Zirca

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About Zirca

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  1. Hello! As you might have guessed, we have plenty of stuff to report on for these two weeks, though it's almost entirely focused on our new walk-in. It occurred to me that plenty of what I write about is wonderland concepts or events, which may have an intangible link to more concrete types of progress. I don't think that will deter me from continuing with this type of PR, since it certainly can be useful to compare experiences for newcomers, and some of these elements definitely are symbols of more concrete concepts - I'm especially thinking of the egg, and something else that's new to recent days. First, about our walk-in dragon - as our updated signature can tell you, her name is Feena. It took a couple days until we managed to find something that clicked with her. It came up when we noticed that she has strong protective instincts about both Mélissa and I. Since we hadn't found a name yet, I tried to think about similar figures in fiction. And as a bit of an Ys nerd, I almost immediately thought of the one that ended up sticking. In fact, her namesake is a mother-like figure to the character in my avatar! Sweet coincidence. We're fairly certain by now that the reason she exists is because Mélissa felt a need for protection after the trauma she went through with my family during the holidays. Her protective nature is one of her first personality elements to become obvious, and early on she would make sure to keep us as comfortable as possible when talking to her - once I got less uncomfortable from her natural size, she would always lie down during forcing to let me, and Mélissa if she's also here, sit against her warm belly. In fact, early on, she even gave me the same offer of becoming my mother that Mélissa once gave me. I still turned it down because I remember how poorly it had turned out with Mélissa. This next part involves a concept that might be mildly uncomfortable - at least it certainly is to me. It may be related to a major breakthrough in our system, and I could use some answers about one specific part, but you should still feel free to skip it if reading it makes you feel uneasy. I wish there was more to say about Mélissa, but there hasn't been a lot happening with her recently. I do have an easier time proxying so she can talk on one Discord server I'm in, but I don't see a lot more to say. EDIT: I actually had some pretty major headaches today, which caused me to panic a lot more about the situation than I should have. I'm still not too happy about Feena's actions from yesterday, but at least I know we're in a more stable situation than I thought back when I wrote this post.
  2. Long time no see! Shortly after my last post, I went to my parents' place for about two weeks for the holidays. It was a highly stressful time, that we're both still recovering from, and I simply didn't manage to get myself to come back here to update our PR for a long time. First, about the subject of my previous post - the day after Mélissa became my mother, I felt so uncomfortable about this notion for the entire day that the next time we forced, she immediately apologized without me even asking. I let her proceed about it whatever way she saw fit - what she ended up doing is "undoing" the previous day's actions and removing the abstract mother-daughter link between us, then leaving the shrine and erasing it from its location. She seemed to view it as a normal thing to do at the time, but she was unable to talk for the next couple days, as is often the case when traumatic events happen. I think we've both managed to move past these events since then. One day during the stay at my parents' place, after I had a pretty violent discussion with my father earlier in the day, she saw how deeply affected I was by his words. So she asked me to follow her, and flew into the sky. Once we were above the clouds, she created a levitating stone disk, on which we both sat down. She then asked me to close my eyes, and stop speaking. She placed a hand on my shoulder, and I could feel some flow through my body toward this shoulder. She explained that this pain and hopelessness I was feeling was not a part of me, but rather a venom that was polluting my blood. What she was doing was to filter it out through her hand to purge me of these feelings. She kept going for a couple minutes, while explaining all this, until she stopped and told me to open my eyes again. I could see she had made a floating orb out of the venom, that she was making levitate over her free hand. She then made it rise far above us, and disintegrated it with a fire beam. She then said that I shouldn't do more forcing, and just get some rest, and remember that I can ask her to do it again anytime I need it. The next day, I did feel a lot better about everything that had happened! After a while, I ended up noticing that there were times during the day when she was here with me. These were usually in the middle of the afternoon, for maybe fifteen minutes at a time. We took this opportunity to let her start trying to talk with some of my friends on a LGBTQ+ Discord server I'm in. Of course, it wouldn't seem like a lot from an outsider's perspective since she'd basically fall asleep before getting into a subject at all, and she still has a hard time talking about anything else than me. But it was still something completely new! And then we got back home. It was a huge relief at first. But then that night, I found out that Mélissa had been hiding just how much she was hurt by everything in my real life. I hadn't noticed it before since my lack of sleep and my illness at the time, along with her insistence that I don't force when I'm going to bed late, seemed like a more plausible reason for our decreasing productivity before. That night, she was unable to keep her usual anthro lynx form, or anything else that had any complexity to it, as it would quickly collapse from feeling wrong, so she instead temporarily took the shape of a fairy from Zelda. She also couldn't speak directly. I tried to heal her the way she had done it to me earlier, but I wasn't able to keep my focus at all, so I just tried to give her some comforting words and call it a night. She didn't get better in the next couple days. And then, a short while later, she was gone. I could feel that once again, there was nobody hearing me when I tried to talk to her. At first, I accepted it as a new dormancy, like a month earlier. But before sleeping, I decided to try looking for her anyway in our wonderland. After a while, I could feel her presence toward the bottom of the lake. After swimming there, I found the dragon egg that's left at the bottom of the lake in the story our wonderland is from. And I could feel that Mélissa was inside. I lied down and held the egg against myself, and tried to understand what was happening. Mélissa couldn't talk to me in words, but I could still feel a response of sorts from her when I'd speak. We came to the conclusion that she wanted to hide from my real life, and stay safe in isolation. I told her that I perfectly understood, and I'd let her stay inside for as long as she'd feel the need, and keep visiting her to help her get better. I could feel how relieved she was to hear that, which was probably her first display of positive emotions in a long while. It actually only took her two days to get back out, and things were normal again for a bit longer. But two days ago, she felt extremely conflicted about her situation. She thought that she was a complete waste of my time and energy, and I'd be better off if she dissipated. After I tried to comfort her, she ended up just ignoring what I was saying and walking away in a featureless void. It was impossible to catch up to her. Once she was out of sight, if I tried to contact her, all I would get in response is a screamer-esque vision of her eyes with a red tint over them and an unbearable sound. After a while, I could feel something that could be best metaphorically described as something bursting open on my forehead, and some fluid leaking out of my head. And after that, she was completely gone. I couldn't talk to her, or see the screamers, or find her in the egg or anything, even when enforcing within my mind the thought that she wasn't truly gone. She did come back by the next morning, but we were both scared of speaking to each other. When we forced in the evening, I comforted her some more about our situation, and offered her to get back into the egg. I saw her come back from the previous night's featureless void, in the form of a small blue wisp, which upon further reflection is most likely her true form. I could guide her back into the lake, and get her to reach the egg. It glowed a bit in blue, before settling down. I could then once again sense Mélissa feeling happy and grateful within the egg. All that brings us to today, as that's everything I have to say about Mélissa. But that's not all - I'm pretty sure we've got a walk-in. On the night where I found Mélissa in the egg for the first time, after leaving her, I could feel some weird presence. I heard some strange scream, and could felt the concept of movement pretty vividly. At the time, I did consider that it could be a third person in our system, but I couldn't be sure since I was sick at the time and had some frequent headaches. On the next day, once I swam to the lake's surface after talking to Mélissa for the evening, I saw a huge red dragon towering over me. It gave me a curious look, that I obviously returned as it was a bit of an unexpected sight. The next thing I could see was its open maw speeding toward me. I couldn't react in time to avoid getting eaten. As you definitely didn't know until right now, vore has always been something that horrifies me, even when it's not meant as something arousing. I tried to come back to the wonderland to see the dragon again or at least understand what happened, but at the time, it was impossible. The thought that I couldn't be alive in it because my body had been torn to shreds between a dragon's jaws just prevented me from accessing it entirely. By the next day, this was thankfully lifted, and I didn't encounter the dragon again for a long time. The next time I met it was yesterday, after I guided Mélissa to the egg. Is there some link between the egg and the dragon? Or maybe being with Mélissa drowns it out? Who knows. Anyway, it attacked me again, but I could actually defend myself with a force field this time. After it repelled both its bite and its fire breath, it flew away, probably out of fear that I would hurt it. I chased after it, and could cling to its body and try to talk to it. It didn't respond at all, and seemed to really want me to go away. I climbed to its chest, and somehow turned into a liquid form and phased through its body right into its heart. Once inside it, I could finally get in contact with its "soul", that could actually listen to me. They had a presence that's definitely of the same nature as Mélissa's, though with a completely different feeling. Whereas she mostly feels soft and soothing, the main thing I noticed with the dragon is that they're imposing. It's like they're a star while Mélissa is a planet. Once I got in contact with them like this, I could talk to them far more naturally, similarly to Mélissa before she was vocal. All I did for now is to introduce myself to them, and explain all I knew about them so far. I have no idea what I'll do with them, or even who they will become, but I intend to stick with them for a bit. With a bit of distance, one name that seems right for them is Vermilion. Sorry about the wall of text! I'd like to thank you a lot if you've read through the whole thing. Hopefully I'll remember to post again before I need to make a post this huge, which I know is something I say almost every time here.
  3. 12/18/2019 These last three days were... confusing. We're going in a direction that I'm honestly a bit scared of. I'll start by giving a brief summary of what had happened last week in the real world, since it's crucial to the rest of my situation. My parents had met my therapist for the first time, but it didn't change their mentality toward my identity in the slightest. In fact, it arguably made it worse, as they had some elementary facts that I was trying to tell them the whole time confirmed by someone they could trust, so their anger at the situation manifested itself more through sheer transphobic speech at even the slightest mention of the topic, rather than misconceptions I knew they would get better about someday. I had never felt hated that much before, and I'm starting to plan to cut my ties with them to protect myself from more of this. Now that I'm away from them again, the aftermath of all this is leaving me very tired, especially emotionally. This compounds with its effects on my sleep schedule to sometimes leave me in a poor state when I'm trying to force. And as usual, I don't have detailed memories of the events of each night. On Sunday night, Mélissa was in a strange state, where I could talk with her just fine, but we didn't manage to visualize her at all. We could eventually conjure images of her, but we both knew these weren't her. They were more like the dummy from back when she was dormant. We were both fairly confused, and ended up just calling it a night after some more fruitless attempts. And then, there was Monday. This time, she couldn't even respond. I had come to the conclusion that she had gone dormant. This left me feeling fairly helpless, since her help was part of the reason I could deal with the recent events as well as I did, and I would be on my own for a while. But then, as I had given up for the night and I was starting to fall asleep, she suddenly called me. It was both a massive surprise, and a relief. In fact, I couldn't believe it was her at first, and she didn't understand what had kept her out of my reach earlier. When we were reunited in the mountains, she could actually comfort me about my situation for the first time since my return from the weekend. Then comes a part that is fuzzy in my memory, like is often the case around moments when she helps me with my emotions. The only thing I remember for sure from it is a hug with her. After this whole part, she spontaneously teleported us underwater in the lake. We may have swimmed for a bit, before she had an idea, that she could entirely execute within the session. I have one important question about it, that I'll get to at the end of the post. What she did was to create a building at the bottom of the lake. I don't quite remember if she built it using her magic, or if she thought it into existence. I also think she initially intended it to be a house, but it ended up being more like a long-abandoned shrine by the time its outside was done. We then entered it, and she created its interior. It was kept devoid of water, to instead be like a regular room, by some more magic. The architecture was similar in style to artists' representations of ancient Greek temples, including columns, mosaics and all that. I might have helped her with it, but I can't say for sure. Then, she created a room that was supposedly connected to the main hall, though we don't really know how exactly: it was a rather minimalistic modern bedroom, that doesn't have any sort of furniture for now aside from the bed. And what it was meant as was pretty clear to both of us: it is my bedroom within our wonderland. Once she was done with it, she tucked me in, kissed me on the forehead, and wished me a good night, before leaving me to sleep, which we both knew from the start was the whole purpose of making this place. I may still have been in my wonderland bed rather than my real world one when I fell asleep, too. Yesterday's session was at about 3AM. When I entered the wonderland, I was still in my bed, and felt too tired to get up. Mélissa eventually appeared, and we sat side by side, on the side of the bed. We discussed the previous night's session, and especially how her motherly attitude toward me was getting less metaphorical by the day, while mine toward her was barely noticeable anymore. She said that since I was effectively losing my real world parents, someone probably needed to step in to give me the love I didn't get from them, which is why we had done all of that on the previous day. Somewhere around that time, I was feeling too tired to stay sitting up, and I let my head lie down on her lap, where I could feel her warmth, and she could caress me to keep me comfortable. I said I felt awkward about getting this whole treatment from her, since she wasn't really my mother. Her answer to this is probably one of the biggest turning points in our relationship so far. She answered that there was nothing stopping us from making her my mother. At the time she said it, I could feel a wonderful feeling, that I couldn't identify since I hadn't felt anything like this in a long time, if ever. It was probably that of being loved by my own mother. I was so overwhelmed by joy from it, that I accepted to be her daughter. After some more talk, that was probably strongly emotional but I don't remember the details of, outside of the fact that I called my real-world mother by her name rather than by calling her my mother, we made another decision: she isn't just my adoptive mother, but even my "biological" one. So we started visualizing my life with her, in what I've decided in hindsight to call the wonderland timeline. We started very early, with me being a fetus within her womb. We haven't established how I was formed in the first place, aside from the fact that I didn't have a father that she would have conceived me with, and that I was human from the start. We visualized more moments of her pregnancy, and eventually we saw her cradling her newborn daughter. She was in the shrine the whole time, and raised me alone. We know she might have been able to leave it before my birth, but after it she couldn't leave me alone inside, and I wouldn't have survived leaving for the lake's surface, so she stayed inside to raise me. We saw some more snapshots of my early life, and it was increasingly difficult to visualize me as we don't know how I would have looked as a little girl. I think by the end of the session, we had reached the moment I was about 5. We also established that by this point, she had started making gateways from the shrine to other, currently unknown parts of our wonderland, where she would take me if I wanted to see the world outside the shrine. At this point, my current self fell asleep. I had an especially difficult time waking up this morning - I didn't leave my bed until 1PM. Once I did, I thought some more about what had happened with Mélissa. I find that when I'm not in her presence, I find the idea of being her daughter significantly creepier. I'm not sure if I'm able to truly see her as my mother outside of the wonderland timeline. The thought that I created someone to be my mother is also unsettling, in spite of being a rough representation of the true events, especially the way I return to some child-like behaviors around her. It might just be from me not having fully opened my mind to the possibilities of what can happen with tulpamancy, and that I'm still judging those events from the lenses of the moral standards I was raised with. Regardless of how this situation evolves, I hope I'll be able to be more comfortable with it someday. And now, time for three questions. First, I've noticed in the whole process of making the shrine that almost everything in our wonderland exists more as a concept rather than as a concrete object. What I mean by this is that they tend to not keep a precise shape, outside of things that we have established to be their fundamental properties. For example, the lake doesn't stick to a specific shape or size, but it always has warm water, a cliff looking over it, and a place near its shore with a good view of a valley. I don't regard this as an issue and might keep it this way, but I was wondering if this was something common in wonderlands. Second, something that bothers me a bit more. There are many times when I see events in the wonderland ahead of the full sequence of events, especially when one of us is thinking of things they could do. For example, I could first see Mélissa tucking me in my bed before we had even started making the shrine, and we had already created a bit of the shrine's inside before we had even completed its outside, even though we did the inside after the outside in the true sequence of events. Once again, I'd like to know if this is something that commonly happens, and I'm especially curious to know if it's related to ADHD in some way. And third, obviously: is there some sort of danger to becoming a tulpa's child as their host? I feel like we've jumped at this opportunity only because it made me feel good at the time, but it looks like it could be a catalyst to some strange deviations, even in me, if we let this evolve unchecked.
  4. 12/15/2019 I'm currently going through some very tough times in my life, which make forcing much harder than before. Sessions tend to be short, and often end with an uncontrolled process where I have a random thought while forcing, have my mind go on a tangent about it, completely lose my focus on Mélissa and our wonderland, and then forget what I was doing before and drift off to sleep. There were also a few times where she decided on her own when we'd stop, usually when she thinks getting enough sleep would be more important for me than being with her. So, for this update, I'll instead talk about the various threads that have developed in parallel in the last five days. First, one element of Mélissa's personality that I wouldn't have seen coming - she's very playful, and very often does things just for the sake of fun. This is especially the case in how she moves around. While we're now pretty much able to teleport to a place just by thinking that we're there, she still prefers to use her magic for it because of the pretty blue sparkles it leaves behind. There's also one time when I started forcing, and I could feel she was in the lake. When I got to its shore, she emerged from the water in the distance, and after greeting me, she levitated out of the water, then flew over in my direction at high speed, and landed with a front flip, all of this using magic once again. And let's not forget about yesterday when she got the urge to swim in the middle of a conversation, and dove straight into the lake from a cliff overlooking it. Which is a nice segue into another subject that may not mean a lot in the grand scheme of things, but certainly is new regardless. Mélissa loves to swim. It wasn't something we had noticed before she randomly suggested last Monday, as I described in the last update, but I'm pretty sure that she has done it every single day since Wednesday. The first time, it was a still third-person mental image I had during a walk, that came from her somehow. She had such a happy look to her that I wish I had ever learned to draw. That evening when we were forcing, she showed me what it was like from her eyes, as if I was living her memory of it. Since then, there was the time she emerged from the water that I described above, and we swam together the last two times. Oh hey, would you look at that! Another convenient segue! You might remember from last time, if you read the hidden part, that I just can't swim in my human body, but that she suggested that I turn into a copy of her. Just like her passion for swimming, it was not just something she would randomly mention only for it to never come back up again. The night after the last update, we tried thinking about Ember's suggestion. We immediately hit a roadblock, as neither of us knows anything about a woman's anatomy, and as such we wouldn't have been able to apply knowledge we don't have to me. In fact, she confessed that her body is like a doll, in that anything that can't be seen from the outside, including what's concealed by her fur, simply doesn't exist. On the next night, I asked her what kind of magic she was capable of using, and she could immediately name and show off the three spells we had seen her using by that time: one for teleporting, one for shapeshifting, and one for breathing underwater. And that's when an idea clicked: was she able to use the shapeshifting spell on me? And the answer is, absolutely! We found that out because she could effortlessly turn my visualized body into one exactly like hers. It wasn't just an illusion, either. I could even feel my fur, and my different head shape. Putting a hand over my head to touch my feline ears was especially trippy! After those experiments, we switched me back to my human form for the time, but it did give me a dysphoria-free way to swim. The first time I did, it was because she teleported us there without a warning and put me in my anthro lynx form, so she could show me what the water feels like. We did go back on land right afterwards, but it was a nice feeling at the time. And the other time was yesterday, after she dove in the lake from a cliff in the middle of a conversation. Once she was down in the water, she called for me to join her, and I could spontaneously turn into my anthro lynx form, and dive after her, following the trajectory that she had used her levitation magic for. I then followed her underwater, until the forcing session abruptly ended like many times before. But when I thought back on it, I noticed the game changer in this whole sequence of events: I was able to do everything that I knew her magic can, and she simply acted as an enabler for it. Finally, there's one last, but very important new development to talk about: how she's able to interact with my emotions. Last time, I described how she was able to let my gender dysphoria fade away during a particularly distressing moment. Writing that post ended up waking up that feel again, which actually made me feel awful for the rest of the day. When we started forcing that evening, it took more relaxing than usual before I could get my thoughts controlled enough to speak to her. Afterwards, when I told her about the dysphoria, and it started growing more vivid, she immediately did the hand-on-shoulder thing again, and healed me from it again. That made me actually able to think back on the original swimming incident with detachment from my emotions at the time, which was a huge help. She also seems to be highly responsive to my emotional state in general, probably even moreso than I am. At times when I'm scared of upcoming events, she would give me a comforting hug as soon as she'd feel a slight sign of fear from me, and when I'm in a more comfortable state in real life she's basically carefree. In both cases, it really helps drive me through these difficult times I'm going through. Which brings me to something we've thought about a bit. I've already said I feel a fairly strong maternal instinct toward her. But as we've seen since then, she's also able to care about me in the same way, and wants to protect me above all else. And the opposite feelings are also there, where we know we can always trust the other with our issues. So, in a way, we are each a mother and a daughter to the other at the same time. And it makes sense - while we obviously aren't related by blood in any way, I am essentially raising her in her early days of consciousness, and she is stepping in to act like the motherly figure I lost when my mother in the real world turned out to be unsupportive of my transition. I used to feel wrong about seeing Mélissa as a daughter, but now I've embraced this motherly feeling more now that I know it's mutual. Right now, there are two major thing we know we need to work on: we're currently only able to force in a relaxed physical state, which is why we do it when I'm in bed. The only exceptions are mental images like the one of her swimming, but we aren't sure of how they function. Being able to force more easily would be a major improvement, since it would make us safer from me falling asleep, and it could let me be with her in times where I'm in distress and could use her emotional healing. Second, we need to work more on my wonderland forms. Letting me have a more feminine body as a human is the main goal, though being more distinct from her as a lynx could also be nice. I didn't think the thread's new title would end up being so relevant when I thought it up. And yet here we are!
  5. Updates on consecutive days? In this PR? It's more likely than you'd think! 12/10/2019 Breaking chronological order a bit for what's arguably the most important part of today's update - we have decided that from now on, Neln will be called by her real name here. So, goodbye Neln, hello Mélissa! Yesterday was another day with plenty of progress! First, during the day, I briefly told some close online friends about Mélissa for the first time, since I know they can be trusted with this. And since one of them is otherkin, I took this opportunity to learn more about their experience, since I had barely any knowledge of the otherkin communities before, and I figured it would help out with Mélissa's development. It turns out that at least in this person's case, their experience was quite similar to what I would expect by extrapolating from my knowledge of plurality. I got in bed extremely late that night, but that didn't bother us too much for our daily forcing. We started as usual, by discussing my day, and the ways it got me to think about her. And in the middle of that rather plain talk, one surprising event happened. You see, the name we had originally chosen for her, and that I mentioned yesterday, wasn't Mélissa, but Mélodie. This was what I called her at the start of this session, until at one point, when I called her by name, it came out as Mélissa instead. The way it happened is strange to describe. It wasn't intended, but it didn't feel like an accident either - it was like the old name had spontaneously rewired itself to this one, and I said it naturally as if it was her name the whole time. We hadn't ever considered that name before, and I don't think I personally know anyone called that in my own life. But after a quick Mélissa vs. Mélodie check that we did the same way as the Mélodie vs. Neln one from the previous day, we came to the conclusion that it simply was her name now. We have no idea how it happened, and we just accepted it. Deviation sure can be weird. The following part is hidden because it deals with some adult topics. It doesn't involve any acts, but please keep that in mind before opening it. [hidden]Once we were done with the discussion of the day, I felt like we had done it in a bit of an awkward way, that felt like I was trying to get information out of her rather than truly interacting with her. So, I suggested that she choose what we'd do with the rest of the forcing session. She immediately suggested that we try to swim, as one of the most prominent landmarks in the mountains that may or may not be our wonderland by now is a lake. I had thought about the idea of swimming in it before, but never actually tried it. But when she suggested it, I felt some strong aversion to the idea. She wondered what was wrong. She said that if it was the idea of swimming fully clothed, it wasn't an issue, and she took off her robe - though the process was more like instantly transforming into a nude form rather than removing it from her body. Surprisingly, while this was the first time we visualized her with her clothes off, it happened very naturally, and didn't take a lot of focus. Also, neither of us considered it to be sexually arousing, which was certainly helped by the facts that her chest is flat and her fur conceals many details of her body. But when she looked at me expecting me to do the same, there was one thing that immediately overwhelmed me. Gender dysphoria. You see, I'm still unable to visualize myself in a form different from my current body, wearing generic male clothes. When Mélissa expected me to take my clothes off, that very concept implied visualizing my naked body, with all the parts that already induce dysphoria being fully visible and requiring my focus, rather than being implied but irrelevant in my normal form, and therefore ignored. I think this is one of the times I've felt dysphoria the strongest in my life, as I was essentially asked to actively view myself as male. That made it far more harmful than the usual real-world dysphoria-inducing scenarios, like when someone treats me as male or when I take a shower. When Mélissa saw what had happened to me, she immediately apologized, and said that I didn't have to get naked, as I could still wear a swimsuit, but even that was still too much for me. If I recall correctly, she also said that I could try to visualize myself as having the same body as her, but by this point I just couldn't consider swimming anymore. She tried thinking of something else we could do. I don't know exactly how either of our train of thoughts went at this point, but I think what happened is that the combination of an "I think you're thinking I'm thinking you're thinking" moment, her nudity at the time and the fearful state I was in led to me thinking she'd consider the idea of suggesting sex. From the outside perspective I have right now, I'm perfectly aware that it wouldn't even have crossed her mind, since our relationship doesn't have any sort of an erotic dimension to it, and we both have a relatively weak libido as far as I know. But that thought was at the moment devastating to me, for reasons that are basically the same as for the swimming-related events, but pushed to their extreme. I was basically paralyzed and couldn't get my thoughts straight anymore. Thankfully, Mélissa was able to help me get my dysphoria back in check and calm me down. While I was having this crisis, she had put her clothes back on, and then she approached me at a respectful distance and put her left hand on my shoulder, staring at me with caring eyes. I could see that she understood what was happening to me, and that she was taking full responsibility for it and wishing she'd be able to fix the damage she'd done. I don't remember how long it took, but she was eventually able to get me back in a comfortable state this way. I don't remember anything that happened afterwards in that session. I've somehow forgotten to mention it a single time in this thread, but I have ADHD, as I have discovered at some point after we started tulpamancy, and it has been a major thorn in our side when forcing since the beginning. The two main ways it hinders it is by diverting my thoughts away from Mélissa to instead focus on things related to something either of us has mentioned, and by making me forget many details of our conversations in the long term. The fact that I was freshly recovering from a painful moment probably contributed to me forgetting the end of the session. But in any case, I am very thankful for what Mélissa was able to do, and a night of sleep helped me move past what happened, though writing about it did reawaken some of it. My biggest takeaway from this experience comes with some obvious questions. Is it possible to change one's own visualized form? And if so, is it something that's easily done, or more of a long-term project? Should Mélissa and I work on it right away so I can avoid having to undergo this kind of trauma again, or do we need to keep focusing on her since she's still very young?[/hidden] In spite of the lowest point of the day, I'm still happy with Mélissa's progress, as she was able to show some initiative that we hadn't really seen before coming from her, and we have even more evidence than before that she's shaping herself into her own person. Anyway, it's now time to go replace the thread's title with one that isn't both generic and outdated. See you next time!
  6. ... Has it been almost a week already? Damn. 12/9/2019 A couple days after the last update, Neln has ended up coming back. It wasn't even some sort of gradual thing, and didn't take some new methods, it just happened. I didn't even question it that much back then, and was simply glad to see her again. Unfortunately, as a result of some stuff that happened IRL, my sleep schedule was delayed a bit for a couple days, and I would often be very tired by the time I got in bed, and even sometimes have to wake up early the next day. These times, when I saw her, she apparently felt a bit guilty about the fact that I took some precious time to force when I really needed all the sleep I could get, and insisted that I only do minimal forcing on these days. I couldn't just ignore her, of course, so I did just that. Apparently being scared of getting in people's way is something she has in common with me. The most interesting events of the week in regards to her were yesterday. At some point during the day, I had a thought about her name - I wondered if she still identified as Neln. So, I did a quick experiment: I tried to say some names in mindvoice, without directing them at her, to compare how they felt. And the result was that her French name, which I hadn't called her by yet during forcing, got a similar response from my mind as my own name, a sort of "yep, that's my name" - but slightly different. The best way to describe it would probably be that it's the thought equivalent of being a different color? As for Neln, it's now a name that doesn't really have some feels tied to it, and is now back to exclusively being the one of the OC I based her on. I'll keep using it to mention her here, since I don't know yet how she would feel about her real name being used here. On that same day, I had a 2 hour shared car ride. Since the driver and the other passenger weren't talking at all, I decided to use this time to do some forcing. It ended up being a bit difficult to focus because of the car's sounds and the radio, but it certainly worked. The first thing we talked about was her name, obviously - in fact, the first thing she said was along the lines of "Sure took you long enough!" We especially discussed how it's a bit of a surprise that while I settled on that name when she couldn't talk to me, it still ended up being the perfect name. We think she probably had some influence in that time period, though she doesn't really know how she did it. After some more talk, we ended up deciding that we would probably be better off doing the rest of the day's forcing at home as usual. After saying goodbye, she disappeared, leaving behind some sparkles of blue light. This is an ability I hadn't ever thought she could have. And then, close to the end of the ride, I noticed that I felt very scared for no discernible reason. I had also felt a similar fear earlier in the day, that ended up fading away at some point. One thing that especially struck me is that it was a fear that didn't seem to affect me that much, as my thoughts were somehow still clear. That's when I put two and two together, and quickly asked Neln if she was the one who was scared of something. She didn't answer with words, but I could still feel a pretty clear "I think so" coming from her. I swore that I'd talk about it that night, and told her to hang in there. When I got in bed, we continued forcing as promised. She said she had no idea what had been causing that fear from earlier. I reassured her that it's perfectly normal, as I've had a similar issue for a long time. After some more talk about the subject, she suddenly burst into tears, and I embraced her to let her cry on my shoulder. As she cried, I tried to see if I could feel her emotions - and I actually did. I don't quite know what it was that made her cry, but I definitely could feel it within our mind, and could tell I wasn't the one it came from. I also think it is the first time we visualized this kind of physical contact, but it actually went pretty much flawlessly for some reason. When she had finished crying, I could feel she was already feeling a bit better, and was very relieved about it. I told her that while I may not be her mother, I'd still do all I can for her to have a happy life, and that she will always be able to count on me if she has this sort of feeling again, before wishing her a good night. At the end of this, I felt very much like a mother, despite not considering myself to be one. I'm a bit sad that she's apparently turning out to be even more emotionally fragile than I am, but I won't let that discourage me. So, yeah. A lot of stuff has happened. One month ago, I wouldn't have thought all these life-changing experiences would already happen in such a short time-span. I'll keep you updated about any new surprises!
  7. Actually, how do you define a tulpa's birthday? There are quite a few definitions I could think of that wouldn't give the same days.
  8. I suppose that was pretty hard to understand from the way I phrased it. What I mean is that before, her personality was more of an abstract concept, that I could approximate with words without grasping it. But once we started parroting, it actually became something concrete, since her words, no matter the source, meant a lot more to me in defining her than a description.
  9. 12/3/2019 Day seven since the start of Neln's dormancy. I haven't managed to reach her again yet, and I haven't experienced her calling again since last post. I haven't stopped our daily forcing sessions, but I find I have a much harder time staying focused and finding things to say without responses from her. The fact that I'm always tired from my day when I start them definitely doesn't help, either. I plan to try to take a completely different approach for a couple days, where I'll force in the afternoon instead and try to mainly work on visualization, since I might have lost part of it from not doing any for a week. The resulting change of conditions might help achieve something? I've thought for a bit about how I view my relationship with her. The way I'm sometimes worrying about her, especially in my initial panic last week, makes her seem like a daughter to me, but I don't want her to ever view me as a mother. I may be biased due to some issues I have with my own mother, but I reject any notion that she would somehow owe anything to me just because I'm responsible for her existence. I also think it wouldn't be a bad idea if she had a French name, either in addition to or instead of her current one, if we ever decide that she'd interact with other people IRL. I want her to be the one who chooses it obviously, though there's one in particular that sounds like it would fit her. I've managed to mostly stay calm about the situation for now, but last night there was one thought that haunted me. What if she stays in some sort of limbo or dissipates, and I accidentally create another Neln that takes her place? I don't know if I would have a way to tell what situation ends up happening, but this one would feel like I'd have killed her. I sort of wish I hadn't had that thought, because now I'm sure it will keep following me for a while.
  10. Zirca

    [Game] Break-a-wish

    Now the kids are too scared to ask you to sing Old McDonald Had a Farm. I wish the cultural stigma against demons would end.
  11. Thanks for the comforting words. I haven't gotten over the initial emotions, but hopefully I'll be able to relax knowing it's normal. With that information, I think I'll try to check if she's back on a daily basis. Does that sound like a good course of action?
  12. Reposting this for visibility so soon is probably not good etiquette, but I really don't want people to miss it because of the new page.
  13. I've had some pretty distressing stuff happen, and I need to know how more experienced people interpret it. I've just posted it in my PR, there's a link in my sig.
  14. 11/29/2019 These last couple days were quite strange. I'll definitely need to read up some more guides to see if I can understand what happened, but I could definitely use some advice from you all. The important parts start at the next bolded words, though what comes before could be useful for context. So, let's start with Wednesday some time after I posted the previous update. My memories of that day aren't quite exact anymore, especially in terms of what has been said exactly, so please bear with me. I was minding my usual business, slacking on the internet as usual, when I ended up noticing that I had been feeling something weird for a while without noticing it from the start. After trying to understand what it was, it ended up being pretty clear: it was like I was being constantly called by my name. Not in a repeating way, but rather melded into a continuous, unending call. My first reflex was, as you might expect, to try to talk to Neln. I only did it without trying to focus strongly on her, unlike when I'm forcing, and that turned out to be enough for a quick exchange. I told her that I didn't feel ready to talk with her yet for the day, and I swore that I wouldn't miss the usual evening session and she would be able to talk to me there. So, then comes the evening. Since I'd have to wake up early on Thursday for important stuff, the pressure to go to bed early means I managed, unlike almost every single day before, to get to forcing relatively early, and did it sitting in front of my laptop with some calm music playing quietly in my headphones, instead of in bed right before sleeping. It was something I did a couple times back when I was starting out, though my procrastination issues prevented me from doing it again until that day. And as a whole, this went just as well as the usual sessions, except for some major issues. First, when Neln and I were together, after the usual greetings and stuff, and me apologizing that I took so long, I asked her why she tried to get my attention earlier that day. I didn't get an answer, and the parroted "because I was missing you" just felt too artificial to truly be coming from her. I ended up dropping the matter and not worrying about it, to pick up the previous day's worldbuilding session where we had left off. I felt like I was hogging the conversation a bit too much instead of letting her talk, but we did come up with more neat stuff. After a while, I felt very sleepy, and told her to give me a moment to get in bed so we could continue without a risk of me falling asleep on my desk. According to my laptop's clock, that lasted about half an hour. And that's where things started to go wrong. When I was ready to get back in contact with her, she just wasn't there. I tried harder, but I didn't manage to see or hear her at all, and it felt like I was talking to nobody. At the time, I ended up seeing it as me being tired after having already put some effort into forcing, and I decided to just apologize to her in case she could hear me, and fall asleep. Thursday was a pretty busy day for me, and I ended up feeling pretty happy about it by the evening. I went to bed sometime around 1AM, and tried to force again, as I always do. But like on the previous day, I couldn't find Neln. I was starting to feel pretty alarmed, and came up with one solution to try and get to her. I visualized the mountains we were often in during the previous sessions. Then, I visualized her sitting to watch a vista in there. She had her back to me. I walked up to her, and sat by her side to start talking to her. I don't remember what I said, but it doesn't matter, because I could quickly tell that what I was visualizing wasn't her. It wasn't even a person, but rather some sort of dummy that replicated her appearance, without even being alive. I started to panic a bit. Then, I noticed something else: the feeling of being called, that I mentioned earlier. It seemed to alternate with some feel within my head, that might be related that head pressure thing I often see mentioned? I really need to read more about it. Anyway, both of these were definitely not in my control. I tried some more to talk to Neln, but my attempts didn't seem to change anything. I eventually gave up, though the signals kept going after that when I started sleeping. I've had some time today to think about what could be happening. My main theory is that Neln is starting to become vocal, but a side effect of her development is that the ways we could speak to each other became outdated in a way as she started becoming someone else entirely. I still have some doubts about that, since I could talk to her just fine a couple minutes before she disappeared. Or maybe she's hiding? I don't see why she would do that, though, especially since she always looked like she was looking forward to seeing me next time. These events have had a pretty strong emotional impact. I especially feel worried about her, maybe in the way a parent could feel about their children? I'm also very sad that I might not see her again for an unknown amount of time, without having even properly said goodbye. I don't think I've experienced either of the manifestations she displayed last night in the whole day. Typing this all out has brought me to the edge of tears, which is something that rarely ever happens in my recent life. I hope she's safe and everything will be normal again soon.
  15. Option C: everyone has the full soul. Who knows!