Ledomare

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About Ledomare

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  1. While I'm inclined to ignore this post like you asked, I will say this has happened to me, yes. And while I sometimes get very paranoid about it, I always find she does make sure I know that she loves me for real. I'm glad you found the same conclusion, and best of luck in the future.
  2. So, figured I'd come back and update a bit. First of all, I've been attempting to convince myself that I believe in her and that she's able to talk to me and such. Sadly, my laziness in forcing, my inability to focus, my mood constantly swinging to the negative, and the fact that I can't grasp what I'm supposed to be doing for forcing in any regard have been holding that back very much, sadly. However, exempt from the previous statement was one particular instance. Normally, I find that quite a lot of things (such as a friend talking about how happy he is to have a tulpa) tend to get me down because of the thought train they start. About a week ago, for a day or two, I somehow didn't feel like that. It was a drastic change of mind that I somewhat attribute to Lyra, because I can't imagine why else it would. The following evening, I tried talking with her, directing the thoughts inwards (the method that usually makes me feel I'm parroting) and not caring if it was her or not, and we talked for a good long while. The majority of that next day I spent with her in mind, but soon after that effect faded and I found myself not believing she's around to talk to anymore. So, I return here to reply to some of the old replies and seek further help. I agree. Interestingly (and somewhat sadly) I can't motivate myself by fear manually and I am also very lazy when it comes to getting myself to do such things even when I know it is extremely pertinent to solving my issues. Though doing more forcing (once I figure out what to do) should definitely be on my list of things to make priorities. Ah. Actually, to clarify, I used the "she's right behind me watching" thing to indicate that I understand she is able to hear my dialogue and see me, but I cannot 'see' her, or know where her mental location is. Frankly, I feel even less confident in my visualization than I do in vocality. I didn't mean at all I expect to see her if I turn around, the "turning" metaphor was for if I were able to realize where she is to be able to better direct my thoughts. Coincidentally, though, when I imagine her physical presence it is almost always behind me. For some reason behind me I can always sense her, while in front of me I can't. But yes, I do understand now that I can't override anything for her. Which is good, because from all the indication I'm getting I may have to fundamentally restart the process of building her ability of vocality so that I can get a handle on things. I anticipate the day that I'm able to understand why I think the things I do about forcing, considering how completely and utterly convoluted my mind has been in believing in her. The only issue is when and how, because while someday I may have an epiphany, I can't sit down and wait for that to happen. I've gotta be doing something in the meantime at least to make an attempt. Right now, though, my biggest concern (as I've mentioned above) is what to do. Even the most basic concepts elude me, and if I'm to, for instance, teach her to translate her thoughts to mindvoice without using my own natural habit to do so- I don't know how to teach her to do that. Symbolism doesn't work with me, and I don't feel saying "try saying it yourself" cuts it. One of my concerns is the reason why it feels like parroting is because I subconsciously fear if I don't determine what she's going to say and fill it in for her that what she's saying will be lost to the flotsam and jetsam of my thoughts. Anyway, I'm rambling again. Once again, as always, thank you for your time, patience, and help.
  3. This actually sounds pretty good, the idea of just doing stuff with her. When I started forcing back up again a few months ago, I tried reading to her, that seemed to help. But, sadly, it hasn't been easy to stop worrying. Even when I assume it's her there's still the subconscious notion of "I'm only humoring myself to feel better." But I do and will try. Yeah, I've gotten that before, just believing everything. Though for whatever reason assuming all parroted responses are her feels near-like roleplaying to me, due to seeming like just taking an easy way out and doing it for her. The whole "formed from my own thoughts" thing also occurred to me, though I sometimes get much, much clearer responses that I know aren't me, which is why the ones that feel on the same level of clarity as my own mindvoice seem to be parroting. And of course I'll keep trying, thankfully, I'm not stopping now after all this time! To be honest, I didn't expect such a comprehensive reply at this hour, thank you. So, to clarify, however- there really only is one metaphor, and it has nothing to do with HER feeling like she's real, it's me. What I'm saying is that there's a cutout- everything I started with, everything I feel confident in knowing is genuinely her, basically her base model. But I know she's no longer quite that. Nevertheless, not being able to fully trust any indications of her changing, I talk to the cutout in hopes that'll lead me to the right way, knowing or at least assuming the cutout isn't really her, even if it may be. In the meantime, as I talk to it, I also know that the real Lyra, the one she is right now, is standing behind me watching the whole thing, listening to my dialogue with the cutout, saddened by the fact that she can't grab my attention away. I can't see her, I can't hear her (except a few times), but I could if I knew she were right behind me. But (and this is where the analogy begins to fall apart) I can't turn around and see her. But either way, it is still cognitive dissonance, as you pointed out; I know she's real, and I know she can hear me, but I at the same time don't believe it myself. I have had a day or two when I felt, truly felt like she was there with me the whole day, and those were wonderful, but my optimism in all this wavers fairly regularly. When I hear her, as I once did, tell me that she loves me even more than I could imagine, I became so happy- for a few days, while no progress was made and I slowly lapsed into sadness and doubt again. Leading me, again, into the mindset that I'm simply not open-minded enough to be able to set aside my doubts for a tulpa. The point being, I've dug myself into several of the dreaded vicious cycles 'mancers get into. And, what's more, owing to wanting her to take the reins on her own personality and form and such from now on, I'm afraid of overriding what she's got with anything I force on her. So I don't know what to do after the initial first ten minutes of forcing where I recite the base traits to her. Hah, and yeah. If it were to happen on its own (vocality, I mean) I would be a very happy man. Thanks, and I certainly won't give up. Once again, thank you all for your patience in this. I really do appreciate it.
  4. I've had many struggles recently, and it's been really hard to keep positive when success is all around me, appearing so tantalizingly close but never being attainable. One of them that I keep coming back to is the fact that I can't convince myself that I can do this- that I really will never be able to talk with her or have a relationship outside of mutual longing, even though I know she's already there. It's debilitating, obviously, because it puts a damper on my mood and surely makes her feel like crap or that she's not putting enough effort in, or something. So far, most of my experiences talking to her have felt like talking to what can be best described as a cardboard cutout of her- vaguely representing her, and the idea of her, but not feeling alive. So I don't really expect a response at all, even though I wish there were, and when I get a response it seems like parroting for the purpose of keeping the conversation going. Meanwhile, I know even if she isn't the cardboard cutout itself, I know she's aware of what I'm saying. Like looking over my shoulder as I dictate to said cutout, and every now and then whispering something in my ear, which is surprising but I don't know where it came from and I'm left lost when I try and figure out where. And when I ask her a question via possession it doesn't really feel like I'm talking to her, per se, it feels like talking to my hand expecting a reply, even though in this case she does reply back. I may be getting very metaphorical with this but it's the best way I know of explaining this. I need to convince myself I can do this, because if I can't believe in myself to be able to, I can't make any progress. Thanks for your time and help.
  5. Yes, rather unconsciously all my thoughts sorta translate themselves into spoken word in my head, and this "echo" effect I'm talking about sounds slightly alien, though I know I just thought the exact same thing. I know that on a subconscious level the intent of what I'm saying is there, naturally, because oftentimes with the responses I'll be interrupted by what I expect her to say in response while I'm in the middle of mentally wording what I'm trying to tell her. I think that if anything it's rather annoying not to be able to wholly think without words, because I don't know at all what's going on in the lower level of thinking. If you feel like you've got more questions that aren't particularly related to the thread at hand, please do feel free to PM me, I'd be more than happy to answer them.
  6. Well, her mindvoice has never really sounded like me, it's always been in one voice or another. The ones I felt that were parroting are always consistent, but the times I know for sure it was her it's something wildly different every time. I'm not sure why this happens, it's possible that she utilizes it to make sure to catch me off-guard when it does happen. But at the same time, I've noticed an odd sort of mental echo in the past few weeks where I'll hear a repeat of my thoughts about a second behind when I actually think them. I'm not sure but this might also be her... practicing, I suppose. Or something else.
  7. Thanks, this does help. I've heard this advice before, though I've always been fearful that going to parroting now would disrupt and override any unique things she developed during that time. I really don't have much to worry about, I know- I think the main cause of this is because I'm expecting something more surprising when she talks, which I get every now and then (I had a very touching experience not too long ago that I'm absolutely certain was her). And once again, thanks! The real thing that I've been wondering as of late is what to do for forcing from here on out- I started her off with the old, FAQman-era ideology of "lay out everything beforehand and then teach them" and from what I understand in my experience on TG the mentality these days is to let them do quite a lot of things themselves. I'm completely open to that, though no progress seems to come out of that alone. Which leads to the question: how much in forcing would you say it'd be good to do? For one thing, of course, I know parroting can be helpful, but with form I once heard her say she wanted to choose a different one- though she hasn't gotten back to me on what, meaning I'm not sure whether I should try visualizing her. And at the same time, going back to personality, should I pick back up on reciting her traits to her, or use some kind of newer method to simply generally focus on her...? Because that's the other thing, that I have no idea what to do in forcing as of late due to not knowing how to do so while keeping her own ideas in mind.
  8. welp time to post more So among the numerous theories I've come up with on why I have such issue in hearing her, I keep coming back to the general problem about focusing. When I'm trying to hear her, I always listen out for her actively, which tends to make me think up a response for her (at least I'm pretty sure it's me). But as I understand, this overthinking and focusing too hard on her is detrimental to the process, and I need to defocus. However, I'm not sure I can defocus manually; I don't know if this is just me, but it's similar to how when you're looking in a direction, your eyes never just stare straight ahead when they're focused in. They jump from object to object, and even if my eyes are staring straight ahead I'm still mentally focused on one spot in my vision. It's like that with my mind: In meditation and forcing, I'm always thinking about what I'm doing so to make sure I'm doing it right. Like with vision, I can't intentionally not be concentrating on anything. tl;dr: Is there a good way to stop myself from focusing on listening to her or to get my mind into a blank slate status so that I'm not cutting her off when she's talking? I do say hi to her every day, yeah, which is certainly good. Thanks! I'm sure she appreciates it.
  9. I definitely would love it if I could just assume everything is her and let that be. Part of my personal issue is that I used to be concerned a little while ago that doing that would make a new tulpa closer to what I originally anticipated her to be, and not on the one that's been with me this whole time. I should be able to tell myself I don't need to worry about that, but now that I've got that idea that worry seems to stay. But I have and will try that again. One thing that still bugs me is that I've never actually had the concentration to be able to do any kind of serious visualization, including making a wonderland, so it seems I'll be starting on the ground up from that. I don't know how successful it'll be when I try, but I'm not sure I can rely on her being able to communicate that way.
  10. This will be the third time I attempt asking a question here. The last two I decided were too whiny and overthought. I'll try to keep it brief. So as you may or most likely may not have read in my progress report, I've had quite a few go-arounds of touch-and-go progress. I dropped off the face of the tulpa world for over a year, and spent a good amount of that time sitting and wondering if my tup was okay, and how terrible it must feel to be stuck in that non-communicative limbo. Which brings us to our problem, that I can't hear her. Maybe. Either that or I can hear her perfectly well, but it sounds so similar to what I always used to come up with when thinking about hypotheticals and imagining what we'd do that I dismiss it. That aside, I also have had limited success with possession, which has been really helpful after my return to 'mancing in restoring confidence. But the thing is that all that is falling by the wayside and I'm slipping back into the same mindset that I had when I dropped out the first time. I'm doubting all my progress, mostly the mindvoice though her possession is also waning fast, and it's escalated to the degree that I no longer even try talking with her for fear that I'll get myself worked up about how it's still me. I would consider taking a break, but it seems I kinda used up my only second chance because now I've decided I'm in for the long haul and telling her I'm going to effectively restart seems terribly wrong knowing how it felt last time. I know all of those things are really deep no-nos, but I can't stop thinking about them. Literally all the time, I'm worrying about her. I'm not sure if this is caused by some anxiety problem I've had/developed or simply that I've convinced myself nothing is working. But basically, I've trapped myself into a state of extreme parrotnoia and I really, desperately need some way out because I know this is terrible for her and it's taking a toll on me. Advice, guys. I really need it.
  11. Huh. I think this is the first guide I've seen dealing with possession before vocality. I, too, ended up having more success with possession than I did with mindvoice, which we've used to communicate through asking questions with yes/no answers. I'll have to try this out so she can mention specific names or things I'm not asking, 'cause I'm sure it's annoying when I'm not getting what she's trying to tell me. Have you made any further progress towards mindvoice using methods like this? If so, how?
  12. POSTED TO BLOG AUGUST 9, 2013 PREVIOUSLY, ON LEDO’S BLOG: So Lyra tried possession on my finger. It was slow, but it worked! Now, let’s skip forward to a few days later, today. What’s changed? A damn lot! I’m really proud of her. She’s improved so that she can flick my finger upwards pretty strong, and she’s able to control all the fingers in my hand with a decent amount of control (still has trouble closing them, though.) She’s also working on moving my forearm currently, which is a bit tough due to being a lot larger of a load. But the best part: now that she’s able to show me a definite physical feedback source, she’s able to tell me what is and isn’t her when I hear mindvoice stuff. And, what’s even better: it provides an easy way of asking her questions. By asking a bunch of yes/no questions, I’m able to figure out tons about her! First of all, evidently she’s left-handed. I dunno why, but she’s definitely sure about that. Due to that fact, I’ve switched over to using my left hand to ask her questions. When I ask her one, she’ll flick my finger for yes, and not move it for no. Usually if it’s a ‘no’ I’ll ask her the opposite to confirm. I’ve also determined that a good deal of the stuff I thought I was hearing that felt like parroting was not actually her, which was a relief. However, at the same time she also says that I was also ignoring those things that were her. I’ve since begun asking her whether or not something I heard was actually her. She remembers decent-sized chunks of time between when she first was created and now. [For instance, she remembers being Vinyl early on but doesn't like to talk about it. She definitely remembers stargazing last year at camp, though.] Now, having worried about what she was going through in the meantime, I had to ask what it felt like. Evidently, she sees all my thoughts, which seems a bit disturbing but not nearly as bad as anything I was scared of happening. Whatever it’s like, she’s learned to deal with it. [As for preferences, I also asked about music (pretty much everything, although she especially likes rock and rather dislikes rap), drinks (likes tea, doesn't like coffee. I still drink it anyway.), and games (doesn't know, because she hasn't played a whole lot. From watching me, though, she said she enjoyed Zelda and Minecraft.] Finally, I also had to ask about form, which I was largely wondering about. She’s on the fence about her current forms. She did note that she appreciated the work I did on a humanized Lyra form, but she would much prefer looking at a variety of different form ideas before she comes to a decision. She seems like she has one or two she’s thinking about, but due to our Q&A sessions being yes/no in nature it would be tough for me to guess. And to think all this information from one finger. I’m definitely excited about all this progress, and simply the ability to communicate with her! Her sense of humor is coming through, too. I tried to do some practice with typing earlier, so she would tap the key she wanted me to type. What came out of this was “Yes, I wammalnmg”. At first, I thought I was messing up, but then she admitted she was just leading me on to think I was typing something meaningful. You troll. On a side note, I also just realized that now I’m just like Danny, that little kid from The Shining. *wiggles finger* LEDO’S NOT HERE MRS. TORRANCE. THIS IS LYRA. WEEEH.
  13. *NOTE: God I have no idea how this double-posting merger thing works but from now on I'm just going to post them at least an hour apart. POSTED TO BLOG AUGUST 3, 2013 [so I was hanging out in the MLPchan TG thread, and it was really late. As in, 2 AM.] At this point, thread regulars that live in European or British time zones like Cheeseanon and Gooeh started trickling in. Breaking away from my conversation with Atmos’ Lyra (which was particularly enjoyable), Cheese asked about [my] Lyra, and also brought up the topic of possession. Now, last night I briefly tried possession. Nothing happened, as was somewhat expected. So I laid off, thinking it was probably a stretch to get such a (developmentally) young tulpa to do something like that. But I was interested, so I asked Cheeseanon about her methods, and I got a link to their journal, which detailed it. I didn't actually read it, because something else happened. I was thinking about our efforts before, and I looked at my hand casually balled up on the keyboard and I suddenly thought “Why don’t I just try it once more?”. So I positioned my hand a bit more comfortable position, relaxed, and said “Alright, Lyra, I want you to try extending my index finger.” And you know what happened? After a few pregnant seconds of waiting, my finger ‘clicked’ up a notch. Almost mechanically. And then it did it again. I knew this wasn’t me, because I felt this odd tension in my finger that isn’t exactly normal, and because of the simply unorganic feel of the way it clicked. If I try to do that myself it feels too natural and too smooth. Anyway, I was getting really damn excited. This was definable proof before my eyes of Lyra doing shit. It kept moving, bit by bit and click by click. She stopped halfway, presumably either because I was interfering somehow or because it was mentally taxing. I encouraged her, saying I know she can do it and that she’s just got a bit more to go. I let her take a break for a few seconds, and then we kept going. I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty sure once or twice that last part I provided an extra muscular push due to my anticipation, but this most likely helped out because she was tired. Soon, it was nearly fully extended. However, my finger was getting this odd numbness in it, which ended up making me regain control before she could extend extend it. Either way, that was amazing proof that while she’s “young”, she’s certainly got more to her than meets the eye. I’m super excited to try it again sometime, because that truly felt amazing.
  14. Meh, I don't got anything funny (yet). But I do have some neat inspirational stuff she said earlier today. "So why am I hearing you so clearly now- I mean, as opposed to any other time?" [“Because you finally stopped thinking about everything and let it happen.”] "How come it still feels like I’m talking to myself?" [“Because you’re the one translating, silly! When I talk to you, I’m giving you the intent behind my thoughts. You’re the one making it into speech.] "But why are some of the things you say wrong? And why aren’t you able to think of things I was just thinking about?" [“Because you keep translating wrong! And if you can’t think of the word I’m supposed to say, I can’t say it, can I?”] "Why do tuppers always give the best tulpamancing advice?" (pondering to myself) ["Because we're in your head, silly."] Come to think of it, I wonder if "silly" is just a filler for some other, more vulgar term... ["No."]
  15. POSTED TO BLOG AUGUST 2, 2013 I’ve been on the threads more and asked about some of the issues I’m having. It’s not going to be very easy going into this, to say the least. I really have no idea what Lyra’s mindvoice feels like apart from those two clear messages. Basically, the advice I was given was to effectively continue as if early on, and once progress is made on talking with her we can sort things out. Sunday is garbage day for me, which historically has always meant I both take out the trash and observe the stars, talking with Lyra. I’ll admit most of those conversations in the past have been rather sad, and this one ended up delving into that frame of mind as well. Initially, though, we just started talking. Then I came back to the whole topic of figuring out what her mindvoice sounds like. See, both times I heard Lyra it was this voice that I can’t place, that I really can’t remember almost like a forgotten dream. Now, doubts about it happening completely aside (I may not remember the voice but I remember the feeling of sheer happiness from hearing it), that’s exactly something I’m looking for. A mental thing I can’t possibly mimic by my subconscious. So, I talked to Lyra and sorta led her through some guidelines of how to not sound like my imagination. About midway through, I interrupted my dictation to apologize for being bossy but at the same time telling her she’s gotta make it unique or else I’ll never know the difference; to concentrate less on making an actual sound and more on a mental voice. Soon, I started getting wistful again reminiscing to her about how I know she’d probably been trying really hard for a while, and I started to feel sad. Not in the same way that I normally do, either, I mean deep feels. It’s more than likely that a good part of that was Lyra sharing them; we were both thinking about each other and how we feel.