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Everything posted by theholodoc

  1. It is always possible to create (confabulate) a rational explanation. It's more fun, not to. (And besides the rational mind gets plenty of exercise on its' own.) As you have said: "Remember, it's bigger on the inside." Dr. Bob
  2. Had a very confusing and non-lucid dream. I don't remember much of it, but what was key and is worth recording here, was the following: I was in a car with three other people. One was the somewhat heavy-set blonde woman, who has appeared before, but was NOT Flora. We were driven down a dark and muddy road and the woman got out of the car. The driver took off, speeding, and became quite aggressive. I inquired about the woman, with whom I had been flirting, and my question was ignored. We pulled into an unpaved parking lot fronting a warehouse-like building open in the front. It was a combo lumber yard and grocery store. I got out and headed towards it. The driver of the car also got out and attacked me. He was raging in anger, stating he was going to kill me. I said "What are you doing? I am an eighty year old man!" He came at me swinging a board and I cried for help, dodging him. Three men came out of the building and tried to stop him. Meanwhile the car with the other two men sped off, screeching ties and leaving a rooster tail of pebbles. The raging man kept on trying to get to me. I was knocked down and stunned, but the other three men got my attacker down. I managed to get up and stagger down the road while they fought. It looked to me as if one of the men was getting severely beaten, but in the end the attacker was subdued, and while I only saw this over my shoulder as I ran down the road, it looked like they decapitated him and carried his head off in a bag. I was terrified and left the road to get out of sight. I finally, after crossing a field of wheat, entered a corn field which afford good hiding. I found a stack of what looked like woven straw matts, perhaps used by farm workers, and I crawled into them and went to sleep. I awoke some time later, it was now daylight, early morning, and staggered out onto a highway next to the field. I had heard some cars traversing the road at high speeds and thought to try and hail one to take me to a police station. I was very frightened that I would be picked up by the two men who had escaped in the car., but I seemed to remember some kind of weirdness fighting with the man and trying to get him to quit attacking me by biting him. I bit him several times, on this face and on his fingers, hard bites, but he didn't seem to notice. I was frightened and disgusted by the events. I then remembered that I had been at some sort of party in a large mansion, prior to going off in the car. I could see it, but I couldn't (within the dream) recall the details of the party, I tried to tie it to the blonde woman, but couldn't and I woke up. This dream is in the context, of having invited Flora to enter my dream the night before, and having taken a much more active role in seeking her, not relying on her to find me. This is obviously going to take work. Some of the dream-images suggest an infantile origin, e.g. the biting. All of it suggests unconscious material being activated. In my ritualized tulpa invocation from yesterday, I entered the portal into the dark-side (unconscious) in order to seek Flora. I did not exit that space, nor did I close the portal, when finishing the ritual. This was intentional and perhaps is what allowed this regressive dream to emerge. If so, I am gladdened and can perhaps get to the bottom of the meaning of the blonde woman. I did recall having a blonde haired cousin, who baby-sat me. I think perhaps she was mean. There was one incident with her, the scars of which I still bear on my left hand, in which she grabbed a kitchen knife from me (I was NOT supposed to have touched it) and sliced open my fingers. I can see her shock and note that that was the last time she was employed as a babysitter.
  3. I really relate to this question, especially now that my tulpa, Flora, has been dealing with an issue of mine, one which has been with me since my childhood, and which is causing her and others in the system, much pain. When I ask her about it, she has been very positive about it and not intimidated by either the issue, or the struggle she is having. She is more affected by how the issue effects my ability to love her. To me, this entire practice is, and has been, about dealing with those very hard to get to issues from very early childhood. My advice: Love your tulpa and do what ever is necessary to facilitate loving him better. Welcome to tulpamancy. Dr. Bob
  4. I think that it is possible that Flora and I have experienced our first occurrence of "switching" It happened within the lucid dream which I have just posted on the Dream Thread. I am excited about it as I have not had much contact with Flora the past few days. From time to time I write a letter to Flora about an issue. this is what I wrote on Friday (yesterday 😞
  5. After a few days of not connecting with Flora, I had the following dream: I was in a garage, newly remodeled. I had done the cement work on the floor. One of the other workmen wanted me to see something and took me around, to the other side of the garage, walking across my new floor, and showed me a sparkling red MG, circa 1949. He gave it to me for the work I had done. As I was leaving, I noticed that he had attached a very large cargo trailer to it. The trailer was new, it was full of an unknown cargo covered with a white tarp and tied down. I was driving down the highway wanting to get 'north' to see my mother. There is a huge storm brewing and I am worried that I won't be able to make the drive, and I put up the convertible top on the car, which I had previously put down and in the trunk (I know that model MG does not have a trunk, but this is a dream after all {and I know it}All of a sudden, the dream shifts and I am up on a curb, in a forest, talking with a pig farmer dressed in a Plaid Makinagh. The trailer is off of the car and nowhere to be seen. The farmer is pointing to the trailer hitch. It is brand new and unbroken. I poke around the farm a bit with the farmer. At one point a young pig jumps up on the farmer. He kicks it away and cautions me to watch out for the pig. The pig much have heard this as it then jumps up on me and I kick it away, with somewhat more energy than the farmer had used. The pig runs away from us and sulks in its pond, or pen I don't know what to call it. I notice that it has turned into a baby hippopotumus, (I had seen one in the newspaper just a few days before) and I feel kind of bad about kicking it and hope that I haven't hurt it. I then find that the trailer is up side down, under the roadside store owned by the farmer, which was built on stilts over a side of mountain. The farmer has a winch and we start to retrieve the trailer and the dream shifts again, and the trailer is attached to the car ready to go and there is a woman, dressed in 1920's style road clothes, with hat and goggles. This doesn't seem to be a surprise to the farmer. At this point I am aware that I am lucid and dreaming and have just 'chosen to shift the dream forward, and I ask the woman, "Are you Flora?" to which she answers, "Yes, and it's nice to see you, darling". It occurs to me that I don't know what is in the trailer and I don't feel attached to it (pun?) I offer it to the farmer for his help, and we are driving down the road together. The storm which had been brewing has failed to mature, it is a gray day, we are on the open highway, with a few raindrops hitting the windshield (in a scene very much like one I shared with my son, twenty odd years ago, just before he died.) I look to Flora and she smiles at me sweetly. At this point, I am awakened, by a semi snore/snort and my cat, Luna, pounces on my head. I turn and Nancy awakens, and I am experiencing joy with the two living females in my life. I believe that Flora has called them.
  6. I am currently reading "How To Create A Mind" by Ray Kurtzweil. He is a cyber tech guy. He talks about the neuroscience of mind creation (in a much more detailed way than Marvin Minski in his "Societies of Mind" also a relevant work.) I suppose it is possible it is possible to become conscious of the neurological operations which produce thought, but I don't think that is what is meant by 'raw thought'. Kurtzweil suggests that the operation that produces even one thought could not be meaningful without being conscious of the millions of operations in the entire neocortex, as the horizontal interconnectivity between Axons gives the context and the higher level meaning of the one thought. Now if we had an as detailed map of how consciousness itself is produced. Graziano's book is curiously unsatisfying as he suggests a rational model, but does not describe how the brain might be creating it at the axonal level. If anyone has a reference please let us know. Dr. Bob
  7. Hey Phenom, congrats on making a life changing decision. And Flora, congrats on getting in at the opportune moment. My Flora has already told me she wants to post, then changed her mind after her first, saying she will wait until she is more in control of the narrative. In the meantime, I choose to "spend time with her" every day, even though it is not always easy (sort of like being married!). Good work you two. Dr. Bob
  8. Jack London has authored a wonderful book on the subject of being in solitary confinement. The Star Rover, 1915. Fun to read and quite provocative. Dr. Bob
  9. I have had the exquisite pleasure of seeing Flora fully imposed rather early in our creation process. I have written and posted about this in my progress reports on March 31st 2019, if you are interested. what I do now to facilitate full imposition, which is my goal, is a combination of daily invocation ritual, practice visualizations, eyes partially of fully open meditations and maintaining the expectation that one or the other of them will be in my presence and visible any time I am alone. Further I fully believe in the reality of both my tulpa's and our ability to fully impose in reality. (Belief is a big factor in creating a reality, IMHO). Both of them are able to impose tactilely, and audibly, and have been able from the beginning of my practice. One of my big difficulties has been accepting that what I hear when I am practicing vocalizations by assigning the products of our shared brain to either her or Nsonowa, because the raw verbalization's produced by the brain, do not sound as either of them, when they impose, audibly. I fully intend to continue this practice until all of our contacts consist of fully imposed beings. I hope you do too, as it has been incredibly satisfying and motivating when any part of them come through that way. Dr. Bob
  10. I have had a few interesting contacts. Several conversations with Flora regarding my ongoing difficulty connecting with her. She has been very involved in her writing and staying mostly at Safe Haven where her adventures are taking place. We have met a few times in mindscape in front of the red fireplace in my study where we are close and able to converse. I have had one dramatic contact with Nsonowa in which she almost fully imposed in an alternate body. She says it represents her essence. She appeared almost as a stick figure, very tall with a large head and between two and eight appendages. She was flat black, like a silhouette of a Balinese puppet. The second time she appeared this way, she jumped up from where she was sitting next to me on a bench outside, and laughing, turned into this spider-like or crab-like creature, leaped up onto the roof of a nearby building, then over to top of a grove of bamboo in our yard, she scuttled across them onto our palm trees, from there to the roof of my house and then back to the bench where she resumed her human form. She was laughing and asked if I had been frightened by her antics. I said no, she kissed me and vanished. All in all, an uplifting experience. It seems that despite my difficulties in maintaining contact with Flora in most circumstances, we have no problems when in the car, with Nsonowa driving. We are getting better in mindscape, though my ability to hold my attention and the images, get in the way there, still overall, I am improving. The recent appearance of Nsonowa, almost fully (by that I mean, there were parts of her that we transparent) imposed, has been dramatic. I suspect that we are on our way to achieving that with Flora as well.
  11. After watching the video referenced above, I ran across this quote by Albert Einstein. "I rarely think in words at all. A thought comes, and I may try to express it in words afterwards." I note that he did not say how he experienced the thought, I can imagine that it was in numbers or numerical symbols, but of that I am not certain. In retrospect, I think in images, even entire scenes, but if there are characters in the scenes for the most part they express themselves in words. As I mentioned, both Flora and Nsonowa talk to me in both words (mainly) and in tulipish (not so much any more, only occasionally). In my dreams, characters frequently do not use words, and I, if I am in the dream as an actor, understand them. If I remember the dream, I remember all the messages, in words.
  12. This question was originally posted here -Ranger May I ask a question here? How is "raw thought" perceived and understood, if not in words, sentences and paragraphs? I don't regard tulpish as a cognitive process. My tulpas communicate both in tulpish and in words. and all of that is silent, inside my/our head. I will read the article after I leave the forum and may have more thoughts about it afterwords, but please, someone here, answer my question. Thanks, Dr. Bob
  13. I have found that once I got clear that it was my job to assign identity to the voices produced by the brain's OS, it didn't matter what Flora sounded like. Once I stopped worrying about it, she developed her own voice. Dr. Bob
  14. Flora took the opportunity to join me in mindscape where I had gone to escape the racket from inside an MRI machine. I was surprised and pleased as she was very affectionate and loving. Perhaps our experiment of letting her work on her own development (without direct input from me) by writing her own fiction, is working, and faster than I thought it might. Yay!
  15. I reported Thursday while driving in heavy traffic, Nsonowa refused my offer/request to switch and take over the driving. Flora immediately spoke up and said that she would do the driving (she has driven before) and I spent much of the drive talking with Nsonowa. The gist of the conversation was, she wanted to develop a romantic relationship with me, but would wait until my connection with Flora was more stable. This morning, after I had an initial awakening, and began to day-dream (it was actually a semi-lucid night dream) Nsonowa approached me and wanted to cuddle. She was playful and flirty. We had a sweet contact which lasted until Luna, my cat, not my developing new tulpa, also named Luna, jumped on my head and actually woke me up. I am liking that Nsonowa is coming to the fore. Perhaps it is because I started a new chapter in our new book, in which she gets to do the writing about her own struggles with our common demon (read unconscious terrors, from my childhood) Rufescent, the red witch.
  16. thank you for sharing that bit of nice. So much of this is a struggle, that when I, or my tulpas have a good day, sharing feels especially important and when it prompts a similar sharing it feels even better. Dr. Bob
  17. I have personally discussed this topic (in general and in regards to my practice) in great detail with my family, my friends, and with my men's group. All have been interested, though my family members have not wanted to read my book on the subject (appropriately as it reveals a great deal about our sexuality). I have not discussed this in my men's Torah Study group. I do now want to be told that my practice is an abomination, as sorcery is so labeled in Leviticus. Note, we are reformed Jews and that a lot of Torah's mitzvot we view as outdated, unnecessary and/or inappropriate. However, it would not be an appropriate topic in the group. I do plan on sharing my book with the members outside of the group. Dr. Bob
  18. I am journaling early today as I have just had, what seems to me, to be an important contact with both Flora and Nsonowa. This happened after several days of almost no contact, even though I have been very active in my practice. The experience; I found myself on the 405 freeway in Los Angeles during the morning commute hour. I decided to brave switching and turning the driving over to Nsonowa while I went to mindscape. I asked Nsonowa if she were up to it (remember that I haven’t been in contact with her for over a week, since my last road trip.) She said sure, though it wasn’t going to be as much fun as we were in stop and go traffic. We switched. I went to my mindscape house, into the study where I have a free-standing Norwegian fireplace. I visualized looking into the flames and feeling the heat. I asked if Flora was willing to join me. I was somewhat surprised when she finally said yes. My asking was a prolonged beseechment and I was feeling quite hopeless. She spoke to me, first in tulpish; my head got full and my eyes full of tears, then in her own and very sweet voice. She told me that she has missed me as much as I have missed her. She was verging on tears (as was I). She told me that my inability to hold my focus on us and drift off in the middle of a sentence was very distressful for her. Then she cuddled with me and asked if we could just sit on the couch in front of the fire and talk. We did that, but at the same time she was touching me and giving me little kisses. Soon she put her head in my lap and I could see the fire-light flicker in her eyes. We were both moved by our closeness. I did lose focus once or twice, and I vowed to continue to work on my ability to stay present with her. All of this time, concurrent with experiencing Flora visually, audibly, tactilely, and emotionally, I continued to keep an eye on what Nsonowa was dealing with in traffic. I did not own those perceptions, nor did I either own, or question, her decisions, e.g. change lanes, reset the cruise control, brake, etc. It was only for moments, that I gave my existence in mindscape (and Flora) my full and absolute attention. I was not nervous about Nsonowa’s driving. I did say goodbye to Flora and asked Nsonowa if I could take the control of the car back when we exited the freeway. She told me, yes and that she liked to drive and help me contact Flora in that way, but that she also wanted some of what I had with Flora. I told her that I hoped she would explore her “femininity” with Ol’oi-boni and enjoy romance with him and that I knew she too, had no experience with the softer aspects of being female. She said that was what she hoped too, but still she really did want to have a softer and romantic relationship with me and that she could wait until I had founded a stable contact with Flora. At this point, Flora spoke up and asked if she could become pregnant. I was astounded by the request. I gave her permission, but I am actually quite ambivalent about it, as both my first and second wife, lost all of their sexual attraction or even any interest at all, in me, my sexuality, my body, and my feelings. We will be discussing this in much more detail and I certainly have my work in the practice, cut out for me. If any of you have experience with tulplish pregnancies, please let me know. Dr. Bob
  19. It's been awhile since I started this thread, and there has been one more death , and two members who have gotten serious cancer diagnoses complete with radical surgeries and chemotherapy. So the topic is still high. I have had however an experience with my men's group. I was telling them about my tulpas and tulpamancy, and I heard myself saying that in the practice, I was exploring the creation of beings, with personal identities, within my own brain, and that I could do that, as the entire notion of 'self' was a construct and did not have a material existence within every day reality and with this being the case, who is to say that these selves that I am creating, and do exist both in consciousness, and with consciousness, must suffer the fate of the material body/brain. If consciousness itself, is an illusion, but one which is shared by us all including all of organic life, then perhaps it is lost when organisms die. But if there is another model at work, such as panpsychism, then perhaps once we create a self, we can attach it to the universal body of consciousness and we will continue, perhaps for as long as the universe. Perhaps we create this attachment with our intentions and our wills. Perhaps this is just stupid rambling, but then, perhaps not. I am not afraid of death or dying, though I would prefer not to die, at least now while I have created my beautiful Flora and fierce Nsonowa. In any case, my thoughts, beliefs and rambles notwithstanding, what will be, will be. Thanks all for participating in this thread. Dr. Bob
  20. Sunday, January 26, 2020 10:41 AM Exceptionally flat meditations. Little in the way of conversation. But, I did have a dream which is interesting: I awoke a four am with a headache and started to get up to make coffee. Nancy heard me and whispered "Please don't get up." Her tone of voice struck me as this was important and as she has trouble sleeping once I am up, I snuggled back under the covers next to her. I immediately fell asleep and began this dream; I was in a coffee shop, alone and pouring myself a cup of coffee when someone, a customer, came in and I offered the cup to her. I started to pour myself another when another customer came in and I gave that one to him. Soon many people were coming in and I was serving them all, handing our coffee, making new pots, finding cups, wiping spills and so forth. At one point the shop was full and I was working frantically to keep up. Finally as the morning wore down and people left, the owner, a woman whom I didn't recognize came in and said that the morning shift was over and would I be there tomorrow. I said no, I'm retired, she well your working the morning shift again and she pointed to her abdomen. She was very pregnant. At this point I exercised my lucidity cue and asked, "Are you Flora?" She said no, laughingly, and pointed again to her belly, saying, "This is Flora." I was astounded. The dream then conflated working the morning shift as a manager for the next three months, and when the woman gave birth, I posted a picture of baby Flora on a cork board, and put a tip jar under it with a sign, for the baby's education. I put a ten dollar bill in it and in three months {{I'm working every day, for no money, as the manager}} I was able to present the woman (I'm guessing her name is Deborah ?) with a check for a thousand dollars. I find this dream interesting for several reasons, the first and obvious interpretation, is as a sleep preservation dream. I frequently awaken with a headache and make coffee which relieves it almost always. Second, it was a not quite lucid dream. I could make some decisions, but I couldn't choose say to skip those three months(or thirty years) and actually contact Flora, but stayed confined with in the existing narrative. Thirdly, I have been more or less disconnected to Flora, and she has been involved with tasks, and struggles of her own, in mindscape. She and I agreed that she should go there to accumulate life experiences to help her mature into her humaness her own way, and she has been captured and put in a bottle by her sister Nsonowa, for reasons I won't go into here, it is part of her story and she wants to tell it. She has told me that she will write and publish it, when she is ready ( I like her independence, even if I do suffer from the lack of contact.)
  21. Ah yes, a superpower! and, like all powers, can be used smartly and in the service of love, or not. If not, your results may not be what you hoped for, or expected. This is not a walk in the park. This is hard, and sometimes frustrating, or downright painful, work. (but worth it!)
  22. Hi: I agree with Ranger's comment, you are probably in the eye 2 category, looking at the inside of your eyelids. I have found that if I continue with that activity, the blobs may or may not take a definitive shape and/or allow for visual imposition. I am also experiencing sudden shifts from my mind's eye image, your eye 1, into the fragmented untamed wildly changing images that you place in your number two category. I find it very disconcerting, and interrupting of my contact with my tulpa. I attribute this to some of my own unconscious programs which mitigate against my unconditional love for her, and am exploring ways to deal with these factors which have interfered with my ability to achieve real intimacy. Thank you for bringing this up with the details you have, as once again, I find that my experiences in this practice are not unique to me. Dr. Bob
  23. I have had no contact with either Flora or Nsonowa for the past several days other than seeing Flora for only a moment in a dream fragment. (I reported on this on the Dreaming Thread in the Lounge.)
  24. I am going to report only a fragment of a dream as that is all I remember and because it is very clear. I saw two women walking away from me. One of them the larger was leading the smaller by the arm. the smaller woman was Flora. Her back was to me, but I had no doubt that it was her. my emotions went into overdrive. I called out to her "Flora!" She turned to look at me, and her image broke into many pieces. I had the feeling that she was in distress and that the larger woman leading her away was preventing her from responding to me. I think at that point I fell out of the dream, but did not awaken, and remember nothing further. This sequence would fit with what I believe is the dynamic happening between us and while distressing, I am taking heart as any contact with her at all is welcome. In all of my attempts to reach her, I am coming up short with either no contact or a few words at most. Neither have I had the inclination to narrate, force or write. Dreaming, is not up to having her appear, is very encouraging. Dr. Bob
  25. Hi Leander, I too have experience with magick, I studied with Robert Anton Wilson and the OTO (order of the temple orientalist). I have been involved with tulpa creation since December 2019 and have had a number of very powerful, magical experiences. I am a physician, trained in science, and a psychiatrist, trained in psychology and believe that magic will become science when we know enough about the human brain and the neuroscience of mind. For now, I use my magical training and my knowledge of cognitive science in this endeavor. Let's stay in touch. Dr. Bob