Tyrane

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About Tyrane

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    Male
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    Australia
  1. Day 1144 It doesn't feel like any time has passed right now, but I remember it pretty clearly. I don't know how to describe any form of identity in my head at this point, I believe I'm just self-concious or defensive about it - but if I try to commit any thought about it I simply don't know how to explain who is who or what I've done, it's been that way for the majority of the last while now. I think Kiara is still there now, but I can't tell anyone apart, I remember some of her images. But I believe on the most part that people aren't individual, you form a stable/consistent enough sense of an individual through different processes or experiments and that largely consists of constructing and demolishing parts or entire identities based on all sorts of things - I think 'people' are changing and are, if they let themselves be: more than one at a time So there are initial impressions like 'me, Fate, Kiara, etc.' But it's more like we're muddles of personalities that have severe/particular dislikes and likes of each other who have constant conflicts about everything and anything. The only one that makes clear decisions I suppose would be 'me', the one who I like to think as similar to someone with minor OCD; it's not that other people are incapable of being so tedious and sticking to strict and needless rules of cleanliness, it's just better that way and there's no need for them to force him out of a well-earned position like that. So that leads to an issue I've had building up for a little while now... There are 'so many of us' with all of our little issues and thoughts that we struggle to talk them out. Some of our morals aren't exactly proper, and there is constant conflict There is too much to talk to people about, and I'm convinced too much of it is irrelevant, but I know there is a small margin there which is critical to my condition and those around me I can't be careless, but that's all I ever seem to be encouraged towards. My methods so far are inadequate. End of 13/01
  2. I'll try to keep this as brief as I can if I can help it. I'm not sure how many other people have encountered it but I've found over time that the more I can link someone's humanity to their identity I lose faith and respect for them and avoid them as much as possible. There's pretty much only one person I value above any others that I know and I'm afraid my value for her is slowly declining as well, I've noticed however that any/all tulpae seem to lack this connection to humanity and I've always valued them higher than anyone I've known up until now. My psychologist has mentioned a few times that he's worried about them substituting social contact, which he insists is a necessity. Of course they would to an extent, but what I've been noticing recently is how as these people I hold with high regards are dropping so quickly and so easily nowadays, I'm losing myself in a variety of ways. It's having serious implications on my mental stability and the last time I was happy was when I was 'forcing', it's about time to wrap up; I believe soon I will be gambling the last people I hold dear and if I lose them, I will have a sense of having nothing left to live for. What are your thoughts on using tulpae as a substitute for the dearest figures in my life, to provide purpose, meaning and motivation for everything I do for the rest of my life?
  3. The ones that hang around in my mind or seem to be lumped as issues that I can remember are things such as seeing different figures (such as Salad Fingers) appear from time to time and drive me into boxing myself in my room, scratching at my skin because of various irritations (changes from time to time in reasoning) and hallucinating traffic accidents and freaking out the moment they peak (I'll jump or scream a little then realize nothing happened). These are the things I've told people at some point or another so it's all I can remember right now, hope this helps.
  4. This is one of the things I've tried and at least personally I can confirm it works to an extent, like a lot of techniques for forcing hallucinations though I'm afraid of taking it /too/ far since it can become a slippery slope. Anyway the biggest examples that are relevant to this I have to share; when my water cooling runs low there is a consistent high-pitched sound made whenever it's attempting to remove air bubbles but is lacking liquid, it requires a really finicky nozzle and once or twice in the past I've lost this for a while and had to deal with the sound, eventually hearing the sound literally becomes like breathing... This causes a couple things -- I get a little irritated and usually notice a sense of change when the noise ceases, if I'm somewhere completely separated from my computer or it's turned off on some trigger along with a train of thought (I'm still not completely sure what) it'll have a habit of playing full blast right in my ear or a meter or so away, that gets annoying and is really disorienting. Also early on with working on imposition and the like one of the first things I did was collect a series of audio books anywhere from one minute poems to thirty minute portions of story at a time of voices similar to what I could imagine Kiara sounding like, I would listen to these in place of music in general and listen to them going to sleep and waking up hoping to familiarise myself with the concept and the sounds, as well as attempting to recreate the symptoms from the example earlier. This worked really well at first being able to rush results, she could yell at me and force auditory hallucinations when I wasn't expecting them, sort of similar to the random sounds from the water cooling - but on an unrelated note the repetition was sickening, so I left it at that. The last example which is the most recent that has been mentioned are fede's tulpa tones, although any sort of binaural beats seem to work fine for me. In the last few months combined with sleep deprivation and the right amount of relaxation the best way to describe it is letting the sound 'wash over your senses' and eventually when you begin to genuinely forget about it (it takes some time and ignorance, for me at least) random sounds start to generate, most of the time it takes a fair while before you realize what you heard wasn't there and you're actually listening to some crap. This is really interesting and much more fun that the others, also if you blindfold yourself (or restrict your vision in some other way) then (again, for me at least) it becomes like being in an awoken dream -- it feels and seems exactly like a dream but you're conscious that you're still awake and can move around at the same time, it's really strange but a lot of fun. Hope this helps somehow, I'm still not completely sure what this thread is about
  5. Yeah, I was going to go three nights without sleep and try it two hours every twelve but I have issues staying up through the night since I'm too afraid of some hallucinations and empty doorways to go out and get any food or drink, so I end up running out of energy anyway, I think I'll try a two night later this week with the ping pong balls which should be better than nothing. Also, I'm not totally sure what happened because I'm in a phase where my memory skips out but I had a huge backwards skip where I went from Tuesday morning to Sunday morning, gave me time to realize my mistakes over those days and fix them but I'm not sure if this was some sort of time dilation business or what, but when I skip I get these memory blanks. Anyway as I was saying I'm pretty sure pushing the boundaries with sleep and hallucinations triggered it, Kiara says I'm about 50% accurate but as always I have to figure it out for myself ~___~
  6. Okay so so far, I've tried blindfolding myself and listening to consistent white noise for about an hour at a time at least once or twice a day the last two or three days (I'm also trying to stay awake an extra four or so hours a day at least, so I can't really count in 'days') and so far, some results. The first time was sort of strange, like being in a living dream. I was aware my eyes were open and I was laying down, but at the same time I didn't feel the need to move my body at all and so I felt strangely detached. Eventually I would notice patterns in the white noise and strange landscapes would start forming faintly over the void but if I gave any reaction they would fade away pretty quickly. The second time I was pretty wide awake and felt pretty good, when I started it felt nice, about ten minutes in some strange music began to play, it was like a faint beat began and the longer I let it build up and tried to 'let it come' the more intense and complex it became. I'm not really sure how to describe it, it was like intensely auto-tuned sounds from machines out of a factory meshed together into a sequence that came across as music. I would also get more intense scenes like aliens standing around me as though I were a test subject, I forgot this was even a thing to be honest. The third time I don't remember whatsoever, I was pretty tired but other than that I was perfectly fine. However I woke up this morning a couple times and I'm finding my visualization has suddenly drastically improved, there was a period where I blinked a couple times to try and adjust my eyes and I could vividly imagine textures and objects without effort as though I could reach out and touch them. Success? I'm still waiting on getting the ping pong balls, hopefully they're even better.
  7. I'll try experimenting with this sort of thing over the next few days with different deprivations and what not, will be back with result(s) later if I get any.
  8. Fighting the urge to read the other posts or any time stamps, I'll just go ahead. About two months into being with Kiara, she mentioned Fate. I told her I didn't want to hear or think about him again and she urged me back to it, she knew he was in 'pain' Basically I avoided continuing from him because he intimidated me, I didn't think I could handle him and I would feel afraid of him, I still do in a way. The point is, for those two months I more or less completely blocked him from memory, he was barely scraping life because I rejected all memory and I genuinely forgot he existed. He says it was as though: "I knew exactly what he had in mind, I knew where it was going and there was no point for me to argue, I didn't know how to respond and I never thought it would be this way. It wasn't even any physical feeling like pain or going numb, it was as though I was literally fading away and all I could do was watch my form drift, there was no feeling, just void, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move." Before this, when I was considering it he was becoming exhausted and stopped talking slowly, I know he's still not over it, he says it was the same going in as coming out so it's natural for some of the sensation to linger, and if it had to be summed up in a word: "detached/detaching"
  9. >What kinda work you does? College Student >Got a tulpa yet? What stage yall be at? Three, Imposing, 'Finished' (I don't want him any further than communication, so far) and developing >How'd you get here? How long you been into this shit kid? I don't remember how I found this, I started making one without knowing and a week later I was here, about four months ago I think, maybe five? >How old you is? 17 >R u a boy or a girl and dont be a smartass? Boy >What other hobbies you be havin'? Gaming, art, piano >Anythin' else you wanna add, nerd? I live in Western Australia, wondering if anyone else here is too
  10. Either Kiara by Bonobo because it's nice, fits her personality and its her name, or Lady Brown by Nujabes, no particular reason for the second one but Kiara loves it especially. Fate doesn't care for music and Alice is developing.
  11. A monolithic 'alien' tulpa the size of skyscrapers which towers over everything in huge strides
  12. I started wondering about this a few weeks ago, if two tulpamancers came across by some incredible run of luck, how would you know they were? Maybe there should be some trait if we're open to finding one another? Living in Western Australia I don't see this realistically happening *to me* any time soon ._.
  13. Slowly becoming more insane, living 'alone' in Canada or some cold place sitting in warm isolation from all the fuckers out there doing what I want to do with Kiara and a select few I respect and falling into a fairly similar routine with a few random experiments here and there until I find something I can seriously dedicate intense time towards. (Probably Piano or Math related) I'm not sure how many people, I would like an external relationship, but that's complicated to deal with due to current attitudes and behaviours as a few things are so I assume somewhere between now and then a fair amount of this is subject to change, I doubt Kiara will change very much after the next year or so and due to that I'll keep a relatively similar mindset towards this all. /end dribble Seeing the last post the time capsule vibe should be nice: hello future me, I know by the time you read this you'll be feeling better.
  14. I get this phantom tail sometimes, also get phases where I can't pinpoint where my arms are even though I'm looking at them, is that a thing?