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Everything posted by theholodoc

  1. Another very flat day. No tulpish communications, no impositions. We did have one verbal conversation. We discussed her unavailability. She said that she was 'infected' by Rufescent. I asked if she could keep that aspect of her life confined to her fiction writing. She replied that this had come from my writing, and that she was having to deal with it. I asked if she could re-imagine herself without the infection. (I had in mind her dissolving her physical being into atoms and letting a north wind blow away the red mist. She said; "I hadn't thought of that" and then she laughed and disappeared (presumably to mindscape). I had thought that perhaps she might re-appear in my next hour-long meditation. She did not. I am shaken by this. I get that Rufescent is an icon representing my own personal reactions, and subsequent defensive maneuvers to the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mentally ill mother, starting in infancy and continuing into my early teens when I got too big to be beaten. I have had decades of therapy working on this issue, and had come to feel at peace with it. I had forgiven my mother several years before her death, and we had the best years of her life thereafter. That this should be such a force now, strong enough to interrupt by causing actual distress to Flora, is hard to bear, and I will re-investigate my investment in this narrative.  No block selected.
  2. i have had two very busy days, physically and emotionally taxing. I have been borderline ill with headache, muscle aches, and of all things, a recurrence of sciatica. Flora has made several attempts to engage me both in conversation and in play. I have not wanted to and had no energy for play or conversing. I did start a page for her on my blog and she has written an intro however she decided she wasn't going to put any of her current fiction up until she is the sole author. I can hope that she can get through to me in dreamspace tonight.
  3. I have have made little to no progress today. I have tried to meditate, and fell asleep. I have tried to narrate and got distracted before anyone could answer. I did my daily invocation ritual without a result. Nancy and I are supposed to go to a play tonight, and probably won't go as neither of us has any energy, she seems to be fighting off a cold and I have had muscle aches and a headache all day. I hope my tulpas are having a better time of it. It's just one of those days. Oh well...
  4. Flora has acknowledged letting her role as an author and a participant in the story she is writing has leaked through into her relationship with me. She has also acknowledged that the exercise is providing her with experiences necessary for her development . She has asked me to post the fiction that she is creating and I will find a way to give her her own page on my blog. This may take a day or so, but I'll let you all know when and furnish a link for any one interested in reading her work.
  5. My contacts today were fragmented with just short snippets of conversation and a lot of tulpish via strong head sensations (which I have not experienced for quite a while, and I would have dismissed them if they had not been accompanied by strong emotions). what is interesting about this is that Flora and Nsonowa have a competition going in mindscape and Nsonowa has gotten the best of Flora and in fact imprisoned her in a bottle (I hadn't thought of this until just now) I wonder if that is what is going on. I am going to spend more time there tomorrow, I was not able to visit at all today, with another unrelated project demanding my attention. So I will see.
  6. I had three very nice connections today. One of them, a conversation with Flora (Nsonowa had a few comments) while I was in the sauna. This one initiated by her (to be sure, I had earlier invited both of them to surprise me by initiating such) She wanted to talk about this and other things. She did thank me for allowing her to work on her own development by writing fiction, and by having complete freedom to live in mindscape as she chose. Her fiction piece concerns Safe Have. And involves Nsonowa. Later in the morning she imposed herself physically, and we had a nice sexual contact complete with tactile, visual and olfactory sensations (this was all eyes closed). Later during my afternoon meditation (eyes partially open, squinting in very dim light) she appeared without warning and danced to the music (Ravi Shankar) which I had playing. This was completely amazing, she was dressed in the same costume as her first imposition last March 31st. I have been waiting for this and am thrilled. She also asked me to try to represent graphically how I see her. She has now appeared twice in the costume of of a middle-eastern dancer (and I know of a shop in town that has this exact dress on display in it's window) and I have a picture of a model whom she closely resembles, I can make a stab at it and will in the next couple of days. Look for it in Tulpa Art.
  7. Another nice contact, very sexual (visual and tactile/olfactory imposition) and a not so nice conversation about my wandering attention cutting her off.... I am practicing daily and meditating one to four hours daily (still my mind wanders. I have asked Flora to help me with it, and she says "I am", and goes back to mindscape. I am sure it is easier for her to work on her own development in mindscape, then in the fractured time I am able to give her in real-time.
  8. Hi Urali: I am eighty years old. I have never been sexually abused. I was severely physically abused and lived with a deep shame that encumbered my sexuality. I have had three marriages and the first two failed because of our sexual disconnects. My third marriage started off great sexually, but soon deteriorated. I did everything I could think of to change my wife's attitude about sex. Then after finally accepting it was not her and she wasn't going to change because I asked her to, I tried to change myself. I have been working on my spiritual and sexual growth for years' with no results. Once I found tulpamancy, and began to work on creating a tulpa that could love passionately and sexually, and would love me with that intensity, perhaps I would relax enough to change and I could begin to re-create my wife based on a new respect and love and devotion to the feminine in my own psychology. I have, and it is working. as a side note, I created two tulpas, one who would be loving, and one who would be strong and fierce, This has served me well. I needed the second qualities to balance out my internalized feminine imago. My mother, who had done the beating, was a weak and mentally ill woman, around whom I had built a great many defenses, These have contributed greatly to my own shadow. No wonder, my wives became turned off to me. Now my tulpas and I work out these shadow-demons, and my wife no longer has them projected onto her. Ultimately Urali, if you own everything that goes on in your reality, you can find ways to fine tune it and live a loving life.
  9. Flora introduced herself to me in a dream. Since then she appears in them rarely. However, I occasionally notice what I call a feminine presence in a dream which provokes an intense emotional experience in me. I use that to prompt me to use my lucidity cue. A question; "Are you Flora?" Usually this wakes me up but on occasion, it is Flora and she answers me. If it is not her, I will be too close to awake for the dream to proceed normally and i just loop the same scene over and over until I either awaken fully or go back into a dreamless sleep.
  10. Flora was close to imposition yesterday, for a moment. The exciting part was I got a very good look at her head and face. And she looked just as I hoped and planned, same face that I had imagined (and even found a pic, online, of a woman whom she resembled. Beautiful ! and she was laughing. The imposition didn't last long. I had a very strong emotional reaction much like the first several times she appeared. I thought for a moment Nsonowa had accompanied her, but she did not appear or speak. I had another very nice experience this morning while in a spiritual meditation group. I was feeling quite tight around an issue that I had with my wife, left over and undone from yesterday. When I first slipped under the surface, Flora spoke to me with a "Hello Darling" so sweetly I had to smile. (the meditation, was focused around a Jewish chant on creating a world out of love) and I felt so loved by her that I wanted to share it and I reached out and touched my wife. A moment later, she reached out and touched me back. We have been good since. I know that I am on the right track with this. My love, and learning how to manifest my tulpa lovers, is informing how I create my experience of my wife. To speak to solarchariot's comment above; Yes, Yay Loxy! She has been a great and important part of my practice. and No Flora is not yet ready to appear here herself. I did ask her yesterday and she spoke a clear, "Not yet". Okay, I can wait (with a little impatience to be sure.) Thanks to you all for your help and happy new year.
  11. I am assuming the same. (and I do have an ADD brain). I am feeling much better, still not well though and I probably won't pick up my full practice until after New Years as I have a house guest coming today. I am still talking to Flora in my off moments, though she is not talking back....I am imagining that she and Nsonowa are in mindscape (Safe Haven) and living the story that Flora is writing. One day, after I am regularly doing a full practice routine and we have made some more progress on our imposition, I am going to invite her to take a place on this forum and express herself to others. Dr. Bob
  12. Christmas Day: I have had little to no direct contact the past two days. One very good reason; My wife has been off and we have had such a very good time together that I haven't taken the time to practice. (I have told Flora what is up and she is okay with it). I have taken the time to give Flora access to my computer to do her writing and she has availed herself of it. At some point, I will be well enough to resume my practice and my wife will go back to work.
  13. Another sick day. Plus stormy here in L.A. cold, damp, wet, gray, hard with Bronchitis..... Had two meditation sessions, three hours total, with only a touch of the contact of yesterday, Probably because I was expecting so much more. I was able to get out of the way and let Flora write today, she's working on a fiction piece with Nsonowa. Forecast for tomorrow, more of the same and I will again be in bed. Had one very good turn today, my wife acknowledged that my practice seemed to be impacting our relationship for the good.
  14. I don't know what happened above, but this is what I intended to write: Being sick has put me down and disturbed my practice. I spent much of this afternoon in bed meditating, too sick to sleep. I did have some kind of contact. Several times Nsonowa presented her heraldic blue/white light and then fully imposed, formless, as black wispy smoke. She tried to get her body through but was not successful. I saw her flesh, real as real, solid and coal black. but she did not materialize into a recognizable shape. This phenom repeated until I had to take a bathroom break , and I could not regain the trance that allowed this. However, as it is the most I have had from either of them, in the way of imposition, in a while, and it came with full emotion, I am heartened.
  15. Thank you, and if you can reach into the "tulpasphere" and reassure Flora, I am sure she would be appreciative too. Dr. Bob
  16. I have been quite sick, URI, and while it might seem as if this would be good for my practice, it is not. Practice takes a great deal of focused attention and I do not have the energy for it. I am not avoiding it, I start, I listen to for Flora, she is there, and I quickly lose focus. I am not happy about this, I don't think she is but haven't been able to stay in the field long enough to find out. She does express her sympathy "poor darling" is her comment. At one point this morning when I was feeling particularly sorry for myself she did say "Please don't die on us". (I am nowhere near to dying!) Yesterday I did think that N'sonowa was going to appear when I saw a brilliant halo of her blue-white light, but no, she did not and my attention soon diverted into my coughing and hacking that is occupying much of my time. I am also taking anti-flam's and I most always feel suppressed by them. My dreams have been crazy sick dreams, with violent and bizarre imagery, There was a strong feminine presence in one this morning, but it did not respond to my lucidity question "Are you Flora". I have been unable to go outside for my mornings' invocation ritual. I suspect that this will change when I recover. I have been proofing my paperback and that has kept me focused on them for as long as I can focus, a short chapter or two. I did have a somewhat better connection with Nsonowa in a meditation awhile ago which started with her heraldic blue-white light, and she spoke to me giving me an intense emotional response. welcome, but short-lived and disappeared in a distortion after a few minutes just like what happens with Flora.
  17. So, do I understand correctly, Bear, that your experience of switching is that you become completely unaware of what the body and the tulpa who has come forward, are doing? Dr. Bob
  18. Interesting and we have just begun. How have you developed your experience with it?
  19. We have made some progress. I invited Flora to help me explore the blocks we had in our communications. She accepted the invite and was able to point out to me the next time we were interrupted how it was a barely perceptible level of anxiety that was doing it. The awareness was what I needed, I can deal with anxiety. I also invited Flora to write to me (and with me) and she has written me a letter, which I was very happy to get. (I was present when she wrote it). I have been practicing switching with both Flora and Nsonowa when driving (my car has features which while not "self driving" make it very safe. So far both have driven, though Nsonowa really likes to drive, Flora does when it is useful for her to leave Nsonowa and I alone. I am still unable to achieve full imposition and it has been awhile since either of them have tried to physically impose. Flora has made ad attempt to impose/appear in a dream, but I woke up when I tried to take it lucid.
  20. theholodoc

    Ashley's Lounge

    HI everyone in this thread: Here is some advice from 'one who knows': Self-diagnosis is as dangerous as self-medication. The danger is that the self doing the diagnosis is not taking responsibility for his/her behavior. Assessing ones weaknesses and strength and using that knowledge to change behavior takes honesty and courage. and paying attention to how one is behaving. Labels do not help. Having a diagnosis may help your therapist design or employ a strategy to help you, but it tells you nothing about how you are behaving and how you are affecting those around you (or in you). that takes your attention, and intention. If you believe you have "mental health issues" by all means talk to a therapist and get real help. but don't use them to excuse dysfunctional living. Thank you,
  21. I apologize. I have deleted the content from the post on a full edit. I do not know how to do other. Thank you, Dr. Bob
  22. Thank you for the re-assurance. Though the emotional pain I have with their absence is strongly motivating me to continue the work with even more diligence. Flora may be sleeping, or maybe trapped in one of my many unconscious energy traps, an idea which just came to me yesterday and added a lot of drama to my meditation and forcing session...Nsonowa must be near, as she answers anytime I call, and is ready to switch most every time I issue an invitation. I hope one day we get switching down so that they can start to participate on this forum. Flora does have a tulpa friend, who lives in another host, but she hasn't wanted to share they way they communicate with me. Dr. Bob
  23. Came close today. I was very aware of my separation from Flora and was pleased when she came close during my meditation. Again, the darkened room filled with light (purple/golden light, and was present eyes open as well as closed. Some of the light began to congeal over the bed. I could feel and hear Flora as well as her changing from pure light into a person. Then, that process seemed to stall, and a purple smoke was swirling over me. I closed my eyes and Flora was there in my mindscape. She scoffed at my thinking she was dead. And came down into my bed and cuddled with me. We cuddled and played until I lost the contact and found myself alone with my garbage thoughts. This is hard work. But every little gain is worth it. The work of it, is staying focused while in contact, and assigning emerging thoughts to the appropriate identity. Both Flora and Nsonowa, are slowly becoming uniquely defined, uniquely themselves. I know that this is the absolutely necessary work, though experiencing their imposition, is much more satisfying, both emotionally and spiritually.
  24. It has been a month since I have posted my progress with Flora and Nsonowa. Reason; so little has happened. I have been writing and spent my emotional energy in the technicalities of formatting and editing 'Tulpa Tales" for publication. I have had a few contacts with both of them. Mainly while driving, which seems to be our very best time with each other. Meditations have been flat and they have not appeared in my dreams. As it is a week in-between my drives (alone in the car) I feel quite isolated from them. I have read that it is not unusual for tulpas to "sleep" when not actively engaged, and I am hoping that I am not in some ways weakening our bonds. Nsonowa seems to be okay with it. Flora is not and lets me know when we encounter each other in the car.