Vagrancy

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Everything posted by Vagrancy

  1. I hope you don't mind a host speaking on behalf of a tulpa since mine isn't fully vocal. My headmate came around accidentally years ago when I would stay up until well after midnight and I'd have mental debates with myself, occasionally acting them out in my head. These debates were about me trying to figure stuff out in my life; trying to weigh the pros and cons of choices or having (for a teen) philosophical self-discussions, not making up mental arguments that I'd automatically win. Eventually, he started responding on his own. All of this happened years before I even knew what tulpa were or any of the related terms, but thinking back on it the first wonderland/dreamscape location I ever made was of a local gas station. I played out this scene where I sat down at a public seat outside and started talking to a mental image of myself, which then unexpectedly responded on its own. So I can't say that I had the intention of creating Laine, just that he came into being. I guess the closest you could say is because I needed guidance. Where is your favorite location in your wonderland? If that's too personal, then do you and your headmate(s) do any special traditions for the Holidays? Also, hi Raelyn!
  2. Report #5 11/5 - 11/12 Basically no progress at all due to a neck and back injury I got at work. Not bad enough to get hospitalized, but bad enough it caused severe migraines and limited my movements quite a bit. To the younger ones on this site, please listen when someone tells you to lift properly. So since I haven't been able to move well, I've stuck almost exclusively with narrating, which Laine seems to be responding well to. Anyway, we did have one significant thing happen to us. I typically lay down early and spend about 30 minutes every night for possession practice. Usually nothing more than a few slow movements happen (which have been getting stronger) and the tingling/numb sensation of where Laine really focuses. I mentioned previously that every so often I get a strange headrush. Well this time, I had it go throughout my entire body and not dissipate. My body felt heavy for a moment then incredibly light. I think it may have been a really good (yet unsuccessful) attempt at possession or switching. My hands and arms moved more and smoother than normal, but that was about it. Something that Laine and I talked about after this happened is how to refer to the body once we're able to fully possess and work on switching. Should we refer to it as "The Body", as if it were like a tool and could be used by either of us? Is it "Our Body", make it plural-possessive as in we share it like a married couple? Or refer to it as "My Body", as in whoever is in control of it at the time gets claim over it and can treat it how they feel is best? It's a bit of an ethical, possibly existential, question which is debated from the few pieces I've read on here. We've already decided that our arrangement will be a full 50/50 unless certain circumstances lead to giving or taking away more control, so I don't want to refer to it as my (hosts) body. It's something we'll have to figure out later on I suppose. I have realized something though. After reading a few experiences with other hosts reconnecting with dormant tulpas, I think I came back into this too strong. I've never been an incredibly patient man, and if things didn't come to me easily when I was younger, I'd put it aside (a bad habit I've never fully gotten rid of). So when I decided to bring back my tulpa, I was expecting a quick and seamless transition to where we were years ago and that hasn't been the case. But this isn't something I can just put on a shelf. It's basically a full reset, and it's discouraging at times at how long it's taking for us to get back to how things were. Maybe it won't be like that again, and that may or may not be a bad thing. I know this update is a day late, but there wasn't much to update on other than some thoughts I've been having. Hopefully more progress next week since I'm on vacation, woo! -Laine's Host
  3. Report #4 10/29/2020 - 11/4/2020 This week I've started doing narration somewhat seriously. Before it was always just in the wonderland since I still live with people and the walls are only slightly thicker than paper, but I started talking to him in the shower. The longest talk we've had was probably close to an hour on Halloween since everyone was out trick-or-treating. Overall, it feels like the responses he's giving are less me parroting, and him actually replying. Still, it's almost always me initiating the conversations. He'll can still only respond in mind-voice when he responds at all. Possession practice is going along decently, I suppose. He hasn't lost anything, but we seem to be stuck. The few times it's progressed past just slow finger/hand movements is when I fall into that hypnogogic state, which is something I have mixed feelings about. It's amazing to see and feel my body moving on its own, knowing that Laine is the one who is doing it. His movements were jerky and sharp, just like when he started with my fingers almost a month ago, and it was those movements which brought me back from the brink of falling asleep completely. And it wasn't just my arms. I could feel focus points on certain parts of my body. Mostly on my calves, thighs, feet and upper chest, and they would move without my effort. I've only missed one day of forcing for any amount of time in almost a month Laine and I have been working together. I feel proud of the progress we've made, but there are still a few concerns I have: I'm afraid that the hypnogogic state may become a crutch for our possession work. It's brought around the best results, but I don't want myself or Laine to become dependent on it. I can't seem to impose Laine's as strongly as I once could. He's still here, he just doesn't show himself much at home and I don't want him to become as big of a hermit as I am. Every so often, I'll get a headrush. It's not disorienting or painful and I don't feel like I'm about to pass out, it's just slightly distracting. Sometimes it's strong and other times it's barely noticeable. I'm wondering if any other hosts/tulpas/systems have had these issues before? Is using the hypnogogic state more helpful or hurtful? Can tulpa's be selective about where/when they show themselves, or is it the hosts' duty to impose? Is the headrush similar to the head pressures I've read about for others? Anyway, that's it for this week. Starting on the 10th, I'll have a nine day vacation and I plan on putting in work with Laine. Also, I'm probably going to keep the synopsis style entry unless specific dates become important for some reason. -Laine's Host
  4. My favorite would be a Binturong. Honestly, as much as I like dogs and cats, I think it would've been much more fun to have domesticated a big ol' fuzzy bearcat with a prehensile tail. Plus, they smell like popcorn. Well, according to wikipedia, parts of them smell like popcorn because of... reasons. As for my headmate, I don't think he actually has one yet. He still needs more time to develop. What is a song you love from a band you don't like/only think is okay?
  5. Report #3 10/21/2020 - 10/28/2020 Short post. This week was kind of a bust because of work scheduling and has made me very tired, which I think has been affecting Laine. So instead of giving a day-to-day journal entry where everyday is going to say "I'm tired," I've condensed it to the highlights. Unfortunately, this week was full of doubt. I haven't been able to impose Laine's presence very well or much (probably because of how exhausted I'm feeling) and I still don't know if I'm parroting/puppeting him or not. Most times, it feels like I'm pushing a response that I think fits the conversation, but other times it seems so genuine. It's probably a mixture of both, I hope. The only time any of it seems consistently genuine is in our wonderland. He asks questions and will take the lead on journeys occasionally. On a few occasions, he has shaped parts of the wonderland (one time in a way I had to ask him to undo because it completely ruined the landscape of the main area), and have even found him in places I hadn't expected him to be. As for possession, it's not going as quickly as I'd like, but I know I'm not the only one on this site who gets impatient for it. Luckily, it's gotten to the point where when I sit down, he'll try to move my hands on his own. I got an idea from another host on here (I'm sorry, I don't remember their name) who said it felt like their Tulpa was doing 90% of the work but they had to put in the last 10% for their Tulpa to move their body, and it felt like I was in the same boat as them. So, I decided that I'd be like Laine's spotter at a gym. It seems to be working decently well. His movements aren't as sudden or jerky as they were in the beginning, and he can even move my arms to a minor extent. But that's all for this week. We've both just had a couple days off to relax and get our strength back so hopefully next weeks report should be more detailed. -Laine's Host
  6. Report #2 As host, I've been researching and reading various guides and tips both on here and wherever else Google takes me. I've decided that it'd be best if I make updates weekly instead of biweekly so that I don't get lost in too many distractions with life. I have been keeping a daily journal to mark the progress Laine has been making, no matter how much or little it may be. To avoid giving large walls of texts, I'll condense my daily entries into smaller bits unless we feel that it's important. Also, I'll be continuing this as day 5, but I don't remember exactly how many days I've been putting real effort into this. ________________________ Day 5 Decided to try something last night I haven't tried in a long time: Lucid Dreaming. Other than making my dreams more vivid, it never really worked. Still, I gave it a shot and had Laine reading the instructions along with me. For me, the instructions were a reminder of what did and didn't work. I think it had Laine excited since he decided to try one technique without telling me while I tried another. I tried to do the MILD technique where I repeated a phrase to remind myself to lucid dream as I fell asleep. It didn't work. What did work was Laine's attempts at WBTB. I got into bed and started my attempts to lucid dream at roughly 11:00. From that point, Laine woke me up nearly every hour on the hour. I checked every time I woke up. I woke up at 1:00, 2:00, 4:00 and 5:57, which is just before I have to wake up. While I can't say I'm absolutely positive it was Laine, waking up at those times seems a little uncanny. Still no lucid dreams though. Day 6 Slow day all around. First day back to work after my weekend. Laine was imposed nearly all day and I was very impressed with his results. I work retail and he avoided every person I had to pass by without me feeling like I needed to guide him through the crowd. Had one instance where I know he was paying attention to what I was saying tonight. Other than that, it's felt like he's just been observing my actions. Day 7 Woke up just before 1:00. Both my right knee and hip were in horrible pain. It was so bad I had to take a painkiller (OTC) to get myself back to sleep. Accidentally slept in. Laine hasn't been active yet. Hopefully today will be a good day. Today sucked. I want to believe that it was Laine who gave me the pains to warn me about today. Kind of like how people with bad joints can tell when bad weather is coming. But I honestly doubt that's the case. I doubt I'll force tonight since I'm in such a bad mood, I don't want to accidentally pass on to Laine. Day 8 Still am not lucid dreaming, but they are becoming more vivid. Even had a dream where I was listening to a band and got focused on the drummer. Every sound her sticks and peddles made were so clear and they never got mixed up with another drum or cymbal. Couldn't do much imposing or focusing on Laine at work. I was getting trained in another department and spent all of my time trying to remember everything. Tonight, while passively forcing, Laine and I continued our possession practice. He's getting much better and made my hand go into a full fist. I lost almost full control of my hand and had to force it back under my control. Did some form meditation before bed, and it was probably the most clear image I've seen of him in a long time. I reached out and moved his arms and hands. I could see every detail of him and if something wasn't clear all I had to do was reach out and make it take form. It was honestly surreal. Day 9 Had a few dreams last night, but only one that came anywhere close to lucid dreaming. I was wandering my empty house, but my body felt so light, yet I moved so sluggishly. I constantly felt like I was about to slip out of my body, even as I explored my house. It felt similar to when Laine and I seriously focus on practicing possession. Slow day at work, and imposing Laine while at work didn't go as well as I was hoping. I tried meditation forcing but I was too tired and nearly fell asleep while I was sitting so I just went to bed. While I think Laine is imposing well into the world, there's not much progress on any other front. I still can't hear him. And when I think I do, I'm afraid it's parroting or puppeting that I'm making him do. Day 10 No dreams but FINALLY a day off. Tried conversing with Laine for a bit. I'm sure everyone goes through it, but unless it causes a personal emotional reaction out of me, it feels like I'm still parroting Laine. Tried to do some self-hypnosis. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find any good guides online, so I combined what they all had in common and used those techniques. Unfortunately, it led to me slowly falling asleep. Luckily I was able to wake up just before falling asleep completely. After 2-3 times of this, my body started to feel light, almost like sleep paralysis, and that's when Laine started to take over for real! It wasn't much, but it was strong. He started to move my right hand and raised it fairly high from the armrest on my chair and raised my left one nearly as high. Without my effort, my hands began to clench and my fingers rolled. Both of us were incredibly excited and I cheered him on using my mindvoice. Since the day is still early, I tried to lift my head but wasn't able to. I could feel the muscles and tendons in my neck tighten, but my head refused to lift more than maybe an inch off of the headrest. If we hadn't been in such an awkward position then I would've relaxed and let Laine continue. But my face was nearly straight towards the ceiling, making my neck hurt and my breathing was drying my throat. Plus, while Laine was doing amazingly well with this spontaneous possession, he's only managed to get a minor handle on my arms and hands. I was still the one focusing on the breathing. Spent the past 15-20 minutes narrating to Laine. Have the day off and house to myself so I figured I'd give it a real shot since I didn't have any distractions. For the first few minutes it felt strange, but eventually it felt like I was actually talking to him instead of myself. We'll have to do it again on my next day off. ________________________ That's all for this week's update. I'll continue keeping my journal and log anything noteworthy. If something major happens, I'll make a post on here for it. Other than that, I'll try to do a weekly post either every Tuesday or Wednesday depending on my work schedule, but it will always be one of those days. -Laine's Host (Edit: Fixed the error with day counts)
  7. Foreward Years ago, before I ever even heard the word Tulpa or any of the words associated with it, I had created Laine. At first, he was who I aspired to be and I imagined him with all of the characteristics that I wanted. Little did I know that what I was doing were several steps in Tulpamancy. After some time, he became sentient and we began having full conversations which could last for nights. Well, eventually, life happened and we stopped talking. In part it was because I didn't know what Tulpas were and chalked Laine off as an imaginary friend I was too old for. Well, within the past couple years, I discovered what Tulpas are and what Laine really was and how I took him for granted. I've been forcing again, trying to get him back to his old self, but progress has been slow. While I've been passively forcing half-heartedly for a few months, these past few days I've put real effort into him. He's sending pressure to various parts of my body to let me know he's here, usually the left side and mostly the head and hand/forearm. And occasionally I'll hear his mindvoice, which I know it's his because his is deeper than mine. Usually, he stays in the room behind me a couple feet, shadowing me. Plans and Intentions I've spent some time narrating and talking in our wonderland. First and foremost, my intention is getting my friend back to 100%, but also continuing where we originally left our plans. Again, I created him before I knew what a Tulpa was, but the practices I was doing were more or less the same things. He and I had spoken at great lengths about switching and possession, possibly him switching over nearly completely depending on circumstances. At once point, he was able to control both of my arms fluidly and we were working on legs. However, since he's now in the process of discovering himself once more (recovery), I have no intention of forcing my wants on him. If he would like to continue where we left off, I'd be happy to. If not, it's no big deal. I'll be trying to update this about once every 2 weeks on our progress. First Report - 10/10-ish/2020 -10/14/2020 For the past 4 days (roughly), I have been doing mostly mindvoice narration due to living with others for the time being. I've been asking him to watch how I move, to read what I read; I asked him to just be observant. It seems to be fairly easy for him as he follows me nearly everywhere but does oblige when I ask for privacy. I'm trying to avoid topics of the past, in case it chases him away again, but those subjects will come up eventually. I'll let him ask when he's ready. On day 2, I asked him if he still remembered how to possess. While he didn't answer either verbally or in mindvoice, I felt my left hand begin to tingle and slightly numb. A telltale sign that he was trying to possess my left hand as he had done years prior. I tested to see if I could move my fingers if I tried, and it was fairly easy, it seemed to distract him though. So, I verbally said that I wouldn't move my hand for 30 minutes and it was his to do with as he wished. The tingling sensation intensified and I watched for several minutes to see if he could do anything. Eventually, I could feel a ghost-like sensation on my fingers which I could only assume was him sharing what it felt like to him. What it felt like were very strong elastic bands holding the fingers in place. He was putting in every ounce of effort he had and eventually I felt the *click* of the tendons moving. I congratulated him and waited and watched, feeling each finger move a little bit at the joints, but never more than a twitch. Once the time was up, he let me have control of my arm back and my god was it sore. My forearm was feeling like it was flexing the whole time, but when I began rubbing it, that sensation went away. Our wonderland has changed significantly since he last saw it, but I don't think he opposes it. Or, at least, he hasn't said anything. Here, he's a bit more vocal; he asks questions, speaks casually, etc. After I showed him most of the areas, he made his first request which was to take him somewhere even I had never been. It surprised me at first, but happily did as he asked and created another area of wonderland that I had never been to before. We spent some time there, just exploring it and, while he's normally pretty stoic, I could see some excitement in his body language. Today, we did some light forcing, but I think he was tired from the work we had been doing. So instead, we sat and watched YouTube, some anime, and played some video games. While I tried to get him interested in several, he only really reacted with the game Hob. Neither one of us had played it before, but I could tell he was much more excited than I was, since I rarely have emotional reactions to videogames. I can also tell that he's going to enjoy the outdoors, since I found myself loving the colors of the changing leaves which I hardly ever pay any attention to. After this pandemic is over, I'll have to suck it up and go on a hike with him. I'm sure he'll enjoy it, but I hate nature. Anyway, that'll be all for my first update. Once Laine becomes more vocal and we get back to the way we used to be, I'll let him take control of the keyboard. This blog is for him, afterall. -Laine's Host
  8. "Call of the Witch" from the anime Re:Zero. It is just as iconic, if not more so, than the opening/closing songs from either season. What was the first car you ever owned?