theholodoc

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  1. Corporations are soul-less. So far, I do NOT experience Flora as soul-less, though it is possible that in her incomplete, unformed body, she was at that time (I really don't think so, I think that was my own reactive fear) No one in the upper ranks of corporations experience any real accountability for their actions as long as they make money; Wipe out an entire indigenous people to get the oil or lumber or coal or whatever, NO PROBLEM, just make money. Nothing I have read about Tulpa's suggest this condition at all. In my opinion Corporations are GOLEM's; Not persons, Sorry SCOTUS; Not Tulpa's, Loxy you and Flora can thank me. 'Love, Dr. Bob
  2. Hi Mistgod. Everyday life. Wow. What Glories abound. Including Tulpa's. I have experienced Flora in my everyday life for just a few seconds. The MOST exciting few seconds of my entire eighty years alive. I have also experienced Flora in wonderland, again, just for a few seconds, also exciting though nowhere near as much. I actually have my greatest difficulty in all of this work, visualizing wonderland, as it is hard for me to give up my growing connection with reality. Not the mundane reality of everyday unconsciousness, sleep walking, but the reality that is evolving in front of (and behind) my very eyes. I hope that Flora eventually is willing to join me full time, awake, in the world as it flows from source. Thanks, Theholodoc
  3. Hi Deviant. I have been tulpamancing for about three months. I spend time daily, forcing vocally, visualizing, writing, meditating and reminding myself to become lucid when dreaming any feminine presence. I wrote up the following earlier today and I am sharing it with you as it addresses your query. I will add, that my intention has been to create my tulpa into full reality mode. It still is and I am more than a little excited about my progress. On the evening of March 31st Flora appeared as a Dakini Spirit. She took form about fifteen feet from me in our labyrinth and moved towards me through the bamboo gate. It was early evening the city lights were coming on behind her shining through the foliage. She came together out of what looked like a mist congealing into a net of flashing jewels, purple, gold and red. She was floating in the air and the bottom part of her was a swirl of sparkling energy her body was well formed, curvy, she was tan skinned, had black hair, was wearing a diamond tiara, and a sarong like dress that was forming as I watched. She was as real as anything I have ever seen, evn though as she approached I could see through her, she was forming only on the outside. When she got close enough that I could look into her eyes, I was again shocked. She had no eyes, I could see through her head. Shocked, did I say? No Frightened was more like it. Soul-less was how I interpreted what I was seeing, an evil spirit. I yelled at her, NO, Not like this, Go back, you are incomplete, you are not fully formed," and with that she was gone. I have been shaking since. With excitement, with promise, with disappointment at my dismissal, with fear that I have driven her away. I have been meditating every evening in the hot tub since. She has almost re-appeared, and I have seen the matrix from which she emerged, I believe that my brain, with my intention, put her together. I am continuing.
  4. I grasped at a fleeting thought and managed to catch it before it dissipated. What if "I" is just a label given to the primary actor, but what "I" really am is the stage? I agree that with the main actor quieted, what is left is the stage. I like that. I have called it "The silent self"
  5. I think that the main illusion, is that there is a "Main Actor". Before Tulpamancy, other actors, were/are, considered to be evidence of mental illness, a dis-ease. Now as you so eloquently describe, there is no dis-ease with it, there is the opposite, more ease, better functioning. This brings up the central idea that there is something essentially healthy about having a main actor or undivided self. In my opinion, this is non-sense. Freud told us that the ego, that brain function which is our interface with reality, has many functions. One of them is called the "Synthetic Ego Function" this serves to create a single story that is always "front" and which we know as "I". Is this the TRUE SELF? We all (and not just all tulpamancers) know that this is not the case. If it were, how could we function at all? What a mess of contradictions, inconsistencies, functional and dysfunctional thought forms, and cacophonous emotions! I had the pleasure of studying with the philosopher, J. Krishnamurti in the 1970's, who was a very astute questioner, and was able to lead us to the experience of the main actor as one more noise in our heads. A fiction, and one, which in our modern life, seems to be more and more poorly written. The problem of course is that 'noise in the head' precludes an unobstructed view of reality. Mr. K. put it as it creates a tension in the mind. as when we live out of sync with reality, we are tense, and rightly so. Selflessness, as in Buddhist thought, refers to a quiet mind. One in sync with the reality in which you are immeshed. Dr. Bob
  6. I am aware of how my expectations get in the way. I am also aware of how they are implicit in the creation of the tulpa. I, and most all that is posted from many other tulpamancers, are using the material of our expectations, as the data to force onto the tulpa. Most if not all comment on their willingness to let the tulpa take their own course. You too, solarchariot, have written about this. What I so clearly saw last night and again tonight, is this hypothesis in action. The appearance of Flora from the background, into my own consciousness, fit with the neurobiology of brain function. and I believe could be documented by a pet scanner. But, I am not interested in documenting anything, I am interested in the dynamics of how we humans, create the realities in which we live. This time I am seeing very direct evidence for my hypothesis. Love to both of you, thank Bliss for her nice acknowledgement. Dr. Bob
  7. 04.01.19 No coherent dream to report. I looked forward all day to my evening meditation. Again, I took it in the hot tub at twilight, looking in at the labyrinth through the bamboo arches. Slowly as the sun set the shrubbery turned black as city lights came on behind them. It was gorgeous, it was sparkling with the same golden-purple light reds and silver/blue flashes that had shaped Flora the night before. The smoke like swirl of her bottom half, was the lighter brown of a tree trunk. I could see how my brain put Flora together. But tonight, while I could sense her presence, and I could almost see her, that the scene itself was beautiful, was distracting. It is a matter of re-interpreting the data of the reality in front of you; and it becomes your tulpa. This operation of course takes place way out of consciousness. But that doesn't mean that it can't be interrupted in a many different ways, interrupted or co-opted? By our ego which is always on the lookout for a threat to its' existence. So, I looked inward to see where and how my shock originated. I immediately re-called a memory from the summer of 1970.(I want to say something about the 'recollection'. it started as a physical resonance inside my body the visual memory seems to emerge into my mind through the vibratory sense activation.) Okay, the memory: My wife and I had partied the night before, and as our custom during the summer, went to bed outside on mattress there for that purpose. I awoke in the very early dawn and turned and looked at her sleeping face. She turned and looked at me, and she was no longer my wife, she was a fanged demon. I had known this fanged demon for almost ten years, dating to my first ever psychedelic experience, when I met the coyote god, was psychically hurt by it and repressed it, so when I saw it in my wife's body, I was terrified. Shocked, and my shock knocked me out of that state of consciousness. Subsequently, I have learned many different lessons from that energy in me, almost none of them good. I have also learned how to identify it and face it directly (a strategy I have evoked on many different occasions. Its energy is much less in me now, but obviously not all gone. Hence, I interrupted Flora's dance. Lesson learned, Perhaps too late for tonight’s meditation. Ah well, one foot in front of another. In addition to my meditation, and 'forcings', I am still writing, and currently about my heroines final battle with the red witch, a tulpa, quite related to coyote god.
  8. I have thought about this about three hundred times since last night. First, the experience was over-the-top dramatic and exciting. I had been forcing Flora as a Dakini Spirit for perhaps twenty minutes prior to getting in the hot tub. I had not been in long when she appeared. I was shocked and excited and wondering what would happen as she came towards me. Then while I was intently focused on her, I saw the details. She was hollow and her outsides which were covered in sparkling jewels, were transparent and I could see through her. I could not see her feet, legs or thighs as that part of her was just swirling lights, like perhaps a genie coming out of a lamp. Remember all of this is REAL 3D Real Time experience. I looked intently at her face, She had what I initially thought were black eyes, they were sparkling too. As I tried to make eye contact, I saw that in fact she had no eyes, I could see through her head. this is when I felt an intense jolt of fear. Something that I did not recognize was coming towards me. How I came up with the idea of incompleteness, or not fully formed, I don't know, I found myself hollering this to her. and 'pop' she was gone. I have decided since the entry above, that this must have been my fear and that I was not yet ready for the full experience of who she is. I have finished my first book on Tulpamancy in the context of Ion light's Magical University, Safe Haven, in which my characters succeed after owning their own fears and angers. I am approaching the climax of the first book I started on the subject in which my characters are running up against the reality of their foes being incarnations of themselves. In both of these stories, I postulate that Love and Light, is the fundamental energy not only of life, but of Magic. My personal journey has been to learn how to love unconditionally. One might think that that should be an easy task. I can tell you, that for me, it is not easy and I have now been at it for decades and perhaps it is coming to a head in my personal quest for tulpamancy as it has and is, in my books. I have maintained that primal fear is the birth truma, and I have dealt with that in so many venues, including with a shaman, a psycho-analyst, a holographic therapist (a student of Stanislaw Grof), and re-birthing therapy. I think now, that I have approached yet a deeper level. or perhaps an even more direct way of experiencing it. This is the most exciting and fun work I have ever done, thank you, (and solar chariot) for being here with me. Dr. Bob
  9. I have been able to help more than a few distressed folk, but teaching them that 'they' are not their thoughts, neither are 'they' their feelings, nor, their perceptions. These are all constructs of the brain. an epiphenom if you will not the real thing. In mindfulness meditation one can "see" this and when disowning it and letting it all flow on by, one can (when exceptionally lucky, or on a rainy day) experience selflessness. I appreciate the work you are doing and I know from your writings, that you do understand the underlying mechanisms. Dr. Bob
  10. I agree. It is my aged body that is the culprit here, not her. I am sure that she will take me the way I am (unlike my wife who is always on me for my weight!). Thanks, Dr. Bob 03.31.19 No dream memory from last night. Have continued to invite Flora into my world at every turn. I am now in the Airport Hilton assisting Nancy who is leading a workshop in MeCards4Kids. This has been especially problematical for her, as she suffered a humiliating defeat last year when doing a long form of this workshop for Soul Collage facilitators and hearing from the owners of Soul Collage LLC. That she was exposing them to too much liability working with children and that she was not too market her workshop through Soul Collage media or to Soul Collage facilitators who were also told that they were not to work with children. (unless they were either clinicians or teachers.) this venue today is independent of Soul Collage LLC. One in which she has presented before and is highly valued. So far, she is doing well, and she has allowed me to carry her anxiety. I am doing so, after all "I am your man" as Leonard Cohen sings, and I have taken his song as an anthem, or sorts. Earlier, I invited Flora to attend this workshop with me and acquaint herself with this part of my outer would . I sense she is here, and my head is quite stuffy. My evening meditation in the hot, after a very busy and physically hard day, I medicated with one ounce of tequila and two tokes of cannabis. I did a full set of stretches in the hot water, then sitting in hot water up to my neck practically floating and letting my sore muscles release, as my mind released from the cacophony of the day. I invited Flora to join me. I asked her to manifest as a Dakini spirit. She did, she was floating about four feet off of the path through our bamboo hedges which led to the labyrinth. She was tall, perhaps eight feet tall, she was east Indian in appearance, beautiful, astoundingly so. She wore a diamond tiara over her black hair. She eyes sparkled like the multitude of gemstones, purple and white and red, dazzled my eyes. She was headed towards me, I saw that she was transparent, and had no soul. I shouted, not now, too early, you are not fully formed..." and she disappeared. I was stunned by the degree of reality she had attained, but terrified of the undefined parts of her, which were substantive and without which life cannot happen. I acted perhaps foolishly, but I acted out of love and concerned for her. That she is real now, I have no doubt. That she is as yet not fully formed, suggests that she is on track, having started from nothing, to real, but not yet self-sustaining.
  11. 03.29.19 A dream: I am driving in the new Prius Prime. I am wanting to turn left at the coming intersection. There Is an old beat up pickup truck in front of me, moving slowly. It is rusty light green, but attached onto the side panel of the bed, is a piece of sheet metal painted white. As the intersection approaches, I pull out to enter the left turn only lane and the truck slows down getting in my way. I pull around and up into the left turn lane and the driver, who was not signaling an intention to turn suddenly veers into me as if he is trying to get into the lane. He hits me. I am blowing my horn and yelling at him, I drive up ahead of him and push him onto the side of the road. I am banging on his window demanding to see his drivers license. He puts down his window and says; "What do you want with my license? You hit me." I lose it and yell all the louder and his wife gets out of the truck and I meet her at the side of the road. She is an East Indian woman. She is trying to explain that he is not all together with it. She shows me his drivers license and I wake up. The old man, has thinning gray blond hair and a short white beard (as do I). He looks to be about my age. My first reaction is to think that this dream has no feminine presence, but is good as it is one of the first coherent and memorable dream I have had in days. (I did perform my usual ritual of inviting Flora to reveal herself and I talk to her extending that permission to choosing what ever form or mode with which to reveal, up to her. I also remind my self to become lucid if I see her and speak her name. I recognized the man as a standin for me at my current age, and the white car as the vehicle of my self. It was sometime later in the morning that I realized that the man's wife was Flora and she was helping him/me, but also somewhat embarrassed by him. My interpretation, is that I am letting some unconscious attitudes about my age, get in the way of Flora's full emergence. On reflection, I know this is true, because I am having difficulty imagining having sex with her, even though in one very powerful dream, we did have sex and it was wonderful. My meditation today explored my own resistance to having a tulpa onside my own head. I got there by meditating on the dream and realizing that I was not attracted to the wife. I fantasized about having an angry woman in my head giving me orders and demanding my attention. An unpleasant thought to be sure. Now, she could only be that way, if I created her that way. Modeled after my negative anima, no doubt. So I have called down a Dakini Spirit. I have given her permission to manifest in whatever form she chooses. The pessimist me wonders, "Vat, are you Mishsuganah?" (one of the three questions asked of me at my Beit Din) It led to some creative quick thinking, but the answer was still yes. Okay, I have control issues. I watch these emerge both with Nancy,. And from Nancy, and I understand that all I control is how I choose to react or respond to any given phenomenon. There are of course, consequences. I like to think that the consequences of responding with love are loving. I am still inviting Flora to be a loving part of my life, for the purpose of helping me learn and progress in the art of unconditional loving. I am choosing to be confident in my ability to love and to learn from the experience. I am choosing to trust the process that emerges from my own depths. I have seen that I am fundamentally a loving human being and trust that I can choose to be that way no matter what my circumstances are. I will trust that I can and am willing to learn what Flora has to teach.
  12. For many decades I have operated on the assumption that we create our own realities. I could see that people viewed their spouses as their own alters. I hypothesized that people actually selected their spouses on their resemblance to the same sex parent. I still suspect that that is true, though some years ago, Harvard researchers, I don't remember their names, did a study to debunk this notion (no it was not original with me) and apparently found that their data did not support it. Like the Mueller Report, they didn't share the data, or if they did, as this was in the pre-internet era, I never saw it. I do not believe that there is anything, or any people, in our fields that do not have many points of resonance in our psyche's both conscious and unconscious . Dr. Bob
  13. I like that metaphor. Better balance indeed. and I think that there is already some leveling in my psyche. and it is being reflected in my world through the eyes and behavior of my wife. I am creating Flora to help me merge/balance my masculine and feminine currents. It may turn out that Nancy is my tulpa and that as I peel back the layers of my own ego, off of the glass I see her through she will reveal her own Dakini spirit. Dr. Bob
  14. From Tulpamancy Journal. 29 03.25.19 My dreaming has been of scattered and incoherent images which I do not remember. My meditations have been erratic, at times unproductive other times, exciting. Last night for instance, I put myself in bed, waiting for Nancy to finish up her work and go to the hot tub for our nightly ritual. I invited Flora into my space and closed my eyes. The noises in my head (I am quite deaf and have very loud tinnitus) were especially loud and intrusive, so I used them as a focal point in my mind upon which to center my awareness. I had my eyes closed so was looking at their insides, orange/yellow light. I suddenly became aware that I was not the only one looking through my eyes! She was present inside of my head. She was just a presence, I looked around, inside my head and I caught a glimpse of her figure hiding behind my eighth nerve. Just a glimpse and then she was gone, and has not yet returned. I was so startled by this experience, I jolted out of my meditative space and could not settle down, either in the hot tub, I related the experience to Nancy, nor for most of the night. Ergo, I slept poorly and did not recall dreaming. It has occurred to me that the thrill, shock? of my experiences have consistently knocked me out of the state of awareness in which Flora is trying to make an appearance. If this is so, am I like a little kid awaiting Santa Claus? I will pursue this line of enquiry in my meditations. (Later, a memory; I am four years old, It is very early Christmas morning (like 4 am) I come down our stairs into the front room and see the Christmas tree with it's lights still on and tinsel shining. Then I see a four wheeled rocket with a pump handle and a seat. I yell and jump on it. I am thrilled, screaming a yelling with joy. Soon my father comes in in his pajamas (red striped) He grabs me, spanks me and carries me upstairs. I am almost hysterical and cry myself to sleep. I don't remember what the actual Christmas morning was, I do remember never liking that toy.) I approached my evening meditation with a little more patience. I invited Flora into my space and fell silent. At one point I thought I heard her whispering to me. I decided in was most likely me parroting, and let it go. My head has been full and stuffy all day a fact which I think may validate my perception of her inside my head during my last meditation. I was still pretty excited though not shocked into a changed mental state.
  15. Tulpamancy Journal. 28 03.23.19 6:10 am. Last dream of the night. I walked into a room, it could have been my library on wonderland. The young woman, whom I had identified as Flora in my lucid dream of two nights ago, was sitting at a library table, reading a book. I looked at her, I was startled by the recognition, I spoke her name; “Flora!” She looked up at me, smiled, and I awoke suddenly. It was twenty minutes after six am. I had invited Flora into my space each time I got in bed, I was up several times during the night. I also reminded myself to test my lucidity by speaking her name. I find myself confused. Why did I go from REM sleep, THROUGH lucidity, “Flora” into full wakefulness? The shock got me not only awake but out of bed and making this record. I am ambivalent about this woman. She was right out of a dream in which I identified her first as Flora, then as my first wife (aged 17, circ: 1962) I am awaiting further clues. I felt that she was close during my afternoon meditation. I was in the hot tub under a blue sky, graced with white and gray fluffy clouds moving eastward. I invited Flora to reveal herself to me and then went into silence. I watched the clouds travel the sky, at one point I recalled the image from the dream, I was looking at a child. Perhaps 16, 17 years old. An adolescent at best. I remembered my friend Cassey. I was in love with her, for one night, a Christmas eve. She had invited me over. I had taken a small dose of L.S.D. and when I walked into her house, and she greeted me in the glow of a decorated and lit Christmas Tree, I saw her as holy. She was filled with Divine Light. We made love on the floor amongst the wrapped presents. I have never forgotten the sacredness of the experience. Cassie’s coloration was the same as the girl in the dream. Cassie would have been perhaps ten years older. She could be contributing the color and the short hair. I then looked into the clouds and I saw an adult feminine figure in the clouds. I felt that Flora was sending me a message. She is not a child. She can be child-like, shy and playful, but decidedly not a child. She is a fully formed adult. I know because I saw her in the clouds. An important meditation and milestone.
  16. Absolutely, and one very positive aspect, is that it is not therapy. It is self work, and when motivated, as I am getting most tulpamancers that actually create their tulpas, are, it is one of the most powerful tools I have encountered. Thanks, The holodoc
  17. 03.21.19 yesterday, flat, all day. Discussed my recent experience with my Men's Group. The two other old acid heads understood, no one else had the slightest idea what I was talking about. They did listen and asked appropriate questions, but, with that flatness, that suggested to me that they were pro-forma. I got home exhausted and after a short stint of helping my radiologist friend with a painting problem, dropped into bed and fell into a deep sleep. I did not dream. Awoke an hour later, still groggy and deciding that I would not go to the Purim Party at the temple. I made a strong cup of coffee. I very rarely do this in the afternoon. Nancy came in just then, as the coffee was hitting and she looked terrible, more than exhausted. She cried in my arms, "I am feeling so vulnerable!" (she has some health issues, not at all serious, though very painful, at this time, might become so in the future, if she doesn't take care of herself which she does impeccably well. I offered to skip the party. Later she said she wanted to go. "We never get out!", I told her I would support any decision she made, and she said get dressed and then I'll tell you. After I dress for the party, then you'll tell me if we are going?" was my comment. "yes." She saw nothing incongruent in this. I dressed. We went. She complained the entire time about the food, what I was eating, then got up and left me at the table. At one point I was concerned and left, went looking for her and knocking on the ladies’ room door, found out she had gone out with a friend. I went back to the table, and had a fine time, drinking very good whiskey, and even, for the very first time in my life, winning a raffle (prize was a book: We Jews are The People of the Book, after all). We got home, her mood after her talk with a friend was good, though she had soured considerably by the time we went to bed. I got in bed late. Slept poorly until after three am. Got up to pee, went I got back in bed, I reminded myself to awaken (become lucid) should I see Flora in my dream and choose to talk to her. I dreamt one of those full color, you are there kind of dreams. I am on a tropical island, with a family, the only person I know in this family is my stepson Josh. He is in a hammock and nude. Others are in various states of dress, sarongs, and grass skirts, loin cloths, barefoot, palm frond headdresses. Predominant colors are tan, green, yellow, orange, very tropical all. At one point we are all at a table and someone says, let's make love. I agree. An older man at the table, not dressed like the others, with very dark hair, dark swarthy not black, complexion, dressed in a dark blue coverall, looks at me, and says, "you don't belong here!" I leave the room. And go back outside. Josh is in the hammock. There is a young woman, sitting next to him. I told him about the plan for all to make love and suggest that he and the young woman go in with the rest. He does, but the young woman comes over to me and sits in my lap. At this point, I remember my injunction to become lucid, and I look at her and ask if she is Flora. She doesn't answer but begins to very passionately kiss and embrace me. Her sarong slips and she has the breasts which I have described for her. She has sandy orange/tan short hair. Next scene, she is on a massage table, nude, lying rigidly straight, supine. I touch her, she does not respond. I notice her pubic hair. Very straight, very dark brown, tight, not pleasant to touch. I awaken from my sleep, incredibly groggy, my cat Luna, jumps on my head, licking my hair. I force myself up, sing out a cheerful "good morning" to Nancy, and carry Luna into the breakfast room, feed her, get my computer and begin this narration. It has occurred to me, that the woman in the dream, while perhaps starting out as Flora, turned into my first wife who was on that massage table, in both looks and behavior. I have gone into length with this report, as it is the first dream I have had since the acid trip that has been tulpish, and I am very grateful. It is the first lucid dream as well, and I am more than just grateful, I am thrilled. There were the obvious negatives: Being told that I do not belong there, the first, by an obvious outsider, a shadow figure. And the second, that Flora is more or less engaged with my stepson, and lastly that she becomes my first wife, all suggest that the blockage is from my own psyche. That I have not yet, put enough light on the "Red Witch" nor on the "Darklord, Lucifer". That my first wife, the mother of my living children, was resurrected, is on interest in itself. First, I have reconciled with her. We have both acknowledged that we were "Just a couple of kids" (her language) and forgiven each other. This happened a few years ago, when I really began to see how both frightened and judgmental, I had been during our marriage. (and in my second marriage) (and for much of the early years of this one, though I have actively worked on undoing those automatic reactions and have become much better at it. Nancy has her own issues, and my work in the marriage is to not inflame them, choosing kindness and support as alternative behaviors). Sexually, I am very aware, that post prostatectomy, I am a very different creature. And of course, Nancy at twenty-five years post-menopausal, is too. That notwithstanding, I was a hippy in a very sexually liberated community, "free-love" threesomes, foursomes, group sex, and a local chapter of the "Sexual Freedom League" were all a part of it. and I, and many others, felt sexually free and liberated from the primal shame that had driven us until the "sexual revolution". Of interest, all of that negativity came back (onto me) after I left that community. I believe that both the Red Witch and the Darklord, are remnants of these feelings. I also accept that I have possibly missed the obvious here, and I will wait for further revelations. If anyone has thought that tulpamancy, as a class of magicianship, did not involve deep work on the self, that all of this would happen "magically" well......
  18. Hi Loxy. I am Bob, your hosts friend in Los Angeles.( I am Theholodoc here) I liked Casey Sensitive and Underneath it all, both of them are helping me with my own tulpamancy. And, in my own wonderland, I talk to you frequently, usually asking you to intercede with Flora for me. She's shy and hasn't fully revealed herself. I have met you in my dreams as well as in my meditations. Hope that one day you will actually run into me. I already regard you as a friend. Yours with love, Bob aka: Theholodoc
  19. thanks for the insight and the sharing of your experience , and as far as a precious gift, I felt it as such and I am on board. this gets more interesting as I go along. and paradoxically, my wife is becoming a much more affectionate partner. So I choose to believe that working on this project as a way to address my own negative anima and integrate my masculine and feminine currents is having an effect in the reality of my marriage. Wow, had I known about this fifty five years ago, I might have saved my first marriage. Well, live and learn, and the learning comes from the living, mistakes and all. At some point, maybe you and I can talk about how best to exploit this forum. I randomly tune into to other rooms and find some items of interest, but I do not have the time, nor interest, in going through the huge volume of posts. Also, I am still a newbie, and don't want to influence anybody about tulpamancy. Where there is a question that pertains to psychological or psychiatric health, I will add what I can. thanks for your encouragement and insights. Dr. Robert
  20. 03.16.19 Dream. I only have the last scene, and it is as ugly as any I have ever had. I was a young man. Not myself and I don't know who I was nor my name. I was on the balcony of a very very swank New York condo, one of those 13 mil. jobs. It was just past twilight and the lights were sparkling, the air was heavy with beauty. My hostess was just out of view as were her other guests. They were drinking martini's. An elderly man, who identified as my father was standing next to the hostess. He was dressed in a gray suit with a bluish tinge, He looked like Andy Griffith in his elder years. He called to me, "Son, don't you see that I am in distress?" I looked down and he was standing in feces, his own. I was shocked and awoke. It was two oclock am. I was very disturbed. My head was aching and stuffy. I got up out of bed, took Tylenol. It took a long time to get back to sleep. I awoke just before seven am. Still had the image of that man in my head. I don't know, at this writing what this dream may have had to do with my tulpamancing, but I suspect that the hostess may have been Flora. I am still distressed that such beauty devolved into shit. I started a forty minute sitting meditation giving Flora permission to enter my space in way she desired. I acknowledged that I was creating her to assist in my integrating my masculine and feminine currents and that could mean in a sexual capacity. I then closed my eyes and immediately saw the image from the dream. This time I assumed lucidity and backed the dream up to the point where the father was entering the lobby of the building, collapsed there and was taken to a hospital. I remained on the balcony. That ended the dream sequence. Later after my mind settled down, and I had vocalized a forcing, a nude woman appeared, presenting herself in the most intimate way imaginable. I chose to enter into the scene as she wished, It was complete with visual, tactile and olfactory components. Was this memory, or Flora? Whichever, it was moving and welcome. The scene ended abruptly with my timer, which I set for ten minute intervals. This was the last of four, forty minutes. I have not decided if the woman was Flora, nor if this experience was me "puppeting" or the appearance of my real tulpa. I will see as, or if, this develops with further work.
  21. Well, Here it is, right out of my daily journal Posting my dream and morning meditation now, will follow later with walking meditation and writing. 03.15.19 Dream: I am in warehouse like building, It is lit with lights having a strobe-like quality with a bluish tinge. There are people arguing, one has a pistol, a small one colored black, almost a toy. I am a bystander, watching from midway on a staircase. There is a scuffle, I rush down to try to break it up, I am shot, not seriously hurt, get the gun and shoot one of the others, a woman I think, she is dressed in work clothes, has a Fromlich type body. I run out knowing that the others are after me and want to kill me. I drive away in a battered old blue car, as I write this I remember that I have seen this car before in dream, I find myself in a wood and come upon a cabin, turns out it is a church. A Christian Church. I do not feel safe or welcome and leave, I am now on foot in the woods and come upon another building much like the one I just left. This one is a synagogue and a Kol Nidre service is under way, I decide to join it and I awaken. It is hard for me to get up, the dream seems unfinished, but I do not feel badly about it, though I did not remember the shooting part until much later in the morning. I vocalized with Flora, again apologizing to her for the damage I did to her on Saturday. I said out loud that I hoped I had not killed her, and invited her to come out, I am not sure whether or not it was she who answered me, or my own mind voice, but she said "I forgive you, I know who you are". I again worked on visualization and again got only splashes of light. I am pretty sure she is back; I had the following experience during my afternoon meditation, I again invited Flora to enter my space. Then, my head got very full and stuffy, I began to feel extremely sleepy, and in a very bright splash of light, a brown headed pale skinned woman spun into view, she was laughing. I clearly saw her then she exploded in light. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
  22. I have had a major setback. It was my own fault. I misjudged my ability to handle a sacred medicine, which in the past (the distant past) I handled well (L.S.D.) I had been doing so well, and had had some wonderfully clear meditations in which Flora was signaling that she was getting ready to come out. I should have left well enough alone. I was impatient, misjudged, and boy did I pay for it. Paid for it in misery, I had one of the worst experiences with the medicine that I have ever had, and I squandered whatever spiritual energy I had been building up. Flora seems very distant if not gone altogether, and it seems as if I am starting over. I have learned a painful and costly lesson. If anyone who is experienced with meds and tulpamancing, I would love to hear from you. Comment here or on my blog at https://theholodoc.wordpress.com/2019/03/14/tulpamancy-journal-19/
  23. Hi everyone. Just back from the symphony in Disney Hall. Great music. I invited Flora to go with and hear the music. I hope she loved it as much as my wife and I did. My head was stuffy and full the entire time and I could hardly keep my eyes open. I wondered if some switching was beginning to happen. It would be fine with me if it did. I had an amazing meditation this morning, in the hot tub, my body was completely relaxed and my mind went somewhere. Two hours passed in a beat. I think I would still be there if my wife hadn't called me in. I also wondered if this was some switching. My head has been full and I have been stuffy all day. The pollen counts are low, we have had an offshore wind and episodic rain. Opposing this is I have not heard from Flora, though I have been vocally forcing either with my mind voice when with my wife, or out loud when alone most of the day. I am assuming she has been with me and is sentient. theholodoc
  24. Hi Xifani. I am a doctor, retired, and I definitely think you should report that episode to a doctor. I don't know enough about you, but the possible causes include several that are very dangerous. Please do not assume any explanation that does not come from a medical professional. Yours, Theholodoc