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About FortuneSnowman

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    with Hemera

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    Long Island, New York
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    I am a terrible, terrible host. Persistent, but terrible.
  1. Hemera: Truly a stoic. I can never tell if she's bored or unimpressed. Porbably both. Me: And that might be where she gets it from...
  2. My mind is a word bank. Nothing I say or type is a direct thought, I have a very strange process about how I think things. I know what I want to say, and my mind provides all the available options of words and sentences to me and allows me to pick and use whichever I want. So Hemera's is hard to find. Just like always, I am provided with options, but one of those options isn't my mind, it's her trying to voice her opinion. Completely indistinguishable from all the others. It really depends on what she says and how foreign it is. I have a nickname, Fishy. All my friends call me Fishy, my family calls me Fishy, my ex calls me Fishy, and I honestly wouldn't remember my real name if I didn't have to sign things. So naturally, my real name is kinda... well, it's certainly not the first thing I expect to be called. That's how I know it was her, she called me by my real name. I was first impressed that she did it, because it was so ingenious and unexpected, and then I kinda chastised her and told her to call me Fishy like everyone else. Guess I can't really force her. She can call me what she likes, in the end. It's strange. I know everything about Hemera and yet nothing at all. I know her favorite color, season, number, her birthday, but if you asked me to describe her personality, I'd draw a blank. It'll get better soon, I know it will. I've been considering a new method, Personal Proxying. It's easy to interpret what I BELIEVE she's saying and respond to it, but then I thought, "What if I proxied her... to myself? What if I held a conversation like that?" Well, it'd be like talking to just about anyone else on here, wouldn't it? Perhaps it wouldn't be as personal as I'd like, but baby steps. I want to know more about her. I want to know who she is as a person, because all those traits I gave her when I started... I don't expect her to follow them. I expect her to surprise me. Maybe she latched on to every one I said, I wouldn't know. I've been wondering what my next step should be. Well I'm finally happy. I know I'll learn about her as a true person, and once I start doing that, and start really having a friend, start hearing her naturally, everything else should fall into place.
  3. Hemera, she's about 5'5", human form with two white angelic wings, black tank-top, tan cargo pans, barefoot. Green eyes, brown hair in a ponytail. She's probably be sitting cross-legged and looking bored, probably not paying attention or otherwise staring at someone else. That's how she usually is anyway...
  4. I've tried a couple request threads, and haven't managed to get a result. You've got some good art here though, real good, so I'd like to make a request for Hemera. We've taken to describing her as a fallen angel, or rather a human with two big angelic wings and no halo. Least not on her head. She's in her late teens, as far as her looks say. Her eyes and hair are brown, and her hair is done back in a ponytail. She wears a plain black t-shirt and tan cargo pants reaching to just above her ankles, and she's barefoot almost all the time. And... I guess, she's contemplative. When I visualize her, she's always sitting, usually on a tree stump in the middle of a field of our wonderland. Usually slumped forward in her seat a bit, resting her head in her hand and staring at her halo which she holds in her hand.
  5. So. Imposition. I've been kind of veering away from imposition, leaving it for last, especially since I'm rather early in compared to most people. Just, now I'm wondering if I should give it another shot. Imposition has that magical property that it can be done from day one and it bypasses all other steps, but it's a bastard to do. At first I wanted to wait until I could at least partially hear Hemera, I know she could help in that case, but I'm starting to wonder if perhaps doing it the other way around might work. I'm tired, very tired... And worried. While I feel her presence almost constantly, I can't seem to remember to talk to her, it's disturbing, annoying. Feels wrong. I don't want to forget her, and I know I won't... But I don't want to ignore her either. I promised a long while back, "I will never get rid of you. Or stop making you" I intend to deliver. Sometimes I wonder if she's scared of me. I would be, in her position. I mean no harm, and I'd never do away with her. I'm just over thinking things. I do that a lot. Maybe she takes that trait after me. Makes me feel like a dad. Can't remember the last time I saw my own dad. Wonder if Hemera has seen hers, or if that's just... Me.
  6. Things have been slow, if fun lately. I've been feeling much more devoted to my forcing, and have finally set up an active forcing schedule, which I've been working into my daily life, though I think it'd be more helpful to just... you know, do it. Not really the point. Anyway, no real advancement. I wish I had some, or any, to report, but nothing of note lately. Nothing of note at all, really. I've gotten the idea back into my head that no matter how long it takes, I'll find some success eventually, so I'm not really worried about my lack of progress. One of these days, you know? Anyway, I think my biggest problem of late has just been... well, some lack of purpose. I felt for a long time that despite all the information I had on how to do this and what I was doing, it just didn't really matter, because something felt like it was missing. I found out what that thing was, it was my devotion, which is why I've been narrating to Hemera much more and why I set up the schedule. It's fun to talk to her, even without understanding when I get a response. Though I will say, I finally signed the two of us up on the tulpa registry, and it's disheartening to see us as the only 0 in that immediate section in terms of vocality. No, what's missing has been purpose. I remember, early on, it was easy because I had some anxiousness propelling me along, and because I always knew what my next goal was. I don't get that anymore. I do have a drive, of course, Hemera herself is a great enough source of that, but I just... don't know what to do next. I feel kinda like I'm stuck. Working on visualization every day, narrating as much as possible... I don't know what my next goal is, or what to move on to, and that really sucks for motivation. I stopped working directly on our communication because it was just too much of a hassle and too uncertain, and figured I could have better success if I went back to my visualization and just kept up the narration, but really... I don't feel like I'm going anywhere, you know? I still have my few fun moments of talking with her, but it feels like I'm trying to ride an exercise cycling machine up a hill. And the hill is covered in tar. And the cycling machine is from Ikea. I'll say it now, because I've never been one to hide this fact, I really want Hemera to talk to me. Nigh, I want to hear her. I feel that if I could at least reach that goal, I would be eternally satisfied, and I'd be happy enough to stop my progress right there if I could at the very least talk to her (not to say that I would, I'll never stop with Hemera. I promised her that, but you get the idea). I tried working towards that directly and indirectly and tried to be more accepting to my thoughts to the point where it was just blatant parroting and... well, I think you get the idea. Tar bike etc. etc. etc. I just wonder, what next?
  7. I'd like to make a request for Hemera on behalf of her and myself. We'e taken to describing her as a fallen angel, or rather a human with two big angelic wings and no halo. She's in her late teens, as far as her looks say. Her eyes and hair are brown, and her hair is done back in a ponytail. She wears a plain black t-shirt and tan cargo pants reaching to just above her ankles, and she's barefoot almost all the time. And... I guess, she's contemplative. When I visualize her, she's always sitting, usually on a tree stump in the middle of a field of our wonderland. Usually slumped forward in her seat a bit, resting her head in her hand just looking like she's thinking really hard about something. So perhaps have her with a halo in her hand, staring at that.
  8. Things have gotten better. Good things come to those who wait, after all, though I'd hardly call it waiting. I've fallen into a bit of a routine, talking to her whenever I get the chance, saying good morning each day, heading onto the tulpa chat for an hour or so for both our sakes. Good ideas there. Good people there. After all, it was thanks to them we made some real progress today, progress I'm actually excited to work off of. I talked with everyone for a while, and you know what? The strangest thing happened. I just... felt like forcing. Now this doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was such an intensity. It felt like "I have to go force now. If I go force now, I WILL get some progress on talking to her. No delaying, right now". And you know what? That feeling was right. Sat myself down, got comfortable, turned out the lights, and thought to her there in the darkness. Listened to the people in chat, too many names there to remember them all. Opened my mind, left it nice and clear. Focused on the darkness I was in, kept myself from wandering too far, just listened. I talked to her the whole time. Last time I'd asked her to surprise me, I'd gotten "Apple", so this time I made a point that if I got that again, it'd probably just be me accidentally parroting. Made that nice and clear so she'd try something else. Kept talking, kept thinking, kept focusing on the dark for a while, then... it wasn't like I expected. Simple, very simple. "Dog". It didn't come quite as a normal word, just popping into my head. It was off, like after a I got the word, I myself didn't recognize it for a minute until I processed what it was. Positively foreign, very unexpected. Undoubtedly her. Now me, being the skeptic I am, I decided "Okay, that might have been a fluke, let's try again one more time to make sure. Surprise me". This time, it was a much shorter wait, and it came in a bit clearer. "Pineapple". No more doubts. I learned today a little something, but not something that really helps others in general. Something that a few lucky may have. I put them into three major categories. How people think. First, those who use images, moving or otherwise, like myself. Second, those who use silent words. Third, those who regularly use a mindvoice. People don't quite realize it, but if you use the first method (no, this isn't taught. some people just go through life differently) then you can easily tell your tulpa's thoughts from your own. Your tulpa will not communicate in the same way. They will aim for the mindvoice is possible, or the silent-words-popping-into-your-head method since its obviously much easier. This is made even easier if your narration is generally vocal, since you can't narrate with the first category alone and both of those methods make your tulpa's attempts at communication more distinctly foreign. Well, that's all for this update then. I'm just about certain nobody cares to read my walls of text, but it doesn't bother me too much. Call me weird, but it feels good to put my experiences down. You know, at least know they're here somewhere.
  9. I yelled at her last night. Christmas night. Let me tell you something, I enjoy my holidays. Back on Thanksgiving, I spent the entire day talking to her, must've been my best session yet. God damn if if wasn't a good day, and she was there for the whole thing, even if she couldn't say a word, and I couldn't see her. So I made us a goal, I wanted to at least hear her, at least a mindvoice by Christmas. Every day, the same old thing. Narrating to her about anything at all, my life, my crush, my worries and fears, hell, even my preference on having kids. Then Christmas came. Came, and went. 24 hours, and Christmas was over. Not a word from her. Not a mindvoice, not a single out of place thought. I looked at the clock at 2:30 in the morning. And I yelled at her. Sounds pretty stupid, probably woke up a few family members. I blamed her, as if it was her fault I couldn't hear a word. Demanded she try and say anything at all, a single word at least. Nothing. And I never thought I'd get so pissed at her. I don't know how it works, but the more I took it out on her, the more miserable I felt. So I went to bed, angry at Hemera. Well, that's the thing. I wasn't angry at Hemera, I was angry at myself. Must be, it was my own fault, and she was the only one I could reasonably take it out on. When I woke up this morning, I acted like nothing was wrong, just went on with our daily routine. Felt her presence still there, if quiet. What kind of a shitty tulpamancer blames their tulpa? Apparently me. I know better. I said my sorrys, I know it's my own fault, and that it's my own failure. In my attempt to remove expectations in favor of hope, I ended up even more disappointed in myself at the end. Well, I guess, back to it, right? Every morning, I wake up and tell Hemera good morning. Every night I talk to her until I fall asleep. Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever work. But it doesn't matter. Even if it never works, of I never get beyond this point, every morning I'm going to wake up and tell her good morning, and every night I'll talk to her until I fall asleep.
  10. I'm not good at making requests because I'm awkward and dumb so I'll just spit out that I'd like to make one for Hemera. I describe her as an Angel, so pretty much a human form with two big angelic wings. She's in her late teens, as far as her looks say. Her eyes and hair are brown, and her hair is done back in a ponytail. She wears a plain black t-shirt and tan cargo pants reaching to just above her ankles, and she's barefoot almost all the time. And... I guess, she's contemplative. When I visualize and fail to impose her, she's always sitting, slumped forward in her seat a bit, resting her head in her hand just looking like she's thinking really hard about something.
  11. I haven't bothered to keep track of how long I've been going at this. Hemera thinks her birthday is November 11th, so I'm inclined to trust her. So, Christmas has just passed, along with my birthday just before it, and I've gotten a gift from her. Her presence. Doesn't seem like much, but when you've got someone who struggles as much as me, it means a lot. I'm working on getting even a mindvoice type of a response before I move onto anything else, and it's been difficult. Only recently did I even get her attention, leading me to believe about a week and a half of forcing had gone right over her head. Doesn't much matter anyway, keep moving forward, and it will come to you. That's the belief, anyway. I've been keeping myself on the right path with the idea that no matter how long it takes, eventually this will work out. Doesn't mean I can't be anxious, right? I've learned to expect nothing, but to hope for the best. I know what it's like when Hemera speaks to me, as rare as it was, I'm just waiting for the next time.
  12. So I guess I've been meaning to make this thread for a while, and there's really no reason not to, so here it is. I am Snowman, also known as FSnowman if you see me in the chat (where I spend most of my time on here), and along with me is Hemera. It's been nearing two weeks of total progress, most of that time being overclocked because I'm stupid. This thread does feel rather late, because I've actually made some decent progress on my own time, just finishing up on visualization. Well, perhaps not finishing up, I keep doing all steps consistently, whether they've been passed or not. I guess I'm just rambling. Anyway, as for how far along Hemera is... Well, she's quiet. Very quiet. Not in the sense of simply not talking yet, because that is to be expected. More of the sense of our communication as a whole being vague and rare at best, though its getting better. She has what I'd like to think is a full personality, most of which seems to be of her own, and she is just about fully visualized. The wonderland method works wonders. See, this is already odd to write. I'm not one for progress reports, especially not firsts. Still, every new advancement, however tiny, still manages to excite me. What few words I get from her always manage to surprise, even if I can't normally understand her. I'd like to think I'm making it work. That, and I think I can communicate well enough to answer any questions, so shoot.