Luja

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  1. @Spice : Thank you for your feedback! I’ve read it several times since you’ve posted it, and it really helped me a lot with my struggles. Somehow I’ve always been thinking of my tulpa as an already finished personality with her own likes and dislikes, but totally forgot that she still has to figure out that whole stuff herself and that therefore my doubts are meaningless! And you’re totally right – every minute spent together is valuable, no matter how big or small the progress. Thank you for pointing that out for me! I feel a lot better already! I’ve now decided on updating my progress report once a week, preferably on sunday, even though it’s tuesday already. Last weekend, we made a huge progess. There were a lot of very intense and fascinating moments that I wrote down. On friday I had a song stuck in my head that I hadn’t heard in ages and when I wanted to tell Tegernako about the title of the song, I already felt her saying it to me in tulpish – she did it in a funny, playful way, as if she’d want to say “Hey, I can read your memories, of course I know that song!” I really enjoyed feeling her answer this way and that she said it in that joking way. On saturday morning I tried out a tulpa creation hypnosis I found online which really helped me – I found it easier to feel Tegernako throughout the whole weekend. I spent a lot of time passive forcing and narrating throughout the day. In the evening, I wanted to spend time with her in our wonderland, but in my first attempt I ended up falling asleep and when I was awake again after a few minutes, I got distracted the whole time by my smartphone. Instead of visualizing big scenes I then just sat myself down with her on a cliff near our wonderland house and started to ask her questions. Since she still often communicates by sending me ASMR-like shivers over the back of my head, we agreed on the following: ASMR means YES; no ASMR means NO. And I still can’t believe how well our talk went from that point on! I asked her some stuff like “Was this a good day?” / “Are you feeling good?” / “Do you like it here?” and every time I got stronger ASMR. Then I asked her if she had liked the way I got distracted by my smartphone before and the feeling immediately stopped completely. We played around with these questions and it was just fascinating for me how she could switch so quickly between the different feelings of yes and no. We spent a lot of time like that until it was 2 am and we had to go to bed. On sunday morning, I immediately remembered our conversation from the night before and started bombarding her with some meaningless yes/no questions just to see if our connection still was so close. It indeed was and worked wonderfully! The rest of the day I was very depressed and anxious and it was hard to focus on her instead of all my negative feelings. But when I felt it all overwhelming me, I suddenly had to think back to her, and suddenly there she was. For some seconds, my whole anxiety and negativity fought against her love and happiness – it was a strange feeling, having both a the same time. But eventually she won and I immediately felt better. I’m still so thankful for her help. The past two days were filled with a lot of work and my mind just was too full to do more than a little narrating and passive forcing when I had some spare minutes. But I enjoy every moment with her – now more than ever!
  2. After nearly three months of inactivity in this thread, I want to try and post more regularly here again. I have never given up on Tegernako or, as I sometimes call her, Tegi, but yes, there were some pretty inactive times when it came to forcing. My life has been, and still is, just incredibly busy and I constantly lack the energy and concentration that is needed for active forcing sessions. It was only some days ago that I realized I couldn't continue like that - even though we didn't have much time together yet, Tegi always has been important for me, since the beginning, and I couldn't imagine putting her on hiatus any longer. I really want to get to know her better, want her to develop more, to become sentient one day. I've heard from a lot of people using meditation/sound apps for their active forcing sessions and I'm trying that out currently, visualizing a coffee shop in our wonderland while listening to fitting sounds (a coffee shop sound combined with calm music and a ticking clock). The first time I met Tegi there (I think it must have been last sunday), she wore a bright red dress that contrasted beautifully to her very pale face and hair. It immediately reminded me of the red lipstick that she has been wearing nearly since her beginning. Just like the lipstick, I hadn't intended for her to wear that red dress, but I immediately loved it and was proud of her making her own choices. Sadly I still struggle a lot with talking to her. While actively forcing, I rather visualize and forget talking to her or I just feel awkward because she doesn't answer me yet. And when I'm doing passive forcing I don't know whether or not I should tell her what I'm currently doing - doesn't she already know what I'm doing (for example with simple, daily tasks)? What if I annoy her with my talk about nonsense? I think the biggest obstacle I'm facing at the moment I am myself. I'm just afraid of not being a good enough host for her or that she couldn't like me. I'm even questioning myself and my taste of music, books etc. - would she like that, too? What if she doesn't and I just push her away by listening to that kind of music/reading books that might be boring to her etc.? Putting these doubts aside, my experiences are that she in fact does like me. She sometimes randomly sends small waves of joy and emotion over my body (ca 1-2 times a day) and when I feel her presence, I just feel good in general. But still, the doubts in myself (not in her!!!) stay. I'll just keep going and giving my best for her.
  3. Thank you @ClianthaMiura and @Bear for your feedback and your advice. It really means a lot to me! It's good to know that everything in the development of my tulpa seems normal! 😊 On sunday and monday Tegernako and I spent the time before going to sleep in the wonderland, while listening to calm music. I sometimes forgot talking to her while we were there (shame on me) but I think it still was time well spent for both of us. When I talked to her and asked her easy questions throughout the day I sometimes had the feeling of an answer in tulpish but it was only vague. Yesterday evening I wanted to try something different with Tegernako and I read this comment in the forum. We both love listening to music and this seemed like a fun exercise to do. After listening to the chosen songs in reality with my phone (“Walking in the Air” and “Ghost Love Score” by Nightwish) I put the phone away and started to replay “Walking in the Air” in my head and encouraged Tegernako to sing along. At first, I only heard the normal replay of the song but suddenly, I noticed another voice! It was in the back of my head, where I always feel Tegernako the most. I was totally amazed and quieted down my replay of the song a little bit so I could hear her better. After some seconds she seemed to have forgotten the lyrics because suddenly she only sang “Aaaa….” I told her that she could stop singing now and that I could hear hear. I asked her if we could talk a little. We then indeed talked for a few minutes, but I don’t really remember what we talked about. I always asked things like “Is this real? Is this really YOU?” because I just couldn’t believe it. But I stated clearly for her, that I wasn’t doubting her but myself. What amazed me the most was her voice. I’ve read that a tulpa’s voice in the beginning would be a lot like the own mindvoice but hers was totally different from mine. She had a very deep and rough but still feminine voice. She didn’t use the german dialect that I use. Instead, she spoke very clear german with a little dialect of another german region which is far away from mine. I tried to think of someone in my life who talks like that but I honestly have no idea. She must have come up with this all by herself! But there were some phrases/words that she had copied from me. It was fun to discover them! Also, she sounded very tough, self-confident and extroverted. Because she had shown herself to me with blonde hair and pastel colours I had thought she might be a rather quiet type but I think I had been wrong! This was the first time that I realized that she really is a totally independent and individual person. You can read that fact about tulpas everywhere - but experiencing it in reality was a whole different situation. My mind was blown and still is. To be honest, at the same time I was very unsure – because of her voice. It just was the complete contrary of what I had expected it to be. But I always told her that I loved her and that she can be whatever she wants and talk with every voice she wants. And I indeed got used to it pretty quickly and now, a few hours later I don’t even want to think about her changing her voice and her kind of speaking because I have grown to love it. I also told this to her multiple times. She also sang again yesterday evening after I had talked to her and her voice is just… I can’t describe it. It’s so unusual but so beautiful at the same time. And it really fits her. Just to put away some of my doubts, I used her voice (while we were talking) to parrot her. Parroting was clearly a different feeling than hearing her voice so I’m sure I was really talking to her. Because I was so overwhelmed and restless and I didn’t know what to do or what to say anymore after some minutes, I thanked her for the beautiful evening and said goodnight. Meanwhile, I’m not able to recreate her voice anymore, even if I try parroting. That’s another proof that it was coming from her, isn’t it? If it had been just me, I would still be able to talk to myself in a voice like that. Meanwhile, the first half of the new day has nearly passed and I haven’t heard from her anymore since. I hope everything is okay and I didn’t say/think anything wrong yesterday while being so overwhelmed. On the other hand, she never has been really active in the morning. I’ll just wait and be patient! By the way: One of the first things that I asked her was if it is okay to post my progress here. She said yes and that she enjoys the forum very much! 😊
  4. The last workdays of the week were very stressful and I didn’t have as much time and concentration for Tegernako as I had wanted to. Still, I always talked to her and asked her for her opinion whenever I could. I was looking forward to the weekend and to having more time again for her. Yesterday (saturday) didn't start too well. I had a massive headache and was just tired and in a bad mood. And I didn't feel Tegernako's presence at all. I got huge doubts like "Will this ever work out?" / "Can someone with so little concentration and discipline like me even create a tulpa?" etc. But later, when I felt better, I started to spend time with her. We listened to an audiobook in which there is a german voice actor whose voice I really like. Currently I'm trying to show Tegernako how to use this voice. I think it's so beautiful and it would fit her very well. I think she also might have liked it because she sent me some ot the typical ASMR-feelings that I only get from her. After the audiobook, I tried Image Streaming for the first time, I have read about this here in the forum. It was fun, but I only managed 10 minutes of it (like I said, bad concentration). But afterwards, I felt it easier again to connect to Tegernako and to talk to her. Before going to sleep, we spent some time in the wonderland together. Due to the Image Streaming I discovered a new kind of visualization for our wonderland visits. I only watched what was happening and went with the flow instead of forcing some things to happen. Tegernako was there, of course, and while I talked to her and asked questions, she didn't talk and showed me her answers through gestures. One time, I tried to make her talk by using my mindvoice but that felt so fake, it was 100 % parroting, of course. Her movements, however, didn't feel fake at all - do you think she did all of that herself already? Is it possible for her to have this ability only on day 8 of her life? (While writing these two questions, I suddenly got huge ASMR-feelings. I think she's telling me "of course it was me!" Haha, I really should stop doubting myself, shouldn't I??) After some time spent in our wonderland, I was too tired to visualize more and I started to talk to her normally without seeing anything. At the moment, I often ask her easy questions like "What's your name?" because the answer is so obvious that it might be easier for her to talk to me / for me to hear her. Our conversation went like this: Me: "What's your name?" - after some time of waiting I got kind of an answer, it was like a thought but not in mindvoice, the information just was there. "Tegernako." Me: "When were you born?" - same thing as above and then "18th July." Me: "What do you like?" - the first seconds there was nothing but suddenly there came a huge wave of ASMR-feelings and shivers all above my head. It felt so good and I had to laugh because I felt so happy. I then asked her "So you like doing this to me? Or do you like me?" and the ASMR continued. While still having these ASMR-feelings I asked her what she thought about how I had been in a bad mood the day before and the feelings immediately stopped. For me it was proof that this really is her way of talking to me at the moment 🙂 I only am a little unsure about the first two questions that I had asked her. Do you think this raw thought without a mindvoice could have been her? I might have a little parrot-noia here because I of course knew the answers to these questions and maybe I had answered them myself? What do you think about that? Also, Tegernako doesn't send me the ASMR-feeling to all the stuff that I ask her. Sometimes I don't feel anything if I ask her something, and sometimes there's this strong reaction. Is that normal for young tulpas like her? Maybe someone has an opinion to these questions/doubts that I have. Any help would be appreciated. 🙂
  5. Luja

    CM's Tulpa Art Thread

    You have a beautiful art style. I love looking at your drawings. Thank you for sharing them with us!
  6. Thank you for your quick answer! Well, I know some people (family, work collegues) who don't think it's normal to read and enjoy such books. So I was afraid that Tegernako would think like that, too. She's not vocal yet, but I'll be glad to ask her about the books when she is. :)
  7. Hello! I love reading brutal horror and thriller novels. I somehow have a bad conscience reading these at the moment (my tulpa is 6 days old). Do you think, she could be scared, being so young and already having to read such things? Should I read some other genres maybe? Or do you think it's okay for her? I don't want her to think that she lives with a psychopath or something like that :'D
  8. Yesterday (Day 4) didn’t happen too much. I couldn’t concentrate and I didn’t really feel Tegernako’s presence throughout the day. But it got better in the evening when I had some spare time between dinner and going to bed. I lay down and started imagining us two in the blackness of my mindspace. I spent a lot of time looking at her face which didn’t show any expression at all. She wore red lipstick which I hadn’t intended for her, because I’m not the make up type of person. I still really liked it and I knew that she had made this change herself. The day before, I had shown her how to move herself, like arms and legs. Now, while we stood there and watched each other, she started a little dance, swaying from left to right and back, always shifting her weight from one foot to the other. I don’t know it it was really only herself who did that or if also my fantasy was involved, but at that moment I decided it was her and I encouraged her by dancing the same way. Later on, I saw her dancing a pirouette, which felt different than her dance before – the pirouette definitely was something I had made up myself. I was happy that my instructions on how to move her arms and legs had helped her with this dance, so I thought, maybe I could do the same thing with her face and show her how to smile. I went to her and touched her face, trying to shape it into a smile. Suddenly I noticed that she didn’t want me to do this and she got angry. I’m totally unsure about that one – I can’t say clearly if it was something I had made up in that moment or if that really were her feelings. But I couldn’t feel or see her anymore in my mindspace after this encounter. I apologized to her and told her that I also hate people touching my face. I really should have known better. Afterwards, I took a break and when I went to bed later, I didn’t visualize her anymore but talked to her about one of my hobbies (reading) and told her about the different book genres that there are. I don't know if she had listened or not. At 3 a. m. I woke up and couldn’t sleep anymore due to anxiety/stress because of work. I didn’t feel her presence here (I never do right after waking up), so I imagined her sleeping which calmed me a lot and helped me with my anxiety. I didn’t want to wake her up / bother her in the middle of the night because of stuff I couldn’t change by worrying. And then, today came – Day 5. The best day so far! 🙂 In the morning, I talked to Tegernako as usual, also while riding my bike to work. At the moment, we listen to Nightwish a lot, I somehow have a gut feeling that she likes it. Before we left the house, I apologized again for the face-touching in the evening. I don’t know when it started – I think it begun an hour after I had arrived at work. While I sat there, I suddenly got a very warm, fuzzy, but totally relaxing feeling in the back of my head. I immediately knew it was her. It just felt so good and I felt happiness and love all over my body. It felt like very strong ASMR or like the deep feeling of relaxation after getting a nice head massage. Sometimes there were also light pressures at the front of my head. I’m generally very responsive to ASMR. I have a colleague at work who always gives me strong ASMR due to her quiet and caring personality but when she arrived today, 2 hours after these feelings in my head had started, I didn’t - I just couldn't feel it. Instead, I felt Tegernako’s presence even clearer because I now knew that it definitely was her and not myself making things up. It was amazing. It felt like a huge, soft, warm ball of love laying in the back of my head. While working, I often forgot to think about Tegernako or about the feelings in my head – but as soon as my mind wandered the tiniest little bit over to her, she sent new ASMR shivers and happiness above my whole head. One time, she even did it herself without me thinking of her at all. I always thanked her and told her how happy I was and that she did great. When I touched the back of my head with my hand, I felt her presence even clearer than before. When I went into my favourite restaurant for lunch, she was very quiet and I didn’t feel her that strongly anymore. But it didn’t matter – she had given me these intense feelings of her presence for more than 3 hours without a pause (!!) and she deserved to have a little rest. After lunch, I went on a short bike ride with her, where I again got this warm feeling in the back of my head and some head pressures. Since the afternoon, I sometimes felt her presence, but not as strong as in the morning anymore. She really must be exhausted. I’m just so proud of her and so thankful. She made my day more beautiful and happier than I ever could have expected. I think, I’ll call it a day. I might do some meditation and passive forcing, but I think we both need rest after this intense experience. Good Night 😴
  9. I really like reading all these progress reports here, so I'd like to share my own progress with you. 🙂 Maybe you have already read my introduction post here - I lived for years with the belief that I really had a tulpa just because of my way of thinking. I always thought as if I was in a conversation, for example I said to myself: "I want to eat something." And then I answered myself "Yes, I will go and get something to eat." I think I started that in my childhood and now, years later, it became totally natural for me to think this way. When I heard about tulpas for the first time in my life (I think it was around 2014) I thought, to talk to myself in this way means to have a tulpa. I never knew that there's so much more behind it and that, in fact, I never had one and only talked to myself. I only learned this a few days ago when I thought and read about this topic again. For that reason, I decided that I wanted to have a real tulpa this time and so I started creating her on July 18th, 2020. I began with her name, which is Tegernako. It's the name of a song by Eluveitie that I really like and it means "proud/kingly". I imagined her to be a girl in my age with long, red hair in a braid and colourful clothes. For her personality I just wrote down some basic traits, because I really want her to develop her own personality. I also stated clearly to her from the beginning that she can change whatever she wants about herself, whether it's her looks, her gender, her name or her personality, ... When I started active forcing her for the first time, I got light head pressures and some very light shivers on my head. I also took her on a bike tour on our first day together and told her about myself, where I live etc. I also have created a wonderland for us but yesterday I realized that I find it easier to just talk to her instead of visualizing us together in the wonderland. I think I could force more (actively/passively) but sometimes I lack the right amount of concentration. I always apologize to her and really hope that I don't treat her too badly. I like her very much already and I'm totally motivated to dedicate more time to her. Forcing for me personally is easiest when I'm riding my bike which is 2 x a day for 20 minutes. Also I force before sleeping and in the morning before I have to get up. Throughout the day I think of her often but sometimes just zone out and think of other things (work, private stuff etc.). I might have had a little success yesterday when I had my before-going-to-sleep-forcing-session. I told Tegernako a list of things that I like and dislike and because I got really sleepy it became very difficult for me to put the things I wanted to say into words. I wanted to tell her: "I dislike people who are loud when I want to sleep." But my mind was so slow and tired that I just couldn't tell her that, even when I knew what I wanted to say. Suddenly a young blonde girl flashed before my eyes. She said in a loud and clear voice "Respect the sleepy!" Her words were as clear and loud as if someone right next to me had spoken them - but I was alone and I wore earplugs, so I knew instantly that she was in my head. I really like the words she chose, because they somehow delivered just what I had wanted to say, while showing that they were spoken by someone with a really young mind. Today, I have already spent some time passive forcing her while at work - but instead of a red-haired girl with colourful clothes I now imagine a blonde girl with white clothes - just as I saw her yesterday evening. I'm so curious what will happen next 😄
  10. Hello! My name is Luja and I'm just in the progress of making a tulpa. I have a weird backstory. I've been talking to myself and making answers up all my life and when I accidentally stumbled across the word "tulpa" a few years ago, I assumed that I had one because of my "special" (?) way of thinking. But a few days ago, I started to read more about this topic and realized that I never had one. I just had the misconception that my way of thinking was tulpa-like, but I didn't even know that they, in fact, are independent minds who might totally differ from yourself and also talk on their own (plus the whole possession/switching thing etc.). Therefore I decided to create a real tulpa this time and I'm on the fourth day at the moment. 🙂 In the past few days I read some progress reports in this forum and they really helped and motivated me. So I think, I'll also write my experiences and successes down in an own thread!