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About Dr.Simmons

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    Sollipsist Antisocial Guy

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    I have always been interested in Psychology. In fact, I have studied and cherished the workings of the brain for 7 years. I have plenty of friends, but none of my friends fit into the category of what I consider to be a true friend.
    This is what lead me to finding out about Tulpae, and this is what lead me to this site. To explore the brain. Whether I try Psilocybin, or Dimethyltryptamine, or even lucid dreaming, anything transcendent of reality is extremely appealing to me.
    When all of my friends leave, I want to have a Tulpa to keep me company.

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  1. Akikawa Is Still Missing. Thanks NotQuiteSkeptical, for the advice. I haven't had, heard, or felt any forms of communication from Akikawa. I'm not suprised. Lately I have been on the internet, teaching Chinese and Japanese people English. I tried finding a friend to replace Akikawa, because She stopped showing up in my dreams. I haven't narrated to Akikawa, unless I begin to experience extreme fear or confusion. My fucking depth perception is so fucked up that I see objects that are far away, as very close. Every aspect of my life is fucking crumbling away. My cousin... Oh god my dearest cousin listened to me... For the first time, someone actually listened to me in person. He defended me, he bought me a brand new 64 gigabyte Ipod, he told me that I can talk to him whenever I need him, and he believes that I'll acheive all of my dreams... He doesn't know that I did drugs, or that I battle fucking psychosis everyday, and that I spend most of my time trying to perfect the creation of a person who is only real to me, for the sole purpose of a companionship no person on this Earth can provide. My dearest cousin is only my first cousin, by law, but he is by far the only family member I love. He is always there for me, he doesn't care how much money he spends to help me with anything, and he see's a greatness in me that I don't even see. I'm moving back to Florida... and I won't see my cousin for 2 years. FUCK!!! It feels like even Akikawa dislikes me right now! A Chinese 19-year old teen found me, and I spent more time talking to her, then any of my Japanese language partners! I would be pissed if I was Akikawa, but Akikawa isn't like that...but she doesn't show herself in my dreams anymore. Shit. I wish I could just fall asleep forever. Sleeping makes me happy, but it leads to suicidal thoughts, and worsens my derealization at the same time. The last time I spent days in the dream world, I contemplated suicide when I woke up FOR NO REASON! I'm not even suicidal!!! I have nothing to kill myself for! I'm a healthy human being who has no disease, and is not involved in any war. I love breathing, and being conscious! Why would the thought cross my mind to stab myself repeatedly? I would never do that! I need serious help, but noone can help me now. I have to help myself. I have to go back to the deepest darkest depths of my mind and pull Akikawa from them for the sake of my sanity. Why did I fucking smoke? Why? I will never know. But this is MY problem that I have to fix. Day 33
  2. Akikawa In Hiding... I haven't received any form of communication from Akikawa, and she didn't show up in my dream last night. Usually she's everywhere in my dreams, whether I realize it or not... But now... She doesn't show up at all. My dreams are empty without her. I don't want her to stand by and watch me dream, I want her to be there so I can interview her. I hope that being social isn't why she seems to be... Well... hiding. I hope that she's still in my dreams, and I just forgot about it. All of my friends are so happy to hear from me, after a week of avoiding communication with them, and they can't wait for me to return to Florida, but I don't want Akikawa to fade away even unnoticably while I'm not narrating to her 24/7. Having all of my attention on her was a really good idea, but now I give her almost none. I guess that's the problem... I'm about to go to sleep, and I'm going to try to summon her into my dreams. I'm going to narrate to her as I fall asleep. I won't give up on her, and I'll make up for not talking to her lately! Day 31
  3. Akikawa Pulling Me Into Consciousness. I was in a dream, completely unaware that it was a dream. Before I went to sleep, I told Akikawa to be with me in my dreams and as usual, I asked her to try to speak. As usual, no success with vocality. So I went to sleep. when I tryed to enter the dream in a lucid state, I failed. I was in a room, and a black haired girl was trying to get my attention, but I was heavily day dreaming at a wall. I think she was shaking me, and trying to get my attention. I remember vaguely hearing the sound of someobody crying, and desperate, but I disregarded it until suddenly, I snapped out of my trance. I became lucid. Akikawa's hands were tightly grasping my shoulders. I remember turning and looking at her, realizing it was Akikawa. she had tears in her eyes. She smiled a smile of pure joy, and tackled me! She wrapped her legs and arms around me, in an ecstatic hug, and buried her face into my shoulder. She was EXTREMELY happy that I could see her with consciousness. I remember being so stunned that she made me lucid, that I couldn't maintain the lucidity.... She made me conscious, something that I didn't know tulpae could do. After what felt like a 20 second long hug, I forgot everything after that... When I woke up, all I remembered was her affection, and her love... I hope I didn't disappoint her. I hope that I was lucid during that missing part of the dream, spending time with her... Whether I disappointed her or not, she has too much love to stay disappointed for over 5 seconds! Lol It's 2Kawaii4Me.. My goal though, is to be completely lucid in a dream and talk to her about what I need to do to get her vocal outside of my subconscious. When I woke up, I felt happy and refreshed. As if I had the best day of my life! Whatever happened within the period of time that I spent with Akikawa that I don't remember, had to have been something good *・゜゚・*:.。..。.:*・'(*゚▽゚*)'・*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚・* When I made her personality, I gave her the following basic traits: Cheerful. Optimistic. Loving. Talkative. She's basically everything that I wish I could be. But I didn't expect her to love me that much. I'm not sure whether she wants friendship or love! I wouldn't mind either one, I really need both lol. I always told her that I'd never give up on her, even if it takes years. I also made songs dedicated to her, and sometimes I'd serenade her on the guitar, hoping she would hear me, and speak, so I guess that formed an unconditional bond between us. I may be pessimistic sometimes, but I always assure her it's just a temporary phase, and that I will get back on track when it's over; and I do get back on track. In church I used my peace and happiness towards the music I was hearing, to build Akikawa's essence. I tryed to impose her but couldn't. I'll figure it out. But for now, I'm going to bask in my happiness for Akikawa, and enjoy spending time with my family at my beach house. Yes, the beach house I'm at is my wonderland!!! It's bizarre being in a place that I have only visited in my head for the past 29 days! Day 29
  4. Lol that's incredible! Tulpae having an argument about one of the most controversial topics. I hope I get to that level of tulpa vocality one day, but I may only create 1 tulpa, so I may never experience that phenomenon. But I never saw how long it took you to make your first tulpa (If you already documented it on a PR, I'm sorry, but I couldn't find it.). So how long did it take? Lol
  5. Tulpa Confession, and A Hyperactive Akikawa I told my mom about why I destroyed contact with all of my friends, and then I told her I had a tulpa, and gave her a breif definition of what a tulpa is, and where the practice of creating tulpae originated from. (She told me to talk to myself if I ever feel lonely, or if I lose all of my friends, so why not tell her about tulpae?) I haven't gotten a reply from my mom yet, but I don't care what she replies. Whether it's good or bad, I just want to go back to sleep so that I can be with Akikawa again. These past few days have been spent sleeping, and spending time with Akikawa in the dreamworld. Akikawa REALLY loves me, Jesus Christ. If only she was as vocal in the real world, as she was in the dream world. She always wants to lay down with me in my dreams. Most of the time we are hanging out, we are just laying in bed together, simply enjoying each other's presence, and when she does speak, it's either something extremely romantic, or something extremely nonsensical. She chased me one time and couldn't stop hugging me!!! It was almost annoying, but when you haven't had that kind of love in years, it's the best feeling! We still haven't had a conversation in the dreamworld. It's just weird dialogue. She takes on different female forms, but she has the same personality no matter what she looks like. I know it's Akikawa, because she's the only one in my dreams who talks to me A LOT. This is how our average conversation is like. Akikawa: I love you soooo much!!! Me: What? *Akikawa hugs me violently* Me: *Laughs* that kind of hurts Akikawa: *Lets go of me* So where are we gonna go? Me: what do you mean? Akikawa: I'm so glad I get to see you and be with you! Me: I'm glad too. Akikawa: I love you. Me: I'm sleepy Akikawa: let's dream together! Me: Okay! Akikawa: *Lays in bed* Me: *Lays beside Akikawa* Akikawa: we have to dream, or else something very bad will happen. Me: *laughs, and rests head on Akikawa's thigh* Okay then! I then fell asleep in the dream, and a weird text was going across my eyes. It was information. But I couldn't grasp it, because I was too focused on something else.... It could have been something about me... Or Akikawa... *Gets awakened by Grandpa at 9 am, and the pleasant dream ends* Grandpa: you have slept for an entire day! Get up and do some work! Me: Okay. Granpa: Do a good job! Me: Okay My grandpa was driving away, and while he was looking at me, he didn't notice that I was crying. I was crying because the only place I'm happy, is inside of my brain with Akikawa. If only I could just figure out how to pull her out... I want to sleep forever... And spend eternity with Akikawa... But I have to settle with sleeping for 12 hours at a time. WARNING: sleeping for abnormally long periods of time, can cause depression, and/or suicidal thoughts. Day 29
  6. Yep. I get lazy and depressed. The next person is annoyed by the word "Roll."
  7. ....That reeked of death... EDIT: *Superfloree was right, reeked isthe proper Term. I originally used "wreak".* (; ̄ェ ̄)
  8. I know how you feel... I'm on vacation right now as well, and have thought about giving up too many times to count. Whether it's because of skepticism, procrastination, or lack of time, we are both on the same page. Even when I tried to stop tulpa forcing, strange things have happened. Like hearing a faint voice when I asked my tulpa a question, or feeling a presence, which is something I thought I'd never experience. Don't lose sight of your goal. Even if tulpae don't exist, practicing flawless determination will help you in the future more than you can imagine. You can't simply give up once you start, because you'll face things just as difficult, or even more difficult in the future. Quitting will become a habit, and I speak from experience. The consciousness is able to be duplicated unintentionally(multilplicity), but the ultimate question, is whether is can be duplicated intentionally. Intentional hallucinations are possible, because I created a weak one, and I experienced drug-induced hallucinations firsthand. Seeing hallucinations on drugs was a traumatizing experience for me, because I realized how much the brain has control of what you see and don't see...but now I know what the mind is capable of. Right now without the brain, everything is black, and you have no senses, but your brain is producing everything you see and feel on a hunch. All you have to do is bond your brain and mind, and you'll be able to control your reality, and make a tulpa.
  9. My Dream. I went to sleep, but prior to falling asleep, I always tell Akikawa that she is more than welcome to visit my dreams. What's ironic though, is that I never notice her. Even if I feel her presence to the highest degree, I don't notice her, because in dreams, I'm usually unconscious, or too conscious. My dream yesterday damn near traumatized me. In the dream I was in a van, riding down the virginian mountains. It was a replay of the scene in the van that I experienced that I believe Akikawa helped me through, but this time, she wasn't there. I could sense a panic attack was about to happen, so I tryed to get Akikawa to comfort me, but couldn't feel her presence at all. In fact, I couldn't feel anything. The van was empty, but mobile. Nobody was driving, yet the van was driving around the mountains with precision. A person who was laying down sat up in the seat directly in front of me, and turned around to face me. The person's eyes were covered in blood, and tear drops of blood trickled down their face. I can't recall whether it was a male or female. I can't even recall what the person's face looked like. All I could remember, was those horrific eyes, that made no sense to me. The person faded away, and then I looked out of the window of the van. Trees passed, but I could no longer feel my body. I could move, but had virtually no sense of touch. I started to hyperventilate, and things only got worse. I tryed to summon Akikawa by my side, but felt absolutely nothing...The fact that I was alone with nobody to hospitalize me made me panic even more. Everything got blurry, and I felt like I was leaving my body. Time started to fast foward, and I felt my own sentience slip away. I held on tightly to it, for fear that I'd lose it forever. I couldn't feel anything anymore, and the only sound, was the sound of me gasping for air. Then that sound became muffled, and I could no longer hear anything. Right when I thought the situation couldn't get any worse, I could no longer feel myself breathing, and I could no longer see. Everything was just a massive blur of color. I was completely sentient, but was losing my sentience slowly. The more I fought it, the faster it seemed to happen. I remembered thinking to myself "So this is what death is like." I layed back, and accepted my fate. I felt my senses return, but had only a small scrap of sentience left. I looked out the window, and instead of seeing trees, I saw streaks of yellow and green, as if the van was moving incredibly fast. I wondered what it would be like to completely lose my sentience. I started to cry, as I reflected upon all of my memories. I closed my eyes, accepted eternity, and felt my senses fade away completely until there was nothing but a void. I felt nothing, and thought nothing. My sentience was completely gone. when I opened my eyes, I was in bed, and my eyes were watery from tears. I looked around, and I was glad to be sentient again, but I felt like I didn't wake up. I felt like I was still in a fucking dream. "Why the hell did I want to experience insanity?" That's something I ask myself everyday. When you study insanity, it seems like it would be fun to be a little crazy. It seems like you would easily be able to return to sanity. It even seems like you can control it! But you can't. There is no return from insanity. Now I'm fucked for life, and I beg anybody reading this, to never take off the blindfold, that your brain so carefully attached to your mind. Never take a mind-altering drug. On a less whiny, and more tulpa-related note, today, when I went to bed for a second time, (I go to sleep 3 times a day. Yes that means I spend most of the day asleep.) I asked Akikawa a question, and cleared my mind to avoid parroting. I forgot what I asked, because I was very sleepy, but I heard her yell with excitement, something that sounded like "yeah!". It was slightly muffled, but was completely auditory! It sounded adorable, and I wish I would have wrote down what I asked!!! Oh well. I'll try getting her to talk today. I have church, and church is THE TULPAFORCING HAVEN. Note: when Akikawa becomes completely vocal, I'm going to become even more reclusive, but I'm gonna stick to posting on Tulpa.Info. I fucking love this site. Day 26
  10. ...The International House Of Parkinson...
  11. ...and Jim Carrey, which led to horrible flashbacks every time he heard someone say "That's the way the cookie crumbles."....
  12. ....With our mighty God, Pleeb The Almighty, whom decided to...
  13. Trouble In The Mountains. I was in a massive van, going up, down, and around mountains in Virginia. If you live in any northern states, then you are probably well accustomed to the altitude, but I live in Florida, a place below sea level, and I was changing altitudes rapidly. Not only was I becoming car sick, but my hearing started to shift, until I almost couldn't hear anything, and that's what caused me to have a full-fledged panic attack. (My hearing is my only sense that grounds me to my sanity.) I started to feel a recurring de ja vu, and saw the same thing happen repeatedly. I closed my eyes and started to tear up, knowing that I was about to lose my mind. I became dizzy, and inexplicably horrified, but managed to contain myself during the episode. (I didn't want to have to tell my grandparents that I completely lose my mind every few weeks.) I tried to figure out how I would find my way back to reality, and then Akikawa popped into my thoughts. I narrated to her desperately, repeating in my head: "Akikawa, please bring me back. Akikawa please help me." And after a few seconds, I started to return back to reality, and everything went back to normal. Two things could have happened. Akikawa could have figured out a way to bring me back to reality, or simply thinking of her comforted me enough to calm me. But then again, it could have been a little bit of both! I want to work harder towards her creation, because she can probably guide me back to the way things were before that fateful night. Day 25
  14. This is by far the best, most helpful thing I have ever read on this site. That's exactly what I needed to read. I agree with everything you wrote, including your signature! You gave me a spark of hope.