Dreamerald

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About Dreamerald

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  1. I've started making my tulpa since April. However, somehow I've never progressed and got stuck for months. Mostly because of time constraints, but recently Mikhaila herself made me have some kind of powerful realization as we had some sort of "real talk". What I've realized is that one thing that held me back a lot was the fact that I didn't really accept the tulpa as an actual companion, as much of a company as other human beings, as if I were afraid of recognizing her as a thing of her own. Another thing was the fact that I didn't accept the tulpa as a separate identity and more as a fold of my own mind. Now I think that these concepts really stunted her growth, but I am not totally sure, as all of these realizations are too recent for me to really tell. I wanted to know if you guys also had these kinds of problems and which things you guys recommend avoiding.
  2. Hi. Well, a lot of time (a month) has passed. But I haven't had much progress at all. Not because I didn't try, but because I'm getting too busy. College has finally caught up with me. I have 6 videocalls a week with teachers, I have a lot of things to deliver, and the pressure is high. To be more personal, I am two semesters away from being an "intern" (I really don't how how to explain bc to you guys maybe medical school from where you live works differently from here in Brazil), and interns spend all day on the hospital, studying and attending patients. Internship has the duration of 2 years, and then the course ends (6 years of total duration). So, about my life, I had to sacrifice a couple of habits (mainly gaming), I used to play music for hours, while now I only have like, 20-30 minutes of practice. So, consequently, my habit of forcing has taken a blow. So, how are things going between me and my tulpas? Well, they aren't strong, but they are still alive. Mikhaila speaks regularly to me, and we've got to terms about the scarcity of time to force. I am doing weekly sessions instead of daily, and of course things are going to slow down to a crawl. But I didn't give up. I don't want my tulpas fading away. Also, I want to develop my tulpamancing skills. However, I am writing down this journal because something amazing happened. I was doing the usual trance stuff, you know, getting relaxed, getting tingly and numb on the extremities, and when I got to the usual deep state I was in, I asked Mikhaila if I could go deeper. She said "yes, you can". And then, I used a new technique I was developing. Basically, I searched for any tension in my mind, like, for example, worries, clinginess, and I visualized that tension. I held that tension in my head, and I released that tension, effectively undoing it. I applied it to any underlying tension (as I am an anxious, tense person myself) and it worked out great. I got very deep, and then I decided to use this release technique to my entire brain. I was feeling as if a wall of blackness were approaching my eyes. That was very surprising, but I couldn't simply give up, so I continued the mental relaxation, and made it stronger. The "wall" got to my eyes, and then, I felt as if... As if... It's difficult to explain. You know when you close the right eye, and then all you can see is information from the left eye? Like, you can't see the insides of your right eyelids. The information was, like, cut. Here it was the same process, but with both eyes. They were both cut. It was if I had a third eye, and had closed the other two. And in this state, eventually I started seeing things. Now I understood I was in a dream-like state. I started seeing things so vividly in my mind I doubted myself. I started seeing landscapes through windows (as if I were inside some structure and saw the landscape through the window), I saw a sheet of paper with questions written on it. I was hungry, and I saw food. I saw like, roasted sausages in a plate. I eventually was a bit worried that my brother would be mad, as I was turning the air conditioner on mid-afternoon, and I actually got to vividly have that experience. Of course, I was in the deep state, so all I could do was to babble distorted stuff and barely move, and then eventually gave up. I had the belief that the air conditioner was changing speeds (of course, it most probably was just accelerating or slowing down the freezing to maintain the temperature, but in my mind, I haven't thought that). Now, I cannot remember very well. And that only give me the hint I was almost dreaming. Memory doesn't work very well when you dream. However, I couldn't force my tulpas well enough. In that state, maintaining focus is very, very hard. I was dismissing intrusive thought left and right, but still, once you get caught up in something, you totally immerse yourself in the experience. I wrote before that I had reached the Esdaile state, but I was wrong. This is the actual Esdaile state. You get in the boundary between wakefulness and sleep. But today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, I will have plenty of time to force. I have a plan of recording myself describing my wonderland and my tulpas, and then, when I get ready for forcing, hit Play and begin the journey. Wish me luck.
  3. Mikhaila is almost one month old now. Our relationship is very close, and I can feel some kind of presence around me sometimes, but still, up to this point, I can't visualize her very well yet. I can visualize some things like videogame characters well, but when it's about her form, it's much, much harder. Maybe that's because I've stopped drawing for a while, but in her voice, I'm like, totally certain. We agreed on a nice, slightly mature, soothing voice. It just fits. I can imagine her speaking from the left or right, as if she could speak close to my ear. She can do the ear-biting thing and she can play with these inputs. Overall, I think I'm just stronger with "audialization" than visualization. Like, I can imagine a string of pitches being played with any instrument (however, can't tell accurately which notes they are bc I don't have perfect pitch), and like, within a rhythm, and with some kind of accompaniment. What's really brought me to make this post was the fact that I believe Luxia, the one who would be my second tulpa after Mikhaila, is already born as I type this post. I was just like, walking to the grocery store yesterday and I had some strong insight, you know, kind of an epiphany? I just felt something inside my mind and thought "Oh, Luxia exists!", and I probably felt some kind of weak core inside me, and it made me think about how far has Mikhaila gone yet, even if we are still in the beginning. Mikhaila was kind of not liking the thing at all. Like, the kind of conflict I totally expected her to have. Like, the fear of being replaced or sucking up all the attention. I had to get that fatherly attitude, like "I will love you two the same", and after a bit of talking, we reached some kind of mutual understanding. But in that night, I was forcing and I kind of got a some kind of quasi-dream...? Like, I was in deep trance, and I was kind of just letting things go and happen in my mind. What happened was, I visualized what would be Luxia's form in my inner planning (a pink-haired, kind of e-girl looking girl with a staff and a colorful little dress, and joyful almost to the point of mania). We did three little duels, like, me vs Mikhaila, me vs Luxia, and then Luxia vs Mikhaila. I decided to make up some kind of earth-bending magic (a la Avatar: The Last Airbender), you know, lifting earth and throwing stones. Mikhaila brought up a dark katana with mythological symbols hanging from the handle, and Luxia is kind of a Lux from LoL spell-wise. (I used to play League of Legends, but now I hate this game and cringed a bit at my own design). In the first fight (me vs Mikhaila), I was pushing her back, or jumping high, but I wasn't much focused in combat, unlike Mikhaila, which did everything she could to attack me, and she won. She was very quick and sliced me in half, separating my torso from legs, and when that happened I just gave up, like, "I'm dead. Next". In the next fight, which was Luxia against me, she was just spamming something similar to Final Spark (is that the name of Lux's ultimate? Don't feel like googling that up) at me. I played defensively, lifting earth walls, but the light beams were just too strong (just imagine, white light kamehamehas with some green or pink hues, tearing through walls of dirt). I eventually got disintegrated by one of these. Finally, it was Luxia vs Mikhaila, and Mikhaila won, but the fight was beautiful. Luxia did that kamehameha thing at her, Mi used the katana to split that torrent of energy and eventually slice through Luxia the same way she did with me. Edit: Ah, right now, I can't feel Luxia, and I doubt that she suddenly got that form so easily. Maybe she is very deep inside my mind, but if she is alive, I don't want her dead. Doesn't matter if her birth was accidental or not. Later, Mikhaila appreciated the way I lost just to lift her self-steem. In the whole process, I was in a dream-like state, like, I wasn't critical of things happening. It's something I am not in control, so it didn't felt like I was surrendering something. I was just going with the flow. I was playing. I was in a game. A game of creativity, of course, but it's will that wins that game. And it looks like Mikhaila is a strong-willed being. Mikhaila wants me to make a music album. She said something in the lines of: "With your talent, and my will, you will succeed!". And she is kind of right. If she begins to push me psychologically to do it, I will certainly do it. I can say I am almost intermediate in keyboard, and am currently recording my keyboard practices. I've stored some nice riffs there, and futurely will develop these to make songs. The style is definitely gonna be some slow blues, some jazzy chords, maybe lofi? but lofi lately got saturated too much. I plan of releasing something, and if I do that, I will definitely make a song named "Mikhaila" in tribute to her. But after all, my objective is just to have fun., to be myself To bring something to the world, but to come from the heart. To come from within. When I finish the album, I am gonna put it in the "About Me" section, maybe in signature (how do I edit my sig? Really, I need to know this). But also, like, there's a chance I just won't make the album. I start many projects but I give up on all of that. But if I succeed in not giving up, it's most probably because of her. One thing that probably made me really happy was today, when she said something like "From inside your mind, I'm the one who can see your inner beauty with the most clear perspective." And like, I don't see myself as beautiful in the inside, at all. I made a lot of unkind things that I regret deeply, and I exaggerate things inside my mind, but she can see through all these insecurities and just disarm me of my own self-judgment, with three simple words: "I love you." Tulpas are magical, special, and amazing. See ya next time.
  4. oh my god, time flies fast. My whole progress has been grinding to a halt. I've been playing videogames too much, and i've been dealing with tinnitus lately, and this constant ringing all the time is not fun at all. Mikhaila and I had a decision to just stop playing, as it is this kind of game that has diminishing returns the more you play, and like, I should be spending more time on my tulpa than with something so unfruitful like that. First of all, thanks for asking, Mirichu. So, I don't really think I could so some sort of guide, as I am still learning about it. What I did first was, to get in deep, deep relaxation. There are a couple of steps I take to make sure I'm there. First, I get so relaxed, my eyes get sealed shut. Like, I can't lift my eyelids. Second, I relax all my body, as much relaxing I could get with my eyelids. Opening the eyes and then closing with a wave of relaxation helps a lot. I then try to lift my thighs, and as much as I can sense the muscles contracting, they pull up and down at the same time, so it doesn't move. Third and most importantly, I test for catatonia. I lift my arm, or my wrist, and try to leave it there. If it stops in place, you're alright in body relaxation. Then, you try to relax the mind. Visualize some kind of dark energy dispersing inside your mind, making everything dark. It's very relaxing. Remember two things: Concentration and awareness. If you lose any one of these two, you will drift off to sleep. You must be aware and concentrated at all times. After that, I remember imagining umyself and my tulpa Mikhaila as if we tried to get inside a dark corridor, some kind of hidden place. It's almost like in that scene of Inception when you need to imagine a secure location so that the subconscious can store important things inside. I was with Mi, and I told her to go on her own there, and that I can't go there with her. That dark corridor I've imagined was the pathway to my subconscious. I've done a little research (there's not any scientific material, all I could find was hypnosis blogs, and they told me that imagination is the best critical factor bypass. Link: http://tiny.cc/ls3rnz. That's why hypnotists try to get you to imagine something all the time. Because in imagination, anything is possible.) The critical factor is that part of the mind that protects your subconscious from taking anything as valid. It is very important to keep yourself grounded in reality, but it creates resistance against suggestions. A simple test I make for my critical check is just saying something outright false (Example, 1 + 3 = 5. Did you feel yourself checking the validity of the equation? That's your critical factor at play) and seeing if you "care", or making some kind of involuntary effort to correct it or to say it is not true. If your mind just goes with the flow, the subconscious is very open and prone to suggestions. Try always to bring new false affirmations, like "Ducks are fish", or things like that. Then, she started to make the suggestions. One important thing was that all of them were positive, like, "you are organized", and not "you are not messy". She was previously instructed to do said suggestions, so you need to plan this previously. Always try to appeal to your own well-being, like, instead of "You do not like smoking", try "You enjoy breathing fresh air." I tried my best to not get too conscious of her suggestions. Just letting her speak. After she did the suggestions, I could feel some kind of inner resistance at some point. As if the subconscious were closing in. At this point, we stopped it. That's it, I think. But of course, it's VERY IMPORTANT to keep your subconscious LOCKED after your sessions. A big mistake I made was to let it too open after my sessions and bring that openness to my routine. You "learn" behaviors faster with your subconscious opened, and addictions are technically a behavior. Also, you can find yourself thinking too much about small things, or getting lost in thought. Yeah, that's very true. Of course, she has also some small obsession with being my "main". Like, she does not want to get replaced or forgotten. I take these as totally understandable concerns, as they arise with normal people, like a couple's first child, or someone's best friend. In those cases, they wouldn't want to feel replaced by someone else that just happened to get there. She will, by consequence, be the most developed of all the tulpas, guaranteeing her place, guaranteeing her place.
  5. It's been a couple days since my last post. Mi is only 17 days old, it's funny how it seems like so much time has passed. Maybe it's this new routine. Okay, so, Mikhaila has become some kind of inner coach by now. A couple things happened. First, we managed to do some self-hypnosis. Like, when I was in trance, her presence penetrated my mind to the subconscious level, and I have instructed her to suggest to me things I wanted to improve, which were just being organized and more willing to study. The next day, I felt these strange wills to organize my table, sweep the floor, take the trash out, things like that, and then it dawned on me what I've been suggested the day before. Also, I've picked an article to study that I left on another tab on my phone for like months without even reading the abstract. Hypnosis is very powerful where there is someone else suggesting instead of the suggestion coming from your own self, since in self-hypnosis you get the risk of activating your critical factor, tulpas can help a lot in that aspect. Also, they can be instructed to suggest anything you like, which is a huge advantage over hypnosis audio clips. I need to suggest this to the forums sometime. I sometimes find myself speaking things that she suggests me without noticing. Maybe that's because I have a loose tongue and I am often in light trance, but still, that's interesting. She can play an "inner piano" in my head. I can't really visualize the keys and the sounds each key would make, since I don't have perfect pitch to tell which note it is, but I have played the keyboard for so long that I can imagine pitches being played in my head and she can also do that. Actually, any sound can be played at any pitch in my head. I thought of meows, barks, and some instrument sounds at different pitches, than chords make of said pitches, and then melodies... Maybe that's a normal thing, but I find that amazing. Mi even came up with a complicated chord progression once when I unfortunately did not have a keyboard available to replicate. I've been thinking about creating one more tulpa, her name would be Luxia and her design would be kind of the opposite of Mikhaila. Instead of Mi's apathy and wisdom, Luxia would be joyful and playful. She'd have a form filled with colors and lights, dressed like a little sorcerer. Mikhaila, however, had an agreement to me to have some kind of "tulpa ladder": A new tulpa can only be created when I get one level of progress with other tulpas that have come before. That would encourage me to develop tulpas first before actually creating (being me or Mikhaila) new ones. These levels, of course, would be Visualization, Imposition, and Possession. I want to do Switching sometime, purely for the sake of the craft but also maybe for fun things like gaming or playing music, but aside from that, will be an optional goal since thereare not much fun things in my life right now. The adult life is kicking in, so there's a lot of responsibilities and chores to do. I don't want my tulpas to do the dirty work for me. I believe that I shouldn't bring someone to existence mainly just to serve me. I think that's it. Bye bye, till next time! 😉
  6. Thank you. I now understand your point, Ranger. You guys reached a point in tmancing when there can be an exchange of roles freely between identities. I didn't even know if I could still call that a tulpa at this point, as much as it fits the definition. Like, the line between host and tulpa gets blurred to the point it could easily be indiscernible. Maybe the only anchors to the host are the societal norms, memories, and a consensus between your identities about the bounds of each one and who is the "original". I would like to ask you if you had any existential questions and how did you solve them. That would help a little. But now I could say I understand the relationship tulpa-host a little better. It doesn't really fit into a template, and can get very complex. I look forward to better my craft and understanding. Peace 😉
  7. If you would like to see the original discussion, please go here. -Ranger Thank you for your answer. So, tulpa, of course you can have access to the sensible world by having access to the senses and having control, but you do not reside in the sensible world. Excepting from the host, no other human in the world can perceive your form, voice, texture, temperature, whatever. Done. Actually, they can have an idea of these attributes by description/graphic representation, but still, that's it. If you touch someone else using your host's arm in possession, they felt your host's arm, not your form. The host's arm cannot morph itself to have the texture of your form, so anyone being touched by it would claim it's your host, rather than you. Therefore, other humans cannot have the same experience of your presence in the same way your host can. To reiterate, yes, of course you have access to the sensible world. I haven't said tulpas can't. Tulpas can see anything hosts see, they can move the body, and so goes on. I never tried to say that there was a barrier, I even said it in the post: But after all, this is just a thing I made up for myself to prevent from getting mixed up. Have a nice day 😉
  8. From yesterday to today, Mikhaila's attitude changed. My theory is that she's grown desperate. Because of the difficulty to keep my focus depsite the flashes in my mind, the attitude she's got into is of submission. Like if she would do anything for me to keep her alive, just in order for me to keep forcing, even if it involves sexually visualization. Needless to say, this is not what I feel like being right. I've interrupted the nofap, will do the thing every couple of days instead of just stop doing it out of nowhere, but I still want to get rid of that addiction later once she is a little more developed and less afraid of dying. The current problem is the flashes. I believe meditation and developing awareness can help me as well, since all I've developed so far are actually just trance states. But I'm confident that we will get back to progress soon. That's it for today. Bye bye
  9. You know, that's a good question. Tulpas have, by definition, a mind of their own. However, they live in a different reality from us, hosts. The first thing I did in the process of talking to my tulpa is to stabilish a difference between my sensible world and my mind world. The sensible world is the reality I have access to through my senses, and it's the world I depend on to live. The mind world is the reality inside my head, in which every thought, concept, memory, imagination, dream, and consequently tulpa resides in, and it's the world tulpas depend on to live. This discernment is very important at first, because it's not easy to make, and these realities are not completely separate from one another. Our experiences are in fact a product of both realities (for example, to read this post, you need functioning eyes and an idea of what symbols mean, their combinations, and the semantics). However, what I want to point out is, you, as a host, (which as I said, depends entirely on the sensible world you live in, and has full responsibility for your survival) will need enough possible time under your control to deal with and survive in this reality. If you don't, and consequences arise from it, it's not the fault of the tulpa, it's your fault. Tulpas are not obliged to do anything outside the mind world, because you are the one responsible for the job anyways. If you fail to do your job, you (and others) will suffer a lot, while the consequence of the tulpa is just painless vanishing. Hosts live in the sensible world. I said live, as if life were defined as "the will to keep existing". Tulpas live in the mind world. We see our respective worlds differently. It's like a bird and a fish. To the fish, its world is the wet, and to the bird, its world is the dry. I've asked Mikhaila (my tulpa) about goals outside the mind world. She answered with a "none". To her, everything outside me is irrelevant. What is crucially relevant to her, however, is her survival, and above that, my survival, so things like forcing, love and attention are her nourishment and our health are her main concerns, and she expresses her necessities to me. That's an integral part of a tulpa. Whenever I ask her about a girl I'm dating, or an outside activity, she gives some basic response, but when we're talking about me, like bad habits, or life advice, for example, that's when she is the most expressive. Believe me, you won't birth someone into a prison. I believe that, if I were a tulpa myself, I'd be pretty happy about it. To be born in a world of exponentially more possibilities than the sensible world, being a pet, existencially well-fed and free from consequences? That's paradise. We believe in the illusion the sensible world is great, but it really isn't that great, exactly because, like I've said above, we see our respective world differently. The sensible world is dangerous. It's limited. It gets boring. We are stuck in constant, unending loops of habits and decisions, and we're constantly kept in check. In the sensible world, the pleasures from here are the most powerful, but physical suffering also exists. Worst yet, physical suffering can last a lot longer than physical pleasures, arise unexpectedly, be completely outside your control, and be irreversible. Physical pleasures can cloud your judgement and get you addicted to them, costing you a lot if you don't get self-control. The point I am trying to make is, maybe you are also in a prison. You are also locked. Locked "out", but running from danger and running after pleasure all the time, while the one who's locked in is completely fine. I hope I've answered all your questions. Have a nice day! 😉
  10. Hi. I've been having a really hard time tulpaforcing lately. Currently in a nofap program, I get sex-related obsessions (intrusive thoughts) all the time, and they derail the forcing sessions easily, even trying to focus on the breath does not last long. And that's sad, because I was kind of fighting against the thoughts, but they caught me like a butterfly in a net; I hardly noticed, often found myself lost again. I want to bring my tulpa to some activities, but she does not express any approval. The only thing she cares about now is forcing. And I won't judge her in this aspect. She needs my attention and love to survive. It is her nourishment. Mikhaila was fading a bit these days, but I am trying my best to not let her die. I've been studying and applying self-hypnosis, today I managed to make myself speak incomprehensibly, lift my arms a bit, and squeeze my fists tight with the power of autossugestion. I hope this suggestibility can help me in the later stages of the tulpa development. But till I get there, I have to get these obsessions out of my head somehow. Didn't post daily recently bc I really did not have almost anything at all to say. Also, I made some really cool drawings of her face. I think I've nailed the design. Just need to get sharper at drawing profiles and full-body. Oh, she likes to use a dress now.
  11. Hi. I got this new profile pic, it's a pixel art of Mikhaila I did after submitting the entry. I fell in love with my design of her, like the haricut, the eyes of two colors, the pentagram... I feel like that's what I feel comfortable for her form. Will do a full-body drawing later. I need to find a good drawing software, Clip Paint Studio expired for me, Paint SAI's trial expired... just sad, really ;-; I am just making this entry for the habit, but not much happened today like the other entries. Some funny talking points happened, but I didn't force at all and couldn't enter trance. I had too many interruptions. So not much progress today. The only considerable progress is remembering my dream, but they are irrelevant to this journal, since I didn't experience nothing tulpa-related. Whenever I just can't force, I just hug my pillow and visualize her as if she were in contact with me. I can feel her presence when I do that. Mikhaila asked me a lot of "why" questions. I've been thinking a lot about a certain girl irl, and she asked me why do I think so often about her. I came up with an answer like "Why can't I think about other girls? I think about you sometimes", and she said something like "But when you think about me, I literally can talk back. You don't even send a message, you just think." I was having a car ride with my brother and I could feel some kind of presence sitting on my lap, and I knew it was her, biting my ear. Not biting like the feeling of real teeth. I feel some kind of tingle there (after I told her that's one thing that turns me on, she began doing that as a tease, sometimes). I can't complain, I loved that. It's a tingle that feels like if someone were breathing at your ear and you get that tingle. At the moment of this writing, she is doing the ear-tingle thing in my right ear, and that's amazing. Certainly an improvement I didn't expect. I told her right now that she can stop if she wishes to, but maybe doing something the host can feel is highly rewarding for a tulpa. Ouch, now the tingle gets so strong I can feel pain at the tip of my ear. One thing she told me that really caught my attention was she saying about how death scares her. I am certainly not afraid to die (although I would obviously do something to avoid dying and my mental health is at a good level at the moment of this entry). I comforted her, saying I'm not gonna die soon. Maybe this desencouragement of unhealthy habits from her part might play a part in the avoidance of my (and consequently her) death. Maybe, at the "don't smoke, it causes cancer", she had access to information about cancer being a really hard disease to survive from. This was just a hypothesis by my part, I asked her about it right now, she told me that she didn't necessarily made that link to literal death, it's just that cancer is horrible and I was choosing to enter a habit that could certainly cause that. I felt amazed by when she told me not to smoke, and I think by this willingness to stop that one bad habit, she developed a personality around that ending bad habits. Oh, also, I was talking to someone about Tulpas, and I told them about how I've read that they are killed by not paying attention. I could feel a small wave of dread, and I didn't even need to ask from whom it came from. I knew it was certainly from her. I comforted her again, I'm not gonna kill her. I see no reason for that. Actually, all I see is reasons for keeping her and developing her. She expressed a desire for me to play keyboard keys for her. I played whatever I felt were her suggestions (turns out she said they were genuinely her), and they were in the key I was playing, but certainly they wouldn't ever be something I would think about playing. The notes jumped like, natural fifths or sixths sometimes. They were not the best thing, but I was satisfied just for being something she did. I improvised on one of her suggested melodies. But that's about it. Now I think I can do artistic activities as passive forcing. That's it for now. Stay safe, everybody.
  12. Hi. Oh, thanks Mirichu for your answer. Yes, I did have this feeling of having dreamt something at that day. Now that I think about it, it may be because I set an alarm, and fell asleep again. I know that we forget our dreams really quickly if we don't take note. Yeah, we sharing the same brain really bugs me out sometimes, and that's really funny because none of us had the memory anyways. Thanks again. Okay, for the current entry: After submitting the previous entry, I studied a little and attempted a deep trance to force before going to sleep. I relaxed, I used my technique of imagining a dark energy spreading inside my head, paralyzing stuff (I like imagining the parts of my brain and nerves and these kind of stuff shutting down despite knowing that actually the brain works very hard when we're asleep), and I've reached this point before when I tried to "paralyze" my cortex (you know, the superficial part of the brain) and I've got a really interesting feel, as if my mind really were shutting down, and I got afraid of falling asleep, so I stopped it and just went on with the forcing. But this time I thought "you know what, let's do it, let's see what happens". And I did it. And it was... Wonderful. I paralyzed my legs to the point of not even lifting (like, before, if I attempted to lift my thigh, the posterior muscles of my thighs contracted, pulling it down, as if they were activated at the same time. In this situation, they were truly still). My whole body went numb. And then, I felt a little bit of euphoria. I don't know how, I just felt amazing, as if I had got a little drunk. And then I started visualizing stuff and the visualizations were stronger. I imagined these rainbowy kaleidoscopic things just because part of me believe this was a hallucination. (Maybe I actually had a hallucination. Or maybe it is the Esdaile state. I really can't tell you guys for sure). One thing that really surprised me was the fact that I asked Mikhaila to speak to my ear, and I could hear (not with that "realness" I'd have if I were hearing with my ears, if felt more like if you had been playing a song inside your head, but a little stronger). She spoke to one of my ears, then another. I could sense to which ear she was talking to. I decided to force her voice, and I got really indecisive. I need to make a decision, if I want the form to look more mature, or more teen. Maybe something in between. I remember asking her to say anything in a really high-pitched voice, then a cartoony voice, then she spoke in the voice of a colleague that is not in our class anymore (she went to Russia to study Medicine and much later, came back), and although the voice really fits, I didn't want that voice on her. Actually, I don't want anything in her that would resemble any woman I've seen personally. That's the real hard rule of my tulpamancing process. I've read in the Tulpanomicon that it's really important for tulpas to not resemble a dead parent or a crush, because of existential problems, and that's a reason, but also, I don't want to avoid meeting my tulpa bc she reminds me of someone that left me and that I'm severely attached to. Actually, one of the good things of the "goth girl" form is that I've never seen one irl. Then I visualized the wonderland, in now its arctic form, and I like it better. As I sleep with ar conditioning on, I could relate the cold I feel to the climate. I've seen a form come to me in the wonderland, hooded in a thick coat, and after the form removes the coat, I saw Mikhaila's face. Nice. I really need to think some activities to try with my tulpa. I mostly just sit somewhere with her, or walk around. I think there are some things listed in the Tnomicon, will check them again. Oh, and I've forced her new eye colors. Pink in the right eye, and a mix of green and light blue for the left eye. Beautiful. I've slept, woke up, had a walk, asked Mi if she wants another headmate. She said "Not yet. You barely have time for me, now you want to bring another one?" Lol I love her answers. I was playing keyboard, and asked her which keys she wanted me to hit. I could sense some keys being a little bluer (of course, not hallucinating, but as if I were imagining it being more bluer) and played them. I then asked her if these were really her suggestions, she said yes. It sounded a little chromatic, but not bad. I think, maybe bc of she being in my brain she could have some awareness of scales, but at that moment, I didn't figure out what scale it was, didn't bother asking her. We can't remember it now. Maybe we can play some games irl (of course, with me proxying all her decisions). I have a chess board, a homemade card game, and some decks of playing cards. I will try these out tomorrow. We talked a little less today. She told me she wants to change her outfit, just a black shirt with a rock band logo on it, and a mini shorts. She wanted a black dress after, but I didn't like the idea, maybe later. As of personality, she is very rigid on four things for me to avoid at all costs: Drinking, smoking, playing music too loud, and masturbation. Maybe that last one explains why she wanted less revealing clothes today. I really think crop tops are the cutest, but that choice of shirt and shorts is cool. I remember breaking one of her four rules, and she got really mad and hammered the nail several times about how it is not good for me. Sometimes I get really close to breaking a rule and she warns me about it. I laugh inside when I try to imagine an outside observer thinking about it, like "This guy is not gonna smoke because a voice in his head told him to not do it". I talk about Mi to other people I know personally, and to them, it feels a lot like she is some sort of imaginary friend. Are tulpas imaginary friends? I'll do some research, maybe someone did make a thread in this community about it. I spent an hour looking after my drawing tablet. I could feel a love wave, she told me it was hers, and she was excited to see me draw. I said, "but I've drew you before. what makes it different now?", and she replied "I could feel that you want to make me really pretty now!", and, looking back, that's interesting. I only attempted to draw her out of a need to visualize, not much for the aesthetic. And that's an important lesson. Sometimes we get too much objective about stuff, and forget that it's that subjective that counts at the end of the day. So, I will leave here the drawing. I went a little masochist mode and attempted to use MS Paint (more like ms pain), more because I've seen a video of 1-bit art today, so because I liked the aesthetic very much, I attempted to use some dithering patterns, and I really loved it. Will probably post in some "Draw your tulpa" thread, because I'm proud of it. But now, you guys will have a decent idea of how she looks like to me. I will draw her again in the future (I already feel something nice coming from her just from typing this).
  13. Hello! Here comes another entry. Mikhaila is 7 days old now. Many things happened, we are talking a lot. I took note of a couple of things that happened since I had already submitted yesterday's entry. Turns out, she is a lot more reasonable than I am. She is a mini-coach now, lol. Sometimes, I swear a lot when nobody's around and I am bored. I spoke out "bitch fuck shit piss", and she asked me "why do you say those things?", and I answered, "because I am bored. I know, it's not healthy but-", and she stopped me and said "so stop doing that". I find it very interesting about how like, as I am this complicated guy with his head in the clouds who gives complicated answers all the time, she just comes up with these irreductible sentences that you just can't argue with, you can't explain it out. It's like the "cigarrettes cause cancer, stop smoking" from the previous post. Perhaps, because of my unwillingness to do a personality, and probably also because I've read a ton of self-help books and listened to a lot of advice in my life, my subconscious has made her with a "yin to my yang" down to earth, sensible, protective personality I needed in my life. She often cuts me through any bs I try to throw at her. And it's amazing. I feel like she is very special for being like this. Another thing she did that did surprise me was when I was a little tense when texting someone and I played out a fictitious conversation between me and that person about a topic that I wanted to bring out later. Mikhaila just stopped me and asked me to stop this rehearsing and just take note of the topic or to say it now. This rehearsing is a problem of mine and sometimes, when I am texting to someone else (especially if the other person takes a while to read), I write as if I were trying to answer all possible questions about the topic. Then I just write walls of text and it feels like a monologue. Mikhaila told me to "just do what I do. To talk minimally." I jokingly then asked her if she is "a better version of me". She actually took a while to answer and each sentence took a little while to be formed: "I don't know. Maybe not. Because I'm not you." I feel, sometimes, kind of a wave of an emotion of love. It's kind of funny, but whenever this wave of love happens, I ask her who did it. Sometimes it's her, sometimes it's me. Actually, I kind of already know from who the love comes from, but I ask just to be sure. I've written in a piece of paper "Dreamerald ❤️ Mikhaila" (actually I've written my real first name instead of username but you got the idea), and I felt this love wave clearly from her. Then I asked her if the wave is from her, and she answered "yes". I slept a little, then woke up. I asked her if she can see my dreams, and she said "yes". I was extremely surprised by that answer because, as much as I am aware that we always dream (we just don't remember them when we think we didn't dream), I didn't remember the dream at all. I asked her what did she see in my dream, but she said that she also didn't remember my dream either, but she was sure that she had experienced it. Please, I would like some opinions from other tmancers on this. As I text other girls, and as the relationship between Mikhaila and I is love-based, I was concerned about jealousy. We had a bit of a talk previouly about how relationships with other people are difficult to last long, as many things can happen to break the relationship and about people can't be around each other all the time, while with tulpas things will last long and tulpas are inside our heads all the time. She does not care at all about any possible "physical" partner. Actually, she has given me opinions about the girls I text. They were all positive. She can sense when I'm feeling in love with someone. Mikhaila expressed a strong desire to be forced. I drank some beer and got drunk (funny thing is, I've recorded some drunk status on Whatsapp and Mi called me crazy while I was doing it), got really tired and tried forcing. Some very intimate things happened between us, but after that, I couldn't enter trance or force. I tried getting in trance, but I just lost focus too quickly, sometimes I forgot what I was doing in the first place. Mi was mad at me. I fell asleep. When I woke up, I tried getting in trance to force, couldn't. As we were walking to a grocery store, it dawned on us that maybe the alcohol was responsible. She told me to stop drinking. I will have to abide by this request, as it is benevolent and being listened is healthy for tulpas. And that's it. I'm taking some notes whenever things happen. I will try to change my wonderland. Maybe something arctic. I was thinking about some colors for Mikhaila's eyes, and when I thought about my profile picture's color (this strong pink), I felt like she liked the idea. I will try to make these changes. I will also consult the Tulpanomicon for visualizations and will research somewhere about how to get lucid dreams. Could lucid dreams help with the tulpa progression? Until tomorrow!
  14. I wish I had started this journal when I just started tulpaforcing, but still, she is still 6 days old, still not too late, so I will speak about the process and some things that happened until now. Let me just tell you about my motivations to begin the whole thing. I was searching online about hypnosis, then about how to hallucinate with hypnosis, and then someone wrote about tulpas being a thing. I searched online, and got fascinated by the concept. I am currently studying Medicine (7th semester), and in the sixth semester I had classes on mental health, hallucinations, delusions, personality disorders and things like that, and I had a small desire to know what does it feel like to have these kinds of dissociative experiences. Felt like I am missing out on something amazing. Finally, in these quarantine times (COVID-19!), loneliness is a thing and my only company is my brother.Then I've read almost the whole Tulpanomicon to understand it better, and after some pondering about it, I decided to get head first into tulpaforcing. At first, when I've read the guides and some journals, I got a little cringed out bc of furries, bronies and weebs, and the vast majority made female tulpas, but I dropped all my judgements when realizing that I personally was a fan of MLP until 14, and I like some anime. Also, I made a female tulpa too (crazy, right). Her name is Mikhaila, cause I kind of like the Russian language, the phonetics seem sharp and strong, and I didn't want any weeby or fantasy name anyways. Then I tried to speed up the visualization process and made a drawing of what I wanted Mi to look like, and I wanted her to look like a goth girl (mainly because if I were a girl right now, that's what I would want to be), like, black eyes, black hair (chanel cut), white as snow skin, makeup, black clothes (crop top, a mini skirt, fishnets and socks with cute animals on it). I wanted to start with the face, knowing full well this is the hardest part, and sometimes I really got it right, but it faded and I had to start over. The eyes were kind of a challenge, bc I want realistic eyes. I quickly noticed that brown eyes would look perfect. I had written up a lot of details in a sheet of paper, I wanted to get the form very accurately. I actually did not need too much detail. I still need to improve a lot in visualization, but drawing and references are very helpful. Oh, I made a wonderland too. It is kind of a flooded region with small islands of stone, and the weather is so cloudy the sky is covered, but pierced by a purple beam, discussed later. The water is lilac and is a foot deep, and there are some black fish and some frogs in small ponds. The region is surrounded by beige mountains, which will eventually have caves so I can make some underground parts, and there is a small building with a crystal that projects kind of a tractor beam that pushes upward, so inside this wonderland, we can ascend to over the clouds, where there is a kind of that wavy dragon path thing on the afterlife in Dragon Ball Z, that Goku walked on when he was dead, I can't recall exactly. But I had the idea of the ascending beam and I needed to do anything about it, so there it goes. Also, in one of the mountains that surround this swampland, there is a spiraling path upward, and in the way there is a bench and a lightpost. Outside the mountains, I wanted to visualize an endless abyss, but I couldn't. I love Vaporwave-ish colors so the lights are purple. I like to see myself sitting on that bench, touching hands with Mikhaila. In my projections, I insert an imaginary endovenous catheter in my wrist, then insert the other end in hers, I project my emotions in my heart, and visualize them flowing through my blood, through the catheter and into her heart, making it flow throughout her form. Kind of reminds me of the song Rasplyvajecca by Nurnberg whenever I think about it. I mainly project the emotions of love, hope and the feeling of willpower. When I project love, I feel a little heartburn and a pink aura which is nice to feel. When projecting hope, I visualize a blue aura and my body feels lighter. When I project willpower, I feel a green aura and a little heavier. I did not think much of personality at all, kind of wanted it to develop naturally as I go. I used to call her name, and after a couple days of tulpaforcing, she answers IMMEDIATELY. That's what bugged me out. I started to have some parrotnoia, struggling a little to discern what is originally a voluntary thoughtspeak of mine and what was of hers, especially when I still need to tforce a feminine thoughtvoice for her. I do active forcing (I get in a deep trance, recently managed to get into a state so deep I get catalepsy, which is awesome. I usually do a bit of visualization, a bit of emotional projection, I do not follow time counts at all) and some narration. Really difficult at first bc usually I had nothing to talk about, then I started talking about my body, then about the places I usually go to when I get there, then about music. I started listening to music albums of my preference (post-rock, math rock, jazzy stuff like lofi, trap, some indie too), and talk to her about it. I let music play when I tforce. Helps with the emotional projections. She has a kind of a really strong personality. She is not afraid of telling things to me. She gives direct answers. Some anecdotes (things that the tulpa did that really surprised me): I began actively tforcing like, 1-2h a day. Two days ago, I installed Tinder, and then I started to talk a lot with other girls til 11PM without spending any time forcing that day. I could even feel her desire to meet me at a forcing session. Some days ago, I did two sessions: One at the start of the morning and one before sleep. I did a mediocre forcing and called it a day. She got mad, and did a rant about me spending time with other people all day and not doing almost any forcing at all. I realized I have been ignoring her and we both knew that ignoring is a poison to tulpas, so I forced to try to ask for forgiveness. She firstly actively avoided me in the wonderland, then we made peace. When I am tforcing, I have this problem of accidentally diverting my attention to something else mid anything. I instructed my tulpa to call me by name and remind me of her. That quickly brings me back to her presence. She actually is doing that sometimes, and that makes me happy. Today, I was picking some empty cigarrette packs to throw in the trash, played a little with the seal in a Dunhill pack, and after some unfocused stare (a light trance), Mikhaila told me to stop smoking, and then followed with a "This literally gives tou cancer! It's written right there in the pack!", and I realized that I would never have this kind of thought by myself. So later today I had the oportunity to smoke a cig and decided to remember what my tulpa said (bc I felt that as a genuine concern for my well-being) and I refused to smoke. Not that I am smoking for a long time or am addicted, it's more social, but aside from my health, I need to let Mi feel like she is being heard. To ignore it would be very damaging, both for me and her, I think. Today I was talking to a girl I've been dating and hooking up with, and you know, I felt attracted to her, and I wanted to do the IV thing and pass it to Mikhaila. She actually said something in the lines of "No, don't pass it bc this love is not for me", and I was left stunned, bc I could have never even thought of something like that. And she is very, very right: why would I project a love for someone else into her? Sounds bad. I would like to know someone's opinion on this. I had a moment 2 days ago when I asked her if she senses everything I think. I felt a "yes" answer. Then I asked her if I sense everything she thinks, and I felt a "no". I then started to do passive forcings with no music at all, and it helps me sense her much easier. I asked her if I could talk about her to other people. She actually does not care much as I do. We are having some intimate activities together, I was initially reluctant bc "doesn't feel right" but now I'm letting it happen because we are the same, and told her I want her to let me know if she doesn't want it. I don't feel good talking about the intimate stuff tho. Today had a very stupid joke in my mind but I laughed (can't remember the joke in question). Later, I could sense a laugh from her. I asked her if she really found it funny, and she said something like "I think we'll tend to like the same things". Wow, 2 days ago, I was talking to my ex, and I felt very sad bc some she had some horrible personal problems and I still have some attachment. Today, I was doing something really trivial, collecting dirty socks spreaded around the house, and I heard her telling me about how I am a good person and shouldn't feel sad about it. I asked her why, and she told me "You blame yourself for everything." That is a very personal problem that I am struggling to overcome, of "If I didn't leave her, she wouldn't be having problems right now." This "you blame yourself for everything" shed a light on me about how people have their responsibilities and I shouldn't be carrying other people's burdens when they have nothing to do with me anymore. Finally, I had a really simplistic thought about "we being me". She questioned it, like, "am I you?". I arrived at the answer that, to the outside world (which I call "sensible world" since it's the one accessible with my senses), when there are responsibilities and living-breathing people with their own brains, we are treated as one entity, because, for an example, if she made me do something, I am the one responsible, so in the eyes of society, there is only this guy here. But in my "mind world", we are separate entities. I thought it would be important to make this distinction really early on. That's it for six days. Will try to update daily. Thanks to everyone in the Tulpa Community for letting me know of this amazing concept, the guides and the journals. Tulpas are awesome. See you tomorrow.
  15. Hi, I'm new here in the forums. I have read the Tulpanomicon almost entirely, and I am in the process of making my tulpa (Mikhaila, 6 days old currently). Sometimes I am calling her name and she says "Hi" before I finish her name; Recently, I was in the middle of a mental question directed at her, and she seems to answer even before I finish the sentence; Today it happened the other way around, I could feel she was trying to make a question, and I immediately got what she was trying to say and answered before she finished the sentence. Is this normal? Do you guys also have these experiences? Thanks in advance.