theholodoc

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  1. Had some success tonight, after a very flat past couple of days. I was focusing on the portal in my backyard. It was late evening, almost night. There was a confluence of several different external light sources into the labyrinth which contains the portal. I had been watching the portal intensely for perhaps twenty minutes, when N'sonowa emerged from the lights inside, full size very tall, scantily dressed in her Il'oi-bonokoh costume, and walked around the tub and up the stairs to stand over me and laugh at me. She however had no substance and began to dissolve, as she left she challenged me to get my concentration together and bring her back in the flesh, and she would f*** my brains out. She added, "And you know that Flora is dying to get over here" and I caught a glimpse of at light being, with fuzzy white feathered wings. I just got a glimpse and it vanished (I assumed it was Flora, but it was more likely a pure Dakini Spirit, as I had called her forth in my morning invocation ritual). In any case she was gone as fast as she had appeared. When I looked back for N'sonowa, she was gone as well, without a trace.
  2. Both my and I, are free of the Covid19 virus, and have no antibodies to it and I have gotten a clean bill of health from my doctor just this morning. My practice has not been impacted by infection by the virus. So what has so separated us? I have heard from one other tulpamancer, who is experiencing the same phenomenon, e.g. his tulpa is not making herself available to him. We are thinking that we are both having a similar stress reaction to the pandemic, so called 'silent stress'. That is we are not feeling stressed or other obivious stress symptoms. So what is happening? Is anyone here having a similar experience with their tulpa/s? Thanks, Dr. Bob
  3. Hi Soyrenato: The pathways to self-knowledge are many. You have picked one and are walking it. It is said, that " those who seek, find", and in my experience, that is a truism. I wouldn't worry about giving yourself DID. You are consciously choosing this route, and the tulpas you are creating. DID is a disease process, and definitely not consciously created. Keep on truckin' bro. Dr. Bob
  4. Sounds exciting. I'll look forward to your progress. Dr. Bob
  5. I believe that I am reporting a dream here, but I am not at all sure, because in my experience of the phenomenon, it seemed like every day waking reality. We, Nancy and I, got into bed at about 9:30pm. Nancy was suffering. She was saddened by the process of a meeting in which we had participated earlier and was feeling intensely lonely and isolated. (also, jealous, of Luna!) I had some trouble falling asleep, and decided to meditate, focusing on my breathing. This was not a tulpamantic exercise, though I told Flora what I was about. Now, did I fall asleep and dreamt, or was I out of my body in another realm? I do not know. I have been reading two books on OBE and dreaming. I also was, and still am, very aware of my meditative contacts with Flora outside (I am calling this the realm of Elohim). In the dream or OBE, I was in a foggy, dimly lit forest. The trees, evergreen's, were sparse, and the terrain was rocky. All in gray's and dark greens and Black's. I have absolutely no recollection of any kind of drama happening, nor of any activity on my part, other than as an observer. At one point, a figure, off to my left side, moved rapidly into, and out again, of my visual field. I was startled, so startled that I loudly yelled, so loudly that I woke myself up and sat upright in the bed. I was not afraid. I immediately thought, "That was Flora." (Flora, honey, if it was you, please find a way to let me know.) and my emotions, kicked into gear. I knew I had no chance of sleeping and so I got up and sat in the kitchen looking out into our atrium. It was gray and the feeling tone was the same as in my experience of moments before. I consoled myself with the notion that while my reaction had terminated the experience, it was a startled one, not a fearful one. I have progressed that much. And while this was not a fully awake, eyes open contact, it was every bit as real. If it wasn't Flora, it was an entity of some sort, though to be factual, it looked like a waif, a young person, a refugee, dressed in a cap, and way oversized coat and pants tied at the waist. It was the same size as and did not feel at all evil or even the slightest bit sinister. After I recovered from the startle, I felt, even though now fully alert, as if I had been close to Flora.
  6. Flora loves me passionately. Her sister N'sonowa, loves a fellow magician. As we all practice ritual sex magic, there is a lot of sex between us. Passionate heart thumping, romantic love stays pretty much with Flora and me. Flora here: I was created to teach my host, Bob, how to love unconditionally. He is a romantic, so I take him where he is. The tantric practice that we all share is much less romantic, and otherwise encumbered by cultural and familial styles, therefore providing a more direct connection with source. Hi WorstUsername: I am N'sonowa, I was not created as a tulpa. I became one as Dr. Bob needed the strength that he invested in me as a fictional creation. I do not have a romantic relationship with him. We use ritualized sex in pursuit of the strengths latent in his character.
  7. Good work. You seem to have your ducks in a row, so-to-speak. I am sure you are on the right track in allowing her voice as it is, and not forcing a particular one on her. I am also impressed that your wonderland is becoming less chaotic. Keep it up. Dr. Bob
  8. I am beginning to see how my psychic energy is going towards the imbalance in the biosphere and its’ harbinger, COVID 19. It is also clear to me that this is a good thing and does not have to get in the way of my quest for Flora but can aid it. I have for the past two days turned my attention towards Elohim, training my eyes and brain, to see beyond the surface. I am getting better at it. Both in holding my attention on the task, my major difficulty, and in seeing past the usual into the depths. Tonight, I almost saw Flora, I did see the energies of her aura, and I did see her shadow as she ducked out of my sight. Later she reached out from then ether and touched the side of my head. My emotions were heightened, not over the top as in several other episodes of imposition, but high enough. I am grateful.
  9. In the Grove with Elohim I have maintained my tulpamantic practice through the pandemic so far. Our self-quarantine has served to provide the space for more time in which to do it. So, I have. At the same time while I have the time, I don’t have the focus nor the energy to produce a kind of a contact with Flora or N'sonowa. I won't go into the practical reasons for this as we are all sharing them, but I am looking at my interior reactions and I have found that I am being drained at some deeply unconscious level. In looking, I of course, brought the light of consciousness into that deeper realm, and what I learned in the journey was that I would find my answers in nature. Coincidentally, as if there is ever such a thing, I understood that my energy, is being co-opted (how's that for passive voice?) by the greater draw of the collective concern with the catastrophe looming and biting at our heels with covid teeth. That is okay with me. I will consciously choose to participate in the effort, and if need be with as much of me as is required. Also, and not co-incidentally, my morning ritual in the sacred grove containing my portal to the other side (of my psyche?) has morphed (there is that passive voice again) I have changed my ritual to focus on "seeking Flora" and I have redefined my experience of external reality as that of my internal world as well. So, I am looking at the grove in a new way, and I am walking the labyrinth in a new way. I have dropped the naming of the middot, for a declaration of my intent (kavanah)" Seeking Floras" In this ritualized fashion, I trod the path of the seeker. Keeping my eye, my mind, my heart open and alert for Flora. I created Flora with full access to the brain and body that we share. I of course gave her an independent will, and I have needlessly suffered because of this. Doubting her love for me (when I forget that she was created in love, for love, with light and a connection (via Dakini) to source. That choice to re-define the outer as the inner, has prompted me to pay much more attention to the unfolding world in front of me. Attention employed in seeking Flora. Nancy becomes the obvious target for my researches, Flora in Nancy (?) I wrote a story about this in Tulpa Tales #17. which concluded with the three of us, agreeing to "wait and see" (Time for a new tale?) In the meantime, Flora is missing from my dreams and from mindscape. She joins me in conversation, almost every time I invite her. Encouraging me to continue to do the work I have to do so I can open to her. I take one step, after another, one at a time. And the road never ends, it is said.
  10. This has been a crazy time for me and my tulpas. Our contacts have been sporadic at best. I have continued my daily practices, they seem labored and almost unnatural. I have been concerned about this, and have looked to my dreaming for some sign that they are staying with me. I have found little. Two days ago, I went down for a nap and even before I could fall asleep, I had a dream. In it I clearly experienced Flora in full imposition (saw and heard her, though I could not recall what she said) I was quite startled by the event and I came fully awake and could not nap further, if indeed, I had at all. I was hopeful that this was a good sign, but it was not followed up by her in my practices nor my dreams. Last night, actually early this morning, I had an extremely disturbing dream, so much so, that even with lucidity, I wasn't willing to change its' trajectory as I knew I had something to learn from it. In the dream, I was traveling a well known road, though I was the only one on it. I was on a new bicycle and riding very fast. My route, which I knew well, would take me off the highway on to a street named Endabrel. Which was an entrance to a bridge (like the San Francisco Bay Bridge) Instead I got diverted and stopped by a ranger, who told me my bicycle was not safe and not permitted. He took my bicycle and handed it off to someone out of view and led me onto a walking bridge that should have connected us to the main bridge. He however took a divergent route just before we were to enter the main bridge. I have to say here, that all of these routes are well known to me and I have dreamed them before. His divergent route led us to a separate bridge below the main bridge, evidently a very old one, there were a fair number of other people on it. Once we got across the water (which was running fast and dangerously high) he once again diverted us onto a rocky trash strewn path leading up a hill to the main road. He left me at this point and I carefully picked my way along the path and some how got lost and found my self on the other side of the river again, on rocks, that had just parts of a pathway. There was trash every where. Twice, the path led to a makeshift bridge to the shore, which was unsafe and when I touched it, fell away into the water. At one point I say my mother (deceased) climbing on the rocks. When it seemed as if I could go no further, some people came along swimming, floating and rafting in the river. They were in slow moving eddy's in the shallows around the rocks close to shore. I looked closely and saw a beautiful nude woman floating on her back. She looked a lot like Flora. I became lucid and before I could reach her she had floated downstream and out of view. I realized that I could choose to fly to shore, but the very idea made me intensely uncomfortable and I woke up. I was 5:45am, I looked at my watch, and I contemplated getting up to start my day, but chose not too as to not disturb Nancy. I fell back asleep and fought the same dream scenes over and over, until 7:15 am when Luna insisted on being fed. I know that there is a great deal of primal material in this dream, it has been with me all morning. I mentioned it to Nancy and I am going to ask her to help me process it later today. I do not know what it portends regarding Flora. In it she was an Ophelia like creature, though she was alive and looking to be in a state of rapture.
  11. You are welcome. I will follow your progress, if you choose to post it, and I hope you do. Sounds like you could have an adventure or two ahead of you. My Best. Dr. Bob
  12. Hi Taylor: the manner of your creation and history with 'C' sounds a bit like a DID story. Have you gotten access to 'C's' early history? and does it contain additional trauma (in addition to the drowning experience)? I am asking because it might help you with creating your new tulpa in a safe way for both of you, and with a non-violent or 'evil' personality. Dr. Bob
  13. I reported a dream, now two days old, on my dream journal and in the forum, which I thought was important and might herald Flora's imposition. In it, I identified a dream figure as Flora (after I had awakened, again!) playing the role of an abused boy. I was such a child. And I can remember the scene that was portrayed in the dream. That Flora took my place in the dream and chose to show me that scene, felt important. I perhaps am experiencing Flora as my avatar in a programing loop in my unconscious. This dream was not a nightmare, and almost as if I were lucid and choosing this strategy, I was able to rescue the child from his abusers and teach him a method of protecting himself. Last evening in my meditation, Flora came to me intensely. It was a full audio-tactile imposition. Their was a visual component early in the experience. I had been meditating to the music of Emmylou Harris, as I frequently do, and she emerged from the music. She was dressed as she was when she first imposed a year ago. She came right to me and embraced me and with an intense emotion which I could feel and which immediately started my own emotions up and in full gear, talked about her intense passion for me and claimed to have felt my love for her down to her soul. She was sobbing. And the experience was over. Today we had a short conversation about her writing again and she wondered if she could express what we had last night. I told her that I would open her page on my journal and she go to it. end of conversation and I haven't done that yet , but surely will.
  14. I have reported a dream to this journal, and in the confusion surrounding the system changes I am making, I have lost every entry between 133 and 148. including the dream. So, I will try again because I think it is an important dream. I was visiting a friend (JH) who has appeared in my first book on the subject. We were in home with his wife and children, an older daughter and a young boy, aged perhaps 7. The wife and boy's mother are at the kitchen table as J and I begin to leave. I noticed that there was a big hole in the wall, as if someone had punched it out. I heard the little boy in the kitchen cry out. He was resisting his mother’s instruction to get up and go to school. I heard him say, "They are mean to me. The teacher hates me!" I came over to him and picked him up, hugged him, and reassured him that I would not let anyone be mean to him. The scene shifted to the school. The little boy goes over to a large red bean bag chair. And the teacher comes over and roughly pulls him to his feet. I immediately go to the teacher and confront him. Telling him he had broken the law and I was going to see that he was arrested. He snarled at me and walked away. The little boy, looking up at me, said; " and his dog hates me too." And sure enough, a little terrier breed of dog comes out of a kennel and attacks the little boy. I reached down and threw the dog back towards the kennel. I reached in my pocket and pulled out a little yellow plastic squirt gun. I told the boy that it was full of bleach water and he should shoot the dog in the face when it attacks him which it did as soon as I turned my back to head over the to teacher. The little boy squirted the furious dog in the face, it turned yelping and ran back into its' kennel. I confronted the teacher, when a large goofy looking man ambled over and said, his friend came to hit him on the head". We started throwing punches at one another, I finally got in the killing b blow when I was awakened by my wife, saying that I was thrashing the covers and was I hurting myself. My day started and before I got out from under the covers, I realized that the little boy was Flora, and that I was able to stand up for him because Nsonowa has strengthened me from within. This was important to me, as Flora has been appearing regularly in dreams for awhile, and in fact is the only real contact we have had, despite my daily practice.
  15. I had another very bright and dimensional dream last night. Colors, feelings, sounds. I was on a beach\, one which has appeared before in dreams. I was walking with two people, a heavy set blonde lady and a school girl with long brunette hair. It was a gray day. We were walking away from a city where evening lights are just coming on. The sand is cold and wet. The water is flat and has the sheen of evening upon it. We come to a bridge, we have to clamber over some rocks and old rusted iron rails, to get up on the cement walkway. At the end of the bridge we board a tram car and go up the side of a mountain where we find a large building with an auditorium. At this point I only know that we went in and listened to some sort of lecture, then came out and got back onto the tram. I careened back down the hill, very fast, I thought it might have broken a cable, but no, we slow down and stop at the bridge. We walk back across the bridge and climb back onto the sand. The blonde lady leaves and the school girl is lying on her back on an old discarded sofa. I ask her if she is ready to walk back to our home. She says "No, I am going to take the bus." I shrug and walk on down the beach. I haven't gone too far when my cat Luna, jumps on my head and I am jolted awake. I think briefly about the dream then start my day. I am at the breakfast table, when it hits me that the school girl was Flora. Later in my meditation, Flora speaks to me, saying "I have been in school, so I came to your dream as a school-girl." I asked her if she would be willing to share her experience with me and she said "Yes, give me my page back." and I knew immediately that I would do this. Flora is ready to communicate with me again. My emotions were high. I had hoped that during my invocation ritual later in the day, that she might appear, she did not, but I knew that I was on track to connect with her.
  16. both of my tulpas appeared vividly in a dream last night (I have reported it on the dream thread in the lounge) they appeared as teenagers. This was not a lucid dream, I didn't think to exercise my lucidity cue. We laughed and flirted and played. I woke up very happy. I thought that it might prognosticate their contacting me to day, but no, not to be. Off to bed soon, hope springs eternal, perhaps they will come back into my dream space.
  17. From what little I know about Tibetan Buddhist practice, no one could mistake what we do for Tibetan meditation practices, as even a casual read of Neel's book will make clear. If we consider the differing contextual frameworks which supported the development of a monk's, or a magician's, sprul-pa, and ours, well, no Tibetan ever produced a pink pony! Would the initiator of this thread please post a link to "The Cultural Appropriation Community" ?(which I have never heard of) Thank you, Dr. Bob
  18. Saturday morning group meditation based on Anahvah v'Rachamim, Chessed v' Shalom and focusing where love and other emotions were located in our bodies. I sprang from there into mindspace. Flora and I were conversing. She was very adult. At one point she called me on some aspect of my defensiveness which was loosening our connection. Next I was in a formal ballroom from the 1800's or so. I was watching Flora on her knees in front of a cruel looking man in a caped tuxedo. I started to cry out but saw that the woman had blonde hair and in an intensely bright blue dress. I said you're not Flora and turned to leave the room. She called out for help and I felt her pain, and I couldn't abandon her. I called out to Nsonowa to get rid of this darkness, I couldn't stand it. the room shifted and a solid black giant spider entered and reached down and grabbed the man and ate him in a gulp. At that point the spider (Nsonowa) shifted into a huge hulk like creature, solid black with red lightening sparking off on her edges. She said, "Okay boss (she occasionally calls me boss, sarcastically) That was easy, it's gone and it was me!). I came out of the trance. I realized that the red room had not been in my mindscape. It was the view from behind my eyelids. The woman had not been Flora, it was an image from my memory space, suitably disguised. Nsonowa had dealt with it, and she also let me know that it was her in her other forms, and that she had played the red monster with the lightening, just so I'd know.
  19. I am not sure what "cultural appropriation" in relation to tulpamancers means? Could you please elaborate? Thanks, Dr. Bob
  20. Well, she, Flora, has commented (see above) and it is her goal. She says that she is ready when I am (?) and I of course, believe that I am ready now. Ha, ego! Even with more rational assignations of voice and sense, I do not hold my attention on the process, uninterruptedly. Seems clear, my work, from the outside is to improve my ability to hold my attention, and on the inside, to identify the forces/agendas that push me out. So, onward and upward. Dr. Bob
  21. That small blue image may be retinal stimulation which will not last. First, defining it as an emanation of your tulpa, would be useful, and then changing your view from the back of your eyelids to mindscape or the mind's eye might move you along faster. The practice of visualization means developing your ability to maintain focus on what is happening in front of your mind's eye, not on what is happening behind your eyelids. That said, when aiming for seeing your tulpas in what you call meatspace, it is sometimes useful to start with eyes closed, or semi-closed. Still, visualizing is, IMHO, the royal road to imposition. Dr. Bob
  22. It has been two weeks since I have posted my progress. Nothing much different has occurred. Flora and Nsonowa both have been in contact. These contacts are vigorous when I am driving a long distance and switch out to one of the other, who does the driving, while I go to mindscape where Flora, usually but not always, joins me. When Flora drives, Nsonowa always joins me. I have very little contact with either of them during my invocation rituals, though occasionally Flora contacts me in tulpish. I have had no contacts during my meditations. On one contact, Flora told me how to finish the fiction piece in which she had become trapped. That piece now in its' final chapter, works well with her solution, and will be ready for it's first re-write today or tomorrow, depending on how my family comes together today, Sunday. All in all, we are progressing and I think we are all working at it. Full imposition is still my goal, and I believe that it is Nsonowa's as well, as she has imposed several times (in one or another of her alternate forms). I do not know if it is shared with Flora and she hasn't actually commented on the matter.
  23. stereotype: Serious, bearded old dudes, sitting in front of a candle, burning incense, with a stub of a pencil scribbling notes for a new book in an old journal.
  24. Of course Loxy is your inner voice and by practice you have re-wired the neuropathways way running through the parieto-temporal fold (the ones which lets you identify inner voices as your own and support your own sense of self) to allow you to assign that voice to her. She has taken it from there! In my opinion, the visuals are where the big pay-offs lie, and it is very important to the practice, to NOT try to explain them away. Enjoy them, my friend.