Bryan

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  1. (Copied from Reddit) (Apologies in Advance; while I’ve been living with Tulpas for years, I’m not well acquainted with communities like these, so please pardon any misconceptions and/or insensitive views that may present themselves with this post.) TLDR: I dated my Tulpa for 2 years, and I broke up with her recently, but I regret doing it for the reason I did. Am I right in feeling so? Full: So I first met Maala in a dream of mine. I was 12 at the time, and she was around the same age. We quickly became friends, but after the dream we didn’t interact much. I mostly relied on going into my dreams to try to find her after that, but when I was 19, I learned about Tulpas, and I felt that it would be a good way for me to find her again. From there, I brought her back as a Tulpa, and I mostly relied on her as a companion through the stress of college and my development of anxiety and depression. We started dating shortly after that as well. Looking back, I realize that it was a terrible decision to use her as what was essentially a substitute for a therapist, as well as a crutch for my lack of self-love; I had hoped that her love for me would be able to compensate for my lack of love for myself. It also must not have been easy for her to have to deal with my breakdowns and self-harm all the time. But we kept dating up until last Tuesday (11/10/20). Things were getting much better for most of this year, but in the days leading up to the breakup, I began to think a lot about my future (a not-yet-started career, and a future family). At the time, I didn’t see Maala as someone that I would be able to have a functioning family with, even though I loved her. This was one of the reasons that I began to consider if I had to let her go (that and my aforementioned mental-health issues, my low self-esteem, and the toxic environment that both of those problems of mine created.) Ultimately, I think it was a panic decision. The problem is that I can’t help but think that her being... immaterial was a shallow and selfish reason to break up with her. While I did have other reasons for the breakup, as explained above, that was the chief reason I chose to go with. After the breakup, I began to imagine if I were to break up with a human who couldn’t have children, and I began to think that it was selfish of me to break up with her for that reason. While I‘m still convinced that breaking up based on mental-health was understandable, I feel guilty about choosing a human to start a potential family with over her. I do plan to try to salvage a friendship out of this relationship, after we both have had some time to deal with the breakup, but I can’t help but think that I squandered the relationship we could’ve continued, along with the friendship itself, and that I’m a poor friend/host for doing so... If I may, could I please have some input/insight from this community on this issue? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. (UPDATE—11/18/20: So Maala contacted me again on Monday, and we agreed to meet again on Friday. I still want to have some kind of relationship with her, but I’m torn whether we should just be friends or if I should try again with our relationship, since I admittedly still have feelings for her.)