Spoons

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About Spoons

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    Rambler

Converted

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    TX
  1. Today I went back to using Theta Tone, to some limited success. I managed to get some visualization work done but being in the wonderland was still weak and hard for me to maintain. I switched to CF for the last 20 minutes of my session, which was very different but ultimately not a game-changer. I noticed that after I took off my headphones my hearing was very strange and took a minute or two to get back to normal. The face has gone back to being unfocused. I decided that I didn't want to use Emma Stone's face, but the hair and the body (I didn't actually look back to the movie, I haven't seen it in a year or two) are going to pretty much stay the same. I worked a little on the feet and the back, just to try to get some tangible progress, but again I'm awful with visualization and this didn't really do anything. At this point I'm looking at probably another 20 hours at least on visualization. I'm hoping by that point I'll be better at visualization and keeping a static image in my head. The fact is right now I'm so very far from being done with visualization that I feel like I've made virtually no progress. In my life I've observed that I have a decent starting skill level when doing things, but improving and/or learning new things comes very hard to me. I honestly think the best thing for me is to get sleep, but that's easier said than done with my summer classes and work every day. Hours so far: 23.5 Progress: Worked a little on the back and legs, started regarding narration as more personal, treating her more as an imaginary friend makes it easier to talk to her. Homework: Think about not using the wonderland anymore. Narrate.
  2. Note: I know I post blocks of text literally every day, and I'm not conceited enough to think that people will read these just because I am writing them. I use this to organize my thoughts and so I can check on my progress, knowing which days what happened and so on. If anyone can get some kind of knowledge from this, then I'm happy I'm able to help, but just know that I don't think I am interesting just because I write a lot. I was going on the assumption that as I used it more, my "third-eye" vision would get stronger and I would be able to see my wonderland or Liz more clearly. It's been probably around 10 hours or more since I started visualization and using my wonderland, and I'm nowhere close to being done. Every day I have trouble focusing on the wonderland, like getting "into" it. I feel like it's gotten harder since I started, actually. This is probably due to lack of sleep though (even though I'm getting 8+ hours of sleep a night). I guess more sleep or maybe even Melatonin is needed. I have tried several visualization exercises and haven't improved my skill very much, although I did figure out how to use that kind of vision and not try to see things on the back of my eyelids. Personality work, while a little more boring and seemingly less rewarding, is much easier and after a visualization session I tend to always go back to personality for at least 5-10 minutes just to review. Today I worked on visualization, but was pretty tired and couldn't keep Liz in my wonderland (I know this sounds weird, don't post WTFNO yet I'm about to explain). Since my wonderland wasn't coming very clearly to me, I tried to use FAQman's mental photograph of the room in front of you thing. This image was also pretty weak/blurry, so I kept changing the place. Eventually I think I was dreaming, because I was so tired, but I was still forcing. It was semi-clear (I knew what things were but I couldn't really focus on them) and Liz and I were together doing something. Liz was walking on her own (Again, I didn't see this clearly, I just knew it was happening) and we were doing something or something was happening, I don't remember because I tend to forget my dreams. During this dream I got a very short, weak pressure at the back of my head, like what had happened before. Eventually I realized what was happening and guided us back to the wonderland, where I worked on visualization again. I honestly feel a little lost at this point. Visualization is very challenging for me, and I keep going back to personality and going over what I've already done. Liz right now looks pretty much exactly like Emma Stone in Zombieland, but every time I visualize her it's more like I'm re-creating her, not looking back at a static thing. Same thing with the wonderland. My wonderland is not static, but each time I go into it I just visualize it the same way. I'm not planning on giving up, just it feels like I haven't made any significant progress lately. I've been narrating more and more in the hopes that I can get a voice response even if I can't get a visualization or emotional response. Hours so far: 22.5 Progress: Not really anything. Focus time, if that counts for anything. Reviewing traits. Form seems pretty decided on Emma Stone right now. Homework: Be rested. Take Melatonin if that's what it takes.
  3. Today I forced for about an hour, and actually had what I think was my first breakthrough. I was tired again today, even though I tried to get more sleep. I picked up Liz and carried her to the big hill (inside which my memories are stored) and I carried her to the top of the hill and set her down, leaning her up against the one tree that's at the top of it. I talked to her all the while and looked right at her face, and I can kind of get it in focus now. She looks a lot like Emma Stone in Zombieland, which I'm totally cool with. Anyways, I dove off the cliff and into the water which was an interesting practice in wonderland visualization. I swam back to the shore and picked up Liz to carry her back to the towels/umbrella area. This is where things were different. About halfway back I got this really intense, distinct pressure in the back/top of my head. The throbbing was still going on, but this was different. It was like someone was squeezing the back of my brain, not too hard but hard enough so I could feel it. I didn't know what to do so in my head voice I said "Hey Liz, if that's you, could you stop?" because I wanted to see if she could control it. Within a couple of seconds the feeling regressed and I was back to normal with the throbbing in the back of my head. I tried to ask her to do it again, but I think the results I got from that were just placebo. I told her that I was really happy that she could do that and that I would be really happy if she ever did it again. I don't think I got anything like an "Emotional Response" though, just pressure, and it definitely was something that I can't produce when I try. Shortly after this she started walking back to the towel/umbrella area on her own but I think that was mostly just my tired mind parroting. After about 45 minutes of Brian Eno I decided to switch to silent forcing, which went terribly. I was so tired that I would hear music, random voices in my head. I'm not even sleep deprived really, I got like at 7 hours of sleep last night. In the wonderland my limbs also flailed around again, throwing sand everywhere (including on Liz) and it frustrated me greatly that I couldn't control it. I need more sleep. Hours so far: 21.5 Progress: First sign of sentience(?), some visualization face work Homework: Narrate, talk to Liz, hopefully get a reliable response through pressure.
  4. Yesterday I tried to force but was interrupted after about 15 minutes, and was busy for the rest of the day. I've been narrating much better I feel like, and because I've been watching a lot of movies recently a lot of times I will go back over the plot of the movie to Liz when I'm driving or something. The most recent movie I told her about was Attack the Block (really great by the way) which when I got to the end of and was explaining how awesome the ending was I had some tingling at the back of my head, but I think this was just me remembering how enjoyable it was. Today I forced for about 40 minutes, but I was really way too tired to concentrate. Absolutely no progress, drifting thoughts, and my visualization was awful at best. I realized I am using Emma Stone's eyes as a base, for better or for worse. I went through all of the personality traits just listing them, not even feeling them or anything because I was just too tired to do so. I need to get some serious sleep so I can get back on track. I was so tired that when I managed to get into my wonderland I kept popping into third person, or my limbs would move in weird ways (I knew it was really bad when my leg started flailing around and I was just like OKAY SERIOUSLY WHAT). Hours so far: 20.5 Progress: None today. Developed a good way to narrate. Homework: Get sleep above all else. For me, tired forcing just doesn't work.
  5. I forced for about an hour and fifteen minutes, but I'm only going to count an hour because I drifted off for part of it and . I used Brian Edo's tune "Thursday Afternoon" which was very calming and really good, LucidAcid posted it in a thread earlier and I found it very helpful. I started out working a little on Liz's hands, thought I'd try a different approach than I had been doing before. I can get an okay picture of the hands, but changing up the angle confuses me pretty hardcore. I also used ShyGuy's advice and dove into the water and down to the hole in the sand bar, and into my meditative-subconscious area. I've worked it so I can only breathe in the water in there, but not in the ocean water. I spent maybe five minutes on suggesting to myself that a tulpa can become vocal in less than 40 hours, and repeated that to myself a couple times and felt like I had at least some effect. I spent the rest of the time back on the beach, the body is pretty easy for me to get a general image of right now, but I can't really visualize clearly yet (which is something I really need to work on more). I worked on some personality as well, this time placing my hand on her shoulder and imagining the feeling of each of the traits going into the body. I got that pulsing at the back of my head when I did this, but it was rather faint today. My sense of touch is very easy to manipulate, which is something I realized years ago. I can imagine the touch of something more than I can visualize or imagine audio. Without even really meaning to, I could feel Liz's shoulder very clearly (can you feel things clearly?) while I was doing this. I ended the session like I always do by telling her that if she ever wants to talk I'll listen and even if she can't make words I won't laugh at her, and encouraging her to respond by pressure at the back of my head if she can. Hours so far: 20 (landmark? landmark.) Progress: Most important thing that happened today was discovering "Thursday Afternoon". Should help me in the future. Other than that, just general visualization work. Homework: Practice some visualization using photos, look at pictures of eyes, and of course narration.
  6. If it was split screen then you could have like one eye being possessed...? Can you even do that?
  7. Today I sat down to force for an hour without Fede's tones, and an hour with Fede's tones. I realized something: I think I work better without noise than with the tones. Although visualization is a little different, the tones seem to distract me and allow my mind to wander more freely. I also worked a little visualization practice in, because I think just more work with my "third eye" will help visualization come easier. I did the meditation technique that Hawaiian posted, and then kept swimming to see what was further down the place with water. I found a door, which opened to a long hallway filled with water (I felt kind of like I was suffocating, I had to convince myself that I could breathe in this water, or that I had a tank or something) and that hallway continued to open into a huge empty expanse. One of my few really bad phobias is the open ocean (watched too much Shark Week) and I had to force myself to calm down and look around me, and all there was seemed to be a huge wall that the hallway came out of, and the surface of the ocean hundreds of feet above. I swam to the top of the ocean (and the wall) and realized that that wall was just the end of the sand bar that was my wonderland beach. This put things in a nice perspective and I dove into the water on the beach and back down into the water and to the stairs and walked back up into the air. Now back to the tulpa. I found a really great base picture (here), but the face is angled, so I'm having a really tough time imagining what it would look like from the front. I am also having trouble again with the hair, but the picture helps a lot. I had a lot of trouble looking at the whole body, and the thickness of the thighs/upper arms keeps being weird and out of proportion. I feel like I haven't really progressed much in terms of visualization skill. I also looked into what Tulpatalk had said, and confirmed that the back of the head is indeed the visual cortex. This just means that when I am working on visualization blood is flowing to my brain, and has no relation to Liz or her feelings (which I kind of expected, but still feel a little dissapointed). I'm just going to keep working until I get a response. I also worked through personality, reviewing all the traits and channeling them into a ball of light that got bigger and more reactive (no other word for it, like atoms jumping around) as I put more traits into it. I then went into my wonderland and pushed that ball into Liz's body's chest. I didn't get a reaction like many other people did, this is actually probably the third time I've tried to do this and not really gotten anything from it. The whole time I was talking to her about how that body and personality were both hers and really were one, and were hers. Hours so far: 19 Progress: Base picture found, was able to work for the longest session yet (at the cost of my attention towards the end of the session). Also reviewed personality, but did not seem to make a huge impact. I have been narrating at least a couple hours total every day. Homework: Stare at base picture, try to figure out how hair and eyes work. Narrate.
  8. I have the same problem as you with the breasts, but my base image seemed to help that a lot. Also, are you doing a 2D or 3D girl (just wondering based on your avatar). The face should come easier but in my experience I tried working with a 2 dimensional figure but found it very hard to turn and look from a different angle. Also, it seems only people with Asperger's are able to get a sentient and vocal tulpa in less than at least 20 hours (although your belief system might have something to do with that, see the threads on that). I had this happen to me as well in my early stages, where I was working on traits or early visualization and using music or tones and my mind would start putting voices in the white noise. This is just you needing a little practice with meditative focus. Good luck on the rest of your tulpa!
  9. That's really awesome. My tulpaforcing sessions just got like twice as much motivation. Is this posted in the Research section? We should have a topic of "Why Having a Tulpa is So Awesome" or something like that to motivate people (because I have definitely seen a lot of people that need it) with posts from those who have completed their tulpa. Back to somewhat a somewhat relevant topic, could you do possession without imposition?
  10. Whoa, did I miss something? Did someone successfully multitask in Audiosurf?
  11. Yesterday I didn't force at all, I was really busy from classes to hanging out with people to work to sleep. I read JD's post about forcing density, and it makes a lot of sense to me. I am going to try to force for at least an hour a day just to make sure I don't end up with no sentience because I can't keep up with forcing. I'm going to try to follow Glitch and JD's advice both by being consistent and lengthy with my forcing sessions. I haven't tried multiple sessions a day, so that's probably my next move. Forced for a little more than an hour today. I went without Fede's tunes because the construction upstairs seems to have abated for the time being. I tried to go to my wonderland and had limited success doing that, I really have no visualization skill whatsoever. I'm hoping that just persevering at it will make my skill eventually get better, but for now it's pretty damn awful. I switched to personality about 20 minutes in. I added some traits (brave and adventurous) and worked on them each for a little bit. I removed the "sensitive" trait because I felt like it didn't really match her overall personality. I can finally get a general idea of who she is, optimistic and caring about other people and a little naive. I am not going to work in any negative traits on purpose, not because I want her to be perfect, but because I am fine with deviation and know it's going to happen so I will let her get her own imperfections if the deviations happen to fall that way. I got a headache for the first time since I worked on personality, on the right side of my head, when I was working on the "brave" trait. It was when I was attempting to feel what it was like to be brave and communicate that to her. I still have a headache (half an hour after forcing) but it's less intense. The pulsing pressure also came back while I was forcing, it's puzzling me quite a bit. Hours so far:17 Progress: More personality solidification, I feel satisfied with what I did today. I don't really think the throbbing means anything at this point, probably just blood flowing to my brain because I was using it intensely. Homework: Actually remember to narrate (although I usually only do in my head-voice). Maybe leave visualization for a later date, unless I find a really good face to base Liz off of.
  12. Forced for almost an hour today, I'll go ahead and count it as being only half an hour because my thoughts drifted (it's been a long day with classes and getting my passport renewed and and bleh). Worked on some visualization, really have not made any progress. I can't seem to get as "into" my wonderland as I could before. After maybe 20 minutes of attempted visualization, I switched back to personality and went back over the traits. As I did this, the back of my head started throbbing again. The back of my head hasn't throbbed any time other than when I am forcing. I went through all of the traits again and explained to her why she had the trait like "You are generous because making other people happy makes you happy", not too detailed. Hours so far: 15.5 Progress: Beginning to think that the throbbing means something? I asking a question like "Are you generous?" and the throbbing persisted, and asking questions like "Are you a bear?" and "Are you Willy?" the throbbing was still there. Maybe Liz is trying to communicate with me but doesn't have coherent thoughts yet? I guess I'm being optimistic, I wasn't really expecting sentience for another 20 hours at least. Homework: Get sleep. Narrate more. Stare at pictures of faces.
  13. Today I forced for an hour, but I wasn't really able to focus well because I am tired. I still am having a ton of trouble bringing Liz's view into focus, and her hair keeps changing style and back and forth between brunette and blonde. I think my problem is that I just don't know what I want her to look like, so I don't have a face or hairstyle to really put on her. Eventually I gave up trying to focus and just sat her down on the bench and talked to her for a while. I showed her rock paper scissors and explained to her how it worked and also sung (in my head-voice) the first part of "House of the Rising Sun" because I had never done anything other than just talking to her. I didn't make her puppet playing rock paper scissors with me, I just showed her how it works. When I'm forcing I get kind of a weird, pulsing pressure at the back of my head, but I think that's just blood going to my head, as I am really tired today. It happened the last couple times I worked on visualization too though... I guess I'll just wait and see. I've been narrating a little, but only out loud when I'm in my car driving somewhere. I watched another episode of [C] while narrating but that kept forgetting names of the characters and I'm guessing if she can't even really form thoughts yet me describing fight scenes with Assets and Entrepreneurs is just going to confuse her, so I think that's the end of that. Hours so far: 15 Progress: Nothing really, I can picture the body pretty well I think, but it's just a generic female body. The bust size isn't absolute, really nothing about the body is so far. I can get pretty good definition of like one arm if I glance at it from the bench, but as soon as I look above the shoulders it's unfocused and blank. Homework: Sleep, narrate, and look up pictures of faces.
  14. I... Don't even. Do you not know what atheism is? Antitheism is being against religion. Atheism is just not believing in a deity. Also don't believe everything you read.
  15. Thanks for the links FAQ, I'm really bad at visualization and this is really helpful. I picked up a book that looked interesting that was about metaphysics and I had thought it was based on psychology until one of the chapters was titled "How the Holy Spirit Can Be Both One and Many". Meditative or visualization methods seem to be common in many religions, probably just because of globalization people can mix what works from different parts of the world to meet their needs.