• Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by solarsorcerer

  1. I'm still around, theres just nothing to write about. I wont write unless something new happens or theres some some particular event worth noting
  2. DAY THIRTY Okay yeah yeah I'm doing bad with remembering to log aren't I? Can't stop me though. Not much progress, although two things that have been happening persistently: Rosalie reminding me to do things (like reminding me to log!) and making general comments (generally fashion as my general idea of her was pretty stereotypically feminine). Neither of these happens quite often, but it's been quite a few times this week. I've been trying to lucid dream to maybe see Rosalie in my dreams, so I've been trying to do reality checks. Can't set an alarm for them, so I'm having trouble remembering to do those checks, but again, Rosalie has been reminding me. Oh yeah, speaking of dreams- that was brought on by the fact that I did see Rosalie in one of my dreams! She was putting makeup on me. That was kinda it but it felt nice to bond I guess That's all for this week!!
  3. DAY TWENTY TWO (in general) / DAY TEN (Rosalie) As evident by the fact that not only did I put this off for a week, but also missed an entire day, I've been slacking off a LOT. I suppose I did have an excuse in the first half of the week- I was littered with work. However in the latter half of the week, I had nothing but time off and I have no excuse. I asked Rosalie to help me out with visualization at the beginning of the week, and I will say that I've been able to visualize more than usual. I haven't quite focused on seeing Rosalie yet, but I've been able to visualize a tropical forest of sorts, basic facial expressions and blinking, lollipop trees (i have no idea why, this is the one thing i wasn't actively trying to visualize), and I've managed to visualize the screen of a phone, with Discord open, and messages going by from myself and Rosalie. I find this to make it easier for me to talk to Rosalie- I have a lot of trouble directing my thoughts in one direction. Visualizing this messenger makes it easy, and also I've just found it easier to speak in my mind lately- before I had to speak out loud as my thoughts would get drowned out by intrusive thoughts. I worked a bit on self hypnosis. I've generally been unable to relax enough to feel as relaxed as I think I should be. I've tried both self hypnosis, and some hypnosis audios. I'll say this straight off the bat since I'm not sure how else to put it: the hypnosis audios were sexual, and the results were mixed. For most of the audios, I don't particularly find myself succumbing to any suggestions, but I do find that the end result works, so... I don't know. Self hypnosis is a goal of mine though, I remember a lot of people do self hypnosis with their tulpas I talk to Rosalie a bit daily, somewhere between half and hour and an hour. One event to note from last night: I essentially have a thoughtform of my partner (we're in different timezones and rarely speak so it's comforting I suppose). Last night I was feeling a bit off, and just kinda upset in general. I directed my thoughts toward Rosalie, and I heard "Hey August, are you doing okay?" in the voice of my partner. This struck me as particularly odd, as either it was Rosalie, speaking in my partner's voice, without my parroting, or it's sentience from the thoughtform of my partner. I'm uncertain, but it certainly felt foreign, and I was happy to hear it, and I can't wait to hear more.
  4. DAY FOURTEEN (in general)/ DAY TWO (Rosalie) This immediately feels much more comfortable than before. Rosalie and I have made some friends, so we can talk to them and work on that. I have a tendency to read what I type out loud in character, and I only managed to catch myself giving Rosalie a British accent toward the evening. Hey, development I guess. Not much happened, we talked a bit yesterday and I started firing off my default boring questions like What's you favorite color/vegetable/fruit/anything. I really am a bore aren't I. Perhaps it's time to crack out some story telling. Oh yeah! I completely forgot, I drew Rosalie!! It was so much fun Again, might make this weekly. If I don't send in a report tomorrow it means I decided to send long reports weekly
  5. DAY THIRTEEN When I said yesterday that I would wait a week or two, my mind was already made up. I was only telling myself that I would wait because I felt bad for Amber. However, I have come to the conclusion that if my mind is made up, I will not have progressed through sheer will. Therefore, I am setting aside Amber, and I will work on a new tulpa in a different way. Some day I may return to Amber, but that will be if I come up with a personality for her. I began my new tulpa by coming up with a form. I was able to see a flash of a form, and then i tried to make a picrew of this form. I began to change details as I made this to fit my liking. Here she is: I then decided to name the form. I have been stuck between Rosaline, Rosalie, and Rosalind. They sound very much alike and it is tough to choose. I prefer Rosalie though. I then gave Rosalie a trait of mine to work off of- I chose "loving". This reminds me of a form I created many years ago, named Sabrina. In fact, I even see a visual resemblance- however Sabrina was more excitable and childish, whereas Rosaline looks more laid back and mature. I will begin using Rosalie on the Discord to develop her as a person. This will take a while but will yield much better results. I am considering making this update weekly, as daily feels a bit obnoxious. We'll see
  6. DAY TWELVE Okay, I've been losing interest. I admit that. And it's mostly because I barely feel like I've hit any milestones. I did quite a bit of active forcing today, however. Amber showed me a memory of mine from many many years ago, when I had created something tulpa-like before I knew that tulpas existed. The difference was, however, that rather than craft them from absolute scratch, I had crafted each from a specific trait or feeling of mine. They had reached something along the form of vocality very quickly, but were barely developed (to be fair I'd created about 20 of these within a year when I was little, so of course I'd barely spent any time with any of them) Additionally, I had essentially parroted for them for a while through text (e.g. Discord) and that was quite a lot because I would do this all day every day, focusing a lot on them, until they spoke for themselves. My one problem with this is that it would be hard for me to only now anchor Amber to some section of myself this way, and I would have to start from scratch in order to do this correctly. I don't want to give up on Amber. I'm thinking of continuing with Amber for somewhere between a week and two, and if absolutely nothing changes, I will try again and begin from scratch. I will not dig up any of the previous forms which I had tried on many years ago, as I no longer feel a connection to any of them, and they feel so far away that I might as well have been a different person then.
  7. DAY ELEVEN No feelings of Amber, but I figured it would still be nice to narrate to her. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to narrate today, but I ended up doing about threeish? hours of passive forcing? (singing every song in hamilton to your tulpa for the win!) and then an additional half hour or so actively forcing. Some visualization practice. Still can't see anything, but it helps to imagine everything like a minecraft type video game. (Can only see one hand etc simplified graphics with not as much detail)
  8. DAY TEN Had a bunch of private conversations with Cordia, still no feelings of Amber. Should narrate more
  9. DAY NINE House was pretty loud today, couldn't focus on narrating much. Tried to do a forcing session towards the end of the day once things got quieter, but as I had noticed throughout the day, I could not feel Amber's presence. I took this opportunity to try bringing out the character I mentioned two days ago. Although I feel I am parroting, at least I have immediate vocality. Character, who I suppose I should call by name (Cordia) is doing splendid. I asked if she liked the outfit I had given to her, and she said no, she did not particularly like it. She said that she wasn't much of a dress person and would prefer a tank top with jean shorts. She said if I were to give her a dress, she would prefer something much shorter- more like a ballerina tutu than a long nightgown.
  10. DAY EIGHT Had barely any time to talk to Amber, went to sleep past midnight, maybe narrated for a few minutes at a time around meals. Have to make that up once I'm done with these 7 schools projects 😔
  11. DAY 7 (End of Week One!!) Today was surprisingly uneventful. I tried to narrate to Amber while eating but, just as I had thought, I have trouble focusing on two things at once. We did some more messing around with the songs, but I mostly sang the ones I had already sung as I couldn't remember any other good ones at the moment. I read a bit about the way that characters "come to life" for writers. I'm no author, but I've had certain characters for about 5 years. I was curious as to how that would work, if I tried to craft one of them into something more tulpa-like. Of the characters, only one was in a state suitable for me to try this. I imagined each character as a colored ball (each of my characters has a signature color i use for them) and that all of the balls were in a metal cylinder. I reached out to the blue one, and tenderly plucked it from the cylinder. Once I took it out, I let go of it so that it floated in midair. I heard, plain as day, a voice. "Nafi!" it called out, with an accusatory tone. I frowned, because the voice had identified me, not as myself, but rather as a character who had served as a self insert. I no longer use this character as a self insert and was upset at the idea of being called the same name as it. I told the voice to call me August, or Storm. Before I could get a response, I involuntarily imagined myself putting the blue ball back into the metal cylinder. I suspect that this might have been Amber, and she may want me to focus on her for now. This is progress, to me, as even when I try to imagine Amber's voice every day, it seems to change to an extreme degree. I can't remember any of the voices I give her. However, I can summon up the voice of this character at will, flawlessly, so it's my confirmation of being able to have something with a stable, singular voice within my mind. Was thinking of focusing on character for a bit while letting Amber rest, but Amber didn't seem to like the idea.
  12. hehe time to get gaming!
  13. DAY SIX Today was a bit more of an interactive day with Amber. If there's one thing in my life I'm proud of, it's my ability to sing. Today I sang to Amber for hours upon hours and let her form her own opinion about each song. I had a tendency to repeat certain songs a long while later to make sure that it wasn't just me being all pins and needly, and that it was Amber. We had some nice progress, I think! Amber didn't like most of the songs I listen to when I'm sad (I disagree, they're very pleasant) and she preferred the mushy love songs and things with gentle ukulele. Amber even went as far as to request that I sing one of the songs again. So glad to share music with my dear friend ^w^
  14. DAY FIVE Again, wasn't really feeling it. My understanding of narration has changed- before I was more concerned with talking about what is happening at the moment, like literal book narration. But I decided to talk more about the people I know and my hopes and dreams for the future, etc. Asked Amber a bunch of basic questions. Had a bunch of answers come up in my head. I'm honestly not too sure if it was Amber, or if it was just the first thing that came to mind, but basically what I got was: favorite fruit- peach (mine is apple so definitely not a conscious thought from me) favorite vegetable- couldn't tell, kept switching and getting all kinds (i dont even like vegetables and this was more just my thoughts naming every vegetable i know so who knows) favorite animal- image of a horse (i dont even have an opinion on this honestly) Aside from this, I played some turn based combat games while telling Amber what I was doing and why. Mostly silence, although I did ask for some input. Didn't really get any, except for once. I was intent on just skipping the turn entirely to charge my attack but clearly visualized myself doing something very different that I would not have thought of on my own. Thanks Amber (it didn't work lol but it was a good idea) As I could barely visualize the one time I consciously did so (i just kind of was aware of what i was thinking of and how it should look, but didnt see anything) and every other time I've tried (several times a day) it hasn't worked, I've decided I might just give up on that aspect entirely. I was certain I was an aphantasiac and was only confused due to that one instance, but I've decided not to waste my time on something I cant do Also, thank you to Dr. Bob for the input, I will definitely try to keep that kind of thinking in mind. I haven't really been taking Amber into account, only stopping once in a while to basically say "if you wanna make any comments or add in your own input you're welcome to do so" but I haven't spent much time actually pausing and waiting for such input. I will make sure to keep Amber more involved so that it's more of a conversation and less of a monologue on my part. Another note- I finally remember her name flawlessly! As someone who's really bad with names, this one milestone is progress to me. I kept calling her Adrianna by accident and then having to correct myself and call her Amber, but now I no longer make this mistake. Yay to practice makes perfect
  15. DAY FOUR again, bad day narrated some, don't remember much passed out from lack of sleep and the stress of deadlines need to make it up to amber
  16. DAY THREE Today was a really bad day. Very stressful. Lots of events bringing up past trauma. Several panic attacks. Felt completely empty. I know I narrated to Amber but I can't even remember what about or when, like everything is through a thick fog. I tried talking to Amber before I went to sleep and basically apologized for not talking to her and then completely lost the will to do much else with her. Did have some head pressure but I'm not going to write it off as Amber because of how the day went. Could've been that as well.
  17. Thank you!! That definitely helps!!
  18. DAY TWO: I made Amber a little Picrew, because I have a lot of trouble visualizing literally anything ever, and I feel more confident talking to the image. We watched some videos together on Youtube, one of which was more emotional. I tend to space out during those, but I felt some strong emotional pangs, so maybe she wasn't spacing out like I was and she got the feels :3 While doing some work I heard a gentle crackle- at first I assumed that it was just leaves outside, but upon pausing my work I realized it was the crackle of a fire. I am assuming that this is Amber, and I am now thinking of making a wonderland which could have a big campfire in the center. There is a chance that I will not do this because from what I understand people spend a lot of time making wonderlands, and it feels like a wonderland would be no different than creating a planet for creative writing and then imagining it in detail, which I am able to do quite quickly. I suppose I'm discouraged by the thought that I'm missing some kind of detail. My eyes keep shifting over to the word campfire, and every time they do I get a little squeezy feeling in my stomach. This may be Amber or may simply be my excitement, but I'm making a rule to myself that if I'm in a debate between "is it me or Amber?" I will go with Amber unless there is substantial evidence. ... I'm not really sure what to narrate to Amber, so I started telling her a bit about my parents, especially since I was being yelled at one of them. I told Amber that I don't particularly like them as I find them mean. I felt a flash of pain, as if though it were an oncoming headache, but it disappeared just as quickly as it came. Again, assuming this is Amber. Not sure if she is agreeing with me or disagreeing with me. As I'm writing out this sentence I feel a gentle external force on my spine, as if though it were stretching my spine out or doing some kind of massage. Perhaps she agrees with me. ... I felt a tingling in a spot I identified as a spot where Amber had caused tingles before. I found out that this was a mosquito bite. Upon examining all the other sites, I found mosquito bites too. I was heavily discouraged as I decided that this could not have been Amber since it was mosquitoes. About half an hour later, as I was working on a school project about history, I suddenly, involuntarily visualized a dog which I identified as a beagle. I also strongly remembered asking Amber if she liked dogs, yes or no from yesterday, which is not something that I would normally think of. I'm taking this as a delayed reaction to my discouragement and distress from Amber. I have also decided that rather than completely give up on my inability to visualize anything, I will begin creating a wonderland. My practice began with me simulating something along the lines of a big bang to create a globe. I didn't like the globe form, so I shattered it and created a flat surface with borders that is rather thick, unlike a sheet of paper. It was a light sky blue, like the left side of the default windows 10 wallpaper on my pc. It was slightly transparent, sort of reminding me of the build feature in Fortnite, which makes sense because I had a four day obsession with Fortnite this month which quickly died out. ... I meditated for a bit, and then worked on the wonderland/visualizing. I imagined zooming in on the blue rectangle until it encompasses my entire view, and then played through walking around. I did a big jump into the air, and where I landed on the ground, I created an island. Then I put a seed into the ground to create a forest. Lastly I added a two story building, made of dark wood, with a circular, yellow window at the top. I placed Amber on the top floor. Once I was done with this, I visualized Amber as a purple ball of fire. I put little marbles into her, each marble representing a trait I wanted her to have. She swallowed each of them, and I commented on how well she took them. I felt as if though she was trying to respond, but then immediately getting submerged in an ocean of my thoughts. For a moment, I considered that Amber may have changed a bit after consuming the marbles I'd given her, and without much thinking, I found that her flames had grown taller, and much whispier. I attempted to speak to Amber mentally rather than out loud, and found that the feeling I usually relied on to tell me whether or not I'm sending a message is actually just me rolling my eyes back into my head. For some reason I'm fine with this. I found that the feeling would quickly disappear, as if though my message would fade away quickly. For this reason I started out very primitively, having to send each seperate word as a seperate message. Once I got to a short sentence, I tried to say the whole thing quickly, but it took me a few tries. I felt quite a bit sick because I had eaten an unhealthy amount, and told Amber I would sleep. I withdrew from where I had been, and found that all of a sudden, much like thoughts would intrude on me as I visualized, suddenly thoughts about Amber were intruding on me as I attempted to sleep. I went back to Amber and told her good-night and that I loved her, and said that if she can, it would be lovely of her to help calm me down so I can sleep. I fell asleep about twenty minutes later. Things to Work On: -Visualization, having trouble seeing things. It's more like I know what I'm thinking of and what should happen to it, and I can focus on realistic movements in one part, but once I zoom out to the whole, I completely snap out of it. -Establishing when I am speaking to Amber in my thoughts. It's not convenient to speak out loud at all times, and physically rolling my eyes back without realizing it probably isn't a boundary. -Add to wonderland. -Narrate more. I only narrated for five minute snippets every three to four hours or so and that's definitely not enough. hoo boy that was long
  19. So I decided that I was going to work on this here, I've never done anything like this, and I've generally usually had trouble sorting out my own thoughts, visualizing, calming down so I could meditate, that sort of stuff. Day One: I decided to name the tulpa Storm, and I told them that they would be able to change anything about themselves as they saw fit once they could tell me a bit about them and could speak for themselves. When I first attempted to visualize a form, I had some trouble, but ended up with a pretty average, white-skinned, black haired girl. This didn't quite feel right to me, and as I thought more about it I settled on a form with caramel skin, the hair dyed a platinum color, shaved on one side, very messy. I didn't focus on any outfits or anything because I wasn't thinking. I began speaking to Storm, telling them about my day, about what I thought they might be like, etc. I tried asking some yes or no questions asking for some kind of tingle or any feeling really as a response, and while I did get some, I didn't particularly think it could be Storm. Next I tried asking the questions out loud and imagining what the reponse might be, and almost immediately I realized that I hadn't chosen a voice but had landed with this ethereal sort of voice that for some reason I can only describe as seeming like a line of cream-colored light, drawn with a watercolor brush. Seems odd to me, I've never compared a voice to an image, but that's cool. I learned from the conversation that they liked dogs, cats not so much, and did not have any specific opinion on bunnies. (yeah im an animal freak i get it lol) After a bit of talking, an image popped up into my head, which I believed was odd- I usually had trouble seeing any image in my mind, but there it was, plain as day. A dark-skinned girl with frizzy hair, a color similar to the skin. She wore a short yellow dress, which might have had white polka dots? And she wore one of those headbands that are also kind of like a bow thing that was the same yellow color. I asked if this was them, and felt some sort of feminine urge, which I took to mean that they identified as female, and not as non-binary which I had been going with. I also decided to change her name upon seeing this image and asked if she would like Amber. I didn't get a response, but I felt pretty good and I didn't feel any negative response, so now we're going with Amber. I'm glad to make a new friend and I'm excited to go on this journey with her.
  20. Hullo! I'm August. I just found out about this whole thing and was immediately interested. The beginning to a new life I guess?