll just dive in when I have another chance.
  3. OMG it's really been a while. Can't be helped; went on a 1-week long trip dealing with a lot of things. Not even a vacation, damn. (On the bright side, I managed to do so many things all in one go - it was a very worthy trip, hell yeah) (Downside is my feet and legs still hurt after resting for 2 days...) So, there's still record, despite everything: 4.1-4.10 4 days 36 mins 4.11-4.20 3 days 31 mins Honestly nothing worth progress at all, just keeping it going without totally forgetting about this wish. However I need to properly write down my current planned action next week: - Trance State - Now we all know people can get into trance state by doing meditation. The state may vary, and it's hard to tell whether people are actually achieving this state or not, but I do have some past experience that may just be it. I can only get into this state for less than 1 minute (sometimes maybe longer? hard to tell) and it's hard to maintain/reproduce. If I get lucky, I "get in it". My senses will change in some weird way - the darkness in front of my eyes will seem "infinite" while normally I won't feel how infinitely far away it is. And I won't be able to feel the bed I'm sitting on. It's extremely quiet and peaceful. I can choose to open my eyes at this kind of moment, and everything in the room will seem far away and tiny for whatever reason, and the sight will recover within less a minute. Otherwise if I do nothing in that state, the whole trance situation fades away after about the same length of time. I mention this, because I realized that maybe I should try to enter trance FIRST, then use visualization technique. That state of mind can be helpful, no? Projecting with too much will force may be a hinderance for such a state of mind. So my plan is: When I'm taking short day breaks I'll still do it the current way. But I'll find some time before I sleep; do some proper meditation without thinking about a thing and just wait for that state to happen; if successful, will see whether visualization works better then. This requires time, of course, I'll see to it.
  4. DAMN busy these days. Not due to work - yes there's a ton of work but I was busy traveling/cleaning-up/reinstalling my laptop, gahhhhhh why are things so hard to deal with sometimes. I feel full of knowledge (due to dealing with my laptop with ultra frustration), full of fury, and hoping to never ever update my mac/win system again, ever. (We all know it'll never work) So, progress during 3.20-31: Practiced 2 days and total time 15 minutes. Forget about it, we should focus on next week because I finally have breathing space There's actually some progress (or more like realization on how to better do this) a couple of days ago, but that can wait until next summary The phenomenon is indeed similar in a way but it's actually "staring at an empty space", so it's hard to know whether it's the same thing. I actually have some thought on how to better "summon" illusions but I'll try first and tell later :D
  5. Phew, finally less busy! Been busy for almost the whole week. Update time (Note: Will only write down the "total" time, and "days practiced" during the 10 days from now on. I already have a track of it in my mobile phone, it's really not necessary to write full record in here as well) 3.11-3.20: 60 mins, 4 days Interesting stuff: 1. Being able to feel wind: I did a small (tiny) test by sitting still and watching my hair. Then hanging some fallen hair on an object near me and holding breath. I can indeed see tiny movement of the hair, in both cases, and they seem almost the same; so yes, there's wind in my room which is too subtle to feel in normal circumstances. And meditation makes it more obvious or sth. (I almost hoped that's some sort of hallucination, lol) 2. Visual fatigue I tried to push the visual fatigue a bit further by just plainly staring at the wall, for once. The previously mentioned yellow/blue color waves somehow turned more like purple this time... A very vivid purple. It's just visual fatigue though, and not really repeatable for now; could be that, since I "wished" to see "purple", my mind is trying to identify "deep blue" as "purple". But then again this isn't worth trying for too many times because eyes get tired. I'll try it every once in a while but not often. (Interesting phenomenon: Visual fatigue can get to the point of everything becoming gray and fuzzy. It's common, and I've probably read it somewhere before, but seeing the vision clouding up is actually a lot more fun than just reading such a thing)
  6. Hope you get better soon! Spring's the time to get ill after all, I've had my share of the spring cold/flu a few weeks ago and hopefully that's all of it. Yeah he's adorable! xD I mean thanks for liking the doll and the drawings! xD I might make clothings for him in future, lol, I'm not sure. If I ever manage to make nice tiny clothings I'll share those too :D
  7. Honestly just feel like hypersensitivity to me, lol xD Talking about superpower, I might have some. They're basically called "super lucky with small things" and "when I recover from an illness, someone close to me will instantly get that illness even if said person is on the other half of Earth". They're not proven by scientific methods of course xD (Replies might be quite late, because I'm now settling down to an every-10-days schedule for this forum :D) Record of early March: 3.5 10 mins 3.6 5 mins 3.8 19 mins 3.9 15 mins Other days are 0 min of course No much progress, mainly because I'm focusing more on the GSC doll! The body has finally arrived! I have a tiny chibi Z on my desk now! He's super cute, so cute that this is illegal. He is cute himself as well, that's for sure, but a chibi version is just insanely adorable. Photos of said doll attached! 100% cuteness achieved! Let me proudly re-emphasize that I made the face part of the doll myself. Hell yeah! Now this is my doll, MINE, not just some merchandise anyone can buy. *Turning into yandere mode* Also: I drew some simple pics. One is about GSC doll. The other is a practice using JoJo's adventure art as reference (this is to make up for not drawing a thing on 2.14). Both are too simple to be proper paintings though. Very happy 10 days! Will work hard on current project later. Now I go back to stare at his doll a bit more because CUTENESS
  8. 2.21 6mins Suddenly caught a bad cold; still functional though 2.22 0min 2.23 12 mins Nothing special... But during the practice I started to think about "birds" for no reason, or more like bird chirps all around like a chorus. No, those aren't real sounds or hallucinations, just a mere thought, like the kind of "intrusive music/songs" that happens to most people. The memory-born chirps are quite lovely though. And there's sth else I need to mention. I couldn't make sure before, but now I think it's certain - I think my forehead skin sensitivity during such practices is rising. I can feel the air flow in the room that isn't detectable in normal circumstances. I wonder why just the forehead skin though? What about other parts of the skin? If I try to focus elsewhere will I be able to feel the air with other skin as well? Interesting stuff but not priority at the moment. 2.24/25/26/27/28 0 mins Because busy and such... No actually half of it was busy; the other half was "hell yeah I have time to play again, before more jobs come in" Summary: Not doing much these couple of days, but well, interesting stuff on 23rd. Honestly, the progress cannot be ideal if I waver around in the eternal cycle of "busy/play/back to normal but busy again soon". I'll see how well I can fix this habit of mine (oh damn... I also need to get that Valentine's pic done some time later. *sigh*)
  9. 2.11 8 mins Nothing special. 2.12 5 mins Short, but I think I'm seeing some kind of color again...? Quite unreliable though. I'll not say I saw anything unless things get "real" enough in front of me. 2.13 10 mins Nope, nothing 2.14 0 min Too busy 2.15 7 min Nope 2.16 0 min Taking a day off 2.17 0 min Same 2.18 14 mins OK! STH insteresting!!! I didn't see anything, alright. But that night I dreamt of "closing my eyes and seeing sth in front of me" scenario. It was just half a minute, but I can certainly say to "imagine to see sth" and to "see it" is totally different. In my dream I could perfectly see a small gray circle in front of my eyes. It had small layers on the edge and it kept spinning. So yes - I would only say "I can see it" if I can see sth like in my dreams. None of the previous experience is enough! I need to make it happen. 2.19 9 mins Nope 2.20 13 mins Nope Summary: Dream hint Yes, to "see" sth is totally different. My dream told me so and I'll aim at such a phenomenon.
  10. 2.5 10 mins Just picking it up. Honestly not going to be any real progress for at least a week, I think (Besides I'm currently back home for spring festival - I will have less time for it than usual) 2.6 8 mins Good... Still having time for this. Need to pick up exercise too... *Frowning unhappily when realizing how many things in my life that I actually plan to do* 2.7 10 mins Slowly getting the correct feeling back. Can get to see yellow/blue or light dots again (and again: visual fatigue or sth, yeah). 2.8 0 min Urm, well. Can still get busy on Fridays, apparently... 2.9 0 min Taking a day off 2.10 17 mins Interesting stuff! Saw some "colors". I could even say those are almost like real colors. Could be visual fatigue or sth but they look different from what I used to see. It changed from dark blue to slightly brighter dark blue, then half purple half blue. I checked on wikipedia; the (almost) exact sequence was "Indigo dye" - "Indigo" - "Electric indigo". WOW that's cool, why do they all have "indigo" in their names... Summary: Saw some colors Could this be reliable? Very hard to say. It seemed so vivid at the time but it only lasted for maybe 1~2 minutes. Further attempts on that day haven't shown anything like that yet. But never mind, we have time. We'll see if we can make it happen again.
  11. Thanks~ :) Shouldn't be any problem anyway, since it's just a free-time-for-fun project after all. Apparently I already prioritize dollars over this project, lol xD
  12. Finalllllly! Finally not busy any more! No wait, I'm still busy. I just got it under control (hopefully). The freelance jobs are so damn abundant that I've finally learnt how bad it is to take too many of them. So yes, I think I will keep EVERYTHING under control as best as I can, and have time for this tulpa project again - also have time to properly sleep/eat/play/exercise again. Will pick up writing the record tomorrow :)
  13. Record of Dec 21st-31th Previous: #37 Dec 21st 13 mins Finally got some breathing space! I hope. Mental status is immediately improving! :) Dec 22nd 14 mins Sorted a ton of things. Summer shoes are back inside their boxes now so this is a very good sign. Tomorrow I should finally have time to draw the pic I mentioned on Dec 10th. That's actually quite important because it's the birthday pic... Can't believe I spent 2 weeks working instead, meh. Dec 23rd 0 min Got fully occupied with painting pic and chatting with friends (For some reason some of my friends keep contacting me. Oh well. Those are interesting people so that's at least worthy of putting energy into) The thoughts that come with the pic: ---- It hasn't rained for a couple of years, Sunlight is warm, days are calm So won't you come to me? With preparation please Defend yourself, defend yourself from ----
  14. Wish I knew how to feel hungry. Whether it's work or games/hobbies, I just fail to feel hunger or fatigue whenever I get focused. Food or sleep tend to get put off for hours or even a whole day, *sigh* Even the "bad food" type becomes good for me due to the high fat and sugar which all becomes energy instead of piling up. xD
  15. Thanks bear! :) Way too busy recently, probably need to carefully rebalance work & life to get any progress. I chose freelance working style for being free in choosing when to work and when to not, don't know how it becomes workaholic style all of a sudden. xD