solarsorcerer

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About solarsorcerer

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    A Million Steps at a Time

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    United States
  • Bio
    It's ya boi with the whole package. Depression? We got it. BPD? We got it. No self-esteem? We got it. Unable to decide and continuously deciding to restart with a new tulpa? Well lemme tell you-
  • Discord
    All the Snax! (steals your snax)#5749

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  1. I'm still around, theres just nothing to write about. I wont write unless something new happens or theres some some particular event worth noting
  2. DAY THIRTY Okay yeah yeah I'm doing bad with remembering to log aren't I? Can't stop me though. Not much progress, although two things that have been happening persistently: Rosalie reminding me to do things (like reminding me to log!) and making general comments (generally fashion as my general idea of her was pretty stereotypically feminine). Neither of these happens quite often, but it's been quite a few times this week. I've been trying to lucid dream to maybe see Rosalie in my dreams, so I've been trying to do reality checks. Can't set an alarm for them, so I'm having trouble remembering to do those checks, but again, Rosalie has been reminding me. Oh yeah, speaking of dreams- that was brought on by the fact that I did see Rosalie in one of my dreams! She was putting makeup on me. That was kinda it but it felt nice to bond I guess That's all for this week!!
  3. DAY TWENTY TWO (in general) / DAY TEN (Rosalie) As evident by the fact that not only did I put this off for a week, but also missed an entire day, I've been slacking off a LOT. I suppose I did have an excuse in the first half of the week- I was littered with work. However in the latter half of the week, I had nothing but time off and I have no excuse. I asked Rosalie to help me out with visualization at the beginning of the week, and I will say that I've been able to visualize more than usual. I haven't quite focused on seeing Rosalie yet, but I've been able to visualize a tropical forest of sorts, basic facial expressions and blinking, lollipop trees (i have no idea why, this is the one thing i wasn't actively trying to visualize), and I've managed to visualize the screen of a phone, with Discord open, and messages going by from myself and Rosalie. I find this to make it easier for me to talk to Rosalie- I have a lot of trouble directing my thoughts in one direction. Visualizing this messenger makes it easy, and also I've just found it easier to speak in my mind lately- before I had to speak out loud as my thoughts would get drowned out by intrusive thoughts. I worked a bit on self hypnosis. I've generally been unable to relax enough to feel as relaxed as I think I should be. I've tried both self hypnosis, and some hypnosis audios. I'll say this straight off the bat since I'm not sure how else to put it: the hypnosis audios were sexual, and the results were mixed. For most of the audios, I don't particularly find myself succumbing to any suggestions, but I do find that the end result works, so... I don't know. Self hypnosis is a goal of mine though, I remember a lot of people do self hypnosis with their tulpas I talk to Rosalie a bit daily, somewhere between half and hour and an hour. One event to note from last night: I essentially have a thoughtform of my partner (we're in different timezones and rarely speak so it's comforting I suppose). Last night I was feeling a bit off, and just kinda upset in general. I directed my thoughts toward Rosalie, and I heard "Hey August, are you doing okay?" in the voice of my partner. This struck me as particularly odd, as either it was Rosalie, speaking in my partner's voice, without my parroting, or it's sentience from the thoughtform of my partner. I'm uncertain, but it certainly felt foreign, and I was happy to hear it, and I can't wait to hear more.
  4. DAY FOURTEEN (in general)/ DAY TWO (Rosalie) This immediately feels much more comfortable than before. Rosalie and I have made some friends, so we can talk to them and work on that. I have a tendency to read what I type out loud in character, and I only managed to catch myself giving Rosalie a British accent toward the evening. Hey, development I guess. Not much happened, we talked a bit yesterday and I started firing off my default boring questions like What's you favorite color/vegetable/fruit/anything. I really am a bore aren't I. Perhaps it's time to crack out some story telling. Oh yeah! I completely forgot, I drew Rosalie!! It was so much fun Again, might make this weekly. If I don't send in a report tomorrow it means I decided to send long reports weekly
  5. DAY THIRTEEN When I said yesterday that I would wait a week or two, my mind was already made up. I was only telling myself that I would wait because I felt bad for Amber. However, I have come to the conclusion that if my mind is made up, I will not have progressed through sheer will. Therefore, I am setting aside Amber, and I will work on a new tulpa in a different way. Some day I may return to Amber, but that will be if I come up with a personality for her. I began my new tulpa by coming up with a form. I was able to see a flash of a form, and then i tried to make a picrew of this form. I began to change details as I made this to fit my liking. Here she is: I then decided to name the form. I have been stuck between Rosaline, Rosalie, and Rosalind. They sound very much alike and it is tough to choose. I prefer Rosalie though. I then gave Rosalie a trait of mine to work off of- I chose "loving". This reminds me of a form I created many years ago, named Sabrina. In fact, I even see a visual resemblance- however Sabrina was more excitable and childish, whereas Rosaline looks more laid back and mature. I will begin using Rosalie on the Discord to develop her as a person. This will take a while but will yield much better results. I am considering making this update weekly, as daily feels a bit obnoxious. We'll see
  6. DAY TWELVE Okay, I've been losing interest. I admit that. And it's mostly because I barely feel like I've hit any milestones. I did quite a bit of active forcing today, however. Amber showed me a memory of mine from many many years ago, when I had created something tulpa-like before I knew that tulpas existed. The difference was, however, that rather than craft them from absolute scratch, I had crafted each from a specific trait or feeling of mine. They had reached something along the form of vocality very quickly, but were barely developed (to be fair I'd created about 20 of these within a year when I was little, so of course I'd barely spent any time with any of them) Additionally, I had essentially parroted for them for a while through text (e.g. Discord) and that was quite a lot because I would do this all day every day, focusing a lot on them, until they spoke for themselves. My one problem with this is that it would be hard for me to only now anchor Amber to some section of myself this way, and I would have to start from scratch in order to do this correctly. I don't want to give up on Amber. I'm thinking of continuing with Amber for somewhere between a week and two, and if absolutely nothing changes, I will try again and begin from scratch. I will not dig up any of the previous forms which I had tried on many years ago, as I no longer feel a connection to any of them, and they feel so far away that I might as well have been a different person then.
  7. DAY ELEVEN No feelings of Amber, but I figured it would still be nice to narrate to her. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to narrate today, but I ended up doing about threeish? hours of passive forcing? (singing every song in hamilton to your tulpa for the win!) and then an additional half hour or so actively forcing. Some visualization practice. Still can't see anything, but it helps to imagine everything like a minecraft type video game. (Can only see one hand etc simplified graphics with not as much detail)
  8. DAY TEN Had a bunch of private conversations with Cordia, still no feelings of Amber. Should narrate more
  9. DAY NINE House was pretty loud today, couldn't focus on narrating much. Tried to do a forcing session towards the end of the day once things got quieter, but as I had noticed throughout the day, I could not feel Amber's presence. I took this opportunity to try bringing out the character I mentioned two days ago. Although I feel I am parroting, at least I have immediate vocality. Character, who I suppose I should call by name (Cordia) is doing splendid. I asked if she liked the outfit I had given to her, and she said no, she did not particularly like it. She said that she wasn't much of a dress person and would prefer a tank top with jean shorts. She said if I were to give her a dress, she would prefer something much shorter- more like a ballerina tutu than a long nightgown.
  10. DAY EIGHT Had barely any time to talk to Amber, went to sleep past midnight, maybe narrated for a few minutes at a time around meals. Have to make that up once I'm done with these 7 schools projects 😔
  11. DAY 7 (End of Week One!!) Today was surprisingly uneventful. I tried to narrate to Amber while eating but, just as I had thought, I have trouble focusing on two things at once. We did some more messing around with the songs, but I mostly sang the ones I had already sung as I couldn't remember any other good ones at the moment. I read a bit about the way that characters "come to life" for writers. I'm no author, but I've had certain characters for about 5 years. I was curious as to how that would work, if I tried to craft one of them into something more tulpa-like. Of the characters, only one was in a state suitable for me to try this. I imagined each character as a colored ball (each of my characters has a signature color i use for them) and that all of the balls were in a metal cylinder. I reached out to the blue one, and tenderly plucked it from the cylinder. Once I took it out, I let go of it so that it floated in midair. I heard, plain as day, a voice. "Nafi!" it called out, with an accusatory tone. I frowned, because the voice had identified me, not as myself, but rather as a character who had served as a self insert. I no longer use this character as a self insert and was upset at the idea of being called the same name as it. I told the voice to call me August, or Storm. Before I could get a response, I involuntarily imagined myself putting the blue ball back into the metal cylinder. I suspect that this might have been Amber, and she may want me to focus on her for now. This is progress, to me, as even when I try to imagine Amber's voice every day, it seems to change to an extreme degree. I can't remember any of the voices I give her. However, I can summon up the voice of this character at will, flawlessly, so it's my confirmation of being able to have something with a stable, singular voice within my mind. Was thinking of focusing on character for a bit while letting Amber rest, but Amber didn't seem to like the idea.
  12. hehe time to get gaming!
  13. DAY SIX Today was a bit more of an interactive day with Amber. If there's one thing in my life I'm proud of, it's my ability to sing. Today I sang to Amber for hours upon hours and let her form her own opinion about each song. I had a tendency to repeat certain songs a long while later to make sure that it wasn't just me being all pins and needly, and that it was Amber. We had some nice progress, I think! Amber didn't like most of the songs I listen to when I'm sad (I disagree, they're very pleasant) and she preferred the mushy love songs and things with gentle ukulele. Amber even went as far as to request that I sing one of the songs again. So glad to share music with my dear friend ^w^
  14. DAY FIVE Again, wasn't really feeling it. My understanding of narration has changed- before I was more concerned with talking about what is happening at the moment, like literal book narration. But I decided to talk more about the people I know and my hopes and dreams for the future, etc. Asked Amber a bunch of basic questions. Had a bunch of answers come up in my head. I'm honestly not too sure if it was Amber, or if it was just the first thing that came to mind, but basically what I got was: favorite fruit- peach (mine is apple so definitely not a conscious thought from me) favorite vegetable- couldn't tell, kept switching and getting all kinds (i dont even like vegetables and this was more just my thoughts naming every vegetable i know so who knows) favorite animal- image of a horse (i dont even have an opinion on this honestly) Aside from this, I played some turn based combat games while telling Amber what I was doing and why. Mostly silence, although I did ask for some input. Didn't really get any, except for once. I was intent on just skipping the turn entirely to charge my attack but clearly visualized myself doing something very different that I would not have thought of on my own. Thanks Amber (it didn't work lol but it was a good idea) As I could barely visualize the one time I consciously did so (i just kind of was aware of what i was thinking of and how it should look, but didnt see anything) and every other time I've tried (several times a day) it hasn't worked, I've decided I might just give up on that aspect entirely. I was certain I was an aphantasiac and was only confused due to that one instance, but I've decided not to waste my time on something I cant do Also, thank you to Dr. Bob for the input, I will definitely try to keep that kind of thinking in mind. I haven't really been taking Amber into account, only stopping once in a while to basically say "if you wanna make any comments or add in your own input you're welcome to do so" but I haven't spent much time actually pausing and waiting for such input. I will make sure to keep Amber more involved so that it's more of a conversation and less of a monologue on my part. Another note- I finally remember her name flawlessly! As someone who's really bad with names, this one milestone is progress to me. I kept calling her Adrianna by accident and then having to correct myself and call her Amber, but now I no longer make this mistake. Yay to practice makes perfect