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About Merman

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    half man, half sushi

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    Houston, Tx
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    Hello there, welcome to my page..

  1. Okay, been a minute since I made a post to update. I've done a few sessions with Fennel, which were enjoyable, but primarily I have been almost exclusively narrating through the days.. I ordered this book online, "Creating Magickal Entities" (by David Michael Cunningham) which was a good read but mainly was more for a kind of being that would be created for a single task and then dissipated right after. The book had interesting information which I relayed to Fennel while visualizing him beside me. Visualizing him is becoming easier as well. I told Fennel that I respected him and that I cared a lot for him, and I thanked him for allowing me to work with him. The book said it is good to know your method of dissipating the entity from the beginning of it's creation, just as a plan B should anything go awry. I told Fennel about dissipation and how I would go about it, if I did do it, while stressing the fact that I'd never in a million years. I was explaining the whole book to him, and that was one part of the book. I explained how I appreciated him and how he had come to feel like family to me, and that I didn't see why I would ever dissipate him to begin with. When I have no one to talk with on certain subjects I have vented to him and thanked him for listening. During a sit-down session with Fennel, I normally (near the end of the session) will sit facing him with our hands touching, and I will send my own energy directly into his body. I will see white glowing light flow out of my hands and into his, giving him more power and vitality. I normally do this for not too long, since my hands get tired from holding them up for a while. I tell him good morning and good evening, and I always ask him aloud how he is doing. After I ask that question I always close my eyes to see if I feel something. A faint whisper, my mind-voice answering quickly,or even a foreign energy or impression of an emotion. some of the time I want to say I do feel something, and it's exciting. Oh! And the book also talked about "feeding" the entity, giving it attention/ energy, so to speak. The book mentioned these ways: -Talking to it daily creates a bond between you, and it directs your personal energy to it, which it feeds off of. -Offering it devotional plates of food. (the entity will not eat the physical food, but feed off of the essence of the food.) -Meditate on the entity and visualize energy from your astral body streaming into that of the entity. I'm not sure if I had mentioned this before, but somethings been happening more recently than in the past. Whenever I visualize Fennel I never once envisioned him wearing a watch ( I don't personally own one or even care at all for them!) so you can imagine my surprise that each time I saw him in my mind a black plastic-looking watch would appear on his right wrist.. I'd just be like hmmm there's that watch again?! But by now I assume it's a small deviation, and one I can certainly live with. I mean.. he isn't exactly talking and he isn't imposed in the real world yet.. so is it far fetched for there to be a deviation in his appearance? It's minor yes, but certainly not something I'd have picked out myself! Thoughts, people?
  2. Well, today I feel a little accomplished having had an actual wonderland session. I played a nature sounds video on youtube in the background, so that helped a whole lot with the visualization of the wonderland. I felt the immersion. I sat across from fennel, relaxed, and spoke to him about day to day things. I read a passage from Deepak Chopra's The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success to him, and that was neat because the bit I read happened to mention the connection of the physical to the non-physical. I found while reading it was much much easier to visualize him, and his face especially. It has become quite vivid over time. his hands as well as the wool of his vest seemed vivid too, textured I should say. I told Fennel that I initially made a list of personality traits for him, but that I wasn't going to try and Instill them in him. That I wanted him to develop a personality independent of my will, because I am sure I will like him no matter how he turns out. I did read him the list of traits anyway, just to keep the narration flowing, and to simply share it with him. I lastly closed my eyes and visualized myself giving him life-sustaining energy. I pictured life force flowing out of my hand and into his being. I felt a strong sense of connectedness to him in that moment. I told him I had to cut the session a bit short (due to noisy neighbors) but assured him we would do this again soon. I'd forgotten how enjoyable wonderland sessions could be. I have many doodles of fennel floating around, I will upload them as I find them. I also plan on uploading all the different sigils to give others ideas about making their own. They work wonders for Fennel and I.
  3. Just an update, nothing terribly exciting :) Haven't done a wonderland session for a little while now, but will be doing one soon hopefully. I talk to Fennel virtually everyday, narrating to him in scattered bits throughout the day, while working or doing other tasks. I make sure to focus on him while talking to him to make sure he is getting the attention. Every so often I try and visualize him in my environment with me, which isn't too difficult. I find visualizing his face has become easier than ever, which is great progress. I want to try more wonderland sessions with him soon. *also* still using the sigils to remind of him- and that has proven invaluable because It really works for me. Will update again sooner rather than later.
  4. Nothing new has really happened in general, just a lot of narrating in bits and pieces to him everyday. I basically have been directing all my random thoughts about anything at him, talking to him about it. I did draw this picture of him the other day. I was toying with the idea of creating an aura of energy around Fennel, or at least envisioning him being filled with life sustaining energy. SO I art-forced Fennel with auric fields around him.
  5. The day before yesterday I went to work and drew a red hexagram on the back of my left hand, with the name Fennel written across it in black. I want to say it served the dual purpose of being a sigil of sorts as well as a reminder to narrate to him. All throughout the workday I spoke to him, in hushed tones primarily. Instead of thinking thoughts to myself I decided to speak them to Fennel.. I also visualized him by my side most of the day, imposing him right into my surrounding environment. I think I did well with general attention that day. On yesterday I woke saying to him good morning, and felt good about him. I did a wonderland session for about 30 minutes or so, envisioning us sitting across from each other on a black bench smiling. I closed my eyes for this visualization, and I played a 'nature sounds' video off of youtube while forcing. Since the wonderland is a large garden wooded area, (with a waterfall and bridge) the audio from the video helped me feel like I was there physically. I got a real sense of immersion. I told him about how refreshing it was to finally be working with him again and how excited I was to be with him again. I mostly rambled about general musings related to him and the future of our friendship, trying to keep a flow of dialogue going between us. I envisioned us putting our hands up against each other, while I sent life force energy into him through his hands. I also mentioned to him how intelligent he is. When I stopped the wonderland session I continued to imagine him sitting beside me on my bed while I youtubed kids talking, trying to find the voice I had in mind for him. I was unsuccessful in finding the right voice but I will look again another time. Later in the day I went to work and envisioned him at my side nearly the whole day, all the while narrating to him even more than I had on the previous day. I also drew a different variation of the sigil from the day before on the back of my right hand. This is a photo of the second Fennel sigil I drew. I find the reminder is very helpful to me, since I can get scatter-brained at times. I also like making the reminder look like a real sigil of sorts because it indirectly makes me think of the esoteric nature (to me) of the tulpa itself. Today I thought about Fennel throughout the day, but didn't do anything in particular in regards to him.
  6. It has been a while, and my life has gone from being turned upside down to stable. It is time to turn back to Fennel after a long silence, so here goes nothin..
  7. I haven't sat down and forced the way I would like to, but I've at least been narrating, so things are still going smoothly. I went to the wonderland to visit with him, and it was pleasant. I rambled at Fennel for a very very long time, and I noticed how much easier it's gotten for me! We were sitting on the black deck (where we normally sit) and I told him "let's go for a walk", which we did. I climbed off the wooden deck and lifted him off it too, setting him on the ground. I told him we were going for a walk, and that I wasn't sure if it could be considered "puppeting" since it was me making him walk. Anyway, I held his hand and we walked down a dirt path with many trees, the sun shone bright through the branches and I could hear sounds of nature. I held his hand during our walk because it helped me see him more clearly in my mind. There was a red bridge that we walked over to, and once we crossed it I said "Hey look! It's the first bridge we're crossing together". We went into a dark tunnel made from foliage that led out to another path, with tall bamboo stalks on either side. The path led to a secret place, an open, room-like area behind the waterfall. I sat down cross legged and had him do the same right in front of me, very close. Fennel seemed clearer than before (form-wise) in this moment. I held out my hands to him (palms up) and told him to place his hands in mine. I told Fennel that I was going to try and transfer some of my life energy into him. Said "With every breath I inhale, pure energy is being gathered from my being. And every time I exhale, the energy gathered will exit my body through my hands, and enter your body, through your own hands." I told him that the whole process was to help him reach vocality faster, so that we could hang out soon. I stayed breathing with him, picturing my energy flowing into him, like a small stream. We stayed that way for a little while, but I stopped so we could read a book. I think it was good to have that "secret" spot behind the waterfall. Now he can have a place to hide out at if he should ever choose to. Plus the area was empty and serene, seeming intimate almost. We read this book called "In A People House". It's about a mouse showing a bird what people have in their homes. It's a rhyming children's book. I have decided in addition to the wonderland stuff and my usual narration, that I was going to add reading Fennel books and singing to him to my 'daily' stuff involving him. I'm trying to incorporate him into my life more. In all seriousness, I was afraid reading him kids' books would hurt him, but my friend tells me it shouldn't, especially if he is in his early developmental stages. I am considering switching back and forth between Children's Stories and occult literature. Do the kinds of things you read to them early on effect them in the long run? p.s. Children's books are kind of dumb, but they teach us basic lessons. I think for a developing mind stories like that are golden. p.s.s. I think I may upload more drawings of Fennel on here. They break up text (which makes it easier to read) and I like drawing him.
  8. You could try zoos, museums, aquariums, hiking, walks in the park, to the mall.. art galleries, concerts, colorful places, maybe with lots of activities like festivals or conventions.
  9. Today I feel good about Fennel, I feel like he is growing, slowly but surely. The last two days I was feeling mentally tired so I just stuck with narration as I went about my day, but not too much of it though. I did force again earlier, so we were ale to have a sit down in the wonderland. I noticed at first it was very hard to keep focus, but after a while things got easier to visualize. I told him about my friends, a book-making business I wanted to start, even about whether or not I was doing any household chores today. The rambling went on for a good while, the whole session ended up being maybe an hour and a half, I didn't keep track (not that I usually make it a point to). In the wonderland I told him how I was having trouble picturing his form in detail so I was going to start passively forcing him around me during the day, while narrating if I could. Kill two birds with one stone sorta thing. I brought out the little treasure chest again, and this time pulled the key 'to my heart' out of myself, unlocking the chest. I pulled out a beating heart, and told him I wasn't giving him two hearts, but rather reinforcing the one he already had inside of him. Told him it's for bringing life all through him, pumping blood through the body. I then pulled a beaker of neon green Ether out of the chest, pouring it on the beating heart allowing it to be absorbed. I told Fennel that this was the heart that will pump the life force all through him, making him feel even more alive than ever. After I explained that to him I put the heart into his body. Lastly from the chest I pulled a brain out and proceeded to tell him about how intelligent, smart, and how good at problem-solving he was. How he was so smart and creative, and with that, I placed the brain in his body too. I had him stand up, and forced a skeleton into him, telling him this was what holds him together, protects his organs, and helps him retain his shape. Then over that came the muscular system, which was for helping him move, dance, run, walk, etc. Then finally skin/ fatty tissue, which I didn't feel needed too much of an explanation..same thing applies for the shaggy brown mop of hair on his head. I don't know if forcing the systems like this helps, but I immediately was able to see his form way clearer right after. I know I am supposed to 'dwell' on each thing I add to him for fifteen minutes maybe, but I was honest and told Fennel that I didn't have the attention span to focus on those things in that way. I told him we would just work on it a little at a time. I told him I didn't mean to dote on him quite so much, It's just exciting to be that much closer to having him fully actualized in the real world. Then I went to look for a book to read to him (after the session in wonderland) but couldn't find a good storybook and thus ended the active forcing for that moment. In the last few days I have thought I heard his voice, or rather something that sounds like it could be a voice. I hear noises in my head, like words but muffled and distant. I don't know if it is him or not, but i'm assuming it's him either way. Although one of the voices I thought I heard sounded deeper than I though Fennel's voice would sound like, but I guess I wont really know what it officially sounds like 'til I officially hear the kid. Also, I just thought I'd note that the other day while staring out the window on the bus (while listening to music) the word PALINDROME popped into my head. A palindrome is a word spelled the same way backwards as forwards, and I thought "Could this be Fennel?" because for one thing I actually had to look the word up after it popped in my head, and it was utterly random and unrelated to what I'd been doing when I thought of the word. If it is Fennel, then I have no clue what he wants with palindromes.. maybe it's a sign he'll be good at scrabble? Can't say for sure.
  10. I sometimes draw an ideogram on the back of one of my hands. It's a big "F" to remind me of my tulpa, Fennel. I spend a fair amount of time doing craftwork, and since I'm always using my hands the symbol has served as a constant reminder.
  11. I narrated an okay amount today, as I have been doing. I talked to Fennel in little bits throughout the day, and I know it may not matter much overall, but attention is attention. I sat down to do a wonderland meeting, and my focus was on his physicality for this session. I was so scatterbrained today that I could barely keep focus, getting distracted. And when I finally focused on him it was hard to hold the image. The face and his wings are the hard parts. The wings, I can look up and remember. The face though.. that'll be tricky. Luckily I have reference images for that. Every time I tried to picture his face I saw it out of focus or blurry like a scrambled image. I ended the session early in since I couldn't concentrate for some reason. I will have to focus a session on his form tomorrow. Maybe switch between days devoted to his personality and days focused on form? We'll have to see. I'm not even 100% about the colors of his clothes yet so I want to figure that out over the next day or so. His wings are a medium size, not tiny but not that big, just the right size to me. This is a sketch of his wings for now: Instead of my original plans for today I ended up reading out loud to Fennel instead. I read to him articles about finding who you are in the world, exploring your self and interests, and a series of journal entries by some girl who was attacked on the street while walking home. I didn't know the girl's journal would end that way, (she was okay afterwards though!) and if I'd known then I would never have read it to him initially. I am so glad I did though, because I feel like i'd be taking something from him. If I shelter him from bad things he will have a warped view of the world due to me. Not to sound melodramatic. I want Fennel to have a well-rounded perception of reality, so I plan on reading him some well rounded stories, or perhaps just watching a bunch of good movies with him, show him the array of people and places and things there are in life, all wrapped up in enriching films. Maybe we'll watch Hocus Pocus. This brings me to a legitimate question, how does the experience-sharing thing work? Like if I eat a delicious pie, can I do something to where he could taste it? Or if I bask in the sun, is there any way to transfer the way it feels on me to him? I think I've seen around this site people saying things that led me to believe it's possible, but I can't say I know how. Really want to learn though. I am okay with my progress for the day, but I want to do more daily. Tomorrow looks like another attempt at tulpaforcing his form, and otherwise just a heck of a lot of rambling to him, and maybe more drawing him, as I believe it's a form of forcing, passively.
  12. Yesterday included a hefty amount of narration, starting from a "Good morning!" all the way until "Goodnight". I rambled to him about random things, like health related goals, my thoughts on the law of attraction, and how I would choose to implement it. I also spoke to him of my future, where I stand in life and what I need to get done to do better for myself. I covered a good array of subjects, and I am planning on reading him stories soon, in addition to the narration I have been doing. During the session we had yesterday I was having trouble picturing Fennel in our original wonderland, so I tried picturing him in the new garden one, and that worked out fine. I remember the birds chirping, the smell of damp earth. All the colorful flowers and trees, even the sound of the waterfall behind us as we sat on a minimalistic blue couch. I sat across from him but then moved right beside him on the couch to be close as I spoke to him. I told him about the personality traits I wanted him to have, and that he could pick and choose between them, as nothing was set in stone. I had a small wooden treasure chest in my hands, and pulled a skeleton key out of my heart, and unlocked the treasure chest. (symbolism!) -I first pulled a literal heart out of the wooden box, and held it thumping in my hand. I told Fennel that the heart was to help him have a greater capacity for loving himself and others, and that he could be filled with the warmth and light of the bond we have. Then I slowly pushed the beating heart into him and it disappeared into his chest. -I next pulled a literal brain out of the box, and explained to him that I wanted him to be intelligent, inquisitive, in wonder of the world. A fully realized person with interests in learning and knowledge. I told Fennel that we only grow and develop as people when we are learning, I wanted him to have a thirst for knowledge because it is such a beautiful thing to love to learn. I told him he was already smart and already alive, that I just wanted to help give him the 'tool' to think even more. I then placed the brain into his cranium, through the top of his head. -I next pulled a vial of glowing green liquid out of the treasure box. I turned to Fennel and told him this was Ether. "Life essence". Again told him he was already alive and that I couldn't wait for us to get to know each other more in the future. I remember thinking I didn't want him to drink the liquid (because I wasn't sure how it would taste) so I turned it into an orb and had him absorb it. The rest of the box's contents were regular personality traits. I imagined each one as a different colored orb, for simplicity. I pulled each one out individually, told Fennel what it was, explained why I thought it would be beneficial for him to have the trait, and then had him absorb it after I spent a few minutes explaining the trait. I did this with all of the traits, it was over an hour, nearly two overall. It went by pretty quick though. I didn't give him any negative traits, I've decided to let those form on their own and work with him from there, in regards to negative personality aspects. After I gave him all the traits I gave him a long hug, I can still see him vividly, his wings, the water, everything. These are the traits I gave him, dunno If they may all be considered 'traits' though: -Intelligent -calm -curious -sassy -optimistic -insightful -friendly -creative -organized -goal oriented -problem-solver -determined -enthusiastic -understanding I am gonna need to buckle down and work on more lengthy personality related sessions; I found myself searching for reasons for each trait, so it was a bit hard at times but I did it. So far today I haven't forced much yet, only narrated here and there earlier. As it is still the morning I may go ahead and force some after I finish typing this all up. I am eager to make official contact with Fennel, and I am excited about him.
  13. -Fennel is male, the same gender as me -He is roughly 12 years old, with white feathery angel wings (not uncommon) -named after a vegetable?? -wears a British schoolboy uniform (tall socks, shorts, sweater vest & tie) I don't know of other tulpa who wear school uniforms? (except Japanese school uniforms) - short, only about 5'4 maybe.
  14. Today has been rather fruitful. I woke up and started talking to him right away, telling him good morning. I spoke to Fennel during breakfast time about random things I thought of as I went about starting to get ready. Then, I sat and I narrated to him in the wonderland. I told him about my favorite musicians, about how were going to be such good friends, and that I would help him progress as a being. I even told Fennel that he can change his shirts, name, things like that since i haven't decided on a final form just yet. Or rather, I changed my mind about certain visual aspects of him recently. Like becoming uncertain about his formal clothing, or his name. I told him that I was going to be introducing several traits to him soon. That he could pick and choose from all these suggestions for desired traits. I then told Fennel about the fact that I had been thinking of maybe changing the wonderland into something more tropical, or perhaps some place green and lush. I let him know that we could always change it back if he tells me he doesn't like the change later on. I asked him how he was doing today, and kept focus on him all throughout. I said bye for now when I knew our narration was ending. I felt very... satisfied in a spiritual way, almost, after I finished that little session. These are the new looking wonderland ideas I was thinking over.(Also I don't know if there are rules regarding putting many pictures like this in here?) These are good depictions of how I generally want the new wonderland to look. I need to find more similar pictures to get a better mental rendering of the place in the meantime. I wanted a walled-in garden paradise springtime place of enlightenment vibe going on, and to me this is a great start. I am considering a black hardwood deck with comfy blue sofas on it, and the Japanese paradise garden (with waterfall) to be all around us. I drew this last night on my computer using a mouse but I thought it came out nice enough to put on here. More semi-passive forcing since it involves focusing on the tulpa's form intently, while actively drawing the artwork itself. I know that the form is just a superficial aspect of Fennel, but I have been so worried about what I want him to wear, look like, etc. I started thinking his school uniform-like clothing was too formal, and later I thought that it was just fine. I feel like a control freak about the clothing but I know I will ultimately go along with almost anything, since he can always deviate his form at a later time. I feel good today.