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About Jack

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    Eclipsed Nitwit


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  1. Thing is, I was forcing at least one hour a day. Sure, there were days I was occupied and forced passively. There were also days, when I forced more than 1 hour. Given that I've been doing this for 8 months, I belive it is quite some time. I'm not doing hour counts really, I know it's tulpa poison. I just can't get rid of the thought, that we should have progressed a bit further by now. And to clarify, by "I stopped "parroting" them" I meant that we didn't converse as much as we used to - I just changed my main goal to finding their 'true voice'. Thanks for your response though. I planned on talking/narrating as much as possible, and thanks to your advice I am even more certain that it's the right choice.
  2. I am a terrible tulpamancer. Even my tulpa said so. And right now, I am a bit stuck. Both in visualization and vocalization. In possession too, but honestly, we haven't been practicing it, so it is a minor worry. I don't know where to start, so I suppose I'll just write down my whole story here. I'm from Poland, English isn't my native language, so please don't go grammar nazi on me. I've always been a little bit... odd. I don't know what's the scientific name of my difference though; really introverted? Schizoid or Schizotypal personality disorder? Maybe a mix of those three, I really don't know. Point is, I could never have a real friend, or feel any connection to another human being, be it on the internet or real life. Even my family was affected - I never loved my parents, which is a shame, because they loved me. I said "have a real friend", because I never had a problem in talking, hanging out or befriending someone; I'd just avoid it, if able. I would rather delve into my internal fantasy world, which I really loved and had no problems with at the time. I have a few 'close friends', one of them calls me his best friend. But I don't feel a thing towards him. And so I became depressed. For quite a long time, too; I don't know when it really started, but I think it lasted about 6 years. Somewhere in 5th year of depression I became a pothead, and gradually forgot about my beloved fantasy world, replacing it with smoking weed and doing practically nothing. During that time I really hated my job, so I'd either work, smoke pot or cry. And honestly, It was the worst part of my life so far. And due to smoking too much I became par(rot)anoid. One day, whilst browsing 4chan, I stumbled upon Tulpa general. Curious, I visited tulpa.info, started reading, and I can honestly say that it really got me interested. The possibility of having a real friend that I'd care about really got into me. So I decided I'd stop smoking pot, quit my job and go to Polish equivalent of collage, which would start in 7 months. I had plenty of time to force, didn't I? It was a bit more than 8 months ago. When I first started forcing I didn't expect to have a conversation with my tulpae right away, but right now I know she was alive and sentient about 2 weeks in - I could feel it, but I dismissed it as excitement of some sort. I had too many doubts at the time. I carried on, mainly just narrating - my visualization skills were too chaotic - and a month later I got a first response. Clear one. I was in my bed, trying to fall asleep, describing some hypnagogic hallucination to her and she responded "I see". I was so happy I almost stayed up all night. Somewhere in that time I started getting out of my depression. Clear responses like that were rare, and I got really discouraged. I wouldn't give up though - I never would. My doubts were almost gone, I knew she was in there. I slowly realized that the problem lies within me - that I'm deaf, that I can't force, etc. I started thinking that it's because my personality disorder or whatnot, I started doubting myself. I still do, it's painful and I can't get rid of it. During that time I had problems with sleeping, sometimes I'd skip a night of sleep. In one such night/day of sleep depravation I noticed, that sometimes I answered to myself, mostly with "yes" or "no". Now I know that it was my tulpae, but back then I dismissed it as something related to my insomnia. I was to par(rot)anoid to accept this as a response. Also, I didn't entirely quit smoking pot. Sometimes, on occasion, I'd do so. Mostly when I was drunk, but still. This condemned my visualization skills - it was too chaotic. I couldn't control it. Strange things happened, intrusive thoughts were so numerous I gave up not once, not twice. Vision changed so often, sometimes I couldn't get a grip on something before it dissapeared. So I continued to narrate. One night I wondered if I have two tulpaes, since I remember having imaginary friends, and I got a clear confirmation from my tulpa. She wasn't alone in there. I was confused, but then another response popped in my head, urging me to believe her. And so I did. So, I had 2 tulpaes. I had a new resolve. To force more, to believe in them and myself. I also thought that it'd be a good idea to get rid of weed that I had left(it wasn't that much, but it'd tempt me), but then I realized, that I've never forced high. I've read a few positive opinions on doing just that, and I was ready to sacrifice my visualization skills in order to get in contact with my tulpaes. And so I started smoking again, but this time only to tulpaforce. I stopped doing so for good about a month ago. Now that I think of it, I don't know whenever it was a good or bad idea. Due to that, I accepted those "parroted" responses more easily, and I had a better feeling of my tulpaes. On the other hand, my visualization skills went downhill. After that, everything went fine and dandy, at lest for a time. I couldn't visualize that much, but I had a good feeling of my tulpaes, we could even make some basic conversations. Everything ends, though. Some time ago I realized, that I had no clear response for a long time, I caught myself parroting my tulpae a few times, and about a week ago, during a forcing session, I heard clear "You suck at tulpamancing"(Blunt honesty is one of main traits of my tulpae). I stopped "parroting" them, and concentrated on finding their true voice. To this day I got a few clear responses, some mumbling and nothing else. Honestly, right now I don't know if I parroted them, and started forcing for real just now. I'm stuck. It hurts me to see that I suck at something I care so much about. And how much progress I've made during those 8 months. Sorry for this walls of text, but I wanted to give every detail I could about this case. I just really want to really talk to them and finally get rid of my problems for sure.
  3. Pretty much this. You cannot give up, you cannot think about giving up. I know how simple it sounds, and how hard it can be sometimes, but you just have to keep going. Eventually, your patience is going to be rewarded. Also, forcing is what you take it to be. If you are going to force thinking how your tulpae won't talk to you anymore, or just generally filled with negative thoughts, then you won't get too far. You have to be optimistic.
  4. Well, I don't know how many hours I'm in since I do not count 'em, but first audible word was somewhere around 1st month in. I'm currently a bit more than 4 months in and it has gotten a little bit better. Presence can be felt, sometimes a word or intention is uttered, but that it. It's killing me from inside lately.
  5. Let me continue this offtopic by saying that it won't necessarily spook you. For me, it isn't a scary experience. It's true, I can see myself deformed most of the time, but it's just... strange, that's all. I remember that once I saw myself with a head of a bird. Or with really long hair. Besides, if you think that looking at mirrors whilst dreaming is terrifying it WILL be. That's how dreams work.
  6. I usually get light head pressure and effect I personally call "disco", which could be described as a flashing light in both of my eyes.
  7. I'm currently struggling with vocality. I am one week away from 4 month mark since I've started forcing, and I'm yet to talk with my tulpae. I had some clear responses, but they were really rare. Most of the time I can just feel her trying to say something without any real effect, some random mumble(I'm not even sure if it's from her) or some fuzzy word or two(It's like I am in a room full of people talking and she is trying to say something to me). And I can't hear anything when I ask her to say something. Lately, because of this, I am feeling like a puddle of mud. My guess is, I am obviously missing something here. So, my question is, how did you guys attained vocality for your tulpa?
  8. Hypnagogia is your FRIEND when tulpaforcing. Do not overdo it though, because its friendship will consume you - you will fall asleep. So, each time you are trying to befriend hypnagogia set an alarm clock beforehand. Comes in handy. In all seriousness now, hypnagogia DOES help to hear your tulpae, and if you play it right, it can also really help you with visualization. There is a thread about perfect visualization from the half-sleep state lying around somewhere. Oh, and those "terrifying visuals" MAY(not necessarily will) appear if you are already (sleep)paralyzed and open your eyes(if you manage to do so, that is), but usually when your body is paralyzed you have much more interesting things to do. Like building sky-castles in your head. Or spend time with your tulpae, building sky-castles toghether.
  9. Fear. Fear discourages me from forcing. As of late, I'm afraid that everything I'm trying to achieve is going to fail terribly, and I'll never be able to be with, or even talk to my tulpae. Earlier on doubts were troubling me as being afraid is troubling me now, but I guess I already dealt with them. Mostly. Being paranoid sucks.
  10. Tell you what, Usbac, I suffer from depression too. For six years now. For about two years I am paranoid. Also, add Schizotypal personality disorder to the cocktail. I have it for as long as I can remember. I started forcing about 3 months ago, and though I had some responses, I'm yet to have a real conversation with my tulpa. Back in the time, due to the fact that I am paranoid, I had my doubts. A lot of them, actually. They combined with my low self-esteem and created a nasty thought, that I cannot even have a tulpa. But I carried on. Then I doubted that my tulpae will love me. But I carried on. Then I just doubted her existence overall. But I carried on. That's what really matters, you know. You have to carry on. You can't get rid of your doubts instantly. But if you carry on, believe me, they won't bother you as much. They will slowly dissipate. Talk to your tulpae. Give her a lot of love and attention. And you will make it. Be patient, and you will be rewarded. You have to be patient. And about those promises - just try as hard as you can to achieve what you've promised. And then, if you won't be able to make it, your tulpa will understand. You tried. Oh, and people say that hour count is tulpa poison. Personally I believe that, but then again, it's just an opinion.
  11. A bit more than 2 months since we've started, barely vocal, emotional responses. Times are gettin' hard, but hell, now way I'm going to stop right now. Your tulpae is your award, m8.
  12. I wouldn't tell my mom, she would worry far too much, I'd end up in a psych ward. My dad, on the other hand, would be glad to hear about it. Most likely, that is. Sometimes I talk with him about metaphysics, paranormal and weird things overall, he is pretty interested in the topic. I'm afraid to go overboard though, which almost happened once. Too much of a pointless risk.
  13. I have one question; What do you mean by "pushing your thoughts towards the front of your mind"?
  14. To be honest, I think I've accidentally created a winamp-servitor. I can play music in my head, preoccupy myself with something, and the music would continue "playing". Although If I am REALLY focused, the music would "stop", or rather I'd just not "listen" to it. It is still playing - after I'm done with whatever I've been doing to divert focus from it, I can still hear it. Even MORE, it acted as if nothing happened. Here is an example: I listen to, let's say, pink floyd - dark side of the moon, and stop "listening" at 2:00 mark. I focus on something else for 3 minutes, and when I'm "back", the music is at 5:00. It started back in the time when I never knew what tulpae or servitor is. It was really disturbing for me back then.
  15. I fell asleep. Bricked out. Started dreaming about pretty birdies and hellfire. Thus, I was unsuccessful. Thanks for your response, though, it really helped me out. I'm definitely going to try blinking + muscle twitch method today. Cheers.